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this song reminds me of my teenage years. [04 Apr 2003|09:46pm] [ mood | spun spun and more spun ] [ music | Blink-182 - Adam's Song ] I never thought I'd die alone I laughed the loudest who'd have known? I trace the cord back to the wall No wonder it was never plugged in at all I took my time, I hurried up The choice was mine I didn't think enough I'm too depressed to go on You'll be sorry when I'm gone I never conquered, rarely came 16 just held such better days Days when I still felt alive We couldn't wait to get outside The world was wide, too late to try The tour was over I'd survived I couldn't wait till I got home To pass the time in my room alone I never thought I'd die alone Another six months I'll be unknown Give all my things to all my friends You'll never step foot in my room again You'll close it off, board it up Remember the time that I spilled the cup Of apple juice in the hall Please tell mom this is not her fault I never conquered, rarely came But tomorrow holds such better days Days when I can still feel alive When I can't wait to get outside The world is wide, the time goes by The tour is over, I've survived I can't wait till I get home To pass the time in my room alone a great song.... by an even greater band. post comment

[04 Apr 2003|05:23pm] -testing pic- post comment

So Used - Unfaithful [04 Apr 2003|04:34pm] [ mood | Enigmatic ] [ music | Vertical Horizon - You're A God ] I've got to be honest I think you know We're covered in lies and that's OK There's somewhere beyond this I know But I hope I can find the words to say Never again no No never again 'Cause you're a god And I am not And I just thought That you would know You're a god And I am not And I just thought I'd let you go But I've been unable To put you down I'm still learning things I ought to know by now It's under the table so I need something more to show somehow Never again no No never again 'Cause you're a god And I am not And I just thought That you would know You're a god And I am not And I just thought I'd let you go I've got to be honest I think you know We're covered in lies and that's OK There's somewhere beyond this I know But I hope I can find the words to say Never again no No never again 'Cause you're a god And I am not And I just thought That you would know You're a god And I am not And I just thought I'd let you go .. this song is awsome.... .. used to be a favirote of mine, i'm just learning it again he's everything you want he's everything you need he's everything inside of you that you wished you could be he says all the right things at exactally the right time but he means nothing to you and you don't know why post comment

special [02 Apr 2003|09:35pm] [ mood | down ] all this time we've been apart suddenly that changed during our first heart to heart i had no idea it could go this far but now i glisten under your star traveling to you under the sky above unlock my heart and color me in love post comment

let me help you tie the rope around your neck [21 Mar 2003|08:59pm] [ mood | over sedated ] [ music | my creaking chair ] right to a T you've ended with this clawing with force beating with fists calm before the storm take heed no more find yourself distorted nailed to the floor red beside my head this blood only flows slowly pass my eyes dripping from my nose restoration in up-roar no one helps the chief people begin to die I never give relief heart pumping plastic surrounded and unreal flowing through darkness never stop to heal eyes now roll back the sockets are dry nothing left but blood my willingness to cry post comment

I'm Fucked Up And I Don't Care [21 Mar 2003|03:33am] I understand these thoughts yet I'll never comply 'cuz who knows when these images will begin to multiply slowly turning into distorted horrors that no one will see I just want all the good people in life to try and get to know me I'd share my pain with anyone that wanted me to help and then I'd turn my back on anyone who'll only do it by themselves it doesn't take a big person to admit you need someone close to help you ward off any of your most unwanted foes one time too many and you'll never be able to recover keeping your fears inside and always keeping them smothered floating in dreams that you know will never come true pain follows happiness, just wait until it decides to come near you you'll find yourself overwhelmed with disgust and you'll wish you'd have taken the help instead of telling everyone who offered, that you can handle it all by yourself realizing that you need help, is the best thing you could do 'cuz believing that you've got it handled would certainly be the death of you you don't even have a grip on yourself how do you expect to excel or do you just sit around waiting for the next time your life seems de-railed your unrealistic outlooks, makes you perfect prey for people like me we'll eat you up and spit you out and I bet you still wouldn't see this fucking shit has got to stop what you're afraid to imagine, I've done a lot and so the edges of my world crumble well after your grandchildren's will so what gives you the right to try make my influence halt to a stand-still where does my right seem to make you become involved. it still doesn't mean that these problems will be automatically resolved you think you've a solution, yet you can't even grasp situation and there's no way in hell I'm even thinking of excusing your retardation why can't you just chill out and quit acting so competent in the head 'cuz we all know everyone is smarter than you, even if they're half past dead it's your demon, and he's come out to play 'cuz here's yet another conclusion being kept out of the way I wonder if you even know what's being told to you face to face you're physically with us but your eyes are in a completely different place here comes the vehicle of the all mighty so just go kiss some ass you little hermaphrodite we all know who's ass hole your head gets shoved into your secret is no more, expendability is staring right into you there's no way to tell the extent of your extortion you can't even measure the total amount of distortion you've made a bed out of so many lies that you get caught and then you compromise by shoving your lips on the asses of those who made you in a pitiful attempt to try make your dreams come true post comment

