Beth Alyssa's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Beth Alyssa [ website | DeviantArt ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Favorites [22 Apr 2004|09:23pm] [ mood | crazy ] I had an urge to give you some of my favorite things. So, here you are, in no particular order: MXC - I don't know what it stands for but there is something so absolutely hilarious about a bunch of scrawny japanese in off the wall costumes competing in the oddest competition. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you do. Jeff Corwin - Because he is physically fit and handsome, intellegent, and does italian mob voice overs for crabs with overcompensatingly huge pinchers. Country Bars - How could you not be swept away by the fun loving energy? US Troops - Not because my husband is among the service. These men, no matter what their reasons for serving are out there for us. Whether we agree with it or not. They're told to go and they don't ask questions. You have to admire their courage and strength. And whenever I hear about another one coming home to his family, it is the best feeling. . . Porn - um. . . yeah. Really, you'd be lieing if you didn't like it. Short Skirts - hot damn! And I look GOOD! Gordo from Lizzy McGuire - ah. . . the voice of reason as a cute little dorky kid. I ♥ him Recess - The show that takes the average kid, the genius girl, the pale scared boy in glasses, the tough chick, a fat sensitive guy and a total jock: makes them best friends and makes it work. Bad Ass Punks - don't know why, but usually, they make me swoon. Jonny Depp - I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway. Ratty hair, crooked teeth, caked on dirt and sweat and eyeliner. . . and I still wanted to fuck him. Books - And escape from life, no matter how you live it, is always welcome. Whether it is to calm you down or pump you up. . . it's out there. Flirtations - Makes me feel like I have the upperhand. . . which I do, of course. And there you have. My urge for the day out there for all of you to enjoy. So enjoy, damnit! prove your existence

news [22 Apr 2004|05:41pm] [ mood | blank ] so, i got a live journal. no, i am staying here. but i like to read and live vicariously. if you're over there, you can add me. i'm under "hatsnsocks". but, i probably won't post over there, i just want to read and comment. ok, that's all. prove your existence

If you've got a thing for poetry [21 Apr 2004|08:46pm] [ mood | awed ] I personally, love poetry. But mostly from "amateurs." Yes, I've read some of most of the greats, but nothing compares to what is said by your peers. And truthfully, I got sick of pulling and tearing and exploiting the work of the "greats." Poetry should never be deconstructed. It should just be and exist peacefully with all of it's intended emotion distinguished boldly. It is murder, what they teach us. Anyway. My point is. . . this guy is great: http://hippified320.deviantart.com/ If your bored and like a good read, go there and check out some of the work in his gallery. I'm sure you'll find something interesting. 1 trapped soul| prove your existence

I'm going to cry [20 Apr 2004|09:13pm] [ mood | drained ] But I'm in a pretty good mood. I miss Jon, am avoiding a cigarrette and am really tired. But I know once I get into bed I'm going to cry for a good minute or so and that will be enough. Then I'll pick up my book/journal and go on as if I had never been crying at all. It's just that kind of night. And it smells wonderful outside. Fresh and new and wet. prove your existence

[20 Apr 2004|01:47pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | Jane's Addiction - I'm not an addict ] I think the thing that makes music great is that it makes you feel. My favorite songs make me want to be there. Be them. Whether it's a good situation or not. I feel sympathy or empathy and it is just an overpowering feeling. One that makes you want to get up and scream the lyrics. And then I realize how totally untalented I am. . . but go on singing, because that's what good music does. 2 trapped souls| prove your existence

Another Topic [19 Apr 2004|10:44pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | Pink - Family Portrait ] This is not a direct attack or counterattack or defense. It's been on my mind a while and this is where I spill. Spillage: Just because I choose not to believe does not make me immoral. It does not make me evil. It does not make me hopeless or any less than you. I do not need to believe. And that's the way I am. It is something I have come to accept and embrace. Something that has made me more complete than I have been before. I'm not saying the scientists are wrong, I'm not saying the religions are wrong. I am saying that I choose life. I choose to live and accept that life IS. And I am comfortable with that. Do not pity me. I am not lost. I am here and I am living. prove your existence

