Jessica's journal

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Sunday, July 31st, 2005
10:21 pm
Hey, I haven't written in ages. I've been up to a lot recently. Some bad, some good. I guess I could start with the bad. Dustin and I broke up two months ago after being together for two years. It sucked, yes, but we needed a break. I am still in love with him though. I still cry over him at times, because I believe we are meant to be. I love him more than anything...I just want to experience life with him right by my side. We still hang out and everything. We still say we love eachother...we just can't kiss or anything like that....and I don't get to see him as much. I miss him so much. When it's time for him to leave after we've been hanging out I wish he could just stay with me. It's hard. I know we needed this though. I'm only 18. I'll be 19 soon. I'm young....he's 21..so he's still young too. I love him so much though. My heart still sings for him.

I went to Warped Tour last month. It was the most awesome expierence of my life. Lol. I loved it so much. I wish I could do it all the time. I saw Offspring and the Transplants right on the rail!! I was as close as I could get to them!!! It was great. I was all sweaty and sunburnt IT WAS AWESOME. Some guy fell on me when he was crowd surfing and i hit my chin on the rail....but....I was TOO EXCITED TO CARE! We had a great time. I met Dropkick Murpheys. They were nice dudes I liked them. I got my pic taken with one of them. I saw Avenged Sevenfold....My Chemical Romance......The Unseen....No Use for a Name. Next year will be even cooler though. I bet Rancid plays next time. I can't wait.

I went to Six Flags a week or two ago. It was fun too. I have been hanging out with people I know from work and I have become good friends with them. If Dustin and I wouldn't have broken up I don't think I would be hanging out with them really. It's a good thing we broke-up.....I just look forward to a future with him. He's my soul mate and he still loves me just as much as he ever did. Ahhhhh I love him. He's so cute.

Andrea and Kathy are my new friends. They are both really awesome and really different from eachother...but I love them. They both have kids, but I don't mind. I just find it odd that everyone has kids so young these days...everyone I know has kids....it's weird. I love their kids though. Kathy's baby is three months old...and Andrea's kids are 4 and 1. Aww, they are cute.

Umm......I'm a loser right now. I need to get into college. I will soon. I really want to be in school. I need out of fast food. It's so boring. Same old same old shit as always. It blows.

I am dying my hair at the moment since I am awesome. Blue of course. I was going to dye it green.......but I guess I'm not. Oh well. Im so cool. YAY!

Umm......I will write more often maybe. Eventhough no one even reads this. I don't care though.
Bye.

Im horny I want to have sex with Dustin.

current mood: numb
current music: Alice In Chains.....are awesome!!!

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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
1:15 pm
Hello,
I am bored. I haven't been up to much as usual. I've been working and hanging out with Dustin. I do have a cat now. He's a little over 6 weeks old and he's black with some white on his neck and tummy. I named him Brody after Brody Dale from the Distillers because I think she is really cool. Dustin thinks I should name him something cooler, but I can't think of anything. I did want to name him Nick 13 after the guy from Tiger Army, since my cat is a boy and all, but we already have a bird named Nikki so I didn't. It would have been cool to me though. I call him Kitten Little all the time though, cause he is so little and cute.

Christmas is next Saturday. Time goes by so fast anymore, it's crazy. This year is going to be a good Christmas though. I'm done shopping, almost anyway. I have to buy something for Terry and maybe something else for my mom. I do want to buy something else for Dustin but, I probably won't have the moneys. I got Dustin two Anti-Flag T-shirts, a U. S. Bombs T-shirt, Distillers first album, a F-Minus cd, and Ren and STimpy box set. He will like all of it. I did want to get him the new Nirvana box set.....but I will have to wait and see if I can or not. I am so cool!

La la la.. I am a chicken in the sky and I fly around and I come down to the ground and I cluck and walk around and peck ppl's legs. It's fun I say...it's so fun. You should be a chicken too. *Cluck Cluck*

I was all depressed for like a few days. I think I am better now. You know what band is so freaking awesome. Perfect Circle. I love them. I get so emotional with their music. It's so perfect. Perfection, they have created. I want to see them live. La la la.

You know what. I dunno. I am so bored. I am waiting for 2 to come so I can go get my check. I have to work 4 to close tonight because I am awesome. They always either have me open or close anymore. Tomorrow I don't have to be in charge though, that should be nice for once.

Well, I will go. I am boring right now and I don't know what to say.

Bye bye.

current mood: bored
current music: Blue......Perfect Circle

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Monday, November 22nd, 2004
12:46 pm - life right now
It's been a long time. My computer is really messed up and doesn't work half the time so I don't get on that often anymore. I don't know whats wrong with it. Maybe we need a virus program or something I don't know.
I don't know if I have mentioned I have moved yet or not, but I have. I like the new house it's cool. I really wish I could move out to my own place though. I can't afford to though.

I took my GED and I passed. I'm relieved. Now I have to go to college. Maybe I'll go this summer. I really should, I'm just nervous.

I still have my same job and I still don't like it but oh, well. Eventually someday I will have a new job. I just wish I knew exactly what it is I want to do. I'm so confused about it.

Dustin and I are still together. I still love him and we still get along well. He's been really ...blah I guess I could say, the last few days or so. I think he's depressed. He sleeps a lot too. He's been really stressed and everything about a lot of things. He never wants to talk about anything though. He's just like that. I wish he would sometimes though. Maybe he'd feel a little better. I just want him to be ok. I hate seeing him upset.

I haven't talked to Steve in a long time. He has a new job and he's at it all the time so now I really wont get to talk to him much. I finally sent him a copy of Tiger Army's new album. I hope he likes it. That cd is so .....I don't know. It's beautiful and poetic and it just gives me such a nice set of emotions when I listen to it. It's just awesome and I really hope he likes it. I really miss him. He's been there for me a lot...and I do consider him a close friend.....it's so hard being on-line though. I want to meet him someday. I wish he lived closer. I just don't want to lose him as a friend.

My life is pretty blah right now and it's annoying. I just want something to be going on for me. I want to move or leave or something. I don't know what is it I need...probably I need to get away from here. I probably need a break from everyone and everything that is here. I hate this town so much....all it is, is a pit stop for travelers basically. It's so dull and nothing happens. I just need to get away from everything. I need a break. I guess that's about all I have to say right now. I'll write again sometime.

~Jessica

current mood: discontent

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Thursday, September 16th, 2004
12:51 pm
Well, it has been awhile like always. I haven't been up to a whole lot except work and studying. I have to take my GED November 6th. I am not looking forward to it because I am so nervous. =( I hope I do good. I'm also nervous for Dustin because he hasn't studied at all. He's a smart guy, but I think you should prepare yourself for it. I hope we both do fine though.

I reapplied at Wendy. I was only applying for about three 5-9's a week just for some extra money. I told Subway about it just so they would know in case I did get my job back. A few days later the superviser at Subway comes up to me and says, "did you apply back over there?" I said yeah. Well, he gave me a 50 cent raise and said he'd try to give me more hours. He also said he didn't want to lose me or have me get some hours over at Wendy's and get offered something better. I was so excited and proud of myself. I'm not working at Wendy's though. I could if I wanted to. They said they'd hire me back, but they don't think I am interested right now because my brother told them about the whole Subway thing. LOL. So, I look good to both places. In case Subway doesn't work out this winter, I can go back to Wendy's. I am going to college though, so I'm not going to be working at either of them forever. Yay. I'm excited about all that though. I feel secure. I will always have a job somewhere while I'm in the process of getting a better one. It's a great feeling.

