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jenna shadia

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... [04 Mar 2004|10:31pm]

mua ha ha
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goodbye hell [31 Dec 2003|04:59pm]
cheers to the new year! lets pray it gets better

goodbye my girls and goodbye my anonymous donors, its been fun.
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heres the thing of it (just to clarify) [30 Dec 2003|11:12pm]
bottom line: i love chris, i love my girls. my girls are my oxygen. it upsets them that this decision making process is slow, but its not the decision thats taking me a while. its the action.. not that i understand why i should ever be put in the position of that action, but whatever.
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here we go [30 Dec 2003|11:46am]
ok here is the conflict - them or him? because i thought i could have both but i guess not. when it really came down to it i would choose the girls, but its not feeling that easy to me... i guess because A) theyre wrong about him anyway B) hes the first person ive actually cared about outside of them and C) this is my last few weeks with him and D)we dont even get along lately so i dont think it would be a very happy decision for either of us.

i cant even think of what to say besides that this fucking SUCKS. all they see is this dick in the rumors and they have no idea what our relationship was like. basically im just dreading having to break up with him. wow, thats going to be fun fun fun.

and im sorry if they think im trying to be careless and tough... i guess all the entries ive written about me not knowing what to do are me being careless. good interpretation. its true i HAVE changed - how could i not with everything thats happened this year - i just dont see how this change has anything to do with me being chris's little bitch. god damnit, they dont even know what our relationship is like!!! fuck this is driving me crazy, especially because if breaking up with him (which is really going to make me one happy girl) is the only way out of this conflict then its going to suck knowing that im breaking up with someone who makes me so happy for the happiness of people who dont even know half of this.

but a girls got to do what a girls got to do and i guess guys come and go but best friends are forever, riiiight.
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xrdfsz.kuf [28 Dec 2003|03:00pm]
dude. i KNOW that you guys dont fucking like him, i know it very well but you know what this is my journal and i will talk about him as mcuh as i god damn want to. i love him very much and thats just too fucking bad if you guys think what i say is sugar coated - then dont read this!!!

i know you guys think hes a dick and thats fine but sometimes the things that you guys comment are pretty harsh. "grow a fucking brain; jenna marx: at her worst." i dont know, if those comments are you guys trying to help me because you love me then i guess you should know that its not really working
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is babbling about this bullshit getting me anywhere? [28 Dec 2003|02:52pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | coldplay AHHHHH orgasmic ]

god sometimes there are just those days when you just cry, cry, cry over everything. you know i talk about how things are so much better and they are a little better, its just sad that a little better is still incredibally shitty. the more i think about it the more my heart aches for him alreadyyyy. scott asked me if we would still go out while he was gone and i said "idsont know, but either way ill be waiting for him." i had this idea in my head that while he was gone i could experiment and such because we all no ive never been with anyone else before, but now that idea seems like such bullshit. when he called me while he was at the skate park he kept asking me if i needed him because he could tell id been crying and i was ranting on to him. i love him.

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WOW my life sucks [28 Dec 2003|12:35pm]
because i have no life, i hate this house, im bored with myself, im too closed off, because i dont understand life and ill miss him so much when hes gone.

i could very easily be solely pissed off at the rents but i realized that the reason why im so mad is because i NEVER EVER EVER go out and socialize. EVER. and the one time i was going to (not to emntion see my love in action which is so cute) i dont get to. its just a serious let down. i have been craving exitement lately and hating myself because im always on my ass, but its all my fault! i sit here complaing and i dont do anything about it. a while ago i promsied myself id go out once a weekend but im not even sure if ive stayed true to that. i want a life!!!

"do not complain about what you permit" right stef? oh yeah, and i wrote a poem about you.

i broke my edge last ngiht by wthe way. well, i made a dent in it anyway...
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ive been "hangin around" [26 Dec 2003|03:15pm]
[ mood | no specific mood... "chillax" ]
[ music | counting crows (duhhh) ]

xmas was tight. i lveo chillnig with the fam - my uncle made a toast and its so true, we're a group of people that actually like each other. between all 20 of us in all our years weve never faught. anyway, i didnt get anyhting special (a cool jacket, !american beauty!, and some cool room decor) but i still had a blast doing all the fmaily togetherness crap - in fact, we still are doing it!

