| i want to die |
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| 11:32am 11/08/2003 |
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mood:  discontent
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`work sucks so badly. they treat me like a fucking kid and criticize everything i do. yet at the same time i have to talk to customers about stuff i dont know about and make orders when i dont know how to. on top of that all my friends are gone. I want to lie in the middle of the street and let a bus hit me. I'm so miserable. So hopelessly miserable. I botched an order I think and I'm going to hear it, what do I know about wood specifications and all that. WHAT DO I KNOW???? I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN AND ENJOY MY LAST YEAR OF TEENHOOD!!!!!!!!! FUCK MY FAMILY! FUCK THEM!! |
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| eh |
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| 10:29am 03/08/2003 |
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mood: sad
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| someone please kill me |
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| 09:03am 02/08/2003 |
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mood:  crushed
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someone please kill me. I may not be stuck in a hellacious boarding school like Gen is, but I'm stuck spending 6 out of 7 days either at my cousin's house or at his oppressive store. I'm supposed to run this whole thing. I'm 19!!!! WHY DOES EVERYONE FORGET THAT? I act very mature but nobody in my family has paid attention to how I felt in a long long time. It's no wonder I'm emotionally an 8yr old. I want to die so badly, I hope I get hit by a car on Hylan Blvd. |
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| Never |
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| 03:40pm 22/07/2003 |
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I've been thinking the past few days while I've been at work. Work is oppressive as hell by the way and it's consumed my life. I have two sides, a rational and an emotional side. Yesterday I called somebody who my emotional side sees as my only hope: Tammy. She's engaged to someone else. I've snapped. My emotional side has totally fuckin' lost it. So both sides sat down and discussed the matter. They've reached consensus: I will never actively pursue a female ever again. Exclamation Point, Period, whatever youwant to put in the end. There's nobody out there for me. I'm too emotionally damaged for even my friends to handle. Since working this hellishly long job, I've been cut off from the world. I think I'll keep it that way. I no longer will believe when people say I'm "wonderful" or similar compliments. I refuse to believe them. I am unworthy of womankind so it seems, so I will stay alone. I will hate the world. I will hate it severely. There is nothing good this fuckin planet and it's fuckin people can offer me except a career in comic books. I don't fucking want anything else. Keep your ideas of love and togetherness to yourselves. I need not these frivilous things to survive. I need nothing save myself, and what's left of my sanity (not much). In other words: Fuck Love and Fuck this planet. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Life update |
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| 11:07pm 13/07/2003 |
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mood: depressed
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I'm working for my cousin at his flooring company thing. It's a small business. I run most of the stuff. I don't expect to get paid much. I work Mon - Sat. 10 - 6 usually. 3 - 4 Hours round trip travel. I work about 8 hours a week, travel about 18 - 24 hours. Essentially I'm working and traveling 64 hours tops. About 3 - 4 pure days of travel and work. People online don't talk to me when I rarely appear online. I'm away from home for 12 hours. I just wish people could say hi, or just acknowledge me. I'm depressed like hell and my parents give me shit for a billion things when I come home. I wish they'd shut up. SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME BE. Stupid parents. Gen is still in camp. I haven't written to her or anything, I feel bad about that. Gen if you read this, I'll try to get out of work when you come back, 1 or 2 days. I'll try as hard as I can. I'm miserable, nobody wants to change that. So I'm just going to become bitter and say fine, I'll deal with it alone. |
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| Life update |
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| 11:07pm 13/07/2003 |
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mood: depressed
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I'm working for my cousin at his flooring company thing. It's a small business. I run most of the stuff. I don't expect to get paid much. I work Mon - Sat. 10 - 6 usually. 3 - 4 Hours round trip travel. I work about 8 hours a week, travel about 18 - 24 hours. Essentially I'm working and traveling 64 hours tops. About 3 - 4 pure days of travel and work. People online don't talk to me when I rarely appear online. I'm away from home for 12 hours. I just wish people could say hi, or just acknowledge me. I'm depressed like hell and my parents give me shit for a billion things when I come home. I wish they'd shut up. SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME BE. Stupid parents. Gen is still in camp. I haven't written to her or anything, I feel bad about that. Gen if you read this, I'll try to get out of work when you come back, 1 or 2 days. I'll try as hard as I can. I'm miserable, nobody wants to change that. So I'm just going to become bitter and say fine, I'll deal with it alone. |
