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[26 May 2004|12:30am] So Ashlee is in town, yay! We're going to Chuckie Cheese tomorrow with Jacob and Kaitlyn and Jacobs little friends. Can't believe he's graduating pre-school, little shit is getting too big! Lily is getting big, but getting so damn pretty. Went to the Smurf night at Dream, mmmm goood fucking night I gotta say. Saw lots of people, met lots of people, same ol same ol shit that happens at parties. Matt spent the weekend here as well, was fun, didn't fight at all, which was good. He wants to get us a mutual girlfriend. We've talked about two people, one who has a boyfriend, and one who Matt doesnt think will be up for it. But they are both cool people. I think it could be fun, but there WILL be limits set. anyways theres not too much more to say, I'm out of words at th moment. Oh yeah this semester I got an A in speech, B in Psychology, C in English, and C in music. Everything but English was fair, as I got VERY unfairly graded on a paper, and it was a huge dent in my grade. My professor was VERY rude in what he said, but oh well. It dropped my GPA to a 3.25 but thats okay, its still above a 3.0 which I am trying to maintain. post comment

Smurfin baby! [24 May 2004|01:30am] Went to the Smurf party at Dream and Amsterdams this weekend, and god damn what a fun time that was. Met some insanely cool people, first club night that felt like a party, had one hell of a vibe that I haven't gotten in ages........ soooooo fucking cool! Frankie Bones kicked ass as well, mmmm good music all around. Decided I want to publish a book of poems. I'll be working on that. Anyways, got a docs appt at 9 so I must be getting to bed, night to whoever is reading this. post comment

[12 May 2004|10:56pm] So lately things haven't really been exciting, just school, dancing, being with friends, but nothing too exciting. Lily is getting big, I look at her and realize how big she's getting all the time. Ashlee will be in town soon, I cant believe Devin will be graduating, my god I remember him being in 6th grade when I met Ashlee, maybe even 5th, it's kind of scary....... but hell I also remember being taller than him, and suddenly I'm up to his shoulders! Time flies. Anyways theres not much more to say, so im out. post comment

Emotional Dancing Release [09 May 2004|10:31pm] [ mood | indescribable ] Last night, just wow. I am in such a content state of mind right now because of last night. I went to Zero gravity, and here is a post I put on the FreeSpyrit board because of it...... This is going to be long, and sort of an emotional outlet, but i hope some of you feel the same......... Last night was probably one of the most intense experiences of my life from dancing and music, for many reasons. I danced my ass of last night. And not my usual "Im dancing because I do love to dance," but I felt a connection with the music that I haven't felt in so, so long. I danced with my eyes closed, felt the music, saw the music, and the vibe of the others there last night combined gave me a high greater than anything I've felt in so long, and yes, I was 100% sober. My friends that were there made me feel "myself" again, and as some of you know, I've been through so much shit this past year that has changed me and altered the way I am. I became a mother, which was a gift and I can not thank God enough every day for this beautiful life that I get to hug and kiss everyday. I was diagnosed with depression, and thats been hard, because I did not want to accept that. I found out 4 days ago that I have cervical cancer cells, and although they can remove all of the cells without chemo, that is scary to live with, and to know I will always need to go through this for the rest of my life. I have met so many people since my daughter was born that have graced me with something that I can honestly say I never had before, and that is true friendship. All of you, some of you more than others just because of some times weve had together, are my friends, and I dont call just anyone my friend. Everyone of you have a small part in making me who I am, and I thank you for it. Music is my life, and the people that are able to dance beside me and smile when we both know in our hearts that together, us and the music, and the people around us, THAT is true happiness. I looked around last night at some people, Paulo and Laz in particular, and just damn, it made me smile to know that what I was feeling, I know they were feeling too. It was just awesome. At one point of the night I started dancing and was so into the dancing that I danced as I never had before. My body hurt, I was tired, but the music still moved me. Last night was such an emotional release, and I am so glad that I got to share it with some of the people from this board, and talk to some of you and get to know you all better, see old friends, and hey, I even wore candy! It was just awesome. Seeing the dedication in Omar, and talking to him realizing how blind he is, and how he is such an amazing DJ, it made me want to cry, it seriously did. There is a place in my heart for musical dedication like that, its just sick and awesome. Last night I felt something I havent felt in so long, and it revived my faith in music, before I was ready to stop partying just because I was SO SICK of some stuff, but now? Never. I will always love the music, I will always love dancing, and I will always love those that I call my friends. With that, Im out. I put that post up because damn, what a fucking amazing night. I had so much fun, was dead tired, but was just in awe of the music, the people, and most of all, Omar and Spacegirl. Vlada rocked, got to meet and talk to her, she has a pretty accent, a very cool chick indeed. And omar, wow, hes amazing. I cant believe how good he is and how blind he is, its dedication, and a love to the extreme. It was just awesome. That's all I can say, no words can describe how good of a mood im in from last night, while completely sober, and partying it up. It was fun... more than that. Today was awesome for Mothers day, I am so happy that my beautiful little angel is here, and I got to spend the day with her. She is my true angel, a gift, and what I feel for that little girl is more than love, I dont know the word, but it's an emotion that I have never felt. I just love her, and I hope she knows that, well I know she knows that, but when she gets older I'll be damn sure to tell her how much I love her all the time. I found out I have cervical cancer/dysplasia, which sucks, but it's stage 1 and there is almost a 100% guarantee to remove all the cells with 1 of two options. I just need to watch myself. It's shocking, as Im very young but I'm okay, im strong, I know that everything will be okay, and that's all I need. Even if anything happened, as a hysterectomy is procedure with later stages, I have my daughter and although I do want more kids, Lily is enough of a gift that if shit did happen, I have her, and thats all I will ever need to get through anything. So Im optimistic, no use getting worked up over something, it will do more harm than good if I do that. Anyways, im out. post comment

