Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
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7:36 pm - i'm baaaaaaack
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wooooooooow. it's been so long since i've typed in this journal. i decided to start writing in here ocassionally b/c i really do not like how i feel so exposed on lj. here i can say what i want without having to make a friends only cut or worry about people lurking ( people i know but don't like who are making judgements). reading back on these entries i get so overwhelmed with so many different emotions. right now i feel regretful. i regret how vulnerable i allowed myself to be with steven and how much it has hurt me later on even though we have been seperated for awhile. i sacrificed a lot for someone who did not treat me the way i deserved to be treated. i have tried to remain friends with steven but it has become damn near impossible to do so as he has changed so much. why do i keep trying to salvage a friendship with him? he obviously does not care to stay friends b/c he will tell me " i can't be your friend anymore' at the drop of a hatpin. how can you throw away two or so years of friendship like that and just not give a shit. anyhoo i feel like my life is in shambles right now. i am so depressed that i cannot do simple tasks. my anxiety is so bad that i cannot even make a phone call to my therapist to get the help i desperately need right now. the last time i felt this bad was in highschool. it is the last time i felt like i did not care to live. sometimes i think the only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of the afterlife. i'm scared to really live but more scared to die. every night for the past week or so i go to be crying uncontrollably. after i eat i feel so guilty that i make myself nauseous. sometimes making myself throw up to feel better. for a long time i was masking my depression by constantly keeping busy, going to bars and getting wasted and now that i'm home more it's hit me hard. well, that's all i'll write for now.
current music: pink floyd- comfortably numb
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Saturday, October 18th, 2003
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10:43 pm - long time no update
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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2:58 pm - dear god, it's me carly.. please let me get laid this saturday
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ok therapy was really helpful today..i have another appt. october 21 that i'm going to have to drag steven's ass to.. she suggested he come with me..oh and i'm hoping for some action this saturday when steven's parents are supposed to go out of town for a day..crosses fingers!! i have a craving for some really fattening food today like chik-fil-a or chipotle or gringos..
current mood:  hungry
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Monday, September 29th, 2003
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5:35 pm - Monday Monday
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mondays are always crap..today on went on a cleaning spree! so unlike me..but i dusted everything in my room, vacuumed it twice, and reorganized and threw out junk that was cluttering up my room..i need to start working out regularly again, my belly feels like jello..i need to do a lot of things actually, things to get my life back in order.. thursday i have an appointment w/ the shrink..i need some new medicine..i'm still not receiving donations for my Help-a-ho foundation..i need some ass people..hmm oh steven said he knew some guy who works at an independent video store that says they're hiring a part-timer..i just don't wanna work my whole weekend..which is what these places try to do with us college students trying to get jobs..i want a job where i can basically sit on my ass and maybe pick up a phone or something..
current mood:  bored
current music: shirley q. liquor-if i was a white woman
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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
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12:44 am
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i'm so needy
a big part of me wants to just be loved and love someone
and never have to deal with heartache and live happily ever after
i wish i knew what love feels like and i'm afraid i'll never experience it
i am so afraid of dying alone and never getting married
lately everyday it gets harder and harder to wake up and get out of bed
i haven't felt this depressed in years
to my therapist : you incompetent bitch for not calling me back and scheduling an appointment when i really need it..
current mood: wishiweredead
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Friday, September 26th, 2003
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2:46 pm
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the only thing that might help today
tequila+valium+lindt chocolate+sex
none of which i'll be receiving except for the chocolate
sometimes you seem like you have no emotions
and i'm too emotional
current mood:  confused
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(comment on this)
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11:38 am
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today is just one of those day where i just feel worthless..i don't feel beautiful inside or out..especially out..so so tired of being concerned about my looks and obsessing over my imperfections.. it's just so shallow and superficial and that makes me feel even worse..no matter how many people or how many times someone tells me i am pretty or beautiful it doesn't affect me but all it takes is one negative criticism about my appearance to get me really self conscious and depressed..another thing bothering me is that i feel like i'm not going to get the full college experience..a part of me wants to go away to a university and stay in a dorm , meet new people and be a total stranger... san jac is just like high school and u of h will probably be the same.. i don't want to leave steven though..i wish i knew whether or not i am important to him..you can tell me i am but it's not as meaningful as showing me..
