Beth Alyssa's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Beth Alyssa

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It's been a while and I don't think I'll be back [30 Oct 2004|09:54pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

Hi all.

I can't believe how long it's been since the last visit to Blurty. Jon's been home and life has been easier to deal with because I spend all of my time and energy with him, for him. . .

But a lot of shit has been going down with my family that I'm not to proud of and feel totaly helpless in all matters. I feel I should take some sort of action. . . and then I think, no, I have my own life to live. I cannot make all the sacrifices. That's what parents are for.

But my parents seem to be falling short of their duties for no cause but of their own weak wills.

I don't right this for pity or advice. . . I just need to let this go. And I don't let go of things nicely.

To all of my friends that I've met here - I thank you. You will never know how much your kind words meant and helped me or entertained me. And, in some cases, hurt me. (None of which was intended, I know).

But there are too many personal issues that I need to deal with on my own.

There is one personal note I'd like to leave.

Dustin - I love you. Never forget that. And I am so very proud of you. You represent a lot of what I wish I could be. Faithful. I am thankful that you have so much goodness in your heart and soul. You are the reason I question my own stubborn beliefs. Please never compromise your faith for anyone or anything. It will give you wings.

♥ b.

[03 Sep 2004|03:27pm]

Sorry it's been a while. Been busy.

Jon's family was up for a week, then I almost worked a lot, but got out of it. rested on my day off. . . my mom, bro and sibs came to town. . . rested on my day off and been working ever since.

last night we went to a game night and one of the guys came a few hours late because he had to work, but the minute he walks in the door he starts raving about how wonderful Bush's speech was and how it was all layed out with a plan and Kerry just said. . . these are my goals but made no effort to explain how he would attain them . . . and then a number of the guests (mind you - they are all white males in the military) started saying how much better Bush compared to Kerry.

I sat there and cringed. I did not hear either speech, but I can guarentee you neither wrote their own. Nor are they actually going to attain even half of their goals in the next term . . no matter who gets elected.

They NEVER do. Every candidate tells the public what they want to hear with regard to their own personal beliefs. And it's all written up nice and neat by someone whose expertise is giving the public what they want to hear.

Wait - I'm getting sidetracked in my rant.

So, Jon starts in (pro-Kerry) and EVERYONE jumps on him about it.

So I told everyone, "This is NOT how I want to spend my evening."

I got asked, "Isn't this important to talk about. . .?"

To which I said, "nope." Everyone here has obviously made up their minds who they are voting for. And none of us have the research or education into either candidate to convince the other side that they are ignorant fools. Therefore, all were going to do is get everyone riled up. I would rather have fun."

And everyone shut up about it and it was cool because I was right.

I don't have the resources to convince anyone who is planning to vote for Bush to vote for Kerry.

And no one can convince me that Bush is anything but a spoiled little brat who is playing the fool in a wonderful show of puppetry. Every truth about him is shaded and I do not TRUST the man. I don't think he would give a damn about me. Everything wrong with the modern Republican Party, I see in Bush.

Kerry, on the other hand, I relate too.

And no one can change that. I can't wait for the debates because that is the only chance you have to see the truth come out. Emotion and tongue tideness, nervousness, on the spot answers (although many are pre screened and written for them, they can't just read off a monitor). Let's see Bush dodge the questions, give hazy answers that no one is quite sure what his response was and lie to me again.

Ok - this rant went on much longer than I had planned. But man does it bother me when these service guys vote for Bush because they give them raises and don't see him chopping away at family benefits and long term support for each member.

Now I must take my nap.

Sorry I didn't get around to catching up on journals. Read a couple but not as many as I should. Started falling asleep reading - not that your posts are boring - but the sole movement of my eyes across the screen is not enough to keep me conscious.

until later
2 trapped souls| prove your existence

Good Morning [23 Aug 2004|09:19am]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Jane's Addiction - Got Caught Stealing ]

Today I finally have a day off. Thank God for that. It's just too bad I have to go to work tomorrow.

So, I found some another wife that is actually pretty cool. We went over to her and her husband's house last night and had a nice dinner and played cards and it was all sorts of fun.

