‡ħę ¤ ®ėvẽ®ĕŋđ ¤ Åŋ†ị©ħ®ı§† ¤ §ųpẻ®§†ẫ®'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] ‡ħę ¤ ®ėvẽ®ĕŋđ ¤ Åŋ†ị©ħ®ı§† ¤ §ųpẻ®§†ẫ® [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[18 Apr 2004|07:19pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | fuck what i said, it don't mean shit now... ] the sermon is over and so now I wait for someone to pass me that money hungry plate as they hand it to me, I grab it and hold it to my mouth I spit on the plate and everyone gasps and they throw me out was it simply because I refuse to pay or because they were looking to rid me of them anyway I earn my wages so god should earn my faith instead he expects all my good will to go to waste I could never find solice if it's realism it's questioned I don't worship Satan and that was never my intention but with a mind as closed as yours I'm surprised you can get out of bed 'cuz you sure as hell can't grasp ahold of the thoughts I have in my head you can't even relate to me we're on two completely different pages common sense left you at the start, I'm top - you're bottom and all different ranges somewhere in between lies what I'm trying to express as you walk into a wooden booth so you can eagerly confess who makes a sin, a sin how can a thought, be so utterly thin realizing that there is no right a wrong has to be first on your list otherwise when you find yourself doing wrong you'll always end up pissed pissed off people rarely learn from a "wrong" that they commit to you my absence of faith comes as a complete direct hit I see the disgust on your face how can I be part of the human race reality scares you and it's something you can not handle one hand holds freedom, the other a slowly melting candle but the light switch is inches from your hand yet you find it impossible to just fucking take a stand fear has got you by a rope and is dragging you around untie the knot - open your eyes - and don't make a sound you don't have to yell, you don't have to fight but use your eyes for something more than just mere sight compile a list and I'll let you take your trophy home don't you hate having a house full of people, yet still feeling alone how does it feel to be part of yesterdays news to someone who doesn't merit half of their incoherent views a major role played by a major ass hole picking through highlights of all the feelings he's stole yet I can't hardly steal a moment because you're wrapped up with fear I'm trying to scratch through, and I'm showering you with my tears there's someway to get through to you and I'll die trying to find it no way I can give up so this love I'll continually submit a convoy of my feelings that ends in your heart you've beaten them all so far but you've yet to even start no matter what I say or do I can't convince you I can feel it, here comes the pain - I'll keep trying to shine through you'll find me crucified in the very center of your heart each time it beats it slowly tears my skin apart slowly making me part of you in a process that's far beyond perfection my faith lies in you and with that we are the ultimate correction there are many paths, it's like a maze that has no end yet still I find my way listening to the messages you send sometimes the nights are filled with storms and each bolt of lightening strikes a thought in my head in my heart I hold my own church and I don't manipulate any of the things that are ever said because my beliefs aren't set in stone they are open for corrections, additions, and they are not alone it goes up and up and it goes down and down it goes side to side and it circles around and around it's a consumption, a deposit for thoughts and opinions that differ yet carry no worm holes starting with corruption and hell for these aren't temptation they are simply unconsumed souls once I open my arms the after life will flock to the center that is me they will all be curious for they see a possibility for something to be and this will entertain you because entertainment drives your belief but I'm on you like stink on shit and my depression is your fearful thief I'm not a failure, I just fail at attempting to help those who refuse to help themselves there's no changing those who detest change so you can burn in hell by yourselves but in my world I will choose my own heaven and it will have no connection with the number seven there's no 666's and no 999's no contradictions and certainly no invisible lines no technicalities to hide behind, only opinions who some feel are truth those who have minds that hate being confined to a personal and faithless phone booth I am over grounded - I have over extended existence and I certainly know that my shit is not stink less my campaign is that of pain and yet you see that as bad but the pain is good and you don't understand and so that makes me glad because I have no room for people with a faith such as yours you wander in hallways that are filled with closed steel doors my light is replaced by the dark in that you'll see exactly how you'll fall apart I use my fist and I also use my mouth I use up my anger by completely beating it out "we're the lower gloomanti and we aim to depress the scabralet sac religions this is golden age of grotesque" I've got your lies in bag that isn't very small because you've officially been labeled the biggest Satan of all your religion is dead, and Jesus Christ is your pitiful noose your right handed useless and Satan is your sorry excuse "I got a f and a c and I got a k too and the only thing that's missing is a bitch like u" "this isn't music, and we're not a band we're 5 middle fingers on a mother fucking hand" so in myself my faith lies strong, true, and without complaint but uphold your fake impression and "hold the S 'cuz I am an ain't" you couldn't remember yesterday if the bible didn't tell you what happened I can see that the more you read it the more your mind becomes dampened I am your ghetto, I am who you want to be brutally destroyed but it's too late because now my corruption has been equally deployed I hold a rabbit in my top hat of doom and my monkey is merely a symbol of gloom run your empty rain down on me your scabbed knees are a sign of how this came to be my heart is not a playground for you to dirty with your trash tossing out issues and dive bombing like a Kamikaze bash until you can see like I do you will forever remain untrue 3 comments|post comment

[12 Apr 2004|07:33pm] goodbye... I suppose it's come down to this the day I opened the door and walked right out we're all puppets and candy controlled by those at the other end of the ropes and fake candy coated shells with rotten sour festering insides my world was lost in a deep crimson acid raindrop locked behind a bubble of see through control I gazed out the window as it took my breath away and in the time that followed I lost my sanity forever lost in tremors and acid flashbacks fuck me, all alone and all out of enemies I looked in the mirror to view this complete distortion sweat pouring from my face and my eyes as big as fancy dinner plates my mouth un-hinged and very rapid breath carefully placing foot-steps around my contorted dismay my bubble labeled sin and as treachery as my god as day fades to night sleep is the furthest thing from me I feel trapped, I feel used and unfaithful alone in the dark.. caught in one of those moments when you know you don't want to turn around.. but as my fear and curiosity take over, slowly I turn, and... .. hello, it's the beginning to my end I feel relieved, as if this could help but it's just another variation of my free roaming flashbacks you see, the Devil is Jesus Christ simply because acid told me so.. just like Jesus Christ is your savior simply because the bible told you so.. post comment

[12 Apr 2004|06:54pm] everything crumbles everything falls function stumbles timing stalls losing focus replacing numb completely weak wittingly dumb so alone pitch black neon emerald peeling back intravenous injection lonely pride pointing fingers.. (who).. openly hide sadly beaten so.. pitiful satanic Christ correctly political hurried up slowing down prisoner freedom secretly found oddly normal blistering heat suffering morals truthful treat without hope gaining scars paper demons grounded stars dying dead killing living forceful modesty seems fitting eyes open memory lost haunting past ultimate cost 3 comments|post comment

[11 Feb 2004|07:02pm] the ones that always say they'll be there are always the last one in line and the first to get out of line but I knew that you meant it my feelings are so mixed feels like water looks when it's boiling I'm so afraid something will erupt I just don't want my feelings to burst for the simple fear of what would come out I can not erase what I feel god knows I wish I could but I know that I never will the nights alone the time alone and all the things that never happened will be of service to keeping me strong I'm simply tired of feeling pain so I've accepted that I need to stop all the things that hurt don't worry the pain will fade so many things can't be said it seems without those, there's nothing to say god I don't want to do this and I'm sorry that it hurts I did nothing but dream about being yours I did nothing but dream about giving you everything I would dream, and dream, and dream.. then the whole thing became a dream. and like all dreams.... you wake up 3 comments|post comment

