Jacqueline's Journal
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Saturday, November 26, 2005
6:19PM
Yes my friends, I like Virgil have made the pilgrimage to the upper levels of hell. Otherwise known as purgatory.. and I learned a great many things during my brief visit with the truly corrupted.
I learned that ‘door buster deals’ bring out the lioness in every woman.
I learned that no amount of self-control will save you from the ‘After Thanksgiving Sale’
I learned that women, are the most VILE shoppers on the face of the planet.
I learned that men will do anything, ANYTHING to make the nagging stop. (even if that means ripping the shirt a child is holding for its mother RIGHT OUT OF ITS HANDS!)
I learned that even women can be ‘resourceful’ when it comes to a pee- break during a fitting room session.
- item one - two big shopper bags from Macy's
- item two - transfer all items to ONE of those bags
- item three - squat and pee into empty Macy's bag
- item four - finsih trying on outfits. make purchase and leave..
fyi - i work stock i have NO idea if this person MADE a purchase... however.. I did get to clean up the.. present she left behind in our fitting room
But that’s not the HALF of it..we also found a.. how shall I say.. used love golve....
Now.. If working retail the weekend after thanksgiving doesn’t EARN me a by pass to the pearly gates….
IM SOOOOOOO DOOMED!
Monday, November 21, 2005
1:10PM - I probably wont be back here
if your a friend of mine on blurty then you know my check ins on here are FEW and FAR between...
but I do want to let you know that you can find me.. if you care to..
at
www.myspace.com/mythalyn
God bless and good luck!
Monday, September 12, 2005
7:39PM - 3D
Dark desperate days
Don’t ask me to explain it, because I cant. Yet once again Im finding my self in the middle of a deep dark moment that wont give me peace.
Honestly I know how lucky I am. I am more then able to count my blessings.
Im healthy
Im feed
Im able to attend school and further my education
I have a job that works around my school schedule and those moments when my mother needs me at home.
I get along with my parents
I have a car that actually runs
I get along with my siblings
I have amazing friends
There are actually people out in the world that would miss me if I were gone
So why do thoughts of leaving them appeal to me?
I found out yesterday that a friend of mine has just survived his initial battle with leukemia. And he has found a new joy in living. And he even though he just got through this hell of a treatment he is happy to be here. And as happy as I am that he is doing well, I couldn’t help but think of how I would have handled the same situation. And let me tell you.. I don’t think I would have fought so hard to survive it. I honestly don’t think I care that much.
I know its wrong to think like that. I know its wrong to take my good fortune for granted. Its wrong to not acknowledge all the blessings God as heaped upon my life, soul and well being.
But this shadow of self-defeating energy keeps overwhelming me. I often feel like Im drowning in a wasteland of my own making. Yet I cant get a handle on my self before Im neck deep in shit. The meds my doctor gave me do help. This shadow of self-pity isn’t nearly as large nor as prominent in my life as it once was.
But am I happy about that?
Am I thankful for the small step towards emotional well being?
No.. Im pissed at my self for letting it get to me at all.
Im disappointed in my self for not keeping true to who I know I am somewhere in side.
Im irritated at my self for not doing better by me!
And Im just plain sick of days like this were all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide from the world, myself included.
Current mood: 
discontent
Wednesday, September 7, 2005
11:10AM - just stoping buy
there are very few people left on here that i actually talk to.
most of them are now on seperate sites and i never remember to come back and check....
sorry guys!
Friday, June 3, 2005
12:57PM - Basic hello
Yes Im still here, still alive and fighting. Haha
I just finished my first semester at San Jose State, and Im quite numb about the whole thing. I honestly don’t care how I did, or if Im going again next fall. Im utterly burnt out on the entire school thing. .. to bad I cant take a permanent leave of absence. I fear death by father WAY to much for that. Maybe I’ll take a semester off? Eh I doubt it. O well..
SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!!!
Current mood: numb
Current music: Schools out for summer
Monday, May 16, 2005
12:32AM - are you a killer?
I have to many names dang it!!
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12:32AM - are you a killer?
