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Blurty for Maryam.
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| Thursday, September 4th, 2003 |
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| People. When I stay in my own little shell things are so simple. No one to judge. No one to make me feel bad. My own little world, with my own problems. Problems I don't lye on anyone else. Just feelings eating away, eating away inside of me. My thoughts, own being thought to myself. My world only with my worries. | ||
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| Sunday, June 1st, 2003 |
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| My 16th Birthday. I counted down since the beginining of May and guess what? I am 16! I had a good birthday to say the least. I found out I passed the FCAT, I fitgured out that if anything ever happened to me Ivy will be their for me,,,And i got to talk to Sonia. I understand her alot more.. | ||
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2003 |
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| I am confussed. I have this feeling like is hard to discribe. I am frustrated and it seems mad at the world. My life is the way I alway imagine it in my head.`I don't really have someone call a "father", yes my dad lives with me but I think all he did for me was donate the sperm to bring me into this world. We can barely communicate and not due to the fact that we fight, but I can barely speak spanish and hin barely english. And yes we live in America and the native language is english and he has been here 25 years. I hope that he has and will make my mom happy. That's all I can ask. But I know that when its time for me to marry I will look for some that will be a good father and support my children. 25 more days of. That should be a good thing, but I will miss the structure of doing something everyday. My birthday is also around the corner..yeah i guess..I wish my birthday was going to be something special but I highly doubt it.. I dont even think my mom knows how much it means to me...Its not like I am going to 16 or anything right? Thats suppose to be the perfect age..Sweet Sixteen isnt it? I dont see anything sweet happening..I dont know I'm just not happy..Why I have no clue..Anyone wanna let me in on my own little secret? | ||||
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003 |
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I guess the only way to clear my head is to write: Today was an ok day. I went to every class for the second day in a row and was pretty much attentive. My aunt picked me up at 1:20 b/c I had a foot doctors appt. Well then Krueger was in the office and was like of your mom's here? And I 'm like yeah, so his is like oh maybe I should go and talk to her..and i was like how bout not. Long story short he saw my aunt and obviously thought it was my aunt. Well whatever. I went to the doctor and my appt. was at 2:15. By the time the doc saw me it was 3:35 by the time I was out of their is was 4:15. Two freaking hours at the doctors office!! I went to costco after with bobo and lost my cell phone!! That is one thing that I am tottally pissed off about! My phone is one of those things that had for comfort and know its gone. I took a science test today, and it was extremly easy. I just hope i didn;t make any careless mistakes. ::praying::Tomorrow it take your children to work day as well as early release. I don't know if I should go to school or not...still deciding..I guess I will just sleep in ..It would be nice to have a mini weekend..Read alittle and watch Harry Potter! Alrighty enough. |
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| Saturday, April 5th, 2003 |
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Spring Break is over!! Monday starts the 4th nine weeks. The grading period that I have to do outstanding. The last 9 weeks of my 10th grade career. What do people expect from me? My mom saying how messed up I've gotten. What has the weed (which I;ve never smoke) messed up my brain? Have I started actibg like myself, and not catering to her every need? Give me a break. I'll be 16 next month and I am changing. I am changing as a person, getting more confortable around people, and just want to get out of this sheltered life I've been living in. What? Am I expected to be perfect? I am so from perfect its not even funny. What do they want from me? They might as well ripe all the happiness out of me. For been 15 I'm pretty good. What she want me to change my pesonality? She has to except the way that I am. The way that I expect my own imprefections. I have gained so much weight. I've heard it twice in one day about me being fat or something to that effect. Do you have any idea how that feels? I mentally always struggle with the weight issue, and I have to always confince myself to live with it. I have been dealing with my fatness. One of my biggest inscerities. I guess starting tommorrow I will be on a diet. No more sweets. What do I do? I am drowning. |
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| Monday, March 24th, 2003 |
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Ivy is the only person I have. The only person that doesn't judge or hold things against me. She is there rain or shine ready to listen. We can laugh about the the stupids things and just a simple look in her eyes and I know exactly what she is thinking and/or feeling.l Ivy's friendship is unconditional. This is leading to me saying, I don't understand why people get to jealous when I hang out with her. My sister always taking it personal, my mom making a big deal about it. But they don't understand, Ivy is the only thing that makes me happy. Ivy is an amazing friend. A friend that can't be bought with money, a friend that is priceless. A friendship based on unconditional guidence, love, fun. Never a dull moment. Were always laughing. We make the most of every situation and We dont take ourselves seriously. I just wish people would understand this and how I feel.. I'm exhaused. The shower is running. I had a very busy day. Two days left. |
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| Monday, March 17th, 2003 |