Dustin's dad had open heart surgery today. I've been with him the last few days trying to make him feel better about it all. He was pretty upset about it all when he found out about it a few days ago. The doctors weren't sure what they were going to do and everything. His dad's artery was 90 percent blocked so they didn't know if they were going to use a stent or perform the surgery. The next day they decided to go with the surgery because the stent was too risky. When Dustin learned that his dad only had a 1 percent chance for infection and very small chance for any complication he felt a lil' better. I knew it would be ok. It's a pretty common procedure and it rarely go wrong. The only concern I had was, his dad is a smoker. Other than that I was pretty confident. Dustin just called me and everything went fine. They get to see him in about a half hour. So, everything is going good. I'm glad. Anything bad like losing his dad is the absolute last thing Dustin needs right now. He has enough stress already, not to mention he's been through enough within the last few years with losing his mom and uncle. I'm really happy everything is fine.

Dustin and I are still together. It's been a year and a few months and we still are doing good. We both love eachother and we get along real well. It's really nice.

I turn 18 next month. I am really excited. I'll finally be all free to do whatever I want. My mom did say if she has a problem with me with drugs and alcohol then I have to move out. That won't be a problem though because I can always drink and crash with someone.

I did hang out with Tanya a few weeks ago. I had a good time though. It wasn't just me and her. I also hung out with Amber and Angie. We were going to get drunk at Amber's house but her friend got arrested so that didn't work out. Instead we all just went out being dumb asses like usual. I had a lot of fun though. Tanya does have issues....but she is fun to hang out with occasionally. As long as there are other people around. I was making everyone laugh that night though. We all bought voice changers and I was saying a lot of cracked out things on it. Those were really cool. I drove them all out into the country while they were laying on the top of the van. That may seem retarded...but it wasn't. LOL. It was funny. I was too scared to do it though...that's why I drove. =)

I miss talking to Steve. I hope he isn't mad at me because I haven't talked to him in a long time. I did say I would write him and send him cd's but I have been flat broke the last few weeks. About two weeks ago my car broke down on me. I had to buy a new battery for it, and the last check I got I had to take two hundred out of my check to pay for the damn car, so we could get it caught up. It was a month behind. LOL. Oh, well. I hope to talk to him soon though. I miss him. He is a really cool dude. He really is.

The new house is nice. I like it. Yay!

I gotta go now. My mom wants me to go to the store with her. Bye bye.

~Jess

current mood: Im good

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12:51 pm
Well, it has been awhile like always. I haven't been up to a whole lot except work and studying. I have to take my GED November 6th. I am not looking forward to it because I am so nervous. =( I hope I do good. I'm also nervous for Dustin because he hasn't studied at all. He's a smart guy, but I think you should prepare yourself for it. I hope we both do fine though.

I reapplied at Wendy. I was only applying for about three 5-9's a week just for some extra money. I told Subway about it just so they would know in case I did get my job back. A few days later the superviser at Subway comes up to me and says, "did you apply back over there?" I said yeah. Well, he gave me a 50 cent raise and said he'd try to give me more hours. He also said he didn't want to lose me or have me get some hours over at Wendy's and get offered something better. I was so excited and proud of myself. I'm not working at Wendy's though. I could if I wanted to. They said they'd hire me back, but they don't think I am interested right now because my brother told them about the whole Subway thing. LOL. So, I look good to both places. In case Subway doesn't work out this winter, I can go back to Wendy's. I am going to college though, so I'm not going to be working at either of them forever. Yay. I'm excited about all that though. I feel secure. I will always have a job somewhere while I'm in the process of getting a better one. It's a great feeling.

Dustin's dad had open heart surgery today. I've been with him the last few days trying to make him feel better about it all. He was pretty upset about it all when he found out about it a few days ago. The doctors weren't sure what they were going to do and everything. His dad's artery was 90 percent blocked so they didn't know if they were going to use a stent or perform the surgery. The next day they decided to go with the surgery because the stent was too risky. When Dustin learned that his dad only had a 1 percent chance for infection and very small chance for any complication he felt a lil' better. I knew it would be ok. It's a pretty common procedure and it rarely go wrong. The only concern I had was, his dad is a smoker. Other than that I was pretty confident. Dustin just called me and everything went fine. They get to see him in about a half hour. So, everything is going good. I'm glad. Anything bad like losing his dad is the absolute last thing Dustin needs right now. He has enough stress already, not to mention he's been through enough within the last few years with losing his mom and uncle. I'm really happy everything is fine.

Dustin and I are still together. It's been a year and a few months and we still are doing good. We both love eachother and we get along real well. It's really nice.

I turn 18 next month. I am really excited. I'll finally be all free to do whatever I want. My mom did say if she has a problem with me with drugs and alcohol then I have to move out. That won't be a problem though because I can always drink and crash with someone.

I did hang out with Tanya a few weeks ago. I had a good time though. It wasn't just me and her. I also hung out with Amber and Angie. We were going to get drunk at Amber's house but her friend got arrested so that didn't work out. Instead we all just went out being dumb asses like usual. I had a lot of fun though. Tanya does have issues....but she is fun to hang out with occasionally. As long as there are other people around. I was making everyone laugh that night though. We all bought voice changers and I was saying a lot of cracked out things on it. Those were really cool. I drove them all out into the country while they were laying on the top of the van. That may seem retarded...but it wasn't. LOL. It was funny. I was too scared to do it though...that's why I drove. =)

I miss talking to Steve. I hope he isn't mad at me because I haven't talked to him in a long time. I did say I would write him and send him cd's but I have been flat broke the last few weeks. About two weeks ago my car broke down on me. I had to buy a new battery for it, and the last check I got I had to take two hundred out of my check to pay for the damn car, so we could get it caught up. It was a month behind. LOL. Oh, well. I hope to talk to him soon though. I miss him. He is a really cool dude. He really is.

The new house is nice. I like it. Yay!

I gotta go now. My mom wants me to go to the store with her. Bye bye.

~Jess

current mood: Im good

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Friday, August 13th, 2004
2:00 pm
Dammit. I am in a bad mood. I just want to beat the crap out of something. I'm not going to say why I am mad though.
We're moving like next week. It's still in town so I'm happy. I am tired of this house anyway. We've lived here like 6 years already. Time to move on and make new memories at a different house. This one is too small anyways. I hope we don't get our phone shut off for awhile though. Then I won't be able to talk to Steve. I'd have to write him letters or something and we both suck at writing letters. :( I'd miss him. He's cool. I still wish he lived here because he's so cool.
My computer is a piece of shit and I hate it. I don't use it a whole lot so it doesn't matter too much to me...but it is definatly fucked up. I know it's got some viruses. Oh, well. I only use it to talk to Steve pretty much. I write in this sometimes but I don't really care about this journal a whole lot. I have my own real one anyways.
I'm cold. This weather has been great though. I love fall and that's what it seems like.
Today is my day off and I am still sitting at home and it's 10 past two o'clock. It sucks. Dustin sleeps in all the time and then he takes forever to get ready so like we probably won't be in Springfield til like freaking 5. That pisses me off...so yeah that's kinda what I am pissed about. I don't even need Fridays off because he isn't even ready to go until like 3 so it shouldn't even matter if I have them off or not. I hate work though. It sucks ass. It's so fucking boring. Time drags so much because we aren't busy long enough.
I saw Earl yesterday! I miss him. It made me happy even though we didn't talk. The store was busy and we were both checking out so we only said hi. I wish I would have talked to him though. He was cool when he wanted to be. He was entertaining.
I need to buy some blank cds so I can burn some. I want to make some cds for Steve.
Well, people need the phone so I guess I need to go. I wish I were in a better mood. I hate feeling pissed.
Bye

current mood: annoyed
current music: nothing....