current mood: discontent
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Thursday, September 25th, 2003
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8:23 pm - donate money to help me get some action
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i need forty dollars to get me laid..no i'm not paying for an escort service.. i need to pay for half of a hotel and i need some cizaaash..please help a horny hoe out! ahahahaha .. i want to get some porn but i don't want the type where it's guys cumming in girls faces and is really degrading to the women.. i have heard of feminist porn but don't know really what it's all about or where you can find it..anybody know anything about it??i want some porn with some hot guys and hot girls..they need to make porn for women.. all the porn i've seen is w/ the ugliest fucking men..ohh what would be even better is if it had all of that good stuff and it was foreign.. like russian or something.. i dunno, that language is pretty sexy..plus i have this semi obsession with foreigners..haha .. i can't use my comp for porn searching which sucks...i want some tequila
current mood:  weird
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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7:35 pm - Baby Pushpop
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haha, yes Baby Pushpop is the nickname steven gave to me today..i love it hahaha...today i skipped my botany lecture for no good reason..steven was hungry so we we're looking for a place to eat but as usual he wouldn't decide where (and also because i'm sorta picky) so we ended up not going anywhere..i wanted to go to panera b/c i thought they served black bean soup everyday but they don't.. hahah oh and steven's mom was asking him if we had sex..and he told her no and she asked 'what's wrong with carly?" hahah it's not me mrs. kurta beeeelieeve me it is not me..then she asked if i was a virgin and he told her no..it would have been nice if he had lied and told her yess so she would think more of me..god poor stevie, i would freak out if my mom asked me that stuff..
current mood:  amused
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Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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5:45 pm
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i put some memories in the memories section of my journal..check it out stevei
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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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1:47 pm - memories...
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ok , yesterday was a really horrible horrible day but i am not going to write about it..i feel a bit better today b/c of a really nice letter athena wrote me back after i told her what happened..anywho, i was looking through some of my journals from january and february that i had on friends only and this is what i found and it made me smile..i think i'll change them so steven can read how obsessed i was with him before i knew him..heh
Thursday, February 20th, 2003
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1:56p - ahhhhhhh... the best dayyyyyyyyyy
ok.. i got home today and streetpunks81 im's me...and guess who it is SSSSSStevie!!! he didn't even know i was evelyn and he got my im name from isabel.. someone had told her.. i don't know how it got around but oh my god.. we had the best convert....read it .. its so unreal
StreetPunks81: hi
monger di morte: hello
monger di morte: who are you?
StreetPunks81: im in your zoology class
monger di morte: pardon me?
StreetPunks81: the guy with the trucker hat
StreetPunks81: hi im steven
monger di morte: how did you get me sn?
monger di morte: my*
StreetPunks81: some gal
monger di morte: interesting
StreetPunks81: i told her there is this hot chick in my class
StreetPunks81: and she found out from some boy that talks to u
monger di morte: hahah..who??
StreetPunks81: and since im too lame and shy to talk to u in school
StreetPunks81: i thought i would be a dork and talk to u via internet
monger di morte: me too..i've been wanting to talk to you
StreetPunks81: really??
monger di morte: but i'm also a lame dork
StreetPunks81: awesome
StreetPunks81: she was like aww u like carly
StreetPunks81: and i was like yea but im too shy
StreetPunks81: she knew your name
monger di morte: who is she??
StreetPunks81: i just heard yer last name harris durin roll call
StreetPunks81: isabel
StreetPunks81: she said she knew u in high school
monger di morte: oh yeah..
monger di morte: harrison
StreetPunks81: sorry if this is lame
monger di morte: no no no
StreetPunks81: she said u were supposedly interested in some guy in one of your classes
StreetPunks81: and that he was in a band
monger di morte: how would she know?
StreetPunks81: and i was like no way this is say too much like a john hughes film
monger di morte: hahah
StreetPunks81: i dunno supposedly some guy u talked to told her
monger di morte: this is weird
StreetPunks81: and i told her i wanted to talk to u but in college there is no simple segway
StreetPunks81: i mean i was goin to say something to u today after class
StreetPunks81: but its like what do i say
monger di morte: true .. i didn't know how to start a conversation with you
StreetPunks81: ughhh hard test huh
StreetPunks81: or nice dress
StreetPunks81: i mean come on
monger di morte: actually i thought it was easy
monger di morte: thanks
monger di morte: the lab test kind of hard
StreetPunks81: oh yea
StreetPunks81: i got a 79
monger di morte: so did i
StreetPunks81: \m/
monger di morte: haha
StreetPunks81: rock n roll i guess
StreetPunks81: i shoulda did better but im lame about studying
monger di morte: so, how do i know this is "the steven kurta"
StreetPunks81: hmm
StreetPunks81: well u have this rad breakfast club t shirt
StreetPunks81: i guess check my gay profile
monger di morte: you know who evelyn is?