I have to many names dang it!!
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Friday, May 6, 2005
1:21AM - done for the boys
enjoy buttheads!
Part 1- The Basics
1) Name JACQUELINE MARIE CATHERINE GARICA
2) Sex YES PLEASE…
3) Sexual Preference I PREFERE TO HAVE THE VIDEO OFF THANK YOU!
4) Single, Taken, or Swinger SINGLE /TAKE ME SWINGING
5) Favorite Position DRIVING
6) Kinkiest Fetish BITTING
7) Biggest Turn-Off BURPING…
8) City SAN JOSE
9) State CALIFORNIA
10) Have you ever transcended space and/or time? YES..
11) What’s the 3rd and 4th rule of Fight club? YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB
Part 2- Word Play
12) Mastodon- Band or Elephant? ELEPHANT
13) Thesaurus- Book or Dinosaur? BOOK
14) Chile, Chili, or Chilly Willy? PENGUIN!!
15) Drag Queen, Dairy Queen, or Steve McQueen? STEVE MCQUEEN HE DORVE A FAST MACHINE.. RIGHT?
16) Two, Too, To, or Tutu? TOO
17) Toto- Band or Dog? DOG
18) Deftones or Def Jam? DEFTONES..
19) 3 Musketeers, 3’s a crowd, or 3 some? CANDY CANDY NOW!
20) Gratuity, gratuitous, or, “I have to check the dictionary.” (Be honest!) GRATUITY
21) Synonym or Cinnamon? SYNONYM.. I DON’T LIKE CINNAMON
22) I scream, Ice Cream, or “I saw Scream and it sucked!” I SAW SCREAM AND IT SUCKED
23) Petri- Dinosaur or Birthplace? HAHAHA!!! DID I FLY? NO YOU FALL!!
24) What’s your favorite Bush (or Busch)? GIVE ME THE BEER PLESE!
25) She looked hella fine, she looked like a dog, or she looked legal? LEGAL!
26) Capt. Kirk, Capt. Crunch, or Capt. Kangaroo? CRUNCH TIME CAPT.
27) Jesus- The messiah, or the guy who mows my lawn? MESSIAH YOU JERKS!
28) Cock- Rooster, something to fill cracks, or something to fill cracks?ROOSTER.. SHIT FOR FILLING CRACKS IN CONSTRUCTION IS COLCK NO COCK YOU DORKS!
29) Records- Got a lot of’em, got a long one, or, “Dad, what’d you do to your CD’s?!” GOT A FEW..
28) Toys R’Us, Kids R’Us, or Kids are F%@king annoying? TOYS ARE US..
Part 3- The Gauntlet
29) If a prostitute is hired for a gang-bang, and there’s more then 8 guys in the party, does she get to charge gratuity? HELL YEAH!
30) Last independent film (not limited release, such as Garden State or Closer) you saw? GILGAMESH!!
31) Silk, Satin, or Cotton? SATIN
32) Red Pill or Blue Pill? FUCK!
33) Favorite Stooge? EL MESH!
34) Favorite Zombie Movie? DAWN OF THE DEAD (ONLY CUZ THE HAMILOTN BOOK AHSNT BEEN RELEASED)
35) Dino or Astro? SCOOBY
36) Famous person you’d like to see in a loincloth- DAVE NAVARRO
37) Nougat or Nugent? NUGENT BABY!! I’LD SURVIVE!
38) Llama or emu? LLAMA
39) Favorite Marsupial? KOALA
40) Kabuki- Play, or something found in your soup? GAME
41) Favorite Prime-time Midget? MIDGETS GET PRIME TIME?
42) NBA, NRA, or Canada, eh? NHL DIPSHIT!
43) Ninja or Pirate? PIRATE CUZ THEY LIKE BOOTY
44) Oedipus- Tragic or kinky? KINKY BABY..
