Mego's Blurty
 
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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Mego's Blurty:

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    Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
    11:44 pm
    holidays....
    Ugh, I get so depressed during the holidays....actually...let's see....Christmas day....during the evening...throughout the rest of that week, into the weekend....ok, so some of it could be PMS, but still...grr....crying does horrible things to my eyes...really.....blergh...

    I worry that I ruined bowling for everyone, because I wasn't having a good time, and I should have been, regardless of the scores I was getting. I should have shaken it off and laughed and had a good time....

    I worry that I didn't spend enough time with the family that was home, when I had the chance to...

    I worry that I worry too much :-P

    I worry that I made too much of a big deal over Logan bringing his girlfriend (whom non in his family(or mine for that matter) had EVER met....(and whom he told them he was bringing....about 3 days before the fact....)) I wasn't under the impression we could invite anyone. Any of my siblings took guests when they got to college. Oh well....oh, and she didn't really talk to me either. I'm sure they had fun upstairs playing 'pool' by themselves though...*cough* HAHAHAHA....pool....hahahaha...riiiiiight. I think I made a bigger deal of it than it should have been, because I was upset that I didn't have anyone I would have been able to take....being a kind of serious thing when you bring a boy to this family gathering....

    I've been thinking about wanting a boyfriend, too much lately. It's lame, and stupid on top of it all. I shouldn't need anyone to make myself feel better about myself. That should be up to me, and only me.

    Anyone I try to get back into shape...ergo making myself feel better about...myself...things mess up (ie: holiday's....+our family=LOTS OF FOOD THAT I SHOULDN'T BE EATING)....but you know, that's just me for you. I don't usually follow through on things I say I'm going to do. Tell myself I'm going to do, or other people...that I'm going to do....


    I was pretty seriously considering jumping someone at the mall the other day though.

    I'd though about it before, but this was more than just though. This involved actual planning. HAHA...

    I talked to Trisha on the phone tonight. SHe was soooo hyper, lol, it was fun.

    "Ok, I got you this thingy..it looks like a....sausage....and...OMG! I got my finger stuck in it!!" lol, good times. :)

    I just need to get in a better mood about everything.

    My mom woke me up this morning...well, I didn't exactly wake up to the nice, 'Morning, Megan'. It was more of the screaming 'I let your stupid dogs out without a leash on and now I can't find Kodak, get down there now and get him.' kind of waking up. Lovely. She was back in a few minutes to tell me she had gotten him inside....needless to say, the lump that I am, sat there and cried....partially because of the sudden waking, and partially because of the fact my dog had gone missing. And apparently they're stupid and no one wants them...regardless of the fact that they are one of the few things that make me happy....no one seems to care about that...making it so they make me a bit less, happy....because everyone else hates them.....

    I then cried myself back to sleep, wrecking havoc on my eyes for a second time in the past week. Fun, fun, fun.

    I did get a lot of what I wanted, for Christmas. Cell phone from Paige (yayness!), a sabre, plasteron, and two wires, from Diane (yay!!!); and other stuff. Mini's too. I started painting them tonight. I haven't even gotten through one yet. Fun stuff though...


    Movies with happy endings now make me sad, the stupid things.

    Geeze...I'm hopelessly lame...I want a boyfriend...there, I've said it again....*cough, dork, cough* *cough, desperate, gags* Ah huh. Ah huh.


    I'm out.

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: Greatest Story Ever Told
    Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
    1:14 pm
    Lord of the Rings
    LOTR, Return of the King, is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My favorites parts were when we first see the witch king....when Eowyn kicks ass on the battlefield......when Legolas kicks ass on the battle field...when Aragorn kicks ass on the battle field...when....you get the picture :D:D:D:D

    I guess I shouldn't say too much in case people actually read this and haven't seen it?


    IT ROCKS!!!!!!!

    And I'm surprised I was able to get up this morning, lol....hehe......didn't get home till 5 am.

    Current Music: christmas music
    Friday, December 12th, 2003
    12:38 pm
    bad news is...
    ...I didn't go to the play...or my voice lesson, yesterday. I just really wasn't feeling well. The good news is...*Crosses fingers* that I'm feeling a bit better today....started before bed last night. I was actually able to exercise a bit before bed. Yippie...(and not collaspe of course...that would have been bad...very bad...)