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| Best Friend |
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| 12:01pm 30/06/2003 |
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mood: lonely
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It's been 3 days since she left. Maybe 2, I haven't seen her since Friday. I miss her. She's one of the most important people in my life. After camp, she's here for 4 days until she goes to boarding school. I don't have a best friend anymore... my emotional maturity is that of a 4 yr old. I like having constants in my life. I haven't had that. It's something I have to move past. I miss you Gen. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| Broken |
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| 10:24pm 25/06/2003 |
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mood: crushed
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I'm never safe in my parent's apartment. I don't want to live with them anymore. I really don't. My mom's best friend's son Raymond is this bastard, he always pulls shit and I get mad at him. I get blamed by my mom. I have shit to do, important shit, yet I have to be responsible for them. They left such a huge mess, that I had to overhaul my whole room yesterday, which I did. My dad condescended to me and my mom said she could clean my room in a second. I OVERHAULED MY FUCKIN ROOM, GIVE ME SOME CREDIT YOU ASSHOLES. In the shuffle to get rid of Raymond and co's mess, I lost some vital documents. Now I have to go up to my college and pay my phonebill, ask Purchase to send my transcript, and pray Hunter accepts me with my 1.88 gpa. A lot of yelling and arguing happened tonight, I am burnt out and if someone shot me dead, I honestly wouldn't give a fuck. |
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| They took of Kane's mask |
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| 12:56pm 24/06/2003 |
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mood:  enraged
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Kane, the only wrestler I truly looked up to and liked. Kane. the only character who I could really relate to. Kane, the most kick ass wrestling character in the past 4 yrs, is dead. They took off his mask. I'm never going to watch wrestling again. I swear it. They've ruined it for me. Are you happy Vince MacMahon? You took one of the only reasons I watched wrestling and destroyed it. Fuck You Vince, Fuck You. |
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| Today |
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| 01:12am 22/06/2003 |
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mood:  amused
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Today was Angel's party celebration thingy. He's 19. I spent time with most of his family for the first time. I even played with the baby twins he lives with. I've grown attached to them, I do that. In that respect I'm most childish, my need for permanence. Nothing in my life has been permanent, bad or good. That's really difficult. I have semi-stability now, but I need that one constant, kids in the family, a gf, something that can last. Right now, I don't have that. I'm not complaining about it, some people suffer the same problem or worse. I just want to point out the glaringly obvious. Anyway, I had a lot of fun, playing with Brandan (the 3 yr old kid) made me understand the value of life more. It made me wish for someone of my own to take care of, not just somebody else's kids. It's too late for me and my brother, he's a pre-teen now. Eh, emotional voids aside, life is life. After these people leave on Tuesday, I'm going to go back to each of the places I gave a resume and ask them why they haven't called. |
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| A lot is happening |
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| 02:45am 19/06/2003 |
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mood:  shocked
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Trust, I've had a few people trust me. My parents don't trust me. Nobody's parents trust their kids. Parents are comfortable around me. I complain a lot. I'm unsure of my paths. I've never been sure, I've been afraid and anxious about life. I try to be as big hearted as I can, I end up being intrusive. I'm just upset. I want to know what am I supposed to. I'm supposedly talented.
I listen to people, I help them. I like to write, I like to dream, I want to fly. I want to be able to express myself. The problem? Humanity and the reality it's created for itself.
My biggest gripes with the people around me are greed and intolerance. I come from a very conservative background, but I also come from a Catholic family. I do love the people I know, well the women in my life. They're great confidants and friends. I guess that explains the never going to date. At this rate, every female near my age will be my friend, instead of dating me. I'm just unworthy of love, I don't have that intangible thing needed to step it up to another level.
I fail constantly. I just wish I knew what to do, with myself, with my talent, with my friends, etc etc. Instead of wishing for someone to love me, because that doesn't matter.