Part 4- Science
45) What is Nougat? THE FILLING TO A CANDY BAR
46) Why do I need Riboflavin? UH…. NO SE
47) Nova- Old car, big explosion, or no go? 300 POUND PAPER WEIGHT
48) Creation or Evolution? CREATION
49) What is a muppet? A PERSON WITH JIM HENSONS HAND UP HIS ASS
50) Does size really matter? YEAH DUH!
Part 5- Myth or not?
51) Gravity FACT
52) Vitamin C MYTH
53) Unicorn MYTH
54) Female Orgasm MYTH!!
55) Male Sensitivity FACT
56) Gilgamesh FACT
57) Home Depot Customer Service MYTH
58) AOL High Speed Internet MYTH
59) Pop Rocks and Coke FACT
60) Dick Clark FACT
61) Heaven FACT
62) Hell FACT (HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE MOTORHOME AFTER TACO BELL?
63) Rebirth MYTH
64) Browns playoff dreams MYTH
Part 6- The Dirt
65) Lube- Store-bought, natural, or whatever you can find? NATURAL
66) Favorite Food After Sex? STEAK
67) Favorite position AFTER sex? DRIVING HOME
68) Most people you’ve ever done it with at the same time? 1
69) Worst thing someone’s ever said to you during sex? ….
70) Ever been caught? NO
71) Ever liked it? SURE
72) Foreplay- for it or against it? DEPENDS ON HIS IDEA OF FORPLAY
73) Anal- Si or No? HELL FUCK NO
74) Masturbation- Sometimes, all the time, or at set times, or after Buffy? NEVER
75) Loud or Quiet? QUIET
76) What’s your fantasy? TO BEAT YOU TWO WITH A STUPID STICK!
77) Kama Sutra- Sex book, super punctuation, or that bitch owes me money? BOOK
78) If you had to choose your STD, what would you pick, and why? I WOULDN’T.. THEY ALL WRONG!
79) Lights on or off? DIM LIGHTING
Part 7- Word Association
80) Pez DISPENSOR
81) Michael Jackson THRILLER
82) Yak ITY YAK DON’T TALK BACK
Part 8-Philosophical Question
Here’s your chance- feel free to add questions to this section before sending to your friends. We got a few to start you off with.
83) Why do we have minesweepers, but no mine dustpan? CUZ ONES YOU SWEEP THE MIND THIERS NOTHING LEFT
84) Why do they call’em fruit roll-ups when they really roll down? CUZ THEY GET ROLLED P FOR PACKAGING
85) Why is it they call it takin a dump when you’re actually leavin it? CUZ YOU CARRY IT TO THE POT SHIT HEADS
86) Where the hell did all the red states come from? (Last time I checked, the “reds” were the commies.) HAHAH YO NO SE
87) Why is it that I have webbed feet and I still can’t swim? TRY PUTTING WATER IN THE POOL
Thursday, March 3, 2005
11:07AM - got me down
You know..
Im not sure what my problem is..
If I did I would fix it..
But as it is …
I cant even identify the difference between…
what is just a little annoying..
And what will send me into a tail spin of self doubt..
And no.. I don’t expect you to fix it..
I don’t want you to fix it..
I don’t even want you to know about it..
So why am I typing this?
Because Im going crazy… that’s why!
It got to the point today where
I couldn’t stop the thoughts flying through my head
I couldnt sleep the time away
cuz the nightmares wont let me rest
and I couldn’t zone into the tv either
mom was watching ‘starting over’ which I normally love to watch
yeah today… not so much..
Im running on autopilot ..
with a time share in numb..
and a vacation spot in anger management..
not to mention the flight through denial getting me from here to there..
on the positive side of deceit Im sleeping better at night..
well more consecutive nights in a row anyway..
which is a big step in the right direction let me tell you!!
Sleep is my friend..
The dreams are not..
And to be honest the dreams aren’t the problem..
There a symptom of what’s bugging me..
I just wish I could figure out what that was..
Now don’t get me wrong..
if I really wanted to
I could probably come up with a laundry list
Of things that trigger my moods..
The problem with that?
Is that it makes me focus on those triggers
There by focusing me on my emotions
And I’ve been doing okay avoiding them lately
Well.. sort of..