The Swan [19 Apr 2004|10:05pm] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | Fionna Apple - Criminal ] I don't know why I watch it, it just pisses me off. I can't imagine being 9, 10, 11 years old and thinking, "so that's how you become beautiful." What is with all of these plastic surgery shows. Are we really that. . . that. . . I don't even have a word for me. It is DISGUSTING! And then, to make it worse, after we cut away everything about a person to make them asthetically pleasing. . . we'll throw them in a beauty contest to be prodded and poked and told their not good enough. Whose dumb idea was that. . . they need to be shot. (and not with botox.) Also watched What Not To Wear on TLC. I like that because it's pretty much no bullshit. Yes, you have big hips and an ass the size of an elephant. . . but look at all the stuff you look GREAT in. That's positive changes. But I hate that neither of the hosts like people with tatoos and try to get everyone to wear pink. I feel that we lose a lot of individuality with what they want people to wear. But the gal today was super cute and got some really good outfits that were still unique. And I don't like that they always chop off everyone's hair. Long hair is cool, too. The host and the makeup artist both have gorgeous hair and it's BELOW the freakin' shoulders. How am I going to teach my daughters about what beauty really is. . . show them self confidence and acceptance. . . determination? How do you tell an impressable child. . . this is not the way to go when they make it look so easy. A little money, a little pain and WOW. . . guys will be drooling and you can pose for Playboy? GROSS. prove your existence

. . . women . . . [18 Apr 2004|07:09pm] [ mood | disappointed ] Today was my first wives' meeting. It was not what I was expecting. There seemed to be very little organization and information. It was basically, "blah blah blah. . . ok, let's eat." No one was particularly friendly. I thought more people would go out of their way to introduce themselves to a newcomer, but only two people introduced themselves. The first, sat next to me in the beginning and is also from the Portland area, so that was pretty cool, but I was a little anxious and uncomfortable so I don't think I was as friendly as I could have been. The second was an older woman who was very nice and introduced herself while she and I stacked chairs. She seemed really friendly. I introduced myself to a few people, but not many. It is very intimidating to approach people who already know each other and know each others husbands. But, it wasn't too bad I guess. Just boring. I did get to sign a banner for the 1/2 way night for the guys. I also got to do a little shpeel on a video camera for Jon. 2 minutes. But I didn't do very well, cuz I started crying and didn't know what to say. Basically that I loved him and missed him and am glad that I married him. I hope he can hear me in it because I was probably talking quietly. I didn't have to, I was in a room all by myself. But I felt a little silly. I am really camera shy, but I had to do it for him. Guess that's all I have to say. I seem to be doing pretty good. I'm not too excited about my 9 hour shift at work tomorrow, though. . . but today went ok, so maybe tomorrow will look up to. I at least have to think it is, otherwise, I just might not go. They seem to be fixing a lot of the routes, but we still have some very irate customer on the routes I think of as fucked. Can't say that at work, but it seems to be that way. Where was everyone this weekend, anyway. . . usually weekends are big posting days. prove your existence

Yipee! [17 Apr 2004|05:22pm] Got another letter from Jon today. They make me feel so much better. But I wish he would come home. Going out to dinner with Nick and Kelly and then to see a movie, so I must go put some shoes on. prove your existence

Finally [16 Apr 2004|10:41pm] [ mood | better ] Today I got two letters from Jon. I guess they are making him work in the kitchen for some reason. He seems to be doing ok. Misses, me of course. . . but ok. He works some long hours and sleeps on a little tiny bed. I feel so sorry for him. I wish I could hug him and kiss him. But he said some really sweet things and I'm glad I finally got something from him. I'm not sure how much of my stuff he's gotten, but he did get the Easter Jelly Bellys I sent to him. I think I should get more letters next weekend. I hope so. The funny part is that the postmark says, "Greetings, from FAR FAR AWAY." I thought that was pretty funny. You might have to be in my shoes to find that humorous. And he wants me to send him a Guinness. (Beer). I'm glad he still has his sense of humor. I miss him so much. prove your existence

