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just give me a chance to breathe [23 May 2005|06:51am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

ok so i got like 4 minutes to type this but whatever. lets see i went to bed around 2 last night. fun? oh yes loads. hmmm i'd have to say that last night was one of the weirdest conversations that i've had with anyone in awhile. went from yelling to uhhhh being upset over something that i'd rather not type in here. yea. then to being insane overtiredly hyper. im just glad that he called me last night. really glad actually. i never thought i'd say but considering the fact he wouldnt stop calling me earlier in the night but i am REALLY glad he called me. i dont think i could of taken it if he didnt. still kinda upset over it. i really hope he didnt get like a wave of depression when we got off the phone and did something stupid. dont htink i could take that. really tired today. very umm whats that word?? moody i guess. kinda emo. meh. i just cant wait for the school day to end because i hate going back after i miss a day. i dont really want to see people today really. oh well i have to go.

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i hate the end of the year [22 May 2005|08:02pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | the red-- Chevelle ]

you know if you think about it, the end of the year never brings anything good for me. all the bad shit thats happend this year has happend towards the end of the school year. why? because people cant stand me for the whole 9 months that we spend in school. im starting to think that maybe there is a god and that he's spiting me for not believeing in him. well maybe not "god" but some form of higher being. i did somehting i shouldnt have done today, i started reading some old ims i had with people. made me angry at myself and miss them terriblely. not just talking about one person so dont even try to guess.oh well its in the past right? right. im really getting sick of living here. i've been living here for like 5 years now and still cant stand it. now i have no where to go though. i cant go back to mt laurel because i dont talk to any of them anymore. i could always go to nc, virginia, or flordia but they would probuly get sick of me easily. yup. got no where to go. here theres always an issue. always. no one can ever be happy. and people jsut cant be nice ot everyone. i really cant take it anymore. i need to get away from here. and im not just saying that for "pitty" or whatever the fuck your thinking i really cant take it. i cant take any of you peoples bullshit games. im sick of it.

you know what you guys aint worth it. bye

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oh yay for wonderful days!! [22 May 2005|11:21am]
lets see on friday i stayed home from school because i wasnt feeling good. i was supose to go see star wars with people but i dont know what happend there. oh well i'll just go drag some other people to see it with me. so i think i stayed on the internet for as long as i could take being on it and then went to bed.

on saturday my dad woke me up so i could go mulch (oh yay what fun). it actually wasnt that bad. it was a nice day out and i got to ride the tractor. theresa ran into a tree. i flipped her off of it. twas a hilarious experice. then we went to target and i got some things that i needed to get. got phantom finally. yay!!! so then i got icecream and came home. then i watched phantom with my family. it was nice though because they all fell asleep and i could cry without then making fun of me. ugh gets me everytime. so then i went upstairs and saw for the first time all weekend people decided to call me. ironicness that it was the only night that i was busy doing something. oh well.

today jsut started so i really cant tell you anything. had some crazyass dreams. oh well.

because you kill me
you know you do you kill me well
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[19 May 2005|02:59pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Come, oh come my lifes delight
Let me not in langour pine
Love loves no delay
Thy sight the more enjoyed the more devine
Oh come and take
From me the pain
Of being deprived of thee
Thou all sweetness doust enclose
Like a little world of bliss

Beauty guards thy looks
The rose in them
Pure and enternal is
Come then and make
Thy flight as swift
To me as heavenly light
As heavenly light

i heart that song. soo pretty. today i was tired the entire day. stupid cold medicne. i want to take a nap. think i will. yea that sounds like a plan right about now. not really feeling up to being up. uh bye.

