Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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5:08 pm
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today has been overall pretty horrible..i wake up extremely tired and barely able to speak..botany class we had to do some stupid experiment and steven spills some starch on my pants and i just went off on him.. i got so pissed and i should not have and i felt really bad about it..then he wouldn't talk to me for another hour and a half b/c he was mad at me for getting so mad about it.. so after class we go to his car and i start crying b/c i feel like i'm making him unhappy and everyone else i know..i realize i have a quick temper and often jump to conclusions about things without really reasoning it out..its something i learned from my mother and i think its just in the genes and it will probably take therapy and a lot of time to try and change.. i hate not knowing where my life is going.. i don't know if i'll be able to go to school in portland , i don't know where my relationship is going, i don't know what i want my major to be or my future job..i have no one to talk to about how bad i feel lately..i want to know why no one stays in my life.. i can't seem to keep a friend for more than a year or so.. the only people i know that care about me are my parents..i don't think the rest of my family gives two shits, not even my grandparents..i 'm scared i'm going to be one of those people who no one knows or cares about ..like living alone when i'm old, working in an office..hmm like the guy from office space that everyone ignores..or like grandma death from donnie darko..
on top of all this crap my skin is breaking out like i'm fourteen but it's not in the t-zone it like around my jaw line..doesn't make sense..and my skin is really scaly and dry..gross combination..
current mood: don't ask
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Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
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1:05 pm
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today has been so poopy. i'm all sick again, i can barely talk, i look like shit.. my dad says i need to take vitamins , maybe so..philosophy teacher pissed me off, telling me 'stack those papers.' like i was some child and besides i didn't make the mess ..he could have taken one step to stack them himself..it was just the way he almost demanded me to do it that bothered me.. anywho, i skipped speech and art history today b/c i was feeling so tired and dizzy.. i know i didn't miss much b/c in speech people are still making introductory speeches and in art history his lecture is straight from the text.. well enough of this boring jibber jabber, i'm hungry..
current mood:  sick
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Saturday, September 6th, 2003
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9:48 pm
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i have been so lonely lately.. i hate that i have no close friends at all anymore..i don't even have any acquaintances..people at school make me sick..maybe its just me i don't know anymore..
current mood:  depressed
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Thursday, September 4th, 2003
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8:30 pm - i can't stands it no more
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ahh steven is driving me nuts with this get me all hot and bothered routine and then not putting the meat in the taco..hahah that was so gross..haha..he's too much of cheap arse to split a hotel bill..anywho, school has been good.. i'm really enjoying my classes.. i don't care for botany too much..i'm hoping if i can save up some cash and go to portland sometime like maybe spring break or something..thank god tomorrow is friday! geez i wonder what's the deal with athena.. i'm pretty sure when she called at 11 something that one night that she wasn't doing anatomy studying .. sounds like horseshit to me.. oh well whatever i don't get her sometimes
current mood:  relaxed
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Monday, September 1st, 2003
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5:33 pm
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i love urban outfitters..bought a few shirts from there and some blue jeans from the crap aka the gap..i feel so much better after just getting out of the house for a bit..i think my grandma is happy that i'm not a lesbian..she asks my mom about steven whenever she calls..my grandma is weird..
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1:14 pm
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i'm sick, i have period cramps from hell, i'm depressed, i'm about to barf b/c i'm so nervous over that fucking speech i have to make tomorrow, yesterday i didn't eat but a salad and i have had nothing today, my house is freezing 64degrees right now, no wonder i'm fuckin sick..yeah things aren't too great right now..yesterday was fun, i went to a party with steven and kenny and two other friends of steven..i finally had some jack's hard cola's and i was drunk by the third bottle..god i really need to get into therapy and get my medicine changed before i fuck up with school and with my relationships w/ family and steven..
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Saturday, August 30th, 2003
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9:16 pm - Could today get any worse?
