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[Sat/Sep/2012 at 4:52pm] |
I feel a lot lately like he doesn't support/encourage the things that are important to me. Getting him to read anything I've written (even if I swear it's short) is like pulling teeth. He hates listening to me talk AT ALL about the political climate lately (even though he's smarter than me and I would love his insight on certain things and this is the first election I've cared about and I think it's important). He shows 0 interest in anything I've sketched, no matter how proud of it I am. I mentioned getting back into painting and he literally said NOTHING until I made an issue out of his silence. even when I bitch about work (like he does almost every day after work) he gets this expression like "oh, this again."
I just want some semblance of interest in the things that are important/hurtful/personal/serious to me. I listen to him bitch, I participate in his rantings, I have read his ENTIRE manuscript at least once, I've made notes and suggestions and everything in it (which, by the way, were promptly dismissed with "oh i wasn't interested in that right now"), I encourage him when he says he wants to do something, I've made a specific and dedicated effort to be less negative about his ideas for future endeavors and I've made a concerted effort to be more helpful/encouraging about those things.
Why should I be trying so hard when I get absolutely none of it back?
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[Wed/Sep/2012 at 2:06pm] |
I'm probably just setting myself up for disappointment here but I left my ("old") best friend, Jess, a message on FB asking her if we can catch up over lunch. She's been (seemingly) intentionally distant the last few years, and I don't even know if I want to re-kindle our friendship or just get closure or what but I know I miss her now and then.
I'm not that close to a lot of people I used to be close to and maybe I'm just too anti-social to make new friends or maybe I am feeling sentimental or maybe I'm just a glutton for disappointment but oh well.
Maybe if she totally blows me off I can just take that to mean she doesn't want a friendship with me and let it go. I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been bitter, but really, where's any of that gotten me?
The sad thing is that I don't even get lonely anymore. When I'm feeling "lonely" it's usually just that I want Jared to come home. I don't really get the urge to be around other people.
But where will that leave me if something were to ever happen to Jared? Is it wrong to want friends because I'm worried that if he were to ever leave my side I'd probably do whatever I could to follow him? I don't know. I don't even know if that's what I want.
I think I just want my best friend back but I'm trying to cushion the nearly-guaranteed blow of her rejection.
Which she probably will, because even though in High School she was always cool about everything and understanding and open-minded, since she's gotten involved with her husband she seems less so. When we were turning 21 (our birthdays are 3 days apart), I was enthusiastic about drinking together. Apparently she decided I was peer-pressuring her into it and legitimately stopped talking to me.
When we DID finally do something together after that, we ended the evening at my house and I am a regular pot smoker, so I ASKED HER if it would offend her if I had a bowl. She said no, and so I started smoking. Because it is considered rude not to offer, I said, "If you want some, just say so, but don't feel like I'm pressuring you because you are definitely more than welcome not to smoke." (or some variation of that; i'd deliberately tried to make it clear that I was not trying to push her into it - I was simply being polite).
And I have only heard from her once after that - to ask me if I wanted to go to the funeral of one of our old classmates. I didn't get the message in time and so I missed it, but that was all. A week or two ago I posted on her wall that I couldn't believe it had been 2 full years since we'd last SPOKEN (about the funeral) and said, "how did that happen." All she could say was "Life is crazy that way..."
Maybe I'm imagining it because I'm sensitive about the way she just dropped our entire friendship because she felt like I was "peer pressuring her into drinking" ON OUR 21ST FUCKING BIRTHDAY. I guess I just don't understand how she didn't know me well enough to just say, "I don't think I'm ready to drink," or "I really don't want to." That's all it would have taken. I've never been the type of person to shove something down someone's throat.
Ugh.
Bleh.
Jared never liked her anyway. But he's never liked 95% of my friends, so whatever. He just doesn't like most girls (which should be a comfort to me)
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[Fri/Sep/2012 at 9:33pm] |
oh how things can change so quickly.
overnight, for example. without a single word from me about it.
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[Sun/Aug/2012 at 4:41pm] |
these headaches seriously won't quit. i think i'll have to request the other BC option (that they give me now and then) even though it's a little more expensive. i don't THINK i get headaches on that one. they're both supposed to be low hormone dosages though - so I shouldn't be getting headaches AT ALL.
maybe i need to just wait it out and exercise more. maybe eat a more well-balanced diet.
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[Sat/Aug/2012 at 6:12pm] |
I guess I should know already before I ask that getting you to read anything I've written - no matter how short it is, how important it is, or how proud of it I am - is like pulling teeth while you're still awake.
I should know better than to ask and be disappointed but I just keep trying
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[Sun/Aug/2012 at 6:35pm] |
ugh
i have had a headache every day this week and most of them go away for like half an hour after I take ibuprofen and then they just come back :((((
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[Tue/Aug/2012 at 3:44pm] |
I AM ON MY NEW LAPTOP.
Cue heart attack
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[Mon/Aug/2012 at 8:58pm] |
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I THINK MY LAPTOP WILL BE HERE TOMORROW.
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[Mon/Aug/2012 at 2:33pm] |
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we drank all day yesterday and ended up cuddling instead of fooling around. ♥ what is better than that, please?
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[Sun/Aug/2012 at 1:36pm] |
so last night we didn't play at all - screwing up our mutually noted every-other-day routine haha - because once we started drinking we were both sleepy. Still, it was a fun night and we have today off together so we decided to drink all day and play later once we're drunk. the drinking movies we've selected for the day: Universal Soldier, Reefer Madness, Return of the Jedi.
Going to be a good night :)
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[Fri/Aug/2012 at 8:59pm] |
blurgh.
so full from chinese food. and sweaty.
and my chair keeps sinking lower and lower and making a farting sound.
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[Mon/Aug/2012 at 2:55pm] |
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been making progress with the manuscripts this weekend, which is a nice change. it's been a long time since i've just sat down and used my free time to really work. i keep half-assing it lately, but this weekend's been much better. got tons done on the outline for book one, plus I'm editing as I go so I've probably edited 13k. Not a fine-toothed edit, but it's still progress. And for AoA I wrote almost 1.4k, so I'm hoping that gets picked back up until we finish it in a few chapters so I can finally mark it complete.
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| le sigh |
[Sun/Aug/2012 at 5:10pm] |
it is hot and we are cleaning up the kitchen and such and it is making me cranky to be this sweaty.
trying to not be mean to him for no reason. i hate being this muggy. :||||||
but, there is(/are) veggie pizza, hawaiian pizza, and garlic knots in my future! and orange cream vodka.
and a sexy beast of a husband to maul later
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[Sun/Jul/2012 at 11:25pm] |
I wish pinterest would just email me my invitation now please. Anne got me hooked on finding things I can do for my apartment AND NOW I CAN'T SAVE ANY OF THEM UNTIL IT LETS ME REGISTER.
rargh
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[Tue/Mar/2011 at 3:58pm] |
fb fortune cookie:
Look for new outlets for your own creative abilities.
hmmm. interesting.
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