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roar [19 May 2005|06:38am]
hey sorry if the past entry was offense to anyone. tell me and i'll take it off.

im tired of the world thinking that all americans are fat overwieght stupid people. we're not. we're smart and only half of us are considering "obesse". ok just becasye your 5-20 pounds overweight does NOT mean your nessicarry fat. just means you need to get healthy or you can be ont he verge of getting fat. seriously. people are fat in europe. just not as many. and not e3veryone agrees with G.W. and what he says. infact alot of people oppose his views. then why was he reelected?? no one has the balls to elecet someone else in the middle of a war. guess its just us stupid americans again. psssh.

yours truly,
A smart non obbesse american
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Now your here and you dont know why [18 May 2005|10:18pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | Everything You Want--- Vertical Horizon ]

dude right now i just dont know. i have no clue whats going on with anything or anyone encluding myself. its quite annoying. i just want everything to be okay again. i could deal with okay. this is just bleh. everyones having issues suposably and its jsut very eh. i feel like im going to cry or something right now. nothing seems to be going right anymore. and when they do things happen and its all bleh again. i dont get why people cant just be happy. its annoying. because in order for one person to be happy someone else has to be sad. the world sucks like that. i jsut want it to be okay. i want everyone to just smile and mean it. believe me i know this aint the best time for any of you... its not for me either believe me. i just wish everything would just go away. that i coudl forget about all the crap thats been happening lately. i wish people would just tell me whats wrong with them instead of doing the whole im jsut going to infer and not actually tell you. it actaully makes me feel better knowing whats going on then letting my mind wander. especailly when it comes to stuff about me.

im having really big issues with some stuff also and i really dont need these bullshit games. if you want to tell me somehting then tell me, dont dance around it. im not talkign about anyone really. im just saying that that pisses me off. i dont know if its good or not that i started caring again. im so afraid of everything. ah well. stupid emo online journal. one day i shall burn you. you'll see. you will burn.

and i wanted to be
all you need

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uhhh yesterday [18 May 2005|06:31am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | the dryer ]

lets see yesterday i woke up and was AWAKE!! ::gasp:: went to school and did pretty much nothing. ummm. yea nothing interesting thappend. what a life right? right. so then me ashe vic and jess went to the library. it was somewhat of a disturbing day. there was this guy who was looking up porn and such. made me want to throw up. he was making wierd noises and rocking back and forth. discusting. the guy infront of him was looking up bondage and such. i swear the world is ful of perverts. nasty. so then we hung out and didnt really do anything. helped ashe with her ireland power point. lol. ireland is full of very many irish people. nice. lol. so then she left and we where gonan go outside but ended up staying in the computer room. then my mom came so i left. didn't do anything pretty much. mike was being uh weird about me being hyper. i asked him to marry me and he said yes then i was pretending that he lied to me about somehting when he didnt and i divorced him. he got kinda weird about it. then Vic came on. uh. yea. then i went to sleep. i have to do that friggin brave shit today. its due today. have to do it. have to read more. on page 102. thats half way almost. dont really like it that much. its starting to get better. ok i need to get ready now. bye

Tell me something that's sure to break my heart
And i know i desever to be ALONE

Could you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces?

I mean nothing to you and i dont know why...

no one can see anythign on the other side of me
i walk i crawl losing everything on the down fall

you thought your probulems where gone....

why cant you just be happy?
why cant you just be happy?

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Today is fire and she burns [16 May 2005|10:31pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | It's over now that music of the night... ]

ok so today i didnt get any sleep. very very veyr very tired. went to school. didn't really pay atteniton to anything. oh well. ummm. lunch was funny i guess. it always is entertaining i guess. uhhh. nothign really interesitn ghappend today. got my sweat shirt back from laura. and my choir cd. tired to sleep but whisper called. didnt do anything at all today. played DDR for the first time in forever. havn't lost my touch yet. ok im going ot bed now.

Sometimes i think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

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just.... BLAH!!! [12 May 2005|05:01pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | bark bark bark bark SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DAMN DOGS!! ]

okay this is another one of my pointless rants about how stupid my world is so if your sick of it then shut the fuck up and dont read it.