my wish [15 Apr 2004|09:33pm] [ mood | frustrated ] I want to curl into a tiny ball of inexistence and die away until summer. prove your existence

i'm so FUCKING pissed! [15 Apr 2004|08:34pm] [ mood | crushed ] So, Bob, at work quit with no notice. I probably won't get my usual tues/wed weekend which means I probably won't be going down to portland anytime soon. I don't blame him for quitting but what jack off quits with NO notice. His job wasn't that bad and he left the rest of us to clean up after him. But what really gets me is that I came home to three messages on the machine. All from Jon. All wondering where I am and how fucking wonderful it is that I'm not home. I threw the phone against the wall, broke it. Luckily, I didn't throw it at the window. I knew it was going to happen. That I'd miss it and have to come home to. "Beth, beth? Are you there? Thanks, God. I love you, I'll see you. . . in a while." So, I did what any girl would do. Ordered pizza and the Cinnasticks. But I still feel like shit and I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting. What kind of cruel joke is this anyway? Oh yeah, the United States Navy. 1 trapped soul| prove your existence

i feel beautiful [13 Apr 2004|07:15pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | jamiroquai - virtual insanity ] i feel beautiful in an ironic sad sort of way. the beauty of those girls in the music videos dressed in black, mascara streaming down there cheeks. i feel beautiful in the i want to break everything i see kind of way. i feel beautiful in this trapped and dieing to fly sort of way. at least i feel beautiful, in my sad little way. i don't know what i want of myself. why i don't try to be better for myself. why i don't go after my dreams, do what i want to do. this is the first time i haven't runaway from myself. or have i just escaped in another way, because obviously i have done nothing productive. i had a cigarrette. it beats taking more motrin. . . there's not many and i know tomorrow's going to be harder. the next day even worse. and no, motrin isn't the best answer. . . alcohol and motrin would be better. . . but i know better than to go there. the reason i never took risks in high school. . . or any other time before or after was/is because i'm afraid of being an addict. i'm afraid i'll like the immediate consequences. . . do too much and not be able to avoid the worse consequences. i think i was supposed to be a rock star. . . born a couple decades too late and with no musical talent. i want to be famous and have people pity my bad mistakes. i just don't live that way, though. i was born with too much logic. too much worry. too much of everything that keeps people from making stupid mistakes. so much, that i can't risk anything out of my ordinary lonely self. no friends, no commitments. and i'm not happy this way. with jon around, he forces me to push that all down. have another drink, drive too fast, run across the major busy roads without looking both ways. and that's what i love. he makes me fun. . . happy. i wish i just had something from him. . . a way to know he's ok. . . but i haven't gotten anything. i'm going crazy. prove your existence

i hate this [11 Apr 2004|09:06pm] [ mood | crappy ] i hate living alone. i hate being in this empty home. today i had to work. it sucked, but for a sunday, it wasn't so bad. maybe everyone was tolerant because it was easter. or maybe they thought we wouldn't be working. then i paid $16.95 for an easter brunch buffet. the eggs were wet, the meat dry, the potatoes absolutely flavorless. it was not worth the money. came home and laid naked on my porch but it was super hot and i started to sweat. so i came inside. watched a little bit of animal cops but it was one i've seen before. played on the computer. called kelly and nick and went over there around 5. met nick's mom and sat around the table talking. i was thinking about going to seattle with them tuesday, but now i think i'm going to go to portland. i don't think i can stay up here by myself for two full days. but i don't want to leave tomorrow because there is a slight chance jon might call (and i'm going to be SO pissed if he calls while i'm at work). and i think i need to come back up on wed. but i don't want to get stuck in a rush hour so i'd have to leave around twelve. so what's the point of going down? maybe next weekend then. (my weekend). i wish they were only 2 hours away. 3 1/2 is a bit much to take a day trip. especially to someone who cannot see, especially at night. have i said that i miss jon? have i totally annoyed you with how much i miss him? too bad. because i feel like my world is tumbling down around me without him. i feel like i'm losing all purpose, all meaning, all reason for doing anything. if he's not here, what's the point. i don't want to be better for myself. i want to be better for him. i hate saying that because it makes it sound like i don't have self confidence or worth without him. but the fact is that i don't want those things without him. i'm not meant to exist without him. 2 trapped souls| prove your existence

