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Blurty for xxLet Me Bleedxx.
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| Friday, June 11th, 2004 |
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| I'M EATING TACOS! Oh yeah... and enjoying the Blog lifestyle! http://xfaded-scars.blogdrive.com THE PICTURES ARENT DEAD!! | ||
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| Tuesday, May 18th, 2004 |
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| Well... here's where I am now... It's MUCH prettier! http://xfaded-scarsx.blogdrive.com/ | ||||
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| Monday, May 17th, 2004 |
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| Well Blurty.... I'm sorry to break it to you like this, but you just AREN'T pretty enough! I've gone to join the leagues of www.blogdrive.com Wait... don't give me that look, mister! Let's make this quick! Good bye! (I'll leave a forwarding address later... | ||||
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What a waster, what a fucking waster You pissed it all up the wall Round the corner where they chased her There's tears coming out from everywhere The city's hard, the city's fair Get back inside you've got nothing on No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt When she wakes up in the morning She writes down all her dreams Reads like the book of revelations Or the Beano or the unabridged ulysses Oh I really wanna know So tell me, where does all the money go where does all the money go Straight, straight up her nose And I never really liked it any way So much preferred it the other way yeah What a divvy what a fucking div Talking like a moron, walking like a spiv I was laying in bed paying my rent Knocking on the door for something That she lent her brother Meanwhile from under the covers she says Save me from tommorow, save me from tommorow Oh no, Oh no not me And I never never liked it any way So much preferred it the other way yeah Never really liked it any way So much preferred it the other way yeah What a waster, what a fucking waster You pissed it all up the wall Round the corner where they chased her There's tears coming out from everywhere The citys hard the citys fair Get back inside you've got nothing on No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt What a waster, what a fucking waster You pissed it all up the wall Round the corner where they chased her There's tears coming out from everywhere The citys hard the citys fair Get back inside you've got nothing on No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt |
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| Well... I haven't updated much, sorry. I've been writing my book. It's titled "Tear my Body, Rip my Soul" I'm going to start working out the kinks for the covers pretty soon. I got really frustrated because I couldn't lengthen certain things right now, but then I thought "Hey silly! You can't write a book in a day!!!" and so yeah. I tried it out on a few friends. A few of them cried, others were angry at Cody, etc. But whatever it was, they felt SOMETHING. I'm overjoyed at that. I've gotten a start on 4 of my 10 chapters. I even drew an outline. I'm really working hard. I don't want to skip and write Chapter 1, then 6, then 3, etc. I wanna write it as it happened. I've decided the book to be a little over 100 pages, so it isn't intimidating to kids my age (who are my projected audience) so yeah. Then I had a guy from my Yahoo who read my Blurty and the poems and he's going to use like 3 of them for songs to finish his band's demo then put those songs on the album if I didn't mind. I certainly didn't. They're called "Un-Leashed"... Eh. I didn't really talk to people much this weekend. I had "THE MATt" over on Saturday then Babycakes over on Sunday. It was a lot of fun. I've been cutting in that cut still... there's this "hardspot" that I've figured out to be a vein... I've been flicking at it with my blade. The blade is in my pocket. It keeps "tickling" my side. I like it, but I wish I could pull it out and just start a new cut. I stopped myself from starting a new one last night. I had the blade pressed to my leg and I started to drag but I stopped. I nearly kicked myself... I burned a hole into my carpet after that... I was lighting this envelope on fire and it just stated BLAZING so I dropped it and sat there watching it bore into my carpet. It was entertaining. Well I'm gonna go, I'll update more later. | ||||||||
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| Saturday, May 15th, 2004 |
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With a beginning Comes an end Here it is Try to mend Miss the past? I don't Go on try to make me remember You know I won't Sick lies Hurtful mistakes They all entwine and you're just fake Over and over We call it quits Again and again we vow that's it Always wondering if it was right It's all I'm left with I can't fight Well today has been pretty boring. I've just sat around listening to music and chatting online. Bleh. I feel lonley. I've been carving into that one really fucked up cut... Not too wise of a choice but meh I can't start on another cut. Plus I know where I hit the whatever the hell it was so I just don't carve there... Well I guess that's all. I think I'm going to start my book tonight. Like make an outline of it, you know? I'm gonna be on my way then... See you later dawgs! |