First we played "The Great Dalmudi" which is very similar to Asshole but with cooler cards.

Then we played this game called "Once Upon A Time." That game was pretty entertaining. Everyone around the table gets 5 different cards that either have a character or event or place or aspect or item. And there are hundreds of cards so there is all sorts of crap. Then you get a story card, which is the last line of your story. Mine was "So the village was restored and prosperous once again." (or something like that).

So somebody starts off telling a story using only one of their cards per sentence. . . then other people can take control of their story if they have an interrupt card or the story teller says a word (or similar word) to one of their cards.

And the goal is to veer the story to your ending. . . but everyone had different endings and it gets all crazy like.

So, it was me and Jon and 3 other couples. . . turned out to be a really great night and we're going to do the same on Thursday. When my mom and brother and sis are here.

I can't figure out what to do for dinner. Maybe enchiladas?

3 trapped souls| prove your existence

update a rooni [20 Aug 2004|06:03pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

i feel like i should be updating this with what i've been doing. . . but i've been working.

tomorrow will be my 6th day in a row. . . Sunday will be my 7th. . . and then i get a day off.

and i work part-time

such bullshit.

anyway. . . i'm thinking about calling the financial broker. i don't know if i wrote in here that he had off-handedly offered me a job or not. . . but he did. so i have to see if there's a real offer out there. many people in my department are trying to find other jobs. . . mostly because our manager can't write a schedule to save her ass.

yeah, this is as close as you're going to get to an update, i guess.

1 trapped soul| prove your existence

mmm. . . mmm. . . good [16 Aug 2004|01:31pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

ok, i'm off to safeway to pick up some lunch. i hope they have that yummy bagel sandwich with sprouts, but i haven't ever seen it since the one and only time i've bought it. . .

maybe i'll have jo-jo's (potato wedges - for those of you who don't know the COOL terminology.) and ranch dip.

oh, wait. . . funny story first. so i thought i'd be all cool and try my hand at skate boarding in our garage, but i lost control and landed on my left thigh and now i have a huge ugly bruise.

one day. . .

and i dyed my hair. twas fun.

prove your existence

Strange Moods [11 Aug 2004|10:43pm]
[ mood | good ]

I'm in a good artsy mood. Feel like smoking a cigarette (which i plan to take care of as soon as i finish).

Hope everyone is doing better. People seem to be in an off mood. Including those in my non e-life: Jon and his family.

I miss my family a lot. I wish they were here instead. Jon's family is weird. Nice but weird.

Haven't heard from much of my family as way of a congratulations on the new house. I'm a little disappointed in that. I don't know. I guess I expect too much of them sometimes. But come on - I just bought a freakin' house. A little note that says "Way to go" wouldn't hurt them but 37 cents and a little ink and paper. I don't know - is it too much to expect. . . or is buying a house not a big of a deal as I make it out to be?

ah well.

Submitted some new photos to DeviantArt. Check out my gallery here:

I'm proud of myself.

I wish all of you lived around me. I'd have much more fun. All of my friends on this site have so many good qualities. Why can't I find that in the people around me. I think I come off as hostile in person?

I'd like to know what others think of me, my strengths, my weaknesses. I wonder what my vibe is. I wish I could just step outside myself for a day and see me without prejudice.

Anyway, off to that cigarette. I think I'll meander through my art book as well. Maybe find some inspiration.

Have a lovely night. Look at the stars and imagine how microscopically small you appear to them.

3 trapped souls| prove your existence

One of the best songs ever [08 Aug 2004|09:32pm]
Artist: The Charlie Daniels Band Lyrics
Song: The Devil Went Down to Georgia Lyrics

The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for a soul to steal
He was in a bind
'Cause he was way behind
And he was willin' to make a deal

When he came across this young man
Sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot
And the devil jumped
Up on a hickory stump
And said boy let me tell you what

I guess you didn't know it
but I'm a fiddle player too
And if you care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you

Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy
But give the devil his due
I'll bet a fiddle of gold
Against your soul
'Cause I think I'm better than you

The boy said my name's Johnny
And it might be a sin
But I'll take your bet
And you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been

Johnny rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard
Cause hell's broke loose in Georgia and the devil deals the cards
And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold
But if you lose the devil gets your soul.

