new poem   
10:32pm 29/08/2005
mood: cynical
music: Strawberry Gashes - JOJ
Gah, it's been so long. I have an old poem that I rewrote.

The Violin, The Fiddle

I feel someone there
Looking out for me
Even when trouble
May cease to be
When I am hurt
I’m left with no less
Than a single scar
Secrets to confess
My angel is sent
To carry me away
On powder-soft wings
Whenever I may stray
Yet deliverance suddenly seems
So wrong, so suddenly wicked
Like a tragic twist in a melody
And I, onstage and naked
I am a prop, a violin
A fiddle if you must
Played on three shows a night
Never left to pick up dust
The play, the life
Will it never end?
My strings will snap
My chords will bend
The universe will play
On me tonight
No matter the sound
Whether wrong or right
I was indeed forever
Well worn, well tuned
Silly violin, foolish fiddle
You are forever doomed

(Free Me)

half a song   
08:42pm 07/10/2004
mood: drunk
music: HIM

She said I'm tired as fuck
And I can't seem to keep this down
She's shit out of luck
Whores herself to stay in town
Sweet little virgin
Telling me her secrets
Her mouth is burnin
Cursed by all her old debts

I don't wanna
I don't wanna hear this
You don't wanna
Ever have to live this

Always screaming
Damaging for all to hear
Something's brewing
Whispering to stagnant fears

(1 rain drops to ease my pain | Free Me)

I wrote a poem! i'm excited!   
03:18pm 22/09/2004
mood: sick
music: Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Bang bang
Let's do this again
Right now I'm cowered
Why are you hunched?
My life, bleeding out of me
I see a look
I thought I'd never see
And I'll watch as the colors go
Black to grey
Red to fake
Please, not this way
I'll never say my goodbye's
You'll never learn how to cry
I'll remember that one
Special Saturday
I'll remember it once
Maybe twice today
Remembering a stare, a touch
Remember too God damn much
Forget the nasty things
You said to me
Forget all the words
To set you free
Forget to see, touch, feel
And to live
This hesitant cloud that passes
Pain from seperation
More than forced penetration
Someone whispering in my ear
Against my will, an annoyance
A whisper so cold and haunting
You should not have lived
Death Angel, a mock of seduction
You should not have lived

(1 rain drops to ease my pain | Free Me)

The wound that we share   
11:28pm 19/09/2004
mood: surprised
music: TV dig deeper in that wound. You should not have poked and prodded. The scab scratched open too many times. The blood that stained those sheets causing question, causing infection. It's contagious. That scar that everyone pointed out, the one that was not supposed to was meant to fate to yours I'll take the chance for quarantine. Wrongly subsided as such a wound must be left to be. To be. Something to be smoothed with one finger and caressed with a lip. Healing has to go about this way, they wont heal and I will never forget those nights that I could say I owned those scars. And you will lay on those clouds, looking down on these scars saying "I wonder if she knew", for in fact they owned me. I am lost to those clouds in which I stare ever after, for I will never own a piece of the mind you molded and destroyed. A toxin so strong but just enough to keep me from fatality. And when you smile down on me I'll look back up and say "Oh what a smile that breaks my heart in two." And I would lie there until you looked away, for a scar without you would be meaningless. I am a defect of a wound...

(Free Me)

12:28am 19/07/2004

I saw him arrive today
But all he did was walk away
I put my hand to the glass
But all he did was pass
I'm forced to look away
My reflection makes it impossible to stay
But I'm frozen where I stand
The taste of blood gets bland
The effect of shattering that pane
They all ask if I'm insane
He's not there, he's gone
And I defy each dawn
I saw him again today
But he wasn't there anyway

(Free Me)