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I'm crushed Memories are in the past It's just a phase But somehow it lasts Rid myself of the old Start anew Make a new being Take the chances I always blew If I want to live I must die Forget all my worries and stop the lies Who I'll be is not quite clear All I know is I'm tired of being who I fear I need a new body All I need is a new body |
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| Friday, May 14th, 2004 |
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Crimson red swirling Tears softly flowing You've cut again The feeling is mind blowing Sever the ties Stop the lies Who are you smiling for? Its the open wounds From the scars arise the past Go rip yourself Make it last The open wounds so delicate Afraid to move forward Afraid to forget Its your open wounds |
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| Well... I think I'm going to start with the happenings of last night.... I cut in the bathtub and it was bleeding pretty bad, I got scared but just wanted to do it again... At that moment I wondered what the fuck I had become. I had no reason to cut. The deal with Cody was up and I didn't feel like it was because of him, I just wanted it. I had a kinda bad day but I know I've MUCH worse. I got out of the tub, soaked up the blood and got dressed. It was before this that I was on my knees looking at the bottom of the tub with my nose touching the water and watching the ripples as I breathed heavily just contemplating. What I was thinking about I just don't know. It made no sense at the time. I started thinking about my past, my future, food even... Then later on I wasn't even really feeling too depressed but I guess I was jsut fed up with my fake behavior. I had to act so happy and perky in front of my parents I was tired of it, I didn't know when the "faking it" would stop, when I'd be safe NOT to do it. Then I went upstairs took apart Steven's blade he gave me and just kept carving and carving into the cut... I finally snapped out of it and told myself I'd better stop, but I didn't really WANT to, I just knew if I went any better, I'd more than likely have died. I went to see the deepness like I usually do by opening and closing the cut and well when I closed it this stream of blood went EVERYWHERE. I had blood oozing on my carpet, soaking through my shorts, I had it ov my face, in my hair, on my shirt... Gawd it was everywhere. I just like started bawling at that point. I knew I'd die before I told my parents about it and I did want help but I didn't want it from them, I wanted Arron or Steven... I wanted Brandie. It was so strange and even a bit refreshing. Well I got the blook sopped up and went to bed in my room. I need to steamclean my carpet or I'll just stain remove it somehow where the blood is. It looks too conspicuous. Well I didn't go to school today... my dad woke me up late and I told him that I should just sleep and him take me to Tony's at 11 so he let me and at Tony's it went pretty well. Becky was there again and Jamie is just so dern cute! So is Boo! Me and Becky talked and I need to "reintegrate my senses" from that day and it's weird for her to say that because lately all these details have been moving forward and I can even TALK about them. Her and Tony think I'm making a LOT of progress. She made me this drawing it went Perp --> Victim --> Secondary Perp and I didn't really get it until she explained it.... A secondary perp as I am can commit crimes on themselves so yeah that cycle is correct. We talked about a LOT of things and we even talked about my "trying to get him off" of me. Like as to why I cut in certain places. She said I have 2 years from the incident to report it... It'll be one year on June 24th... I'm returning to the spot with Brandie, I knw I can't go alone... so yeah. I think I'm going to report it after that. I even realized how "uncomfortable" I am with people like touching me now, like someone to sit close to me or touch my face or anything... Well I think that's all I'm gonna say, bye. Oh yeah, and Tony read my poems and we were gonna talk over their meanings but I guess we'll do that next week! | ||||||||
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| Thursday, May 13th, 2004 |
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Make It Worth My While Love's unreal Take me down Make it worth my while Bruise my flesh Punch my eye Make it worth my while Cry your tears Use your excuses Make it worth my while Only the pain is real Watch me fly I'll make it worth your while |
