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bunny

[ website | . : seven days in the spin cycle : . ]
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not the only lonely one... [04 Mar 2003|06:32pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | tv - will & grace ]

i yearn for some cuddle time... i so need someone to care for... blah... this month it'll be a yr since i had last had sex... & this june will be two yrs since my last relationship... :::::god this headache is poundin:::::

i was exclusively called in
to take some pictures
this edition
is for the depression collection
sleepiness
fogged up my camera lenses
& a fresh brew of bustelo
drowned out selfishness
as she undresses
for the pictures
i'm anxious to take
she poses naked
across the room
w/ confidence
she's no amateur
i capture
her every move
she impresses me
needless for suggestions
she has a gracious stillness
very professional
silence suits her face
pale & serious
nothing escapes
when i hit the zoom
solitude magnified
no love lines
on her grooves
far from range
are her feelings
another roll of film
blessed & ejected
before she left
she thanked my
hospitality
she signed her name
`loneness`
on my breath
our eyes interlocked
a cynical laugh
we exchanged
tempted
to expose her
to close friends
but that's breakin'
the contract
she's my
private show girl
& i paid her
in return
w/ fragments
of innocence
in need of affection

-skathe

[1] made love to words...

a piece on the beach... [01 Mar 2003|04:40pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | all the things she said - tatu ]

i haven't been to the beach at night for weeks... i wrote this on thursday...


enough w/ the melancholy routines
& half hearted pieces
tonight i'm one on one w/ me
i'm not feelin' the city scene
so i drive south to the nearest beach
just that thought alone sets me free
i need to reflect & release some things
i brought w/ me a table sheet
to unfold near the shore's restless sea
tonight i chose the beach as my mistress
is that bein' a lesbian?!
cuz i like the way she's seduces me
away from daily miseries
she touches my soul softly
undressin' my weaknesses
consumin' me spiritually
listenin' patiently
to unspoken words
that remain wet on my lips
& she says nothing in return
cuz tonight it's about me
lettin' go of never clutched time
to romance my conscience
there's a pier w/ some lights
to the left of me
earlier a man came to me from there
he crossed me for a light
& as he lit his cigarette
he complimented me on my smoky eyes
but he caught on to the vibes
i just want to be alone tonight
in this place
a place for me to untangle my mind
a place
i can surrender to something real
the scarce beauty of life
moon dipped scattered starred skies
dancin' darkened waters
exchanin' turns w/ circlin' tides
serenadin' my ears
a never endin' cycle of back & forth motions
a classic lullaby that fades out the cities cries
it almost feels like i'm blind
& deaf
cuz the residues of life
dissolve beneath wet sands
but this sereneness
is a forgotten moment
in tomorrow's jaded grind

-skathe

[2] made love to words...

the poet man... [25 Feb 2003|12:57pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | jillian - good day live ]

i wrote this about a two days ago... alfredo kinda inspired it... his passion for spittin' & writtin'...


i witnessed perfection through the eyes of a lonely man
he's a poet man - he's less tense when he's tree'd up
stress entices his masterpieces - his words make you breathe again
he's sleepin' less - intricate lines envisioned when he's restless
no ink or paper - each fragment trace effaced cuz it's all in his head
they say 'the root of all evil is money' - in his case - it's skills
he waits past the good move - if you scheme blooded
you know there's always a stronger move to execute
he forcefully married patience to carry out brilliance
before he eloped he butchered all his feeling's
blessed by passion that sometimes feels like a hungering curse
verbals rendered daily like an addictive impulse rush
revelations never declared this way - underground art some say
he spews out light through his gift of craftin' words
sendin' out weak minds in pearl hearses to unknown roads
he'll make sure he burns the incineration vouchers
no r.i.p.'s or flowers - there's no such thing as grievin' to him
he's some where in between street ventures & the desk
with a shiet load of things that got him stressed
but everything fades out perfectly when its performance
too many kats fightin' for the title of ill prophet
titles don't mean shiet when you're raw talent
& the one givin' out titles wouldn't know the difference
some people don't have depth to intercept greatness
so the senseless are meaningless to him
sufferin' has been his spiritual form of meditation
the word pain doesn't do pain justice
like consequences to wrong decisions
he bolted the only exit door near him
too many nights invested in this
he's not interested in tradin' it in for relief
all this is part of who he is
he redefined his obsession of
it's the only one thing that gives him genuine satisfaction
cuz even his heart rotted through an attempt of lovin'

-s
kathe

...

a piece... [16 Feb 2003|01:13pm]
[ mood | sore ]
[ music | none ]

i wrote this a few days ago... i think on thursday...


day dreamin' feels like a curse
cursed w/ the thought of leavin'
leavin' everything i know behind
seedin' mistakes in the dirt of my past
but the root of my curse are just words
words spinnin' on the roulette of time
against?! - destiny & my father; god
he's the ultimate ill stated - creator of the mind
no time to hesitate - gotta cultivate these lines
i'm numbed when i rake - need a new lawn estate
gotta' mow this old plot - i feel the burnin' sun
it's hell when it rains - scorchin' up scattered grass
no watershed to refresh - got no water pumpin' out
closefisted hosed pipes - go in the house
use the kitchen line - just move the lever left
damn its clogged up - never fuckin' mind
wheres the plunger at?! - fuck the plumbers help
can't pay another fee - counter floodin' bills
life is in the drain - don't let it slip away
gotta fork it up - rise it to sustain
wait - get the razor or a knife - slice it up
[ scream ] - squeeze the bloody fame
hands all ripped apart - bandages don't cure no cut
this pain is what makes you a man
voice your name hard son- no remorse - no shame
for you the sphere was made - don't let potential stray
knowledge you must attain - fuel it to sustain
fears reverse sci-ence - cut off fear by it's throbbin' head - shhhh... unwind...
unleashed consciousness - mirrored on your mind
formin' silhouettes that evade corners of the eye
scratch out words like nothingness
don't loose sight through dark silence
cuz i'm rippin' passions' dress
ravishin' clothe from skin surfaces
to show you that soul is nude when uncaged
skathe playin' w/ your dice - shufflin' on your mind
come back sunday - & i boil up some time
sippin' on my green tea - trimin' up a few trees
retrospect - in order to look forward for further steps
gotta go – refresh… - look at some faded' skies

