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29th May 2005

2:36pm: Mistakes are hard to undo.
Been a long time.

I was at the bar one night after I had gotten off work. I went by myself and when I got there I called Kane, (my boyfriend) and asked him if he would like to come. He doesn't really dig the bar scene but he wanted to hang out with me so he said he'd be there in a bit. I took a seat outside since it was deserted, sat there smoking my cigarette, drinking my white russian and just reflecting.
A guy walks by, not an attractive guy, mind you, but not ugly either. He stares me down as he walks by, and well you know me. I'm not one to be a bitch. I should start though. Might make life easier. I stared back and well what do you know. A second later the guy returns, sits down across from me, uninvited and strikes up a conversation. Lacking in the looks department, however a great conversationalist he turns out to be. And I've been dying for someone to talk to. For someone to listen to me.
Kane is great. I do appreciate him. But he's still on this break thing. He doesn't know if his feelings for me are real or not. Said he had to take a break to clear his head and see if his feelings were real or just because I was his first. Unusual to say but I wish I wasn't his first because my love for Kane runs so deep it scares me. Not that he does, because he's noble to the core and chivalrous and respectful and prides himself on being a decent honest person but he could treat me as badly as one could treat someone and I'd still grovel at his feet. He changed me. He turned my feelings back on. I used to never attach myself to anyone. Whenever I saw myself getting close to someone I'd run away. I can't take heart ache so I shy away from it. But with Kane it was different. We've been through so much and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know if his feelings for me are real or not. How could he not know?
Back to the story at hand. I tell the guy, name: Dave, that I'm waiting on Kane but that I can sit and talk to him until Kane arrives. We exchange numbers and when Kane rings my cell notifying me that hes arrived I hug Dave and even give him a kiss. Why? Hell if I know. You know me. I'm a lover. I just loved the attention he was showing me. Loved the conversation he had started with me.

When I saw Kane all thoughts of Dave went out the window. Kane has that effect on me.
Total and utter adoration. We got drinks and went back to the patio. Dave was no where around. Well actually I wasn't too concerned with him. Suffice to say he was nowhere within my immediate eyesight because really I wasn't taking my eyes off the love of my life.
When I went inside to get the last drink, I ran into Dave who was on his way out. He was extremely drunk and wanted me to come with him and his friends. I told him I couldn't. He grabbed me into a hug and just to appease him and make him go I gave him a kiss. When I turned around to walk back to the patio my mouth dropped open. There was Kane leaning against the wall witnessing me in all my whorish glory. I recovered and tried to appear innocent grabbing his hand and asking him if he was ready to go back out.
Ha. He was very angry. Started walking out, told me to find my own ride home. I ran after him of course. I didn't like Dave or want Dave. I wanted Kane. I loved Kane. But how was Kane to believe that. He saw something that hurt him so badly. How would I have felt seeing him kiss another girl. I played it off saying Dave was an old friend from highschool whom I hadn't seen in a long time. Why the kiss? Well, Dave told me he was no longer using heroin and had been clean for two years. Lie. But what could I do. I couldn't lose Kane. That much I knew. Not over someone who means nothing to me.
He wasn't buying it or didn't care. He left me.

Since then we're still together. Well I should say still hanging out. Because we're not 'together'. Kane says its going to take a long time for him to get over this. And I understand. But he's using it against me. Being mean to me. He says that I need to show him that I really do love him, really do want him, and really do appreciate him. Because I don't show it. Well, I've been trying but he doesn't want it. He doesn't try to communicate with me. The only time he wants to see me is when he wants to have sex. Key word. He.
When I want to see him it doesn't happen. I can't talk to him and tell him these things because its always his way or he gets mad and shuts down, explodes or threatens to leave me.
I know this isn't healthy for me but I don't know what to do. I just want him to want me.

I been hanging out with paul again. Going to Krazy Flys shows. Working. Doing nothing really. Boring life. Boring me.

my shadow reflects nothing but insecurity.
Dragging insecurity.

A patterned life.
It burns inside.

Smoky eyes. Smoky heart.
Let it out.
Smothered out.