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Thursday, August 5th, 2004
12:37 pm
Hey yo. We went camping over the weekend. It was cool. We had a lot of fun. Dustin did get to go so of course I spent all my time with him. We went to Turkey Run State Park it was cool. We did the most rugged trail and it took us two hours to complete it. It was really cool though. Some parts we couldn't believe people were actually allowed to go on because they were dangerous. I didn't see any critters or snakes so it was cool with that. We went swimming and stuff. It was a good time. Like last time it was really cool waking up to him. we just held eachother a few times through out the night and when we woke-up. It was great.

Dustin got a mohawk finally. I think it looks good. It's really different from what I'm used to but he looks hot so I am getting used to it. Lauren and Brandi did it for him. They did a good job. When we got to his house last night, the only thing his dad said to him was I don't like your haircut and he said it in such a mean asshole way. And that's all he said to him. I think he was pissed which is completely stupid. Some people in this world are suck fucking morons. It's not like mohawks are a new thing. I remember when I was young kids had them in my school. There was a time when they were really in. People need to get over shit and get used to things. It's hair...it's not killing anyone. People piss me off. The world would be so much better if people didn't discriminate so much. I think it's gross his dad smokes. Smoking ciggerets is so disgusting in my opinion, I'm sure his parents weren't happy when he started doing that. Oh, well....some people will always judge and label you just because you are different. I just hope Dustin is ok today. He was so sad last night. I cried a lot because I hate to see him like that. I love him so much. He's so precious.

I'm at a 14 guage with my earrings. I don't know how far I want to go up. I haven't decided yet. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to a 0 guage. I think that's too big for me. I still want my eyebrow done twice. On the same side of course. I think it would look cool. I like piercing a lot.

My damn sunburn is in it's itchy stage and it fucking sucks. I hate sunburn it's so gross. It's just damaged skin and that's gross to me. I like my skin to be white and heathly looking. Tan isn't cool unless it's natural I think. I see so many older women with so many freckles and bad sun damage it's gross. I even see young girls like the age of 15 with sun damage. It's horrible and they need to stop because it's going to make them look old when they get older. I think I will look really good when I am 40 because I don't tan and I take care of my skin. Yay, I won't look old! This sunburn was an accident....oh well. It's the only one I have had this year.

La la la. I love my Dustin. I can't wait til I get to talk to him today. I want to make sure he is doing ok. He didn't even walk me out to my car like he usually does, because he didn't want to look at his parents. =( I feel bad for him. My mom doesn't like how we dress and all, but atleast she isn't mean about it. She just says it doesn't matter how you look on the outside anyway....it's how you act and treat other people that matters. His dad was a big dick and I hated him. People are such loser. If he's going to talk about Dustin's hair let's talk about his einstein crazy ass hair, with his comb over. Geez.

I take my GED in November. I'm nervous, but I think I will do good if I study. The only one I may fail is the math section and I can retake it for only $5 dollars. I don't think a college is going to hold math against me too much. A lot of people suck at math. Oh, well. I'm taking my constitution once I turn 18. That will be a breeze. It's easy stuff.

I get to vote this year. I need to watch them speak so I know who I want to win. Dustin really doesn't want me to vote for Bush. I doubt I will anyway but I need to make sure I know what's going on or else I won't vote. Kerry has said a lot of good things but he is ok with abortion. You know I really hate abortion. I mean if you are going to go and spread your legs and not be using protection then you should deal with it. You don't go and terminate a life because of your fuck up. Now some situations I don't know...like rape and incest rape. I don't know if I could even have a kid in a situation like that....but if it's just a mistake because you were irresponsible then I think you are a complete bitch if you go and kill life because you fucked up. It pisses me off because it's so horrible what they do. The whole procedure and everything is awful....if only people knew how awful the way it goes down is...maybe they would think the same way. =( It's not the babies fault.

So....I hope I didn't piss anyone off with that but I pretty much don't care. It's how I feel and I always will feel that way about abortion. Kerry seems cool other than that, but I still probably will vote for him.

Well, I am going now. Good-bye.

current mood: I dunno
current music: News radio and classical

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Thursday, July 29th, 2004
1:34 pm - Ahhh
Oh my gosh. Tanya is so stupid to me right now. I have never known anyone as psycho as her! Guess what it is this time. She says she's pregnant again. Geez. If she is then Josh's mom will kill her and have her arrested if she were to find out. If she isn't she is one major psycho and I will never speak to her ever again. I'm tired of her stupid games! She cut her arms up last month for attention and she showed me and I just told her not to do that....but I didn't act sympathetic about it or anything, I was in a good mood and I remained that way. I didn't say anything but that about it. She said Mark raped her which is so not true. She is big enough to resist him. I don't give a shit.....she can't say she was high or tired or anything fucked up like that because if you are getting attacked you will fucking fight....end of story. She wanted it and I know it because she is a major whore. She has screwd a 15 year old.....which pisses me the fuck off because he is way too young for her....and she is screwing this Josh kid. It's like what are you doing?! And she's addmitted she wants sex. She makes me mad...and I shouldn't have anything to do with her anymore. She lies and I can't trust her...I'm not staying down at her house. She might try to drug me or kill me or something. I'm not taking any chances because I really don't trust her.

I'm going camping this weekend. It sucks though because Dustin didn't get the days off so now I have to be all alone with just Steve and Mom because my brother's girl is comming along..I am going to just have such a great time. Yay for me...bleh..I don't want to go and I'm pissed. My check is going to suck the ass too. =( So I'm not going to spend very much money with this check or else I will end up very poor when I get my next check for two weeks. Oh well.

I'm going to go. My mom needs the phone. Bye bye.

current mood: aggravated
current music: Tiger amry......rose in the devils garden

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Friday, July 9th, 2004
12:36 am - 1 year Yay!! and some other stuff
It's been awhile as always. Oh, well. I am too busy to even get on the computer really.