-skathe

[8] made love to words...

skathe... [13 Feb 2003|01:50pm]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | none - my bro freestylin' some shiet there ]

yesterday i found a new name for when i write.... i've had -dreams for like 6 yrs. pero i wanted something diff. more soulful & not played out. & i fell in love w/ the name -[SKATHE]- i love the way it sounds when i say it. it's really scathe, but i like it w/ the k instead. it's pronounced like skaith. the meaning is kinda crazy. -[to attack w/ servere criticism]. anyway - i love it.

[3] made love to words...

sparked revelations... [11 Feb 2003|08:49am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | tv - jerry springer ]

this was last night around 12am. i sent him the piece i wrote yesterday... i can't believe that brought this outcome. the IMs say it all. what i don't understand is that he had to read my piece to say what shoulda said a few days ago?! i don't get that. the funny thing is i wrote the piece on niggas & hoes, not to him, he then said that it seemed it was about us... & started quoting & exposing some main lines, i then relized i wrote some of it has reflections of diff. feelings towards him... i felt naked, like i had told him that to him face but i never opend my eyes, but the stripped my piece leavin the carcus... i almost felt shocked he did that. it felt like a digital cry.

something like this in the past, woulda made me cry... not anymore. i've built such a grand wall since i left hawaii. or maybe i understand him... he's being str8 out, he got his shiet to attend, but the bitch in my thinks his a bullshitter or a coward... then he wanna be "sweet" at the end of the IM askin' "what am i doing for valentines?!", for "a reunion" ?!, w/e guy. we kinda agreed to go out. i decided when i went to bad last night... most likey amma not go w/ him. i know myself, that night will feel like a fairytale, finally have our first kiss, talk, be together, prolly cuddle, then the night ends, & his gone, & my heart got lil excited & won't understand that was just for one night... i don't want him, if isn't mine completely... not just for one night.

so these revelations might be positive. i'm not even emotionally ready for a relationship, i know it. i have nothing to offer... not even my heart. i'm bitter most of the time, i got so much things going on in my life, he doesn't even know about. i got so many things yet to do it ain't even funny, i don't even care to have fun. de pinga. toO many thoughts... toO many things to do... & toO lil motovation... just my faith in god.


----
::the piece i wrote::

i bring distorted thoughts to light
whisperin' truth into female minds
niggas' be actin' bunny kute all day
then flippin' scripts at night
lettin' loose the pitt that roams inside
nuttin' good rules all men in good time
imagine this - your man lyin'
he ain't w/ his boyz free stylin'
he out there now - w/ some hunny
the same one that sized you -
that night ya'll were at that house party
while you were in angie's room talkin' -
they were in the kitchen swapin' 7's
it's hard for niggas' to pass it up
temptation is the bitch that fucks relationships up
when it's down to dick & balls - there is only one law
-believe half of what you see & nothing that is heard-
night life - take a chance - let your mind soar...

the city infected w/ dirty hoe syndrome
bitches not carin' if ya man is taken or promiscuous
it could be my man - your's - the lady's down the block
bitches don't sweat that - they got all sorts off dicks on lock
dickin' him right - each bitch - different cut
waitin' for your mista's signal - to spark the leafs up
rollin' out in your whip - w/ his dick in her grip
night life - the only time it feels right to release
the evidence - look for dilated pussy eyes
he didn't get enough - it's round two for tonight
now he wants to get intouch w/ some wifey ass
he knows your hot spots - he got you hypono-tised
rubbin' your choch & sizin' up your thighs
now he got you on the sofa - layin' there - legs spread
workin' your pussy romanced lies
givin' your bottom lips a nasty bumpy rash
then he wants to bitch it ain't him - wtf?!
he say's he would never do you shiet like that
ha- you swear he don't holla at chicks when it's late at the ave
it's all part of the night life amongst the city lamps...

i'm an artist when it comes to describin' grimey niggas & them thugs
picture your man - my man blazin' trees on the cut
they out tonight cruisin' - instead of lacin' tracks
fuck the studio - they out lookin' for one type of ass
actually more than one - the type that don't put out
the nice lookin' ones - not really the models
just the emotionally unavaible ones - the morally shallow
the type that'll blow & swallow the nut whole
the one that'll let him bust a nut in her ass -yo
the best type of fuck - the type that doesn't call back
i wonder if they even bother to wrap it up?!
it's sick - i know - you cook for him - right?!
you do the cleanin' - match up all the linens
keep he's clothe clean & crisp for the pimpin'
he doesn't get excited anymore to see your lil titties
he takes for granted the things you've done from the beginin'
he overlooks the special dates
but it's he also who remembers to fuck & blaze
it's the night life that he eagerly awaits...

