Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Kuuipo's Blurty:

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Friday, November 6th, 2009
9:59 pm	Life's endless journey Amazing how one thing...as insignificant as you think it is can affect so many lives. From going to some altered state of reality to realizing that you are in it alone for the long ride can have so many outcomes. First one, you never who you are your friends until you really get yourself in a pickle. The true friends come out. Second...Relationships are drama! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
10:28 pm	in the midst of strangers... none more the stranger than me. I guess you could say I love my life. I work weird hours, hardly spend time with my daughter, who wants nothing more than my time or the sake that I am happy with her and not mad at her. To wish I could look at the world through the eyes of a child. The absolute wonder and amazement they have I wish could last forever. But alas, everyone falls into the trap called adulthood. Tragic I say. Why can't we all just be in awe at life??? Wouldn't it be much simpler just creating a place you could call safe? Who knows... (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
8:46 pm	Absently Searching In the hopes of finding just a glimmer of it. It being defined as the warmth of the presence of that feeling you get when you know that look in that person's eyes are just for you. What am I talking about you say? well that feeling is love. I guess I have never had that before, and have been trying to avoid its sincerity for an eternity. But I have noticed that love has always been tragic. Maybe my outlook has been wrong. Maybe it is actually just an absolutely wonderful feeling that embraces us in a moment in time to be reflected forever in a memory. Or maybe I am just full of dreams and thinking about it cause I just watched a love story. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
1:12 am	if it ain't real love struggling to acknowledge to myself that it was only a fling...yet in the back of my head i knew it was more. trying to bury it for the sake of my sanity, yet like letting a fire go unwatch it burns deep in my soul. was he the one for me, or should i just let him go??? I know that it was wrong, and I know I had to be strong...he was eight years my junior and i still think about him...it was cause of the fact that we were both outsiders in a place we didn't belong but were compelled to stay. man...if that was love, then love really does suck...i can remember the times i was in his arms, and how i thought that was the best place in the world..how he cried when he realized that no one wanted him, and yet i could comfort him cause i knew exactly how he felt..i was unwanted as well. but i guess i missed my window of opportunity and now i must suffer...but i am happy for him...he is living a good life now...God bless him and take care of him for me...and his family (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
12:42 am	searching for the answer... another rainy night, listening to rain falls against the corrugated iron so nicely placed on the roof makes a funny sound. makes u think about things u want to achieve in life, or lack thereof...funny how at 1am u can think of everything that bugs u the most, yet not think of anything at all. like how u know something is right, and everything falls in place, then u have one major obstacle in your way that can't be moved, yet going around seems impossible. to have the fact that u lost everything, yet never lost anything u never really had... a mere shell existing in your life to do your every bidding...hmm..funny how some things are so clear, yet so foggy. my life is like im standing in line..i see the end, yet so far from it, but moving closer by each second that goes by...but not making any progress...then u get fed up and say fuck it all, then a new cashier is opening..a way out...so close, yet so far away. so u get to the checkout finally, and realize your money isn't there..huh..how ironic is that? all your efforts to be forgotten so fast. mindless rambling? maybe, but hey what can u expect at 1 in the morning..a bunch of useless words written on a paper to be read by someone searching for an answer that was there all along. to be alone and happy is fine, to be with someone and depressed...well that is another story...to hide it to keep them from hurting, yet dying inside...sad way to live life don't u think? comprised of so many lives intangled with yours, yet not really. do u really affect people in the way u think? or the way u act? or the way u express your feelings? possibly..or maybe they bond cause they feel the same, just didn't know it. i mean how do u really love someone?? u get to know them, they put an act on for the first six months, they hide how they really are, and then all of a sudden...five years gone by, and your like..damn..where does the time go??? i swear i was only 22, living life like how i wanted...being grounded..lmao..those were the days...and look...going on 27, still in the same shit i was in...and it's not fun anymore..im growing older, and nothing has changed, yet feelings are gone, comfort sat in it's place, and time creeped upon me. and all those goals yet still to be achieved sits on a shelf collecting dust, waiting for time to come to be dusted off and looked upon. i feel it near, and anxious about the outcome..well it be worthwhile? i know for a fact its going to be one hell of a ride, and im ready for it. life is a journey..take it as it comes, not wait for it to come to u..u will be left behind in a dust trail created by the people that past you taking their journey. listening to the song never forget where im from...but where am i from? being born in hawaii, raised in the mainland...lost somewhere along the way, finding roots in waimanalo, hawaii, and then being uprooted so i can grow to whatever it was that i was trying to attain in the first place...before the weeds came upon me..some good, some bad...but that's life...ya know..never know what is in store for ya. like the song along for the rides says...im along for the ride, waiting for my destination unknown where i can start anew, and build a life. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
