Blurty for Kayla.

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Saturday, June 26th, 2004

Subject:Why?
Time:10:37 pm.
Mood: drained.
Music:Leave (Get Out) - JoJo.
(I'm a little 'off' today, so bare with me if the entry gets a little confusing)

First, I'll fill you in on Thursday. I was having a not-to-good day. My period finally stopped so that was a good thing... but it kept getting worse... progressing into Friday... which progressed into today. Anywho, I was going to lay in the sun and I couldn't find the CD I wanted... so I just listened to a different one. The sun was out for 30 minutes TOP once I got out there. Well...I wasn't going to get to see Josh... but then my mom said that she had to go to Wal-Mart. So Josh came with us, and then we went out to eat. At Wal-Mart, they didn't have the D12 CD I wanted, Josh invited his friend to go out to eat with us (I don't mind his friends, I like them, it's just I wanted it to be us-- and my mom was bad enough, lol), we lost my mom, and then Josh kicked this cup someone had set out that was filled with something (?) and it just happened to go ALL OVER ME. Needless to say, I was pissed at him. Then he got mad b/c I was mad at him & I felt that he should be the one trying to apologize to me. Mom through her fit at me over it, we got to Pizza Hut (my choice) and just so it happens a big group of Pikeville girls waltz in just to add to my miserable state. Josh and I made up (shocker, huh? lol).... but just everything before that was making me hate my life.

Moving on...

This day has been so draining. So...horrible. Ava's kitten Bailey got sick. It did the same thing Pep did. It started losing weight, then stopped nursing. So I went Wal-Mart and bought a bottle for kittens and some kitten formula and fed it myself. That was Thursday. I wasn't feeding it that much out of the bottle b/c I wasn't sure if it would nurse or not, and you're not supposed to over-feed a kitten b/c it can hurt it's digestive tract. Well, yesterday it started to get really bad so I just decided to feed it way, way more. I gave it about an ounce or over that. Well, I let it sleep with me, and it snuggled right up between my pillow and the pillow beside mine and slept kind of on it's side- almost on it's back. I fed it every two-three hours, and I woke up at 5:26 a.m. to feed it again and as usual it's poor little body felt so limp and weak. I tried sticking the bottle in it's mouth and it wouldn't even open it when I tried to force it open. So I just petted it a little b/c I thought maybe it wasn't fully awake, you know. And I had it in my palm and it started breathing really really fast. At this point I sat it in my lap and was saying stuff like, "What's wrong, baby?" and kissing it and stuff, but tears were already forming in my eyes. Then it started stretching out it's arms and legs and screaming in a weak little voice. By then, I was bawling & saying, "Please don't do this to me, please!" and then Ava came up on the bed and started meowing at me and put her paws on the kitten like she was going to pick it up and take it from me. It died. So I sat there huvering over it crying so hard, then I went to my moms room still crying and told her about it. She just said, "There's nothing we could do about it," and just laid there, half asleep. That really hurt me, and I was crying, "Nobody cares." So, I went back to my room and called Josh and told him. He was there for me, as usual. My mom came in my room about 5-10 minutes later and told me that we tried, and stuff. We were even going to take it to the vet today. I wrapped it up in paper towls like I did Pep, and put it in a small box. Ava saw what I was doing and throughout the morning she was acting so weird-- jumping up on my bed and smelling it everywhere, runniong around my room giving that purry/meow voice that she does for her kittens and it was so sad. Josh stayed on the phone with me until a little after 6:00 a.m. and I made him go back to bed. But I stayed up... took my sheets, pillow cases, and comforter to the bathroom to be washed...and I got one of my moms quilts from the quilt rack in the living room to sleep with. I finally got in the bed about 8:00 a.m. only to be woke back up by Katie (my 3 year old niece) an hour later. My whole body was aching by the time I went back to bed at 3:00 p.m. I only slept til about 5:30ish though. Then I showered and now...I'm here.

I just don't get why God is doing this. I know there is a plan for everybody... but... I JUST DON'T GET IT. It's not fair.

My sister, her husband, and Katie came in last night and stayed here. They're going back Sunday though... and that's about it. I also found an article on how to toilet train your cat. It's pretty interesting. ( http://www.karawynn.net/mishacat/toilet.html ). I might try it one of these days... I'm such a germ freak though I don't know how I'd feel about the cats being on the toilet. I probably wouldn't use the one they use until they stop putting their paws in litter and I give them a good 'scrub-down' to get all the litter germs off of their paws. I love my babies though. Wouldn't trade 'em for the world.