[03 Jan 2004|10:22pm] anyone in here ever do drugs? .. if so tell me if this makes sense.. yell my name play my game tell me the same make me crave become my slave take this cross divide your loss curl the hatchet and try to match it take the heart take it apart detach the string give me a fling and feel the sting distinguish the feeling focus on healing feel the bugs and what it does look straight ahead feel like your dead numb and crawling weightless and falling you can't hide it the taste of shit your eyes perk out giving view a shout focus on blur never to sure looking so fast can't catch grasp crawling fades eyes get hazed movement is eminent induced is the element feed the blood turn it to mud poke a hole your breath being stole speak with your hair dispose your stare you can't see I can't feel me you stand still all you kill through your eyes everything dies the rush can't be ignored the taste fore-warned the end of your sobriety never-ending society drug-abusive and able served on a golden table taken with a golden spoon weaved my golden cocoon a tidal wave of emotion a wake of devotion a current addiction a dedicated prescription I was never told what I'd un-fold never take it back when I've lost track your stomach shrinks your mind thinks your hair tingles your blood mingles and your throat feels it the warm commitment open your mouth the fire comes out fall to the floor get up, and do it some more post comment

[23 Nov 2003|03:52pm] your eyes are open but your mind is closed your ears turn def at the words i composed i've opened the door for you to step through i can see the other side of the person inside you but you deny the thoughts you think and you think it better to hide in what you drink but you can't deny the thoughts inside all i want is to feel alive 'cuz right now i feel to dead to live. post comment

[23 Nov 2003|03:45pm] once when i was three my daddy turned to look at me he told me that mommy loved me and that she never meant to leave all i could do is stare in disbelief he said he knew i didn't understand but that i would, when i became a man there wasn't an ounce of doubt when these words seeped through his mouth i was unaware of the present day time had lost track, in some weird way then, again when i was five daddy told me he didn't know how much longer he'd be alive everyone was falling away from me as i taste these metal nails of diversity i always wonder what could have been but as for now i can't even call you my friend i'm dead, and somehow i feel betrayed these are my feelings, all neatly displayed and so, when i was ten thats when daddy started drinking again he told me not to worry, and everything would be alright then one night, daddy had come home from a fight i caught a glimpse of his face, battered and bruised i can still feel his wind, as right by me, he cruised he made his way upstairs i heard things slamming, as he was throwing chairs for the first time he had a lack of anything to say i can still remember daddy's eyes when he told me to look the other way i suddenly heard a bang, and daddy fell to the floor i turned to look at him, he wasn't breathing anymore i didn't know what to do, so i panicked and ran an unexpected surprise, this wasn't written in the plan i had no idea what to do, so i crawled under a rock, and cried i started beating the ground but i didn't feel satisfied so i went back in the house, and up to his room i grabbed his gun, and i shot myself too.. .. 1 comment|post comment

[23 Nov 2003|03:44pm] i can not live i can not die my mind has been broken so why even try the days trickle by filled with sorrow, and regret i watch the clock in hopes i'll soon forget the night it began it all toppled over i soon found out this was my no leaf clover i ran through the trees trying to hide from your gloating eyes i see from the other side i fell to the floor i heard him coming i heard the laughter it was all too cunning he quickly surrounded me grabbing my neck in hopes to redeem me of what i see correct i yelled for help i did all i could but he held me down and hit me with wood i closed my eyes so i couldn't see i began to weaken as he watched me bleed he tied me up and started to shout cutting my stomach as everything spilled out they hit the ground and he hit his knees my eyes are sewn shut my god, this can't be is this the beginning or is it the end everything goes silent he's killed me again post comment

[23 Nov 2003|03:44pm] [04 Oct 2002|06:39pm] where were you when I took my first step when I picked my foot up and moved it any way I chose to direct why do I call you a mother this pain, is all I suffer you were never there for me this is something I have to get off my chest I don't know how, but I'll die with the rest my dying agony of the times, I think you've never been here, my heart can only shrink it can't fill of love for you my mind can't fill of thoughts of what you can do it isn't that easy to do this whats it like to feel nothing you piece of shit you gave birth to a life just to throw it away there were other options though you choose to go this way you didn't have to have me whats this worth to you have I hit home yet you won't read this, I know but what can you do with a one man show? you've betrayed me, and left me for dead I can't begin to describe the sorted thoughts of you in my head you could beg me please and I'd still pull the trigger you're a fucking disease I hope it made you feel bigger you never showed up one time too many, and now I'm stuck I want you to die not only soul, but deep down inside you don't have the right to walk this place so feel my dick right across your face I cut myself to think of your blood just to watch it all over me, taking control I'm soiled, and it's your fault it blows away from, I can't make it halt it disposes myself, inside out I take a breath, as I start to shout how can you be out of my life, when you were never in it you fucking opened your legs, now deal with the commitment you're a whore, and you're cheap you're why I'm torn, and why I feel weak do me a favor, ..mother beaming with zero guilt kill yourself, and let me see you do it. post comment

[23 Nov 2003|03:42pm] Fuck your blasphemy, and Fuck your grave Fuck your shape, and Fuck the minds which you enslave Fuck your glimpse, and Fuck your life Fuck your ways, and Fuck your knife Fuck my world, and Fuck you heart Fuck me to oblivion, and Fuck the world apart Fuck your love, and Fuck your noose Fuck your eyes, and Fuck what you turn loose Fuck your star, and Fuck your light Fuck your image, and Fuck your might Fuck you senseless, Fuck what you can Fuck your style, and Fuck where you stand Fuck your issues, and Fuck your flower Fuck this day, and Fuck how you devour Fuck your spark, and Fuck your flame Fuck your disguise, and Fuck your name Fuck your mask, and Fuck your disease Fuck your sense, and Fuck you please? Fuck your sin, and your suicide Fuck your stain, and Fuck the worlds you collide Fuck your infatuation, and Fuck your delusion Fuck your stupidity, and Fuck your confusion Fuck your gene, and Fuck 'till you come clean Fuck your vision, and Fuck what you've seen Fuck your touch, and Fuck your caress Fuck your thoughts, and Fuck your gentleness Fuck your screams, and Fuck your voice Fuck your demon, and Fuck your choice Fuck your pleasure, and Fuck your release Fuck your motivation, and Fuck your decease Fuck your case, and Fuck your demise Fuck your memories, and Fuck your lies Fuck your face, and Fuck your desolence Fuck your game, and Fuck your fucking sense.. .. Fuck you.. Fuck this.. .. Fuck it. post comment

[23 Nov 2003|03:41pm] could anyone believe in what I see can anyone see what I have inside of me I'm open, but I'm so far away from you all if you couldn't understand, why'd you let yourself fall if this was never our world love, needed to stay un-furled but you never kept it closed and I had to be there when you opposed why was it even me that had to do it I wish I was involved in the piece that was hit I watched it fly it flew away from me out of my hands and into your heart but I never mean to tear your life apart I never meant to make you come clean I never meant to make your face un-seen I never meant to make you cry all I wanted, was to make love fly but I don't, and I didn't but neither did you why do we do what we do how could we leave it all behind but I don't even want to feel confined I don't want what you have given me because I don't know what you have given me I have seen it but I call it shit it's foreign to me and it's nothing I can see therefor, that's all it can be a glimpse in some ones eye like the look they give, before they die that's what this was that's what this does it did what we made it do there is no more, of me and you it's ironic, but sad but my heart, I never had it bled, but it bled for you I can't find it but it died along the way but if it was for me it never would have stayed when I find it I won't know what to do because like always I'd just give it to you why is it mine I don't want it, to be mine it can't be mine if I don't accept it I lack silence and when it creeps the sound is over-bearing I'm alive, only when it sleeps red, could only be me but I can see, what it can see and I am, what I am to you I am, everything, and nothing you do I'm drinking this vodka for you and I'm still telling you that I love you or am I just telling myself? because you can do it by yourself I'm hearing it, to dampen my health to my ears, it brings joy, and wealth the sky goes cold, and winter turns stealth and blood is given, for the entire commonwealth how can I twist it to make it make sense the pictured home, with a white picket-fence this isn't what you expected but inside your mind, I slowly detected the sense of security, and the sense of love and the sense of someone, who seemed so far above the rest that was there but I was just left to compare I'm compared to my heart and I'm compared to tear you apart but this is me, and I'm comparable to no one I wish you could see me I wish you knew how I think because I can't explain, it just makes it shrink the level is low and the water doesn't flow it's dry, withered, and away but someone, begged it to stay only few, recognize it's beauty but it's not to stay in a place that's just to decay and a world that isn't here for me and to a hatred, that's all I can see and yet, I wish I was like you I wish I could be you and I wish I couldn't be me but I know that isn't the way it works but I don't want it to work that way I just want, what I want and I'll do, what I do and I'll sit, and never mean a thing to you but with all that I have.. I'm going to strive to mean nothing to you .. or to anyone the sharpness, of the way I felt blurred, the thoughts I have, to things I've dealt I'm blind.. and I knew I was blind, I said I was blind as I'm circling the parking lot in both my two feet and thinking in my mind a love like yours, I hope to never meet face to face, or ever again I can't go through what I've went through I'm down, to being a whiney bitch and it's on me like a seven year fucking itch and when I think about it piss's me off it makes me wonder how I could ever be so soft and how I could ever be so pure and stuck in a place, that was never so sure and thought I believed you were the cure but then I did, what I had to endure so I'm never turning back again I'm never going to be your stain your scar, or who you are be the one, or your shining star what you could do, could never go this far doubt everything you do, from stepping out of your car your dusted in poison, and lined with tar blackened to yourself and committed to us all the structure is gone, but you took the fall... but you took the fall, and you can't give it back you did something, that you can never re-stack you can't change it, but I wish I could I wish I could do something, that you think I should but I can't.... .. I wish, I could just turn you off post comment

