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Justine's Journal
So I'm sitting here on my rusty coloured couch.
Pondering the facts of life and the weird stuff, like why I would ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? And why things are always easier for me to do when I do them last minute. And why whenever I get close to quitting I snap out of it and get my shit together.
Who really knows why we are the way we are? If there is a God I doubt even he knows.
Maybe our mom's know the answer.
I'm going to ask mine.
This summer has been evaporating, and I've been standing here, watching it. Who ever came up with that saying, "a watched pot never boils..." is wrong, because there is nothing anyone can do to stop time from going by.
So I've spent a majority of my time thinking about my life. And the people in it. And I've been working and trying to save a couple bucks from paycheck to paycheck... and yea... that shit doesn't work.
I'm basically a spendaholic.
and apparently a nympho.
I had sex four times today. I came twice. I know what you're thinking... Tom Rampbell?
Nope
Not even close.
remember bile?
thaaaaat's the one.
and I was kind of almost done my rag, but not completely, and I may or may not have made a mess on his comforter. ...
It just seems like everyman in the world wants to have sex with me, now that I'm a sex haver.
I don't know if I should maintain my ... whatever.. self respect?
But i can respect myself and still have sex with various partners.. right?
AH. I don't know.
I just want to live a little. I want to know a little about sex and stuff. I just want to be normal.
You know what's disgusting?
Even though Kyle Who hasn't spoken to me in months, and I'm pretty sure he never will again...
I still want to see him someday. If not to be with him, just to show him that i'm real.
I'm more real then he'll ever know, and that's a shame.
How appropriate this entry be titled so...
Last night I went on my third date with a man, let's call him.. Tom Rampbell.
Tom and I have been talking almost everyday since March.
He's smart, interesting... too old for me (which makes me like him more) and a ginger.
(We all know how I love those gingers...)
So on this date, the third date... it was really the third time I had ever hung out with him face to face.
(fuck the internet for making me so comfortable with being distant)
SO I really did not think he liked me in that way, or felt sexually attracted to me or anything, basically because he just... seems too mature. I mean, when you think of all the relationships he has probably had...
and all the people that have come and gone in his life... I am just another one.
Here I am, and someday I will slip away too. Just like everyone else.
So when he started kissing my neck I couldn't help but feel this small sense of triumph.
This man, who has seen more, learned more and known more of the word than I have in every way, is here, kissing me.
Me! A simple nobody. A young, foolish girl, who held on to her virginity hoping that if she tried hard enough, she could turn sex into love.
But that girl is lost now, along with my virginity that I more then willingly gave to an unknowing Tom Rampbell last night in his bed.
Of the sexual experiences I have had, I can always remember the one point in the night, where I say no.
I've said no so many times, if no's were bricks, I would have a.. large pile of bricks. (Let's be realistic, I wouldn't know how to build a house).
And last night that point came and went, because I finally thought to myself.. enough no.
Let's see what yes feels like.
And it felt alright. Not good. Not bad. Just...alright.
Kind of like when something happens to you and someone asks how you are. You say "I'll be alright."
Alright and All right are two very different things... to me anyway.
I feel a little ridiculous. I feel a little giggly (maybe from the lack of sleep).
But I also feel indifferent.
This scares me, because for so long, I had put so much belief in sex. Now I don't know what I believe.
But I know what I feel. And that is nothing.
Goodnight Tom Rampbell. You were my first.
I finished my first year of college on the 17th of April.
done.
done like dinner.
i now have 4 months to do nothing but work at tim hortons, wish i had a boyfriend, and save my money for something cool that I will one day be able to afford.
Oh and I can't stop breaking out?
whoopie...
love having gross skin.
don't I get to grow out of this?
that's what i thought.
atleast I don't have gerd...
geeerrrrd
SO I just finished a 13 hour shift...
and I am tired, and I wish that I had someone to talk to.
Kyle Bile and I made up today, I don't really know what's going on with us.
We might be friends, I know I never ever want to date him, because he's obviously not right for me.
because he's a huge drama queen.
Or is he?
I've been thinking about it, and he just felt like when he heard about there being another guy, he just... was like... fuck it.
and never wanted to see me again.
But like.. secretly did, just like I secretly want Travis to want to see me again.
But Kyle and I have alot in common really, because we both want these people, who never really loved us to begin with, to return to us... like they were ours...
Anyway, I am going to need to sleep, if i want to re-coop from the.. LONGEST FUCKING DAY EVER.
peace
My own brilliance is astounding. :P
My coffee is gross...