The devil opened up his case
And he said I'll start this show
And fire flew from his fingertips
As he rosined up his bow

Then he pulled the bow across the strings
And it made a [sic] evil hiss
And a band of demons joined in
And it sounded something like this


When the devil finished
Johnny said well you're pretty good old son
but sit right in that chair right there
And let me show you how it's done

Fire on the Mountain
Run boys, run
The devil's in the House of the Rising Sun
Chicken in a bread pan picken' out dough
Granny does your dog bite
No child, no


The devil bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
And he laid that golden fiddle
On the ground at Johnny's feet

Johnny said, Devil just come on back
If you ever wanna try again
cuz I told you once you son of a gun
I'm the best there's ever been

And he played Fire on the Mountain
Run boys, run
The devil's in the House of the Rising Sun
Chicken in a bread pan picken' out dough
Granny will your dog bite
No child, no

[Instrumental to end]
prove your existence

Congratulations to me [08 Aug 2004|09:12am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I am a home owner! I am a gabillion dollars in debt (ok, maybe it's not that much) and it is so wonderful.

We moved in 10 days ago and already it feels like home. We have painted the three bedrooms and this week we will take on the living rooom/dining room/hall.

The kitchen will just have to wait. I'd love to put pictures up for y'all but I just can't figure that part out. I'll get them on devart eventually and supply you with links.

Anyway, in-laws fly in today. Better finish cleaning.

Talk to you all soon. Hope you are all doing well.

4 trapped souls| prove your existence

too bored to think [25 Jul 2004|08:02pm]

so i feel like being artistic but can't think of anything to say or draw or do. i want to travel and get some real inspiration. around the world, around the country. i'm just sick of the people i live around. the west sound is so boring. there are a few teenagers who are a little punkified, a little rebelious in the afternoon, but not many. i assume they wait to come out at night.

everyone else is pretty commercial. boring.

so, we move into our house this week. we may be getting the keys as early as Tuesday! Crazy huh? Jon is super stressed out and really pissing me off. he thinks that moving is going to be hard and that we're stretching our budget and he got mad at me for taking my cousin, Jessica, out to lunch. . . but it was ok for him to eat at McDonalds. . . and he doesn't even have to really work for a while because the boat is gone with the other crew. so every tues and thurs he has to go to the OCAB building and check in and he doesn't even have to be in uniform. they just want to know that he's around incase hell break loose or something.

and next week i work 5:30 am to 11:30 am. . . then go back to 4-7. So, I get an extra hour and a half off each day. thank god. but bev's not working with me tomorrow morning and that bums me out. i really like Bev and we make a good team. she's been at the Sun for 25+ years and has even been customer service manager before so she knows all the ins and outs.

and we are highly competitive with each other. but i'm still in the lead for the grill. everytime we get a donation or sell a vacation pack we wave it in each others faces. it's all good fun and our sales have sky rocketed because of it.

but she got called for jury duty and so has to attend jury selection tomorrow. i hope she doesn't have to be on a jury. my days are going to be 10 times worse without her. nobody else is as fun at 5:30 am!

anyway. i bet y'all are having the time of your life reading this post.

places i want to go: China, Kenya, France, Spain, Chile, Belize (again), Mexico (west coast), Somewhere in Australia - but that place is pretty big so I'm not sure where exactly, India, Victoria (which might happen in two weeks), Egypt.

and eventually, i think i want to live somewhere other than here. if everything works out well, once jon's service is up, we may be living in the Dominican Republic for a while. . . if everything doesn't quite work out. . . we'll probably build a house in the middle of Minnesota and get some country life in my bones.

i'll get me a cowboy hat and a truck named Bertha.

and Ashlee Simpson drives me nuts. i'm so sick of the previews of her show on mtv showing her whining, "poor me, poor me." and i really don't think she'd have a record deal if it weren't for her sister being so talented. i think she has a better style and overall appearance, but the sound bits i've heard of her singing. . . man. let's hope she never meets simon cowell.
2 trapped souls| prove your existence

hmm. . . wrist blades. . . sweet. [25 Jul 2004|07:59pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Hair:Never stays the same style/colour for long.
Clothes:You dress like a wanna-be magical girl.
Powers:Psychic powers
Special Features:Fangs
Sidekick:The great spirit of (insert character name of choice here), as channeled through whatever item you have onhand at the time.
Attitude:Cold and quiet.
Weapon:Wrist blades
Quiz created with MemeGen!

prove your existence

Growing up [11 Jul 2004|05:49pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I am 22 years and 7 months old. My brother is 20 years old today. My brother is 18 years, 4 months and 6 days old. My sister is 15 years, 6 months and 14 days old.