    Today...I'm going to a street fair thingy near here....with Aulii, and then after that, we might be going to a b-ball game at the HS. Greenwood vs. Midd. I have to call her after school though, to figure out what time we're going, and if she Can go to the game after.

    My lunch break is just about over... *eats food while typing*

    I have to: finish up my schoolwork;
    after school, call Aulii to find out when we'll meet and where
    go to the market
    go to basketball game
    come home and do some Christmas stuff
    feed all my animals..

    sleep.


    Sound like much fun? HAH.....

    Tomorrow we might be going to get our Christmas tree.. Yay......


    What a day...what a week...

    It should be a Monday.
    Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
    11:05 pm
    Sick again
    Yay, we can use a regular women's sized basketball now..that we're an 'all girls' team for the homeschool b-ball....whoopee....If I hadn't asked, we'd be using a guys ball. Ohh....darn, they have to wear jock straps...guess we can't do that.... 0:-)

    I've felt...weird all day. No all sniffly like I had a cold..just...tired...dizzy....Really tired...headachy...I've been checking my temperature a few times during the day, and it hasn't gone past 98.4....well, I now DO have a temperature that signifies my fears of being sick...are most likely correct. It's only 99.0, but that's still high for me.

    I actually took a nap after school. I only do that when I'm not feeling well..(or I'm going to see a midnight showing of LOTR :D) For three hours.....three freaking hours I wasn't aware of headaches and achyness.....then I woke up and felt worse than ever.


    I should go sleep. Sleep could help a bit.

    I finally caved and took an advil for my headache...I should have been taking something all day...to help urge this thing to go AWAY SOON...

    Is back ache a sign of the flu? Damn it...if I get sick again....grrrr............

    I don't have time to be sick!!!!!


    My dad should have gotten the flu shot at school when he had the chance....herd protection.....he's my father, you'd think he'd want to protect me from the nasty things he brings home from those disease ridden 7th graders, right? HAHAHAHA....


    Oh whatever....I can't decide if I have enough energy to go upstairs to bed....meaning...I have to get up from my comfy chair (should be more comfortable)....go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face...and climb the stairs to bed...that's....15 steps up..and then Ihave to change into my pj's and climb into bed....or collapse rather....

    On the other hand, I could crash on the couch...and not get as good of sleep as I could from sleeping in my own bed.


    idk if I can go to the play w/Trisha tomorrow or not.... :-/ It partially depends on how I'm feeling...well, ok, mostly depends on that...and then after that...it depends on when my voice lesson is....and if I go to that....and if I dont' go to my voice lesson...(I haven't been to one since before Thanksgiving, too hectic and vacation and all) than I'll be most likely confined to the house until I get better or get worse and go to the doctor.

    I hate taking medication for things.... *sighs*













    I was just sick over Thanksgiving break!!! *cringes* not again....not something different...please.....*sniffles*

    Current Mood: distressed
    Current Music: Poison the Well
    Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
    10:07 pm
    screw it
    This is getting so old. All the fucking fighting that doesn't mean anything.....serves no purpose.......

    Bailey was at the vet today...had to stay and have x-rays taken...he has hip displasia in both hips...and a bone chip in his right hip... :-/ He's going to have to be on medication for the rest of his life...which the vet told us today...Golden's usually only live 10-12 years!!! :-(

    I fed him tonight...and my dad came into the living room....was talking to the dog...said how he 'looks like he's lost weight' (bull...absolute bull) and how he has 'all this loose skin' (aka FAT ROLLS) and then he asked if I had fed Bailey dinner. Which I had, and which I told him. He made the comment that Bailey looked like he was hungry (he was looking for water....ie: panting and going to his water dish)....and proceeded to go and grab two HUGE handfulls of food and put it in Bailey's dish for him....making the comment that we don't want him to lose his appitite....it wouldn't kill the dog to lose some weight....he's on a DIET. Part of the plan since going to the vet, to help put LESS stress on his joints. But no, see.....apparently since it's weight control food he's on...you can fucking feed him twice as much, and it's alright. Everything is a-ok. Let the dog gain 20 pounds....sure thing, just so he doesn't 'starve'....so he doesn't lose his appetite. Yeah, lets. Make the 10-12 year old range backslide to hmm....let's see.....8 maybe? Yeah, give him another fucking year on this kinda of 'diet' that my dad likes......the 'no starving' one...the, 'because it's weight control food you have to feed him more' fucking diet, yeah, that's the one.