i tailor fit no guilt to see you in this pain
i partially said it - thinkin' words were in vain
go home - relax - smoke a lil jane
breathe in confidence - we never found the evi-dence
now when he rhymes about chicks - block out the jelous traits
oh wait it's tuesday - right - he's doin' the grave night shift
i know i was precise - when i said he wasn't on the creep
but some how now - your eyes got a leak
it's a matter of - i was just sharin'
now you gone emotionally hysterical - eye sight blearin'
stressin' wicked scenerios - trust bolts flarin'
denial bottled up - eyes lit - glarin'
don't be guessin' if he out there rentin'
put his dick down for fine lense starin'
don't thank me for the seed that got your ass chokin'
jelously got you worried - hatred soarin'
it was you - who flipped the trust labels
your insecurities got you blinded
binded to memories of night life fables...

don't you come to me talkin' bout' you respect
fuck them niggas & them hoes -
now it's me breathin' on your neck -
it's you i'm ready to expose -
time to liberate the seals
goin' reverse on every step you laid
check this - mental scrutiny on display
blowin' facts in ya' face -
playin' truth as my single hearted ace
for other women to relate - realize - study - & engage
got your lies hung as the remainin'evidence
let's recap - weren't you once w/ him -
when he was married to leslie-kate??!
no need for further testaments - fuck this case
she gone pro wifey - tryin' to conseal shady trades
night life traditions attractivly rearranged...

-dreamz

-----
::the revelations through IMs::

IBitterSweetKiss: what r u doin
IBitterSweetKiss: tell me what u think
IBitterSweetKiss: mail*

him: im reading a magazine
him: ok, hol up

IBitterSweetKiss: then read it later - es una boberia

him: youve been inspired to write latley huh

IBitterSweetKiss: i guess
IBitterSweetKiss: be honest

him: ok
him: who is this about?

IBitterSweetKiss: niggas & hoes

him: they out tonight cruisin' - instead of lacin' tracks
fuck the studio - they out lookin' for one type of ass-- sounds like your assumptions on me

IBitterSweetKiss: don't take it like that

him: its real good.. excellent actually.. but theres too much similarities to what we went through.. i dont like that

IBitterSweetKiss: to what we went through?

him: niggas' be actin' bunny kute all day
then flippin' scripts at night

IBitterSweetKiss: explain

him: he ain't w/ his boyz free stylin'
he out there now - w/ some hunny

him: he doesn't get excited anymore to see your lil titties
he takes for granted the things you've done from the beginin'
he overlooks the special dates

him: but it's he also who remembers to fuck & blaze

him: shall i go on?

IBitterSweetKiss: go on

him: ok
him: now when he rhymes about chicks - block out the jelous traits
oh wait it's tuesday - right - he's doin' the grave night shift
him: jelously got you worried - hatred soarin'
it was you - who flipped the trust labels
your insecurities got you blinded
him: thats it

IBitterSweetKiss: it doesn't even matter

him: what doesnt matter?

IBitterSweetKiss: i wrote it not w/ any directed intension - maybe some are faded reflections

him: some?
him: try half
him: i dont like how you assume i am

IBitterSweetKiss: what do u expect - i assume what i get - one night u tellin' me u nervous & excited waitin' something else -missin' me - then the calls stop cominin' again - ur quotes - & the way u've acted - i don't get you

him: the reason why i never pursued a relationship with you is because i knew i was going to end up playin you. and you meant too much to me for me to do that to you.. im real busy right now, especially wit school, my music and i dont have time to commit. and i dont wanna do wrong by you

IBitterSweetKiss: that's all u had to say

him: and i dont wanna get into a relationship that i know isnt gonna be my first priority. if im gonna be with you.. i want to devote all my time and effort.. and right now i cant provide that

him: believe me or not.. thats just being real

IBitterSweetKiss: i understand - it's just i needed to hear something

him: i dont wanna lose you.. but i dont want you to wait. i will never ask someone to wait for me. you do what u gotta do.. if we cross paths, then we take it from there

IBitterSweetKiss: i rather it be this way - i respect u better for for what you've said

him: all i want is for you to understand
him: i apologuze for misleading you if i did in any way
him: i had no cruel intentions with you.. never

IBitterSweetKiss: no never did other wise

him: what are you doing valentines?

IBitterSweetKiss: no se

him: maybe we can get together

him: a reunion..lol

IBitterSweetKiss: lol

him: well?

IBitterSweetKiss: te espero emperfumada toda linda?

him: wll its not in concrete yet.. cuz im suppose to go to orlando with my cousin.. but by wed. ill let you know

IBitterSweetKiss: k thats str8

him: ok coo

IBitterSweetKiss: night*

----

...

fantasy atmosphere... [07 Feb 2003|06:49pm]
[ mood | horny ]
[ music | kiss me on my neck - erykah badu ]

i just wrote this... cuz i was thinkin of him. i haven't sent it to him, i dunno if i should, prolly not. he showed me a rhyme last night, coño since last night i'm all horny... the rhyme wasn't even sexual. ya tu sabes...


after the sun changes faces
he serves me his wine - i sip - savor each line
i swallow each word as he bleeds through his rhymes
logically intoxicatin' - visually refreshin'
ink spillin' sight onto shallow paper minds
his poetic streams got me wet at both sides
dome full of knots - soul hurt from cuts
ingrown thorns - gardeners from the past
mishandlin' on eve's side of the grass
set aside the past no time for blurry eyes
drenched in divine desire of tongues makin' love
just imaginin' his gripped hands on my waist
sets my soul racin' - nipples stimulated
the boy isn't only for blazin' - he's educated
i don't care if he's indigent or stacked in the pockets
i feel his true essence behind pained lenses
his voice erects me - spiritually he penetrates me
bittin' my lower lip - i noticed i'm sexually frustrated
i'm sensual - but one night stands are inferior to me
i want to be loved - sized - evenly carressed
maybe near the ocean tides crashin' on wet sand
talkin' about w/e is on our minds - peach snapps taste
sea breeze blowin' our way - stars faintly glimmin'
nothing fancy - just us on the beach line chillin'
unwindin' into the night - exchangin' feelin's
his words movin' through my gentle melody
the beach fits as the visual hook
our bodies the physical symphony
fantasy atmosphere x's ecstasy x's infinity
the night breaks off into our magical history
emotionally climaxin' - mentally breathe takin'
creatin' a love song for the realm of eternity
clock math works forth the message of depth is lost
i'm back to black & white - my institution - a numbed reality
i lock up my fantasies for a rainy night of relevancy