yesterday i spent xmas day in sacramento with chris and his family and it was so much fun! i love that i have this relationship with someone that i love that i can hang out with casually with his fam and such... ive been looking forward to something like this for a while :) last ngiht he disapeared for a while - he was out smoknig and i guess crying about his brother and such - and then when he came backin he went into another room without saying anything to me and would barely look at me for a while. i was convinced he'd been out with his old friends and old girlfriend from the area and just was like... tres aggrivated with me and such and i was seriously trippin, and then when i realized what was really going on i felt like a serious biiitch. damn, how rumors can corrupt your mind! this kind of thing was expected for sure, i just wish i could ahve been able to see what was wrong and be there for him earlier while i was stewing away.

i got the counting crows best of album which KICKS SO MUCH FUCKING ASS and the one song "hanging around" ive been listening too a lot. man, i ahve been haaaaning arooooound belmont for a damn lnog time! not only that, but ive been ahnging around with myself. its time to be more open, more social, blah blah blahhhh.

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ho ho ho [24 Dec 2003|01:13pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | josh kelllllly! ]

merry christmas! i just lvoe the weather, the exitement, the business and thoughtfulness, the exited little kids and all the legends and the togetherness. even though thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, xmas is a closeclosecloseclose second! ah, how nice.

i gave chocolate his present and i must say, i am proud. i wish i had a live journal or i had paid for this blurty so i could put a picture in... maybe after i print this out (im getting a print cartridge for xmas spacifically for that reeeeason!) then ill get one.

stefis horoscope said that one of her loved ones was going to try to make amends or something, and then !gasp! mario IMs her and is practically begging her to come visit and saying hom much he misses her. hmmmm. i definitly dont like him, he was such a fucking dick to my baby, but i also know that a girls got to follow her heart. stefi, i lvoe you and i dont want to see you getting hurt but iknow you love mario and are going to look into this anyway, so all i have to say is that ihope things work out for you guys and to make sure you keep your gaurd up!

its so true, guys are dicks - most of them anyway (noooot mine!).

ho, ho, ho, merrrrry christmas!

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in a nutshell [22 Dec 2003|12:52pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | india arie ]

the nucracker was perfect. :D. everything i imagined it to be!

i got a new bed (well, my sisters old one) and i will quite miss my broken futon that ive had since... well, forever. i also got my formal dress and i am madly in love with it. dd's gonna help me add shit on to make it tres rad, mostly because i got it at forever 21 and i wouldnt want someone else to be wearing the exact same thing.

yesterday: CARRRRRR-OOOOOOO-LIIIIIIIIING!!! so fucking cool - right steif?

today: xmas shopping with the sibs! i love that so much. gail, jon, and paul also fly in today. although it doesnt feel like christmas the same way it usually does, im beginning to feel the "cheer" nonetheless. as for presents, chris's little skateboard collage is coming along well and hopefully it will end up looking awesomely cool and creative. i wish i could have gotten more for rachie, stef and deeds, but i have no money! but actually, after blwoing up our "the clique" photos in our shirts, maybe ill feel satisfied.

im feeling very full lately - not stomach full, but emotionally full and satisfied and happy. its a good time of year and i think most people are beginning to feel a lot better. i think about chocolate leaving a lot but its not such a heart wrenching feeling, its more of a... sad but really accepting feeling. remember, "it is worthwhile crossing great rivers."

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oh shit [20 Dec 2003|05:07pm]
all i know is that if this doesnt follow through tongiht i am going to fucking kill because everyone knows ive been waiting for this forevvvvvver.
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pictures on haight [20 Dec 2003|12:08pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | the cranberries ]

im going to get a livejournal or deadjorunal that i have to pay for so that i can put pictures in and stuff. PICTURES! screaming "holla" out the sun roof while speading down haight and running around the city taking pictures like how they do in spice world. stefi trying to drive, singing kareoke and me kicking your guys' ass... ah, good times.

i treasure my youth.

well, then agaiin, it quite sucks as well. we stopped at saint mary's for stefi and maggie was telling us about the 3 years she spent in there. whenever i hear about stuff like that my wrists start to throb and it drives me crazy. half way through on our ride home i couldnt breathe so i had to stick my head out the window and swallow in the city lights and energy and air. oh, and by the way, my mom got fired.

it all sounds so cynical but im actually in a good mood - it was just weird to think about how much was crossing through my mind. i imagined us dying multiple times, like how i used to.

but i dont mean to sound pessamistic or in a bad mood becaaaaaause today im HAPPY! because i had fun last ngiht and i cant wait for tongiht and because stefi and rachel were talking about how much happier they are.