I am often compared to my peers, especially at work, not for our similarities, but our differences. I have a work ethic, am married, don't stress about the small things. Essentially, people assume that I am older. Essentially, I feel like I am older.

I haven't seen my 20 year old brother in about 6 months. I find it strange how different we are. I stand and fight and struggle to remain constant. And he runs, dreams and does everything in his power to be unconstant. We share no common weaknesses, no common strengths. Except for the fact that we both get through alive. His scars seem to be deep in his flesh. Mine are burnt into my emotions.

I try to see my 18 year old brother as often as I can. But schedules and distance make it hard. We have a lot more in common than is obvious. I think we both hold onto family too tightly. We stand up for what is right in our own quiet ways. Not passively, but not actively either. And we both have faith. True, his is for God and God's Kingdom. . . and mine is for Life. But in the end. . . isn't it all the same?

I try to see my 15 year old sister as often as I can. But she lives with my 18 year old brother. . . and we come across the same problems. Her and I are as different as two girls can be. She is very social, very boy crazy, very flirtatious, and very physical with her love (not sex, you morons. Hugs and hand holds and leans on shoulders and general cuddliness). I am very anti social. I enjoy studying people more than talking to them. I love the attention from guys but never got to the point where I had posters of them on my walls. And I was a tease. I flirted because I could and more in a more sarcastic manner. And I am not physical with my love much. I love to hug - but once is enough for each greeting.

Where was I going with this post? I think it started when I read that Dusty couldn't believe he was an adult. Or rather, was in awe because he was an adult.

I can't believe I am an adult. I cannot believe I am married. Married to a Naval Sailor. I can't believe I earn and survive on my own money (well, Jon and I together). I can't believe we can by a house and do repairs. I can't believe I can go out to dinner and order a long island and just sit and enjoy it. I can't believe I alone am responsible for my own actions; that my actions have real consequences.

When did all of this happen? I don't realize that one day I am going to be 30. That one day I am going to be a mother. That one day I am going to be 50. That one day my children will be realizing, "My god, I am 18." I can't believe that one day I will be 60 and be looking at my grandchildren, reminiscing and telling stories about when my kids were that young. And I can't believe that one day my grandchildren will look at pictures and say, "My, wasn't she pretty back then?"

How strange growing up is. How strange and small and short it is.

I miss my brothers and sister. I miss us being small and carefree and mischievous. I'm thankful that I have them, though. I can't imagine a life without so much fun and sharing.

1 trapped soul| prove your existence

Holy Shit It's Been Awhile [09 Jul 2004|10:01pm]
So, read a bit over the friends page to get all caught up, but sorry, I my mind got a little wandery so I don't remember much after that.

Quick Replies:

Antilapsarian - Car accident, huh? I'm glad I haven't experienced one yet (well, involving another car. . . I have run into stationary objects. . . but very very slowly. . . and mostly curbs.) And I think Edwards is a very strong pick for Kerry. I can't say he's my favorite guy but I'm glad we'll get to see more of him. He seems very passionate. . . which will be a nice change from the current Vice President. . . uh. . . what's his name. . . ;)

BohemianTragedy - Mmm. . . Sushi. . . Some of your posts are so sad, but I didn't climb into the whole history of it. It seems that your posts are picking up on some better days. So I hope everything has worked out for the best. Also, saw your dog had puppies, but what a sad story. I would have been bawling by the end of the night.

TheFaded - Sadly, I know what Al Bhed is. . . I thought to myself, hmm. . . that sounds familiar, and then thought. . . SHIT. . . That's from Final Fantasy. . . I'm a dork. There were a couple of other things in that post that I was going to comment on, but I have no idea what it was.