Well...I'm gonna stop here. I'll update later & HOPEFULLY things won't be so bad. Things usually happen in threes

1.) Pepper died
2.) Thursday
3.) Bailey died

What'a group. Now maybe the bad will stop-- and I can heal. Depression will start to set in soon if things don't brighten up...and I don't want to go through that again. Well.... I'm out.

-Kayla*
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Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004

Subject:Horrible!
Time:8:37 pm.
Mood: optimistic.
Music:That's Where You Take Me - Britney Spears.
Ok, I have not updated this in a VERY long time!!! Pathetic, maybe. Well, in my last entry, I talked about my 'Life Make-over'. After that entry, my life seemed to crash. I got very depressed, and was just convienced that no matter how happy I tried to make myself, it was never going to happen. It wasn't until memorial day weekend when my family went to Tennessee that everything began to perk up. Josh came with me, and we spent the most amazong weekend together. I feel so complete when I am around him. He is the reason that I started to feel comfortable as me.
My sister finally got married (it was actually real this time, too) and moved out. Her life seems to be getting complete, too-- which is good, but we're talking about me! (haha) My mother and I are starting to get closer, too. Despite how akward it feels. But it hurts to think that if Tran came back, I would be thrown back down the drain. She didn't even want to be closer to me until Tran moved to Nashville and she had nobody left-- like I was her only option or something. But who knows? I might be over exaggerating (sp?) again (I have been known to do that!).
My cat Ava had her kittens on June 1. I also failed to mention that she was pregnant. She had 5 kittens. Here is the log I have been keeping for them:
**Tuesday, June 1, 200: 5 kittnes are born

**Wednesday, June 9, 2004: The start to purr while nursing

**Thursday, June 10, 2004: Eyes begin to open

**Tuesday, June 15, 2004: Patch tries to play

**Wednesday, June 16, 2004: Kitten's ears are unfolded, they're all playing & getting curious (trying to get in stuff). 3 boys, 2 girls?? Eyes are also fully open!

**Thursday, June 17, 2004: Kittens are able to scratch themselves with back paws, & they're learning how to clean themselves

**Friday, June 18, 2004: Ava put the kittens under my bed & I called for them one by one to put back in the closet and they came to me (getting more & more responsive)!! Sugar started purring while I played with her.

**Sunday, June 20, 2004: Kittens had their first bath!!

**Monday, June 21, 2004: Kittens are trying to climb out of the closet & are succeeding! Pepper died 2:10 PM :*(

I have had better days than yesterday. I had to go to the doctor for a physical which wasn't that bad besides the fact that I have gained 10 POUNDS since my last physical. So much for losing weight, eh? I really need to work on that. And I had to have my finger poked, and a TB skin test done (I HATE needles). But the worst was yet to come. I came home and heard one of the kittens crying under my bed and I thought, "Gosh, Ava has moved them AGAIN!" When I looked under there it was just Pepper. So I pulled my bed to get her out and accidently broke the head board when I was pulling b/c my bed is so heavy. Well, I got her out and put her with Ava and she started cleaning her, but Pep wouldn't nurse her and she was really cold. So I got out the heating pad and wrapped her up in a blanket with the heating pad to warm her up. She got warmer, but when I put her with Ava she STILL wouldn't nurse. So I put her in a basket by herself with the heating pad and blankets and went to the store to get some stuff to make an emergency kitten formula I had found on the internet when I started doing research for them when they were born. When I got home, Pep was stretching out like she was in sooo much pain and opening her mouth like she was screaming, only nothing came out. I put her in my hand and tried to warm her up b/c she was cold for some reason. Her mouth started to turn white and she slowly died in my hand. Needless to say, it hit me hard. I started crying my eyes out, while Ava just sat there and played...like she didn't even care. If you haven't noticed, I am very passionate about animals-- especially cats. I cry when I hear about cats being hurt, or when I think about strays being alone and cold. I'm even afraid to give away Ava's kittens b/c I think about them missing their mom and siblings. But anywho, I was miserable. Pep was the fattest out of the litter, and the fluffiest. She was perfectly fine until yesterday. And she felt so thin when I picked her up. I don't know why it happened. My mom said that Ava could've started to move the litter and accidently hurt the kitten when she moved it. And I read that kittens that appear to be perfectly healthy can die for apparently no reason. They could've been born with an internal birth defect, or anything. But I still feel like it's my fault. They turned 3 weeks old today, so I assumed getting this far, they would live. I guess that's about how life goes, though.
What else do I wanna talk about? Oh yea, I did get my hair cut. It's a little shorter than the pic I posted, but I donated 11 inches to Locks of Love, a cancer foundation. I like my hair 10x better now-- it makes me look older, and I feel more confident. I also actually feel ALMOST half way pretty now. Which is an improvment. I'm also wearing make-up, too.
Well, I have put a lot in thi entry, and I'm kind of getting sick of typing-- even though I have TONS more to tell you!! But I guess I'll update tomorrow & finish up!
-.,.Kayla.,.- (I*Love*Josh)
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Sunday, April 18th, 2004

