| Angel of Death |
[31 Jul 2003|01:28pm] |
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mood |
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whatever |
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music |
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killed by an angel - sunny day real estate |
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so ahh... my mom talked to me this morning and we're leaving the church soon, i dunno if we're even gonna go there sunday. whatever and roberts not a deacon anymore so yea... i dunno whats happening in his head. i kinda surprised myself with my own reaction cause i'm not even like upset now...i'm just sort of... i dunno... content. maybe not even that but i just learned how to tolerate stuff. its weird cause last nite on the phone with brett i felt so helpless. it was one of those times where if there'd been someone there to hug i wouldve hugged them and started crying in their arms... i have a tendency to do that when i feel like that. but it sucked cause last nite there was no one there. i got to the point where i wanted sooooo bad to go get in bed with my mom just like i used to when i was little and just lay there and cry in her arms... thats what made me start crying and thats whats making my eyes get all watery now... ha. fun.
i feel so fucking lost. like i'm one of the biggest fuck ups ever. i screwed up my own life and then when i had the chance to fix it i willingly passed it up... and now, i cant say that i regret it, but i'm just a lot less happier overall then i've ever been. but the weird part about this is that i'm, in general, very comfortable with everything and i think thats whats sorta holding me back from doing anything with my life... but once we do leave i swear kids i'm going to hell with satan fucking applauding me. all this caring about stuff is going out the window and shattering on the ground... no more... i'll be free, but damned. its cool, i can deal...
yesterday brett was talking about kristina and it made me feel kinda sad, like cause i've been reading her journal lately and i miss her a lot... like i miss everything, i always say that but i reeeally really do.
i think i'm too empathetic. like thats why i never get mad at people. i always gotta try and see where the other person is coming from and usually i get where they're coming from, i just dont agree with what they're doing. like i'm empathetic all the time but rarely will i be sympathetic to anyone. haha, its kinda funny. i dont give people pity parties and i try not to try to have them for myself, but i dunno, lately it doesnt seem like i've been doing a good job doing that... sorry. i'm a good kid, really i am, i dont like not liking people and i dont hate anyone at all. like even yesterday when i got in a fight with randy i felt reeeally bad after even though he was really the one that started it and started being an asshole first. i just dont like conflict... i dont say anything about people behind their backs that i wouldnt say to their face, i dont start rumors, i dont even give a shit about them... i think i'm good. like i dont wanna even remotely hurt anyone, even if i dont like them... its just sometimes i get so caught up in myself that i start to lose sight of everyone else. i dont mean to... grr. i suck. i wanna leave... once we leave kids... i'm over... everything as it is now, is over.
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| *yawn* |
[31 Jul 2003|04:49pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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gotta go - agnostic front |
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im bored and no one's online i wanna talk to... :-\
i want brett to come back home. stupid beach... i hate the beach.
grr.
-~-me-~-
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| he feels alone, his heart in his hand, he's alone, he feels alone... i feel... |
[31 Jul 2003|09:25pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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poetic tragedy - the used(this is my fucking anthem) |
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i feel so alone right now.... like theres no one.
i wanna talk to kristina really badly. but i think i'm kinda scared to do it too... i'm so fucking stupid.
i wanna cry so bad. its like volcano all over again. what the hell is my problem???? what happened to everyone. its like once school started it was just downhill for EVERYONE... relationships between people that were so close suddenly disintegrated. i dunno. i feel so alone right now... like i try so hard to tell people stuff and then i come and write in this, but its like no one ever really gets anything, or if they do they cant help with it. i dont expect them to but its like right now i need that from someone and it seems like no one's getting it. i think thats why i wanna talk to kristina... i've been reading her journal and it seems like she feels the exact same way i do. but then i'm kinda scared to cause we've both changed a lot and i dunno... i'm afraid of running into another dead end.
i feel so sad right now... like lonely as fuck. i hate this. i have my away message up now... and no one's said anything... brett said 'aww' which i think kinda made it worse... i dunno. i need to talk to someone. everything's gone... shit... here come the tears again. what a fucking life i live...
its times like these i feel like... dying.
i'm scared christian left to chicago today... i'm not sure. whatever she's probably at laura's... i dont even know why i care... i... fuck... i dunno. everyone's dead... i wish i could join them.
_CANDiCE_
The cup is not half empty as pessimists say
As far as he sees nothing's left in the cup
A whole cup full of nothing for him to indulge
Since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up
A singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
He gave heed to nothing, and all that he was...
Is just a tragedy
So he voyages in circles
Succeeds getting nowhere
And submits to the substance
That first got him there
Then in violent, frustration he cries out to God or just no one
Is there a point to this madness and all that he was...
Is just a tragedy
He feels alone
His heart in his hand
He's alone
He feels alone
I feel...
Then on that last day he breaks
And he stood tall
And he yelled...and he takes his life
Poetic Tragedy
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