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A friend of mine said [24 Nov 2009|12:04pm]
junkybabe
[ mood | anxious ]

last nite me & a friend of mine that i use dope w/was talkn about how 1 of her ex boyfriends went thru this phase of drinkn & using dope & then she said that he "outgrew that phase" & moved on & now has a nice life & i just looked at her & said "You do realize that some of us never outgrow this right?" & she got really sad & said "Yeah"

Headin out the door, goin 2 score sum more.......

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Feeling good without dope! [24 Nov 2009|09:40am]
junkybabe
[ mood | hopeful ]

This really crazy thing is happening to me! For the past 2 mornings I have woken up feeling fine, been getting housework done finally & honestly I haven't been obsessing about getting & using dope like usual! It feels good! I've still been using everyday, but maybe this obsession is leaving me slowly but surely cuz that's how I feel, like the obsession to use drugs is slowly fading away.

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[23 Nov 2009|01:22pm]

lucky_lady3
i think i finally have a game plan...a long term goal..something to strive for, to work for, to live for. and its all for me and what i wanna do. i gotta figure this shit out....
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[22 Nov 2009|10:35pm]

lucky_lady3
I will cherish this love for the rest of my night.

Lord have mercy on my soul.
I've had a good run but I can't run anymore.
Just put me down.

Trust me, I'm still with you somewhere. I just wish it was here.
Someday I'm bound to feel guilty but now's not the time.
I'm sure I'll get what I'm due.
Everything will be fine.
Hell bent on finding the next fix in the fog.
You're in a cab on the way to your house. Change the locks.
I will cherish this love for the rest of the night.
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i fuckiing love shakespeare [19 Nov 2009|11:05pm]

lucky_lady3
Sonnet X

For shame! deny that thou bear'st love to any,
Who for thyself art so unprovident.
Grant, if thou wilt, thou art beloved of many,
But that thou none lovest is most evident;
For thou art so possess'd with murderous hate
That 'gainst thyself thou stick'st not to conspire.
Seeking that beauteous roof to ruinate
Which to repair should be thy chief desire.
O, change thy thought, that I may change my mind!
Shall hate be fairer lodged than gentle love?
Be, as thy presence is, gracious and kind,
Or to thyself at least kind-hearted prove:
Make thee another self, for love of me,
That beauty still may live in thine or thee.
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amazing... [19 Nov 2009|11:03pm]

lucky_lady3
A liquid prisoner pent in walls of glass
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Sonnet II William Shakespeare [19 Nov 2009|11:01pm]

lucky_lady3
When forty winters shall beseige thy brow,
And dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field,
Thy youth's proud livery, so gazed on now,
Will be a tatter'd weed, of small worth held:
Then being ask'd where all thy beauty lies,
Where all the treasure of thy lusty days,
To say, within thine own deep-sunken eyes,
Were an all-eating shame and thriftless praise.
How much more praise deserved thy beauty's use,
If thou couldst answer 'This fair child of mine
Shall sum my count and make my old excuse,'
Proving his beauty by succession thine!
This were to be new made when thou art old,
And see thy blood warm when thou feel'st it cold.
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[19 Nov 2009|10:48pm]

lucky_lady3
im crawling in my skin....i am at the edge..why...im missing out on alot...
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GRRR!!! [19 Nov 2009|09:42pm]
junkybabe
[ mood | depressed ]