And although a couple of you suggested watching F911. . . I'm sorry, it will just piss me off. So I'm not seeing it until after this whole era in my life is a memory. No, my husband doesn't see battle or come close to any possible enemy. . . but he's still defending our nation in his own way. And I cannot stand to see any more exploitation of our military in any media. I skip the world section of the paper, I no longer listen to CNN. It is my opinion that they are dieing for no reason. There is no profit in this battle. . . for either side. . . and it brings me nearly to tears to think of the families who have given up such sacrifice. And I already know that Bush is a creepy, arrogant, horrible president. I don't need Michael Moore telling me why I should feel this way. Sorry, not attacking you guys. . . just sick of the topic and had to finally rant.

And that's about all that I have retained to comment on. Sorry if I left you out. Leave a comment and I'll get you next time around.

So, my life's been busy. Jon's been home. . . which has been wonderful. . . except for the days he gets on my nerves. . . but that's married life.

We bought a HOUSE! Closing is the 30th of the Month. I'll be sure to link pictures eventually. Pretty scary that we know owe someone 175k. YIKES!

Still working for the newspaper as CSR, and also taking over a part time sales position for the next 3 weeks. So, I probably still won't be here much. I'll be working 45+ hours a week. Looking forward to the money and commission! at the end of it all. But gotta trudge through the work first.

Read The DaVinci Code. It made me want to see The Louvre and Westminster Abbey. Story was interesting but I can't say I was impressed. The theology and symbology was far more thought provoking

Currently reading, The Life of Pi by Yann Martel. If you can find it, read it. It's one I can hardly put down and full of great quotes. And since I'm not feeling very clever myself, I will just copy the synopsis for you.

"Pi Patel, a God-loving boy and the son of a zookeeper, has a fervent love of stories and practices not only his native Hinduism, but also Christianity and Islam. When Pi is sixteen, his family and their zoo animals emigrate from India to North America aboard a Japaneses cargo ship. Alas, the ship sinks--and Pi finds himself in a lifeboat, his only companions a hyena, an orangutan, a wounded zebra, and a 450-pound Bengal tiger. Soon the tiger has dispatched all but Pi. Can Pi and the tiger find their way to land? Can Pi's fear, knowledge, and cunning keep him alive until they do?"

Alright, so go find it and read it.

And until we meet again,
with love,
3 trapped souls| prove your existence

interesting timing [29 May 2004|12:10pm]
Antilapsarian - you know how we were talking about traveling and you mentioned you wanted to see Petra. . . ? Well, Josie, the gal in the peace corp, just went there.

read a part of her e-mail )

i cannot believe the amazing experiences she's had. and i could not be over there doing what she does. all of her e-mails remind me of the many liberties we have here in america and what can be taken for granted everyday. they also remind me that there is a REAL world out there, totally different from our own.
1 trapped soul| prove your existence

yoinked from ism who yoinked from empyreal [24 May 2004|09:23pm]
If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.
1 trapped soul| prove your existence

tools of the trade. [19 May 2004|05:45pm]
spent last night at my cousin's house in tacoma. woke up and was put to work by her mom.

ok, i volunteered.

she taught me and jessica's two japanese roomates how to make homemade tortillas. something i've been meaning to learn since i was about six. now, i can do it and they are so yummy.

the four of us (aunt bea, mari, alisa and me) made about 100 tortillas! i brought 30 home. dinner for the next 15 days! just kidding.

jessica has made them before she opted out of the whole process. but we made her wash the dishes before she could eat any. kevin (my uncle) video taped the whole thing for grandma.

it was very amusing. very fun, very rewarding.

very yummy!

i can't wait to show off my new talent to jon. he's going to love me even more, now. homemade tortillas and guacamole.
4 trapped souls| prove your existence

if life were perfect [16 May 2004|08:44pm]
[ mood | confused ]

i wish someone would just point me in the right direction and yell, "GO."

life would be a whole lot simpler. scary still, yes, but at least then, i wouldn't feel like i was making mistakes.

my cousin, who is two weeks younger than me, graduated from the University of Puget Sound today with a BS in Biology. next year, she is off to colorado to study immunology.