And Smile At The Thought, Of Me Failing [20 Mar 2003|05:31pm] [ mood | Incredibly Spun ] [ music | I Liked Having Hurt - Much Like Suffocating ] I never thought these days would return to me... the days when I'm nothing but high and I'm anything I want myself to be I can be your everything, and I can be nothing at all I can climb the highest mountain, and I can take the biggest fall I can see the farthest sickness from many miles away I can sense all the fear and know when you don't have anything to say I'm living on an "S" curve, only I'm not slowing down I'm waiting for an accident and watching everyone fuck around back stabbing, hand clapping, teeth snapping and more than two faced I'm emptying my hate on people that deserve to be permanently erased I'm done playing the role of everyone's little runner boy playing with my feelings like some kind of over-rated toy spaced out and on edge, it's so hard to be your scar I've never shined so bright now that I understand who and what you are I passed the sign almost 40 miles back headstrong in the wind and now I'm lookin' to attack don't fuck with what you can't destroy hitting you harder than Mack trucks in a 5 mile convoy you best be ready, 'cuz these lines are showing through their cocked and ready and holding all eyes on you while we play William Tell, you become afraid I'm only playing into my image you've secretly portrayed my wish list gets smaller, as all these faces turn black and blue all your faces are swollen from the countless times I've hit you you've picked a fight, and I'm not letting you think that you've lost when you think you've won, that's when I unleash the holocaust I'm taking names and kicking ass with extreme prejudice and I know full well you're hating coming face to face with this we learn that you're all talk and lacking big in the game but no matter what anyone does I know you'll always stay the same learning from your mistakes, is something that you'll never be able to do so I'll just keep quiet, until I'm ready to hand my fists to you you think you're big enough to handle me yet you don't know where I hide just as soon as you look away, I'm pouncing on you from somewhere on the other side so just keep your fucking mouth running and I'll do the rest 'cuz it's people just like you that keep me in the lead of this contest you feed me fuel for the fire to keep burning and it'll never go out just keep talking shit about things you don't want to know anything about 'cuz one day, when the sun is shining and you decide to step outside that's when your face, and my two fucking fists have a date to collide you don't have a prayer, though every night you find yourself down your knees praying for a way out of this silent but ever so deadly disease always looking for an easy way out after starting shit you know you can't control not even realizing that all you're doing, is digging yourself a 6' fucking hole 'cuz this is my gun, and this is my finger I gently squeeze, while I know your fear has to linger but don't worry I won't shoot you, I'm just going to scare you to death killing your rumors, yet keeping your influence fresh I'm all out of time, stuck on the things that you've never thought to know I'm thinking of the pleasure that I'll get, from killing your ego nice and slow. post comment