[23 Nov 2003|03:25pm] there was this time.. where me and my cousin were really close.. you know that already though.. however... we had just gotten an 8-ball.. of crank.. that's 3 and a half grams... .. about 250 dollars worth.. 14 quarters.. or 7 of the half grams.. like I told you about.. in the last entry.. we had a spoon the the table.. this is at his house.. there were people all around.. my uncles girlfriend... Jesse another friend of mine.. Chris.. my cousin.. and my uncle.. Roger.. now.. Chris was dump'n into the bag.. and getting ready to put some stuff in the spoon.. he was using a knife... he dump'd in.. 'n I had a card in my hand.. like my insurance card.. and he said to put half of that in the spoon.. I put all of in there and quickly added the 17 units of water I had already drawn up.. his mouth fell open.. Chris said.. what the fuck are you doing.. Jesse said.. I wish I would have thought of that.. Kasey, Rogers girlfriend, just laughed.. so did Roger.. I added a cotton ball to the spoon.. .. Chris's mouth was still open.. I drew it up.. .. I rinsed the spoon and prepped it for chris's arm.. now.. this was a 35 shot.. it was quite a bit.. and this dope.. I helped to make.. it was called.. Shooters Dream Dope.. he didn't want to do that much.. but he lay'd out his arm.. I stuck the needle in... I registered.. .. now to register.. is to pull back on the plunger and register to see if you have blood or not.. to know if your in the vein.. 'cuz you have to do it directly into the blood stream.. if you miss.. it hurts.. like hell... there was blood... I pushed it in.. down down it went.. he coughed.. and sat down on the couch next to me. with a smile.. .. he lay his head on my shoulder.. while I prepped another shot.. for myself.. Jesse laughed... Roger.. quirked a brow.. I shoved Chris off of my shoulder.. he lay.. on the couch.. Chris is Roger's son.. Roger.. laughed.. Kasey.. looked at me.. I looked at Kasey.. I smiled.. I put a big pile in my spoon.. Kasey raised her eyebrows.. I added water.. Roger told me to put some back.. that was too much for me to handle.. Roger said.. he wouldn't even do that much himself.. and this coming from someone who just did a half gram of it.. I mixed it up.. I was still looking at Kasey.. I realized.. at that moment.. Kasey liked me.. .. really liked me.. Roger hated that.. .. but I didn't care.. I added a cotton ball.. Chris was still layed out... he was coughing.. Jesse.. was doing the same thing I was doing... he was mixing a shot.. I looked over at Jesse.. Jesse was looking at me... we'd done this so much.. mixed shots together.. he was thinking it.. and so was I.. we each knew this.. me and Jesse were very close.. he used to have a wegii board.. or however you spell it.. and it once told him.. that Coy Roger Kenny and Ronnie were all getting busted.. but that was before he knew me.. so once he met me.. Kenny.. he.. got close t'me.. and we were inseparable.. Jesse.. I don't talk to anymore.. I drew up the shot.. .. it was a lot.. Roger was shaking his head at me.. as he left the room.. .. nothing unusual.. Casey.. was smiling at me.. .. and she was looking at how much I had.. as I raised the needle into the light.. .. it was a lot.. about a 55 shot... I put some back... .. but I still.. wanted to die.. I had no life.. I had no right.. .. I had nothing.. but a needle.. with crank in it.. and clothes.. .. I was nothing.. I wanted to die.. Jesse told me once.. that he does each shot like it was the last he'd do... me and Jesse went to the kitchen.. because I was the 'doctor' I had to hit everybody.. 'cuz they couldn't do it.. rather.. Jesse could do it himself.. I was just a whole lot better at it.. I sat my needle down.. and I took Jesse's.. he lay'd out his arm.. I hit him... .. hit is a term used to poke them with needle.. I registered.. there was blood.. there was always blood.. I dreamt.. of blood.. I plunged the plunger.. he coughed.. and went to sit down.. as I prepped my needle.. I lay'd out my arm... I hit myself.. .. there was blood... I was taken away.. I thought to myself.. in just a second.. I'll be anything... .. I won't be nothing anymore.. .. I'll be whatever I want to be.. I closed my eyes.. and injected myself with a huge shot of crank.. .. I fell down.. I stood up.. I put down my needle.. Chris awaken'd.. and looked at me with wonder.. Casey's smile turned upside down.. Jesse was laughing.. I could hear all this.... just not very well... I thought I was dead.. I was an angel.. and I was lying there... and not moving.. it was my soul that was moving.. I felt myself drift away.. I was outside... Chris was with me... we had guns... Chris did too.. we were bundled up.. .. I could smell crank.. I checked my pockets.. 2 needles.. and a bag of death.. 2 guns... snow.. .. spoons.. water.. we were set... we drifted.. we went to the woods.. we went to the pond.. we enjoyed the pond.. I thought about Casey.. right then I realized.. I was lying down.. I reached out.. to what.. I don't know.. my memory came back.. it was getting light.. I had done that shot.. over 6 hours ago.. and I didn't' know what I'd done.. I realized me 'n Chris hadn't said a word to each other.. I sat up quickly and said oh my god.. Chris, startled, said whatwhat... I jumped up.. and ran to the house.. Chris.. stayed outside.. I went in.. Jesse was playing pool by himself.. Roger and Casey were fucking.. I could hear them... .. I played pool with Jesse... I didn't know what to say.. I didn't know what to do.. so I put down the pool stick.. and I went to the kitchen table.. .. I got out my spoon.. I got out my water.. I got out my needles.. and I got out my bad of death.. Jesse looked at me.. and said.. you can't possibly be serious.. and I said.. what I'm starting to come down.. Jesse looked at me in disbelief.. he told me.. you got balls, Kenny.. I laughed.. and dumped out a pile.. .. and drew up some water.. and I did another shot.. I put everything away.. and stood up.. I was queasy.. I was swaying this way and that.. but I didn't fall down.. I played pool, with Jesse.. I doubted myself.. my playing ability.. Chris walked up.. and hit the door.. .. he open'd it.. he came in.. I looked at him.. he was smiling.. he said.. lets do another shot.. I said okay and looked at Jesse.. he shook his head.. 'n put down the pool stick.. we did another shot.. I smiled.. and I went to lie down.. I did so.. and stood right back up.. I was thoughtless.. I was tasteless.. I was speechless.. but worst of all.. I was emotionless.. I couldn't feel.. I couldn't do anything.. but I was anything... my mind took me to places I've never been.. .. it took me to a place without thought.. I could hear Roger and Casey fucking... but it sounded worse than that.. I couldn't hear it.. .. but I thought I could.. that's bad.. I didn't know what to do.. I sat down.. I stood up.. .. I played pool.. until I went back outside.. it was light.. it was 10.56... I didn't have to go to work.. that scared me.. 'cuz I knew what I'd do.. I sat outside on the porch.. and thought.. I was able.. I was able to have thought.. I was thankful.. .. I just wished I could feel.. I pinched myself... nothing.. I felt nothing.... I wasn't real.. but was more real than I could ever dreamed to be.. Chris came outside.. tapped me on the shoulder.. and handed me a needle with shit in it.. .. I did it.. ..and I hunched over... and I wept.. .. I cried.. like a little girl.. I cried.. but I didn't show any tears.. I was so far away from myself.. I handed the needle back to Chris.. as he walked back in the house.... I stood up.. and fell off the porch.. I stood back up.. .. and tripped over the porch.. I made my way inside.. Jesse was asleep on the couch.. I took the needle out of his arm.. I handed it to Chris.. my eyes.. were hardly open.. a sign of an od.. .. my cousin noticed it.. and he helped me up... I sat on the pool table.. just shaking.. and my head was bobbing.. to the left.. and to the right... I looked at myself.. I was so skinny... suddenly.. a knock at the door.. .. I looked up.. it was Ronnie.. Ronnie Gilmore.. a tall lanky fellow.. who loved crank.. I open'd the door.. .. he walked in.. I sat on the pool table.. Roger was at work..Casey was asleep.. and me Chris and Jesse... were nowhere to be found even tho.. we were all in the pool room.. I looked at Ronnie.. I smiled.. I knew what he wanted.. he wanted a big shot.. but I made him wait.. wait 'till he couldn't take it anymore.. .. then I gave him a shot... he left.. afterwards... it was at this time I was thinking of writing a novel... do you think I'd be good at it?.. I've started one.. but I don't like it.. I'm going to start over.. Casey never shot up.. she smoked it.. out of a glass pipe.. she was awake.. 'n me Jesse 'n Chris went back there.. and she loaded her pipe.. and she smoked some crank.. and got spun... I didn't need it.. I was already spun... so.. I went back outside.. and I sat on the porch.. Jesse joined me.. we talked.. about nothing.. and about everything.. we just sat.. smoked a joint.. 'n stood back up.. me 'n chris got these little ear sets.. that you can speak into.. and everything.. from a distance away... we put those on.. and went out in the woods.. we didn't' take anything.. .. we weren't out there very long.. we never said a word to each other.. we came back in.. Casey was doing dishes.. and Jesse was doing more crank.. it was 3.30.. I did another shot.. so did Chris.. and it was at that time that Chris said he'd never shoot up again.. 'cuz.. it was too much for him.. .. I hurt him.. he said.. he told me I'd changed his life.. .. and I was happy for that.. but then I thought.. why can't I change my own?.. I couldn't.. I didn't know why.. I was walking around.. doint nothing.. just walking.. aimlessly around the house.. and I didn't give a fuck.. about anything.. I began to rant.. and rave.. about my thoughts.. Chris thought I was psycho.. and so did Jesse.. but.. I had fun... I was telling.. speaking my mind.. but I wanted to stop.. so I did.. I sat down.. and began to look at my dope.. I had so much.. but I had so much time.. but I wanted more.. I wanted to do more.. so I put it away.. so I wouldn't look at it.. but I thought about it.. and I thought about it.. I didn't know.. about anything.. I didn't know.. I was so stupid.. but I was so smart.. Roger came home.. he threw me a baggie.. it was full of more dope.. I looked at him.. he said.. it's what I owe you.. I looked at Chris.. he was smiling.. Jesse.. was dancing... more dope.. we hand more dope.. I extended my arms.. and I asked Roger for a few needles.. he handed them to me... and I smiled.. he walked into the bedroom.. Casey was in there.. she was spun.. Roger got his dope.. 'n he went to the bathroom.. to get spun too.. I had a lot of dope.. so I went to town... I went to my house first.. I dropped off some dope.. to leave for myself.. later on.. you know.. so when I came home.. I could be spun out in my room.. by myself.. (another story)... my eyes began to cross.. I got in my car.. and I went to Justins house.. Justin was a reallyreally close friend of mine.. he has a wife.. named Paula.. who believe I was her soul mate... but she was married... I didn't know about her.. she was weird to me.. but I liked them both.. Justin.. did a shot.. so did Paula.. they loved the dope... we sat around their house all night... talking.. and carrying on.. just.. being spun... I enjoyed myself.. I like them.. their company was good.. and they were more like me.. they cared.. and stuff.. you know?.. the cared about me.. and not just the dope I was bringing in.. but that's okay... I didn't know how to take that.. but I took it.. I went over to his house.. when Justin was at work.. Justin thought I was fucking her.. but I wasn't.. I wasn't at all.. I was a virgin.. still at that time.. we did more dope.. I was happy... and content.. but I was thinking about Casey.. so I went back to her house... Chris.. wasn't there ..Jesse was bumm'n.. he needed more dope.. so I gave him some.. it was the following day.. I had spent that night at Justins house.. it was 3.00 tho.. I went home.. and I went to my room.. and I slept.. I woke up.. at 5.00.. I did more dope.. I stayed in my room.. and I wrote.. I wrote.. and I wrote.. post comment

