natlie boh's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2005-11-08 12:01
Subject:Not even music
Security:Public
Mood: stressed

So very lonely, not even the music knows me.

It's impossible to get a doctor. I don't like my GP so far, but it's so daunting to think of looking for another one. This number that work says to call, I'm going to try it during my work hours. But they close at 4 so I'm going to have to miss work to meet with them, whenever that may be. And it's not something I want to discuss over the phone. All these places I keep calling... oh it's no use. It's all so overwhelming.

Why can't I work, like everyone else? It's so hard. I hate getting up, having to be somewhere, knowing I'll be in this exact spot in 6 months, knowing that they expect me to be here in 1 year... its' too much to handle.

I really can't take much more of this. But to be on meds again? To have to choke down 8 pills a day to feel like a zombie? This should be easier.

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Date:2005-11-03 08:53
Subject:3 Days under a grand?
Security:Public
Mood: hungry
Music:I have Foo Fighters stuck in my head, does that count?

Not quite. I probably made it on Tuesday, but yesterday I totally binged and ate 4 Quesdilla rolls (pulling in about 480 calories). Also had about 10 Pringles. Ate it all so quickly, hoping it would make me sick. I almost threw up but still couldn't bring myself to do it. It's like I know that will be traumatic, and will probably be the start of a whole lot of bad shit. So for now, I just will eat less.

S has started to notice too. He's wondering why I've been so nauseous, and tired, and haven't really eaten anything. But the time is going to come where I am going to be eating around him, so then what do I do? My plan for today is, yogurt for breakfast (190), buy a salad for lunch and have Diet Coke (please GOD let it be Diet... I didn't look), and maybe an apple in the PM. Let's see what that would bring me up to: 560. That means I could have around 440 calories for dinner. That's definitely doable.

About the working out too... I really should start it up again. The unfortunate thing about not eating enough though, is that you don't have energy to do anything. I'll just have to be driven by my despisal of fat. And I've got plenty of it.

I think my mind forces me to see myself as skinnier or fatter than I really am. Maybe I really am that fat though. But when I start to lose weight, I exaggerate it too. Cuz I like instant results. Photography over painting.

But I do love my S.

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Date:2005-11-02 15:04
Subject:Day is almost over
Security:Public
Mood: lazy
Music:Nothing- at work

As I said before, here is where it starts.

You know, I kind of like that no one in the world ever reads this. Maybe it's too boring. No pictures, blah format. I don't really care; it feels good.

So I'm at work, day is almost over. Gonna go home, go to the store (maybe), eat a tiny bit of dinner (gotta stay under 1000 calories!), watch ANTM, and hit the sack. Boy has practise until 9:30 or so.

I came so close to p/ today. Ate my whole sandwich at lunch and then felt SO sick. And pissed at myself for being a glutton. It's like, I can think those things, and at the same time I think, man you're CRAZY for feeling like that. And then I feel bad that I'll never eat a real full meal again. And that my love makes me all this food and tries SO hard to make me better.

That brings me to another thing. I want to write to a songwriter I respect and see what they do about writing songs while with people. As in, writing songs about exes, about depression, about all that stuff, knowing that their partner is going to read it. S says that he won't think about it in a bad way; he wants me to write and not be selfconscious about it or worry about what he's going to say. But he doesn't really mean it. I know he wants to, but he can't. Ever since I wrote that one song about Sam. It's so hard.

Life is pretty damn hard. I wonder when my next breakdown will be. I feel so bad for S.

It's like, there's no doubt that he was made for me and vice versa, and it makes me happy. But I am a burden on him, and I have unresolved issues that I don't really want to resolve. And that's not fair to him. He tries so hard to help, and I don't. I just want to stay with him and be myself. Myself happens to be undeniably self-destructable. But I don't do the drugs anymore, not the drinking, not the bad floozy stuff, so it's just this. I can control myself with eating. Or not eating.

But back to the music. I really don't wanna practise. I just want to be good and tour.

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Date:2005-11-02 11:32
Subject:Been a long long time
Security:Public

I've been good for a long time. But now, it will all change. Bring out the red bracelet.