12:24pm 16/07/2004
mood: lonely
music: Rain

Don't grin if you are mad.
Don't fake a smile when you are sad.
Don't laugh when you have to cry.
Don't pretend you don't see me as you pass right by.
Don't whisper if you need to shout.
Don't lie, you'll always be found out.
Don't hold grudges, forgive and forget.
Don't ever say that you wish we never met.
Don't send me flowers if you don't care.
Don't go and tell your friends things not meant to be shared.
Don't tell me I'm special if I'm not.
Don't make plans with me, break them, and say baby I forgot.
Don't ever call me by other girls names.
Don't cheat on me, quit playing your games.
Don't use me, abuse me, or play me for a fool.
Don't think I'm easy, I'm not your tool.
Don't get with my friends, you know what I mean.
Don't sleep around on me and swear you're still clean.
Don't call me names like bitch, whore, or slut.
Don't act like you're into me only when doors are shut.
Don't stay with me only out of pity.
Don't think I can't find another who won't treat me as shitty.
Don't mess with my head, make me feel to you I belong.
Don't toy with my heart as you string me along.
Don't promise me forever if it's not meant to be.
Don't say that it ain't working out, or blame the problem on me.
Don't say you'll call me when you know you won't.
Don't say you love me when you really don't

I don't know who wrote that one, but I found it elsewhere. Interesting.

(Free Me)

my heart hurts   
12:05am 08/07/2004
mood: depressed
music: TV
Forced Desperation

I breathe in, breathe out
So desperately
As your stare gets more dank
So blank
Not reaching out, reaching in
So desperately
Acting so selfish
So boarish
I'll look at you, look away
So desperately
Please answer me
So off key
You'll walk to me, walk away
So desperately
Don't be a coward
So devoured
I'll let you in, spit you out
So desperately
I could never stay
So gray
You'll take it in, put me out
So desperately
Never wishing to feel regret
So upset

(Free Me)

glue sucks   
03:15pm 24/06/2004
mood: depressed
music: To The World
Stuck On You

Look into my eyes
Spill to me your routine
So beautiful your lips
Press them ever deeper
Caress my skin
Like a delicacy
Something you mistake
To be made of fragility
Treading lightly
On stronger ground
Kiss and tell
Flash your deviance
So much sin in a smile
And no matter the pain
It cures another hole
It fills them in with the wrong substance
But leaves me everything but empty
True, this vile love is
No good for this heart
But glues it together for now
And no matter the deprivation
Of sight, of touch, of words
I'll let it be so
I'll wait by this phone
I'll hope that your dreams
Are filled with my eyes
I'll hope that your words
Are filled with my lips
And I'll hope that when
You no longer have a need
For a creature like me
You'll leave me without addiction
Or spare me a bottle of glue

(Free Me)

well lemme see...   
01:39pm 24/06/2004
mood: aggravated
music: Video Games
I've been told that July 8th at midnight is going to be my time. And there are so many signs leading up to it too! I'm excited...but also so very scared. I'm skeptical about the whole thing of course, but what about my nightmares? Is it just coincidence that they point out the same exact thing?
He tells me that he's leaving soon. It scares me. There's something new to him, and now he's fading. It's as if he's not supposed to feel this way. These are no ordinary nightmares! I don't get it! I want to dream so badly but...but...I don't want him to go away! He may torture me, kill me every night and I still wish that he would stay! Is July 8th really my night? Will all of this end? Will I finally be free...or will it hurt me more?

I would ignore the whole circumstance...but who in their right mind would give up the chance to dream again?

(Free Me)

a great poem from a great person   
06:10pm 23/06/2004
mood: crushed
music: Yu-Ghi-Oh game
Your Own Strange Eyes

Look into your own eyes...
Check into yourself.
Look into your own world...
Look without the help
Of people who try to change you...
Of people who try to hurt you.
The people that...try to make you.
Something you're not...
Something un-new.
Look into your own past...
Create the history
Of things you've done and things you're gonna do...
Of things you love and things you'll breakthrough.
The things that fit...
The descriptions of you
Are the things you need
To stand out in this zoo.
Look into......your mirror of lies.....
Look deep into.......
Your own strange eyes.