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| Hey there Blurty. Things are definetely doing better. In 1st hour we watched Finding Nemo and I yet again "boycotted". Hehe. 2nd hour we had a sub! WOOT WOOT! NO JENSEN! We watched LOTR: Twin Towers, LoL, Jessica thought it was a movie about terrorism!!! Me and Matt talked all hour and had a great time, he's wearing his Twinkie shirt. LoL, I'll never eat a Twinkies again. Dude, I got busted for my skirt... They're letting me wear it but meh. Dude, I fucking swear that Dan is the most TWO FACED person ever! He'll act like your friend just so he can turn you in... He's done that to me LOADS of times and he does it to EVERYONE! It pisses me off! Grr! I cut last night... It was the most beautiful thing. It's kinda gaping but eh. Once I saw the blood I put my leg back in the water and the crimson swirled and it stung from the soapy water. I felt it all, I felt so human. I just had that feeling back, I was overjoyed. I don't think I "need" it I just think I'm better with it. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I only made one cut but boy... I made it count. It's like 3 inches long, 1/2-1 inch wide and purdy deep. I can feel the dent through my skirt. Matt is coming over on Friday too I think. It should be a "rad" time. I'm gonna get Brandie out of PE today so we can go and goof off. I don't care if I get written up personally. Eh. Well I'm gonna go and talk to Bridget some more. Toodly-loo | ||||||||
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| Wednesday, May 12th, 2004 |
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This is the song that's been stuck in my head lately... It's pretty kickass no i won't do it again, i don't want to pretend if it can't be like before i've got to let it end i don't want what i was, i had a change of head but maybe someday... yeah maybe someday i've got to let it go and leave it gone just walk away, stop it going on get too scared to jump if i wait too long but maybe someday... i'll see you smile as you call my name start to feel, and it feels the same and i know that maybe someday's come maybe someday's come... again! so tell me someday's come tell me some days come again... no i won't do it some more, doesn't make any sense if it can't be like it was, i've got to let it rest i don't want what i did, i had a change of tense but maybe someday... i'll see you smile as you call my name start to feel, and it feels the same and i know that maybe someday's come maybe someday's come... if i could do it again maybe just once more think i could make it work like i did it before if i could try it out if i could just be sure that maybe someday is the last time yeah maybe someday is the end oh maybe someday is when it all stops or maybe someday always comes again... |
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Well I need to say some things to Steven but I'm sorta scared to and just blank on what to say and how to say it so I think I'll wing it and just put it in here... Steven, Hey babe... Wait you probably don't want me to call you that. I'm just so fucking mad about everything! Last night I was lying in bed thinking about it and I started crying... I knew you hated me. In that moment I didn't care to ever speak to you again. I never wanted you to touch me or even use my name. I was just so hurt. Yeah, and in the note I referred to you as Steve-o and I told Pope it was a different Steve-o and she bought it as far as I know. I just don't know what to do these days or what we're doing. I feel sometimes like you're using me and that just drives my esteem into the ground... Tony said I should tell you what I need so here it is... 1. I want to know how you feel 2. I want you to see me as a friend as well as a "buddy" 3. I want you to stop scaring me 4. Stop closing me off from your world. Those are all I can think of now... Eh, this has been a horrible letter but then again I can't seem to do anything right. I just wish I could do it right so you'd understand. I care about you so much that sometimes I wanna just rip my hair out and then other times I don't know if I can ever catch my breath from laughing so hard... Sometimes all that keeps me from slipping under is your arms around me. I love those feelings as weird as they are and I love you too. Jenny |
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Well I need to say some things to Steven but I'm sorta scared to and just blank on what to say and how to say it so I think I'll wing it and just put it in here... Steven, Hey babe... Wait you probably don't want me to call you that. I'm just so fucking mad about everything! Last night I was lying in bed thinking about it and I started crying... I knew you hated me. In that moment I didn't care to ever speak to you again. I never wanted you to touch me or even use my name. I was just so hurt. Yeah, and in the note I referred to you as Steve-o and I told Pope it was a different Steve-o and she bought it as far as I know. I just don't know what to do these days or what we're doing. I feel sometimes like you're using me and that just drives my esteem into the ground... Tony said I should tell you what I need so here it is... 1. I want to know how you feel 2. I want you to see me as a friend as well as a "buddy" 3. I want you to stop scaring me 4. Stop closing me off from your world. Those are all I can think of now... Eh, this has been a horrible letter but then again I can't seem to do anything right. I just wish I could do it right so you'd understand. I care about you so much that sometimes I wanna just rip my hair out and then other times I don't know if I can ever catch my breath from laughing so hard... Sometimes all that keeps me from slipping under is your arms around me. I love those feelings as weird as they are and I love you too. Jenny |