Subject:Long time, no see!
Time:5:14 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Music:Overdrive - Katy Rose.
Hey! Well, I haven't updated in a while...nothing has really happened anyways! Yesterday, was my changing day (as Dr. Phil would put it)!! After this stupid festival for piano is over, everything is changing! I really don't wanna do that festival, but I feel like I will let Kim down if I don't. I H A T E the song I have to play... the first part is alright, but I don't think I will ever get this second section down. Geez... But anyways!
This summer, I am getting my hair cut, getting it dyed (blonde highlights & low lights), I'm gonna start wearing more make-up than powders, I am going to get ing tip-top shape....and just...start loving my life. I'm even gonna have my room re-done again in hot pink and vibrant colors like that. The people and objects that surround my life are all gonna change. And I'm going to stop being depressed all the time.
Britney Spears, is my all time idol! For real!
This is the cut I am getting http://www.beautyriot.com/article.php?id=1906&c_id=54
and I can't find a pic of the highlights I want (I have them in a magazine here, but I don't feel like scanning). And http://britneyspears.bz has all kinds of make-up tips from her artists, her diet and exercise routine, and tons more! Soo... Britney is really helpin me in all of this!
I also decided to start wearing my invisalign like I should, that way I can finally get out of them and have perfect teeth like Brit...I am also gonna get them bleached so they'll be really pretty white! And I'm gonna get a really good tan! I can't wait to show up the first day of school next year, and people will be like, "What happened to her?!" lol! I'm so excited (can't you tell?) haha...well...I'll tell you all more later, but as for now, I gotta go practice piano :(

Love always,
K-La*
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Thursday, April 8th, 2004

Subject:La Di Da....
Time:7:43 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not the One.
Well, today has been alright I guess. I went in late to school today...I got there about 12:10 (beginning of 5th period). Nothing much happened today. This guy named Bobby Thacker kept telling me in 7th period that he loved me...? And I was like, "Bob, I have a boyfriend." Then he'd just shake his head. I wish he didn't feel that way...no offense to him or anything...it's just...I am so in love with Josh!
When I got home, I went with my mama to take my brother Chris to the doctor. He's had a lot of trouble with health. See my mom was in a car wreck when she was pregnant with him and it sent her into labor and they had to give her this mediciene to keep her from dialating or something...well..he was still born early after a complicated pregnancy and the cord was around his neck. He wasn't supposed to live...they had preachers praying over him and everything. They told my mom that if he did make it, he wouldn't live past three years old. Needless to say, he spent the first few years of his life in and out of the hospital. He has a mild learning disablity. Like, he's not retarded-- and he's not in special classes...it just takes a little while for things to 'sink in' in his classes. He also has a slight speech inpediment (sp?), but he's comprehendable. Last summer though, he had to have his appendix removed and the doctors 'noticed' that he was missing a kidney! He's 13, shouldn't they have 'noticed' that at birth? Anyways, he started losing protien where the kidney he has had been working so hard to make up for the other one. He has to go every month to a children's hospital in Cinci. Ohio...but he's doing better now. He stopped losing protien, and the doctors told him that he could continue playing sports (football, basketball, and baseball) so he's happy about that. But he started getting shaky, light headed, and dizzy..so...my mom took him to the doctor today and he has to go tomorrow to the hospital to be checked for MORE problems... My poor brother. He doesn't know how much I love him... and I'm mostly just messin around with him when we argue. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him...
Well, then we went to my grandmothers house for a while....she got me a purse and some jewelry that I really like and also gave me some money. I don't know why!! But I guess it's just where she's a grandma...and grandmas like to give. When she handed it to me I was like "What's all of this for?" and she went on about how you just except a gift and don't ask....so.... She's really proud of me for my good grades (3.9 GPA, I made all A's this year, and all A's and 1 B last year). So...oh well! She's supposed to be getting me a Louis Vuitton purse!! And may'be another Dooney and Bourke..!!!!
I really wish that Josh could get to go with me tomorrow to Tennessee...I'm gonna miss him so much. And it would be perfect if he could go. We'd get to spend the whole weekend together! I think we're going to the mall!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm excited! I love shopping!!!
Well....I really gotta clean my room. I cleaned it last weekend....but when I get ready I have a bad habit of putting on an outfit, deciding I don't wanna wear it...trying on about 1 more outfits and then deciding I'm gonna stick with the one I had on in the first place! And do I put the clothes back away? Umm...no!! So...I gotta clean up all of that. Guess it's just typical for a girl, huh? lmao...well....I'll write more later!!