Runaway Train [04 May 2004|11:21pm] [ music | Soul Asylum - Runaway Train ] Call you up in the middle of the night Like a firefly without a light You were there like a blowtorch burning I was a key that could use a little turning So tired that I couldn't even sleep So many secrets I couldn't keep Promised myself I wouldn't weep One more promise I couldn't keep It seems no one can help me now I'm in too deep, there's no way out This time I have really led myself astray Runaway train never going back Wrong way on a one-way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Can you help me remember how to smile Make it somehow all seem worthwhile How on earth did I get so jaded Life's mysteries seem so faded I can go where no one else can go I know what no one else knows Here I am just drowning in the rain With a ticket for a runaway train And everything seems cut and dry Day and night, earth and sky Somehow I just don't believe it Bought a ticket for a runaway train Like a madman laughing at the rain A little out of touch, a little insane It's just easier than dealing with the pain Runaway train never comin' back Runaway train tearin' up the track Runaway train burnin' in my veins Runaway but it always seems the same Love that fucking song. Kind of explains a lot now. Well, found out Im in stage one of Dysplasia, which is cervical cancer. Blah. But I'll be okay, and Im optimistic since both treatments have a very high success rate of removing all cells. I asked Matt to bring lily home early sunday for MOTHERS DAY and he gets mad. WTF? I dont know. I just dont know. And im not telling him about the cervical cancer because I dont want him pulling this "oh I care about you" bullshit all of the sudden. Ill tell him when its right for me, not for him. He hasnt asked about my depression, fuck, I have felt better these past 2 weeks than I have in MONTHS, and I am TRULY feeling good about myself, who I am, not just because of what Im doing, but because Im finally able to see past darkness and pain, and thats something I havent been able to do in a long time. But he hasnt asked. It sucks. But I cant make him care, and I wont make someone care that doesnt want to. My friends have proved themselves to me lately, and if I call you my friend, you must know I hold you with high regards as there are very few people now that have even remotely shown interest in my life lately. Aquintences, I know many, but friends I have few, and thats fine with me. Anyways im out, want to be in a good mood tonight, smile, and look forward to the weekend...... Omar santana, SpaceGirl, my first mothers day with Lily, and just being happy that hell, shit happens quickly but in the meantime, live life, and cherish what you have. post comment

GRRRRRRRRR [04 May 2004|12:59am] Matt so fucking confuses me. WTF? I dont even know anymore. As for X, talked to him some, told him that yes I do like him, but I dont feel its mutual. Bah. Grrr. We shall see. I cant wait for Omar Santana, hell yea baby, :) post comment