She knows not what her destiny is.
That remains to be seen.
Traveled down these roads
so many times before.
Always ending nowhere.
All the melancholy smiles.
Monotony in the air.

Dreams don't help.
The caresses don't help.

Smoky eyes. Smoky heart.
Let it out. Put it out.
Show me. Show me.
What your all about.

You'll never know.
Shivers deep within,
deep within,

A life patterned after all the others.
All those roads.
All those times.
All those moments.
Dragging by.
Flying by.
Saw so much.
But never really saw anything
at all.

Is it really that bad?
You'll never know.
You'll never know.

Smoky eyes. Smoky heart.
Let it out. Pull it out.
I'll show you how to...
Live without.

22nd February 2004

1:07am: ASSHOLES
I hate complaining. But, I do it anyway. Guess it doesn't really matter because I'm probably the only one who reads this anyway. I'm so pissed off at Kane. So mad. And, he just doesn't seem to understand. Or care. My cars in the shop getting fixed, but when I had my car I would always drive over to his house, even though it's forty minutes away. I didn't care, because I wanted to see him. And yeah, Kane comes over my house sometimes but not as much as I went to his. It's just not fair. And right now, he knows that I'm so fucking tired of sitting here all day and all night for two fucking straight weeks. And, what does he do? He goes to Billy's party. Doesn't fucking ask me if I want to go. Doesn't say that he misses me or wants to see me. It'd be okay if he just didn't mention he was going to Billy's. It's like he's rubbing it in or something. And then he calls me from the fucking party and says, 'Don't be mad.' Dude, FUCK YOU KANE. You'd be mad, too and you damn well know you would. But the difference is that I wouldn't leave you at home while I went to a party or anywhere for that matter, I'd come get your fucking ass. And then, he says, 'Do you want me to call you later, because I'm going to get my drink on for a little while. I'm doing good tonight. I've already bummed nine cigarettes and six beers. I didn't even have to bring anything with me.' Well goody goody for you. I just hung up on his bitch ass. I know he'll call me later when he's ready to leave the party and he's all drunk and I know he'll want to come over. Too bad. Should have come over and picked me up or shouldn't have went to Billy's at all asshole. I'm so fucking pissed. It'd be different if I weren't sitting in the house all the damn time. If I had my car. I don't care that he does things without me, thats not it at all. It's that he just leaves me by myself with nothing to do and rubs it in my face, knowing damn well that I would never do that to him. Pisses me the fuck off.
I just shouldn't even talk about it right now.
I'm so mad at life. I missed one day at the clinic this week and my fucking god. I was so sick. Why?? I hate it. I want off this methadone so much, but fuck, I can't even miss one day without being sick then how the hell am I going to get off it permanently. I just don't know. It's too hard for me.
I have no fucking job right now since I have no wheels. Good thing it's tax return time, otherwise I'd be broke and then the problems would really start.
Lifes just really shitting on me right now. And, is it too much to fucking ask for Kane to come and just BE with me.
I guess it is.
Maybe I should rethink why I even like to be around him.
Seems I'm the only one who gives in this damn whatever the fuck you call it.
He says he doesn't want a girlfriend??
Well what the fuck am I to you then. Just a fuck buddy? You're too fucking scared to admit that you love me, that you want me and you know that you'd be crushed if I found someone who wasn't afraid of commitment.
Well, 'baby', you better start re-evaluating what the fuck you're doing because I don't think I'm going to hang around and take much more of your shit.
Well the phones ringing.
Wonder who the fuck that is....God, I hate assholes. Everytime I turn around I end up with an asshole.