Or maybe it's my mouth?
I feel like i'm separating the taste of coffee and cream... and it's like having them both, in my mouth... but not tasting them together
It's pretty gross....
OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!!!
I just figured something out. And it feels good, so very good.
Now I just need to find that edition of the chronicle OH WAIT
IT'S IN MY BACKPAAAAAACK.
I am actually... truly a genius...
I just keep subconciously doing things and they work out for the absolute BEST.
FUCK YES
life is good today
and yesterday...
what is up with this??
I'm not used to this. MAYBE im growing up??
let us hope so.
I wish I would stop getting retarded group invites.. and quizzes on my FB
i just want to slap them.
slap them silly.
I've never slapped anyone silly... I've never been in a fight...
I'm a lover, not a fighter...
It's working out good though.... I think if I were ever faced with a fight... I would turn and run away.
and if they chases me??
I'D JUST KEEP RUNNING.
because fuck that, whenever there's a fight, everyone else always wants a piece of the violence/action.
Disgusting? yes. Un-ethical? most certainly. Does it really happen?
I've seen it.
anywayyyyyyyyyyy
cheers. cheers to me and to you. and to all the people you care about. Because WE DESERVE A GOOD STIFF DRINK. maahahaa
Kyle Who talked to me yesterday....
and today? I am the most ambitious woman I know...
I went to a meeting for the RNAO, interviewed a bunch of people there, and then went on to interview their executive director...
They liked me so much that the ED suggested I make my placement in their communications section.
That's a ways off but, I feel amazing.
I feel like, today I looked in the mirror, and for the first time I saw someone different.
I saw a confident, beautiful, smart woman looking back at me.
She was fearless and strong, and easy to talk to.
I was brave today.
You know what it reminded me of?
The feeling of accomplishment I have after I hook up with a guy, even though depression follows shortly after when I realize that was all it will ever be.. a meaningless hook-up...
But immediately after, I always feel fearless.
I feel proud of myself, because I know how hard it is for me to be normal when I'm nervous and I know how scared I am of people in general.
That feeling is what makes me believe that there is more to everything.
Alot of the time I look at life like it's a predictable, empty sort of space.
You know what happens, happens to everyone, and it prevents you from feeling special or individual in any way. But it's after days like this, when I woke up at a decent time, did what I had to do, talked to the people I should have talked to, and then went and actually did something.... It's days like this that I really feel like I made the right choice, becoming a journalist.
You know what?
This is better then getting my nut, isn't that crazy?
Succeeding in my schooling makes me happier than any man could ever dream of doing.
And you know what else?
Kyle Who told me that I know him last night. He loves me. Or he knows that there is the potential to love me.
And to think I had just dropped the idea of him. I had just decided that this guy, all the way in fucking Rotterdam wasn't worth me over analyzing and stressing about whether or not he was as into me as I was him.
And here he comes, saying all those things that you wish a man would say to you atleast once in your life.
But that's his style, I lose hope and he restores it.
It's kind of beautiful in a sad, 'things will never actually be what we want' sort of way...
Anyway, I have to sleep, I've got 8 a.m. class and I don't want to be late :)
One last thing,
Believe in yourself. That is all there is. Believe in you, and you will be happy in the end.
Today I found myself staring failure in the face.
What bothers me the most is not the fact that I failed, because I left this for so long, but the fact that I had lied to myself. I told myself I would have time, and that I would do it.
I let myself down, because as of this moment no one knows but me.
Other people will find out, but I find myself caring less and less.
This indifference is scary to me, because I know me... And the me that I know doesn't go up and down....
The me I know, goes down down down. And it takes an awful lot of work to get myself back to where I should be.
No one looked at me today.
I wore a cleavage baring shirt, and tight skinny jeans.
I tried to make myself look pretty for them, whoever they are.
The potential lookers.
But NO one has looked at me today.
People tell me I should smile more.
It's easier said than done. I don't want to fight with my self anymore.
I don't want to stress about school, or about God, or about my family anymore.
I want to believe in God.
and I want to believe in myself.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
And I don't want to cry anymore, for fuck sakes, it's getting pathetic.
I'm not missing a limb, i'm not terminally ill.
But somehow I find things just as painful.
I need a good hug...
Yea, that's what I need.
I haven't had someone just hug me for a long time.
I need that right now.
I think I'm going to masturbate, call the cops, write a story about it and then go to work.
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DAY TO ME.