StreetPunks81: is that u
StreetPunks81: dorsea's
monger di morte: yep
monger di morte: haha
StreetPunks81: hahahhaha
StreetPunks81: yea we should go to the angelika and look in the zagat's guide for a dorsea's in houston lol
monger di morte: hehe
StreetPunks81: yea its one of my fav films
StreetPunks81: christian blae was great
StreetPunks81: bale*
StreetPunks81: more of a dark comedy
StreetPunks81: but people see more of the horror side to it
monger di morte: i have never watched it all the way through.. a friend was obsessed w/ it .. and used the alias patrick bateman
StreetPunks81: ha
StreetPunks81: sheesh
monger di morte: this is too weird
StreetPunks81: hahahha
StreetPunks81: ahh come on
StreetPunks81: its interesting
monger di morte: no i just cant believe it
StreetPunks81: hey we can pretend this never happened
monger di morte: no no!
StreetPunks81: and next time i see u
StreetPunks81: i'll trip
monger di morte: haha
StreetPunks81: and like say hi im steven
monger di morte: ok
StreetPunks81: ughh no
StreetPunks81: or if i see u at the college cafeteria
StreetPunks81: i can pull a line from saved by the bell
monger di morte: i never go in there
monger di morte: hahaha
monger di morte: ick
StreetPunks81: me neither
StreetPunks81: i can be oh they fair karly
monger di morte: Carly
StreetPunks81: to be thy straw
StreetPunks81: sorry
StreetPunks81: Carly
monger di morte: its ok
StreetPunks81: risk drowning in a see of cola only to touch they fair lips
StreetPunks81: sea!
StreetPunks81: sea*
StreetPunks81: blah sorry
monger di morte: my band will have to play a show w/ yours someday
monger di morte: hehe
StreetPunks81: then u can slap me and say whatever get a life
StreetPunks81: and then i'll go sit with fatty, sideburns lady, and the mutants at table 9
monger di morte: hahahha
monger di morte: i'm going to call you stevie wonderbread
monger di morte: is that ok
StreetPunks81: yea
StreetPunks81: definitely
monger di morte: i always give people i know some nickname w/ some type of food
StreetPunks81: i'd actually like to hang with u soon if i havent scared u yet
monger di morte: you haven't scared me.. i mean c'mon i wrote weird messages on your website
StreetPunks81: so yer in a band???
monger di morte: yep
StreetPunks81: ::droolls::
monger di morte: i play guitar and sing
StreetPunks81: hmmm musician
StreetPunks81: awesome
monger di morte: were just getting it together though
StreetPunks81: cool
monger di morte: gently with a chainsaw
StreetPunks81: can u play keyboards
monger di morte: no.
StreetPunks81: ahh no murder city devils cover band
StreetPunks81: just kidding
monger di morte: heh
StreetPunks81: we could have played i just died in your arms tonite by cutting crew
monger di morte: oh lord
StreetPunks81: what
monger di morte: that song
StreetPunks81: hahahha
StreetPunks81: u have a mental picture of will ferrel playing it at a wedding huh
monger di morte: hahaha. yeah
monger di morte: what are you doing ?
StreetPunks81: about to go to work
StreetPunks81: like in 3 min
monger di morte: ick
StreetPunks81: yea
StreetPunks81: sucks
monger di morte: i 've been fired from 2 jobs
monger di morte: the only 2 i have had
StreetPunks81: and i work at this lame place but i can do homework there so its cool
StreetPunks81: wah wah
StreetPunks81: thats not wah wah like a baby
monger di morte: where do you work?
StreetPunks81: but u know the sad sound like when u get turned down
StreetPunks81: at a gas station booth thingy
monger di morte: sounds fun
StreetPunks81: my co worker calls me randall
monger di morte: like from clerks!