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Date:2004-10-06 00:35
Subject:top 5 songs about heroin
Security:Public
Mood: cold
Music:lou reed

1. needle and the damage done, neil young
2. heroin, velvet underground
3.


il come up with more later im too fucked up wright now to finshg

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Date:2004-07-14 00:54
Subject:dear mr. fantasy
Security:Public
Mood: mellow
Music:steve winwood of course

back in this old familiar place. havent done this drug in awhile and now im so glad i have. i should be going to bed but i love the high. its so pleasant and creative. and mellow and yellow at the same time. makes me want to crawl onto the floor and put on my records. i havent listened to my records in awhile.

he asked who i would choose to hook up with if i had to pick a girl. i said cameron diaz... but its hard to say now that i think about it. (he said that was a trendy choice!) ive thought about that one. but ive dreamt about charlize theron. and paris hilton. pretty interesting. ill bet even most men havent had sex dreams as hot as that. but yet in real life im not too interested in girls.

im getting pretty tired. i know my AC wont be on in my room so it will be gross. but its gross down here so it cant get much worse.

tomorrow another hard day of working. i should go up and listen to some modest mouse and hit the sack for sure.

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Date:2004-07-14 00:54
Subject:dear mr. fantasy
Security:Public
Mood: mellow
Music:steve winwood of course

back in this old familiar place. havent done this drug in awhile and now im so glad i have. i should be going to bed but i love the high. its so pleasant and creative. and mellow and yellow at the same time. makes me want to crawl onto the floor and put on my records. i havent listened to my records in awhile.

he asked who i would choose to hook up with if i had to pick a girl. i said cameron diaz... but its hard to say now that i think about it. (he said that was a trendy choice!) ive thought about that one. but ive dreamt about charlize theron. and paris hilton. pretty interesting. ill bet even most men havent had sex dreams as hot as that. but yet in real life im not too interested in girls.

im getting pretty tired. i know my AC wont be on in my room so it will be gross. but its gross down here so it cant get much worse.

tomorrow another hard day of working. i should go up and listen to some modest mouse and hit the sack for sure.

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Date:2004-07-14 00:50
Subject:dear mr. fantasy
Security:Public

back in this old familiar place. havent done this drug in awhile and now im so glad i have. i should be going to bed but i love the high. its so pleasant and creative. and mellow and yellow at the same time. makes me want to crawl onto the floor and put on my records. i havent listened to my records in awhile.

he asked who i would choose to hook up with if i had to pick a girl. i said cameron diaz... but its hard to say now that i think about it. (he said that was a trendy choice!) ive thought about that one. but ive dreamt about charlize theron. and paris hilton. pretty interesting. ill bet even most men havent had sex dreams as hot as that. but yet in real life im not too interested in girls.

im getting pretty tired. i know my AC wont be on in my room so it will be gross. but its gross down here so it cant get much worse.

tomorrow another hard day of working. i should go up and listen to some modest mouse and hit the sack for sure.

for sure im sure. are you sure?

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Date:2004-07-02 02:37
Subject:succotash
Security:Public
Mood: dirty
Music:steve winwood, my new hero

another night, another drug. another long night of waiting for the drug to kick in.

i think im going from anorexic to binge-eater. listen to what i ate at dinner last night (my parents ate out on the deck so they didnt see me, i wouldnt have eaten like this otherwise): a little bit of chicken (not a big meat fan), about a dinner-plate full of mashed potatoes (with a little gravy), and 3 corns on the cob. plus a salad. fattay...

my plan is, next week, when im housesitting, i wont really have food, so i can lose all the weight just by eating a little bit every day and maybe taking my good old diet pills again. im depending on my poverty to get me out of this fatass slump. my belly looks like that of a pregnant lady.

but on other news, i got my hair "cut" tonight. i dig it so far.

god why do i have no selfcontrol! and yet i could never admit it to anyone.

im tired of writing for now, maybe more later.