[23 Nov 2003|03:19pm] I remember one time... when I had a half gram of the best crank around.. .. I was told not to do more than a quarter at a time.. but I had a half.. ... it was a heavy half too... and I had a mirror in my room.. so I dumped it all out on that mirror.. .. and it was a lot.... I stood up... I went to the kitchen.. and I got a spoon.. I was thinking.. during that walk from the kitchen.. back to my bedroom... what if I die... .. what would happen.. I want to know.. .. what if.. I die.. so I took the mirror.. and got a needle.. I took the spoon.. and I went to the bathroom.. .. I sat the spoon down.. and I picked up the crank on the mirror.. and placed every bit of it in the spoon.. .. you see.. you have to add water.. to it.. in order to turn it into a liquid.. and inject it.. how much water you add.. will depend on the severity of the rush.. I drew up water into the needle... I had only put 20 units of water on it.. when normally.. you shouldn't even do a half gram at a time.. 'n if you did.. you should add more of like 35 units of water.. I made it think... I wanted... to die.. I added it to the spoon... to the crank.. and I mixed it up.. until it was nice.. and liquid... I thought to myself.. .. is this the last shot I'll ever do.. will I die.. here.. in my own bathroom.. of my own home... I drew up the crank.. in the needle.. .. I thought some more.. I said to myself.. what are you doing, Kenny.. why are you doing this... .. I coughed.. .. then I sneezed.. .. and coughed some more.. ... I rinsed off the needle.. and prepped it for my arm.. I'm shaking.. right now.. tellin' you this.. I raised the needle to my face.. and looked at it.. that 20 units of water.. had blown up.. to a 50 shot... that means.. there is 20 units of water.. and 30 units of crank.... that's... horrid.. when the units of crank outweighs the water... that's bad.. that means you shouldn't do it.. I thought some more.. ... should I put some back.. just do it all.. .. I want.. to die.. I punctured the skin.. of my arm and placed the needle in my vein.. .. I thought some more.. this is going to be a good one.. I said.. .. I registered the needle.. I pulled back on the plunger... there was blood.. the needle starting swarming with blood.. I thought some more.. .. Jesus.. what am I doing.. .. I pushed the plunger.. down.. down.. until it was all injected.. ... ... my memory.. is lost.. from there on out.. .. I had passed out.. for 2 hours.. I was sitting on the toilet.. my head.. was lying on the counter.. the needle.. still in my arm.. ... whenever you pass out.. like that.. .. every time you do.. there is a chance you won't wake up.. but.. I had woken up.. .. I was sad.. I wanted to die.. .. the rush.. was better than an orgasm.. .. I couldn't believe it.. I didn't know what to do.. stand.. sit.. or just lie down.. my mind was racing.. .. my feet wouldn't stop moving.. .. the walls.. were melting.. I could grasp myself.. I had to go to work... I stood up.. .. but fell back down... I couldn't grasp reality yet.. .. I was too far gone.. that was the 3rd time I had tried to od.. .. I did od.. mildly... but.. I didn't die.. I crawled.. because I couldn't walk.. I made it to the kitchen... and I looked at the clock.. .. it was 1.17... and I had went in there at 10.16... I didn't realize that.. .. I panic'd.. then I puked... I remembered I hadn't put away the needle 'n stuff in the bathroom... I crawled back in there.. and I shut the door.. .. I put everything away.. and I took the mirror.. and I crawled to my room..and put it away.. as I was crawling back out.. my step-sister had come upstairs.. she said.... and I remember that I could hardly hear her.. her voice.. was dampen'd in my head.. because.. the ringing was so loud.. she said.. .. what are you doing, Kenny... .. what are you doing to yourself... .. I slowly looked up at her.. .. I lay'd completely on the floor.. and I just told her.. .. I'm killing myself.. .. and I'm going to work.. she shook her head.. .. and went back downstairs.... I stood up... .. I feel back down on the couch.. I was sweating.... ALOT... I was soaked in sweat.... I crawled to the bathroom.. and I turned on the shower.. .. I had to be at work at 2.... it was 1.30... I thought to myself.. .. you can't drive, Kenny... what are you doing... .. you're a fool, Kenny.. .. I said to myself.. you're hopeless.... then I said out loud.. to myself.. We Live Without Hope.... that still rings in my head.... and.. I dunno... I rinsed off in the shower.. .. on my knees.. I looked up at the shower head.. it was wrong.. something wasn't right about it.. the water... .. it wasn't running.... I frowned.. I thought I had turned it on.. it was 1.55 I'm going to be late for work I told myself.. .. but I didn't care... I crawled out of the shower.. I was naked... I was hot.. sweating... I couldn't move... I was.. too involved.. on trying to make my way out of the bathroom.. .. but I couldn't move.. .. I puked again.. and I panicked.. there was blood in my puke.. .. I couldn't move.. I.. I didn't know what to do.. my step-sister was downstairs... no one but myself was upstairs..... I thought I had done a good thing.. .. I tried to stand up... I couldn't move... my whole body gave out.. and with a thud.. I hit the floor.. you're a waste, Kenny.. I told myself.. you're never going to be anything.. but a druggie I told myself.. why.. I asked myself.. I replied out loud.. I want to die... I jumped.. I startled myself.. I didn't' know who I was talking to.. my head.. felt like there was insects crawling all over it.. I couldn't feel anything.. I was numb.. .. but I was comfortable.. .. it was 2.25 I tried to stand up.. I couldn't move... I puked again.. .. but I couldn't move... I looked at the shower.. I heard something.. the water was running.. .. I had turned it on.. .. I was wet.. it was water.. not sweat.. .. I frowned... I couldn't grasp myself.. .. I couldn't move... .. I stood up.. I couldn't move.. I layed down.. but I couldn't move.. this was getting to me. .. I puked again... I didn't know what to do.. I didn't' know where I was... I didn't know how to react... I was.. lost.. and I wanted to die... finally.. I felt my muscles.. begin to respond.. I could move.. I stood up... but I fell back down.. I used the wall.. and the sink for support.. I hurriedly open'd the door.. .. there was my step-sister... she was crying... .. I wasn't.. .. I told her to get back downstairs... .. she did so.. I fell back down... I got dressed... I got my keys.. and headed .. for my car... I forgot shoes.. I turned around.... and got some shoes... I left the water running.. .. I turned it off... I got in my car.. and I went to work... while I was at work.. I was stumbling.. I didn't' know where I was.. but I knew I was there... I was lost.. and David.. the other cook and Nancy's son... knew it.. Nancy was the owner... and David was her son.. Jody .. her daughter.. knew something was wrong.. David.. let me come back home.. but I didn't want to go.. .. it was 3.30... .. my dad would be home at 4... so I went home.. ... I went off in the ditch.. I woke up.. and went back to the other ditch.. I liked that ditch better... I made it home... I knocked.. my dad answered... he saw me.. my face was red... my eyes were so wide.. I couldn't stand still... he shook his head.. called me ate up.. and let me in.... I went to the bathroom.. .. I lied on the floor... and I looked up at the ceiling.. and said to myself... I want to die... post comment