'I was a little too tall
Could've used a few pounds
Tight pants points hardly reknown
She was a blackhaired beauty
with big dark eyes
And points all her own
sitting way up high
Way up firm and high

Out past the cornfields
where the woods got heavy
Out in the back seat of my '60 Chevy
Workin' on mysteries without any clues
Workin' on our night moves
Tryin' to make some front page
drive-in news
Workin' on our night moves
In the summertime
In the sweet summertime

We weren't in love
Oh no, far from it
We weren't searchin'
for some pie in the sky summit
We were just young and restless and bored
Livin' by the sword
And we'd steal away
every chance we could
To the backroom, to the alley
or the trusty woods
I used her, she used me
But neither one cared
We were gettin' our share

Workin' on our night moves
Tryin' to lose the awkward teenage blues
Workin' on our night moves
And it was summertime

And oh the wonder
We felt the lightning
And we waited on the thunder
Waited on the thunder

I awoke last night
to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered
Started humming a song from 1962
Ain't it funny how the night moves
When you just don't seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closing in'
Current Mood: on the verge of insanity
Current Music: Bob Seger ~ Night Moves

26th September 2003

1:46am: I've just been sitting at home by myself these past couple of days. I've been talking to nobody. When the phone rings I don't answer it. I don't even answer it if it's Kane. I mean, why should I? Why should I rush the inevitable? I should prolong it if anything.

I miss Sean so much. I hate not knowing... not...not having purpose and passion in my life. It's like theres a void. Something missing. I can tell somethings wrong because I don't even care about things anymore. I write a paragraph. And then its done. I'm disgusted. I sit alone and watch T.V all day long because I'm afraid Kane will try too kiss me if we go out and do something. Why don't I want him to kiss me? Or am I just afraid that no one will ever be good enough for me?


I am a MESS.

I need to go visit Jason.

Or I need to talk to Sean.

Something has to give.
Current Mood: Dejected
Current Music: Codeine ~ White Birch

23rd September 2003

11:22pm: Jesus Christ.

I hope no one hates their own self the way I hate myself. It's not like I pity myself. It's not that I'm depressed. It's not anything like that. No. All I seem to do anymore is hurt everybody that cares about me. I do it because I don't want to get hurt.

I disgust myself.

I just wanted everyone to know that.

I disgust myself too much to even write about anything.

Current Mood: Disgusted
Current Music: Coldplay ~ Rush of Blood

28th August 2003

9:34pm: Ah. So, I lied. I haven't been around for a few days and I promised I would write about Cameron's funeral the very next time. I don't feel like dwelling on such a sad thing at the moment.

Love. I really don't understand how I even live with myself. I don't know why I'm the way I am. I honestly don't know what makes me do the things I do. Sometimes, I don't think I even have ANY morals.

I love people so easily. I attach myself to others so easily. When I was with Sean I was the same way. While I was technically with him it was so easy for me to meet someone else and just fall in love with them too. Of course, I never ended up staying with them half as long as I stayed with Sean. So, that leads me to assume that I loved Sean in a different way than I loved the others. Well, Seans gone now. We dated for five years and I learned so much about life and about myself during our relationship. I guess a heroin addiction can do that for you.

I've met so many guys since Sean has been out of my life. I've fallen in love with so many guys. I never have them as boyfriends just always as 'friends.' For what is the point of having a boyfriend when it is so easy for me to love multiple people at the same time? 'They' say that it is impossible to truly 'LOVE' two people but I disagree. I think if you are in touch with your feelings and are very emotional, I think it's quite possible to love as many people as you want. I never meet the 'PERFECT' guy. There is always something that I love about the guys I meet but then there is always something that makes me hate or not hate but just get annoyed and irritated with them. For we know how irritable I am. I need a script of valium or xanax for that. Ha. Ha.

I don't want to get into all the guys I've met and all the things that have happened with each one. That would take a day too long than I feel like sitting here.