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Date:2004-06-23 02:20
Subject:in need of some help, PLEASE
Security:Public
Mood: confused
Music:sadly, nothing

im not really sure what is wrong with me. maybe someone can help me out.

the thing is, i was diagnosed as bipolar with GAD and OCD after having some serious spaz-out issues. i told the doc i cut myself, and also mentioned my occasional drug and alcohol "abuse". (never really considered it abuse, didnt do it to escape just to have fun) was prescribed to take lithium zoloft and neurontin... the doc also said that, if i were to cut again OR use drugs, he would be "forced" to tell my parents about the drugs and the cutting.

first off, does that seem FUCKED up to anyone else?

then i found out he was testing my blood for drugs, without my consent. i had to get my blood checked monthly to monitor the affects of the lithium, and i discovered an additional blood test orderded on the sheet, which my pre-med friend told me was for a basic drug scan. fucked up. so i pretty much stopped taking drugs for those reasons.

well after a year, i gradually went off the drugs, because i hated taking 9 pills a day (just the sight of the pills would make my throat close up, and if i tried swallowing them, even in food, i would gag and have to spit them out). it has now been a year since i was off of them, and technically, i have been fine (i suppose anyone who has read my past posts would disagree...) also stopped seeing the doctor (he since has sent me a handwritten letter telling me how concerned he is that i havent come in in so long... too bad i cant afford it and do NOT want to be sent to a psycho farm)

i havent had bouts of depression as i felt them before. nor have i had bouts of mania as i felt them before. in fact, no mania at all. perhaps a bit of promiscuity... but i attest that to breaking up with a long-term boyfriend and trying to figure out my own sexuality. i have not cut in about 8 months, and i didnt really get any joy from the last cut i made (which is a nasty scar that i have to see every day now). however, ive had other issues, new ones.

first, the drugs. drugs to sleep, mainly. often cant sleep without them. but now, ive been taking them (oxycodone, vioxx, ambien, diphenhydramine, dextropomorphan or whatever is in robitussin) just to get the amazing buzz/fuzz. takes a good bit of drugs to get me out. actually the last time i took oxy i took so much that i had a moment where i passed out and woke up trying to breathe and couldnt figure out where i was. so im a little afraid of that shit now. plus its my dads supply and its dwindling and im afraid hell notice.

so theres the drugs. and then theres the eating. first semester i went through a pretty rough spell, pretty much right after my boyfriend broke up with me, where i didnt eat. it started with an antibiotic i went on (erithromycin, i think, the normal stuff but apparently i am allergic to this as well as every other antibiotic ive been on), that caused me to lose my appetite. i had to take it 4 times a day, and it was quite big, which added to the loss of appetite... but also it did NOT settle wel with my stomach. i told the doctor who prescribed it and she said not to worry too much... and besides i couldnt afford the better antibiotic. so i kept taking it for 2 weeks, and hardly ate at all during that time. well that started it. i basically didnt get my appetite back after that time, and went on a strange diet. all i can really remember of it was, eating crackers sometimes, maybe a meal a day, and lots of beer. one friday when there was a big party at school, about two weeks after i had gotten off the pills, i ate a packet of crackers, and went to the party and drank like 10 beers. didnt get drunk, surprisingly (im irish what can i say) but i drank more calories than i ate. i kept this up for awhile, and wound up going from about 140 to around 120 in a few weeks. my roomies hated it, worried, and i was afraid theyd turn me in. but it doesnt help that i have to hear them bitch about their weight all the time besides it. i wanted to say, hey, at least i look better than you! and the one is a stress eater, which always pissed me off and i felt like i had to starve myself to balance it. shes fat, no doubt about it. disgusting.

so thats how its been. that starvation thing lasted about the whole semester. i thought i looked good at the time. looking back at the pictures kind of freaks me out, but i was so proud of it at the time as well. now i think im slipping back into it. ive been eating like SHIT lately, even worse ive been binging. but i cant bring myself to purge. however for the past two nights as soon as im finished dinner ive been so nauseous and had the urge to purge, so to speak. the only thing that has stopped me is i know my parents would hear and be worried. and as i dont have health insurance, getting sick or having them think im sick is not a good thing.

what i think i need is, for someone to tell me whats going on with me. just a diagnosis, not an offer to help. i dont want to be helped/changed. i think i may have relapsed into bipolar though... possibly something new, who knows. maybe im just depressed now. but i refuse to believe it. and i cant afford a doctor or medicine now anyway. nor do i want to upset my parents about it becuasei know it bothers them, especially fills my mother with such guilt.

theres the other thing, the guilt. if that damn doctor had thought for a bit more, he would have realized that telling my parents about my cutting and drugs would only aggravate the situation even more. my mother would be filled with so much guilt, and would also feel really bad about what i was goign through, which would cause me more guilt, which has generally been the cause of my cutting.

im tired of writing tonight. any response would be nice. its not that im lonely, ive got friends. but i dont really feel like they can help. sometimes anonymous help is the best.