ok so lately i've been doing really bad in school. like insanely bad. i've never done this bad in school before. i have an 83 in latin and in math. both which i took tests in today and hope that i did better so i can maybe get atleast high 80's in by the time report cards come out which is soon. the grade im most pissed about is my science grade. ok it really makes me angry that i got a friggin 58 on that stupidass test when he didn't teach us any of that shit. it really fucking pisses me off. thats probuly why i got a 58, i didnt know half the answers. im so pissed off at him. why the fuck would you give a take home test without teaching the things on the test or giving the students the materials to do it. i think he should rot in hell for it. it really really really makes me what to just take all the tests and burn them because i know that im probuly not the only person who got a low grade on it. i really wish i could just afkjasdlf;jasdlfjlsadfjds. i want to yell at him so badly its not even funny. i dont think its fair. your a teacher, mr. friggin chestnut, a TEACHER!!!! YOUR SUPOSE TO TEACH NOT GIVE US TAKE HOME TESTS ON THINGS WE'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD ABOUT!! i hope you get fired. oh but your so stressed out because you got two jobs a wife a kid and you cant even afford to feed your friggin fish. what a hard life. asshole. he probuly spends it all on achol. would explain why he's all tipies some days and hung over the next. for the sake of if a teacher should even find this i do not know if mr. chestnut drinks, nor do i care. everything written in here is 50% my opion and 50% anger. i hate it when i do bad in school becasue then i just dont feel like doign well again. i hate it. IT FRIGGIN SUCKS ASS! i find it funny that when i actually know what im doing i sitll bomb things. like today i actaully knew all my vocab words and such and sofia told me i didnt need to read/text mark the packet thingy becasue we are going to do it in class and it just so happens that the last two question that where worth 10 points where from the article that we had to read. oh joy. oh rapture. fuck this. i mean it;s my own fault that im not doing well in latin because uh im too lazy to study the vocab. even when i do study the vocab i blank out and got a 70 on the quiz. got a 59 or 58 on the other one. got a 77 or 79 on a test. i hope i did well on the test today. i acually knew almost all of the word. holy hell no way? i cant wait for summer to come. im going to miss some asspects of the school year though. like all my friends that i dont see out of school. like people in lunch. lunch people are cool. im no longer in my happy go lucky mood. people piss me off really badly. i dont know why but they really are starting to.

oh the emoness... fuck that.
i need angry music.
i feel like rebelling against everything pretty much.
im such a rebel... rogl that makes me laugh



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my day [11 May 2005|08:54pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | Memento--- The Black Maria ]

ok so i dont thinjk that i updated yet today. i apologize if i did. okay so today started off with me being sick once again. fun right? right. so then in the morning it was the normal same old same old. then during latin they'r elike "stay in your 1st period class" which for me was latin. so it ended up being a drug raid with doggies and everything. they where cute :). so we where in latin for 2 periods untill they where done in the school and went outside to the cars. lol. we watched hercules. woot woot. the rest of the day was uh boring. wayne got caught along with 14 other people i think. not sure. so yea. dont remebr much. not an interesting day. w/e. ok buh byes.

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Latin word Mel translation Honey [09 May 2005|10:02pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | helena--MCR ]

awww my name means honey in latin. i think in greek it means honey bee. whatever. awww im honey :). lol. ok so today besides being sick and stuff was a pretty good day. got to watch phantom in choir. people pissed me off after school. oooo real mature lets point and do the annoying han han han laugh. right whatever. i'll be the one laughing when your all kicked up and such. hehehe im not a violent person... i swear. rogl.

i dont know but the whole not caring thing has actually made me happy and able to care about the serious stuff in life and not stupid angry, depressing stuff. its great. i love it.

things are better if i stay...

i feel fine
looks like im alone again
but im alright
knock me on my ass again
but i dont mind
cause i feel fine

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Hide your face so the world will never find you [07 May 2005|12:23pm]
[ mood | calm ]

this entire not caring thing has been working pretty good. i've decided its better for me not to care about the things that people do becasue no matter what i say or do they're never going to stop being stupid. obviosuly they dont care about me so why should i care about them?

yesterday was diffently one of those days i'd rather forget about. lets jsut say that im very disapointed in two people. one more then the other. i cant believe he would do something like that...

these people suposeably "loved" me. whatever. if they loved me they wouldnt have done crap like that. i dont care though. you cant love when your only so young. well you can. but this aint love. sorry guys.

going to eat lunch now.

have a crappy day.

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so lately, been wondering... [02 May 2005|06:38am]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | blah ]

um last couple days havn't done much but have mental break downs one after in fights with people blah blah blah blah did some things i shouldn't have done blah blah blah... you know normal everyday probluems. deicided some things last night. think i might have made people upset again but im sorry if i just cant "feel" anything anymore. im not a strong person. im just not. no one understands that. oh well.