12:27 am	empting my brain at this time in my life..i know y i am leaving...and i can't wait....to live with a family that has no disregard for anyone but themselves is sad...really shitty, but hey...u live with that all your life, what are u supposed to consider normal? (Comment on this)
12:27 am	empting my brain at this time in my life..i know y i am leaving...and i can't wait....to live with a family that has no disregard for anyone but themselves is sad...really shitty, but hey...u live with that all your life, what are u supposed to consider normal? (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 8th, 2005
12:21 pm	sitting here another uneventful day...yay... have actually come to the conclusion that i like this? i highly doubt that, to wake up and say at least im alive but is this being alive, same routine day in and day out? damn if that is, then wouldn't being dead be the same thing..i mean u know what u are going to do in the next day...lie there and let the maggots eat your body like a feast...(that was descriptive...ew) well actually, im not thinking about killing myself or anything like that..just wondering... and bored, and that is what popped in my head....pretty trippy huh...and the fact that my cousin is talking about body modification bought that up... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
1:36 pm	random thoughts well, as another chapter in my life is coming to an end...i have learned alot about this year. 1. the stupidest questions in the world : on a first meeting : Can I fuck U? (um...NO!! Loser) in a fight: Do u want me to hit u? (well lemme think about that....what a dumb ass) why do u want to be with me? (well geez...i don't like being with u...how am i supposed to answer that?) are u cheating on me? (is that a trick question..i stay home all the time..hello) your dumb aren't ya? (well would that make u smart?) 2. RELATIONSHIPS SUX!! A BIG ONE!! 3. Having an option and not taking it is a big mistake. 4. Even at 26, I can still learn how to play the ukulele...weeeeeeeeeee 5. Coming home at 6am is a very tiring thing to do 6. Having family around all the time is cool!! 7. Fighting is stupid especially if it is with family members 8. Kids make u smile when u come home, and they have a huge smile on your face, and run to u to give u a big hug!! (Love that feeling =) 9. Men are very manipulating...and most are selfish Okay, that was what I learned in the last year. Everyday is a learning experience, and I love it. Even if it is a bad experience, I still gain knowledge from it, and know not to do that again. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 25th, 2004
6:08 pm	a comment posted u know what? i have not once said anything behind someone's back that i did not tell to their face. that whole back stabbing thing is not my style, and i never do that. to be a friend, u have to act like one...if u are goin to be a back stabber, then that is what type of people that will surround u. everyone knows that rule, do unto others, as u have them do unto u, well how would u feel if i did that? i know i would feel kinda shitty about it, but then again...i guess i can turn off my emotions as well and not give a fuck about anything anymore. that would be the best right? to be alone? to have things that are thought up from the depths of my mind, to be grown beyond capacity. like a seed that is nurtured to it can't be held anymore, and to be dropped and spread among existence. that will be my new life now. thank u for making me think like that. that living without emotion is good. i can't hurt anymore, cause i can't feel anymore, i hope u are happy and enjoy your new found life that u have created. the scar on your back will heal, the dying of my heart will not. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
12:09 am	thoughts first off...i would like to thank someone for turning on the light, to which i find myself forever in the dark nowadays. at the turning of a new leaf, i am finally beginning to get used to seeing my surroundings. As i look around, with eyes wide open, i see that everything i have known for the last seven years has been a lie. It hurts to say that, but u know what..maybe that is what it took? to be used in every which way, until i am of no use anymore, then tossed on the side to be picked up by the trash collector or termed "useless junk" Pity trip? hardly..i don't ask anyone to pity me, only to listen when i vent, maybe for some that is a little too much..who knows... secondly...friends? isn't a friend someone u know will be there? someone u want to be like, or someone u can trust on? is that not what friends are for? to share the good as well as the bad? then again...maybe some people think that friendship is just having someone around when u need them..like a safety net...to be taken out for hard times, and tossed aside and forgotten in smooth times. third....relationships...doesn't that take some kind of effort on both parties? to give and recieve, not just take all the time? i mean come on...after a while u get tired of everything..or maybe just tired of the situation..and not making a move to get ahead, rather would stay and bitch about it, like that is goin to solve everything right? "if i bitch enough, the problem will disappear?" hardly, only be covered for now, but slowly growing beneath the surface like a tumor...undetected, but realizing it is there, and then it is too late to change, rather the decay slowly turns you into something fragile...or u have enough that u fly