my written decline. [14 Nov 2003|06:00pm] the light of hope just flickered out complete dark, no sound, too weak to shout bleak, and obsolete, 19 and diseased I wish I knew why my vision decreased it's blurry, and focus is getting hard the beginning is here, this is when it has to start thoughts falling, mind creeping me out trying to re-direct myself, opening another route it isn't working, someone help I can't stand it, tired of yelling at myself .. pain sets in .. I try to scratch away the little pieces they're only to be replace by bigger ceases a twitch in my mind is showing through deadening these sounds, just to try and hear you prided myself on dragging me down but this piercing sound, is killing me fierce, but slow, soft, yet hard the sound of death, it's drawing near I've found myself dead, to your cold fear don't be afraid for me, I don't want your sympathy everyone's against me, my minds with them, a conspiracy my heart, killing all things blistering eyes, feeling each sting corrupted, feeling alone I'll take a stand, as I sit on my throne now, it really begins I'll repent, each of my dreadful sins watching myself, going deeper down the hole dripping myself, eating the ribs I stole hollow for room, room for pain I look to the left and the right, everything is one huge stain my life, is a big mistake you can have it, it mis-communicates I've lost control, therefore, lost the will moving so fast, yet sitting so still the watcher watches, he begins to see that inside this dying world, nothing is set free I can't be me, with myself, I'm scared but I'll still stand up, and do what you wouldn't dare I've got no reason to be afraid this is my ending I've safely displayed it came sooner than expected in my heart, seeing myself rejected I can't cope with the loss of myself I've done the mistake, and I don't need the help I am my own god even if I do consider myself a fraud it's me, my own fraud, my insides clawed escaped the dread, catching the dark seeing the end, but viewing the start forever paying for this damage I've caused picture of a gun in my hand, it suddenly dis-charged I find no more, this isn't me searching myself to maybe accidentally see the face I found 2 months ago insisting I haven't drug myself this low I tried, to stay alive, lost my will nowhere to turn, why not just die, do you see me still? even when I'm right with you I'm so far away thinking the problem, I convince myself to stay missing the point, I fall away from myself getting back up, to find my shelf lay down, right here, and close your eyes still surprise myself, on how much it bled kill him away, here I am, put him to bed soaring high, but I ain't go wings needless to say, I hate how much wind stings the date is due, and I'm starting to run late should I stay, or try to change fate? I wish someone could tell me why I hate everything but nothing at all on the brink of watching my own downfall it was said once, and now again my biggest mistake, was covering my stain look in my eyes, and tell me you wouldn't do the same at least I'll go down, in one huge flame the memories of the dead times we had I'll have lived to know, not all were that bad we had it once, and I'd do it again looking for myself, wondering how to contain I wish you the best, and nothing at all if I was there, would you take the fall? if I hide, will you promise to forget all my wallowing, surrounding my dis-content I don't want to know, after I'm gone I'll be happy to know, that I can do no harm my head looking down, my vision looking up 1..2..3.. it'll begin with a message interrupt I found my place, when I'm gone will you mis-place my body and my mind I'm tired of searching and pain is all I find what good use is that I'm a thought not spoken I'm the smoke you aren't smoking open the door, the silence is me look through it, the darkness sets me free I'm a second alter-ego, set to self destruct why can't I stop the pain nothing I do helps, I'll stop to complain don't listen to me, I'm not worth the words I speak I'm a fucked up freak Fuck you all, but don't ever judge me I could guide you half-way down 'n show you how after you get there, tell the keeper he's allowed he'll know what to do and he'll go do it once he's done, I'll go completely to shit Fuck myself and everyone around me in an attempt to show you I'm free mystical creation dripping sensation altered apprehension physical mis-direction emotional comprehension underhand temptation all can be found in this dying nation I'm hating myself, and disconcerting others all pain I've felt means nothing to myself crawling around, bleeding bad trying to find, simple thoughts I had direction missed, temperature rising dead body laying, physically compromising due structure, leading mis-directions lacking time, cause of procrastination distance increasing, minds under achieving overwhelming incompetence, sufficiently incoherent effective persistence, devious disposition faulty distinction, common extinction I look in your eyes, I am the faults I see my reflection mirror image you don't need me maybe I should just stay discontent everyone'll just start to name a concept 61, 14, and the ace of clubs seeing the distance, and what it's memory does I'm out not to see I no longer want what this mind gives me I hate it, I'm in need of something.. I wish I knew what.. I wish I knew.. I'm alive, but dead inside I no longer care, there's no reason to hide by myself and never anyone else except their body, but never they're own self someone's true colors suck I wish I knew the quickest way so close, but yet so far out the window, there sits my car distance clouds, teardrops surrounding trees the green grass blades, and the pretty green leaves tempers flare, control over-thrown tossed around and settled down learning my quest, to offer the clown pass it over, peace to me thinking aloud, but all to silently post comment