Haha
I have been avoiding dealing with them..
Though they continue to attack.. more and more..
Like Friday… hanging with kit and cookie..
Yeah just couldn’t feel it..
Couldn’t get into it..
And I talked my self in to dessert..
Which FYI – I didn’t need..
GRR
Just another thing I need to remember to focus on..
My self deprecating nature..
Most of which I focus on my physical appearance..
Its easier to joke about with out telling people much about me..
Its when that defense mechanism of humor
Hits on a mental issue..
that I realize I need to shut the hell up and leave the room..
grrr
sometimes knowing how I react to things
is just as bad as having the things to react to
in the first place..
because your defense mechanism
wont work
if you recognize it as a defense mechanism
so I guess I need to find another coping device..
like liquor!! Yeah that works for millions!!
Haha kidding!!
Seriously though.. I need to make a decision
about my life..
And where I want it headed..
I get to choose whether I want to self-destruct
or be happy healthy and whole..
the only problem.. to get to the happy healthy and whole..
I have to face all the demons I’ve been avoiding all these years..
And I don’t think I can do it on my own..
The real sad thing.. I don’t know of anyone that can help..
I used to think I had some one who would help..
Now.. Im not so sure..
Current mood: 
drained
Current music: All Shall Perish
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
10:55AM - its been a while
Yeah its been awhile since I’ve made an actually entry here.. so lets play catch up.. ready…
CATCH UP!!
Little engine that could..
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can,
I think I can be the person you want me to be
I think I can be the person you wish me to be
I think I can be the person you need me to be
This really hurts, the change your asking of me
This really sucks, the pain your putting me through
This really bites, and its leaving a scar
I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could,
I thought I could be the person you wanted me to be
I thought I could be the person you wished me to be
I thought I could be the person you needed me to be
But Im dying in side,
I cant, I cant, I cant
Im dying in side,
I cant, I cant, I cant
but you know me better then that...
I will be the person you wish me to be
want me to be
and need me to be..
there is no other option
Just be patient as this last part of me dies
I don’t know what to think,
How to act,
What to do,
…Confused…
…Hurt…
…Stupefied…
…Hollow…
Caught … … …
Between what I want ...
While knowing.. it isn’t mine to reach for …
So I’ll stand here in the rain ...
and wait for the door to open …
…Confused…
…Hurt…
…Stupefied…
…Hollow…
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So lately I have been dealing with dizzy spells and sleepless nights..
Well I finally broke down and went to the doctor for the dizzy spells cuz I missed two shifts do to it.. and I need $$$$$
So yeah I have to fix this!
well.. she claims the dizzy spells are the result of a viral infection, or a minor disease that I cant spell or pronounce that means my equilibrium is all effed up...
yeah me!!
fyi - on the disease.. it could lead to hearing loss if thats what I have....
not a good sign seeing as how I abhor silence and love music, movies, tv, conversations.. and you know.. LIFE!!
so now Im a little scared cuz the dizzy spells started long before the flue virus knocked me on my butt.. so.. its likely to be this other thing...
yeah and the sleepless nights... we are currently attributing to the side effects of depression.. which I find highly entertaining…
I know I have battled with my self to let go of issues that drag me down.. and those that know me.. know the history is long..
Therapy at 17-18 didn’t help.. in fact she only pissed me off.. blaming all the outside problems.. Ie- get away from your church and your parents and I’m sure you’ll be fine.. yeah she told me that verbadim … that last time I saw her..
Cuz im sorry.. werent/ arent my parents paying for school, and medical... not to mention my car insurance, room and bored and food.. yeah.. and im leaving that why?!!.. and lets not forget my fear of hell being one of the only things that kept the suicidal comments at just jokes… .. yeah….. crack head!
So I must admit im not totally surprised that my doctor prescribed anti depressants…
Especially after the break downs I had this last year….
Running back real quick…
Dec – tears while witting in my living room with caysen and cookie.. when there was NOTHING WRONG…..
