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Thursday, May 8th, 2003
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1:16 pm - 'Toy aburrida.
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I felt like writing a long entry about how am I depressed and why. I feel lazy so I won't write it, instead you get this I stole from a friend (some weird questions there but, hey lets challenge ourselves and have fun with it, hehe):
1. Am I cute?
2. Am I crazy?
3. Am I lovable?
4. Am I funny?
5. Am I annoying?
6. Am I psycho?
7. Am I daring?
8. Am I a good person?
*Would You*
1. Hug Me?
2. Miss me if I was gone?
3. Listen to my problems?
4. Hug me if I cried?
5. Be a good friend?
6. Get in a fight for me?
7. Run evil social espionage missions for me?
*
1. Would you Ever go out with me?
2. If you already have, would you do it again?
3. Kiss me?
4. Marry me if you could?
5. Ever talk bad about me if we ever broke up?
6. Make out with me in a cemetery?
7. Snuggle with me?
*
1. How Well Do You Know Me?
2. When's my birthday?
3. Who is my best friend?
4. Who am I crushing on(Sounds painful)/dating?
5. Favorite color?
6. Favorite Animal?
7. Favorite song/songs?
8. Favorite music groups?
9. What song would you dedicate to me?
10. What would I use to dispatch a horde of hungry zombies?
If You Could*
1. Give me a new name, it would be?
2. Do one thing with me, it would be?
3. Drop me a piece of advice, it would be?
3. Kidnap me for a day, where would we go?
More questions...
1. What do you love about me?
2. What do you hate about me (seriously)?
3. What is my best quality?
4. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
5. What is your honest opinion about me?
6. What would you do if I sang out of tune?
*
1. what song (if any) reminds you of me?
2. Do I remind you of any characters on TV?
4. Have you ever had a dream about me?
5. Do you think I'm a virgin?
6. If you just met me how old would you guess I am?
7. Am I huggable?
8. If you could give me anything... what would it be?
9. If you could promise me anything.. what would it be?
Personal: (haha)
1. Am I ugly, average, decent, good looking, beautiful, hot, etc?
2. Do you ever think about me offline?
3. If you could describe me in one word... what would that word be?
4. Do you/have you ever had a crush on me?
5. When we first met, what were your thoughts? (if you've met/talked to me?)
6. If you had to describe to someone who I am and what I am like, what would you tell them?
7. What are my faults?
8. My strengths?
Whoever did this quiz must feel real uncomfortable about her/himself =P
current mood: I love Malice Mizer, Aaaaah!!!
current music: Malice Mizer - Gakka no Yosonkyoku
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| Friday, March 21st, 2003
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12:50 pm - My View on the World.
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I see everything and think everything so much better after all the events that happened in the past. Before I use to be so immature about everything, and when I see the people at school I see how I used to be; A retard.
People don't get me. They think I'm actually very mature (!!!) Right. I mean, I could be, I should be, I would be, I guess I am. I think everything so much before saying anything and I that hurts. I've been meaning to say something for a while now to someone but I can't find the words. Although it's not my fault to be nervous to do so, but it feels weird.
The problem with the War, damn it. I actually feel scared, I'm just worried a friend of mine that got sent over there is okay and will get back okay. Even though it won't do much here (I'm praying it won't) I just feel lucky to not be those people over there. And they haven't done anything to just be killed for no fucking reason.
I still don't get it, it started over some stupid weapons that Hitler wannabe didn't destroy? Just for that there's a war? So silly. Bush scares me, really. I see that stupid face of his and I shiver. That man's done nothing...worth thanking him for. There's the other fact for Osama Bin Laden, I haven't heard anything on him since 9/11.
Good Lord, if the fight's between Bush and Saddam, why don't they fight fist to fist? Instead of hiding like babies and let their wittle slave soldiers go into battle? WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???!!! :P
I never liked politics.
Back to my real entry: Life's just life for me. I feel that people has forgotten about me already or just don't give a damn, yeah I'm kinda sad over that, but I think I'll survive. Packed up with homework and resiving junk mail by the load and just trying to do some art work, I haven't sat down and drawn or sketch anything good (like I have done anything good anyways, jeez).
Oh well, I'll keep fucking around and see what I'll become later.
current mood:  artistic
current music: t.A.T.u. - Ya Soshla S Uma (Russian Power Mix)
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| Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
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1:43 pm - God, I just want to know why...
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After a few weeks I've been feeling kinda uncomfortable online. It's weird, but I just wish I knew what was wrong. After that stupid fight in school...people I know, instead of at least helping me out, they've kinda ditched me, don't exacly know why. During every class I get this emocional wave that makes me want to cry, since I'm in class I hold it in. I eventually get over it by people being total idiots, but in exchange it offends me.
I want to break this keyboard and hit myself with it until I loose all my stupid memory. I just can't help to think so hard on things lately that, I come out with the obvious and it makes it worse. Fuck, I don't even know why I'm writting here, I hate this place. I hate LJ, I hate the oekaki I hate all the boards I hate everything making me sad. Silly of me saying that, if I should hate something or someone it should be myself.