-dreams

...

income taxes time... [03 Feb 2003|10:35am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | none - my folks tellin' me to hurry up ]

oh god, dreaded mondays... a fresh start to another week... right now i'm gonna go w/ my folks & do our income taxes. =/ y no tengo ganas de aser nada, como siempre, i think i lack energy, i may need energy pills... no matter how much caffeine i drink, or if i sleep 8 hrs+, i'm still not hype/energetic?! i feel like un freakin vegetal. maybe it's the lack of love & sex!! hahahah lmao. yes... i conclude it's that. i'm out. peace.

[3] made love to words...

needa this - needa that... [27 Jan 2003|02:28pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | speedballin` - outkast feat. cee-lo ]

so we spoke yesterday like 3 times... one of the times he put his 15 yr sis on, she said hi. he said she wanted to talk to me?! lol. kute. so i guess me holding on & waiting silently worked. the whole rubber band theory worked in this case. lol. well w/e things happen regardless, it's destiney i guess.

oh god last night my parents were bitching my bro out cause he got fired last week for not showing up to work, then they kinda continued the bitching on me... i need a fucking job. being home is killing me slowly. it's a cage i made for my self, then being everyday w/ my family is hectic. we're a tight family, but so much can drive even the most humble nicest person up the wall of insanity. i need a car toO. ha- i need to many shiets. i need to get out of this seat first... ño que vidita... sighh..... peace.

[2] made love to words...

last night HE CONFESSED emotions... [27 Jan 2003|07:11am]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | love of my life - erykah badu ]

last night around 2:30am he called, at 2:30 in the morning?! coño. to tell me he missed me alot... blowing me kisses... =) he said that he needs something GOOD?! in his life... lol i said yeah & i need something bad in my life, oppisites attract. ::laughs:: n-e way. so then he told me that he sent me a rhyme to go read it, he wanted me to read it out loud. what's up w/ him wanting me reading to him?! i didn't read it out loud, of course. he said i'm una "dramatica", cause i didn't want to read it, that it was only him. then we spoke about the rhyme..

here comes the goOd part!!:

then he said... "can i ask you something...? but be honest... be honest..." i said: "yeah" w/ my heart raising. he asked: "can you see your self w/ me?... i can see you w/ me" (he said it so serious) ::5 second silence:: i was like: yes... are you afraid? he said he was but excited... & nervous... i agreed w/ him... i asked him what attracted him towards me, he said that it was the way i am, the way i treat him... i told him, how?! if we've seen eachother once?! he said that it feels more than once & that, that night was enough... then he said "i always have to call you, you don't call me anymore?!" then i used FLAVIA's handy advice line: "i don't call you cause i assume you're busy" then he said: "don't assume things call & find out... your assumptions make an ass out of you & me" i said: "does it bother you? " he said: "yes..." then i told him that he barely is calling me either... so then he said that he knows he been distant but thats why called me... i was like we're not even in the same page, we're on the same sentence... word. then he said he that he needs me, he wants me in his life, nest to him. i was sighing through most of the convo, he was like OK lets go slow, lets slow down. i laughed... said it felt weird hearing it from him... i was like what made you tell me these things...? he said that he knows he been distant lately, that he didn't want to give me the wrong impression, he doesn't want to loOse me... then he said: "no te vayas..." me: "naw... i'm here, it's gonna be alright..."

then he said that he needs to start saving up... cause he wants to go to chicago... & i'm going w/ him, god willing ;) then i mentioned that me & him reminds me of my dad & my mom, that when my dad was young, he had alot of broads, sleeping around, parties, nothing held him down, & my mom was innocent & buena... then some how they left together to live at missourri, & they still together, 22+ years. he said: "are they happy?!" me: "happy... they're in love, & repect eachother" i told him how much i admire them, & how it's hard to see that in such a corrupt society, that they give me hope to one day have something like that...

then the conversation winded down into other things... basically those were the main parts.

i can't stop smiling since last night. before i went to sleep last night, i held the lil cross on my chain... & spoke to god... he knows what's up. ;)

[2] made love to words...

mixed feelings flowing through my pen... [24 Jan 2003|12:20am]
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | breeze - living room window open ]

i guess since the past two days i "haven't" been here when he's called, he decided not to call today. but i deserve that i guess, who cares. i don't want to talk to him everyday, anyway, we aren't an "item". i want him to have space & maybe he'll reconfirm that his feelings are real. i heard once, that men are like rubberbands... lmao. "they pull away, if you don't run after them, they will spring back". so yeah, i guess after he springs back a few time & see's i'm still here... maybe we'll hoOk up, who knows... & i thought girls were weird. jeesh... =P

this is another journal only piece... he needs to approach me, i can't pursue him w/ lil poems, anymore... so i'm not writting to him, for now... just to blurty ;)