Oct- alone after BJ’s dinner for my birthday… (again.. not sure why)
August – on the 20th after my car wreck.. (more about my grandfathers death then anything else.. he died 2 days earlier)
July – total mental breakdown at Christians while talking to ruben…
I don’t think I ever fully got over that…
Not sure I ever will… and the strange thing is.. im not sure.. why it effects me so much.. why they meant that much to me.. or why I cant get over it…
Anyway… im on a 6 week trial of anti depressants.. after which we might add therapy.. .. if I can get pop to go along with it…
He wasn’t to happy about it the last time.. but he let me go.. until the doctor proved to be a quack…haha
Its funny though…. I didn’t have the nerve to tell him the pills were anti depressants… I told him they were sleep aides.. and he said you sleep fine… you’ld sleep better if you weren’t on the phone all night…
GRRRR
Yeah.. that might be true … if for the fact that im on the phone because im bored and I CANT FREAKING SLEEP!! And it gives me something to do…
But does he think that.. no.. will he accept that.. no..
O well… he doesn’t get it.. I mean hell he’s up every night til 2 am… so its not like he can sleep either!!!
But he sees that as normal.. cuz its always been like that for him..
Seriously.. my mom and I both think the mans bi-polar.. but he doesn’t believe in mental illness.. hell he barely believes in seeing doctors for physical problems.. let alone mental ones… OY
Okay that’s enough of a soul spill for today…
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To all those in love,
in a relationship,
or in love with being in love..
Have a good night…
this days is dedicated to you…
For every one else....
I feel the need to vent about the false love in this damned holiday..
Bare with me..
Im really tired of watching this played out holiday..
I mean honestly?
.. if it comes down to a national declaration to show your love for some one..?
..how serious about them are you..?
false romance on an appointed day…?
is this just your raggedy, tired excuse to not show affection the other 364 days of the year..?
if so.. then why break a perfect record..?
now don’t get me wrong LOTS of people feel really good about this holiday..
and back in grade school, when it was all about teenage mutant ninja turtle cards and candy hearts you could throw at people, so was I..
but as I get older, all I see is the capitalistic
- BUY ME SHIT TO PROVE YOU LOVE ME –
side of the day..
and that’s utter crap!
In fact.. don’t ever buy me something because you feel obligated to do so..
(and this goes for Christmas as well)..
Give me something because you want to..
Because seeing it made you think of me…
Because you thought it would make me happy..
But for the love of God DO NOT
buy me something because you’re supposed to..
Because you feel its your duty to honor the day..
Or because hallmark tells you to!
Grow a back bone
some testicles
and tell me you love the day before
(or the day after..) valentines..
when you actually mean it..
Sunday, February 20, 2005
5:56PM
Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male |
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve |
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| JACQUELINE |
| J |
is for |
Joyous |
| A |
is for |
Abstract |
| C |
is for |
Caring |
| Q |
is for |
Quintesential |
| U |
is for |
Unforgettable |
| E |
is for |
Enlightened |
| L |
is for |
Legendary |
| I |
is for |
Intense |
| N |
is for |
Nervy |
| E |
is for |
Earnest |
Monday, February 7, 2005
9:25PM - endless loop
So life is an endless loop-
what was felt in the past
will be felt in the future
tears shed will be revisited
and pain forgotten will be reborn
that is all it is, an endless cycle
of recognition spotted by the
appearance and disappearance,
of pain upon our beings
specks of joy to highlight the memory
stains of pain to make them set
its true that happy memories are more abundant
but the painful ones are better engraved in the mind
painted faces at a childs birthday party
wash clean with in the week
but the scar acquired by falling off your bike
will mark your skin for years
and even when its fade and barely visible
you’ll remember what you did to get that mark
memories are the same..
the happy ones stay for a while
and make us love the ones we’re with
but the painful ones last much longer
then the friendship even tainting the new arrivals in our lives
Im ranting cuz I don’t know what else to do
I cant say what is on my mind
For fear of the repercussions
But my body is tired from the weight of carrying this burden
Fear of rejection or rather being proven right
Paralyzes me into silence
If I dont speak the boogey man wont find me
And steal my dreams away
But if I stay silent much longer
My dreams will pass me by
Current mood: 
nervous
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
6:21PM - ???