And Smile At The Thought, Of Me Failing [10 Mar 2003|03:43pm] [ mood | i'm just too meth'd out. ] you're not the only one to notice how the leaves fall from the sky there are so many other people that always ask, but never know why it's just another tragic case of a premptive consolodation despite ridicule and continous over-compensation i've never seen this side of you and it's not over yet all this time you just couldn't remember how to forget so i'll be the cat, and you can make me purr 'cuz there's no way i can stop these feelings you stir i don't know how you can read me open and shut you see right through even the best of my best strut my blood runs cold and i couldn't feel any lower you intimidate me and cut me like a riding lawn mower and yet you don't even try and this is where it hurts i wade through contradiction and countless, hopeless flirts and you're standing last in line 'cuz i'm getting what i want this time there's always been someone telling me no giving me directions, and telling me how i should go but this time i am one, and i am alone yet my fear reeks like cheaply made cologne and you know i'm coming when i'm not even close why do i only feel sedated when you say i'm over-dosed i'll never know why these floods haunt my dreams it's like everything is keeping me from you by whatever means and so this time i know that once i'm inside you i have found my eternal place to shine through i'm a ray of sunshine, and a pinch of hope i'm an uphill battle followed by a downhill slope i curve my emotions to tangle with your needs i'll never be through planting all of these seeds. this is just another tragic case of a mis-understood feeling but it doesn't bother you, my heart will never stop healing i'm so bruised and broken, my weary bones grow thin they cling to my insides, and then poke through the skin how can i be reborn when i've lost everything i am i don't even cry i know my heart's in for yet another slam we know when to take your plate away when to let you starve and when to make you stay we know when your coming, and what you have in mind so when that day comes you better just get in fucking line 'cuz you're not the only one, who feels like they'll never have a chance never feel what your seeking, and never even seen a flirty glance so now i feel dirty, and confined to unmeasurable sorrow for i know, it'll just always start all over, tomorrow post comment

my love completes my tragedy [10 Mar 2003|12:12am] [ mood | Edgy ] [ music | Fucked up and spun out in my room ] I see the way you notice me though you try hard not to show sooner or later I'll get you but as for now you'll never know I keep eyeing you from time to time I see you see me from the corner of your eye your flirtation is received with open arms but you give up, every time you try I wish your talents were held for display maybe then you'd see your perfection never goes gray and so my position I strongly hold until you see through your shyness and then for see the day you shower me in kindness I can't stand to sit back and wait but I know it'll do you good the longer I wait for your love the more you'll know where you stood because fate has already won you're already scorched in my heart we're already madly in love and that'll never be torn apart I love the color of your hair when you wear it behind your ear and I love the way you state the places you'll go from here yet I'm always taken back by the way you wear your faith like diamonds melting on moon light the anticipation of your taste sickened by the wait but I know whats at the end it's well worth my sacrifice soon you'll wearily send my senses grow evenly keen for I know your question already so my heart races as I wait and I stand firm, and steady we know where this will go and we want to go there soon so don't hesitate to tell me I'm ready for this to bloom I know your life seems torn, and incomplete but give me just one chance and my foundation will be concrete know I'll never falter in this relationship with you know that I'll never leave without taking you too these dreams are double sided and could never be more real so please take this seriously as I cautiously help you to feel I know that there is sorrow in this life you lead so channel your sorrow through me and I'll help you be freed I'll go get a mirror so you can see your eyes are pearl the light will surly be bright as our love is now unfurled as passion fills our bed and your worries are wiped clean your eyes are made of lust and now they want to be seen so now my heart is yours as we walk hand in hand I knew this was forever before you knew where to stand I now think this through and I sit back and smile for I know you're my true love and it was worth, all the while post comment

think this through.... [09 Mar 2003|11:02pm] [ mood | Godly ] [ music | The Ringing In My Head ] i hope to never take for granted the way you treat me like i'm real i hope i never see right through the things you're ache'n to feel though i know things could never change i still wonder what would happen if they would living my life with you by my side doing everything i always knew i could with you, my life feels so complete everywhere i go, you're voice is all i hear just when you think you've got it all something else turns your feelings to fear and just when you think you couldn't go any lower somehow someone shows up to show you the way the lend a hand and help you through it as you righfully listen to everything they say when your light begins to flicker out who do you call on to give you advice to gently push you forward and get you through this part of life i never thought that someone would be you but you've shown me wisdom i've never known as lonely as i can seem as long as you're here, i know i'm not alone if my feelings, are pressing against your skin then let me know when to back away sometimes i can't control my heart but who should tame it, anyway? the gate-keeper of all has just walked through the door he's the epitome of justice yet we let him beat us some more no one seems to notice how controlled he seems to be though every time i seem to release the same feeling settles back to me the same face appears in my dreams i feel the same happiness when you are near there could never be another you and for that, i'll cry you countless tears no one can replace your sense of style never tame your heart it's made to be wild you'll never know what lies ahead but don't leave your guard down so anything can come in and turn your smile to a frown dont' you hate how feelings can mix terrified of your fate if this gets in the wrong hands it would already be too late the first step is knowing the second step is accepting the third step is willingness and the fourth is concepting your turn around is now so close there's no more harm this far your true self is almost done soon you'll know who you are i think you already know too much so i'll leave you with this my love feels like a rag thast covered in piss though it's love that shouldn't be it's love none-the-less and because of my confliction i'll quietly clean up my mess post comment