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Date:2004-06-23 02:00
Subject:in need of some help, PLEASE
Security:Public
Mood: confused
Music:sadly, nothing

im not really sure what is wrong with me. maybe someone can help me out.

the thing is, i was diagnosed as bipolar with GAD and OCD after having some serious spaz-out issues. i told the doc i cut myself, and also mentioned my occasional drug and alcohol "abuse". (never really considered it abuse, didnt do it to escape just to have fun) was prescribed to take lithium zoloft and neurontin... the doc also said that, if i were to cut again OR use drugs, he would be "forced" to tell my parents about the drugs and the cutting.

first off, does that seem FUCKED up to anyone else?

then i found out he was testing my blood for drugs, without my consent. i had to get my blood checked monthly to monitor the affects of the lithium, and i discovered an additional blood test orderded on the sheet, which my pre-med friend told me was for a basic drug scan. fucked up. so i pretty much stopped taking drugs for those reasons.

well after a year, i gradually went off the drugs, because i hated taking 9 pills a day (just the sight of the pills would make my throat close up, and if i tried swallowing them, even in food, i would gag and have to spit them out). it has now been a year since i was off of them, and technically, i have been fine (i suppose anyone who has read my past posts would disagree...) also stopped seeing the doctor (he since has sent me a handwritten letter telling me how concerned he is that i havent come in in so long... too bad i cant afford it and do NOT want to be sent to a psycho farm)

i havent had bouts of depression as i felt them before. nor have i had bouts of mania as i felt them before. in fact, no mania at all. perhaps a bit of promiscuity... but i attest that to breaking up with a long-term boyfriend and trying to figure out my own sexuality. i have not cut in about 8 months, and i didnt really get any joy from the last cut i made (which is a nasty scar that i have to see every day now). however, ive had other issues, new ones.

first, the drugs. drugs to sleep, mainly. often cant sleep without them. but now, ive been taking them (oxycodone, vioxx, ambien, diphenhydramine, dextropomorphan or whatever is in robitussin) just to get the amazing buzz/fuzz. takes a good bit of drugs to get me out. actually the last time i took oxy i took so much that i had a moment where i passed out and woke up trying to breathe and couldnt figure out where i was. so im a little afraid of that shit now. plus its my dads supply and its dwindling and im afraid hell notice.

so theres the drugs. and then theres the eating. first semester i went through a pretty rough spell, pretty much right after my boyfriend broke up with me, where i didnt eat. it started with an antibiotic i went on (erithromycin, i think, the normal stuff but apparently i am allergic to this as well as every other antibiotic ive been on), that caused me to lose my appetite. i had to take it 4 times a day, and it was quite big, which added to the loss of appetite... but also it did NOT settle wel with my stomach. i told the doctor who prescribed it and she said not to worry too much... and besides i couldnt afford the better antibiotic. so i kept taking it for 2 weeks, and hardly ate at all during that time. well that started it. i basically didnt get my appetite back after that time, and went on a strange diet. all i can really remember of it was, eating crackers sometimes, maybe a meal a day, and lots of beer. one friday when there was a big party at school, about two weeks after i had gotten off the pills, i ate a packet of crackers, and went to the party and drank like 10 beers. didnt get drunk, surprisingly (im irish what can i say) but i drank more calories than i ate. i kept this up for awhile, and wound up going from about 140 to around 120 in a few weeks. my roomies hated it, worried, and i was afraid theyd turn me in. but it doesnt help that i have to hear them bitch about their weight all the time besides it. i wanted to say, hey, at least i look better than you! and the one is a stress eater, which always pissed me off and i felt like i had to starve myself to balance it. shes fat, no doubt about it. disgusting.

so thats how its been. that starvation thing lasted about the whole semester. i thought i looked good at the time. looking back at the pictures kind of freaks me out, but i was so proud of it at the time as well. now i think im slipping back into it. ive been eating like SHIT lately, even worse ive been binging. but i cant bring myself to purge. however for the past two nights as soon as im finished dinner ive been so nauseous and had the urge to purge, so to speak. the only thing that has stopped me is i know my parents would hear and be worried. and as i dont have health insurance, getting sick or having them think im sick is not a good thing.