Something has happened. Something that makes me question everything I believed. It has just made me a very confused person. And well....I don't get confused. I believe I have finally met the 'PERFECT' person. He's truly beautiful, inside and definitely outside. I just automatically assumed he would be cocky for he's just amazingly gorgeous. A beautiful, thin, toned body. And a beautiful, gorgeous, symmetrically perfect face with the most gorgeous green eyes and long black eyelashes a guy could possibly get away with having. It breaks my heart to look at him and Oh God, when he looks at me, I just....Mm. I just want to melt on the spot. I can't let him look at me for too long. He makes me feel very self conscious. I feel inadequate around him because of his beauty and his utter sweetness. He's so vulnerable and so damn nice. Too nice. And he's not faking it. He really is just that nice, just because. It blows my mind that he likes me. I make him smile, he said. I say all the right things. He has just sent my mind into overload. I'm in shock. I can't act right around him. I'm usually so charming and charismatic around guys but around him I get so nervous and I can't talk. I love being with him for he is so easy to love. I could see myself spending eternity with him. I know. I know. It's so odd. I never thought of myself as being able to love just one person for there are so many people out there to meet and learn from. But I finally think it's happened. I don't want to seem cliche and I don't want to seem like I'm just having 'Puppy Love.' This is not 'Puppy Love.' I know when I feel a certain way. I've always been in touch with my feelings and I've always followed my heart even if it ended up hurting me and I feel about this guy the way I felt about Sean, but stronger for I'm a different person now. I don't want to say that I'm a better person for I will never think that I'm better because of my morals but I know that I'm different and I know that I'm more aware of myself and my feelings. I can understand my feelings now when before I would just simply try to numb them with the heroin. I feel so intensely that it's breathtaking and well, it hurts. I just have to close my eyes and breathe. It makes me cry to be around him. And it doesnt seem like tears of happiness but rather tears of pure bliss. And at the same time sadness. I feel sad when I'm around him because I feel like he deserves so much better than me. I don't want to hurt him. It would kill me to hurt him. I just...I just don't know what to think and that is what I say to him. And well, heres the odd part. I've only known him for three days. Three days. But I've spent all three days by his side. I've spent the night at his house. Slept in his arms and it was heaven. It felt so right. I'm truly confused. And I hope that as time goes by, I'll be able to deal with him better. I'll get used to him. But at the same time I don't want to get used to him because I want to be able to appreciate him everyday. I want everyday with him to be like the first day. I don't want to get tired of him and I don't want him to get tired of me. I don't ever want to take anything in life for granted. And its so hard to do that. You can think it and not want to do it but to really truly appreciate everything in life....well, it's easier said than done. The thought gets shoved to the back of your mind while you're doing things and you simply forget to appreciate it. He makes me numb. He takes my breath away. I don't know what I'm going to do. And it scares me. I don't like to feel this way. But I love the feeling he gives me at the same time. It's ecstasy. My feelings are all mixed up and I don't like to not know how to feel. Thats why I started on heroin. But I'm done with that phase of my life as well. Just because I don't know how to understand what I'm feeling right now doesn't mean that I'm going to go right back to using heroin. That part of my life is over. It's buried. I can't say anymore about him right now because I'll just end up repeating what I've already said. I could ramble on and on about anything. And, I don't want to do that with him.

I feel like I'm becoming a different person. I feel like he's going to make me a different person. Dare I say a 'better' person? Ah. I don't know. Those three famous words that I hate but have seemed to slip into my vocabulary for the past three days. The three words of the day.

Yes. Love. What does one do with it?
Current Mood: Out of touch with reality
Current Music: Times Like These ~ The Fighters of Foo

22nd August 2003

2:32am: it can't rain all the time...
I lost my red sunglasses the other night. Or someone stole them. Either way they're gone and I'm pissed. When I wore them it seemed like the world was bleeding and I loved the idea. I went back to the place where I bought them but there aren't any more left and there aren't any similar. So, I'm fucking screwed.

The blinds were shut all day long. I listened to the rain pitter patter, pitter patter on the ground. On the roof. On the window panes. It reminded me of the day of Camerons funeral. Kind of ironic seeing as how the sun was shining that day. That irritated the shit out of me. Where the fuck does the sun get off shining on one of the most traumatic days of my life. I didn't even want to go to the damn funeral. I was laying in bed that day, August 21 (which looking at the calender is almost positively creepy that I'm recalling this a year later exactly, very fucked up). Mom, Kevin and Terry were up. They had already showered and dressed in black. I was awake but damned if I intended on putting my feet on the floor. Mom came into the room. Sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. I felt the tears spring to my eyes. The constant flow of tears that hadn't stopped since that awful night Mom and Terry came into work to tell me the news.