off the handle.... im so tired....with each increasing day..my energy i once had, the light that once shone through the darkness and guided my way into life is slowly being dimmed by negativity and the harsh reality setting in. im just tired of living day to day without actually realizing my destiny of life...to be here? for what? do i effect the lives that i touched that much, that i am still here for a reason? my mind weary of thinking too much...and filled with such nothingness that it affects my every decision. body is weary from all the emotions covered in the past few days, that i could sleep for a lifetime it seems, and still be tired...drained from all that pressure put on us as kids to live better than our parents, yet to be pullled down by them as well...get ahead, but not better than me. but yet in the midst of it all..a seed grows...a seed of hope that maybe just one day, happiness will occur, and the fairy tale ending we all wish for might actually just come through, by will or by fate...maybe even life decisions that we face every single day when we open our eyes. to get out of bed, and do the same damn thing...is that living life to the fullest? or just getting by? pulled in a direction for an easy life, to only be suckered into the same job since high school? or to get out and work many jobs by force of getting by? why do i think this shit up? like i don't have enough on my mind..finding out y im the way i am, because of stuff that happened to me when i was too young? or maybe because im trying to figure out who i am? why i do the crap that i do? a friend once told me, that GOD is real, and if u only listened, u might be able to hear him talk. how do u listen to that? i heard him once, and went out on a limb and actually heard..but did i actually listen? damn..y do i do things that are self destructive? flashbacks? we all have them...but maybe not as bad...or maybe as bad as u think, but figure it is a figment of imagination? a cry for attention that was never given as a child...for the abuse was the only thing u know...the "norm" persay that u are accustomed to? to never come out of the box that feels safe, but know is wrong? to experience the good side of life with someone u actually love, and not a strong connection, cause u have been through alot together, and share a child? to love someone is to be there through thick and thin, good and bad, and when random shit just pops in your head and can affect the way u lived for so many years. to not be close to someone for fear of rejection, or maybe because u would care too much..or too little, or maybe cause everyone u know is not the same person u thought they were. Mood: confused, perplexed, ...lost Song: Autumn Breeze-Nestor, To Whom It May Concern-Creed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 23rd, 2004
3:16 pm	A Fork in the road well as life always does, i have reached my fork in the road...I have to choose what is right for my daughter as well as for me, and the thing that would hurt her the most. Decisions that can make or break anyone. But as far as I can tell, both decision will affect her dramatically. Although she is young, and maybe it won't have as big as an effect as i think, it just may. to leave everything that u know, to be dropped into an environment unfamilar and the only person you are familiar with is your mom? the people closest to u gone and chances of seeing them again unknown? Do u think that it is a dramatic change or no? Kids..they affect your life in so many ways, every decision u make will affect them, without u realizing it, and do they come out as the winner? or is it just for your own selfish thinking? Mood: Perplexed Song: Everybody's Fool-Evanescence (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 12th, 2004
12:15 am	Setting things right Well as hard as it may seem to mend the wrong that i did in my life...damn..never thought i would have to, but to set things straight with myself and the people around me, i would have to. To my best friend: You have always been there for me, and im sorry i couldn't do the same. When u needed me the most, i was nowhere around, and im sorry. Relationships are a pain in the ass, and that is no excuse. U know how that is though, i know u do...having someone throw a major tantrum when things don't go their way, and they throw a hissy fit. To Ben: Damn...so much to say, so little space...well, first things first, i have grown alot since meeting u, i have a daughter, who is as healthy as u can ask for, a vision of how i do not want to live the rest of my life, and now i know y i want to be single...or at least for a long, long time before attemping a relationship again. So much trials and tribulations to go through, and to conquer, and getting nowhere fast. Maybe partly my fault, who knows, or maybe we are not supposed to where we are and just a lot of bad mistakes. There are so many people on this list, not enought time, can't find the right words, and maybe too late for some. But before i leave hawaii, i shall make it right.. Mood: Confused, Empathy Song: Hide U by Kosheen (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 15th, 2004