    Needless to say I think I need anger managment classes or something......punching bag for sale...anyone?

    My dad has been blaming everything on me.....he doesn't want to listen to anythign I say about the dog...because I'm telling it to him.

    For the past two weeks, I've been saying because of his hips, we should cut back on his food, so he can lose some weight and not put as much stress on them....

    Then tonight at dinner..... my dad says: "I think we should cut back on his food, so he doesn't put as much stress on his hips...." Right......hmm...wonder who gave you that idea?

    Or maybe, 'we'll have to put a ramp up for him I guess...' after I've been saying that for t he past week, and trying to get something done about it.

    Maybe it's the fact that he now thinks Bailey should have an orthopedic bed....something I've been saying for a few months now.


    Yeah...he just doesn't like to listen to anything I say. And then 'comes up' with it on 'his own' weeks later to make it his own novel idea. Whooopeee.

    Fuck that....


    Fuck this life....


    I'm an idiot...


    I can't even control myself.













    I'm so not in the mood for Christmas.....and that makes me sad.


    I'm not ready for it either....gift wise...> I have one tiny stupid idiotic ornament I made, for each person.....it's a bunch of shit.....normally, by this time, I have maybe one thing for each person to finish up? Not the whole fucking (non-existent...as of yet...this year....) list....


    Remember when this was my life? No...because since it's been like this...it hasn't been worthy of being called a life....



    You want to know the funny thing? Kelcie and I are getting along for a change....well, since yesterday...but still....I haven't fought with her at all really....


    Sweet escape.....


    sweet.....unyielding devotion...


    harbor of safety...


    shield me...


    from myself; my surroundings; my...so-called life.

    Current Mood: drained
    Current Music: 3 doors down
    Saturday, December 6th, 2003
    11:30 pm
    I should have called Trisha back this morning when they told me she'd called last night, and this morning before I was awake... :/ Grr....I wish I could be there for her....give her a hug and make sure...she....doesn't do anything........



    We're going to my sister's tomorrow, to bake x-mas cookies, like we do every December. It should be an interesting day. Who knows, I might come home to pup-sickles..........if my brother 'forgets' to bring my dogs inside....


    It's my life, and I'm not sure where to go with it.


    I want to try new things...and yet....I'm not sure I'm ready to.


    I want to trust myself, but everything I've done, shows that I can't, and shouldn't.


    I can't even get in shape, let alone stop something else before it's too late?


    I hate being a fickle, shallow....fucking girl.....I hate thinking I have all these problems that I used to make fun of in other people....and complaining about them, like I am now...but if not here, then where?

    Blergh.

    At least today I only had a fight with my dad. I got along well with everyone else; and even him, before and then a while afterwards....

    I practiced parallel parking today...still too far from the freaking curb though....it's supposed to be a foot I believe...and I'm out more than that....although my dad insists that they won't care, because I didn't hit anything. Oh, just great. So so tractor trailer coming through Mifflinburg can side swipe me because I'm not close enough to the curb, perfect...just perfect.

    Why do so many girls think that they have to be skinny to be wanted/loved? Hmm....perhaps because all the guys we see walking around with girls....the girls? They're skinny. Belly baring; hip huggers hanging down low and thong showing. Lovely.

    It would also help if I had some breasts. HAH.....but we won't get into that.



    Yes, to those of you out there wondering, I DO have breasts...just not...the size I'd like. Oh well, not much short of implants (birth control pills/tofu?) that I can do about it at this point.









    I've said it before. I have to take my own advice. 'just do it' do...instead of thinking all the time....


    do...exercise.....

    eat right.....

    not argue all the time...

    kiss someone when I feel like it...

    cry when I feel like it, and not fight it off...






    I have nothing...but time. I suppose.

    Current Mood: contemplative
    1:28 am
    Oh...oh....
    I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in.....

    I hate yelling at my puppies...maybe I do need some anger managment classes or some shit like that...

    God...fucking...damn it....to hell....rat bastard.......shitness.

    I don't know what I want, or where I want to go. Who I want to end up being for the rest of my life.