what i think i need is, for someone to tell me whats going on with me. just a diagnosis, not an offer to help. i dont want to be helped/changed. i think i may have relapsed into bipolar though... possibly something new, who knows. maybe im just depressed now. but i refuse to believe it. and i cant afford a doctor or medicine now anyway. nor do i want to upset my parents about it becuasei know it bothers them, especially fills my mother with such guilt.

theres the other thing, the guilt. if that damn doctor had thought for a bit more, he would have realized that telling my parents about my cutting and drugs would only aggravate the situation even more. my mother would be filled with so much guilt, and would also feel really bad about what i was goign through, which would cause me more guilt, which has generally been the cause of my cutting.

im tired of writing tonight. any response would be nice. its not that im lonely, ive got friends. but i dont really feel like they can help. sometimes anonymous help is the best.

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Date:2004-04-08 03:45
Subject:many thoughts, too little drugs
Security:Public
Mood: confused
Music:nothing youd know, cuz im a music snob

so only three benadryl left. and i need four to trip, maybe to sleep. but its already 3:45 AM.

lots of thoughts. many of ex... so in love. but really? so much feeling. really all i want is... what we had the other night. but with realness. i want what we had last year. with everything worked out.

and really off and on i just want cute boys. to make out with them and have them think im hot.

im pretty tired. running a mile will do that to you. but GIANT headache.

god im so desperate... i would call him right now and tell him id do anything to him he wanted, just to kiss him again... but its 4 AM and thats sad as hell.

so the options: climb in bed and think... take drugs and in a half hour, not think and then sleep... or stay up fretting.

gonna go with option B i think. i can buy more drugs later. hooray for diphenydramine.

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Date:2004-03-09 01:34
Subject:not a princess
Security:Public
Mood: crazy

allow me, please.

i am not a princess; i'm not looking for a prince. i don't want someone to fix me, take care of me, or worship me. i'm not even looking for someone to be there for me all the time. i have a lot of friends, a great family, and a good sense of independence. i'm very low-maintenance; it generally takes me about 30 minutes to get ready, if that. i'm nice, thoughtful, sensitive, and interesting.

so, uhh, mr. right, where the fuck are you?

i am not perfect, i'm a little crazy actually. im an anorexic drug addict alcoholic with a panic disorder and some demons in my closet, but i'm pretty damn well-adjusted all things considered. i'm 10% less crazy than 50% of all the other girls you'll find out there, and those are some good odds. i've dated less than 10 people, slept with about the same number, have no contractable diseases, and am not bad looking at all. in fact i think im gorgeous. even when i first wake up.

i'd never make you sleep on the wet spot. i make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. i love making people smile and laugh and i will sing you to sleep every night.

so where are you?

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Date:2004-02-13 02:08
Subject:give me the beat boys to free my soul
Security:Public
Mood: lethargic
Music:soon to be me playing guitar, right now, "free my soul"

i wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away...

good music night.

my sinuses are like, pounding. this beer isnt really helping. nor will the codeine im about to take. but sleep will help.

does anyone actually read this? if you do, post a message or something. gets kind of lonely out here on my own.

im doin okay tonight. truly okay. the good thing about music, when it hits you you can feel no pain.

i really, really do love beer. the taste of it, the smell... its kind of sick but when i smell beer(not old, stale beer like the recycling bins) mixed with like, patchouli and even cigarette smoke, i get kind of turned on. well, at least i feel cozy. and then kinda turned on. what does that make me?

thats the other thing too. people say i have a certain smell. my friend linds calls it "hemp". but shes just funny. shes never even seen pot so she doesnt really know. but she says i smell like pot. i dont really bathe much, and when i do i use herbal soap... i burn nag champa all the time, and the only perfume i wear (unless i wanna get ass, and then its borrowing my roomie's sexy perfume) is patchouli oil because it makes me calm. so i guess thats where she gets that mixture of smells from. but pot doesnt linger on clothing, and if i really smelled like pot, id probbaly get arrested because theres a fucking NARC on campus. im just going to walk around to everyone asking, hey nice to meet you are you a narc? cuz they have to answer if they are.

im so tired. sleeping now. or soon.