[14 Nov 2003|05:59pm] yell my name play my game tell me the same make me crave become my slave take this cross divide your loss curl the hatchet and try to match it take the heart take it apart detach the string give me a fling and feel the sting distinguish the feeling focus on healing feel the bugs and what it does look straight ahead feel like your dead numb and crawling weightless and falling you can't hide it the taste of shit your eyes perk out giving view a shout focus on blur never to sure looking so fast can't catch grasp crawling fades eyes get hazed movement is eminent induced is the element feed the blood turn it to mud poke a hole your breath being stole speak with your hair dispose your stare you can't see I can't feel me you stand still all you kill through your eyes everything dies the rush can't be ignored the taste fore-warned the end of your sobriety never-ending society drug-abusive and able served on a golden table taken with a golden spoon weaved my golden cocoon a tidal wave of emotion a wake of devotion a current addiction a dedicated prescription I was never told what I'd un-fold never take it back when I've lost track your stomach shrinks your mind thinks your hair tingles your blood mingles and your throat feels it the warm commitment open your mouth the fire comes out fall to the floor get up, and do it some more post comment

[14 Nov 2003|05:58pm] i can not live i can not die my mind has been broken so why even try the days trickle by filled with sorrow, and regret i watch the clock in hopes i'll soon forget the night it began it all toppled over i soon found out this was my no leaf clover i ran through the trees trying to hide from your gloating eyes i see from the other side i fell to the floor i heard him coming i heard the laughter it was all too cunning he quickly surrounded me grabbing my neck in hopes to redeem me of what i see correct i yelled for help i did all i could but he held me down and hit me with wood i closed my eyes so i couldn't see i began to weaken as he watched me bleed he tied me up and started to shout cutting my stomach as everything spilled out they hit the ground and he hit his knees my eyes are sewn shut my god, this can't be is this the beginning or is it the end everything goes silent he's killed me again post comment

[14 Nov 2003|09:49am] I sit here in my smokey room.. I realize that in 15 minutes the alarm clock will go off.. but I won't be there to shut it off... alarm clocks never wait on anyone.. they always do their job, unless an uncontrollable mishap, takes place the alarm signals the beginning of a new day.. and the end to a nights rest.. the remnants of my blurry vision haunt me when I'm awake they take me to this place and my soul never feels more at home no fancy music, just silence.. no highway lights, just black no annoying voices, just your inner-self nothing, but everything that you are but don't ever take that away from someone else it's something that cannot be taken and it cannot be given it has to be grown, by the person that holds the soul of themselves no help, no guide just your mistakes and your lessons and once you know what not to do.. what you're supposed to do will be clear as day and you won't worry about airplane ticket prices .. or if you'll be in Chicago on time... or when your next meeting with Mr. Big Shot is it'll just be you.. in a darkened room surrounded by your thoughts enchanted by your voice and sucked in by the dreams you create and once you've thought up your reality it can be given to you for you to cherish, and never let go it'll be a day, where everything goes right, and nothing can go wrong everyone is on your side, and you're happy to be who you are I can take you to a place where you won't feel alone but you'll be more alone than you could even dream of being after all, being alone is what makes you listen to what you tell yourself no stupid opinions being shoved down your throat no one telling you that this is the wrong thing to do right and wrong are only a perception that differs from one to another there is no right, there is no wrong.. if there is no spoon, then bending it is simple.. if there's no right or wrong, then choices are now easy your risk drops from bad to good and you find yourself taking opportunities you never otherwise would you've made a better life for you and anyone else who'd care just look at what's come of these 15 minutes I've had alone.. .. you can only imagine what could come out of a lifetime of being alone no one judging you on how you look, or how you act no one putting you down, for what you said, or what you did just you and yourself, and now you'll get to know each other .. because you have know yourself, before you can know anyone else if you don't know yourself.. how do you expect anyone else to?.. my only wish is that everyone should feel this way where will I be in 500 years I'll plan out my life, as if I'll live forever you can't fool time, but you can make yourself think you are what the brain perceives as real, the body accepts.. .. if it's perception, then is there anything that isn't real? when your soul is locked in a room by itself only then will you understand the meaning in what i'm trying to say post comment

[03 Nov 2003|05:18am] stories being left un-said thoughts flowing through my head all these wishes, I wish I wished all the hints I purposely missed to get around the fear of not having you here I wish we could stay, I wish we could go I wish there were people, I wish we were alone everyday I'm confronted by the things I've hunted I'm charged with being myself and simply begging for your help I wish I could listen, I wish I could hate I taste you on my tongue, in everything I taste I no longer want, now I simply need you're the water, that covets my seed you are the first, you are the last you're in between the present and the past I'm your first and last deposit, through sickness and in hell your wish is my command, I know what to do, and I do it well I will grant thee the prayer that is to be made sour is the fruit, turned black as a spade hand me down food courts, diamond and in gold profit to be made in everything to be sold my tears are on the market, the price is going down toss my feelings one by one, my choice is how I surround these footsteps grow silent in the night now it's time to make wrong what used to be right through it all, just be yourself with-in all that you are playing something you're not won't get you very far this chess game can no longer go on I can tell you knew it all along how could I live, never knowing the way home there's no way I could do this on my own in your heart, you've offered a place to stay where have you been, please don't ever go away my reason lies with-in you my prosecution embedded in all you do the scenery is delightful what was once suicidal evolved into all that we breathe you hold the key that finally sets me free you leave me no place to hide that's a big part of what I know I like toss me your love, throw me your hate share your emotions, as we both live out our fate take my hand and follow me there and back I'll be afraid with you, I'll pick up where we seem to lack always - buried in the center that is you revolving - my choice is entwined in what you do my scars are well beyond only skin deep for I know the callow man shall reap I can see, I can see I'm going blind try to look through but this is what I find I ... I am confused I'm wanting to give in, I'm not the accused my skin cold with touch they fall in love with what doesn't hurt much now I confront the future that holds this lie throw your little fit but, I just wanna know why chemical reactions in water I'm continuously diluting the answer lies deep beneath everything that is moving I don't wander around trying to be, whats not with-in me I watch as you look, but do you see... do you see? you're definitely one of a kind you're everything I could ever dream to find your infinite divine your breeze keeps everything in line I love to just watch, the grace in the way you move how the air moves so you can just breeze right through I see the other side, of the person inside of you point blank with the danger of myself infinite wisdom that offers no help so many double standards block anything from making sense like a 3/8 nut to take off a 7/16 wrench volcanic activity nestled atop a lake of ice setting up these traps, we're treated like mice my arms fall limp, and my eyes go green the anguish runs pure, it's so easily seen burnt rubber, the smell of an engine running too lean the speed of pain always keeps everything clean I try so hard but I can't reach you, I'm buried so far underneath I bow my head as my black halo sparkles beneath the gleam we're neon by nature, aggressive in the most peaceful dream we're under your skin, and we're cutting the seam we're burning your wishes with very hot steam from one side to another, we cautiously careen from the murky waters of what I would call home I pull my heart from my chest, it beats one and alone I never understood how they could be so cold tangled in these secrets are mysteries to unfold in the canopy of trees, insects give their mating call all we hear is noise, followed by the sounds of a water-fall do we know what we hear, are we sure that this place even exists the air seems wrong, I sense far too many conflicts post comment