    Oliver James: 'The Greatest Story Ever Told'


    "Then the world could never know, the greatest story ever told, and did I tell you that I love you, tonight..."




    That's the fucking way it is.




    I know nothing.



    I feel everything, and nothing.




    I understand nothing.




    I am.....nothing?





    Headaches.....














    night

    Current Music: Dancing in the Moonlight
    1:28 am
    Oh...oh....
    I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in.....

    I hate yelling at my puppies...maybe I do need some anger managment classes or some shit like that...

    God...fucking...damn it....to hell....rat bastard.......shitness.

    I don't know what I want, or where I want to go. Who I want to end up being for the rest of my life.



    Oliver James: 'The Greatest Story Ever Told'


    "Then the world could never know, the greatest story ever told, and did I tell you that I love you, tonight..."




    That's the fucking way it is.




    I know nothing.



    I feel everything, and nothing.




    I understand nothing.




    I am.....nothing?





    Headaches.....














    night

    Current Music: Dancing in the Moonlight
    Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
    11:39 pm
    snow snow snow snow...
    I ended up babysitting until 1:45 this morning. Mrs. F was later then she thought she'd be, and then on the way home, there was a mini snow storm thingy, so they were driving Really slowly. Oh well. The kids had gone to bed at 11....I was the one struggling to stay awake. It was good though. Made more money than I thought I was going to :-Þ

    Thanksgiving was crazy. Lisa was pissed because of the puppies....her DOG kept growling at MY puppies, for no freaking reason, and she got away with it. Oh yes, Maddie is allowed to be on the furniture when my dogs aren't....Maddie is allowed to run around the house and my dogs aren't.....oh, and according to my sister...my dogs need to get balls....they obviously aren't supposed to cower when another dog attacks them.

    *sighs*


    I missed fencing!! *sniffle*

    I need to work on Christmas gifts....

    oh yeah, and there's school too...whoops....yeah yeah, I know, I didn't Actually forget about that....*sighs of wistfullness* but I wish I could.




    At the moment my dogs are sleeping.....I have to go soon though...take them out one last time and get some SLEEP. Me. Sleep. Not them. Although I'd like for them to sleep too. Yes...that would be good....sleeeeeep....




    I love my friends.






    I should go now.

    Current Mood: bored
    Current Music: NONE....and I so wish there were...music....mentally...music
    Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
    11:09 pm
    I swear I didn't do a thing
    I walk out back....supposedly sigh or something, and my dad says, 'you're one to talk, going to bed at 4 in the morning.' whoa, wtf?! 'I didn't say anything,'

    'yeah, sure Megan, *yada yada, etc*' idk what he said, but I was like, 'I didn't say or do Anything?! What's the problem?!' he kept being all like, yeah, right, like you didn't...wtf?! So I put on music...and he scoofs at me for that. Whatever.

    soooo tired....

    grr...




    11/25/03

    Feining happiness;
    laughing with a smile
    Pretending every day is fine
    but hurting all the while.
    Charade comes easier
    week after day;
    only, the darkness inside
    won't go away.
    Smoothly; freely;
    the silver cuts and flashes,
    showing red dripping:
    draining to the floor, and splashing.
    Every avenue attempted;
    and Feelings; denied.
    Every day, heart breaking;
    as if the soul hadn't tried.
    What ways out now?
    of this flesh and bone cage?
    Lies always forming;
    time after age.
    Hopeless to go;
    stupid to stay,
    and no one to point out,
    the best way.
    So mind drifts,
    when body cannot.
    Dreams and wishes;
    elaberate plot.
    Wanting something,
    and not sure what--
    only, something to heal
    up, every single cut.
    Every lost dream;
    hope; and wish.
    Every time, no brave enough
    to kiss.
    All the thoughts,
    turned bad with age,
    while ever longing
    to escape this cage.
    created by me. Myself
    and I.
    Deemed here, to sit
    until I die.
    Cramped up and crying,
    will it never end?
    how do I get myself out?
    how do I bend,
    my thoughts
    and emotions
    to feel: what I haven't in years.
    Sweet unyielding devotion.
    Infinite scars. Scabs,
    and lines.
    Trying to conseal
    these exteriour hurts of mine.
    Trying to match
    what the feelings show inside.
    Although I'm not sure my heart;
    knows I've applied.
    Facades; charades:
    is it enough?
    Soon we'll see
    if I'm of tougher stuff.
    Perhaps stop the cycle?
    Maybe halt it's suicide charge.
    Keep this thing inside diminishing;
    While now, it's so large...so large.
    Hopeful thinking,
    tears to cry...
    and wishing; hoping,
    Not to die. ®



    I just wrote that today. Ah huh.....eh, well...I can't like everything I do...it's...ok though...



