Raziel Storm's Journal
I'm like a bird
I only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
Does anyone know where those lyrics come from? Don't shoot me. I simply like them that's all. They mean something when you say the words. Still, it looks like a real poet wrote them, compared to some of the offshoots of wannabe singers we have out there.
Today is a good day for me.
I had no sleep last night whatsoever and yet I feel like I am still feeling mighty fine. Happy! I think that word is the best description, because to say I was perfectly fine would be a lie. I have a few unresolved issues going on inside me at the moment but I'm sure with a bit of time and bravado I can clear that up. You see, I have been losing sleep and last night I started to burn up in my bed. I couldn't work out why but it was horrible. lying there in the heat while everyone else in the house was trying to get warmer! My insides feel like they have been twisted over and over until they have become taut, and this morning I have a stomach cramp worse than ever before.
Am I letting it get to me? No. Why should I?
Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
I have made a discovery. It is called fire. Passionate fire, in the sense of romance. The other day I asked if it was possible to love on the internet and I had a fairly good response via comments and e-mails. I feel obliged to inform people that my advice was for a mate more than me. I have a great fondness for people on the net, some more than others, but at the moment I find it hard to believe any one could fall in love with me. Oh yeah its okay to have a great personality, but 79 per cent of love or romantic feelings are attraction. True fact, deny it all you want but that is the way things are. I'm just not attractive enough to be seen that way. This is not a complaint, it is a fact of life, one I have learned to accept a long time ago.
One day I know it will happen. But until then... still my friend seems to be in love on line, and it hurts too much from what I can see. I know people myself that have grown to love one another on line.
Have a unique day all,
Logging in has never been so painful. I spent the latter half of the past few days trying to do so and then finally I come on when I don't feel like it and there is the site, all up and ready.
Cool, coz I missed it. It was getting a bit frustrating not being able to put my feelings down on paper. Or the internet as it seems to be.
I'm in trouble. Apparently my doctor found out that I wasn't taking my tabs. He said I could stop them in the new year anyway, but now that I ceased them early he is recommending that I consider speaking to my "other" doctor. What he means is I need therapy. I guess I would be the first to admit that is possible, but a part of me just wants to be normal. I want people to see me as normal.
Am I depressing?
I was talking to my brother the other day and he says Jason reckons I am the most depressing man on the planet. I have fun. I like to consider myself as a fun person. I mean, come on, who really has a perfect life? Who?
I should coco.
I'm actually quite happy today. I still haven't learned how to post piccies and things on the site but one of these days I will. And I am doing my own website up again, making it different to the last one. I really want to do something good with it but what? I don't just want to make a site up for the hell of it.
I wouldn't mind having my own forum where me and my friends can speak alone all day. I would mail the link to anyone I considered a mate and they would post there as much as they like. But it would not have many people on there, since I don't have that many internet friends anymore anyway. Sad eh? I don't mind - I think it is who I am. I'm not a person who has a lot of mates.
Here's a question; do you believe loving someone is possible over the internet?
I'm not sure what I believe which is why I am asking you lot out there. Let me know what you think... those who careth.
Have a nice day all,
Current mood: Okay.
Well, this is it isn't it. I'm losing hope. She obviously doesn't want to speak to me or anyone again, so I have run out of things to do. I will e-mail her one last time and if she doesn't reply, I'll leave her be. Maybe one day she might be ready to speak to me again. Or anyone for that matter.... but I can't force her to want to talk to me.
Sorry I couldn't do anymore.
Have to be going now. I need some time to think. Alone.
Current mood: Dead Sad.
I'm having a situation here. A very bad situation... and I don't know what to do. A friend of mine is going through what I consider to be a rough patch and I don't know how to make her feel better. She has ignored my emails and stopped coming on MSN.... but she has put some things into her journal. I know that she has been coming on line but she won't talk to anyone, and now I am getting very worried about her. If you are reading this - you know who you are - please mail me and talk to me.
Friendship is the path that takes you everywhere.... with a smile.
I'm not feeling too good at the moment. I can never settle easily when I know someone I care about is going through a rough time. The thing is, I'm not that good in a crisis, but I do try to be. But I could never forgive myself if I let anything happen to her. If anyone has any advice for me, I would be ever so grateful.
True friendship is like sound health: the value of it is seldom known until lost.
I might just spend some time on the net until about 12 or 1 and see what happens. If I get nothing back then I have to assume it is really bad. All I can say is that if she reads this, mail me when you feel ready to... just please don't do anything silly.
True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.
Current mood: Worried.