The 4th of July was nice. It's a special day for Dustin and me. We went out and watched the fireworks and just held eachother and hung out until they were over. We went to Wal-Mart afterwards, then to the park where we took a walk and hung out. It was a short night because I didn't get off until 4 and then we both had to go to our own family things before we could see eachother. It was a good night though and I loved it. The 5th I didn't get off until 8 but Dustin came and saw me. It was lightning really crazy outside. Like the whole sky was full of pinkish red light, but it freaked us out because it didn't make any noise. It was really actually pretty cool though. I was so happy that night to be with Dustin. I couldn't quit smiling and we couldn't quit kissing. I wanted to stay with him all night but we ended it a little early because we thought a storm was coming on. Today, the 6th, was our 1 year anniversary. We went out to eat and then we went to the mall. He bought me a big bottle of the parfume I like. I wrote him a note telling him how happy I am to have him in my life, and how I love him and all. Also I am buying him two Dvd's. One of the Distillers and another of GG Allin. He'll like them. When we came back to town we went to the cemetery and hung out for awhile and made out. Then we went back to his place and just hung out there. We didn't really do anything special really....but it was a good day. We usually have our best most special days when they are not planned. See when things are planned you expect more I think...I think it's better to just go with the flow. =) I had a good time anyways. I love him very much. He makes my life better and he makes me happy. I really wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Work is work. I don't get good hours, but oh, well. I don't want to be there anyways. They have me opening the store by myself sometimes now. It's cool I guess. They trust me and they think I'm responsible enough to have that responsibility. They're cool anyways. They know why I got fired from Wendy's and the don't hold it against me or care even. It's cool. Marty from Wendy's loves me because he wouldn't even tell my new job why I had to quit. I told them myself. I wasn't going to lie. It's all good. I need to figure out what I want to do as a career.

I haven't been studying for my GED like I should. I'm so lazy dammit. It sucks. I need to quit being so damn lazy. It pisses me off the way I have to get my education. Oh, well. I can't do anything about it so I shouldn't get mad. I should just do it. Dustin and I were supposed to go and register for the thing. We better get at it before the class gets filled up.

Well, life isn't too exciting for me right now. I don't really care though. I don't get high hardly ever anymore, and I really don't care. I'm not really one to get too into drinking or smoking anyways. I smoke like once every two weeks...if that. It's not bothering me though. I like it when I feel like it I guess. I did go through a time when I did it every day pretty much for a few weeks, but I got out of it. I haven't slowed down because of losing my job though, I just don't like the way I feel when I am doing it all the time. My mind gets cloudy and numb. I think too much when I am high too...lol....and I don't like that sometimes. I want to stay healthy anyway. Smoking once in awhile won't harm you. Weed has good side effects for your body anyways, eventhough there are a few bad. I found out the other day that we lose like thousands of brain cells like everyday....like why does it matter if we smoke then? I know it may kill more, but we are losing them anyway. Oh, well. Who cares I suppose.

Well, I have rambled on about things....I'm tired. I want sleep. I love sleeping these days. It's so great. Lol. It's so relaxing and everything. Lol....well......goodnight.

~Jessica~

current mood: content, happy
current music: devil's garden....Tiger Army

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12:33 am - 1 Year YAY!!!
It's been awhile as always. Oh, well. I am too busy to even get on the computer really.

The 4th of July was nice. It's a special day for Dustin and me. We went out and watched the fireworks and just held eachother and hung out until they were over. We went to Wal-Mart afterwards, then to the park where we took a walk and hung out. It was a short night because I didn't get off until 4 and then we both had to go to our own family things before we could see eachother. It was a good night though and I loved it. The 5th I didn't get off until 8 but Dustin came and saw me. It was lightning really crazy outside. Like the whole sky was full of pinkish red light, but it freaked us out because it didn't make any noise. It was really actually pretty cool though. I was so happy that night to be with Dustin. I couldn't quit smiling and we couldn't quit kissing. I wanted to stay with him all night but we ended it a little early because we thought a storm was coming on. Today, the 6th, was our 1 year anniversary. We went out to eat and then we went to the mall. He bought me a big bottle of the parfume I like. I wrote him a note telling him how happy I am to have him in my life, and how I love him and all. Also I am buying him two Dvd's. One of the Distillers and another of GG Allin. He'll like them. When we came back to town we went to the cemetery and hung out for awhile and made out. Then we went back to his place and just hung out there. We didn't really do anything special really....but it was a good day. We usually have our best most special days when they are not planned. See when things are planned you expect more I think...I think it's better to just go with the flow. =) I had a good time anyways. I love him very much. He makes my life better and he makes me happy. I really wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Work is work. I don't get good hours, but oh, well. I don't want to be there anyways. They have me opening the store by myself sometimes now. It's cool I guess. They trust me and they think I'm responsible enough to have that responsibility. They're cool anyways. They know why I got fired from Wendy's and the don't hold it against me or care even. It's cool. Marty from Wendy's loves me because he wouldn't even tell my new job why I had to quit. I told them myself. I wasn't going to lie. It's all good. I need to figure out what I want to do as a career.

I haven't been studying for my GED like I should. I'm so lazy dammit. It sucks. I need to quit being so damn lazy. It pisses me off the way I have to get my education. Oh, well. I can't do anything about it so I shouldn't get mad. I should just do it. Dustin and I were supposed to go and register for the thing. We better get at it before the class gets filled up.

Well, life isn't too exciting for me right now. I don't really care though. I don't get high hardly ever anymore, and I really don't care. I'm not really one to get too into drinking or smoking anyways. I smoke like once every two weeks...if that. It's not bothering me though. I like it when I feel like it I guess. I did go through a time when I did it every day pretty much for a few weeks, but I got out of it. I haven't slowed down because of losing my job though, I just don't like the way I feel when I am doing it all the time. My mind gets cloudy and numb. I think too much when I am high too...lol....and I don't like that sometimes. I want to stay healthy anyway. Smoking once in awhile won't harm you. Weed has good side effects for your body anyways, eventhough there are a few bad. I found out the other day that we lose like thousands of brain cells like everyday....like why does it matter if we smoke then? I know it may kill more, but we are losing them anyway. Oh, well. Who cares I suppose.

Well, I have rambled on about things....I'm tired. I want sleep. I love sleeping these days. It's so great. Lol. It's so relaxing and everything. Lol....well......goodnight.

~Jessica~

current mood: content
current music: Devil's Garden........Tiger Army

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12:23 am - One Year YAY!
It's been awhile as always. Oh, well. I am too busy to even get on the computer really.

The 4th of July was nice. It's a special day for Dustin and me. We went out and watched the fireworks and just held eachother and hung out until they were over. We went to Wal-Mart afterwards, then to the park where we took a walk and hung out. It was a short night because I didn't get off until 4 and then we both had to go to our own family things before we could see eachother. It was a good night though and I loved it. The 5th I didn't get off until 8 but Dustin came and saw me. It was lightning really crazy outside. Like the whole sky was full of pinkish red light, but it freaked us out because it didn't make any noise. It was really actually pretty cool though. I was so happy that night to be with Dustin. I couldn't quit smiling and we couldn't quit kissing. I wanted to stay with him all night but we ended it a little early because we thought a storm was coming on. Today, the 6th, was our 1 year anniversary. We went out to eat and then we went to the mall. He bought me a big bottle of the perfume I like. I wrote him a note telling him how happy I am to have him in my life, and how I love him and all. Also I am buying him two Dvd's. One of the Distillers and another of GG Allin. He'll like them. When we came back to town we went to the cemetery and hung out for awhile and made out. Then we went back to his place and just hung out there. We didn't really do anything special really....but it was a good day. We usually have our best most special days when they are not planned. See when things are planned you expect more I think...I think it's better to just go with the flow. =) I had a good time anyways. I love him very much. He makes my life better and he makes me happy. I really wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Work is work. I don't get good hours, but oh, well. I don't want to be there anyways. They have me opening the store by myself sometimes now. It's cool I guess. They trust me and they think I'm responsible enough to have that responsibility. They're cool anyways. They know why I got fired from Wendy's and the don't hold it against me or care even. It's cool. Marty from Wendy's loves me because he wouldn't even tell my new job why I had to quit. I told them myself. I wasn't going to lie. It's all good. I need to figure out what I want to do as a career.