    I should sleep.....so I can do school tomorrow....and then major cleaning...that I didn't get done tonight...OR!! I could go to my room and clean it..staying up until who knows when...then get up early and finish up school work fast...and THEN do major cleaning. HAHAHAHA, mt. dew time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: Rammstein
    5:58 pm
    who knows
    Trisha came to b-ball and fencing with me last night.....after I had been home all of 15 minutes since Monday morning when we left to take Sydney back to Di and Brent. But it was fun. I hope she had fun. I sucked at fencing, and I got soooo mad at the guys.....I can't stand it when Ben B. brags after he gets a point....we were fencing foil, and I had to walk away, or I was going to do something I wouldn't want to do...so of course, they made fun of me for that....just 'cause I joke around, doesn't mean that they have free rein in joking rights. Grr...I hate hormones..... Oh yeah, and btw guys, I'm allowed my once a year blow ups, ok? Last year it was when Nate pissed me off royally. At least I don't hate you. *much* ;-)


    Trish and I stayed up till almost 5 am this morning. HAHAHAHA. We then woke up...(were WOKEN) at 10 am. So...not tons of sleep, but more than I would have had if she hadn't been there and my mom decided to get me up and doing about 5 days worth of school work.

    We took her home. And now...after my mom goes out for Thanksgiving groceries.......I have to do some kick-ass cleaning.

    HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...throw everything in the basement, sweep the floors...wash the windows...wipe the tables...VOILA. *riiiiiiiiiiiight*




    I don't like how I look. Trisha almost wouldn't tell me how much she weighs, and then when she went to weigh herself, she said she'd lost 7 pounds in two weeks!!! AHHHHH, damn it, wish I could do that. OH well..but yeah..so..she thinks she's fat...and that's not cool, 'cause she's not at all.


    Oh well....personal opinion I guess. She said I'm not fat at all. That I'm skinny, and I was saying that about her, and it's not like I was actually think, but man, she's fat. That's not true at all. She's a good weight.


    Anyways, stupid self-consciousness.....










    I have no self-confidence.




    Or not much at least.







    "Yes Megan, we all like seeing your underwear."

    Current Music: XXX soundtrack
    Saturday, November 22nd, 2003
    11:25 pm
    I suck at me.
    Fencing is fun...until you lose. Which I'm good at. At least I didn't swing my sword at anyone after the bout today...hah..unlike last practice *sorry Chole* So what if I got medals.... *no GOLDS* so what...grr...I lost to Ben again in sabre...THAT PISSES ME OFF>.....and I suck at fencing....I do....

    Stupid judge accusing me of 'losing my edge because I talked' like, OMG, no one here has EVER said a freaking WORD to anyone while fencing!!!!!!! Dude, those....IDIOTS. That's not why I fucking 'lost my edge' SIR. Excuse me if I'm just a lucky-ass-bitch-fencer who doesn't know how to do it correctly. And by do it, I mean fencing you sickos.



    Screw fencing. I suck at it too.



    And volleyball...


    And basketball...


    And swimming...


    And softball...


    And....people.......


    And me....


    And relationships....


    And...just...being...me....













    Yeah...that's it...I suck at me. Good song title there. I suck at me.












    This place I'm at,
    Between the dog, and his fucking mat,
    I suck at.

    I can't sit still,
    here,
    when you're not with me;
    I can't stay grounded...
    thoughts wander;
    no semblance of
    organazation...
    I suck at this.

    I don't quite understand
    why you're there,
    and I'm here;
    not with you.
    Sitting watching movies,
    crying all alone.
    Eating all the ice cream-
    a cliche, but it's true;
    using up the tissues....when
    all I want to do,
    is just to;
    kiss you.

    I'm not good at many things,
    let alone being...this thing
    I seem to be destined to stay.