Im tired of being cut...
Im tired of others cutting away pieces of my hear...
Im NOT a lizard.. this shit doesnt GROW BACK...
Im tired of being cut out of peoples lives..
Im tired of there significant others replacing our friendship..
Im tired of losing people...
Im tired of trying to mend the damage distance, or lost time has caused
Im tired of cutting my self to see if I still feel
Im tired of cutting my self (emotionally) to verify that Im alive
Im tired of being tired..
but most of all Im tired....
of not knowing...
not knowing where I stand
not knowing how to act or what to say
not knowing who to turn to for comfort or help
not knowing if its okay to call
not knowing if your okay.. or if your hurting
not knowing how to help you or my self
but most of all I hate not knowing…
how you feel about me..
how this will play out..
how you could possibly love me?
But most of all I want to know why
Why didn’t you leave
Why did you leave the way you did
Why wont you leave…
Why do I hurt myself this way
Why do I allow my emotions to over run my mind
Why cant I let things lie and be happy
Why do so many people tell me they love me
Only to leave me with my tears
Current mood: crushed
Current music: behind blue eyes
Friday, November 19, 2004
7:56PM - ima regret this in the morning
More basket casing..
Logically I know I should remain silent until the hormones cease…
But im female.. so F*ing sue me
I read something today that made me think..
Guys play into chicks WAY to much
And I know from experience
That they put a drama queen significant other over an honest friend every time
Why?/…
Cuz a sad smile and spread thighs will make any male stop and turn around…
I hate… my self for thinking it
But life has yet to prove me F*ing wrong..
So F**K it
Forget friends…
Forget this…
Forget hope..
Hope is a mean little witch
She only gives you enough to hang your self with
Thursday, November 18, 2004
10:10AM - basket case
I find very unnerving to have such a drastic mood swing, its unlike me…
Im usually really good at bottling my emotions and pretending they aren’t there…
But right now its like Im feeling things more intensely then is merited.
The other day I felt truly blessed by my friends.. and now a mere.. 48 hours later I feel insecure in my relationships, vulnerable and utterly unprotected.
What has happened to alter this?.. hell if I know… but I have a feeling it has a lot to do with me allowing my self happiness.
You see I cant do that. I cant just BE happy….. if I let my guard down something/ someone will hurt me.. and yes I put those in the right order..
For example nohl is coming to visit, I should be excited… but im dreading what it will feel like once he leaves again…
Example.. roo is moving 45-60 min. away from me.. no he is moving to go to school it just feels like he is moving away from me…that might have a lot to do with the fact that he is taking holly and mesh with him… and I already feel like an outsider there.. really long story I don’t feel like crying in the EVC library so im not getting into it now
Example… caysen is coming to hang out… I havent seen him in over 3 years… okay re-phrase… I haven’t hung out with him in 3 years… I should be ecstatic.. like no one realizes how much this boy means to me… if I had the money I’ld fully make allemony payments to a man I never married just to be sure he had what he needed… its an overprotective thing a fully unhealthy one at that but I don’t care… but I cant be exited about this visit because far to often life happens… I cant relax and be happy about him coming cuz …. Hope is a rare commodity.. and hoping for something that seems likely but has a good chance of not happening scares the living hell outa me..
Why set my self up for a fall…
Like I told Julie last night I know these thoughts are irrational.. and as greg so kindly pointed out last night im female.. im not rational or logical.. well greg can fucking bite me!.. I feel insecure enough with out him pointing out my downfalls.. I find my short comings well enough on my own thank you very much! …
See one line gets tripped in these booby traps and they all start going off..