watching her graduate was . . . weird . . .

if i had done the whole college thing after high school, that could be me. i even looked into attending UPS. why didn't i? why didn't i?

i don't regret the decision. . . i'm just wondering. i was smart. took honors classes and graduated with honors. could have gotten near full rides to any of the state colleges. what was it that told me, "no. . . don't go. . ."?

i know i want to go back to school. i know i do. deep down, that is what i'm meant to do. but why don't i try? i'm not afraid of failing, mainly because i know i won't. i'm not a failure and that's that. yeah, i'm scared. yeah, it's going to be challenging, but i have always thrived on acedemic challenges.

what is holding me back from applying? what is it that is keeping me from even submitting a fafsa? where are these ropes tieing me down coming from and why can't i chew through them?

if this is what i feel i am supposed to do, if this is where i will belong, what is my freakin' problem?

it was weird to see so many women there, my age. single and so young. students. . . and here i am married and ready to buy a house.

i feel crooked. off kilter from the real world. why don't i fit in?

this isn't even what i meant to write about and my fingers smell like cilantro. it's making me queezy.

prove your existence

i really am more intellegent than i appear. i have the glasses to prove it, now. [14 May 2004|09:08pm]
[ mood | ditzy ]

it turns out that Kerry has MY BIRTHDAY!

or rather, I have his, since he was born first. whatever. . . well, that makes my decision easy*!

*this in no way should imply that i am actually voting for Kerry solely based on when he was born. he also snowboards. . . or tries to . . . i've actually only seen him carry a board around. . . and there's another thing we have in common!

1 trapped soul| prove your existence

it's been a while [09 May 2004|09:15pm]
sorry it's been so long. don't know what happened.

i think i lost myself for a while but am beginning to find some of me scattered about. this just happened to be one of the first pieces.

seems like blurty is up to the standards again, but i'm still posting on lj if i get sick of waiting for a page to load.

i thought i had a lot more to say than this. i posted two new poem-ish things at devart if you're interested. otherwise, here is a cross post from lj

follow me )
prove your existence

attn! [28 Apr 2004|05:38pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

it looks as if live journal has nearly won me over with the recent troubles i've been having with blurty. while i had no access to this journal, i started one over there at :

if anyone else has an lj, i'd be happy to add you to my list over there and would love you adding me. my friends here are wonderful and entertaining and ingeniusly insightful at times and that is a major reason i have not completely thrown up my arms in defeat. there are a few other reasons, but that is the MAJOR one. Friends are good.

the following is crossposted with there, so if you already read it over there you might not want to read it again here.

steph - you were right. blurty can be annoyingly bothersome.

but, i have wonderfully stupendous news. i have just been on the phone for the last half hour with. . . JON!


i jumped up and down and had this totally goofy grin on my face and it was near perfection. ah. . . i love that boy.

i'm still beaming, but now it is bittersweetness because i don't know when the next contact i have will be. but i am so thankful!





prove your existence

sinking . . . . [23 Apr 2004|10:24pm]
[ mood | fucked ]

i suggest you rent (and watch) "my life without me" but be prepared to think and cry. it is not a "feel good movie."

so it sucked me back into depression. . . i was well on my way into sinking back into numbness, but no, this movie has thrown my a lifesaver and pulled me up into the watery abyss of free flowing tears.


i sat for a long time just running my fingers across my stomach, down to the little black bow on the v.s. underwear he bought me for valentines day one year. i wished so hard that they were his fingers and not mine. i closed my eyes, but i knew my next move. . . it's no fun without the suspense. . . without the unknown.

i dreamed he had come home last night and we couldn't have sex b/c i had taken a break from my birth control. . . which i think has been a wise choice. i feel different without it. i may go talk to my doctor about what that means when i get the time.

but anyway. . . that dream sucked. except for him being back of course. but could you imagine the irony?

i want most, more than anything: to have him standing behind me, his arms wrapped around me, one at the shoulders, one at the waist and my arms intertwined. i want to feel his breath across my neck, through my hair and hear him whisper how glad he is to be home. i want to smell him and know his presence again.

i feel like jumping and flying away.

prove your existence

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