StreetPunks81: yea
StreetPunks81: cuz im a dick
monger di morte: tsktsk
StreetPunks81: anyways
StreetPunks81: yea its in la porte
StreetPunks81: at kroger's
monger di morte: you should call me sometime
StreetPunks81: ha i feel like im playin a part of keannu reeves
StreetPunks81: workin there
StreetPunks81: like i should be sayin shea and fer shure
monger di morte: hahah.
StreetPunks81: knock knock
monger di morte: i'm so nervous and i'm talking to you over the fucking interenet
monger di morte: who's there
StreetPunks81: can i have your phone no. please
StreetPunks81: hmm
monger di morte: of course cell 281-635-3637
StreetPunks81: i'll call u tonite if i get done studying for 2 tests i hve tomorrow
monger di morte: alrighty
StreetPunks81: at my work
StreetPunks81: hahaha
StreetPunks81: sorry this is too funny
monger di morte: yes it is
StreetPunks81: like i pictured i'd do this in person
StreetPunks81: and like get your no.on paper
StreetPunks81: and then yell yes!!!!!!!
monger di morte: haahahahh.. me too .. but i have no balls when it comes to talking to people
StreetPunks81: i heard my demo today yay
monger di morte: neat o
StreetPunks81: u have talked to my friend ryan huh
monger di morte: yes
StreetPunks81: ok
StreetPunks81: he told me about a obsessive groupie lol just kidding
monger di morte: uh!!
StreetPunks81: but he said some gal talked to him about me
monger di morte: i never even saw you guys play
StreetPunks81: i was like aww i was flattered
StreetPunks81: well if your not into thrashy stuff
StreetPunks81: u wont like it
StreetPunks81: like hardcorish and screams withbreakdowns
monger di morte: not like fucking screamo?
StreetPunks81: no!
monger di morte: ok thank god
StreetPunks81: crying is only for me on valentine's day listening to boys dont cry
StreetPunks81: i wanted to do that on v day but i dint
StreetPunks81: lie in bed with my all temperature
monger di morte: hahah..i atee a bunch of chocolate and pouted all day on vday.. b/c everyone was so mushy all day ..barf like fuck linda blair
StreetPunks81: sorry another wedding singer reference
StreetPunks81: hahha
StreetPunks81: do me a favor lyp sinc to pat benatar today and say steven wonderbread rocks
StreetPunks81: hahahha
monger di morte: hahaha
StreetPunks81: total eclipse of the heart
StreetPunks81: or i am the warrior
monger di morte: how bout to hole and i can put my leg up on something
StreetPunks81: awesome
StreetPunks81: anyways maam gotta go
monger di morte: alrighty
StreetPunks81: bunch of savages in this town
monger di morte: nice talking to you
StreetPunks81: see ya later alligator
monger di morte: later
StreetPunks81: yea nice FINALLY talkin to u
monger di morte: hehe..
current mood: blah
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Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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10:15 pm - don't tease me, please me
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hmm today was okay..i had fun hanging with steven today..went to gringos , taxi taxi, and soundwaves..i didn't buy anything..taxi taxi's selection kind of sucked..i want to go with my mom to leopard lounge and buffallo exchange b/c that's the only way i get clothes..i am so sexually frustrated it's not even funny.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: interpol-PDA
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Friday, September 19th, 2003
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10:29 pm - i need to get away
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today some lady was talking about how it is instinct in men to spread their seed as far as possible..it's like geez there's not much that seperate men from fucking animals...it makes me wonder if i should be lesbo or even care to be monogamous..but i think i found a guy i can trust
god, some times i just can't fucking stand my mom.. she's so moody..she always like bugs me on the weekend "where's steven? why does he only hang out with you on the week days? you should not let him get away with that shit..' ok it already bothers me enough that he hardly spends time with me on the weekend and then she's got to say something about it and make me more pissed and upset..she acts like i'm so passive and weak and i let him run all over me..obviously i'm not fun enough or important enough to spend any time with on the weekend..i understand he has lots of friends but i mean there should be a way to find time for me..i just don't feel i mean much to him or am that important ..when i tell him about the way i feel he just acts like i'm being ridiculous, obviously not when someone else is noticing
anywho, today i went to athena's for a bit and looked at her photos of me..she hasn't made me copies yet..there are some really good pics , i'm surprised..she made me three mix cd's and a copy of the white stripes elephant for posing for pics..all really good stuff.. very sweet of her to take the time..