I haven't been studying for my GED like I should. I'm so lazy dammit. It sucks. I need to quit being so damn lazy. It pisses me off the way I have to get my education. Oh, well. I can't do anything about it so I shouldn't get mad. I should just do it. Dustin and I were supposed to go and register for the thing. We better get at it before the class gets filled up.

Well, life isn't too exciting for me right now. I don't really care though. I don't get high hardly ever anymore, and I really don't care. I'm not really one to get too into drinking or smoking anyways. I smoke like once every two weeks...if that. It's not bothering me though. I like it when I feel like it I guess. I did go through a time when I did it every day pretty much for a few weeks, but I got out of it. I haven't slowed down because of losing my job though, I just don't like the way I feel when I am doing it all the time. My mind gets cloudy and numb. I think too much when I am high too...lol....and I don't like that sometimes. I want to stay healthy anyway. Smoking once in awhile won't harm you. Weed has good side effects for your body anyways, eventhough there are a few bad. I found out the other day that we lose like thousands of brain cells like everyday....like why does it matter if we smoke then? I know it may kill more, but we are losing them anyway. Oh, well. Who cares I suppose.

Well, I have rambled on about things....I'm tired. I want sleep. I love sleeping these days. It's so great. Lol. It's so relaxing and everything. Lol....well......goodnight.

~Jessica~

current mood: content
current music: Devil's Garden....Tiger Army

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12:23 am - One Year YAY!
It's been awhile as always. Oh, well. I am too busy to even get on the computer really.

The 4th of July was nice. It's a special day for Dustin and me. We went out and watched the fireworks and just held eachother and hung out until they were over. We went to Wal-Mart afterwards, then to the park where we took a walk and hung out. It was a short night because I didn't get off until 4 and then we both had to go to our own family things before we could see eachother. It was a good night though and I loved it. The 5th I didn't get off until 8 but Dustin came and saw me. It was lightning really crazy outside. Like the whole sky was full of pinkish red light, but it freaked us out because it didn't make any noise. It was really actually pretty cool though. I was so happy that night to be with Dustin. I couldn't quit smiling and we couldn't quit kissing. I wanted to stay with him all night but we ended it a little early because we thought a storm was coming on. Today, the 6th, was our 1 year anniversary. We went out to eat and then we went to the mall. He bought me a big bottle of the perfume I like. I wrote him a note telling him how happy I am to have him in my life, and how I love him and all. Also I am buying him two Dvd's. One of the Distillers and another of GG Allin. He'll like them. When we came back to town we went to the cemetery and hung out for awhile and made out. Then we went back to his place and just hung out there. We didn't really do anything special really....but it was a good day. We usually have our best most special days when they are not planned. See when things are planned you expect more I think...I think it's better to just go with the flow. =) I had a good time anyways. I love him very much. He makes my life better and he makes me happy. I really wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Work is work. I don't get good hours, but oh, well. I don't want to be there anyways. They have me opening the store by myself sometimes now. It's cool I guess. They trust me and they think I'm responsible enough to have that responsibility. They're cool anyways. They know why I got fired from Wendy's and the don't hold it against me or care even. It's cool. Marty from Wendy's loves me because he wouldn't even tell my new job why I had to quit. I told them myself. I wasn't going to lie. It's all good. I need to figure out what I want to do as a career.

I haven't been studying for my GED like I should. I'm so lazy dammit. It sucks. I need to quit being so damn lazy. It pisses me off the way I have to get my education. Oh, well. I can't do anything about it so I shouldn't get mad. I should just do it. Dustin and I were supposed to go and register for the thing. We better get at it before the class gets filled up.

Well, life isn't too exciting for me right now. I don't really care though. I don't get high hardly ever anymore, and I really don't care. I'm not really one to get too into drinking or smoking anyways. I smoke like once every two weeks...if that. It's not bothering me though. I like it when I feel like it I guess. I did go through a time when I did it every day pretty much for a few weeks, but I got out of it. I haven't slowed down because of losing my job though, I just don't like the way I feel when I am doing it all the time. My mind gets cloudy and numb. I think too much when I am high too...lol....and I don't like that sometimes. I want to stay healthy anyway. Smoking once in awhile won't harm you. Weed has good side effects for your body anyways, eventhough there are a few bad. I found out the other day that we lose like thousands of brain cells like everyday....like why does it matter if we smoke then? I know it may kill more, but we are losing them anyway. Oh, well. Who cares I suppose.

Well, I have rambled on about things....I'm tired. I want sleep. I love sleeping these days. It's so great. Lol. It's so relaxing and everything. Lol....well......goodnight.

~Jessica~

current mood: content
current music: Devil's Garden....Tiger Army

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Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
8:38 am - Dick brother, Tornado
Hello there. Nothing is going on as usual. I'm just bored right now, my damn brother came in and woke me up because he was doing his homework! He should have had that done yesterday dammit. It pissed me off and I let him know, and he just fucking didn't care at all. I am so pissed at him lately. He has became one of the biggest selfish jerks I have ever known. People bend over backwards to make that coward happy and give him what he needs, and what does he do? He treats you like you don't matter and doesn't even appreciate it. Dammit, it's a shame tomorrow is his last day, because if it weren't he'd need a ride to school sometime and I would just fucking say, "Screw you." Aww yeea. It's ok, because I'm sure he will ask me for another favor sometime, and I am going to say screw you. I'm tired of him treating everyone like shit and not careing about them. He had nerve a few weeks ago to say no one ever does anything for him. That pissed me the fuck off. No way am I ever doing a thing for him again. He can just piss off as far as I am concerned. If he's going to be a dickhead, well I can play that game to. Anyone who fucks me over or messes with me anymore is screwed because I will retaliate. Oh, and don't worry Stephanie, I am still contimplating what I will do to your dumb ass. She will fucking unexpect it, because it will be when she least expects it. Fuck yes.

Now moving on. Things with Dustin have been great. He is so nice to me. I love him. A few days ago I was depressed and everything and I cried like everyday, but it wasn't his fault really. I was just stressed out. My mind has been through a lot the last month and I just need to get over everything. I have been fine the last few days. Each day I felt a little better, and today I feel fine, except for the fact my brother fucking waking me up this morning makes me want to beat his ass down. I fucking even got up to go after him, but lucky for him he was gone. Little bitch. Other than that I am fine right now.