- Here's Your Holiday - [02 Nov 2003|08:02pm] whatever makes you happy do what the fuck you want I wish I was more than just the secrets you flaunt I feel a sense of belonging and that is my signal to go if I become expected to stay I'd then become lower than low my cigarettes are my vice keeping my tactful mind in check by filling my lungs with poison and clouding emotions I collect I turn away from you to be face to face with what I've always known which is a huge empty nothingness that's all I've ever been shown if I'm going to be scared, I'd rather be running leaving behind chicken shit cologne and if I'm going to be lonely I'd much rather be alone the serpents eyes are locked it's found it's prey it will not stand aside and watch it run away what was I thinking this is the furthest thing from me 'cuz when I'm not around you you whole heartedly pray that I could be why do you pull me into a place I don't belong how did my mind begin to think it's the place I need to be when did my feelings far surpass your insecurities what is this light that suddenly brightens the darkest parts of me just like an angel your touch makes me bleed this power overwhelms my heart but yet leaves me with a dying need I now wear a helmet to protect me from your words that fall from above they fall weightlessly, almost without meaning and they always run and hide when push comes to shove many nights your words keep me wide awake lying on my back, blankly staring to the sky analyzing the problem, over and over and under my skin I wander through amazement as my mind paints the reasons why I separate conclusions, it don't make sense I don't feel better, the problem is easy yet you find ways to make things more difficult I'm on over drive so much I'm becoming queasy you won't tell me to leave but you have no problem with keeping me here as if you're the only one to lose from your thoughts that are so unclear I'm such a creep how can I do this to myself doesn't matter if I need it or not I will always turn down the help yes I know tomorrow will be okay but tomorrow never comes I attract these situations that rest at the top of the hardest ones because your so fucking special I will forever feel just like I do but I wish I was special I wish that for once I could feel like you the line keeps getting closer and the day it arrives you better be ready 'cuz it'll change both our lives if the answer is yes, or the answer is no you're still gunna wonder if that's the way to go it makes no difference after it's said and done you'll probably feel angry, and even selfish some regardless, I will dig forever and the days that would follow once you get one filled up, you find three more that are hollow I should just stand up and be well upon my way benefits of tomorrow are well worth the discomforts of today I want to watch it crumble, I want to see it burn either way it always seems like I'm skipping my turn even though I'm troubled, with all the things I lack I'd never grant an action without planning the attack in these seeds lies the endless routine of mine one of broken promises and running out of time my battle cry is wearing thin, soon it will have no affect it will rest in emptiness for the dust to collect you consider the sources and yet nonetheless you end up hiding in darkness that's so meaningless it's all because, you're so fucking special you mark with a pen, when you should shadow with a pencil I hold all the thoughts, you only dream you could have and because of that I'm always being stabbed in the back I'm sticking with conclusions that I know won't fit which plays tricks on my mind but I don't give a shit I've been through the parts of hell you didn't even know existed like the drugs, unto my body I regretfully enlisted I'm a mis-guided soul trying to walk a very guided path but to be equal you have to add or subtract and I have never liked math why do I try to be accepted in a life that's already thrown me away yet at the same time expects me to be there day after day I don't belong here. I don't belong there yet somehow I end up everywhere post comment

[12 Jul 2003|12:04pm] my palm opens and air is let out nothing to offer, and nothing to gain I'm over the point of forgotten and somehow, I know it isn't the same people come and go in life but memories will always ring true what others have said, and done and what some try to show you when I look around, I don't see anything my heart is open, blood is spilling out this blood's for you but no one knows what I'm talking about there's an inner-self, I can't grasp my hand is out, and my mind is in I'm shouting out, and swimming around my voice is shattered, now I begin my stance is straight-forward and my design is unique I'm trying to put forward idly looking, for whatever I seek I'm un-afraid, yet scared to death my silence haunting, yet there when I open my mouth, and nothing comes out I know you all begin to stare you all look, and no one see's trees are moving, and sky is dark flashing like a strobe-light seeing glimpses of where I should start how will I be remembered when I'm gone a scary question, when your part of the game will anyone care, staring in my grave but how does it feel, when no one remembers your name everyone speaks it, but none of them feel no one knows how to take it, but they give it well receding self, mirror images, no one knows but everyone watched, the day that I fell the hole was long, and it was dark but I knew that I had to keep going the deeper I went, the darker it got my body was dead weight, and never slowing I look inside, and take a peek black outlined with red mirrors on both sides, stretched with number a mouth that's moving, but nothing that's said focus was lost, and the sea was with waves the obstacles in my way, I know I have to climb no more going down, my refusal is eminent but I get myself up, and try one more time 2 comments|post comment

[12 Jul 2003|12:00pm] I wish I could have everything I wish I could have nothing I wish I could have something I wish I could have anything but what would it be?.. I wish I could have you I wish I could have me I wish I could it all I wish I could... but what would it be? I wish I could talk I wish I could listen I wish I could see I wish I could taste but what would it be? I wish I could sleep I wish I could stay awake I wish I could lay down I wish I could go on but what would it be? I wish I could continue I wish I could stay put I wish I could say no I wish I could say yes but what would it be?.. .. it'd be nothing, without you I wish I could go back I wish I could go forward I wish I could stand still I wish I could do but what would it be? I wish I could sit I wish I could stand I wish I could walk I wish I could run but what would it be? I wish I could love I wish I could hate I wish I could melt I wish I could be free but what would it be? I wish I could I know I could I wish I knew I could but what would it be.. it'd be nothing without you I wish I couldn't I wish I didn't I wish I did I wish I have I wish I haven't I wish I shouldn't I wish I should I wish I I knew what'd it'd be without you it'd be nothing without you nothing without you nothing with you nothing without you nothing nothing nothing nothing without you everything with you without you everything nothing anything something never I couldn't I wish I don't .. maybe I could with you never I wish, again it'd all be nothing, without you post comment

[12 Jul 2003|11:58am] there isn't a knife in my shell and there isn't a moon for me to dwell there isn't even a silence, to so easily compell but an eerie noise, with a mystical spell shining from the depths, of the longest well that stems to the ground, releasing it's smell deadening everything around but never loosens the ground no one looked, but no one found no one heard, but they listened to the sound but they mystified the spell, and they're hatred started to mound toward an entity, that they couldn't see they couldn't smell, but felt to infinity they delt they're wounds, and tied the community but when they looked back they didn't deal immunity they heard the ground the fear of missed continuity with the flowers of hatred exposed and weakness dampened on their clothes regaining sence, and feeling composed feeling each other when each one disposed the threat of another who dare opposed the reaching of the moon has just begun they reached for the handle, and it slowly spun spun their brains, and fired the gun that does the make, that hits someone but leaves when he see's what he's undone as he close his eyes it refuses to see and never will it again it won't do it again he meant to let it all slip away he's abadoned, what do expect from this creature the death of ones demise constructs the deal, of anothers life we can't deny the death of an inside inside the death, all we find is more life .. more life and when it hits the end, and all you see is your blood .. i'll spell it out for you no more life if one feels but never touches how would one feel at all?.. how would one never get too tired to deal with the everyday bullshit things that doesn't calm anyone down you have to know the problem before you can make it complicated can't you accept fear?.. and not trust in a tear make back up, and take another steer maybe then, the shape will come clear. post comment