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"Sex Toys" I'm a girl He's a boy It's all we are We're just sex toys Forced by society We linger along Searching Wanting a place to belong Behind the search lays the loneliness Only replaced by the phoniness Deny it all we want We need each other He's the father I'm the mother I'm still a girl He's still a boy It's still all we are We're still just sex toys "Just Kill Me" Don't make me laugh Stop making me cry Stop the foolishness I can't die Just kill me The good times are over The giggles are gone Tears are abundant and I was your greatest con Just kill me The joker jokes A baby cries That's what will happen When I die Just kill me The job is done Mission complete How do you feel now? I'm at your feet You just killed me. "Blades" So quick So clean Gleam in darkness and solitude Light the way Grasp Feel your power Draw the line Separate all realities Slicing once Twice Again and again Feel the release See the blood Taste the tears You're done... --I've been writing poems lately and drawing. I don't really know why... it's odd for me to do that. Ehh, well Steven is mad at me for some reason or another. I'm having some people over on Friday I hope and well yeah that'll be great fun. Well I'm gonna go, nothing really interesting has happened today... |
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| Tuesday, May 11th, 2004 |
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I draw the line You cross It's the way things are... You're the boss You control I don't fight It's the way things are... You have a right I'm broken You project It's the way things are... You're perfect I miss you You don't care It's the way things are... They just aren't fair |
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If only for a while Leave me here Let me bleed The damage is done My cover's blown Will you do me one favor And leave me alone? No more kisses No more lies Let us hurry up Let us say our good byes As I sit here With nothing clear All I can ask is... If only for a while Leave me here Let me bleed |
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| Man oh man.... I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling somewhat happy and shipper but I still wanna cut and cut and CUT. Grr! What is wrong with me? I can't believe that Mrs. Pope came and got to talk aboutr birth control... Then she wanted a hug... Bleh, what a Skank-pie. Today at lunch me and Patrick passed out his pretty campiagn things and "Bigsby" as I think he is called, was a TOTAL spokesperson! I was pleased about that! Patrick is VERY convincing.. Man, he even convinced me! Tee-hee! See, I'm acting all hyper and giddy and then in the back on my mind I still wanna cut!! In PE we ran the mile... BLEH! I got 8:32... That's disappointing... I can't believe King turned in that note!!! That makes me SO mad! What business is it of hers what I do in my FREE time! Meh, she can rot in fiery hot hell! Cassie said that it's like me and ARron are the only ones that fill up her freinds page since we're the only ones who actually update (Kudos to us as Tony would say!) But then again we're some of the more... disturbed people I guess you could say. Our Blurty is our only friend. Arron doesn't talk in hers like I do, like detailed but that's all for the better I guess. I see my Blurty as my only friend and all I have left. My book is going to come from these entries... That's why I write about my cutting in here. I told ARron that I want my book not to be "informative, scientific, or anything like that" I want it to be MY story, MY last writing to the world and I want it to be told not to make the best seller's list but I want kids out there to know that they are not alone! I felt that way for the longest time and now I feel some comfort in knowing that I have people around me that cut and can tell me their stories in exchange for mine. There's only scientific books and websites with all these "studies" and I want there to be a place to cope, to go to and see the faces, the lives who cut. I'm sick of seeing numbers, I want some emotional attachment, something real. I get that reality from cutting, but in cutting you aren't seen as real I guess. It's hard to explain. A few nights ago I was talking to my mom and that was just strange.... I talked about how music was like brainwashing and I compared Good Charlotte to Charles Manson, I'm not quite sure WHAT I was on but ehh... WEll Crigger is over here making fun of my speedy typing so I'll go... Toodly-loo all! | ||||||||