current mood:  frustrated
current music: liz phair- fuck and run
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1:43 pm - i want a fake id
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i want a fake id but dont know anyone who can get one for me..today is finally friday..whew..this week has been stressful with tests and shit..i have no plans for this weekend which is how it usually is blah..i need to go thrift shopping and shopping for a new cell phone.. i dunno if it's verizon wireless or just my shitty ghetto phone but i'm always having problems with the range and receiving text messages..it's a fucking pain in the ass and when i call verizon service line they have fucking monkeys on the other end who know just about as much as i do about the phone..i want to wear my new red panty hose but i have no where to go..wah wah..
current mood: bored
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Thursday, September 18th, 2003
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4:31 pm - the h is o (the heat is on)
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tomorrow is friday, praise jesus..i have a test in botany and i don't want to study b/c i hate the class and plants are the most boring things on the planet..god today as i was pulling out of the parking lot two guys start walking slowly in front of my car and staring as they walk by..one of them has a gimp leg and hobbles around and then he waves and smiles really big and he has one or two teeth missing .. that was quite disturbing..this weekend i don't know what i'm going to do..athena mentioned something about going to orange with her to see her grandpa..i don't know if i want to take the trip there, i hate that town..i 'd rather just relax and go thrift store shopping for some purrty dresses..anywho, i think i'm going to start looking for a job for the holidays.. it's just so hard to find a decent job around here...i need to buy x-mas gifts and whatnot.. oh and i want to get a hotel to do some baby making in minus the babies...steven calls me a nympho hahah but really he's the strange one..i've never met a guy that has to be begged by his girlfriend for sex..i know, sounds like he's gay..oh and i'm going with miss athena to see the strokes november 7th to celebrate her birthday..you know what, i like when people say so-in-so is having a "meltdown" whenever like a child throws an outrageous temper tantrum.. if someone said that i was having a meltdown when i was that pisssed i think i would attack them..it just sounds so silly
current mood:  lazy
current music: rolling stones-19th nervous breakdown
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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7:34 pm - shake it like a polaroid picture
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grr i have not done much studying at all for art history and i have a test tomorrow..bad carly..well, i found one black man that i have found somewhat attractive and he makes pretty good music..it's Outkast..i really liked his new video for the song 'hey ya'.. i know i sound like a dork talking about this but it's the first sort of rap that i like..it's not just rap though..another reason i like it is b/c i can dance to it..
current mood:  impressed
current music: outkast-hey ya
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Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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8:31 pm - be cool my babies
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ahh i had a great day today.. after school steven came over and we watched t.v. for a bit then headed to the theatre to see matrix reloaded.. i thought the movie had too much fighting and was not nearly as good as the first matrix..pretty disappointing..then some old farts behind us kept talking really loud during the movie, even after steven repeatedly shussshed them..just being with steven today was the best..haha tried getting to second base at the theatre but he freaked out and started laughing..to top of the great day for dinner i had a bacon sandwich..aahh to die for..oh oh oh and new queer eye comes on tonight ..wooop woop..
current mood: relaxed
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Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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2:21 pm
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yesterday was pretty fun.. athena and i hung out.. we went and had dinner at the Taj Mahal and afterwards took some pictures for her photography class.. i got to wear her 20's dress and look all flapper like ..i hope they don't look horrible..we stayed up til three taking the damn pictures they better be decent..one of the indian waitresses at the taj mahal asked us if we were european..i thought that was odd, i've been asked that a couple of times before..
i need to get fucked or it's time to go look for a great vibrator..
current mood:  horny
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Friday, September 12th, 2003
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4:31 pm
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ahh , today was nice not having to wake up at 6:30... my mom made me stay home from school b/c the weather was really bad this morning..mr. steviewinks had botany all by himself today.. he called me to make sure i wasn't really sick or anything.. such a sweetie , i miss his sweet ass..it feels pretty nice outside for once, not as hot and humid..i want to see once upon a time in mexico and cabin fever..maybe i'll go see one tonight..oh athena called me the other day and she told me she's been studying for school all the time..we hung out and talked and she gave me lots of good advice.. it was nice to have someone to listen to my problems..she supposed to take pictures of me this weekend for her photography class..
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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6:09 pm
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jack white is really beautiful..i wish i had his skin its so porcelain looking..boys with dark hair and eyes make me weak in the knees..
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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