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Date:2004-02-09 00:03
Subject:oh yeah, i have a journal
Security:Public
Mood: aggravated
Music:fleetwood mac- rumours

god damn this cold.

it's getting to the point where, in my final semester of college, i'm considering transferring to warmer climates.

here's the updates. while drunk, i burned my tongue/roof of my mouth SO bad on friday night (drinking my roommate's tomato soup-in-a-cup) that there were little white blister things on it and now a layer of skin is coming off. i havent been able to taste anything for about 48 hours and it hurts to move my tongue around. maybe thats why i drank so much beast light last night...

also, im about to kill one of my roommates. since ive known her shes had annoying eating habits. mainly im talking about chewing with her mouth open, so that i can hear every morsel of food smacking and slapping against her teeth and tongue. i should be used to that by now. i know she doesnt know shes doing it, and hates when others do it, but i dont have the heart to tell her. (especially because i think if i told her and she still did it, id actually hate her). besides that, her damn overeating/stress binges are really driving my fucking anorexia.

ive decided to do a week-long detox. i will drink nothing but water... i'm gonna try to not eat anything for a few days... and let my system cleanse itself. ive had so many toxins in it lately, its complaining. im not gonna put any products in my hair, i wont smoke pot, i wont drink, not even on thursday night, and maybe i wont wear deodarant. (i told my one roomie this, and she sighed.)

im just tired of being a fucking fattie.and im tired of people telling me im not. ive seen how much weight i've gained. so what if im still a size 8, i feel enormous.

and heres another thing, fuck you people in happy relationships. at least ive got a vibrator now. but still. dammit.

oh my mood has deteriorated greatly. and it doesnt help that now my roomie is cooking like a 4 course meal out there. and i have a huge cup of water... and 5 stale tortilla chips.

my stalker better leave me the fuck alone. i cant stand how he just walks up to me, stares at me until i say something, and then says, 'what?' it's driving me batters.

my poor tongue.

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Date:2004-01-05 01:10
Subject:havent written in awhile
Security:Public
Mood: discontent
Music:none, just Providence on TV

oh man i wanna go back to school now. i cant stay skinny here.

heres my dilemma. id like to take an oxy and eventually go to bed, but i probably need to eat something first. however, being a psycho, i feel like ive eaten too much already today. so i could do the fun thing and eat a shitload, then hurl most of it up, then take enough oxy to pass out. or i could do the pussy move and just eat something and plan on losing more weight tomorrow. in fact, i think thats what ill do. ill eat something horrible and enjoy my last night of food freedom, take a pill, and watch TV till im out. then tomorrow, ill pick up some diet pills. hooray for that. damn you hilton sisters for being my role models.

once i get back to school, ill be able to lose more weight. damn im hungry.

ive been feeling not so great lately. guess its mostly the weight thing. but also its the boy thing. im so lonely. and so randy all the damn time.

i think i really need to stretch my legs. school, and home, are getting to be too small for me.

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Date:2003-12-08 00:36
Subject:i want my fucking boots back
Security:Public
Mood: infuriated
Music:none. im too pissed off

:( so i left my boots outside my friends room tonight and now theyre gone. dammit. fucking 180 dollar docs. the one expensive thing i own. dammit. im too fucking trusting. i swear to god i better get them back. i want to cry. those boots are perfect, in the snow, rain, good weather, under jeans... :( im really bummed about that. i really hope someone ponies up.

and i think i like harry too much to sleep with him. because, its notsomuch that im gonna attach real emotions to the act, but i will attach a certain sweetness and will allow myself to establish a connection to him. but i dont think, in fact i know, its going nowhere. but dammit. he would be SO good. sooooo good. hes got the right equipment, smooth moves, and stamina from what i can tell... and hes very sweet. i think i may have freaked him out though. dammit! im so frustrated.

i just want a straight answer, as to whether or not he likes me. im guessing he does, cuz i asked him and he didnt say he didnt. but... is it too much to ask to get a real answer? so i can sleep at night? not that i cant. although when i sleep with him in the bed i dont sleep. cuz he flails around too much. sound familiar? yeah for real.