--Jeffrey Nero Hardy

(Free Me)

The Experiment   
11:26pm 13/06/2004
mood: nervous
music: The Sunday Night Sex Show!
...I'm contemplating her future.
I don't know if she's able to handle the life I've given her. She's been dragged way too many times, her soul is way too worn. You can see through her, there are so many holes. Her burdens of present would be nothing if she had led a normal life. She needs to be kept dormant for a little more time. Her sleep, which will no more ease her pain than her living amongst everyone else - will do no more than relax her body. It may be a start, we can seperate her from her current world. We can leave her past behind her, erase her memory (which would only cause her pain were we not to do so) and give her a new life. One of a healthy family, a better choice in friendship where she doesn't get too close to them and an area that does not inspire her. It seems her inspirations are the things that open her mind. They make her realize the truth behind each shadow. This is healthy for no person, escpecially the young of heart.
Her heart is a different story. It hangs on a needle-thin thread, holding on for the spite of it. No need to stop and stare. Just a glance and you will see the wear, the stains and the emptiness. Each deformation tells a story of hurt, of love and of pride. It beats at a slow pace, with no rhythm at all. It is truly the most tortured part of her, apart from her mind, which we will leave for another time. No, the mind holds no power here. Her heart is her entire being. She holds on without knowing why, just as planned. We live to make her die inside...

(Free Me)

10:01pm 12/06/2004
mood: tired
music: Paycheck

A cywydd llosgyrnog; I'm one.
"A what?" Well, quite. There'd be no fun
In being understood; I
Thrive upon obliquity.
Don't comprehend or follow me,
For mystery's my ally.
What Poetry Form Are You?

Thus, the Mystery Vixen :-)

How to make a mysteryvixen

3 parts anger

1 part silliness

3 parts joy
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Top it off with a sprinkle of sadness and enjoy!


Personality cocktail

Sadness is a state of mind...and obviously a state of me.

More to myself then to anyone else
I wonder what tomorrow holds
What it holds for us all
So much layed on fates shoulders
And all i am, and all i'll be
Is there, to see, to hear
To smile again

(Free Me)

working myself to a new level   
04:23pm 09/06/2004
mood: hot
music: The Grapes of Wrath
...I work because that's all I know anymore. My world is full of doubt because I don't know how to trust anymore. My relationships are based on business-like actions and you're crossing my barrier. Back off creature of love. I can't look at you or else I'll lose my fragile composure. Yes, I'm worked to the bone, my body craves this physical pain, this torture on my brain. Now, do your sit-ups and look over your geometry. Don't stop, you can't be weak. Don't pick up that phone, you WONT be weak. Try harder and don't faint, you CAN'T be her. She's too sweet, too fun...way too pretty. You have to be this - this machine. Keep your composure, don't crack that grin and no more makeup! Don't smile at him, don't dial that number. When he calls on you, you need to tell him goodbye. Stick your heart in the freezer and bite your tongue. Don't speak against your masters, you are slave to the authority. Be silent, be smart, be witty, be everything! Be normal, you pathetic little girl...

(Free Me)

07:16pm 07/06/2004
  Snow Sprite
Unique, mystical, insightful and beautiful
You are a Snow sprite. Mysterious, and alluring you
naturally attract people to you, your like a
people magnet even though you most often wish
to be alone. Your love for cold climates and
snow has given you an insight into the beauty
few see. While most see bland white you see a
forest or blanket of sparkling white beauty. To
you life is something precious and you intend
to figure out its mysteries. You are very
mature and don't waste your intelligence on
childish games or people not worth your time
which can make you seem arrogant at times but
you are really just intent on saving your time
for better things. Your soul is very beautiful
if not a little shut up, you keep your emotions
hidden from everyone and therefore they don't
know what your capable of. You are a living

.::=What type of mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla
The Guardian
Adventure, thrill seeking, loyal, with high goals
for themselves, and equally high standards for
society. They protect what they stand for, and
those that cannot stand up for themselves.