Even if I say all that, people just don't have any idea how painful this is, I mean, at my age, 15, fifteen of age...so much's happen with me and my life. I'm just starting, and I know the whole "tennage angst" shit. God, but why does this happen to people like me? I just want to fucking know what the hell I did to deserve it, I want to know!!
I seriously can't go to chat anymore, and if I do I get sick the minute I'm there and think to myself, "Why did I just come here?", if I'll only get depressed. Do I have some condition? a virus? a disease? what the hell's going on then? I'm in this mood where everything bugs you; you could hate anyone; you want to just dissapear.
Last night, without even thinking I burst out sobbing and crying while everyone was sound asleep. I just hugged my pillow hard and kept thinking, "why?" I found myself scared. I thought my heart was going to blow. I asked myself, why wasn't I as lucky as some people. Exacly Why does these things happen to me? Why do people hate me so much here? Why do people want to hurt me so much? Why doesn't anything go well with me?
Doesn't this sort of thing tick you off? I know it does for me.
It's been like this for a few years now, I'd say about 4 or 5, I guess I just can't take the pressure. I can't stand seing anyone happy, just becuase I'm not and I hate that becuase I want everyone to be happy, I can't kill myself becuase I really don't have a "good" reason too. I can't make a fool out of myself by crying to everyone with my problems, I find it immature, and if it isn't then, whatever. I'm so sick of being me, looking like me, sounding like me. I'm sick of it all.
current mood: ugh...
current music: The Calling - Stigmatized
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| Friday, January 31st, 2003
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2:20 pm
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| Friday, December 20th, 2002
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8:27 pm - Just what the doctor ordered!
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So great what a simple phone call can do to you.
I'm glad I got Allison in a cheerful mood again, so did I, hehe. When I heard her laugh and just joke around with me I feel this relief and just wanted to go around dancing.
I hope she realizes that she always make my day brighter and she always gets me in that funkay mood, heh. She's so great, oh my God, she's just like a blessed angel from heaven. ::blushes::
Needless to say she got caught by both her parents she just hung up giggly, which is good...I just hope everything's okay with them. I kinda feel guilty, eh.
Hehe, although we didn't talk about anything...bad? hehehe, so her parents doesn't have an excuse, whee.
Ah, well, at least I'll sleep worry-free tonight. Whee, yay!
current mood:  happy
current music: Is getting hot in here...so take off all your clothes...w00t
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1:59 pm - So different...it's troubling.
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I've been so uneasy lately. Like, I wake up everyday really stressed out, like I haven't slept in days.
I yell and get mad so easily now it bugs me. It's all coming back. Like it did a few years ago...yeah, only some know what I'm talking about...it's that damn feeling again. My feet get really numb and shake, getting lazy, always with half closed eyes, like, if I were depressed all the time.
Mom tells me at nights that Tito cries a lot, not only for his condition but for me, too. I tell her "why?", she just tells me I've been acting so mean (And I can't see how...) in personality and emotion he gets worried and that actually gets me worried myself. Have I gotten so bad? I mean, how?
If I'm known almost everywhere as the most sweetest girl around. Well, sure they don't know my life to judge it but, God, what it is?
Mom's lately talking about guys towards me. She's obviously convinsing me that they are much better to talk all day about, she thinks I'm stupid and can't see what she's saying. Ever since that stupid thing happened mom doesn't look at me the same way. Sure, she treats me fair, she's been the same as ever to me, only when it comes to my decicions she doesn't let me talk. Let her choose for me.
Dad, he doesn't care, he's been nice to me every second of his life. I just can't imagen how he'd take anything I tell him that he doesn't know...or at least I don't know if mom talks to him about that stuff.
I'm not allowed to call anyone anymore, I don't see why, I mean, I get a call from a guy and mom quicly thinks he really likes me or some shit, and won't stop bugging me until I seriously say "He's just a fucking friend, mom". When I was in 5th grade I remember I liked this guy named Domingo, not a crush...he was like my best guy friend at that time. Well, I told mom about him...
Big mistake.
She wouldn't stop talking about him, so much that I kinda got tired of even looking at him.
Mom knows things that has happen to me, yeah she knows...that's what I'm worried about. I get wprried over nothing. It's like an unexplainable worried, heh.
Mom thinks I like girls, but truth to be told, I don't. As is, I can't see myself going around saying "Oh, yeah that chick looks hott". I don't love Allison for the fact that she's a girl, I just love her becuase she's told me and cared for me so much as I do for her. I've always been that "girl that won't talk about guys for shit and pretends to like them" for my own sake. Absolutly no one here, at least at school, is homosexual, but,if you ask me about gay guys? yes, their pretty obvious in my school, I'd say only 3 guys are gay, too notisable.
I'm not against homosexuality, I'm just scared for the fact that if I become one (I wouldn't mind), everyone will reject me, as in friends, family, and well...you know.
One time, I was talking about Allison so much and calling her so much that it got to the point that mom went to my room while talking and looked at me straight in the eyes, she said "Why do you close the door to talk to girls, why? or why do you always go around and hide whenever you're talking to one? You know, Ciara look lesbian and I've already told you to stay away from her. I thought you got over that, why are you hiding things from me?"