I hate it when people don't leave a message. [10 Apr 2004|06:46pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | what do i have to do - stabbing westward ] Now that I'm lonely, I screen my calls. I don't want to talk to the people that bring me down right now. But I wish they'd leave a freaking message. "Hey, it's me. Just calling to say hi/see how you are/cuz I miss you." The potential for one of these callers to be Jon is minimal. I think that he would leave a message, or try and call right back. But the likeliness that he actually gets a phone call is less than can be expected. And that's a positive outlook. I'm dieing for him. I miss his presence. I hate my empty dirtying house. When he gets home, I plan to lay naked in bed for five days with him. Whether it's anything sexual or not. I miss the warmth, the weight, the comfort, the vulnerability, the safety, the company. Everything. I miss everything. This is not life without him. And I know I sound obsessive. It's only because I am. I am addicted to Jonathan. Anyway. . . let me tell you about my day. It'll be more interesting than listening to me whine about Jon. I got up and got the oil changed in my car at Jiffy Lube. Exciting, I know. The car ahead of me had a gas leak and I got so naseaus waiting for the work on my car to finish. I like the smell of gas. . . but not that strongly and not when I am subjected to it for nearly 30 minutes. Then I hit up the bank. We finally got 3 out of 4 of the cash rebates in the mail for our computer. However all three are in Jon's name and cannot be endorsed by a third party. Well, me, being a moron, remembered to bring the checks, but not the Power of Attorney that would get my ass around non-third-party-bullshit. So, they'll have to wait for another day. And finally, drove my ass over to one of the offices of Washington's Department of Licensing. Took a number, scanned the driver's manual. Got called up to begin my test. They checked my eyes first, and I FAILED. Crappy, huh. I thought it was funny earlier. But now it makes me a little nervous. I could not see anything they showed me. It was like the letters were dodging just from my range of vision. They took my $10 anyway and allowed me to take the written test. Within the first 5 questions I had missed 3 (And you can only miss 5 total) so I decided I better slow down and think about them rationally. Didn't miss any after that. So, I passed. My $10 and passing grade is good for 90 days, so I have to go have this paperwork filled out my an optometrist before my license can be issued. Looks like I'll be in glasses soon. Damn, I'm gonna be one sexy bitch. Jon's gonna come home to a revised me. So, I'm kinda scared of the optometrist. I don't like anybody touching my eyes, including myself. And I have to find out if I can drive myself home afterwards, b/c don't they dilate your eyes for some weird test or something? Then I came home. Chatted with Cate and Henning on line. That was pretty cool. While online, a bird hit my window. A tiny little finch or something. I think it was ok, though cuz it's not out on the ground or anything. Must have just stupified it for a minute. I sat outside in the sun with no shirt or bra. My porch is on the second level and above everyone else's in the neighborhood. (They all live downhill.) I was thinking, I should bring out a pad and blanket and lay totally nude in the sun. That would be fun. Then I came inside, watched some tv. Wrote a 3 page letter to Jon. Drew on my boobs. Yup, drew on my boobs. Looks pretty cool. But it is really hard to draw upside down. Makes it look unlike your own. And now, here I am. 1 trapped soul| prove your existence