Paradox [29 Apr 2004|04:01pm] [ mood | accomplished ] Feeling better in many ways, due to a lot of things. Reality? Things are MUCH better between Matt and I. I don't know what it is, but we haven't fought in what, a week now? At least? That's fucking amazing. We are also civil, if not loving again when we see each other. We're getting there, slowly, but possibly getting there. Heaven is tomorrow, yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Not much to write now, overloaded with school. So Im off to homework. Laters. post comment

Paradox [29 Apr 2004|04:01pm] [ mood | accomplished ] Feeling better in many ways, due to a lot of things. Reality? Things are MUCH better between Matt and I. I don't know what it is, but we haven't fought in what, a week now? At least? That's fucking amazing. We are also civil, if not loving again when we see each other. We're getting there, slowly, but possibly getting there. Heaven is tomorrow, yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Not much to write now, overloaded with school. So Im off to homework. Laters. post comment

A path.... chapter.... Starting over... Thoughts [24 Apr 2004|01:11am] So Matt came over last night........ and just hmmm.... is all I can say. I don't know what else to say anymore. But onto happier things......... I am meeting more and more people that just kick ass. Someone, let's call him "X" just for the sake of not naming anyone. I know who he is, and if others know that fine. But I'll let them ask me rather then just read about X. Well X, has sparked my attention some. Not in a sense of I want to date him, because I don't. Right now I don't want ANYTHING like that. But I find myself being happy to talk to him. X is just someone that I would like to get to know more, as friends, because he is a very cool person. I felt the attraction when I met him. It was in his eyes and I liked it a lot. I have also found that all old interests, even in my far past, have diminished. I guess it's a starting over point for me. Seeing things in a new light. It made me think of last weekend, and how I wish to take that back. But I live with no regrets, so that is fine. It's just an old, old old thought re-surfaced and I saw that it was true, and that's okay. I've learned, moved on, and whatever happens in the future happens, in the past...... well it's already done. Die and let be. And im closing that chapter in my book of life. Time for a new one. Can't wait for Heaven so I can see old friends and support Scott. Lily is doing better, shes not as sick as before. Sometimes I miss Matt, but right now, I don't know what the answer is. All I know is that I need to be happy, Matt needs to be happy, we need to be their for our daughter. That is all that matters. Whatever it takes to achieve that, I can do. Might be hard, but nothing in life really is easy. In conclusion, Im hoping that the path I want to start on is one thats good for me, and Lily, and Matt. My friends are there with me, my new strength I have never known to be there is there with me, and I know I am becoming the person I need to be. And that is all I can do. post comment

Thinking of Evans [22 Apr 2004|04:15pm] Found a picture today of Evans, Meghan, Chelsea and I at a Dancesafe event. Kind of took me back a little, forgot I had that picture, and I really forgot about that party. It just made me think of him, the last conversation we had...... how I sometimes wish I did call that girl for him. I know it was deemed to not be a suicide, but still the thought remains. And why was he doing heroin? I just don't know. Just thinking....... but it's all good, I can still smile about a lot. I miss him joing around, and the way he looked at Meg, it was just happiness. The last time I saw him in person was last March. Why didn't I go say hello? I'm just mad at myself. Of course I couldnt have known, but still. Anyways, just thinking of him........ remembering......... as I always will. See you in time. post comment

Hmmm [20 Apr 2004|02:46pm] Matt's coming over later.... I guess he wants to see Lily. He calls me at 330 last night saying he misses me but basically, we feel the same. We don't see each other. We don't hang out. We don't talk. We never get along. We are having fun without each other. He doesn't want to be with me for a lot of reasons, as the same is for me. Blah. Blah. and more Blah. post comment

