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Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
1:17 pm - Dont know what to do
I thought I was handling this very well, but as it turns out I wasn't handling it at all... I was just shoveling it off and treating it like a dog had died (not really). Trying not to hurt myself hoping that I would forget about this and move on. I realize I cant do that, I have to face it. Which I have started to now. It is almost like I am scared to face it that is why I havent yet. I cant stop crying and I just feel like crap. I am sooo MAD at everything, I argue just to argue because it makes me feel good to get things out. But as I am doing this I am hurting my relationship with my boyfriend. We are crubbling just like Jordan's life did. Slowing but surly. I don't know what to do anymore. I sit here and think about him every night for hours before I go to bed. I stare at his box of ashes and wish I was changing his diaper or feeding him. I picture my room full with his crib and clothes and toys everywhere. Geez I even miss sitting in the hospital next to him for 2 months. I would rather be in the hospital with him than be out here alone without him. I want everything to go back!!!! And what frustrats me the most is that I cant get the picture out of me head when he passed. He looked nothing like the Jordan I gave birth too, he was soo swollen and red. I misss him so very much!!!! I almost wish I could be up there with him among all the other angels.

current mood: drained

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Saturday, March 1st, 2003
7:29 pm
Well I went and picked Jordan's ashes today. And then my mom took me shopping to get my mind off of things.... but it really didnt work. Now I am getting awful headache!! So I am going to lay down now..

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Thursday, February 27th, 2003
1:31 pm - Jordan
lately i have been having memory flashes of Jordan. I think about his all day long on and off even though I dont think anyone thinks I actually do. Well I do. I remember when they took him off to his last surgery. They gave him a 20% chance of living. Well anyways I remembe kissing him goodbye and going to wait in the family waiting room... 10 min later the Pastor walks in and says that the Drs wanted to talk to me in the Chapel. I knew right then and there, what was happening. I still kick myself, for not spending more time with Jordan after he passed, I think I wanted to leave that hopital soo bad to forget everything that happend for the last 2 months. but i wish I stayed longer with him. Well that is enough for now....

For all who dont know.. http://hometown.aol.com/mzjeweis/myhomepage/baby.html

current mood: depressed

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Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
10:07 pm - Lil boys!!
OMG I swear some guys are just plain stupid!! If you are reading this, yes I am talking about YOU> Why do guys think they can talk with every girl in a group of freinds. And when he gets caught "it isnt true", "I never said that", "where did you hear that from", "they are lying" Well guess what no they arent YOU ARE> And you wonder why you dont have a girlfriend, your truck aint gonna get you a date!! hahaha Much love to all the girls out there that this has happened to!!

current mood: amused

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6:55 pm - Mhhhh..
Well this has been a fun day. I think I spent at least 6 hours on this damn thing trying to fix it. But in the end I think I messed more things up. OH well, I hope it crashes soon and I will get another!!

current mood: aggravated

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