A unique perspective on one's inner self: who are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Free Me)

To You   
03:47pm 03/06/2004
mood: exhausted
music: My Immortal
I finally wrote another poem
Within five minutes mind you
Ignore its shittiness

To You

Taste me then waste me
Isn't that why I'm here?
Deprive me of my talents
Of every inspiration
A dedication to the details
As if to stop time
The illusion of a moment
In a blink of an eye
You fail yourself and this life
Your everything was for nothing
Written in ink, unburnable
An eraser rubbed down to nothing
Everything still for nothing
Even more time has passed
Now who is to blame, more dwelling
To you, a waste, an embarrasment
Stripped of your ability
Like me, the trash, so ashamed
A dream of another life
To yearn, something to believe in
A waste of time to breathe
A dissapointment to wake
To you, unashamed

(Free Me)

10:45pm 27/05/2004
  Sugar lows after happiness
Good days that go so bad
Something else to tear me down
Feeling all but mostly clad


Waiting for a phone call that will never come.
Waiting to hear a voice that's too long gone.
Waiting for the moment when I get to smile.
Waiting to see you so I know it's worthwhile.

(Free Me)

yay for poemness!   
09:15pm 17/05/2004
mood: asphyxiated
music: someone mowing the lawn - AT 9 O CLOCK AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!

I am serenity
Calm down love
I'm here to rescue you
To love and to care
To ease and to please
A servant I am
To you, to all
On hands and knees
I'll swallow your fears
I'll feed you the toxin
Candy-coated, so sweet
I'll meet you there love
In heaven or in hell
I'll show you your rest
Your death
Signed Serenity

(Free Me)

spur of the moment   
05:06pm 14/05/2004
mood: dirty

I drift off to sleep
With rain beating glass
A lull an unbroken promise
After working so hard of such a mass
I fall asleep
Warm and so alone
Reaching to nothing
It goes straight to my bones

I hug my pillow
I wish you were near
I hug my pillow
I wish you were here

Kissing my eyelids
Faining to leave
Tangling my hair in your fingers
Stealing a kiss as your chest does heave
Fall away as I'm startled awake
A phone ringing loudly
A torment of dreams
Yet I was sleeping so soundly
I pick up and receive
I answer 'hello?'
You speak of your nightmares
I answer, 'I know'

(Free Me)

another translation   
03:47pm 04/05/2004
mood: aggravated
music: Somebody
This is the translation to Ein fool's Kuß:

A Fool's Kiss

I have the kiss of death
Kiss me once and never twice
Regard me and sacrifice you
Perhaps never after first sight
A view so friendly
A view so deadly
Speak with me the distribution
A kiss so soft
A defeating kiss
A kiss with such an effect
The designation, which knocks you off your feet
A literal effect
But not a pleasure
I'll poison it my love
For this poison is in itself
A poisoned love is love period
A curse to me more than to you
Do not come close to me, you'll burn
I am this love
Here sent, in ordere to give you hell
I'll pull it all inside
They become all case for this spell
Come play with me fools
Hold this slave company

U is for Una who slipped down a drain

(Free Me)

09:34pm 03/05/2004
mood: mischievous
My Greek Poem:
Love Eternal

I will take this blade of razors
Run the razor beyond your stomach
I see the blood pouring under the sides
Consume the rest
I will not leave a fall
A respect of flesh will ensure this
I swim in you my love
This red water that is so warm
I will go under and will drown in you
Open my eyes and become you
Wrap my arms around you and are
You I love in and outside
No pain exists in this love
I will speak to your cold body for the hours
Until I realize that you are not really there
You will be placed in the storage with the others until I need you again
A decomposed doll that was gentleman for so much time
I can take you outside and dance with you one hot day
The smell will bring the eyes undesirable
I do not want you to leave
I don't want you to be far away
Where I will never find you
Where I cannot follow
Deep into the earth
Where I will never see your grave
The engraved rock that says
Here lies my lover
Even if he was dead
He was always there for me

(Free Me)