We had a tornado the night before yesterday. Yup, it sucks. The north side of town looks like shit. A gas station, a building next to it, a car wash, Birdsell, a car repair shop, and a hotel are all garbage now or need serious work done to them. It sucks. It's like the tornado picked and choosed what it hit because places in various locations were hit. The north side of town was hit pretty bad, but it's definatly not the worst there ever has been, not even close. Trees were knocked down onto houses, peoples roofs were blown off, and their garages caved in. Dustin's brother's car that he was restoring is now totaled because a tree fell on it. He lives on the side of town that was hit. I'm glad not much happened to us. Mostly trees on my side of town. I was so scared the night it happened though. It was around midnight and my mom comes into my room to take my fan outta my window. She tells me the sirens are going off and I finally hear them over the sound of my fan, so I get up and it's so incredibly windy outside. We were all about to go to the basement. I was standing in my hallway and I got sprayed with rain from the kitchen window! Then my mom's all like go shut it. Hell no I wasn't going to go and shut that window. Our whole fucking kitchen was soaked, the floor, the fridge, the stove, and counters. We ended up not going into the basement because suddenly it got kinda quiet outside. So I went back to bed 10 minutes after it quieted down because my mom said she'd stay up awhile longer and tell me if anything else happened. I find out the next day that we had a tornado. We've never had one of those, but Illinois does get hit with a lot of tornados around this time of year. People have always said that this town's elevation is low so it is highly unlikely for us to get hit. Well, I guess we did anyway, but we haven't before. We've only had them outside of town. I think they said one person died and an old lady was hurt at the hotel or she was killed. Two people in Winchester died. It hit in that town also. I'm glad not too many people were hurt.

It's 9 a.m. I could still be sleeping. Oh, well. If I got ready I could go see Dustin on break but I will see him later tonight. Yay! Well, bye for now.

current mood: My head is numb
current music: Until the day I die...I'll spill my heart for you!

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Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
11:40 am
Hey journal. I am in a better mood since my last entry. I just get moody sometimes....who doesn't? I'm all good now.

Let's see. My new job is going ok. I just hate being new and not knowing what I am doing. It's a pretty easy job though. A boring job at times too. When we have no business...uhh it sucks, time will just drag and drag. I hate that. Oh, well. I can't wait until I can get a different job though.

My mom found out about the incident at Wendy's. She wasn't happy and we fought, but that same night everything was ok. I didn't get in trouble because she thinks I learned my lesson because I had to get a new job and suffer a pay cut. Not to mention I think it's also because I am almost 18. I just had to promise her I wouldn't do it again. I haven't smoked pot in like three weeks. I feel ok. There's people that have said they feel weird when they aren't on it. They do it all the time though. I feel fine and I could probably go without doing again, but that doesn't mean I'm going to. We'll see, because I really felt like it yesterday. Oh, well.

Dustin is cool. He's really different now. Like he tells me he loves me everyday, and yesterday he said he was glad he had me in his life, and he tells me he's lucky to have me, and I make him happy. He's really sweet to me. I love him.

I'm really not sure if I want to meet his friends. Mainly because they smoke pot like all the time. The other day Dustin told me how Lauran was in the kitchen with Brandi and she was like,"Do you ever get that feeling you're high when you aren't?" Brandi says, "We just smoked a bowl." Dustin says she forgets things a lot. They do it every single day, at night because it helps them sleep. Oh well, that is their life.

la la la. I wonder what college I should go to. I'm thinking I should just start out at Lincoln Land. I really would love to go to Northland, but I would have to work really hard to get there. Oh, well.

I bought Dustin a record player finally. I got it off of ebay.....yay! Lol. I hope it's cool and he likes it.

Well, since nothing cool has been happening at all, I will go now. Good-bye!

~Jessica

current mood: okay
current music: CKY

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Friday, May 7th, 2004
11:52 am - Life is a bitch
Not a whole lot has happened. Usually that is the case. I've been bored. My new job is pretty easy, but it isn't paying me enough. If I don't get a raise in two months, then I will probably look for a new job. He said you can get up to a 50 cent raise, depending on how much you know. We'll see if he is lying or not.

I'm still with Dustin. Yup.

I talked to Tanya yesterday for awhile. She may be moving this summer. I think it'd be good for her to get away from her mom. It depends on whether or not she gets the job up where she may be moving or not. She plans on leaving Wendy's whether or not she gets the job or not. She found out Stephanie was the one that narked us out. Now, I must pay her ass back. I haven't thought on what this may be, but she definately is not off the hook with this one. If she weren't such a fat cow, then maybe I could kick her ass, but I am small, and she would probably sit on me and I'd die.....so I must think of another way. She didn't hurt me much, I got a job like 3 days after I was forced to quit Wendy's. My last check from Wendy's was for 6 days and I grossed $225, but they took out taxes so I am left with $188. I also got my first check from my new job. It was for $24 dollars. So, as long as I am able to make my car payment, everything should be ok. I just won't have has much money as I'm used to. That's not a bad thing really, atleast for now. I eventually need a raise or I'll have to find a new job because I need money for college. I am taking my GED in July finally, whether or not I have studied enough for it or not, I am still taking it. Yup. I hope I do good. Math and the essay actually, I think I may do bad on. Oh, well. I will try.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do career wise. I love music with a passion. I would love nothing more than to do something with it, however, I don't know that I will be able to get the education needed to accomplish that. Maybe. I dunno though. I have thought about getting my own business, but I don't know what kind of a business I would want. I just want a profession that allows me to be who I am. If I want piercings and blue hair, then I want piercings and blue hair. I don't want to have to change for my career. That would be boooooogus. Hmm. We will see in time I suppose.

It's 11:30. Dustin is still sleeping. He always sleeps like way in on his days off. I work days now and I can't sleep in as long as he does. He gets up at 5 everyday though, I get up at 7 or 8. Oh, well. If he isn't up by noon, I am calling him. He told me to do that anyway. Hmmm.

You know, I am actually sick and tired of this not being able to meet his friends thing. It's completley gay and stupid and I am so tired of it. You know, Brandi fucking liked him back in JULY. It is now May. Ok, that is plenty of time for her to get over him. She needs to go after single guys anyway. She always fucking goes after people that are taken. It's so bogus of her too. I'm tired of the lame excuse. I should just make friends and not let Dustin meet them. See how he likes it. It sucks and I am so tired of it, you have no idea. It's so annoying and I'm constantly having to hear about them too. Like they are just so fucking cool. Oh yes, they are so damn cool, they are fucking pot heads, they will soon be 22, and they still work at WENDYS like they have for 5 years. Geez. Yeah, they are really too good for me. Whatever. I shoudln't care anymore. I should just hang out with people and make Dustin have to do whatever every once in a while. I should just be like hey my friends are having a party so I'm hanging out with them tonight. I should. And I'm sorry, but I am not inviting him to meet my friends ever. Not unless he decides I can meet his. No one is cool around here. Everyone are posers or lame. I need out of this shit hole of a town. I need to get away from everyone here. I'm sick of everyone in this damn town being shallow bastards, I'm sick of everyone in this damn town being selfish shitheads. I hate this town. Everyone here sucks and I need to move and get away. There isn't anything here for me. Nothing. Dustin, I love him so much, but I won't let him stand in my way. I will do what I want in life no matter what. No one has ever been able to keep me from doing what I want, and I refuse to let love and some guy change that. I've made up my mind. I am leaving this town. I'm leaving. Wait until I turn 18............I am leaving.