Love,
Kayla*

.-*-.I Love Josh.-*-.
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Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Subject:Life, as usual...
Time:10:32 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Nada....
Don't you just hate the feeling of depression? It's kind of like a dark stormy cloud that constantly lingers over your life, just waiting for the right thing to make it burst. And when it rains-- it pours. It seems like once it's triggered, it never leaves. Things only get worse.
School makes life a bitch. I'm friends with everybody...I don't think there is anyone I'm not friends with. Just certain people who nagg me to death and make me wanna shoot myself, just so I won't have to look at the fuckin morons...or hear their stupidity. Sad isn't it?
I put on such a show for everybody. I'm always nice, sweet, and all smiles. But usually, I'm screaming and crying on the inside-- but nobody sees it. Nobody could ever tell that these are the kind of thoughts that run through my head.
3rd period ruins my day, usually. Little things that people say get to me. I'm stuck in the part of the class with the biggest group of jackasses you'll ever meet. Jason Justice (Jay), is the major one. I really can't stand him at all. A while back we had this little 'fling' I guess you could call it (even though it wasn't even big enough to be called that). My boyfriend Josh and I were having arguments all the time, and he was sweet to me on the internet. He made me feel good about myself, when I felt like shit. Apart from the fact that he IS NOT my type AT ALL!! I can't even look at him-- if you get my drift. He would ask me to meet him places and make-out and do 'stuff' with him, all the time. Well, I would always say, "I don't know" or "We'll see" even though I had no intentions on ever doing anything. I was just afraid that if I told him no, he would stop giving me all the attention he was. So I guess I led him on a little. He's really short, I'm not/wasn't really attracted to him at all, and when I even thought about those things he asked me to do, I got the urge to suddenly puke. It was just the fact that he was sweet, and affectionatley, I was very vulnerable. But he's some how still stuck on the whole thing...and just tries to make my life hell. I'm glad the whole thing happened though. I told Josh EVERYTHING (all the stuff I didn't mention here) and it brought us way closer. I never cheated on him or anything, I guess it was just the fact that I 'crushed' on someone elses personality.
Moving on to *Josh*! We started dating November 10, 2002 at 9:36 PM. He's everything to me! He's tall (6'3), VERY cute, brown hair, Blue eyes...the total package (atleast to me he is!). There is a slight age difference though. I'm 16 right now, and he's 15. He was born 01-02 and I was born 01-29....11 months and 4 days. He's a freshman, and I'm a sophomore. He doesn't really look like a freshman though. He's like all muscle, and very tall! He's so...SCRUMPTIOUS!! I love him so much! lmao....well I guess you've heard that enough.
I have to spend this weekend at our place in Tennessee...ugh...and I asked Josh to go with me. Well, you just know his parents would throw that down the drain. May'be if I was a basketball...
I feel like I'm not good enough for him at all. His dad's a doctor, his mom's a physical therapist...and I guess you could say they're above average. Me...I'm just average....not rich..not poor...just...regular. I feel like he diserves someone better....someone thinner...prettier....someone whose not me. But I thank God that he doesn't think that. He loves me...and I know it.
Well...saddly...I have to go to bed now...I still have a lot that I wanted to write...but I guess I'll have to do that tomorrow...more later...

-Kayla*
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Blurty for Kayla.

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