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i just read steven's journal entry about yesterday and feel even worse than i did earlier..i'm sorry steven that i'm not more open with you about how i'm feeling, its hard for me to open up to anyone. first, i feel like people don't care to hear about anyone's problems which has been true b/c in my past experiences..two, that my problems are pretty petty and i have no reason to be upset or depressed (which is probably true). three, when i open up to someone i usually start crying and i don't like to cry in front of people ..those are some of the reasons why i don't like to tell anyone anything about the way i'm feeling..i'm so sorry steven, i'll try and talk to you (in person).. i feel like shit for making you feel that way yesterday.. i care about you a great deal and it really scares me..you're such a great person and boyfriend and you bring a lot of happiness to my life..i've done nothing but sleep all day long and right now is the first time i have gotten up.. i'm depressed and sick and itching from mosquito bites from last night that are covering my body..
current mood: depressed, sick
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1:08 pm
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ugh yesterday was bad..steven i'm really sorry for scaring you..the thought never crossed my mind..i just was feeling down yesterday and kept over thinking things..for some reason i felt uncomfortable being around people last night..i think i'm sick i've got a sore throat and a stuffy runny nose..again, steven i'm very sorry for being such a bitch i guess i'll try to better explain to you the next time i see you
current mood: sick
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Thursday, August 28th, 2003
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9:16 pm
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my poor squishy..i'm sorry i get so angry with you when it does not really make sense for me to.. sorry today was really boring its just its a school day and i have no cizash..my mom has been bitching about giving me spending money lately too..haha i told steven that i thought our philosophy teacher was kinda sexy..i think it has made him a bit jealous..but no one compares to mr.steviewinks..he finally got a haircut.. thank god..he just looks like a little boy with his hair and those cute dimples in his cheeks when he smiles..so adorable.. i really enjoy my philosophy and art history classes.. i'm not looking forward to making my speech tuesday..i wish i had an identical twin..ohhhhhhhh hahhahah.. j.r. called while steven and i were going to san jac and i let steven answer it and he told him to fuck off ,then he called two other times and steven told him to fuck off again and get a life.. thank you squishy that was sweet of you..muah!
current mood: sleepy
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Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
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8:15 pm - the only way i'll feel less angry is by ranting..sorry
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Asshole rubbing it in my face that i'm not going to dave attell and it's due to you..i fucking knew about that show before you knew about it..
I'm so fucking sorry for cutting out five minutes of your time with your friends(sounded like you missed me)..how fucking rude of me.. and you wonder why i dont call..maybe b/c i'm afraid i'm going to bother you when your with your friends which is 90percent of the time so there is no fucking point..so don't make me feel guilty about it.
I'm pissed off at you right now..
current mood:  pissed off
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12:10 pm
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gosh, i'm tired of it taking me so long to go to sleep this week.. last night i couldn't sleep b/c i was worried about the speech i have to make next tuesday..err..yesterday steven and i went to san jacinto mall b/c i thought he wanted to look for some action figure at suncoast, but suncoast was shutdown..anywho, yeah i don't really care about celebrating anniversaries either steven.. i could see if it was like a one year anniversary, even then i wouldn't make a big deal out of it..i just mentioned it b/c it seems like time flew by..i didn't fully understand what he meant by people think about time together and they break up instead of enjoying the moment...haha i wonder if he read my journal entry about me wondering he thought i was boring before he wrote that he worries i think he's boring..haha i get the feeling that steven might be scared of sex..or maybe just scared of getting me pregnant or something..or maybe i'm not the "right girl" or something stupid like that..hah i dunno i just wonder but i'm afraid to ask.. it would be very hard to impregnate me b/c i take my b.c's everyday and they are 99% effective but if i did get pregnant (highly unlikely) i would keep it, it would be different if i could not afford it( i'm pretty sure steven is a pro-lifer tsk) .. or (and god i hope its not this) he really follows the catholic religion and does not believe in premarital sex or any form of birth control..
current mood:  curious
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Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
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5:24 pm
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gosh i can't stay upset with that boy he's too fucking adorable..