current mood: bitchy
current music: Death by Stereo

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Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
9:53 am - awwww yeeea I am so awesome.....
Well, hello there everyone. Some stuff has happened since I last wrote to you. I had to quit my job the other day....because of something I did. Well, 4 people that night had to quit....all because we smoked some weed. Lol. I have been happy not working though. I hate that place. I feel so good to be out of there. I had an interview already with Subway. Atleast it's air conditioned. I think I have that job so I am excited. =) If not, there are always other jobs. I wrote a song about it. It was pretty great. lol. Ah, well. The only thing that sucks really is the fact that now, when I try and get a job I have to put down Wendy's, atleast for awhile I do. If my future employer tries to contact them and see what happened I don't know if Marty will tell them or not. He doesn't want anyone to know because he doesn't want the place to look bad. Well, Subway knows the reason I had to quit. It's ok though. The big top dude said he believes in giving second chances. Awesome. He said he doesn't care if people smoke it, just not at work. Ok then, I can handle that.
I think we should have just been suspended though. I mean, people get away with being late and stuff all the time. It's not fair. Oh, well. I'm happy to be moving on now. It's like a big burden was lifted off my shoulders. It's pretty cool.
I didn't even cry about it. For like 30 seconds and it was like a fake type cry, like I felt I should be or something because I cry about everything else. I did freak out though. We all did. It's all good now though. I think everything is going to be fine. The only reason I really need a job is so I can keep my car. Oh, well.


Dustin and I had a good day yesterday. We wrote a song because we are awesome. It was a lot of fun. We did stuff yesterday it was pretty awesome. Awww yeea. Dustin and I are cool I think. I enjoy him a lot. He's pretty fun to be with. I'm glad I worked there for the time that I did. I got to meet Dustin, and I am so happy with him. I also have better communication skills. It's easy for me to talk to people now. I can actually talk how I think at times, and I don't have social anxiety as bad as I did. Well, Dustin and punk rock helped me a lot with that. It's great. So, on to different things. It was time for a change any how.

Well, I will try and write again sometime. Talk to everyone that has read this another time.

~Jessica~

current mood: chipper
current music: Punk 101 Cd....I love this album

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Sunday, March 28th, 2004
1:54 am
Journal, it has been a long time, huh? Yes, it has. Not a whole lot has really happened as always.
It has been warmer the last few days. I love spring. It's so cool. Warm weather always puts me in a good mood.

Things with Dustin have been really good. I love him a whole lot. I really do, and, he loves me. He says it a lot now. Not as much as I do, but I really can't help it. I tell him he's cute, and beautifu,l and that I love him all of the time. He likes it. I can't help that I do though. When I look at him, he's so flawless in everyway. He's not perfect, he doesn't make a lot of money, he doesn't have an impresive job, or a nice car, or his own place, or anything like that, but who cares? He knows how to have fun and just because he doesn't have any of those things, doesn't mean he doesn't have dreams and that he won't have all of that some day. To me he is such a beautiful person and I wish there were more people out there like him. I am so in love with him.

We've been having fun a lot lately too. We just hang out at parks and everything all of the time, but we have fun doing it. The other day we went to Wal-Mart and after we got out of the store we decided to sit on one of the porch swings they have sitting outside. It was dark and cool outside. We just sat there and held eachother and everything. It was nice and we both enjoyed it a lot. Last week we went and chilled at a baseball diamond and they had toilets just laying around. Like 4 of them and I sat on one and we took pictures of it. It was funny. Lol. I was actually going to use it, but, it's a good thing I didn't because some people came right as I was getting off of it. Good times, good times. Awww yeaa! Hehe.

Sublime is awesome just so you all know. I love the band and I think Brad as a beautiful voice. He's definately one of my favorites if not just that. Yup, everyone should listen to Sublime. They are great. Yay!

I need to lay off the pot for awhile. I have gotten high everyday for over a week now. Today I just got a buzz while I was on break. I need to slow back down to once a week. I don't want to be a pot head. It's not me and I refuse to let it become me. I don't agree with doing it every day and I am only being a hypocrite if I do the same. That's really the only thing I don't like about Dustin, but only because I don't want it to interfere with him becoming something. He is really so intelligent. I love him to death too. All I want is for him to be happy.

Steve is cool. I don't know if I have wrote about it or not, but he sent me a package with pics and his album. They seem like they are a cool band. They really have potential it seems, but I need to hear more of their music. I like what I have heard though, and I think if they put more music out maybe they will get a record deal. See, the first and last song kinda sound alike. That's my only critisism. And I don't really think it's a bad thing because a lot of bands have songs that resemble eachother. Odium Halo just needs a little more variety in the music. That is all. They probably do now. Steve said they have 4 more songs, I believe is what he said, and they are probably very good songs as well. I really do like the songs I have heard and I am excited about hearing more. I hope he doesn't get mad at me or anything for saying that about his music, but I didn't mean anything bad by it. I think that may just be the reason they haven't got a deal yet. The labels just need to hear more, that don't sound just the same. I really don't mean any bad by it at all. I love Steve and I love those three songs. I really do. They could be a really great band. They are cool now. =)

Lalalala. I wish I were in a band. Oh, well. I am not, and probably never will be. I am going to learn bass some day though.

Well, I am sleepy so goodnight all.

~Jessica~

current mood: sleepy
current music: Classical...It's just so relazing when i come home from work

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Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
12:45 am - Personal things
Hello. It's been awhile, huh? I am almost finished studying for my GED. Yay! It's taken me longer than it should have probably, but whatever. I am busy a lot. I work a lot too. I need to start saving for college, moving out, just to have just in case money, anything. I should start saving more. I get paid Thursday and I still have $50 from my last check. That's pretty good for me. I also have the $100, but that is for car payment. If I didn't have car payment I could have a whole lot of money saved by now. Oh, well.

Valentine's day was all right. We didn't really go and see a movie or anything and we just ate at Hardee's, but whatever. I had a nice day with him. :) We sat out at the park and watched ducks and got high, then we drove around, had sex, just hung out with eachother. There was only an hour of shittiness, but that is because we didn't know what to do. Oh, well. I had a nice day other than that. He got my the Mad Caddies album and two sets of earings. I got him, a Joey Ramone figure thing and the SLC Punk Dvd. He liked his gifts and I liked mine. :) I didn't get flowers or anything, but I always get sad when they die because they are so pretty while they are living, so I didn't want any anyway.

I love Dustin just so ya know. Hehe, he's so great, I don't know. It's just great being with him. How we get along and everything. Those days I was all in a bad mood, it was because I was thinking of the day we will break up. It makes me hurt. Like, literally I get this pain in my chest when I am about to cry whenever I think about it. It's almost scary the thought of losing him. What if, I never find that trust and compatibleness with anyone else? I'm afraid of that. I want to be loved too. Dustin loves me....but he isn't in love with me. That was hard thinking about too. I'm so deeply in love with him, and I just want that back ya know? I don't expect it though, so I dealt with it. I'm young anyway. I shouldn't want this, but I am afraid I have fallen for him and I do want that. I could be with him forever. If we don't end up together in the end......I just hope that someday someone loves me as much as I will love them and trust and everything are there. I also don't want to fight. Dustin and I have yet to get into a fight. I mean we have had a few not all that great days, but they weren't fights. Hmm. I hate wanting to be loved and wanting attention. I almost don't even want to admit to that. I can't help it though. I want to be loved so badly, it sucks. *sighs* Dustin loves me, he just doesn't want to be in love right now. Oh, well. I accept it. I have to. You can't force someone to love you.