    Reticent, lazy;
    call me what you will.

    Crying; and I'm trying...
    always trying, to find out why...

    Why I'm so bad at these things.
    Eyes ache;
    heart,
    ache.
    Leave it alone to die.
    By itself to crumple,
    be defeated; and cease
    living, any longer.

    Forget my pains;
    they are not worth
    any gains I might
    receive. From anything,
    anymore. I suck...
    at lots of things.
    But most of all.

    I suck at me.

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: *shhh, baby is sleeping*
    Friday, November 21st, 2003
    10:04 pm
    Wargaming...
    The guy were were fighting against was ticking me off royally. Jerk. He doesn't even know me, and he was making fun of me...grr....and then got all offended when I made ONE comment about him. Oh well. We beat him anyways. HAH.





    Fencing tournament tomorrow. Which means I need to catch up on my sleep....so I guess..I should go to bed soon....bleh...


    make a phone call first........







    then go to bed.......







    then get up in the morning...take care of the puppies...






    shower....








    go to fencing........









    fence...









    try not to suck.........









    go home........





    have to babysit.........








    and clean......












    and do school..........



    fun stuff.....................






    g2g

    Current Music: Eminem
    Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
    5:45 pm
    Well, Mother...
    This is one of the times that it's better not to listen.

    I've just been told by my mother, that sometimes it's better not to listen, and yet, when I put my headphones on my ears...I get nasty looks and glares for that very fact. My father just hugged me...and when I thought he'd be apologizing, he said... 'you need to hug more,' and walked away...I said something to the fact that even when you think he's going to make up and apolgize for something, it turns out worse...after which he said that he didn't think he had anything to apoligize for, and that's the fucking problem in the first place. He doesn't think anything is ever his fault. I'm not saying I'm not at fault. But in some cases......screw it....



    I don't know why I bother writing in this damn thing....I'm usually only writing crap and complaining, anymore...


    A punching bag would be nice.....and a bar I can do chin ups on.....

    and maybe a cage so I can't eat junk food all the time....



    Oh well....



    I got my puppies new dog beds today. They are still sleeping on them...so far the total nap time is...2 hours. Yayness!!

    They have to go to the vet again tomorrow....their 'five week' checkup...for booster shots....even though it's been more than five weeks, but oh well. We're taking Bailey too, he has to get some shots...fun fun fun....haha, anyone want to help lift him up on the exam table? All...114 pounds of struggling dog flesh? HAHAHAHA...fun times...

    I gave them all baths yesterday...Kodak, Kylie, and Bailey. Kylie was pretty good about it, Kodak wasn't too happy for the whole thing, but after we soaked him, he calmed down, and Bailey jumped out about three times at least, and shook all over the bathroom...*finds shampoo flecks on the ceiling* hehe...




    I can't eat...grr...................

    Current Mood: grrrrrrrr
    Current Music: Trapt
    10:22 am
    Why do I keep going to fencing practice? You know...you'd think that if I could beat Dale, Ben B, and Ben W....I could do it all the time...but nooooo, I have to lose to Peter Pan in sabre...and that's just....sad....and sucky...and....embarressing. I'm better than that, and I know it, and then I get mad at myself for sucking, and that makes it worse at times...I freaking was down, 8-1...and then got it to 8-6....but I still lost...and just because I joke around at fencing...(which is what happened with Nate...he thought he had free rein, because I started to joke around more, and when I'd ask him to stop something, he wouldn't do it, either because he thought I was joking, or because he thought I wouldn't get upset if he kept up with it....) doesn't mean that the guys can make fun of me.......it's annoying as all get out....

    *sighs* Why did I have to be a girl? And in the same thought...why do the guys have to treat me as 'one of the guys' ? all the time?? It's fine usually..but still.....doesn't mean that I want to be one of the guys...all the time...

    Hahahahaha...........


    "Do you have things....?"

    "Yes...yes he does...two in fact..."


    "No, I mean holes...?"

    "Well, where you're pointing to...yes...yes he does..."

    "Don't touch his things."






    "My mommy told me to make sure no one touches my things."




    "I'll make a t-shirt with it...don't touch my things.."


    "Two, two!!! And a pink one too!!!"



    "He might be jealous..."