this is a different attempt to the game
your moves towards me aren't lustfulness
is this what you call
keepin' me at a distance
cuz i mean more than the rest to evaize
does that mean theres a chance
for hearts to clash & possibly break
cuz theres always some ones needs at stake
is this being delicate or passionate
i need more than this mi rey...
i'm channel surfin' all day, through rhymes you wrote
viewin' them from copies engraved in my head
theres no time for complications
questionnaires or fairytales
unwind into me
i want to see my skin formin' silhouettes
on the mirror of your memory
unleashed consciousness linkin' you to me
silently i've decided i want to be your wife melody
fiendin'...
our first kiss
whispered words of nothingness
losin' our selves in silence
rippin' passions' dress
ravishin' clothe from skin surfaces
our souls being mutually uncaged
healin' broken skin from carelessness
feelin' your soposed hatred through breathe
poisoned by the cruelty of human -x-
two souls; one night, one bliss; two minds
divine division of pleasures intertwined
ok let me refresh...
day dreamin' feels like a curse
cursed w/ the thought of leavin'
leavin' everything i know behind
just to be w/ you & have you by my side
chicago sounds like a priceless gold mine
but the root of my curse are words
being played on a board like chess
by mrs destiny & father; god him self

what an ill state of mind to cultivate these lines
keep me in mind, please don't run out of time...

-dreams


peace... i'm off to bed.

[24] made love to words...

movin' at a slow pace... [23 Jan 2003|05:35pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | show me love - tatu ]

the day before yesterday & yesterday he called... but i made my mom, then my sis; tell him i wasn't here. i know it's wrong, but i can't be here for him always... got to keep him wondering... like my mom says, men have to think you don't need them... w/e. i just don't want to seem i'm always home, when lately i am. & i haven't gotten online much these two days to not even cross him...

i wrote this last night, but i didn't give it to him, & i'm not. somethings are better not said or shared... in this case blurty is the only one to know. ;)


it seems we're movin' ahead
but things seem so slow
at this point the weak move on
or finally let go
but confession
is stronger than consciousness
& i confess
i'm screaming' for the unknown
all these thoughts
up against my jaded heart
poundin' beats
onto a pessimist's drum
innocent illusions
have my mind's eye dreamin'
this attempt to love
is really different
exchangin' stripped words
instead of naked skin
so many tides
not one kiss exchanged
this feels like the matrix vs
chess vs ecstasy
does any of this make sense
or am i ramblin' ?
it's more like a dismantled love song
& i've lost connection -
common sense has failed to download

-dreams

...

. . . pain & desire [21 Jan 2003|12:25am]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | made you loOk remix - nas - ludacris -jadakiss ]

so i just signed off aol right now, & i wrotet him this lil 7 line rhyme thingie, he just put a smiley face... i think i over did it w/ this one. -screams- ::my period made me do it:: i'm feeling lonely... & my body hurts so much. coño yo daria cualquier cosa for a goOd massage right now. sometimes i wish things weren't this complicated... i just want cariñito from him... oh yeah he called me like 3 times today. nonono what a emotional see-saw. ::manda pinga:: ok i'm out, i'm in so much pain & my bed will heal my body i pray... lol peace.


in the arms of solitude
i'm bleeding out love
clarity pierces through me
tearing pained blood
evaize be the hallow needle
puncturing awareness
through the folds of my heart

-dreams

[2] made love to words...

mutual intensity - last nights' writtings [19 Jan 2003|06:16pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | underneath it all - no doubt ]

so yesterday we didn't talk, he didn't call, i didn't even sign online much. i got my period yesterday & i felt like shiet, i still feel bad. so before i went to sleep lastnight, i felt like writting to him... i was in a trance. i had the song `tell me - by smilez & southstar - on replay, yesterday was the first time i had heard it. so that song was the base to what i wrote.


i sent it: 1.19.03 2:23am
he read it: 4:06am



love - hate - evaize
lacin' theory masteries
my move -
you've been castlin' -
don't think the queen won't conquer
the frozen majesty
too late you're the ruler to this maze -
this masterpiece
evaize all day - pause - play back - wait
it's no mistake you're the crowned head
you're the royal entity to my forbidden garden
i thirst your words like foreign scenery's
my mind - not even stressed
i see the climax before you can
-checkmate-
queen facin' king - secure surrender
no heartbreaks - mutual victory
i need you like mc's need punch lines for fame
how to show the glazed hearted monarch
this ain't a phase -
i want to deliver the lovin' evaize
crowned repression till i thaw out his frozen heart
for now - i retrieve to the sleepin' quaters
i need my "beauty rest"...


------


he sent this: 01.19.03 5:01am
i read it: around 12pm today



to cari

4:06 - 4:57 / 1-19

im starin at this blank page
fist fightin my stubborn rage
im dyin to perform you,
your my song and this is our stage
im lookin at you,
from inside a cealed cage
its 4:08 A.M, im tired and blazed
but the rhyme you wrote,
triggered my brains creative gauge
you love and hate evaize
understandable emotions,
what can you do when my smile is the cure,
and my words are the poison
my kiss is a slow death,
two lungs of hate and hatred as breath
i want you in my life,
i need you next to me
being lonley is a hangover,
and lust is the hennesy
i wanna cook you love,
but i've lost the recipe
is god testin me?
the question is not known,
but the answer is 'my destiny'
emotional jeapoardy,
i fuck reckelessley,
the type to give in when the devils whore is temptin me
please dont think less of me
its just that pussy gets the best of me
im walkin north,
when my home is west of me
its hard lookin at love and pain seperatley
my soul spits lovley,
over your heats sweet melody
not hurtin you comes first,
hurtin myself comes secondly
lovin you is a neccesity
especially,
since you mean more than the rest do to me
love is the best cruelty,
and the worst case of ecstacy
undying emotion,
mixed wit devoted jealousy
lookin you dead in the eye
king facin queen,
into a gem of darkness,
i find a beauty ive never seen
cant make out wheather,
i hear you whisper or scream
did i really kiss you,
or was it just a dream
i ordered the lovin,
but the delivery arrived too soon
your touch against my skin,
rises the tides towards the moon
4 walls, 3 hours, 2 days, 1 room
spark trees, light the incense
i'd leave to chicago wit you,
right this instance
but the sexy snake kept hissin,
so i've kept you at a distance
im not askin you to wait for me,
but give me some time
to arrange the cluddered thoughts,
that are tangled in my mind
my conscience,
was found strangled at a crime
feelin a womans fangs in my spine
my soul nutted wit the blow job you gave my heart,
watchin gangs of NY
we have a solar system romance,
takin you between planets to dance
please take these words,
and always rememba me
your smile is my posion,
and lovin you is the remedy

