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mood |
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music |
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love can damage your health - telepopmusik |
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i wrote this earlier, for my page...
have you ever been to the point where what you're living isn't satisfying anymore, or where you've out-grown the once loved routines?! & nothing seems to rise to your expectations, sending you in motion to search for something w/ out a name?!
well, i'm there... i've been at the point in my life that what is, isn't quite where i want to be, or what i want in life. i've had this feeling for nearly two years now. loOking, searching for something else... that feeling of completion, i guess. adventure. thrill. struggle. real life. holding my own. & a partner to share all this & my honest love & affection.
i made an attempt to seek or make a difference may of 02'. so about after yr of thought i decided & planned out everything w/ my NOW ex-bestfriend of over 9yrs, from middle schoOl. the idea was for a positive change. they had an extra room out of the 4 rooms in their rented house, & they had a couple there sharing rent. they had two cars also. so it seemed well off, they paid my ticket to go there. so i left... gave in my new celica 02', w/ drew from college, quit my job, & made promises to my family of possible success. i packed all my clothe in three large suitcases & had the copy of a yrs worth of college credits & left to hawaii w/ the idea of staying there & making a new life, my life. & i was aware about starting from the bottom & working hard, that's what i wanted. she had her own life to deal w/ & recently wedded husband, we weren't 12/17 yrs old anymore. & they were both active marines.
it was a blurry mild boOt camp that was awaiting for me. toO begin w/ the college i was going to enroll at forgot to mention the part where i could enroll ONLY if i was a resident, or had last yrs income tax from the island... then it got to the point these ppl didn't let me breathe, the two months i was there, it seemed like an eternity. the last week & a 1/2, being the hardiest & saddest point of my life, where even our 9+ yr friendship that everyone praised... was thrown out the window, because of her selfisness. my only escape was the scenery, a temp job, music, their dog, boOks, & libraries. they tried to tell me what to do, drink & eat?! not even my folks. i was always nice & grateful for the chance of being there but i'm not a puppet, & i never let it bury me, up & till a violent fight they had that me & the roOmmates witnessed, the worst one ever. i never expected to see her live like that. she was letting him disrespect her & ruin their "home" & she did toO, to get back at him. she never loved him, she told me several times... yes, they were successful next to me holding to their name a house w/ all the accessories, 2 cars, credit cards, & well respected government careers... but in my eyes that ment shiet. why have all that, & not have respect for what your living for, or respect for your partner. i had nothing, yet i noticed the mountains they over lOoked daily... she become cold.
she was doing everything we hated that other weak women did. the things we so proudly swore never to do, she was doing them freely & parading around by it. she lost her self worth to a man, lost respect to their house, lost respect to her husband, & married w/ no love, just because she was lonely. making all that a false foundation they lived on, a place where i couldn't make a minor difference in my "new life". & i tried to help her, cause lord knows i still love her, but no one could've helped them. she even left the house. i left in july the day before her 21st b-day... when my parents picked me up from the mia airport, it was a sat morning around 5am i was a mess & i felt i had changed a lot inside. i lived a movie... she called in sept, apologizing, i then find out they were back to together & the roOmmates moved out. that's not how we were raised to go about life... how sad. we haven't spoken since that call. she & i understoOd that was our goOdbye, i guess... for many reasons, that hurt me, but made me stronger.
that reminds me, growing up i always listened closely to my parents semi fairytale - semi struggles in how they both left their family behind to leave cuba & how they met in fl, my dad being 19/20 & my mom 16/17 yrs old. i also loved the stories about how my parents when they first started going out as a couple, they would leave on road trips to los cayos, orlando & camp out out of their mini van, just them two, loving, cruising, just enough money & desire, living the moment. or how after they had me they left to missouri to live on their own, making a small cold apt in a city they didn't know... a home. their still so much in love still after 22+ yrs. you can see it; the trust, the love, the respect, the support, & the understanding. they aren't professionals or have a successful business, but they succeeded in one purpose in life; having found that soulmate. the ultimate union one longs to have & seldom are the ones that find it. i'm grateful for them & happy that they have each other... they're awesome parents, friends to me & my bro & sis, teachers of life, & a beautiful couple. whom i am is due to them. ;)
it's been about 5/6mths since hawaii. i've taken a little break to refresh my mind & what i want. i may be at ground zero, but i never lost or gave away my hopes, my faith in GOD, & my dreams... i've been thinking about enrolling back in college, of course getting a job, buying a used car, raising some money for that "get-away"... one thing i'm missing though... my "clyde".
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tired
pleased
horny
stressed
mellow
blank