[20 Feb 2003|09:55pm] how many times has my life turned completely around how many countless times have i simply turned you down for so long i kept your painful hold shoved down inside i can't watch as my sobriety and my incoherance collide oh how i'd love to just give in (but you can't even see it) i can't even reach out to you i'm so caked with sin (you can't see what you fear) just snip at my emotions as you would a busted vein you tell me to let it all go, and so i reluctantly sustain but you couldn't even begin to know what form this takes so you tie me down and you won't stop beating me with my mistakes i am your scapegoat punching bag of isolation i see the front lines of your pitiful confrontation you couldn't possibly know what you've already done it's getting so much worse, you don't even know where it's coming from but if you can compromise freedom you could then hold the key that would unlock what everyone's eyes would suddenly see post comment

I'm Sorry My Halo Was A Needle Hole [20 Feb 2003|05:53am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Brain Stew - Green Day ] there is hope here, i can feel it i sense it inside you and all around you a bit confront your fear and the rest will follow i suggest you crawl away, fear is much too hollow this is trust and the color of rust we hide behind the sense of ourselves without any reguard to anyone else so what do you do when the pain is too much to bear you stuff it in a box until you forget that you put it there the taste of your saltine lips move me to my soft finger-tips i know that you think they care too much but there's too much power every time we touch i'm blown away by the quickness of my mood and i know it changed not a moment too soon you're all that can save me from my fear and anymore, i can't even remember how i got here so tell me this works the next time you're around 'cuz when you're near me you won't ever see me down my pornographic image displays before your eyes the vivid color reveals a humoungous suprise you hold my heart in the palm of your hand flying across my dreams as you flick it with a rubber band i'm weightless, and i'm falling i'm begging, and i'm crawling i fear you've already turned the other way if you can't see, what am i supposed to say -- and now work calls, i shall continue this later. post comment

[20 Feb 2003|05:33am] the damn telephone keeps ringing and because it keeps ringing she knows it's me and because it keeps ringing I know it's her I never thought the day would come when we said hello but because I never picked up the phone you'll never know besides, who needs to know that my love for you will never stop and who needs to know that you're the only true love I've ever known who needs to know the beauty you fill my heart with who needs to know the happiness you generate who needs to know about your explosive charm that could cut down anything that stood in it's way who needs to know who needs to know about your secret life behind the lines who needs to know that you dream of sin yet live the life of innocence who needs to know about your two-faced personality who's two faces are both beautiful who needs to know the way your voice always seems to carry itself to my ears not to mention the way your crimson lips blend in with my day dream wishes who needs to know about the love that is shared between you and I who really cares about the kiss you gave me, that keeps me awake at night who is looking forward to the untold stories that you and I shall someday share who else needs to know about the never ending lives that have now combined themselves to make one whole, honest soul of purity who seems to notice the importance of your precious face as it walks down the hallways of unfamiliar territory if you're worried about what other people think ask yourself who needs to know and who wants to care who else see's in you what I see you? who else thinks it's important to see your face as soon as they open their eyes who else thinks it's necessary to slide their arms around you and hold you until you fall fast asleep who else takes the time to snuggle close to you and listen as you breathe .. if no one else really cares, then why worry about what they think I'm the one that kiss's your forehead so soft every night before you fall asleep and I'm the one who brushes his hand across your stomach every morning you wake I'm the one that promises his unconditional love through and through I'm the one who holds your hand and stands behind you when things aren't going your way I'm the one who can't live without you and my heart is the heart you fill with joy each time I glance your way so what exactly does everyone else think? I bet they haven't even noticed the way I smile at you or the way I wink my eye when I catch you looking my way the sweet sweet silence of other peoples thoughts keep your paranoia locked away the smell of failure is blocking your decision yet success drives you through I see past the person inside you and here I stand, waiting for your beckon call and my heart beats one way and it keeps searching for your signal yet your drowning in the thoughts of other people when their thoughts have nothing to do with the way we feel why am I forced to suffer because you can't see the way it is I wish I could open your eyes but I'm unsure how except to just tell you how it is I look up and heaven smiles above me and still, no one knows, and your worries are filling the air living your life around other people's thoughts has to be miserable succumbing to contradictions you don't even know exsist your paranoid and out of line my love stands before you like a wall made of steel yet you still find it hard to reach out and feel you long for what I have, yet your too worried to take it I'm so frustrated anymore I almost just hate it my temper is deadened by the beauty your heart holds yet I can't seem to make you see our love now un-folds I can't lie to you anymore you know what I'm here for and you know you want what I'm destined to give you're hindering the happiness your life wants to live only two people know how I feel about you and only two people know what you should do they are you and me and that's who matters the most don't worry about the lifeless people, treat them as ghosts tell yourself no one really cares except you and I don't be so afraid, for me, just give it a try I'm begging I'm pleading, I can't walk away from you I ask this of you for the sake of -our- forever just don't roll your eyes and then scream out whatever take me seriously because I can't joke about something so real just look in my eyes the next time you think you can't feel you can't live by the saying "no news is good news" now my love feels like glass under feet with no shoes ---- - I will continue later - ----- post comment