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1:35 pm - i dunno if i'm making sense
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geez steven is not a morning person.. i feel like whenever we hang out it is mostly to run his errands and shit, then he goes and does all his fun stuff with his friends..i dunno it makes me feel like i'm boring to him..i don't like it when he says were going to do something and we hang out for a bit then he's like i gotta go hang out with so-in-so..it feels like he has control over everything we do..what we do , when we do , how we do..etc..maybe this is stuff that should not bother me and maybe i'm imagining it partly, i dunno..i have trouble talking in person about stuff like this..
i would like to see Dave attell but i'm not going to go w/ steven , i would feel like i'm intruding. even though he mentioned that i should go, i just don't think he really wants me to go..
current mood:  moody
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Monday, August 25th, 2003
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2:39 pm - back to school again uggh
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first day of school was very boring. it sucked b/c i had to walk a damned mile to the school b/c parking lot was full, then i see a bunch of assholes from highschool, and my coffee was cold.. the only good part of today was having steven in my class. tomorrow i have philosophy w/ stevie we have the same class together and we didn't plan it.. neat o..tomorrow i believe it will be 6 months together, i thought about that earlier when steven was asking when we started dating..he didn't know b/c there was confusion in the beginning about whether we were together or not..doesn't seem that long..anywho i'm fucking starving and sleepy
current mood:  hungry
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Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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11:07 pm - bet you wish you were me
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JOKING..tonight i'm going to be a big ol' loser and masturbate and watch evil dead. haha not at the same time..what a funfilled friday night..
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10:38 pm
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i'm never going to get laid!! haha..no i'm going to fucking rent a hotel and fuck his brains out.. rarrrrrr i'm serious and it is going to be nasty dirty porno style minus face cumshots, ass fucking, or rim jobs..anything else i'm game
current mood:  horny
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2:15 pm
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tim burton is remaking charlie and the chocolate factory and Johnny Depp might be willy wonka..haha that would be so cute..i would like to lick his lollipop..haha..last night was really nice, i got to see freddy v. Jason with steven. it was so awesome, 2 thumbs up! i was a bit mad because steven was late but i guess he had a pretty good excuse. we spent some quality time outside, in front of my house til 2:30 am haha.. i finally slept..i haven't been able to sleep well for two days.. what is the deal w/ this off and on rain? i need to go run at the park and sometime in the near future i would like to go w/ steven to the park at night. fucking rain
i have a great boyfriend..my squishy!!!
current mood:  cold
current music: the beatles -across the universe
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Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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5:54 pm
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this is bad ass
and tonight I see freddy vs. Jason w/ steven.
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Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
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4:41 pm - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
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steven is coming home tonight and i get to see him tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm freaking out b/c i'm soo excited and nervous and happy!! its really weird thinking about seeing him and touching him and all that good stuff tomorrow..its crazy.. i hope i don't start crying..i hope we get to go see freddy v. jason tomorrow..
oh and a new johnny depp movie comes out in September called "once upon a time in mexico." yippee
current mood:  giddy
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Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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2:11 pm - you say you want to stay by my side, darling your head is not right
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yesterday i bought a 3 dvd set of yoga exercise. the first two were beginner and intermediate and were too easy for me.haha it was so funny and cute, my doggy scruffy was sitting there watching me do yoga and seemed so fascinated by it then she came and gave me kisses.. ooh i ordered some of the new benefit perfume "maybe baby" it is the best smelling perfume i've ever smelled.. i talked to steven yesterday online which was nice. i'm curious as to what surprise or whatever it is that he needed to talk to someone about for me.. i hope he has a safe flight home.. haha he said he was worried about me losing this weight and not thinking he is as attractive.. that's so ridiculous, it's not like i was a fucking 250 lb person before..i basically just got in shape and lost some inches and toned up.. anywho, i get see him thursday morning !! he better call first , i will not answer the door if i just rolled outta bed even though i want to see him badly i wont answer the door. he will wait until i'm showered and prettied up.
current mood:  excited
current music: the strokes- is this it
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