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i just wont shut up, will i? [17 Dec 2003|11:37pm]
its so crazy because after november 30th i couldnt stop crying or mopeing (especially for the past few days, ending about 2 days ago) and today i seriously cannot stop SMILING!

my face hurt and im glad it does
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scream it from the rooftops! [17 Dec 2003|10:19pm]
i dont care if no one else wants to hear it, I AM IN LOVE! i love the way he says i love you and i love the way he smells and i love it when he carries me into the boys bathroom and i love the way he kisses me (duhhh) and shhhh! don't tell him this because its a big secret but i even love it when he kisses my stomach :)

girls - i appreciate the civilarity between you and chocolate because i've been really happy the past few days. im glad weve been getting along well and i love you guys forever!

ahhhhhhhh. im trying to think of words to type!
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"baby you are amazing" [17 Dec 2003|09:15pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

hmmm la di da. having fun with the girls, having fun with the boy, i will live these last few weeks to the FULLEST!! even though hes grounded, ill work around it. im going to do so awesome on my history final and christmas is in 6 days and i wont have school for 2 weeks! plus, literature of war unit is overrrr and we get to read macbeth and its GOOD! which is not as cool as everything else, but still exiting.

our nutcracker tickets are the LAST FUCKING ROW in the house!!! so typical... we will bring binoculars! i am tres exited - last time i went they had a 'snow machine' outside of the opera house!

psalmy i love you! helllllllllof studdy buddies.

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mad crazy [15 Dec 2003|08:36pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | "psalms kazaa mix" ]

we decorated the xmas tree tongiht (well my fam did anyway) but it doesnt feel like xmas at allll.

i had a pretty good day today, i had fun singing im a barbie girl with you steif :) but yeah, it was nice and "chillax" and such, although kind of upsetting to read colettes journal but hey, what can you do. if she feels like im not a good enough friend then i dont nkow what to do. parents are weird, and im sorry you dont get along with yours. im sorry you felt left out my the clique but thats how its always been and i dont know what to say about changing that. im sorry you think i pay too much attention to them and chris but theyre the people i love. i dont know what else you could expect from me other then that.

girls - i really, really want to be the old jenna and ive implied it but ive never said it strait out. i was caught off gaurd for a few days because i thought i had been changing so much but then it was still "Jenna Marx: at her worst" and that was really discouraging and i didnt know how to respond.

maggie's bday friday, and then nutcracker saturday!!! yayayay.
im not going to let shit like tongiht bring me down

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brisk city days and blonde haired boys and GROWING [14 Dec 2003|05:20pm]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | smashing pumpkins ]

i was in the worst mood ever last night and i was mid-writing the bitchiest entry ever about how i "give up" and all this negative bullshit, and then rachel came over so i quickly exed out of it and then we had a fab time and i never had to write it! it was fun just being crazy with racehl and even the show want horrible horrible horrible (just horribel) cause i had fun chillnig with the hillsdale boys at the end.

we went to the city today and it was really cool, there are soooo many cute clothes out there right now and im having trouble resisting!! psalm and dd got their formal dresses and they both look so grogeous in them, im tres jealous of them. hopefully ill find a cute hippie-ish dress... formal should be fun :) i had a few bad-mood moments today though (im sorry dd! and psalmy too). just thinking about stefi totally depresses me because a) i hate acknowledging the fact that i barely have a friendship with the person i care about most who ive loved since i was 2 and b) i hate acknowledging that i dont know what to do to get her back because i dont know spacifically how ive changed so much - i thought i did, but i guess i was wrong because those aspects have changed and i guess i havent.

my mom is hysterical right now because she cooked the meat in taco seasoning instead of sloppy joe seasoning, and because dad moved some of her stuff somewhere she didnt want them. mothers are way too sensative!! and were about to go get our christmas tree when it doesnt feel like christmas at all... there is A LOT to do tonight!!