sincerly,

evaize

-----

when i read he's reply... the piece. i cried, i didn't tell him that though. ;) it shoOk me hard. i felt him. he feels me. we're on the same page. we're both scared, i guess. i've been so hurt by my 2 ex's & my ex best friend. i've gone through alot - he has toO, from what his told me... but these feelings are undeniable. god... i just want lay in his arms, feeling his hands carress my arms & him touching my hands & my hair... i want to finally give him a kiss on his lips... feel the interaction of our souls lovin' eachother... ::bigg sigh:: ...sweet surrender.

so he called me today around 4pm. we both seemed happy... lol he said he loved my piece so much. he even sent it to one of his boys, the guy that does his beats. i broke out in a nervous laugh, & said i was ::flattered::, he's like: you should be. ;) so we talked for a lil bit. they're celebrating his lil sis 15's today. her b-day is tuesday though.

he called again around 5pm. asking me to throw him kisses... i did, plenty. he asked me if i wanted to kiss him i said yes, & be in his arms... ::grins:: he asked me like 4 times to read him the ryme he wrote to me. i was like why?! lol. he said it was very personal what he wrote - from the heart & he wanted to be part of this moment, he thought it was a kute idea... que lindo... i was all giggly, saying no, it felt like i was going to do a class presentation. lol i told him to read it to me cuz he wrote it but he was at discount auto parts w/ his cuz'. so then he said he's cuz' paid his shiet so they had to bounce. he'd be calling later... lets see.

[18] made love to words...

aol - a piece - 2am call - he's always on my mind [18 Jan 2003|10:12am]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | emotions - destiny child ]

so last night i asked him online if he had written anything new. he sent me two different pieces, "rap science" & "bottle & me". the second one has a part where he seemed to have refered to me, since we haven't spoken in almost a week. i got so mad but like always his writting & the way he is what i like, what attracts me to him. he makes me feel secure inside but then so lonely... regardless all the crazy shiet he writes & how anti-social he is... i want to be w/ him. when i read them i IMed him w/: "god... i still like you... & i hate you..." him: "lol... why?" me: "no te agas" me: "nite*"... so i left & wrote what was on my mind... mind you this was around 1 30am.


"bottle and me"

hook: e

everywhere i go,
feels like somebodys followin me
x-ray my chest,
aint nobody as hollow as me
todays no good,
hope tomorrow wont be
when theres sorrow in me,
its just the bottle and me
when theres sorrow in me,
its just the bottle and me


v1: e

finally openin my eyes,
to see my casket lid closin in
holdin frozen sin,
e be the chosen grim
love tore thru broken skin,
my hearts neva been opened since
just lookin at her face,
makes me wanna know how poison tastes
im soaked in space,
flowin smooth like da oceans grace
searchin for answers,
at the bottom of the bottle
you aint shit bitch, word
you'll be forgottn by tomorrmow
finally its time to move on,
im neva right, but whos wrong?

got too many people to prove wrong
the truth is too strong,
but a lie can always overpower it
stravin mcs see a deal,
and they quick to devour it
if a blind man was to lead,
your the fools to follow him
baby girl get off your knees,
theres no need to swallow him
they hollow men,
wit no heart, no pride, or passion
im educated wit a babyface,
and a ill sense of fashion
im street raised,
playin wit three spades
i breathe haze,
thank god i aint neva had to make my heat spray
but i keep it cocked
under the pillow thats how i sleep
one eye open son,
too many bitch cats on the creep
searchin for a wifey to keep,
my compatible freak
tell myself how lucky i am,
as i watch her sleep
im man of my word,
so its real when i speak

-----

so right after i finished writting him the lil piece, i signed on around 2am, i told him: "i wrote something for you" him: "send", then i waited a minute & said: "goOdnight*" & i signed off, my heart was raising & i re-read what i wrote, what he read... wondering if i was doing wrong... i even asked god if i was doing wrong... of course nothing calmed me. i just did what my heart told me.

a few seconds past, & the phone rang... it was him!! i wasn't expecting the call, my voice was choked up, & he seemed nervous. he was like: "why you signed off?" me: "i dunno" him: "i told you to wait" me: "i didn't get that IM" him: "i liked what you wrote, it touched me" me: "youre just saying that, regardless it was out of my heart" him: "no, i'm not, it touched me, i really liked the part where you said play you like chess" me: "don't like the line... make it real"... i told him: "i missed you" him: "you do?!" me: "you know i do..." we talked about schoOl, our families, 2 movies he watched & one i watched, about why he or me didn't go last night. oh yeah he sister turns 15 on tuesday & my sister is 14, i was telling him how my sister makes the boys sweat her & suffer. he said: "yeah, that good make them sweat" i said: "thats what i need to do w/ you, make you suffer" him: "how do you know i am not suffering" me: "that i wouldn't know or ask you"... there was a point in the conversation i told him goOd night his like why you hanging up, i said: "cuz no quiero meterte una lata - lets not push it" him: "if you need to go to sleep i understand, but tomm. is sat." me: "do you want me to hang up?" him: "no"... so pretty much the convo was really goOd about almost an hour long... he said: "buenas noche"... before we hung up, he's never said that before it was kute. lol

hopefully things will pick up... he said he call me today, let's see..