things were going ok, not great, things weren't even good 2 start w/but that was expected i mean nobody just puts down their dope & their needle & gets *out there* & has this great life...i mean seriously, my life is a real fucking mess & everybody else i personally know who shoots dope like I do (yeah i said DO b/c as usual i fucking relapsed!!!) has this messed up life too! it sucks so bad & it seems like no matter how badly i want 2 stay clean off this fucking shit that i just can't do it & that just kills me inside, i hate it...wait, no scratch that, i really fucking hate this shit so fucking bad that i can't hardly even stand it anymore!!!!!!!! no happy person w/this good happy life sits around & starts shooting dope...i believe that there is always an underlying cause 4 ppl like me, the ppl who use & get hooked & their life get's totally jacked up & then there are the ppl like J who can take it or leave it, use 1 day then not even want/need it the next day, do some 4 a couple days then just put it down like nothing...shit, that must be nice b/c honestly....i'm fucking miserable either way, on dope or off dope i'm just so fucking unhappy that it's unreal & i should do better b/c i have 3 kids & they need me & i love them so much & i just want 2 do better & put this fucking dope down 4 good, but man, it really has this strong hold on me & i pray my heart out but i still relapse & then that messes shit up even more!!! it's like a snake w/it's tail in it's mouth & man i want out of this shit so bad, but eventhough it feels like i want this more than anything maybe i just don't want it bad enuff...or probably more like i'm just not strong enuff 2 fight it, this is a really big fucking monster here & i feel so damn weak & it seems like no matter what i just can't win this fight & even if i do win the fight like i've only had 8 days clean since August so if you look at the whole big picture of things, i'm losing this war really bad here & it's killing me, it's ruining me, my body, my life, my health, my soul, everything!!!!!!!! man, i need some serious help, but i don't know what 2 do & i guess maybe i just give in b/c of the bad withdrawal pains so it's *easier* 2 just shoot my dope & feel relief i guess, i don't know.

i knew that this was gonna happen, it always does!!!

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[19 Nov 2009|08:31pm]

lucky_lady3
everything just feels backwards, wrong and terrible.
i hate this all....
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relax... [18 Nov 2009|11:40am]

lucky_lady3
i need to figure things out. but first, i need to help and figure out myself. im just a lost soul floating around, not on any particular path or guidance. i have started to get on track but of course it cant be done without some huge problem or issue getting in the way...i need to make a list of the most important things that need to be done right away....but its hard because the number one slot could be used 3 times over...
bah.....
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[18 Nov 2009|10:43am]

lucky_lady3
wtf am i gonna do in such a short amount of time...i need a miracle...
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http://www.nfl.com/news/story?id=09000d5d8144712f&template=with-video-with-comments&confirm=true&tem [17 Nov 2009|03:04pm]

lucky_lady3
Bills fire Jauron after dismal 3-6 start


The Buffalo Bills have fired coach Dick Jauron, a team source told NFL Network's Jason La Canfora.

Defensive coordinator Perry Fewell is expected to become the Bills' interim head coach, a Bills source told NFL.com's Vic Carucci.



well...this is frickin interesting....
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[15 Nov 2009|07:33pm]

lucky_lady3
baby, i told myself that i'll be fine but it's a lie.
i don't want to talk about it.
and memories, oh, they cut like knives deep inside
i'm falling, baby, catch me if you can.
what's holding me back is the thought of time we never had
and i will take it by three words that i can't bear to say.
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[15 Nov 2009|07:12pm]

lucky_lady3
blowing my brains on the wall doesnt sound half bad right about now....
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[14 Nov 2009|07:06pm]

lucky_lady3
And now I'm itching for the tall grass.
And longing for the breeze.
I need to step outside,
just to see if I can breathe.
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[14 Nov 2009|06:58pm]

lucky_lady3
words cannot articulate how i feel about the new everytime i die dvd and cd. best 20 bucks i spent in a long time x
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48 random things survey [14 Nov 2009|12:47am]
junkybabe
[ mood | lazy ]

48 of the most random things you probably never needed to know about someone. REPOST WITH YOUR ANSWERS

1. Your name spelled backwards?: idnarb (that sounds stupid lol)

2. Where were your parents born?: Kentucky

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: aint no rest for the wicked by cage the elephant

4. What's your favorite resteraunt?: Hmmm...i dunno lol, i like a lotta different places

5. Last time you swam in a pool?: a cpl summers ago

6. Have you ever been in a school play?: in elementary school

7. How many kids do you want?: i have 3 already

8. music you DISLIKE most?: country 4 sure

9. Are you registered to vote?: yep

10. Do you have cable?: yep

11. Ever prank-called anybody?: haha, yes, but not since caller ID became really popular lol

12. Best friend?: yep lol

13. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: yes, both would be awesome

14. Furthest place you ever traveled?: Austin, Tx

15. Do you have a garden?: no, but i would like that

16. What's your favorite comic strip?: i haven't read those in a long ass time lol

17. Do you really know all the words to the national anthem? yes

18. Bath or Shower, morning or night?: depends on my mood

19. Best movie you've seen in the past month?: Spun, i ordered it online b/c none of the movie stores here had it 4 me 2 rent. it's a drug movie, it's pretty wild lol (btw, ummm i need it back now tammy!)