Can you imagine? I was working at Gold Star Chili at the time. I believe it was my first day on the job. It was late, around nine o'clock pm and in walks Mom and Terry. I figured they were just coming in for a late dinner or to get Kevin some food. But when I saw the expression on Mom's face I knew otherwise. I just shook my head no. 'I don't want to hear it.' Thats what I said. Terry kind of hung back while Mom took me by hand and guided me to the womens restroom in the back of the restaurant. She closed the door and I stood in the corner away from her. Not facing her. 'No.' I remember saying. The first thing that came to my mind was that something had happened to Kevin (my brother) or to my father.

'Somebody's killed Cameron.' She said. I stood there for a minute looking at the mildewed walls. I heard what she had said but I didn't, if you can understand that. It seemed like it took forever for it to sink in but in actuality it was only a couple seconds I'm sure before my knees crumpled and I was kneeling on the dirty bathroom floor looking at the discarded toilet paper that had somehow managed to miss the bowl and the garbage can. The tears came so quickly that I wasn't even aware I was crying. All I kept saying was, 'No, No, No.' Just over and over again. Mom gathered me to her and just rocked me back and forth. I finally managed to ask, 'Why? How? Who?' All the questions you want to know but that nobody is able to answer at that early point in time. All she said was that there had been a fight at the Crystal Lake Bar between him and his so called friends and that someone had bricked him in the head and thrown him into Crystal Lake. They threw my cousin, they threw Cameron, this person, this human being who had been more like a brother than a cousin to me, they threw him into a fucking lake to die. Like he was some unwanted animal. They didn't care that he had a family that would miss him. They didn't care that he had a mother that would go crazy when she found out. They didn't care that he had a five year old son who looked just like him who would need his father. They didnt care that he was only fucking twenty two years old and hadn't even lived half of his life. They didn't care. And most likely they didn't think.

My heart was pounding so hard. I was so angry and yet so sad at the same time. And it's so hard to control emotions like that. Kevin popped into my head. He had been even closer to Cameron than I had since they were both the same age. I could only imagine how he had reacted. Mom said that he had cried. I couldn't remember my brother crying over anything. Ever. Mom said that she had had to hold Kevin in her arms and rock him like she was rocking me. My twenty two year old grown brother. She said that he couldn't stop crying. That made me angrier. The angrier I got the more I cried.

I eventually calmed down enough to leave the restroom. Mom told my manager what had happened and we left. We had to drive to Warsaw, Kentucky where Cameron lived. It was only a 40 minute drive. Terry drove Kevin. I rode with Mom.

So, you can understand or maybe you can't, I don't know. Why I didn't want to go to the funeral. It was a closed casket. I couldn't even kiss his face. I couldn't even hold his hand. The bastards who had killed him couldn't even have thought enough to do it in a civilized way so that at least we could see him to tell him good bye.

I did get out of bed. I dressed in my black shirt and black skirt. I put on my black shoes. And we all left. It was scorching hot and we all had to dress in black. I was angry at everything that day. Mother Nature included.

I'm going to stop here for now. Tomorrow I'll write about the funeral.

In the movie, The Crow, there is a saying, 'It can't rain all the time.' The only thing I wished for on that awful day was for rain. The only thing I got was a sunshiney cloudless day. Funny how life works out, eh?
Current Mood: remniscent/emotastic
Current Music: Simple Man ~ Lynard Skynard

15th August 2003

1:21am: deeper into the abyss
I try to stay away from here late at night especially when I'm in a mood such as this. But alas, look where I found myself.... What could be more imagined than wishing away everything you hated?
Declaring feelings of love only to lead someone on and provoke attention seems meaningless.
And what happens if those feelings eventually turn real? Would it even mean anything after being so casually exploited?
Misspoken words ignited by fury aren’t really misspoken words.
When feelings are aroused we speak what we feel. We feel what we speak.
But don’t we wish they were misspoken.
Lies are often sugarcoated truths meant to fill the seemingly endless void of self hatred we create.
The drugs we take to escape our own selves only end up burying us in our own self inflicted prisons.
When we are passionate about something we run and tell others. Why?
So they can become passionate about it as well? Or so we can be accepted?
When things go bad we fool ourselves into thinking things couldn’t get worse.
Why do we feel the need to comfort ourselves in times of pity?
The way a sick mind thinks
The way a wounded soul cries
The way those who experience the same plight form an instantaneous bond.
Can you smoke a cigarette without ever flicking the ash?
Would this prove anything?
Can you touch a soul without forever becoming a permanent mark in that persons life?
Would you want the questions that could never be answered, answered?
Sure, I would.
Human nature makes us like that.
And human nature leaves much to fucking be desired.