Lets not argue
Please pretend
You will understand in time

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hahah fun day [28 Apr 2005|05:16pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

dude there was barely anyone in school today. it was kinda funny because alll the people that i really cant stand wheren't there so i was all like YAY!!! hahah. it was great. AND i did not run into one person in the hallways. it was so quite and peaceful. i loved it. i think im going to look forward to this day every year from now on. ahhh it was good. i really didn't want to go home. but unfortunatly 2:18 rolled around and i was forced to go to my locker, stand at whispers for like 30 seconds, go to the band room, stay in there for like a minute, leave, take liz home, pikc up theresa, and then finally go home. twas annoying. i cant stand being home. i get bored and then take naps. after my nap i dont feel like doing anything. i need to work on my paper. but i dont feel like it. oh well.

i really wanted to do something today but i guess not. i really hate it when people ditch me for stupid reason. oh well. people are just petty and retarded. i dont care. this happens every year. i should have known by now that it would happen this year. whatever. i'll just get new people to hang around with.

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take your child to work day! woot [28 Apr 2005|06:39am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | did you get a card from aunt karen at all?? (?) ]

YES an entire day without crowded hallways and annoying people. this shall be a good day. i feel like doign somehting today. doubt that i will though but OH WELL!!! maybe i'll drag victoria over here and we can be our idiotic selves. who knows.

i need to go to the mall tommorrow to get a shirt for choir
anyone want to come along???
GIVE ME A CALL!!!!!!!!!

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Its over now [27 Apr 2005|06:31am]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | :'( ]

wow i hate this... i really do. its all my fault. other people are blaming themselves but really... its my own fault. i cant believe this is all happening. i guess its for the better. just gotta see the light at the end of the tunnel right? right.

some of the things he said though hurt sooooo friggin bad. ugh. someone please just make this stop.


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yes yet another mindless entry while i wast my life away at the library [26 Apr 2005|04:56pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | nothing ]

ok so now im on a different computer. tis a better keyboard but now i cant type becasue im tires and i dont feel well. i can see the stupid desktop through this screen. tis wierd stuff. so today in english mrs. handley was talkign about how we are making online journals for the next book we are reading. i being the person that i am asked her if we could make it pretty and stuff with html codes. unfortunatly i dont know the program we are using therefore i dont know if we can. that would be cool though. lalalala. ok so Vic can see my computer screen therefore i must end this entry now becasue4 i dont like him being able to see this. well i dont really think it matters becaseu hes not looking anymore

ok so i dont feel well and people are pissing me off.

can not say why but i just cant take it anymore. i dont get why everything has to be like this. it makes me want to hurt someone soooooooooo bad ahhhh

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library... fun [26 Apr 2005|03:23pm]
im tired... i didn't get to take my nap today. roar. kindacrancky. keyboards pissing me off. my heart hurts and img etting dizzy. dont know why but it really kills. ouch. ok i need to go take a breather or something. it kills.
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im a very controlling person [24 Apr 2005|09:13pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | I DOn't Know-- Lostprophets ]

i jsut noticed that. maybe not controlling but i dont let people telling me to do things. i like doing things MY way not other peoples ways. i was trying to do my english outline and i was like yea i could write a better outline in my head. its the stuff i already do except when i do it it makes more sense.

yes a little mindless rant

tommorrow is ::dun dun dun:: S TESTS!!! wtf is a s test? i know they'r elike terra novas but s test? wierd. whateer. people aren't picking up there phones. i've become obbessed with the phone again. i love talking to people on it now. i like cant live without it. woot woot.

i found my lostprophets cd today which rocks because i missed it :(.

beth left :(

school tommorrow :(

schools almost over :-/

happy thing....? :-D

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what? [23 Apr 2005|09:24pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Vic talking ]

ok so a quick overview of life since thrusday

Friday-- School was school. nothing special. then i went to the mall with beth and kelly. it was fun. then we met up with Vic and hung out with him. it was fun. then we went to cresant moon and got really good latees. saw sam and her new boyfriend. then came home and i sprayed my hair blue. it looked awsome. then we turned the strobe light on and bounce around. then we turned on some music and just kinda sat there and listened to it. then we turned on finding neverland and then went to bed.

Today- Nothing.

interesting? yes i know.



bye :-D

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