20. Favorite pizza toppings?: lots of cheese, pepperonis, bacon, ham, banana peppers, olives

21. Chips or popcorn?: either

22. What color lipstick do you usually wear?: i usually wear lip gloss, i like sparkley pinks or just clear glosses that make my lips nice n shiney lol

23. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: ummm no...lmao, why would I do that, that's stupid

24. Orange Juice or apple?: probably OJ, it's pretty tasty lol, but then again, so is apple..hmm, either then lol

25. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with? my ex bf Rusty b4 he went 2 jail

26. Favorite type chocolate bar?: carmellos are awesome & i like butterfingers too lol

27.When was the last time you voted at the poll?: at the last election duhhhhhhhh lol

28. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?: this past summer, mmm, their so good like that

29. Have you ever won a trophy?: nope, i suck at sports stuff lol

30. Are you a good cook?: sum ppl say yes, others say it's ok, depends on the person i guess cuz it's a matter of opinion, not fact lol haha! i think i can be though...don't really like cooking though...lazzzyy i know

31. Do you know how to pump your own gas?: no, my butler dude that follows me everywhere & does everything except wipe my ass does...lmao, of course i pump my own gas, durrrrrrrrrr


32. Ever ordered from an infomercial?: yes

33. Sprite or Coke?: coke

34. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?: yes

35. Last thing you bought at a Walgreens?: i have never even been in a walgreens store...there are none in my town 4 me 2 go to sooooooo

36. Ever thrown up in public?: omg yes when i was pregnant w/my 1st daughter, i got outta the car & got morning sickness right there in the grocery store parking lot...it was gross, but ppl understood cuz my belly was huge already so they didn't pay much attn 2 me lol

37. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?: hmmm, how bout finding true love w/a person that is already a millionaire lol hahah...that would work right

38. Do you believe in love at first sight?: not really, but i do believe in lust at 1st sight that we sometimes maybe mistake 4 love

39. Can ex's be just friends?: yeah, but it's harder 4 certain ppl. me & my ex hubby get along better now than we ever have lol

40. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?: my aunt...she won't even talk 2 me now b/c of my cousins drug use...wtf

41. Did you have a lot of hair as a baby?: i dunno, ask my momma lol

42. What message is on your voicemail?: dunno, haven't checked it yet

43. Where would you like to go?: tons of places, 2 many 2 name (almost anywhere but here in GC)

44. What was the name of your first pet?: i don't remember, i was like 5 or something lol

45. What kinda backpack do u have, and what's in it?: i have a denim backpack that's like 10 yrs old, maybe older that we use 4 the babys diaper bag lol

46. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex?: SB, known him 4 a long ass time, we've always been really good friends, we still are =)

47. What is one thing you are grateful for today?: life

48. What do you think about most?: hmm... probably school

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[13 Nov 2009|03:27pm]

lucky_lady3
Didn't get so lucky today...how do I always get conned into this shit....last time enuff said
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this heart can only handle so much... [13 Nov 2009|08:58am]

lucky_lady3
i can only glue and mend so much before it becomes nonfunctional. im falling apart more and more each day i really dont know how im going to make it through this winter. i have a terrible role model and absolutely no help with fucking anything...lets bitch at you about this but not help you, esp with something that i fully 100% need help with. like god im so sick of this bitching and yet im getting the business taken care of that i need done the best that i can and oh shit look at that its getting done! no foolin schools all in order, the job hrs are good and going up thru holiday season so the income and saving will be better but the problem i have is where im supposed to live and my lack of mobility. why cant i get any help with this?! I WANT TO!! i want to get out and practice everyday for 20-30 min but i cant just pull a car outta my ass and do this alone! my dad is only so much help cuz hes fuckin crazy and schedules mostly are hard to compromise. and god sakes dont get me started on my mom..its great to have two crazy parents honestly, what does that make me super duper crazy doomed?! its such a struggle everyday, mentally, physically, emotionally...i really do still need to bulk up and just keep a steady head that i have somewhat maintained and bah just do this!
ok whew i feel better i released this and im talking to a friend...and she just made my morning with this one: "and im too damn poor to care". ah tesa. i gotta pay a visit soon for shore.

ok time to start preparing for take off haha
xJG
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