Spiderweb [19 Apr 2004|10:44pm] Just remembered something I wanted to write about..... something I thought about driving the other day. Lately I can sum up the events in my life to a spiderweb. I have many central points... or events that cause a huge outword web that is seemingly all connected to each other... although it may not seem like it. For example, one central event is me losing my sense of self. So much happened from that, I thought I lost a lot. So part of this web is lost friends, bad events, hurtful words. But then I DO go out and find myself, a better me, and beautiful, new things happened from there, creating a new central point on the web. I have become stronger, independant, and relying on myself, but that's not a bad thing. I've met some beautiful people that I can honestly see them become good friends. At least they are people I would always like to remember. David... a beautiful guy in my class who highly intrigues me.....Scott.... who is becoming a nice person to talk to and I look forward to talking to him in the future. And if you are reading this Scott, keep your head up, I'll be there for ya.... even if things do suck for you right now. Keep your head up for yourself, or at least your daughter. We both know that a parents love can conquer all, and I know that that love will keep you going, no matter what happens. So don't be sad.... but if you are, I have an open ear day or night. Don't ever be afraid to call me. Shari.... I always enjoy seeing her... fun to hang with and she's gotten me to talk to people from my past as well as new people, that I truly see amazing people in. Katie.... known her for a bit but she's a good girl. I'd like to stay in touch with her for years to come... I highly enjoy talking to her as she doesn't only listen, she HEARS what I say. Nate... always loved that kid to death, always will. I hope he finds happiness, he made me very happy for a long time. But we were both young, stupid, and on different levels. Even now, I still love him as aprotective older brother to see my through the hardships, and I need to realize he'll be there. I don't give him enough credit. I could go on. Everyone in my life right now is playing a part in this intricate spiderweb. Someday I'll reach the end of my web but I know, and I am VERY content with knowing that when that day comes, I can look back on a web that holds no regrets. Sometimes I may say I regret stuff but I can't. Everything leads up to where I am now, if something in my past didn't happen, who would I be now? I wouldn't be who I am today... and I am happy with who I am. I'm Jenn.... Meeko... Me..... Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend...... I am lots of other things but whatever you think I am, oh well. I know who I am now, and who I am to becoME. post comment

Small World [19 Apr 2004|10:27pm] I met Akito at Dream this weekend. Found out he posts on the boards. Tonight I'm chillin in a chatroom, and guess who I talk to? Akito himself! Weird how I just talked about him the other day, and wow, there we talk. It's odd. Scott has to go back for tests to see how his cancer is doing. My thoughts and prayers are with him, he is a pretty cool guy, hope he is okay...... and *if* anything happens, I'll be a friend through that as well. But I sure hope that doesn't. Hopefully Gabe is okay too. Sucks that his cancer is back, he is one damn intelligent kid... :( Lily has the croup. Kinda mad, Matt knew she was sick but not that sick. He should of taken her to the doctor. Heard this song sung by Kelly Clarkson, it's pretty and I like it a lot. Beautiful Disaster He drowns in his dreams An exquisite extreme I know He's as damned as he seems And more heaven than a heart could hold And if I try to save him My whole world could cave in It just ain't right It just ain't right Oh when I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful, Or just a beautiful disaster? His magical myth As strong as what I believe A tragedy with More damage than a soul should see And do I try to change him? So hard not to blame him Hold on tight Hold on tight Oh cuz I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful, Or just a beautiful disaster? I'm longing for love and the logical But he's only happy hysterical I'm waiting for some kind of miracle Waitin' so long So long He's soft to the touch But frayed at the end he breaks He's never enough And still leaves more than I can take Oh cuz I don't know I don't know what he's after But he's so beautiful Such a beautiful disaster And if I could hold on Through the tears and the laughter Would it be beautiful, Or just a beautiful disaster? He's beautiful Such a beautiful disaster Mmm anyways off to wait for Scott to sign online, I'm bored and want to talk. Peas. post comment

Cont. in You. [18 Apr 2004|08:05pm] Katie said Matt didn't roll, and actually talked a lot about us last night. She said he had some misconceptions about us.... and she stood up for me, especially about Leslie saying I smoked. He still doesn't believe me, but what can I do? Leslie was FUCKED up from what I heard last night... kind of makes sense though. Katie said Matt wants to work things out, and thinks they are. To me it's an image. He ignores things, and I just don't bother. I barely talk to him... or see him. To me... I care but I don't. It's hard. I've decided to talk to David.... want to get to know him as afriend. As I said in other entries, there is no sexual attraction but he is a beautiful person..... something is drawing me to him I can't ignore. I want to embrace a possible new friendship with him. I might go to Wish this weekend, not sure, but anyways, going to go and tend to lily. She has a pretty bad cold and doesn't feel good at all. post comment