[04 Jul 2003|07:24am] for those of you that like rhyming.... what do you think of this? Sit down, I've got a tale to tell The fight to live goes on, your death I can smell What'd I do to you, what the fuck did I do I don't believe a fucking word How can I listen it's your voice that's slurred It's me your dissing and your back that's turned It's your shit I've learned And my time I've yearned I'm not going to pick through your garbage Fuck that you can't make me No way in hell I'mma let you take me I'mma try like hell not to let you break me In your life I've tried to lead Because of that I grew this seed And everyday I must feed Until it's finished doing it's deed The last you'll hear is this very creed And then I'll begin by smoke'n this weed Suffer, and wonder why I sit and bleed And why my life is still not freed Hide behind a wife, then maybe breed Begin a new birth, someone else you'll plead So my word will you take heed Or just keep going and finally flee It's your choice make it fly Maybe someday you'll look me in the eye I wonder then if I'll possibly comply My brain will continuously multiply These simple thoughts I try to deny In the end my own brain will fry It's already begun, more so until I die I don't think you completely understand How I hate how we follow your command Give in to every demand Here is my mother fucking plan Put myself behind the wheel Until I find the place, I feel I can feel My eyes so wide I look up at you all As I slowly pick up speed and begin to fall And as you stare And watch my gentle glare As I land, softly lying there Now you see that this isn't fair Oh don't do it, don't you fucking dare These thoughts can't begin to compare Look at it, who's soul is really in despair It all beings with a fling of my hair And a quick wiff of the cool dry air Mend the heart that you did tear Rope in hand, pack on back I began my journey right on track My feet walked, my legs picked up slack And my very thoughts, went completely black And on everyone else, I did attack I went deeper with-in the thoughts you lack My body you no longer enslave With all I have, it's you I do blame And I'm no longer a part of your silly game I'm sure in the end I'll die with my fame But I'll lived knowing, my heart you did not tame And it wasn't my face in that fucking frame My life I'd lived once, and always the same Who said you need a spark, to light up a flame Did you hear me yell your stupid fucking name I'll live to die in every ounce of your fucking shame I don't think you completely understand The strength of the situation you have at hand I'll no longer play into your every demand Here is my mother fucking plan Deal the gun - see who gets the deal Until I find the place, I feel I can feel Blood and pain escape my head I finally enter where you fatally dread Just the ever so true words that are said A message from nowhere before my eyes, and this is what it read 20lbs of nothing for 20lbs of lead My mouth fell open, hang'n on by one single thread Wondering now if I'm back in bed Dreaming about something, in the color red Or sleepwalking with the devil on side streets instead They flood as one and reality returns Gawking at all the harm that's been done Memory returns to me, making me one And then I remember how much this isn't fun The thought crosses I am incredibly spun That's okay, believe me, I've only just begun Make everyone think I've become clean But I'll just become harder to be seen I'm coming full force, giving all there is to steam It started in the backyards we all played You'll understand when you see the ending I have safely displayed Your dumb to the same image you had portrayed To dumb to handle me, or are you just too afraid I don't think you fully understand This really isn't what you had planned Completely rejecting your every demand I'm telling you my mother fucking plan Search to internally heal Until I find the place, I feel I can feel I hope I'm there watching every move Calmly doing whatever it is your trying to prove The look you give as If I simply misunderstood I follow you, but please, my own choice if I could Let me decide if I should do what I should When it's done it's my hand I'll lend And then my message I'll begin to send Until I am sure if you are my real friend I can't believe it, now my happiness you try and end When you let go and make it my life to tend Then, maybe then this thing I'll try and mend As you hide and stay ever so blind You don't help me in the least, your face behind the line I can't take it this explodes in my mind If we aren't careful, it'll happen to all mankind Like a fish in the sea, I'm me not confined Like a bird in the air, I'll come back un-refined With this simple state of mind I calmly search until I find With proper gear and a home-stitched style You're set to go, and climb the shit pile My smug sense of maturity And my number one, biggest impurity The ritual began with a strand of hair Now to the point of asking myself, is this really fair I hope to die slow and watched by your eye So you can see the pain and hurt that you did try I'm the same person that many years you did deny Now you accept, the tables turned, you better not pry I'll look you in the face you'll watch as I die And I'll have known no one can stop me, not you, nor I But it makes no sense to me It's easy, yet hard in its vivid simplicity I'll make it known so it's no big mystery Just follow me down, and listen carefully Hold your head high, and speak proudly I am above all this, here on out, I keep confidentially You don't see me at all You see me curled in a ball You sit and enjoy watching me fuck it all That makes you so very, very tall Slowly I get up, and I begin to crawl I ready myself, for yet another glorious fall post comment

[23 Jun 2003|10:25pm] my fingers are rotting and my soil hinders growth so upon my grave you read the words i lovingly wrote side show money makers it's what keeps our clocks ticking the worse off we become means the more ass i'm kicking and i get all .. numb it's a beautiful new day and your time has ran out but you don't care, anyway my god is a capsule i use to manipulate the reasons i hide to the food we masticate i spit out these seeds that are rotting in you because grow, they never will never get stuck on things that never grew i cut the apple in two to reveal the worm inside it has eaten the center it's bated breath ache'n for me to die i've got something you could never hate for you can't hate hatred itself so cover me in snow my depression is my good health the burning fire refuses to go out hate me ... hate me just don't ever give in to me you're everything i'll never be i'm a toy, i'm used and abused i lose all the battles you've ever fought but in that i find solice 'cuz you're made of everything i'm not i'm disease lacking cure yet i always focus on other things my negativity is whole for it has pulled many strings it's welcome mat is my heart and once you find yourself at the door think long and hard before you knock once you enter, i no longer care anymore you see what you see and what you see stays inside sunshine never gets in destiny lives until i die they'll call you names and ridicule you senseless but raise your head to the sky your rejection so relentless put me in drive and steer me into you drive off the cliff of love i'm but a puppet, and this is what i do i wish i could show you i wish i made sense but my mind is so cloudy even though it's so intense i skip around thoughts i can't focus on just one except when it's you this war is over, and i know you've won post comment

zero and zero is nothing but zero [05 Apr 2003|10:46am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | The Sound Of Nothing ] I look deeply in the mirror, searching for my soul 'cuz last night it was ripped out, by a demon and his troll they pulled it through my chest and that was the last I'll see of the very being that was planted with-in the deepest parts of me what if your god, wasn't a god at all but merely a puppet waiting for his time to fall because there's little difference between god and your soul this is what is beckoning as you struggle to regain control my voice trembles and my knees begin to shake I'm dangling from the edge of what I'm allowed to take as these rocks slip away I hear what I'm about to do I'm going to fly, yet I know there's no way I'll make it through when you know you're gunna die, does that make you already dead or is that just a thought, that's been gliding through my fucked up head 'cuz one side is everything and the other just seems tall but that's not the only thing you owe me, you know you owe me all and my vision turns to blood, and my eyes now start to seep they're dry and misplaced, I'm minutes away from being complete I derive from my pain, and use this as my tool for I know the quickest draw will surely win this duel now there's only one thing left as the failure is complete soon I'll break down and my control starts to deplete I knew this would happen, just had no idea it'd be today for the first time in years I've got a lack of anything to say I can now see my breath, everything is going cold my toes and fingers grow numb now I start to fold how can I win, if I've already lost now I begin to shiver as my skin builds with frost we believe it's too late so there's no reason to change you've done what you could and there's no reason to complain my breathing slows down, oxygen is running low my eyes no longer focus, my temperature well below there's now only fire, burning in my eyes I stood firm, no way I'd ever compromise and as everything begins to get dark and my speech is now limited pieces of my past cling to my body and then immediately become riveted never to let go of each mistake I've made if only I'd have listened, and kept myself at bay as I feel my body falling through the wind I hit the ground hard, I couldn't even pretend I saw the beginning, and now I see whats to come your world is unaffected, you slither back to where you came from after the dust settles yours eyes dart to try and find maybe a piece of my fears, as I'm sure some were left behind when it's all said and done, you see nothing at all I've been wiped clean while you were left to stand tall I bet with all the guilt you wade through everyday you still find yourself thinking of me, in some odd, but funny way I thrive on remembrance, I couldn't have what was never mine though I found myself wishing I could all the damn time but what are these wishes that didn't do any good why did I even try, I barely understood so when it's your day, I want you to know that I've been informed of the place you're gunna go there's already room, for you next to me sometime in the future, but as for now you'll never see post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]