last night while watching how to deal i kept thinking of tim, and then i fell asleep on the couch thinking about travel and mystery and experiance. tim has taught me how important it is to live

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[13 Dec 2003|01:38pm]
i dont believe in god or anything. all i believe in is science (I.E.: all unexplainable) and the all-knowing I Ching book. he leaves around the 25th and the book has reassured me that this will be good (not eating at home is lucky. crossing great rivers is worthwhile... watch nourishment, and seek personal fulfillment yourself... thunder means getting through successfully.)

i really dont know what do to about the girls. i wishhh i could make things better but i dont know what to do. ah, im working on it.
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I AM EXAUSTED [13 Dec 2003|12:40am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | john mayer ]

so much so much so much shit. i must make things better, i must make MONEYY, i must buy christmas presents, i must soak up this time with chocolate, i must studyyy, i must find something that puts me at peace with this year and last's tragedys.

drama today - the clique VS chris, blah blah blah. i dont mean to sound annoid by it because im not - i know my girls are only worried about me and im so grateful for that - im just really... tired. its hard that baisically the only people that i care about are at war with each other. i was really emotional about this earlier - i couldnt even stop myself from crying while cheryl was driving me home - but after i talked to both of them and they talked to each other i chilled out. ive begun to think of it like... wow, it could be worse. or, wow, i have so many people that i lvoe that love me back.

ah, rumors, rumors, rumors. so many conflicts, so little time/energy/patience. honestly you guys, i love you and i could care less about how much my best friend and my boyfriend like eachother, but its when it gets uncivil that its just opsetting. i love yall!

actuallly i just remembered thast when dd and spalm were over i was telling them how they always come first and they like... laughed, and rolled their eyes. i guess that was a bit of a shock and one of the biggest things that have helped me see what kind of a person i must look like to them. its so funny because since we went on our break i had been feeling so much more confident about myself and also about our realtionship. its a serious letdown that i guess things werent as improved as i hads thought, but whatevs.. there are bigger problems out there, and i can deal.

i really miss rachel, and stefi... oh, good lord i miss stefi :`(

J Pimp's fact of the day: from the day Gregory died to the day he was buried there was a rainbow everyday - and a double rainbow the day he died and the day he was buried.

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hole [12 Dec 2003|03:56pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | 3eb (you nkow the song) ]

i dont know, maybe im just a bitch and i shouldnt be thinking about what to talkk to chris's mom about at dinner or doing the bang bang and maybe my mind should be only on tim (and everyone) else and not even on my girls or school or chris leaving. but dude DONT THINK THAT I DONT THINK ABOUT ALL THESE TRAGEDYS THAT WEVE HAD. maybe no one sees that ive been thinking about tim, vicky, gregory - everyone - nonstop, but i really ahve and its just upsetting that its affected me so much and i feel like no one sees that.... all they see is this bitch girl whining about her boyfriend. but i guess mauybe thats the reputation ive set for myself.

ok. i know - we all know - that best friends are once in a lifetime, and theyll always always be there. i would never let a guy come between our friendship, but it seems like chris already has in a way. i mean, they really really hate him and i dont know how much hate should exist between my best friends and my boyfriend. i didnt think that them not liking each other would break up our friendships, but they really like... hate me. and i dont want that, at all, ever, and even though it would kill me i would in a 1 seconds decision never look at chris again for those girls. i mean, i never thought that it would have to come to that point, but i dont know... maybe this is a point enough. but then again, if ive already changed so badly then theyre going to dislike me whether im with him or not, right? i dont know, i had really wanted to just like... live it up these last 2 weeks to a month or whatever but i dont know... i also wouldnt want it to be a situation thats like, megan-ish even though i havent ditched them or anything. its like... whatever i can do to fix things ill do it, but i also know them and i know appoloigizies arent anything and i know that if i dont even know spacifically how i changed (i know, just not very well) then i cant just snap by fingers and be "back" and i dont even know how much stopping things with chris would even help me there. im just racking my brain for what to do because i genuinely want things to be the same with us again but i also know that they can easily see that i genuinly dont want to end anythnig with chris and genuinely dont know how to "change" myself back.

whatever, you girls know i love you and that you always come first and that id do anything for you. if you can tell me what i should do or what you want to happen then i will gladly take that in. until then ill just ponder or what has changed so very much and how to change it back.

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