Eh, maybe I'll gain some perspective or something someday. |
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| Death to Me |
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| 01:47pm 16/06/2003 |
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Death to Me, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be away from all the problems in my life, away from my parents, away from my name change, away from my obsession with love. Love is B.S., it never chooses me. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Death to Me |
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| 01:47pm 16/06/2003 |
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Death to Me, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be away from all the problems in my life, away from my parents, away from my name change, away from my obsession with love. Love is B.S., it never chooses me. |
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| Death to Me |
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| 01:47pm 16/06/2003 |
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Death to Me, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be away from all the problems in my life, away from my parents, away from my name change, away from my obsession with love. Love is B.S., it never chooses me. |
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| Death to Me |
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| 01:47pm 16/06/2003 |
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Death to Me, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be away from all the problems in my life, away from my parents, away from my name change, away from my obsession with love. Love is B.S., it never chooses me. |
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| Death to Me |
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| 01:47pm 16/06/2003 |
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Death to Me, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be away from all the problems in my life, away from my parents, away from my name change, away from my obsession with love. Love is B.S., it never chooses me. |
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| Death to Me |
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| 01:47pm 16/06/2003 |
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Death to Me, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be away from all the problems in my life, away from my parents, away from my name change, away from my obsession with love. Love is B.S., it never chooses me. |
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| I'm a nutcase |
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| 02:25am 16/06/2003 |
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mood:  crazy music: Tal Bachman - She's So High
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I am, I'm a shut-in nutcase who feels unworthy of the opposite sex and prays to be forgiven for some unremembered crime I've committed. |
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| Tired and thinking |
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| 01:29am 16/06/2003 |
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mood:  grumpy music: Eminem - Hailie's Song
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I don't know. My life is empty. I just want a female prescence in my life. It's more comforting and life is easier. I need a mature prescence though. My friend Angel's girlfriend is just a bit too irritating. I just want someone to be able to hang out with who can understand me. That right now is only the Princess. She's got her own stuff goin on. I just want some presence in my life. I miss Vicky, I don't know. I don't have a job, I wish I did. I gotta get somethin going. I'm about to go through my hardest and lonliest time. No college, possibly no job. I'm scared, I'm ready, I'm insecure. I complain all the time, but this truly is going to be different. My life is at a huge crossroads, something I wish I didn't have to go through. I'm goin nuts. I need to get this job thing over with. I need fuckin Purchase to send out my transcripts. I need to be back in school soon. I need my life to come together, NOW. All my friends have somethin goin on for them.
Angel's got his gf and that job at SoF he can run to. Vicky has a job. Bethany has a job. Most of them have healthy social lives. Gen's goin away, on and off, until September, when she goes away for good. I don't have much of an organizing presence in my life. I wish things would fall into place already. I'm stuck for now because my mom's friend's kids, Raymond and Ammy, are here on vacation. Sucks to be me right now. Eh, I've got a good head and a broken heart, both good for writing. I'm too deep for my own fuckin good. It'll balance out eventually. |
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| Random Thoughts |
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| 03:14am 15/06/2003 |
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mood:  blah
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I am here not for personal glory,
I am here not to sow my wild oats.
I am here to defend those I love.
I am here to fight for what I believe in.
I am here to succeed.
I am here because my father wanted a child.
I follow his footsteps, unfortunately.
I am afraid, of becoming him, of being alone.
I haven't the faith in God that he posesses.
I am a simple, small person, trying to be big.
I am a lost child, looking for home.
I am a lonely soul, looking for it's mate.
I am a warrior, wishing for a damsel in distress.
I am a scholar, aching to reveal himself to the world.
I am a romantic, waiting for someone whom I can truly love.
Waiting for her, to ease my pain, to save me.
Waiting, but never finding her.
I am here because I am afraid to die.
I am here because I do not truly live.
I am here because I have to be.
I am.
I wish I weren't.
I wish I had more.
I wish I were loved.
Wishing is for fools.
I am a fool.
Fools die in battle or in vain.
I will die in vain. |
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