"The Antichrist will become a world leader even though he misuses his power. The root meanings of his names will give a clue of his destiny and what he is capable of. The name may sound somewhat barbaric to European ears. He will be influenced by old customs known in the literature but generally forgotten. [...] The Antichrist will be worse than Hitler. In ~1989 he's living in the Middle East. He is at a very crucial time in his life, when impressions will influence his future lifepath. Currently in the realm there is a lot of violence, political maneuvering, and corruption. The atmosphere is having an effect on him and he's coming to realize what his destiny is. [...] His followers will regard him as a religious figure. [...] He will gain immense world-wide power. Thursday will be an important day for him, he will take it as his day of worship. [...] There will be enormous warfare and bloodshed from his weapons, one "a monster borne of a very hideous beast". Hard radiation will cause gross deformities, terrible mutations in nature, in plants and animals as well as Mother Earth. In the period 1997 or 2001 there will be great pain and despair."
This is something we can all look forward to yes... great find Daz, great find.
So it is official. We are definately having one of the most quiet Christmas' we have ever had before. And there isn't much I or anyone can say to prevent it being so. The thing is... I am not that bothered about it. I don't want the hassle this year. Me and the family have not had it easy this year and we just shared a rather large Christmasy like dinner with my sister and her kids. All four of them! There have been some problems with the family again actually... Jason and his wife Sam are coming over tomorrow to take my brother up Lakeside, but lest they forget what happened a while ago. Jason accused me and Wayne of being bastards - to other people, simply because we can't accept having another person living in the house. My mother is disabled, barely able to look after herself and I can barely maintain my own physical being. Wayne works all the time and yet Jason reckons it would be okay if someone else who needed looking after could move in with us. Who the hell is going to take care of her?
Is it right for us to have put our foot down and said no... or does that make us bastards? I am curious.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
In asking my sister Dawn she agreed. Asking Pat, my friendly neighbour, she agrees. Even my mother sort of agreed in the end - but still I hear about how we are miserable bastards. Why doesn't he put her up if it bothers him that much? Why? I'll tell you why - since marrying HER he has become a part of that family's tradition of turning their noses up at people who have less money than them. Yes, they are stinking rich. We haven't seen her family for almost five years now - I think the last time I remember seeing them was during a lightning storm in 1998 when her father Charlie came over to check the place out for some reason. I still never found out what that was about.
I would like to thank a world that never understood or accepted me, family and friends that never believed in me, and a God with one hell of a sense of humor. You have all made me what I am today. Let that weigh heavily on your consciences.
All you have a good day now. I shall be back in the morning dew, possibly Saturday or Sunday.
Current mood: happy.
Current music: Requiem for a Dream, the Main Theme.
Not sure why I wrote that. I should be getting off soon so that I can sort out the last minute shopping and stuff. I didn't want to leave it to the last minute and be taken completely by surprise. In about 5 minutes I have to be on a bus to Barking to pick up nine million cards and three prezzies. I have a migraine but I have decided to do it.
I spoke to Pete today, for the first time in 2 months. He is a postman still, after 4 years. Jeez. I don't understand why he does it. Apparently, he told me that a Postal strike is imminent on the 19th and 23rd of December. Nice timing boys. Nice timing.
I am watching a lot more TV than I should be. I actually left Harry Hill on the other night and I don't normally watch him. However this time I watched and laughed, he seems to enjoy putting TV down a lot more than most of my mates. Chris Tarrant was on as well - Who Wants to be a Millionaire. That wasn't the show but thats one of the shows he does here in the UK. And Radio, as well as Tarrant on TV, that show where he shows all the gross things from around the world, and some funny adverts.
I should be going now really - any more time and I might miss the quiet time down there in Barking. It gets packed other wise.
Oh yeah, apparently my mother is really scared of walking in on my nan and finding her... well, dead. It really scares her because my nan is not doing too good. I don't know if my mother can take another loss - she has already lost her father and husband within the space of five years. Let's just hope this one fights for a bit longer...
Have a nice day all,
And may the gods shine upon you... (corniest line EVER!)
Current mood: Excelled.
Harry Enfield! What happened to him?
Ah well, back to the point in hand. Mesa back now. Possibly for good, assuming I don't get rabies off the old woman down the road. "Do you have to listen to Nirvana? Why can't you be like the other boys in the area and listen to Gareth Gates! He is such a nice boy and he doesn't incite violence in people!"
"When did Nirvana do that?" I asked her.
"Didn't their lead singer shoot himself?" she asked.
"He was depressed. He had a lot of bad things going on in his life and no one seemed to care. It had nothing to do with his music. His music was an expression of his own feelings and was quite beautiful."