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| Well... I did a bad thing... I cut. I was happy all day at school, worried but still happy and afterschool I was even happier because I stopped worrying and spent some quality time with Steven... I got home and got in more fights with my parents. They're just so awful lately. If they aren't bitching at each other then I'm their target. I had the blade in my purse and so I went to take a bath so I would have an excuse to lock the bathroom door and stuff and I ran my water, got undressed and got in. I picked up the blade and just as I was about to cut the damn shampoo bottle fell out of nowhere and smashed open my knuckles. I was kinda creeped out about that... So I just sat there in the water running the cool blade over my legs as if I was shaving.. Then I sliced once through my thigh, it was a sad cut, but I didn't want to do anymore since my parents would DEFINETELY see and then they'd just kill me... So I went after my ankle and sliced through once and realized they'll see that one too... I was going to cut again but the blood started coming through and that feeling was just amazing, even better then I'd remembered it. My eyes filled with tears and I cried them into my cut, I felt it all. I wanted to feel it again and again but I really hated Andy's blade. It was so awkward to cut with someone else's blade. I decided to get out of the tub and try and find some sort of needle. I usually HATE needles but they seem to be my only option since they don't leave much traces and my parent's wouldn't freak if they found a needle in my purse or in my room. I took a towel, wrapped it around me, and began my search. I came up with nothing... I just sort of broke down after that. I was so inconsoleable on the inside but I feared to let it all go. I wanted to just sit there and draw... I got online then my parents started screaming at me so I went upstairs and was drawing and writing as I have been pretty much constantly these days and then we had to go out to eat, I begged them to leave me at home but they wouldn't... I wanted to grab some of my blades from downstairs and then go to sleep... I was just so tired. After we ate and came home they started screaming at me again so I screamed right back and they got mad so I went upstairs and fell asleep while I was drawing. This morning my mom was being nice, strangely enough, and then my dad was an ASS with a capital A but then again when is he not.... We were headed to school and he turned off my music and I couldn't see at all since he had made me get ready so quickly that my contacts were fucking up and I said something like "I'm sick of your shit!" and he slammed on the brakes and I went flying into the dashboard and he was like "Get out of the fucking car NOW!" but I stayed put... I knew he was going to just wail on me or leave me there. We fought the entire way to school, I was even screaming at him as I slammed the door when we got to the circle drive... I hate him so much... Tony wants my parents to come in for a session but I don't want them to really... I realize they'll just lie and act civilized, nothing will be accomplished. I'll bring up something like "You sid I wasn't your daughter" and they'll be like "Well Jenn we were just upset and you KNOW we'd never mean such a thing!" or just deny it. That's what they ALWAYS do. They want to look all "parental" to the other adults and people but once I'm home and alone with them it's a different story... Well I'd better go... Byebye | ||||||
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| Monday, May 10th, 2004 |
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| Oh my God... I just don't know what to do! I am so scared. I can't remember when my period was or when it's coming. The days just aren't adding up... I was either supposed to get it today or next Sunday or Monday and well... it's not here. Gawd. On Thursday, me, Andy, and Brandie are staying and I'm gonna get a pregnantcy test. Apparently you can test like 4 or 5 days before your period. If I am pregnant... I just don't know what I'd do. Things are so fucked up for me and just my entire life... I can't bring another person into this!!! I jsut fucking can't! I've been crying and just praying to God that I'm not. Steven is helpful in a strange way... We don't really mention it, we just avoid it and we laugh and joke. We talk about it on the internet but not at school since people are all around and then I don't want to make a "scene". I just want to crawl into a ball and mutter things to myself. Andy gave me a blade... It's a damn good one too, thank God! (Thanks chicky) and well "Boo" isn't going to cut again... Boo said that the guilt and shame is all too much for her. The feeling isn't worth it to her. I guess I can understand what she means. Lately I've been not cutting because I don't know if I can have the feeling back, like I dunno if it's worth it if I'd have to give up so much, etc. Then I hate the look on my parents face. My dad has this look of "You dumb shit. Look what the fuck you did this time..." and my mom is just like "How could you Jenny... You're going to kill me." Ehh, I was going to bring up the thought of moving in with someone else for a while last night but I decided not to since it was Mother's day and they'd get upset and realize I wanted to cut and would lock up all remotely sharp things. I get to hang up posters with Patrick at lunch. that should be fun, I just need to talk to someone about this, I don't know what to do... Well I'm going to go. Bye | ||||||||
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Blurty for xxLet Me Bleedxx.
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annoyed.
accomplished.
calm.
bored.
amused.
depressed.
blank.
weird.
confused.