Did I ever, in this world, mentioned I was lesbian or I liked girls? Mom knows a lot about me, obviously, she just misunderstands everything I tell her. Yes, when I was in a moment of crisis, say, ready to just kill myself, mom stood there besides me and talked to me and understood me, goddamnit, I just get so mad.
After she left my room, I opened the door just to let her know she can hear everything I talk about and not get upset. I told Allison I had to hang up. But there was a difference, I didn't like Allison back then as I do know, we were having friendly phone calls, like anyone would with a friend.
Mom came at it again, she kept telling me the same thing over again "I just get so mad whenever I see you talking to a girl, I just want to blow up" I had to cry out to convinser I didn't. Ever since then she's trust me on that...that now, I, God, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore to myself...
I have a brain, and a good one at that. I can tell when I make mitales and when I don't, and my mind's convinced that I made one, a really big one, yet it was not my fault. No, it isn't Allison that's the problem, it's another thing.
I think how my future's going to be like, I honestly don't see anything like, "I'm a poor lady, with eleven kids and my husban's cheating on me", no. I see me as a woman who's living in hell, I maybe smart, maybe responsible, maybe capable of doing whatever my eart wishes but, my emocional side's going to be hell.
Tito, I love him, I get so afraid of what might he think. Dad, oh, dad...I can't even imagen. Mom? wil probably have a fit and just convince me I'm wrong...like always.
I get so sick of that everyone thinks I'm this carefree person that doesn't have a care in the world, well, I'm not that person.
Jeez, I seriously don't know what I'm writing anymore.
I cry so much, yet I can never solve anything, why do I cry, anyway? It'll get me more depressed. I cry not to get attention (and for the fact that I like to hide when I do), I cry simply becuase my mind gets so filled with stupid ideas and crap that I just want to die, but, c'mon, I'm not like that. I can't see it happening.
You can call me crazy, stupid or whatever but, I mostly get sick of how much I weight, belive it or not I hate myself for this, for allowing myself to get to this fat. I don't go out much becuase of it, in school I don't go out and stay in becuase of it, I don't go to parties becuase of it, I just can't do anything social becuase of this fucking damn problem.
I get so scared that if Allison would see me physically she'd just...gah, whatever. Okay, fine, I'm not the fattest person alive, but it sure feels like it, at least for me. Of course I've heard of making a diet, what's stopping me? depression. That's what is.
What I'm feeling right now, I can't even put in words it's like, ugh, such a disturbing feeling. It's as if I want to sleep all day and all night and cry and sob and just wanting to go away. Sounds like a depression, right? yeah...thought so.
Wel, just to get to the point is: I just fear rejection.
And I've lived with rejection all my life. My friends reject me in a indirect way: they stop calling me, don't bother to even wave "hi" at me, nothing. I do it to them back but they just ignore me, like I wasn't even there.
And what do I do about it? walk away from it and see how it goes later. Could they be mad at something I did? or what? I just don't know.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I bleed, I feel so mad now, I just don't know. I've cleary lost about...every friend I've had just becuase I...I don't even know why they don't talk to me. I call them like any friend, I call them or visit them in holidays and give them gifts or whatever...but, what? I just get rejected the next year, I still don't know why. Or maybe I do and don't notice, perhaps they don't like me becuase I'm reserved or shy? maybe becuase I'm not such a "boricua" enough for them? What the hell? I don't care.
I hate this place for that. I hate it becuase I have to be this 100% of a puerto rican for them to like me, as in I have to have this patriot over Puerto Rico and not care for other contries, bah, I hate this place becuase they think I'm a stupid weirdo that shouldn't have been born or at least been born here.
Oh, well, I'm just feeling moody.
current mood:  indescribable
current music: t.A.T.u. - Not Gonna Get Us
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| Thursday, December 5th, 2002
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10:20 am - This again?
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Whoo, a journal to start denuevo! Thank you, Wen and Ruth.
Eh, the layout it's kinda dumb, I still think people can't read this (as in the letter's color). Maybe I'll change it later.
I haven't slept in three days...but last night I had some funkey dream involving Ruth, hehe. She was hugging everyone in some kind of beach hand out (or stand...everyone was making a line to get a hug, whoo). Everyone looked like I always pictured them...they weren't in bathing suits. And Ruth looked like that one oekaki Allison and me did of her hugging Kim, hehe.
It was such a cute dream!
Anyway, today's the last day of school!!, I'm so happy and Allison didn't have school today. Yay for snow days!!
Only 30 more minutes 'til I hafta. Hmm, let's see, all I'll be doing today is:
History - Done.
Gym - Done.
Spanish - Done.
Algebra - Take an exam.
Visual Arts - Finish a sketch.
English - Give Mr. Meléndez a paper due today and leave.
Biology - Take an exam.
Whoo, and after that no more school. And off to better and bigger things. Well, not really.
When...I'll write d33p things here...omg, bewear. ;)
current mood: content
current music: Vanessa Carlton "A Thousand Miles"
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