"But what about that other group you listen to?"
"I don't know their name!"
"Well, I listen to them sometimes, and Metallica."
"One of the biggest bands of the eighties and nineties?"
This conversation went on for about thirty minutes before she finally gave up and went shopping, mumbling something about how nice Gareth was. She thinks he is Jesus. I kid you not. She loves the boy like he was her own son. She has a picture of him on her living room wall. I'm glad she is moving. I don't mean to be nasty but she is a bit overly-snobbish for my liking. We can't have a garden party without her slagging the music off, but she has the same taste in music as my mother so she likes her.
Celine Dion. She was on the radio the other morning when I came down the stairs. Someone kill me now!
I am cleaning the PC up today so it might take some time. I am going to watch my new Indiana Jones dvd's all day to have fun. I need it. I am feeling great and I don't want the feeling to go away. I think there are many reasons. Last week I thought I was having some strong feelings for a friend and I have finally pushed them deep down. I doubt that she would look at me like that anyway, but that wasn't the point. I had to do it for her. She really deserves someone far better than me anyway, in that respect, and of course I'm not quite ready to take that responsibility on myself. I need to be a better person for the sake of the other.
Okay, now I am prattling. I have to get this defrag sorted. Have a nice day all and we'll meet again soon... tomorrow or Thursday more likely.
Current mood: okay.
Okay, so most of you who know me knew what the other post said and what was written in there. I apologise to you since I have gone done and erased it since then and remade a new shorter one. After much deliberation I have chosen to stay, and I shall explain why.
The other day while I was under a spell, I felt so bad that I wanted to hurt myself, both physically and mentally. I wanted someone to tell me how ugly I was, or how pathetic I was and when it didn't happen I wanted to feel some pain. It never came. When I read some of the comments people left and e-mails from friends it made me feel bad. WHat was I doing to these people? Why did I allow myself to think no one cared, when clearly they do? Here I have perfect strangers telling me that they like me or know me enough to want me to stay, and I was worried about a few stupid words from my own friends out here!
Human nature was supposed to be non caring and bastardised - not affectionate and loving. I never felt warmer than when I read those comments.
This is going to sound corny but, I am finding myself growing rather fond of you all. Weird that I never picked up on this before. Plus I made the promise to always be here if you wanted to talk and I mean it. No more stupid leaving notions, I promise. I'm staying for good this time. Unless I get hit by a bus. :o)
So, today I am cleaning my room. I should have done it last night but I was too tired. Plus I wanted to see Bowling for Coumbine again. How cool was that film? I have intentions to buy it on DVD later.
For now I shall entrust C4 to keep showing it to me.
Have a nice day all and please don't hesitate to mail me if you need anything.
Current mood: bouncy.
We can go back in time and change things. Strange that!
I'm sure there was a different entry here once. See you soon people.
Current mood: Strangely happy again.
1. FULL NAME: Darren Jarrod Jones
2. NICKNAME: Nightshadow, OI!, Dumber, that weird bloke
3. EYES: Brown
4. HEIGHT: 6'
5. HAIR: Dark
6. SIBLINGS: 2 bros, 1 sis
7. DO YOU LIKE TO SING IN THE SHOWER? No
8. DO YOU LIKE TO SING IN THE TOILET? Hehehe... no
9. BIRTHDATE: 7th October 1976
10. SIGN: Libra
11. ADDRESS: *** L********e Road, Essex
12. SEX: Male
13.RIGHTY OR LEFTY: Right
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP?: Someone who can take me for what I am, not what I look like
15. HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED?: No
16. MARITAL STATUS: Single
17. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: Yes, and it flies
18. WHAT KINDA CAR YOU HAVE/WANT?: A Lexus
19. MOVIE: Donnie Darko
20. SONGS: Fortune Faded (RHCP), Imitation of Life (REM), Bad Day (REM), Voices (Disturbed), My Immortal (EVANESCENCE), Beautiful Day (Sarah Brightman), Hotel California (EAGLES)