this is what i sent him:

so out of tune w/ the social race
pushing away memories from my past
so much to accomplish now
so much to work for
walking on a thin glass wire on my own
no true warmth to comfort my bodies burnin desire
faded out drama cuz it was stressin me
fuck that, i ain't like other chicks
guys hatin' cuz i don't give my # out
bi ladies hatin' cuz i won't rubb the clits
i hate on you cuz you cut me off
you think youre hard cuz you looked away,
your wrong on being right, on this one
yeah you moved on, to what...
youre lonely room & a bottle,
some haze to blaze, & the city to rep
all that & no true lady by you to step w/
i ain't use to this ghetto shiet
it's true, they say love changes the soul
or in my case, my undying ways
& i hate that youre locked up tight
but your dieing to get unlocked
i hold the key she tossed out
take a break from solitaire & play me like chess
you need a queen & i, a king
im not the posinous prototype,
what happened to the roots - you got me
& i tell you this w/ no disgrace
i just want to be your lil bunny
step w/ you, be supportive
get in a fight to make up
watch movies & rant on family fights
you know sooner or later you'll be feeling lonley
take me in, no questions asked
i know you have things to prove
out there, but not in my eyes
don't even bother...
you got me

-dreams

...

i'm so feeling this song right now... [16 Jan 2003|09:51pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | bring on the rain - jo dee messina ]


Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight


Jo Dee Messina
Burn (2000)
Bring On The Rain

(Duet with Tim McGraw)
(Billy Montana/Helen Darling)

[2] made love to words...

they toOk gorda yesterday... [16 Jan 2003|08:05am]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | channel 23 news - tv ]

for days my parents had been saying gorda wass toO aggressive for a two month old puppie & that she ate toO much, & that they were thinking of giving her away... but i never complained about her harmless lil bites or scratches. i have my legs, feet, arms & hands w/ lil nics' & cuts to proOve i didn't care. maybe i was the only one that loved her. nooo, i have been the ONLY one that truely loved her. the only one that since they brought gorda home, toOk her out for her walk every single morning around 5-6am, & fed & baithed her. everyone knows how lazy i am, & how much i detest waking up in the morning, obviously i did love her. i know i did, still do, w/e. then yesterday they toOk her. i didn't even loOk at her when my mom stoOd infront of me w/ her, when she was leaving. after they closed the doOr i cried. i was so pist & sad the whole day yesterday. & through out the whole afternoOn & night i felt there was something missing. her. the lil black monster that bit my feet... ::sigh::

[2] made love to words...

something i wrote last night... [e & l ] [15 Jan 2003|01:22pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | silence ]

i wonder more about you since i left
& the silence sends me into a dectective trance
trying to break your code to unlock your sent words
i can't push my self away from the mystery,
a life that used to be known to me
i've tried every password i could think of,
that could relate to your life & your world
but still no access, the product isn't whole
even though i have his passcode.
& i read the emails you've sent him, like todays'
their in his mailbox, waiting to be read
next to the other broads horney invitations
cuz you ain't the only one his got, & you never wanted to see that
i've seen pictures of other chicks & questions like
"whats wrong? why won't you call? was it me or something i did?!" damn
your blinded & racked up next to other insecure molds his made
& i can't help you see this... i can't give up this secrecy.

oh by the way thanks for those sexy pictures you sent
i couldn't forward them though i had to copy & past them
i didn't want him noticing my unsolicited activities
those pics had me up all night & i liked those black panties, they were tight
& your hair pulled back & your legs loOking firm like always
what was that, another tattoo? a butterfly below your navel?!
so many things are changing - & you don't loOk innocent anymore
in your eyes i saw tireness, stress, a broken hearted whore in love
& that last email was very heart felt, i like the way you said
"you missed his chest & his hands to hold"
lord knows a how many of those he gets a day...

::save all as new - logg out ::

it's actually become very addictive to be this invisble man
i've seen this love affair bloom slowly since jr high
not even your marriage has held you two behind the line
not even over seas military lives has kept you two w/ out the willing force
& still you go to sleep on a empty bed, laying in the arms of your hated man
& lover boy is in guam & sleeps alone on his bunk, & for his sake
probably hits up a few bars every other night
but it's him you miss & still you believe in those old promises, he never learns to keep
& when you finally meet up again, once a year in a motel, you just give it up
for a moment that soOn fades away into another whole year of wait

all this for him...
for a guy that ain't never there, for a guy that's made you cold & blind
for a guy that has more than two or three girls like you on his nine... & crowding his mind.
walking a wire & believing all his selfish lines about one day getting away,
having a nice house by a lake & running around w/ the kids,
going out fishing or watching the foOt ball game...
but now you don't even got me, to call me, when he breaks your heart again
cuz you fucked it up & gave me up to defend a broken love
for a hus-band you never loved... the same husband you've been cheating on.
i'm sure you have them both but in reality you have no one.
& i don't need your password anymore, i think i know enough...