    "Hey Ben, Dale said maybe you're jealous."

    *blank look* "About what?!" *face turns red*


    riiiiiiight




    Anyways.....yeah...I suck at fencing...oh, and basketball too....volleyball....judging by the fact the coaches promised me an A team spot, and I'm still on the B team..hmm...friendships...yeah< I think I suck at those too....and relationships...hmm....school.....anything really....even this stupid thing. Riiiight.....

    Current Mood: bleh
    Friday, November 14th, 2003
    10:05 pm
    Mixing,
    with water running;
    tears draining,
    no streaks to tell
    of.


    Trisha....don't...do anything..please...I couldn't....ugh, I feel so selfish right now....I...don't know what I'd do.











    Either he leaves, or I leave. That's the bottom line; quid pro quoe. Or however the fuck you spell it.








    Yes, if you threaten to kill my dogs..and then start to drag one across the room, I'm going to freaking hit you. I'm just sorry I didn't kick you in the balls.



    I'm tired of running away from something I shouldn't have to deal with in the first place. But if the whole world were doing what it was 'supposed to'....we might not be here, eh?




    I'm quite sore now...partly from lifting..partly...well...yeah....

    I'm sore...and tired....and pissed...and...drained...just...drained...










    "I'm a hazard to myself"






    My 12 year old sister...when I was in the shower, and my mother walked in and asked if I were ok...I said, 'what, you think I'm going to try and kill myself or something? Oh, there's a novel idea...' said.... 'it's not a novel idea Megan, I've thought about killing myself many times!'

    What the fuck have I done...









    I've ruined....everything.......










    Nothing is going to change....it's been like this before...so, he's never hit me before.....just gotten pissed and started chasing me...but still...

    I told my mom...that either he leaves, or I'm leaving, and I don't care what she does, but that's the way it's going to be. Guess what will happen? Nothing. They're fucking too afraid to talk to him about anything, 'cause he'll get pissed off and throw a freaking tantrum and start throwing things most likely. Oh, yeah, don't forget the attacking part.

    HAHA....my mother said tonight....that they haven't made him do anything before..because 'Marc always stops before he does anything.' Fucking riiiiiiiight..that's just what that's called when I have bruises on my back and the bathroom door is practically off the hinges because he was kicking it so he could come in and hit me some more.

    Like I said, I'm tired of running away...and being afraid in my own fucking house....and having nothing ever happen to change things....




    I can't totally blame my parent's...totally. I'd fucking be afriad to say anything to him too. Or I might have used to be. I'm too....idk...I don't care anymore, if he gets mad. Maybe I figure..if something happens..then they'll have to make him leave...but ooh, right...they can't do that, he doesn't even have a freaking license. My bad....

    No, I'm not bitter...at all...not at all..



    No...I'm not pissed off....huh uh...

    No....I'm not...


    I'm just not...even....shouldn't even..be here....


    I'll just screw things up again...

    And my little sister?

    What will happen to her?





    I'm too tired to even...try to...make myself feel....different...on the outside...now I'm just babling...unravel that grasshopper.










    I'm too tired to try to smile....when my sister makes a joke...





    I'm too tired to cry; I'm not sure they are any left.






    I'm too tired, to stay here....and have things stay the same.




    I'm too tired...to be....anymore?



    Can I stay? Will I....will I stay...


    I'm too tired, to try...not to.

    Current Mood: tired
    Current Music: Hazard to Myself
    Monday, November 10th, 2003
    10:13 pm
    uuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhh...........I hate computers sometimes....I had this whole huge thing typed up and ready to go..and then......wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee crash...........burn.................................kapow. No more update...to update with. It was good too. Hate that..hate that.....





    How many holes do you have to punch in the wall before people notice your broken hand?











    How many bandages do you have to use before they notice you're bleeding?

















    Wo wohnst du?











    Wie hei (stupid .....thing I can't find on the keypad....) t du?







    What about.....




    breakfast




    at Tiffany's

    Current Music: Flogging Molly: Salty Dog
    2:51 pm
    Fuck stupid computers...I had a whole thingy writen out...long and shit...and then...well...fuck it..
    Sunday, November 9th, 2003
    10:49 pm
    I should be careful of what I put in here I guess...no, noone has said anything...but I just realized that I gave this address to some people that I might not want knowing some of these things...oh well..what can one do....