I just keep thinking that maybe sometime I'll figure out everything I'm supposed to figure out. I won't be sitting here on my couch with a pen and a piece of paper just writing anything and everything that comes to mind and msot of it making no fucking sense.

For when we live we live as one
and when we die we die alone

A dark room.
He lights a cigarette.
Blows the smoke.
He says, "I'd give anything to make you okay again."
Yeah, but what’s left.
Re-used, re-played
Everything gets shuffled
and re-dealt
Always the same hand
No need to look

Broken guitars, half empty drinks
burns on the carpet, dishes in the sink
He says, "You shouldn’t have to suffer through this. You need help."

Impossible to rebuild everything gone bad
Impossible to recapture what life once had

Turn on the lights, the TV and the radio
There’s nothing else to say
Empty the ashtrays and close the doors.
Shut all the bad times and feelings away
A recycled life.
No more tears to cry.

For when we live we live as one
and when we die we die alone.
An endless echo of all that’s to come.

An endless fucking echo of all thats to come. Well. I wish that echo would come the fuck on. I'm getting so sick and tired of just not knowing. All I do anymore is sit around and wait. And what the hell am I waiting for? It seems like theres some reason I'm staying here.......
Current Mood: sketchy/wired
Current Music: Alice in Chains ~ Would

14th August 2003

6:26pm: Old friends....
It doesn't seem to matter to anyone what I do. Having this house all to myself while mother stays at Kenny's was great in the beginning but now it's just...odd. I have so many dreams at night when I sleep. It's almost like I'm lucidly dreaming because in a way I can control them. Sometimes I don't even want to wake up because things are always better in my dreams. Not to say that things aren't okay right now. They are.

Dave called me today and while I haven't spoken to him in over a year, almost 2 years actually, I found myself curious at what he had been up to. And when he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet, I told him, 'Well, no, not really. Well, it's kind of complicated.' Don't ask me why I told him that. I tell myself I don't have feelings for him. How could I? He's been pushed out of my mind ever since that fateful day 2 years ago in October. He says he hasn't used heroin since the day he was arrested. Do I believe him? I guess in a way I do. Because if he were using he would know better than to call me. God. I asked him what he wanted. Why he was calling me. All he could come up with was, 'I missed you'. Ha. Well, I wish you had missed me as soon as you got out of jail but I guess that wasn't possible. There was too much stuff you had to work through. He wants to go out with me tomorrow. Wants to go down to the river and just talk. I probably will. Afterall, it's Dave. Hopefully, A.J will understand. And even if he doesn't I'm sure he'll pretend too. It's like he's trying to stay out of everything that happened in my past. Ahwell.

Everybody trusts everybody. Even those that we don't know so easily. I look at myself and see how easy it is for me to lie to others. Why do I not exect that they in return find it just as easy. I'm fooling myself if I think they're telling me the truth all the damn time. Thats just denial. I try not to attach myself to the people that come into my life (and its so very odd because it seems that I meet someone new everyday now - what is with that?) but it is so hard with me being who I am. My feelings always run deep.
It baffles my mind, how every moment, every second can change your life. From what time you get up in the morning, the kind of clothes you wear, if you rush out the door one minute later than you normally do....so much can happen. Your life can go in so many directions and it is you who decides which direction it will go in or is it a much greater force? I don't want to dwell on that too much because to me it is such a scary thought. The way I see it is that if you don't do everything exactly right. Exactly the way you're supposed to then you're going to miss out on everything that was going to be good in your life that day.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Blue and Yellow ~ The Used
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