i really wanted to cuddle tonight too. and id totally make him glad he came. if you know what i mean. i just feel like this is going to go nowhere but bad. and now that mother nature's cockblock has ceased (or is close to it), the option of sex is there. and im gonna have to decide before we start making out whether or not its gonna be allowed, because once we start im not gonna wanna stop. i just am tired of meaningless sex. is that so wrong? so i want to attach SOME meaning, but not get myself into a real relationship. im sad. now im sad. actually really sad. what the hell am i doing?? im becoming a tricked out ho. this will be 8 people, if we do it. and if we dont, i will want to. and hell probably be pissed off because i as much as told him wed do it one day.

okay so heres the game plan. next time i see him and we can talk, ill tell him that i told andy we were "carrying about." i dont really wanna call it hooking up, because there is some sort of emotion there, at least on my side. but why, really? hes a SUPER nice guy, true. and seems to generally have a good head on his shoulders. hes wicked cute, very talented, passionate about what he does, and seems to be truly genuine. however, hes a total and major pothead(though he did give me a bud as a gift after the first time we hooked up), AND a taurus, and that could be a major problem. dammit. i wish i didnt buy into astrology. but it makes SO much sense. and ive tried dating the total pothead type before, and it didnt go over well. the first time, i became one as well, and wound up crapping part of my life away. the second time, i tried to get him to stop doing it as much and almost cost us the relationship.

and the thing is, maybe im a major pothead too. i think i kinda am. like im planning on smoking tonight, to get to sleep. i just have to make sure my suitemates cant smell it. cuz they totally could tell and might call me out. theyre already worried about me being a friggin loose ho, and me never going to class (more on that later), now they can worry about my stoner tendencies.

so yeah. im meeting with one prof tomorrow to discuss his class and how i never went. im REALLY hoping i can make up that test tomorrow (who cares if i fail it, i dont care anymore), and that i can do some sort of extra credit to make up for the other shit. or, at least, i can conjure up some tears(shouldnt be too hard, after my bottled up emotions tonight) and make him feel sorry enough for me that he'll cut me some MAJOR slack. i'll find out afternoon tomorrow.

and then at 5 i have to meet with my other prof to discuss my OTHER missed classes for history. hmm. and the two tests i still have never taken. tears might help here too. eww. im gonna smoke the biggest bowl after those meetings. i swear. ill call my boy up and be like, hey babe. come play. and maybe if ms. flow is totally done by then, i could screw away my problems and not just smoke them away. hooray for self-abuse!

man, what has become of me?

not even any song lyrics for this one. dammit.

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Date:2003-12-03 02:27
Subject:this is the room one afternoon i knew i could love you
Security:Public
Mood: drained
Music:"song for the dumped" by ben folds five

"and from above you how i sank into your soul/ into that special place where no one dares to go"

didn't i treat you good? looking around me and seeing all these happy people, these happy faces on the happy couples. it feels good and bad. im glad for them, really i am. engaged? insanity. i know so many people who've got their shit together. why do i have to be such an admirable fuckup?

on a separate and random wavelength, i enjoy black cherry soda.

only two weeks to go. i can totally do this. if i can get through this i can get through anything. and i really hope i made it in the play. and that harry boy is my husband ;) we'd have to practise working on our chemistry. heh.

jesus my whole body is itchy. i really hate the winter. its depressing, its blustery, it makes me sick literally... i have to get all bundled up and then when i get inside from out, i get wicked hot and nauseous. and then i wind up wearing so many layers of clothes that, not only do i look 5 times fatter (which i am after thanksgiving holiday), i use 5 times more clothing which means i have to wash it more often. the only good thing about winter is it gives me an excuse to be pale.

speaking of that, i should really use some of that spray'n'bake stuff. i bought it. but im afraid im so ashy that it will just flake right off. shit i forgot to call buddy boy tonight. oh well it will show that i'm not obsessed with him. which i'm not.

so, i'm late. that's always fun.

i think i might be tired. ooh i could sleep. gotta get up. here's tomorrow's list of shit to do:
- meeting with advisor (bring new thesis chapter? nah it's pretty shitty)
- class (do scene! shit i need to work on that)
- lunch
- i'm totally working out, i've got to. i'm a fatty
- meet for carolling, go carolling (make sure people have songbooks, and rides, and bring warm stuff)
- rehearsal for little's scene (bring script, have memorized! dress?)
- play at 8? who knows. dont really wanna go
- working from 10 till close

That's a long day/night. Especially if I have to study. Which I should. Nah whatevs. I'm gonna be SO damn glad when these two weeks are over. I"m gonna smoke the fattest blunt ever created. That's what I should do next. I should buy an eighth and roll it all into a fatty philly blunt, then smoke it and pass out. Sigh. Oh how I miss pot.