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Ok, so this morning when I got to school I realized I had forgotten my phone. So, I was in a really bad mood all day. Second period was ok we started Julius Caeser. When I walked into my third period the desked were all moved around, so I was like oh, great. I least I was moved away from Jose, I swear he is missing a couple hundred brain cells. Forth period we did our little story telling, I spoke to Danny and asked if he wanted to work out, he said maybe. Fifth period. My teacher is gone for 6 weeks. Yeah, 6 weeks that class is going to be a mad house. 6th period was I guess 6th period. Turner is super cool so i guess it makes up for all the dump asses in that class. After school i sold ice cream and then I want to watch the volleyball game and I played a little, then at 3:40 I went looking for my dad out front and I didn't see him, so I called him and he said he is ways away and I was like shoot, I cant be late to therphy again. That just ticked me off. I already don't have the greatest feelings towards my dad so this didn't make it any better. Its sucks to be unreliable. I hate people not keeping their words, that when I make plans or say something I make sure i follow through. Anyhow Danny brought me home, and then I went to the mall with my sister. She need somes stuff for her trip to NY. Know I'm home exhausted and have no energy to take a shower. I hope the next 7 days go by quickly and manless. The days of my life are ticking away, and it's cool with me. These days ticking away will lead to great days to come. Summer school taking chem, driving, volleyball camps, getting cleared, my 16th birthday, boston all of these things but maybe not in the order. I hope tommorrow is a great day! |
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| Sunday, March 16th, 2003 |
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I wish things between my dad and I were different. It's almost impossible to communicate with him. It seems as if he is only their when we need money or othe rmaterial things. It shouldn't be like that. I wish I had a dad 100% percent. One who asked how I was doing in school, and cared. I don't "hate" my dad, but the feeling I have for him is so unnatural. I don't feel like that for anyone else. It's a feeling of annoience. I love my mom, but I don't know why she married my father. He is a great man, but what can they possibly have in common? My mom is, nice, caring, understand, stubborn, independent. Why would she want to marry my dad, he isn't too warm, or any fun to be around. I don't know where these feelings are coming from, were they always bottled up inside? They must have been. I feel extremly drained. I am exhausted. I feel like I have done a 100 mile hike. I guess I am alittle emotionally and physically drained. Why I have no clue. I feel like I can lock myself inside my room and cry for hours. My day today was pretty good: Drove w/my father and got coffee. Went and visited my cousin Arianna, man I love her soooo much, then my sisters ex-boyfriend Johnathan surprised me and picked me up from my aunts house and took me home. Then I went to mall with my sister..Got hand sanaitizer and sun screen.. ----Break----- What's wrong with me?? I have everything, and I am still unhappy? I guess it takes alot more for true happyness.. Only if [friends] they new..My life isn't perfect and happy I'm not.. I don't have enough pressure to say I'm stressed..Overwhelmed with life in general maybe. Move on with my day...After the mall I went to keep at this resturant that was like an hour away...whatever my sister ate..then I went to BN and got this good called The Color of Water, which I'm looking foward to reading. Tommorrow is Monday. Another week. I am going to need a little strength to get through this week. Hopefully this week will go by quickly...Then Three days in the next week until I'm off to Boston to seem my cousins. Thats something to look foward to. Why the heck am I crying as I am typing this? I have never felt like this before.. What a mess. Guess I'm going to take a shower..maybe that will make me feel better.. |
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Well, I did alittle more then expected tonight. I went a watched the play "Murder Me Always" which was ok, but I didn't extra credit in drama so hey.. Then when I came home I went to see The Recuit which was pretty good...not my type of movie. Tomorrow is Sunday so I guess I am just going to relax and get ready for another hectic week. This is the last full week until Spring Break!! And this week is going to go by pretty fast due to the fact that on Tuesday I have an in-school field trip..Wedesday I am going to a field trip at night..Thurday is early release..and Friday I am suppose to go on a field trip but I dont know if I really want to get dressed up and go..My jockyness has really taken over lately..I wore a skirt today for the first time in i dont know..but I guess I would wear skirts more often if we could wear flip flops to school.. I saw Sarah at the play, her brother is really cute.. Hopefully I can invite Danny to come work out with Ivy and I.. I think I am going to go to bed. Maryam |
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| Saturday, March 15th, 2003 |
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Today was just like whatever...I woke up around 9:00 and just hung out for a little bit..Then I went to the park, the jock that I am, and watched my bestfriends brothers baseball game..You've got to love those coaches..You would think they were coach a high school team..they go a little over excited.. to say the least.. I played a little catch with this kid, and he seemed surprised that a girl could through. I hate that guys thinks girls can't play any sports, who are they kidding? I have this vocab. that I should be studying but my brain is not working at this moment. I took a nape around 2:00 when I came back from the park and recently woke up.. I want to go to BN one of my favorite places, hey i know i'm such a dork! Starbucks sounds pretty good at this moment..maybe Ivy wants to go? I was thinking school isnt all that bad..I sort of like it..people i can talk to and people that on some level actually care about me..Its hard to explain. My brain i think needs to slow down...it keeps working and working..is hasnt slowed down..i guess i'm worried about they whole turning in Ivy's poem as my own..I hope she doesn't find out, and i wont do it again b/c its not fair to myself.. I have a science tests of friday, i feel pressure to do well, i guess because the teacher expects alittle more form me..its cool though.. I finally decided I want to go to FSU! UF or UCF would be fine, but FSU is my first choice.. May I can get some work done.. ~Maryam |
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Blurty for Maryam.
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blah.
aggravated.
sad.
exhausted.
calm.