12:14 am	a reach out for help If i wasn't confused before, i am alot worse now....im confused about my feelings, lost in thought alot nowadays, and scared of the outcome i will soon have to face. I wish that i didn't prolong this, and spent more time with my dad, rather then avoiding the issue and spend the last two years in denial of anything being wrong. But now that the end is near, i feel that i wasted so much time running away, that im scared to come back and face the obvious..that at any given time from now, i will no longer have a father that will be there..physically that is, and i don't want that to happen. I feel that i want him around with me, that i could just go there, and see him, and not think that he won't be there next time i visit. I want him to be around to see my daughter grow up, and have him play with his grandchildren, and be what a grandparent is supposed to be, not what someone who is trying to hide what they dont' want their children to see, and make them worry....because that is only worse for them ya know. fear of the unknown is possible as well, and i think i am suffering from that as well, but time will only tell what the heck im doin...life is just being a mindless ocean of faces and incomprehensible subjects for me now..it kinda sucks that reality sucks a big one, and that i rely on people that i don't know in person to provide me with the i don't know how to explain it but yeah...but i figure i would write it on here so i could have one less thing on my head for the time being..until next time..a hui hou, malama pono (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
4:56 pm	how do u tell..... how do u tell someone that you love them, but are not in love with them anymore? i have been trying for the last year, but have come to the conclusion that i can't break his heart...but i don't know...the more i think about it, the more i want to tell him, he has been acting strange lately, or maybe its me..who knows...all i know is that im sick of living the way that i am right now, am sick of being in idle, and im sick of pretending to be in a situation that basically sucks... but how do u tell them that? is there an easy way to let them know???? help, for i desperately need to know (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
7:20 pm	more mindless babble i am torn in two different directions...i want to be with someone, and i know that is wrong because im with someone right now. but before you judge, hear me out. the person i am with right now, has no direction in life...other than just day by day. it may be wrong to try and change someone, but you know what? i give up on that already. the person that i fell in love with is not the same person that i live with now. he got lost somewhere...and the funny thing is that when i was pregnant with my daughter, i knew that i had made a mistake by still staying with that person by the attitude he protrayed when i was pregnant, but like a dummy i stayed because i thought that i could change him, and i have found out that you can't change someone. and then i have this other guy that i talk to online, and he is what i would call infactuated by me. he calls it love, but i don't know what love is. someone once told me that you know you love someone when they do something, and all you feel is pain. and someone else told me that if you break up with that person, and you see them with someone else, and you can't stand that, then that is when you know that you love that person. but to me, i don't think that i can feel like that with anyone. idon't know..maybe i just fucked in the head (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
9:07 pm	wow...haven't been here forever well, how is everyone in blurty land? as for me, im doin well i guess...im at that stage in life where you say...what more could possibly go worse??? i mean i spend more time at work now, than with my daughter who is turning three next week..and for what? so i can spend all my money on bills that constantly get worse? to live with a boyfriend who doesn't do anything, or have any goals? but doesn't want me to move ahead...then after all that..my cousin is leaving for iraq...what the hell are we still doin down there? dammit i trip..but now that im all better now.... (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
11:11 pm	exercise well today was a heck of a day lemme tell ya..I just wanted to come home after work and sleep, but ended up walking to the gym and playing volleyball...that was so much fun. Talked to a stalker guy yesterday that called my friends phone..it was pretty funny, and he is such a dork...but I have nothing else to say now, so i will quit blabbering and shut up now..till we meet again (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
2:11 am	ending of a boring day well today was an exciting day..i did laundry and alot in fact, and the rain never ceases to stop now...that sux not much else to say right now...all the thoughts in my head are endless ramble not fit to put on paper right now...maybe when i can sort it all out i can put it on paper for ya to physcoanalyze for lack of a better word..aloha (Comment on this)
Monday, February 16th, 2004
9:18 pm	My prayer to God I know that I haven't talked to you in forever, excuses are of no use because you see everything that I do. But today I need the guidance that you have always provided in the past, and I never listened to. I was always a lost sheep in the corral of life, just finding my own way in this world. Thank you for the never ending patience that you have for your lost sheep. I so need your guidance in my time of need, and for my friend. Her family is dealing with a lot of trauma right now, and I don't know how to comfort her, and I also need the comfort that u always provide. Please help me to understand the obstacles that you place us in everyday. Some much obstacles to overcome, it feels like I can't handle it, but you said that you will never give me more than I can handle. Am I just creating problems in my head, and life is not as hard as it seems? Or is it what u wanted me to go through to come back and find my way back into the light? I was once told by a dear friend that I had lost my way to find you. I think that he is right. I did lose my way somewhere in life, and I thought that I was there the whole time. Please forgive me for that. I try to do my best, but I think that I only give it half-heartedly. I will try to do my best now to be in your presence and for you to bless me the way that you wanted to in the beginning. I love you always, and ask you for your forgiveness and your love once again. (1 Comment |Comment on this)