Feelings amiss [18 Apr 2004|03:30pm] Just a second ago I wanted to write...... but now my thoughts are stuck. Well let's see, went and saw Justin last night, always enjoy hanging out or talking with him.... also enjoy the area near his house. I wish there was prettier places to drive near here, but there's not. Or perhaps I just haven't found anything yet? Matt went to Transit last night.... I have an intense feeling that he rolled. I felt it last night, but more so today. He even hung up on me when I woke up this morning to sy I'm on my way. His sister said that he said he didnt want to talk, he's sleeping, which he gets overly tired after her rolls. Then he said he helped Leslie get a pill, but then he said "Katie also helped Leslie get a pill for........ (pause) her..... she wanted another." It almost seemed as if he was going to say "me" instead of "her." I didn't really stay to talk though, I just left. I didn't want to get myself in a bad mood, I didn't want to really deal with his BS, to honestly tell the truth. Anyways more to write later. post comment

Thoughts, emotions, decisons? [17 Apr 2004|05:05pm] A lot has happpened in my mind, but not in my life. (and pardon if this doesn't make sense too much or the spellings wrong, I'm a little bit drunk.) I have come up with some decisions that have come across indirectly. First off, there is this guy in my class that has got to be the most intriguing, BEAUTIFUL person I have ever met. He is gorgeous in spirit and body, but the attraction is not sexual. He is from the Caribbean, and has the most awesome accent I have ever come across. His demeanor is just amazing, he is intelligent as hell, and he just makes me awestruck when he talks. I am simply infatuated with his spirit..... I would love to get to know him better, I can forsee us talking about things on a much deeper level then I could with mant others I know. He is also very different than others I come across....... I don't know, this person is just such a beatiful person. I find myself timid when talking to him, he is someone that does not look down upon others, but he still makes me feel like i can't add up to him...... he is just on another level, a much deeper, spiritual level. But he is one person that I'd always like to remember, no matter what happens, if we talk again, we don't, whichever it may be, Last night at Dream something occured to me whikle talking to someone I met. Matt and I are NOT good for each other right now. We need a break. I want us to work out, but, right now, it's not going to happen. We hid things with smiles and Lily, which isnt good. We just bury things as they go along, and as it always happens, the dirt is going to blow away and the problem will still always be there. The more dirt that piles up, the more that the problem will be deeper and deeper, untill one day it blows up and surfaces, 10x stronger than it was. I talked to this person last night and there was no sexual attraction, but an attraction towards being free in general. I need to be free, to talk to others without worrying about Matt. Without hurting Matt. This person was rolling and I was sober, and he laid down in my lap. Normally I'd sit and talk and be a friend and mess with him on another level, not sexual, not flirting, but just as I always would to someone rolling, but I was held back. I think he knew since he kept asking what was on my mind. I couldn't say, out of fear? wonder? I don't know. But something insde me made me want to just break out, and be myself. As I was before. I don't want to answer to anyone but myself, and Lily. I am proud of who I am to her. That's all i can do. I remember talking to Matt for hours when we lived apart. Now it's a few minutes every day. I'm becoming my old self. I'm talking to others without feeling like I'm two people, Matt and I. I meet people that see me for me, THEN they learn that I'm with someone. They know me first, then they know Matt through me. I am reading more, which I haven't done lately. I'm writing, and it's not sad, depressing stuff, it's me looking at things on a whole new dimension and feeling GOOD for what I write..... even if it is sad. I thought about Garrett the other day, and I realized, I am finally at peace with him. I have said my words to him, and I shall see him again someday. I feel good about him, and I hope he feels the same. I still love and miss him, but I am at peace...... as I hope he's the same. I'm listening to others, and being a friend to them, without worrying about my own life. Lately I've been stuck in my own world of despair, I haven't done that. But now I am, and it's good. I'm connecting and accepting others no matter what. I try to always be that way, but looking back, I didnt open myself up much with Matt. Sure I met people, but they were OUR friends. Not my friend or Matt's friend, or both of our friends, just our friend. Like Katie and Grady, for awhile they were our friend, someone we both talked to. Now we still talk to her, but we've opened up and become seperate friends with her. Anyways, that's me lately. And I'm happy with that :) post comment