It's so crazy how I love Dustin. I never thought I could love someone the way I love him. It's insane and intense....and it sucks at times. Maybe it would be awesome if it were a two sided thing. I just hate crying anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. Hmm.
Anyway. I have been good other than that. I'm happy with him and all. I have forgiven Tanya and we are friends. I don't trust her yet....maybe someday I will again. Work sucks as always. I swear some people are so damn lazy and retarded. Maybe I am just too much of a perfectinonest. I dunno. Oh well. I can't wait until I get a better job.

Birth control has been sucking. The side affects. :( I haven't gained weight, I have actually lost weight but not because of the shot, I'm sure. I just exercise and drink lots of water. I'm really only having one side affect and its an extra long time of the month. Lol.....I'm sure you wanted to know that, but I don't care, it's my journal. I can't have sex until it's over! I could, but I won't. Lol. Well, I will if there is like nothing at all hardly. It's difficult to explain, you'd have to do it to know.

Ah, and I haven't masturbated in over a week. LOL....I am getting personal here, huh? Sorry....oh well. Well, I haven't. I am proud of me. My reason for cutting back is so sex is way more awesome for me. I did have sex a few times and got off way quicker. Yay for the orgasm, what a great 5 second experience. Wow! I wish they lasted longer.

I haven't had sex in a few days. I am waaaaaay horny right now. I want to get off sooooo badly. :( *cries* I won't though. I am going to try and get through this. Geez, it sucks so bad how horny I am at the moment though. Ahhhhh.

Think of things that don't make me horny. La la la la la. So...have I mentioned Anti-Flag our the bomb diggity shit. I love them. That reminds me....I haven't seen Earl in ages. I wonder how he is. Hmm. I hope I see him again some time. That might be cool.

Well, I guess I will go now. I have gotten way personal in many ways tonight. I think I will go do something else now. Goodnight.

~Jessica~

current mood: horny
current music: classical stuff......it's relaxing

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Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
11:44 pm
Hello. Valentine's Day is Saturday. I don't know what Dustin and I are doing yet. I still have to buy him something. The last two days I have been a blah. It's because I get annoyed or w/e with things easily. I can't help it. I am going to try though. It's always the same things bothering me.

Today must have been "see your ex boyfriends day Jessica" day because I saw Justyn first of all driving and I was like great, as if I wasn't already in a bad mood I had to think about him for like 5 minutes and it sucked, then when I was on my way to work Daniel stops by and stops me in the road in front of my house. I parked on the side and was like what have you been up to? He's like I was just wondering if you knew of any place where we could find some stuff. He is so retarded. Come on dude...like I would tell him. SO I said no. And then I said bye and went to work. He was being a dick head today. Lol. I am not stupid. There is only one ex that I have gone out with that I would want to be with again someday....and that would be Brad Brown. I think he might be cool. Really though, DUstin is pretty much what I want. Oh well. Maybe if we do break-up in the future we will get back together again someday. I just love him a lot. I can't help it. He is the happiest I have ever been with someone. Hmm. It hurts to think about, so I won't. I love him too much.

Work still sucks ass.

Music is still cool. Yay!

Not a lot has been going on. I have been in a crap mood the last two days and that is about all. Oh well. I think I am ok now. Tomorrow I get to hang out with DUstin some more. We hung out today and just played around pretty much. He kept throwing pillows and blankets at me. SO I kept tickling him. My mood wasn't good though....I felt weird. I dunno. Oh well.

Birth control has had some side effects. I was really tired today....but that may just be me being tired. I have had some headaches. I haven't gained weight, but I have had an increased appetite. I have ate a little too much the last week....so I need to quit. Today I didn't eat that much. I drink mostly only water and that is another reason I don't gain weight anymore. They say hair loss is a side effect, i have been losing more hair than what they say is normal, I'm not balding anywhere lol, thank God, but maybe it is just a phase because it has happened before, then it stopped.

Now we can have unprotected sex. Lol, no I don't care. It feels more intense without a condom though. It isn't as smooth and all that. I might have to get used to it, or he is going to have to not do it so hard. We still use pull out method because it has only been two weeks.

Dustin is 20 now. I bought him a record player but I had to take it back because it didn't work right. Oh well. I still want to get him one, but I have to find one. They are hard to find around here for some reason. He's cute. He doesn't even look 20. Steve is the same way....he is 20 too...he looks young as well.

I wonder where I will be in like 5 or 6 years. I wish I could go ahead and see.

The Darkness are cool. lol. I like this song I believe in a thing called love.....I also like Get your hands off of my woman. Lol.....GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY WOMEN MOTHERFUCKER! Hehe...it's great. That high voice thing not just anyone could pull that off. That is cool. They are a great band but they are cool. =) Yay!

Well, goodnight! YAY!

current mood: horny
current music: The Darkness......I believe in a Thing called Love

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Saturday, February 7th, 2004
1:12 am
Hello journal. Nothing has been happening at all really. It's winter and I don't do a whole lot cept hang out with Dustin at his house and watch movies and things because it's too cold. We've gone on a few roadies though. We went on one today. We ended up just chilling at a parking lot though. Then we went back to his house. Nothing exciting really. I had fun though. I had bought him a record player the other day and it doesn't work right, so now I have to take the stupid thing back. I was so excited about getting it for him too, but it was shit. =( Maybe I can find a good one somewhere. I hope.

Work has been work, like always. Things with Tanya, well, we haven't mentioned anything about the lie since everything happened. I just act like everything is fine. I guess I am sorta over it, maybe. I don't trust her with anything anymore though. I still am a bit afraid to be alone with her, because you never know. I don't trust many people you know. People are scary if you think about it. Like you could never know. I trust a few people though, so I am not unrealistic about it, so I think I am ok. I just trust those who have proven they can be trusted. I never really have trusted Tanya completely, it's just now, there isn't any trust at all. Oh well.

Studying is ok. I still don't do it as much as I should, but I figure I should be done soon enough. As long as I kick myself in the ass to get motivated. Sometimes I think it's unfair that you usually have to have a great education to become successful in life. That is completely bogus because there are plenty of intelligent people out there who could become very successful w/o college. I guess college isn't a bad thing, it's just unreal how much you have to spend, and some of the gay things you have to know that you will never use. Oh well. Life can be retarded sometimes.

Life hasn't been too bad. I am only sick of work and winter pretty much. Winter has got to be the most boring season of them all. I hate it. Snow is pretty, yes, but why does it have to be cold? Oh well.

I'm getting closer to becoming 18. It's kind of scary. I hope I make it ok in life. I just want enough money to survive and not worry about bills, and I want to be happy, and I want someone who I can share the rest of my life with. Dustin may not be it, and he probably isn't. It's ok though, right now our relationship is great and I'm enjoying it while it's here. If he's not the one, he's not the one. We will always be friends, so it is all good. I love him. =)

Oh yeah! Ant-Flag album is great. I love it and I think everyone should get it~

Well, I am sleepy so I must be on my way.
~Jessica~

current mood: sleepy
current music: ~Get your hands off of my woman mothafucker~~The Darkness..

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