21. BAND/SINGER: REM
22. TV SHOW: King of Queens
23. ACTOR: Jason Statham
24. ACTRESS: Mila Kunis
25. FOOD: Pasta
26. NUMBER: 21
27. CARTOON: simpsons?
28. DISNEY CHARACTER: Simba
29. COLOUR: Red
LOVE LIFE ETC
30. DO YOU PLAN ON HAVING CHILDREN?: Yes I do, one day
31. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?: Im not sure yet
32. HOW OLD DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST?: 40
33. HOW OLD DO YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU GET MARRIED?: I dont know
34. WOULD YOU HAVE KIDS BEFORE MARRIAGE?: Yes
37. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?: Not really, no
EITHER-OR (PICK WHICH ONE YOU PREFER)
38. MUSIC/TV: Music
39. GUYS/GIRLS: Girls
40. GREEN/BLUE: Blue
41. PINK/PURPLE: Purple
42. SUMMER/WINTER: Winter
43. NIGHT/DAY: Night
44: HANGIN OUT/CHILLIN: Chillin
45. DOPEY/FUNNY: Funny
ALL ABOUT YOU
46. WEIRD SAYING YOU HAVE: Humanahumanahumanahumana
47. WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO?: Used to be Mayfield
48. HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN DRUGS?: No
49. WHAT'S A MAJOR TURN-ON FOR YOU?: Funny girls
50. HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO ON A FIRST DATE?: Peckham, maybe
51. THE PERSON YOU KNOW WHO IS...
*MOST BLONDE: My neighbour Stuart
*NICEst person : Danielle
*TALLEST: Jim (6ft something)
*BEST PERSONALITY: Danielle
*BEST ALL-AROUND PERSON: See above
52. WHICH 5 PEOPLE ARE YOU OPEN WITH AND TRUST THE MOST: Lee, my brother Wayne, Danielle, Emma and Jenny
53. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SOUL MATES? Mine died a long time ago. Im actually destined to spend the rest of my life alone.... forever.
54. IS IT RIGHT TO FLIRT IF YOU HAVE A BF/GF?: No
55. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU CRIED ABOUT?: Ice Age
56. WHAT'S SOMETHING ABOUT GUYS/GIRLS YOU DON'T GET?: Why do girls have to hate me so much, personally?
57. ARE YOU HAPPY?: At the moment no
58. WHY? Shit happens
59. WHAT'S AN OBJECT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? Water more likely
60. LOVE OR TRUST?: Trust first, then love
61. SILVER OR GOLD?: Silver, looks better
62. DIAMOND OR PEARL?: Diamond
63. SUNSET OR SUNRISE? Sunrise... with the person I want
64. HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY-DIPPING?: Yep
65. DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?: Once upon a time
66. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS?: No
67. WHAT COLOR UNDIES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?: Red hehehe
68. WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?: Dizzee Rascal - Fix Up, Look Sharp
69. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER?: I dont think so...
70. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?: Canada
71. WHO DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?: not here, someone will see
72.WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?: The eyes
73. FAVORITE SPORT?: Swimming
74. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: "she" does
75 . WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET: RHCP - Best Of
76. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES?: Not anymore
77. WHAT'S THE BEST ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU?: Fuck off and die, freak!
78. HAVE YOU EVER WON ANY SPECIAL AWARDS?: Yes. I won the award for stupidest man in 2001 and award for the most unwanted piece of trash in 2002
79. WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE GOALS?: To actually love again
80. WORST SICKNESS YOU EVER HAD?: Mental illness, bipolar depression
81. DO YOU LIKE FUNNY OR SCARY MOVIES BETTER?: Scary
82. ON THE PHONE OR IN PERSON: Neither, Im too shy
83. HUGS OR KISSES?: Hugs
84. WHAT SONG SEEMS TO REFLECT YOU THE MOST?: Metallica's Unforgiven
85. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW- WHO WOULD YOU LEAVE EVERYTHING TO?: My brother who took care of me most of my miserable life
86. DO YOU HAVE ANY ENEMIES?: Yes, I have three major enemies... Agent Smith, a guy called John and Pie
87. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?: Dying without telling her that she is the most precious thing in the world
88. WOULD YOU RATHER BE RICH OR FAMOUS?: Famous
89. WHAT TIME IS IT IN ALBANIA NOW?: I dont know... what the...?
90. IF YOU HAD 24 HOURS LEFT TO LIVE, WHO WOULD YOU SPEND THAT TIME WITH: Can't say on here
92. IF E.T. KNOCKED ON YOUR DOOR HOLDING UP A PEACE SIGN ASKING TO USE YOUR PHONE WHAT WOULD YOU DO? let him use the phone
93. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TALKED TO THE PERSON YOU LIKED IN PERSON? In person? I haven't
94. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: Not anymore
95. WHATS YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS?: Nope... its on my profile thingy
96. LAST TIME YOU WERE DEPRESSED?: Right now
97. ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?: I want to be
98. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?: Sian
99. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT PERSON?: She's special, and great
100. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?: Of course.
Current mood: bored.
Current music: HOTEL CALIFORNIA - EAGLES.