Contd. [12 Apr 2004|08:57pm] Ok, so now I have a bit of time. So here has been my chaotic schedule lately....... Went to dream last Friday again, and that was a night I seriously, seriously needed. Had some awesome, awesome conversations with people, met some cool people, and was the first time in a long time I felt as if I was truly "myself." I came out of the shell that I created while I was with Matt and went out and was social, WITHOUT Matt and without feeling like I had a duty to someone else. It was great, the people I met were great, and I am very much so looking forward to next week. School. Hmmm... can't wait for Summer, I love school, but I'm looking forward to the break. It is something much much much needed. As for friends at school, been talking to many and breaking out of that shell as well. With that said, with Matt and I away from each other, I'm becoming myself again,. I'm not pissed off all the time. I'm happy, I'm having fun, and meeting people that I can see be good friends in the future, and it's been a good thing. I have come to grips with myself, and what needs to be done in my life. I was diagnosed with PPD, which actually showed big hints since Lily was born, but I didn't admit it, or accept it. Now I can, and will be talking to someone and working things out. That was a big step for me to take, as I had this "I'm better than that attitude" and "I won't succumb to that." But now I will be working through what needs to be done, which should have been done long ago. Better late then never though, right? Had a big discussion on religion the other day, and I am very, very set in Jewish beliefs. I am contemplating attending synogogue, because I do want to learn more about my religion, and what else I agree/don't agree with. It's just strange that my parents NEVER pushed religion on me, I basically grew up in a two-religion household, but they never ever pushed their beliefs on me, but I have very very set Jewish beliefs. Everything I've researched re-affirms that, since everything I believe does fall within that religion. But organized religion does piss me off sometimes, which is why I am sketchy about attending services. I am dead set in what I believe, and no one can change that. Anywho's, things are doing better, as you may tell. But I need to eat, so I'm off. Later! post comment

:) [12 Apr 2004|10:11am] Haven't updated as much lately, just too much shit going on that I'm figuring out for myself to really sit down and type out what's been going on. But anyways, Matt situation seems to be getting better, but still unclear, and not sure if it will ever be clear. WEnt to Seth's baptising the other day, it re-affirms my faith that I do NOT want to be baptised...... didn't agree with what they said. But that is fine if he and anyone else believes that faith. BTW I'm holding Lily and she's trying to type, so here is a message from her : ....;' [bbbbbbb cc vv fkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj8omnnnnnnnnnnnnnyy mmmmmmmmmmmmm bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb ANYWAYS! The little wiggle worm is making it hard to type, will come back later today and update the journal, have lots to write about and I'd like to have some time to write it out, but right now I can't :) And for anyone reading this, make yourself known, i get bored during the week, give me an email sometime at drumdatbass@aol.com PEAS! post comment

Yeah, right [06 Apr 2004|01:27pm] So much for liking Matt's friends. That's down the drain right now. I get a call at 2am from Matt, saying his friends said I smoked when pregnant, and many of them saw me. WTF?!?! I would NEVER do that. They said "They may have been stoned/drunk, but they know what they saw." So Matt doesn't believe me. That's just bullshit, I never even TOUCHED a cigarette pregnant. Pisses me off to no end, so right now I am NOT happy with them at all. post comment

Dream and Dreams [05 Apr 2004|05:28pm] Went to Dream the other day, I liked it a lot, felt very much like tracks, I cant wait to go again :) As for dreams, what a fucked up dream I had last night. I remember bits and pieces, but in no sequential order. I remember sitting in an RX-7 and talking about the RX-8's and how one of my friends had one. Then I was talking about Derricks RX-7 and how its gorgeous. That's all I remember of that part. Then I remember sitting in a lounge chair talking to someone, I kept calling him John but it was Lewks characteristics, and the John I know and Lewk look NOTHING alike, and although I dont remember what we were talking about, I remember just going to the bathroom everytime I didnt like a question or something that was asked. I also remember something about Dream, and wanting to roll but wouldn't. Noe that I'm putting this down, I'm getting some possible answers. I am not sure about the RX-7 ordeal, as for one, I dont know anyone with an RX-8. But as for the chair situation, I know I've been avoiding questions from many people, or acting as if nothings wrong. I have been talking to Lewk, and a little bit into Matt and I. I do know that Matt was upset about the sushi thing, and John was there. So maybe it's an unconcious thought that I'm answering to Lewk, but not Matt, about going out and seeing others, and running away from the problem at hand. Seems like a good fit. As for Dream, it now makes sense. I am so far turned off by drugs right now its not even funny. I dont know how ill be around others who are rolling. But I did go to Dream and was just remembering the old Tracks, and good memories, none of rolling but many memories tripping. Maybe another thought that I'm in places that are tempting, but I wont give in. Makes me wonder if I should party, or if I've reached a different level of partying, where now I dont even want to be around anyone fucked up. I'll write more if I remember more. post comment

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