...

words from the heart... [11 Jan 2003|04:58pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | love can damage your health - telepopmusik ]

i wrote this earlier, for my page...


have you ever been to the point where what you're living isn't satisfying anymore, or where you've out-grown the once loved routines?! & nothing seems to rise to your expectations, sending you in motion to search for something w/ out a name?!


well, i'm there... i've been at the point in my life that what is, isn't quite where i want to be, or what i want in life. i've had this feeling for nearly two years now. loOking, searching for something else... that feeling of completion, i guess. adventure. thrill. struggle. real life. holding my own. & a partner to share all this & my honest love & affection.


i made an attempt to seek or make a difference may of 02'. so about after yr of thought i decided & planned out everything w/ my NOW ex-bestfriend of over 9yrs, from middle schoOl. the idea was for a positive change. they had an extra room out of the 4 rooms in their rented house, & they had a couple there sharing rent. they had two cars also. so it seemed well off, they paid my ticket to go there. so i left... gave in my new celica 02', w/ drew from college, quit my job, & made promises to my family of possible success. i packed all my clothe in three large suitcases & had the copy of a yrs worth of college credits & left to hawaii w/ the idea of staying there & making a new life, my life. & i was aware about starting from the bottom & working hard, that's what i wanted. she had her own life to deal w/ & recently wedded husband, we weren't 12/17 yrs old anymore. & they were both active marines.


it was a blurry mild boOt camp that was awaiting for me. toO begin w/ the college i was going to enroll at forgot to mention the part where i could enroll ONLY if i was a resident, or had last yrs income tax from the island... then it got to the point these ppl didn't let me breathe, the two months i was there, it seemed like an eternity. the last week & a 1/2, being the hardiest & saddest point of my life, where even our 9+ yr friendship that everyone praised... was thrown out the window, because of her selfisness. my only escape was the scenery, a temp job, music, their dog, boOks, & libraries. they tried to tell me what to do, drink & eat?! not even my folks. i was always nice & grateful for the chance of being there but i'm not a puppet, & i never let it bury me, up & till a violent fight they had that me & the roOmmates witnessed, the worst one ever. i never expected to see her live like that. she was letting him disrespect her & ruin their "home" & she did toO, to get back at him. she never loved him, she told me several times... yes, they were successful next to me holding to their name a house w/ all the accessories, 2 cars, credit cards, & well respected government careers... but in my eyes that ment shiet. why have all that, & not have respect for what your living for, or respect for your partner. i had nothing, yet i noticed the mountains they over lOoked daily... she become cold.


she was doing everything we hated that other weak women did. the things we so proudly swore never to do, she was doing them freely & parading around by it. she lost her self worth to a man, lost respect to their house, lost respect to her husband, & married w/ no love, just because she was lonely. making all that a false foundation they lived on, a place where i couldn't make a minor difference in my "new life". & i tried to help her, cause lord knows i still love her, but no one could've helped them. she even left the house. i left in july the day before her 21st b-day... when my parents picked me up from the mia airport, it was a sat morning around 5am i was a mess & i felt i had changed a lot inside. i lived a movie... she called in sept, apologizing, i then find out they were back to together & the roOmmates moved out. that's not how we were raised to go about life... how sad. we haven't spoken since that call. she & i understoOd that was our goOdbye, i guess... for many reasons, that hurt me, but made me stronger.


that reminds me, growing up i always listened closely to my parents semi fairytale - semi struggles in how they both left their family behind to leave cuba & how they met in fl, my dad being 19/20 & my mom 16/17 yrs old. i also loved the stories about how my parents when they first started going out as a couple, they would leave on road trips to los cayos, orlando & camp out out of their mini van, just them two, loving, cruising, just enough money & desire, living the moment. or how after they had me they left to missouri to live on their own, making a small cold apt in a city they didn't know... a home. their still so much in love still after 22+ yrs. you can see it; the trust, the love, the respect, the support, & the understanding. they aren't professionals or have a successful business, but they succeeded in one purpose in life; having found that soulmate. the ultimate union one longs to have & seldom are the ones that find it. i'm grateful for them & happy that they have each other... they're awesome parents, friends to me & my bro & sis, teachers of life, & a beautiful couple. whom i am is due to them. ;)


it's been about 5/6mths since hawaii. i've taken a little break to refresh my mind & what i want. i may be at ground zero, but i never lost or gave away my hopes, my faith in GOD, & my dreams... i've been thinking about enrolling back in college, of course getting a job, buying a used car, raising some money for that "get-away"... one thing i'm missing though... my "clyde".

[3] made love to words...

he finally called... [07 Jan 2003|07:30pm]
[ mood | listless ]
[ music | none ]

so he sends me the piece this morning around 11 30 am. and calls me like around 3 30 pm. this is the first call since the weekend before newyears. he seemed nervous. & i was wasn't at all expecting his call. he asked how my family was one by one... instead of asking how the whole FAMILY was. it was so funny. then he asked how i have been. we talked about his two new classes. he mentioned that he was getting his tires changed at the moment. & we also spoke about his piece, & i was like no comments, cause he hadn't yet read my reply. so yeah. i did quote him w/ his own line: "in this game of love, words dont mean shit up against real actions ". then i told him i'd let him go cause i was in the middle of something, he apologized for the "interruption". so yeah...

MOVIE:
i saw this really old movie, CoOkies Fortune. but it was so well worth it, just cause LIV TAYLOR was there!! & she has a grown out short boy hair cut, really soft butch loOk, driving a dirty old truck & wearing boOts w/ overalls, working a mans job; picking up boxes of fish, & living out of a mini van. she was hot! it's so funny cause a this guy once mentioned that in my pics i loOk a lil like her w/ the pale skin - dark hair - deep lOok in the eyes. n-e way. i lOok like me. & nothing like her, she's a hot ass chick!!

[2] made love to words...

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