    Kelcie, Whitney and I played, Truth, Dare, or Bare...tonight...lol...wow...ok, I'm so cool to be able to hang out with 11 and 12 year olds and have them say it was a lot of fun...right? Haha...right...that's it...right...



    Adance in four with a disengage and press in six...coupe, clip the blade, extend, lunge. Yayness...I did it..yay...not in an actual bout..but still!!! I'll do that tomorrow...ah huh...I will...

    Balestras are fun too...(I don't think I have that one spelled right...) figure it out and I'll give you a point..ah..yeah..that's right...

    We have fun times...

    Fencing practice tomorrow...oh, then again...first b-ball practice of the season is also tomorrow..idk if I want to go and have them tell me I can't be there...or....just stay home and then later have them say I couldn't have been serious about playing if I didn't even show up to practice the first day...screw them....


    I should probably get to bed...*finally sleeping in my own bed..yayness...*


    God....I need to get in shape......ugh...........................boys are too skinny..........or maybe it's me that's not skinny enough? Eh, well, screw them....I'm only going to try...attempt...see if I can...lose weight..for me...not for anyone else.....well, ok, so maybe it's because I don't have a good self image...not that anyone has told me I'm fat or anything (I don't think I'm fat..just could stand to lose some pounds...)..and I think that if I'm in better shape I'll feel better about myself (which I will, I've almost been there a few times) (at least on the road there, and even on the road, I felt better....)




    so..........yeah............






    I don't say much for the space I take up.









    I don't mean much for the amount of air and time I take up.









    I'm not worth much, for the amount of life I use.










    I'm not smart enough, for the waste of brains.





    *ahhhh choooo*

    Current Mood: distressed
    Current Music: Hey ya
    3:59 pm
    ugh
    I had such a great day yesterday *cough* *gag* *gasp and die*

    Riiiight....

    Are you supposed to feel afraid in your own house?

    I don't think so.

    Are you supposed to feel afraid of people in your own family?

    I think not.


    Are you supposed to feel like you're about to be beaten to death....more than one time in your life?

    Nope.


    Well isn't that just grand...


    How many times has your life flashed before your eyes in your current lifetime? I hope to not experience that again anytime soon....


    But, ya know, since I obviously dictate what people do around here...all the time aparently...then, well, hey, let the 300 pound man run after me like he's about to kill me. I didn't do a thing to him. I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't hit, shove, punch...etc...so on and so forth...simply asked Kelcie to stop bouncing a ball because I was attempting to listen to the television..obviously my mistake. Instead of asking her to stop, my dad just keeps turning the volumn up, so you can barely hear yourself think, let alone hear the tv in the first place.

    'It's a free country megan, I can do whatever I want to do, you can't make me stop.'

    "Dad, could you please ask Kelcie to stop bouncing the ball..."

    "No, I won't do that, she can do what she wants to do, she doesn't have to listen to you."

    .....right...so I get up, grab the ball and throw it across the room....luckily, catching out of the corner of my eye, a giant raging hulk jump up and start after me...so I run...slam a few doors as I go, luckily...because if I hadn't, the giant lump would have caught up to me...if my mother hadn't been standing in the way, talking to Mike, on the phone...he would have caught me.....for some miraculas reason, he finally went upstairs to his room...oh yeah, he doesn't pay for rent either.....oh no...or for food, etc....but see....whenever my parent's get something for me, they ask for me to fund it...not so for Marc..the one with the job....the 16 year old has to pay her way...but the 26 year old...WITH A FUCKING JOB, doesn't have to..makes sense, no?



    Riiiight....


    Sure thing..I'll just go to my room...oh oh oh...just perfect...see...


    'Mom, you aren't supposed to feel afraid in your own house!'

    'No, you aren't...but you have to change Megan, people don't want to be told how to do things Megan's way...we can't live Megan's way.'

    Just perfect. So, I was just about beaten to death, and it's somehow my fault..when it had nothing to do with Marc at all..noooo.....bad Megan..bad Megan, stupid Megan...


    For the first time...it bled....before it was just scratches...but it bled this time.....





    Just perfect...









    My fault...my fault....

    Current Mood: bitter
    Current Music: 3rd Eye Blind
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