[09 Feb 2003|10:34am] I force feed confidence just to offer you my help withering up conclusions and compromising yourself sixteen hammers and sixteen nails but only one holds your name lift you up and tear you down everyday is always the same so unreal with just one touch it's like I just hit a brick wall too caught up in the moment to pay attention to the fall my imagination runs ramp id my body fights to keep pace until everything goes numb and bloods drips down my face my knees fall weak and my eyes slowly close my fingers now fall lose and now completely froze my lungs ache of black and my liver follows suit gripping for illusion somehow my body can't compute these waves are like towers tearing down all I have I despise the day you return I struggle to stay alive nothing is no more yet everyone fails to see I am what I am and that'll never be me but before all the pain and before all the lies the gods all agree your death is on the rise the only ones who care are the only ones who hate we can't love who we're not and too restless to wait all that is here can now start to dry rebuild somewhere else giving yet another try if I could only speak oh the things I would say but you can not hear you can only throw away a mental fatigue and a corruption crew two guns of steel pointed straight at you my bloodstained faith couldn't stop bullets both bodies fall damage to it's fullest the scene is a mess fingers point non-stop they're fresh out of leads this time no one gets caught I hate what is becoming everything you have learned your mind is being raped yet you don't seem concerned I could never hear what they always say they'll always be there just getting in the way they lack in knowledge what we lack in speed but why waste the time on something you can't feed the future is now and I am tomorrow your freedom awaits and to it, you shall follow I envy what you'll never be and I have everything you are it doesn't matter how you feel only as close as you are far I want to grow up just like you a slob on the face of society contorting the innocent to fulfill your sobriety don't cry over things that aren't real just continue your sin for it leads to salvation and then we shall begin I sense you are scared yet you're the kind of readiness strength must not be remembered straight ahead no time to reminisce if god is on your side why are so full of fear does your doubt take control and you can no longer steer truth proceeds fright so don't even take the time we all lose sometime and you're next in line there's not much left to believe all your love fades away you're left with these solutions your hate is on display post comment

i missed writing. [28 Jan 2003|02:27pm] [ mood | Downloaded ] [ music | George Straight - I Can Still Make Cheyenne ] i still find myself looking forward to the day i get to look in your eyes i try to remember what it's like to feel but i'm blocked by everything i despise my apologizes hold little promise now and i know how everything's turned upside-down if i hurry i can still get you out of the back of my mind but i know i'll still see your face in anything i'd happen to find everytime someone speaks, i can still hear your voice your image teases me, as if i ever had any kind of choice my bleak outlook still makes you flinch i beg for forgiveness but you don't move an inch i wish i could rewind this fast forward mood but anymore i just give up way too soon i look to the stars and continue living without hope as much as it is painful, it's the only way i can cope your loss has been hard on us all the hospital clerk says your room is just down the hall as i make my way to your side of the bed i couldn't say goodbye, you were already dead these tears fall from my eyes your life never did hold room for goodbyes post comment

[28 Jan 2003|02:08pm] This is my first post here. i hope this journal is good, i'm looking forward to using one again. post comment

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