Anyway what I meant to say is that when it comes to caysen, fate seems to be against us.. we have tried to hang out and life happens.. and this time he says he is coming and I want to believe him… and I can believe he is coming if I put it in context that doesn’t involve him coming for me… what I mean to say is… I feel like the last 3 years we have tried on occasion to hang out .. and its always felt like a half ass job.. on both parts…
This current time I do think he will make it and we will hang out.. but I don’t think it from a want to see me.. but to meet a friend of mine.. lets just say I feel like I had to bribe her with shoes and baked goods and bribe him with her… granted it wasn’t a planned thing but insecurity takes over and shit gets said like I dare to make sure he comes if you get him here I’ll bake for you… if you get him to stay the whole time you’re here I’ll buy you shoes…
Even if I sat down to think about it.. those ideas wouldn’t have come up cuz I generally don’t like to manipulate people I care about… and I seriously don’t think it works on them.. cuz I feel to guilty to follow through with it…
Okay this thing just took a NASTY little turn….
And Im not ready to walk down that street so Im backing the fuckup…
I started this entry to try and make sense of why my emotions are beating the hell outa me right now… why Im letting my own insecurities get to me.. and why it has all of a sudden become REALLY important for my friends to ‘need’ or ‘want’ me around…
I have said before that life moves in cycles… from joy t trouble and back…
I haven’t felt a storm brewing like this since July, which has been the worst one come to date… scratch that rephrase… July was the most emotional one come to date but it wasn’t the worst.. the worst was sophomore year of high school… but Im not ready to re-open that wound either…
Damn it that’s two wounds I stumbled on today what the hell is wrong with me…
You know what…
Please …
Don’t answer that…
Current music: bush-swallowed
Sunday, November 14, 2004
10:07AM - I guess I needed a good cry…
I guess I needed a good cry…
Last night I watched I am Sam.. I teared up and shed a few random tears… (probably would have been worse had my sister not been in the room)
How do I know?.. cuz today I watched Lilo and Stitch by my self… and I cried… full on had to hold my breathe to control the sobs cry… several times…
My head hurts from th effort to control my wailing during that film…
I guess I have been blocking my own emotions so long, I never know what Im feeling…
Yeah.. I just need a good cry…
The sad thing is, Im not sure what the tears are for.. and if I start a laundry list of reasons, I could be here all day.
And by the end I wont be able to see the screen through the tears in my eyes..
And right now, I just don’t have the heart for it.
Current mood: cold
Current music: whiskey lullaby - brad paisley
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
9:10PM
I had an interesting conversation today.
about actions and fear based motives..
and after a lot of thought I realized why I tend to drive others away,
why I push aside those that say they care
and why Im most content when Im raging mad at some one..
its because.. ---
if I keep my-self buried under fear I will suffocate
but if allow my self the hope or opportunity to fly I will recognize what Im missing
once I fall..
the comfort I feel from the constant weight of fear holding me back
is safer then fear of rising to the height of lifes opportunities only to be dropped
Sunday, November 7, 2004
10:43PM - interesting
i find it highly interesting how people that seem really important
either vanish quickly.. or need constant maintenance ..
and how those that tend to suffer from out of site outa mind..
continue to re-enter my life..
and still maintain that level of trust and closeness
with out effort...
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These two hotties are Crystal and Julie..cracked out on starbucks..
Julie looking damn tempting with her fuzzy cuffs!
My rent a brother Caysen and me
Caysen being a rock god!
Kat being cute with Lexi
HALLOWEEN – need I say more…
Me and Julie Being cute!
Where my girls at!!
Caysen being .. himself..
This is Christian.. 
More Halloween..
yeah one more
My B-Day dinner
Me and Robert
Lars.. being… himself?..haha
Caysen Julie and me.. feel the love?
yeah more love..
the floor is uneven!!
My little brother and his lady..
Matt and Ryan 
one of those undeniable truths..
This is one of those moments.. where.. the picture says it all..
Caysen and kat.. so cute!
Carlos and Karina..
and goofyness insues!
see I told you!
me and the girls!..
she fell again..
its magic I tell you magic!
this is what happens when I turn my back!
then the love happens..
Who wants a cookie?
shoes to rule the world in
Meeting Craig – from ASP
Crystal being a star!
Its SAL!!
what could this mean?!?!
and some shitty pics of me…
though I don’t fully hate this one… go figure..