Okay so maybe bedtime. But no, I'm lonely I want to talk some more. here's some lyrics.

"so you wanted to take a break/ slow it down some and have some space/ well fuck you too, give me my money back/ give me my money back you bitch/ i want my money back/ and dont forget to give me back my black tshirt"

"no one hurt my fragile little mind right now/ its tangled up, and dont you know/ the pussycat in me is curling up right now/ but i'll bloom from the inside out/ but right now there's dust on my guitar you fuck/ and its all your fault/ oh you paralyzed my mind and for that you suck"

i guess thats all for now. i think i might need a boyfriend. or somebody to make me feel special. just for awhile

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Date:2003-11-28 01:27
Subject:stuffed like... well, a turkey
Security:Public
Mood: full
Music:thursday, they're on conan

so friggin full. heres a fun list of what i ate today:
nothing till dinner but then... some turkey with gravy, little bit of stuffing, ton of cranberry sauce (my favourite), corn pudding, a bite of beet(dont like it), mashed potatoes, some green bean casserole, a few carrots, half a roll, a little cheese ball(cream cheese covered with walnuts), aaaand i cant remember what else. but then for dessert, had a nice piece of dads apple pie, and a little pilgrim hat (marshmallow on top of a cookie, coated in chocolate. my sister is martha stewart).
oh but thats not all. when i got home, i had a bunch more cranberry sauce, plus a slice of ham, another slice of apple pie, a quarter of a bag of pirates booty (yummmm), and some cheese with carrots (nope, not pregnant). think thats it? well yeah actually it is.
i dunno what it is about being at home. i feel like i have to eat everything. like i have to take the burden of food of my parents.

thats the other weird thing. whenever im around my parents, im expecting both of them to just keel over and have a heart attack at any momen.t like the image passes through my eyes. its annoying and sickening and paranoia-inducing.
which is why i need to move out soon.

alright enough freaking about food. heres what ill do. after the second round of thanksgiving dinners tomorrow, i wont eat more than an odwalla shake and maybe a sandwich till monday. ill try the every three days eating like crap thing. that seemed to work. its so hard to not eat, but the results are awesome. i loved being all hard and shit. and i look in pictures where a little bit of tummy was showing from that skinny period, and i see DEFINITION! love it.

by the way, GOT to get a harmonica when i get back to school. thats my new thing. and ill get one of those stands.

alright gotta go play guitar.

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Date:2003-11-24 20:50
Subject:"good morning, uh... what's your name?"
Security:Public
Mood: sore
Music:"fast enough for you"- phish

oh what a funny weekend. trying to remember it all. thats how it generally goes, right?

soooo... friday night... think i got pretty fucked up. just remember drinking and oh yeah, got to some smoking with a friend. then got some sleep, not much. not sure why, but for some reason, smoking pot doesnt help me sleep anymore. it sucks.

and then... theres saturday. hmm how did that start... missed the one thing i had to go to in the morning cuz i was still pretty high by the time i woke up at 8:30. and then for the rest of the day, i worked, and then drank a whole lot, went to the concert, drank there, went to the afterparty, drank there, tried as hard as hell to mack with ben... but im thinking its never gonna happen cuz it just didnt. jesus. then i got his friend to take me and my roommate around fucking campus to find him. im a DUMBASS! poor guy was so nice to me. but i guess i made up for it cuz i slept with him that night. haha. wonder if hell ever call. i kinda have always wanted to be the band girlfriend. but, i doubt he will. cuz i slept with him quite drunk and barely knowing his name(forgot it in the morning, had to wait for him to bring it up in conversation), probably passed out in the middle of it, and didnt offer to go down on him the next day when he probably needed it badly. oh well i was tired and thirsty. wouldnt have been that great even if i had.

but i do kinda wish hed call. at least so i could apologise for not being very good. not that he was much better, ill be honest. not bad, but not super. but id still apologise. and, probably tell him that i can do much better. and that if he asked me out sometime id maybe show him. haha. but honestly, its funny how not attached i am. to him or the six others from the past. well to one of them, because we actually dated. but for the most part, i just like to get what i want and then get on with life. is that so wrong?

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