lol [09 Apr 2004|09:32pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | All For One - I Swear ] if you're related to me ( click at your own risk ) I'm making Jon a CD. Songs that remind me of him. So, we've got: 1. I've Had the Time of My Life - Bill Medley/Jennifer Warnes 2. I Swear - All For One 3. Piano Man - Billy Joel 4. I Miss You (Acoustic) - Incubus 5. The Good Life - Weezer 6. My Girl - Otis Redding 7. When Can I See You Again - Babyface 8. You Are So Beautiful - Joe Cocker 9. I Alone - Live 10. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd 11. Peaches N Cream - 112 12. Pink Triangle - Weezer 13. Just Died in Your Arms Tonight - Journey 14. When A Man Loves A Woman - Otis Redding 15. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred 16. Kiss You All Over - Exile 17. Footloose - Kenny Loggins 18. Closer - NIN Odd Mix, yes, but I think it works. I miss him. Lots. prove your existence

stolen from thefaded. [08 Apr 2004|08:01pm] 1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 2. Am I lovable? 3. How long have you known me? 4. When and how did we first meet? 5. What was your first impression? 6. Do you still think that way about me now? 7. What do you think my weakness is? 8. Do you think I'll get married? 9. What makes me happy? 10. What makes me sad? 11. What reminds you of me? 12. If you could give me anything what would it be? 13. How well do you know me? 14. When's the last time you saw me? 15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 16. Do you think I could kill someone? 17. Describe me in one word. 18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? 20. Would you ever want to kiss me? 21. Have you ever wanted to ask me out? 22. Are you going to put this on your LJ and see what I say about you? 3 trapped souls| prove your existence

lonesomeness [07 Apr 2004|10:25pm] [ mood | cold ] I broke down last night. And I can feel myself tearing apart at the sewn seams again. It feels numbing and cold. The feeling I get at the dentist or before a PAP. Uncomfortable. My throat is tightening and I guarentee I'll be in tears before this post is through. I've watched TV for too long today. Hours. How sad. I hate the TV. I wish I didn't have one. Then I'd be forced to find something productive to occupy my time with. I want sex. Why is it when I'm away from Jon or on the rag that I get uncontrollably horny. It's a cruel joke. So, yes, last night. Met some other wives. They seemed pretty cool. But I'm pretty wary of Navy wives. Most are lazy, most talk shit about their husbands. Most see marriage as a chore. I'm not like them. But these girls (women) seemed pretty cool. One is young and has no kids, though they've been trying. But they're not one of those couples that got married because of a child. (Sorry, I don't mean that to sound badly, it's just something I've come to expect in this situation.) The other has been married for 10 years (this june), so I give her props for that. I have had 3 cigarrettes since Jon's departure. They feel nice and warm and right. But last night after I came home, I started cleaning a little. (my house is a disaster.) I found Jon's leather jacket, hung it on the hook and just leaned into it. Like I would lay into him at a bar when I've lost balance, or am bored or tired. And it's emptiness was stunning. I started bawling. Crawled into a blanket onto the couch and felt so stupid crying by myself. Crying, when I'm by myself seems useless. It just makes me feel worse. My throat hurts, my eyes feel slimy, and I feel weak. I hate it. Crying is the worst. I'd much prefer to break stuff. I have to take a bath. My hands smell like old food and it's grossing me out. I think I'll cry and sink and go to bed and wait for tomorrow. I've almost made it through my third day alone. 2 trapped souls| prove your existence

crying [05 Apr 2004|04:30am] [ mood | terrible ] i'll be alone for a while. ps. happy 18th birthday, dustin! welcome to all the glory's of adulthood, oh, except the consumption of alcohol and entry into some porn stores. so, i guess it's like adulthood with training wheels. prove your existence

just insert your own clever title here, bitch. [01 Apr 2004|09:36pm] [ mood | drained ] cheerful, huh? poor jon has to report to his boat at 2am. he has the weekend, off though. phew. we're going down to portland sat. may leave tomorrow night, we'll see when he gets off. just to see justin before jon leaves. dusting i'll be down there probably on the 12th. sorry i can't make it down earlier for your birthday. but i promise to give you a big gigantic hug. i'm depressed and bored. . . a little sleepy. i think i'm going to go to bed. p.s. i posted some new poems on deviant art if anyone is really bored. there's a link on my actual page. they're not the greatest, but they are honest. g'night moon. prove your existence

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