User:	cailet25
	Date:	2008-05-13 20:32
	Subject:	Aught.
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	weird

It has been my intention to refer to the years in this decade as "Aught [number]" when I refer to them in retrospect. So, if you catch me calling a year in this decade as 2006 or something similar, please remind me that it should be Aught-Six.

Thank you!

User:	shiloh_hill
Date:	2008-05-13 01:29
Subject:	LIFE GOES ON...
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

hi gang! I know. You all probably think i fell off the face of the earth. I have not forgotten you by any means. Life has just become terribly busy and getting on the pc has not been one of my priorities lately.

billy and i are getting married at 10 a.m. the 24th. the irony of it is that my ex-husband is getting married THIS weekend. ha ha! we're having a huge trailride and campout the weekend of our wedding. I think it's going to turn out just fine. i'm nervous about getting married again. i love billy. don't get me wrong. if it were anyone else but billy i would not be getting married. but i feel that billy and i are destined to be together.

amanda ... well she got custody of her two boys afterall. simply because james failed his drug test at court. we borrowed $3000 against my truck and tractor to hire our lawyer. i won't do that again, but i just couldn't sit back and watch her lose the children because she couldn't afford a lawyer. i had to do something. but it's the last i'll be able to do. from here on out she's on her own.

she now has a "life partner". i never imagined my daughter being lesbian. i'm not homophobic by any means. it's just that she has never shown a propensity for being at all, then suddendly she's involved with a woman 18 years her senior. i just don't know what to think of it is all.

my son, nate is coming up to the wedding to give me away. manda is going to stand with me as my maid of honor. we're going to have a big covered wagon that we're going to get married behind then ride off in after we've said "i do".

the grand babies are all growing so much. nate's is a year old now. manda's is a year old and 3 yrs old. i tried baby sitting recently but just don't have the nerves for it anymore. i finally had to tell manda i can't babysit anymore. i can handle the eldest boy of 3. but it's the baby i have trouble with. into everything & can't yet talk. I was a basket case by the end of my day with him.

jubilee is completely out of commission now. she kicked at another horse and caught her hind foot in the fence & tore down 30 ft of fencing and a water line. she tore a muscle in her hip and now walks with a tilted pelvis. she is completely lame and unridable for up to 8 months. mama horse & shakota are my two reliables now. but i'm also riding sunny a lot. sunny is my friend's horse, a missouri foxtrotter that i just adore. he's very spirited & is a huge palomino. it takes everything i have to just be able to get on him. he's that big.

I've bought a little Tennessee Walker of 1 1/2 months old. the guy brought him and his mama over here and i'm working with her too. her ears are very sensitive and i'm trying to get her where she will let her ears be handled. i've named my little walker....Cash's Little Ace of Spades.... & just call him Ace. he's a black colt with two white back stockings, a white star on his forehead, and a white snip on his nose. he's a pretty little guy.. his mama will stay with us until time to wean my baby. mama and daddy are both black and white paints. but the colt came out black.

kyou've heard me mention a horse that ronnie and i had named shiloh. when we divorced, ronnie took shiloh and the two donkeys. well he didn't take care of him and shiloh died of colic. shiloh was a large black arabian cross.

Life just goes on. it's 2 am & I can't sleep tonight. dont' have my meds so it's an insomniac night. my sister's coming over tomorrow to help me clean this house and get ready to clean house before the wedding. then i've got to start brush-hogging & also disc up the arena.

well, i'll go now. take care. i'll try not to be so long in posting next time. take care. i've really missed you guys.
always.....Lynda

	User:	thebookofmylife
	Date:	2008-05-12 23:53
	Subject:	Mother's Day Weekend...
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	loved
	Music:	The Traffic on the Highway

I had a really good Mothers day this year...!! It was calm and relaxing and I got to spend time with all my kids and my grandbaby too...!! I also got to spend time with my Mom and sister and her son...and some of my sons friends that have been around about forever...!! It was good...!!

Saturday my Mom and sister had a small BBQ at their place. I wasnt sure that I wanted to go-every time we go over there...there is drama of some sort. And, well lets face it, my sister isnt the nicest person in the world and she makes get togethers a strain most of the time.

This time it wasnt too bad....other then my sister was on a bitch at her son for another stupid thing that he did the night B4. Im not going to go into details, but I will say that he told his Mom he was going to stay at his Dads for the night and then go to work the next morning....but ended up going to a party in a city over and hour away, getting pulled over not once but twice (and getting a ticket once)....and having the car searched cuz they had had to break the steering column out cuz he lost the keys and didnt want to call his Mom to bring him the spare keys. DUH...!!

Anyways, we came in to her YELLING at him....and when I was leaving she was again YELLING at him. Oh what fun....lol

The BBQ started at 4pm.....Robbie, Paige and I were there on time....Saima showed up a bit later cuz she had to work and Dustin and Steve (D's friend) showed up just after Saima did. Brandon and Brayden showed up a bit later...and then Doogie and Ziggy showed up shortly after that. Oh, I forgot about Derek...who showed up shortly after Robbie started cooking the burgers....I think he could smell the food at his Moms house....LOL

We had a house-full......or a yrd full.....but it was nice. Many of the kids that were there have been around for years and are good friends to my sons.

It was good to be able to see Brayden.....unfortunately, Brandon and Stephanie have spilt up and we dont get to see Brayden very much. Brandon is going to hire an attorney to get his rights legal through the courts. I think its very wise of him, especially after the shit that Steph has started to pull. She went into Brandons apartment and cleaned out everything, all the baby things, leaving Brandon with nothing for when Brayden comes to visit. So....we are going to have a baby shower for Brandon....I am excited and will write more about that later.

I was able to get some pics....and am going to post a few of them here....

~Robbie and my sister...grilling and setting the buffet table~

~Derek~

~My Mom and her Boobies Rock Shirt for Breast Cancer~

~Paige looking for the little lady bug on the dandilion~

~Me with Baby Brayden...behind us is Doogie and Ziggy~

~Brandon~

~Robbie...the Master Griller~

~A special moment bewteen Gramms and Brayden~

~Sleeping baby~

~Auntie Paige and Brayden~

~Auntie Saima, Auntie Paige and Brayden~

~A Happy Little Guy~

~Happy Mother's Day~

============

	User:	dearyou_ (posted by piink0)
	Date:	2008-05-12 22:17
	Subject:	DEAR YOU!
	Security:	Public

okay first of all, you think your better then everyone. but your not, really. sorry.
you think your hot shit, BUT YOU AREN'T! so I'm not too sure who your fooling.


So just stop while your ahead..
HUGS AND KISSES!

(note: this isn't towards any users in this community)

	User:	dearyou_ (posted by emotion_alxless)
	Date:	2008-05-12 18:52
	Subject:	Dearest sister,
	Security:	Public

Theres no words to explain how you make me feel.
I keep thinking to just be glad I'm not a pathetic piece of shit like you and that you will be sorry one day.
But every time you explode, those thoughts are replaced with fuck you forever and ever and I wish you all the bad luck in the world.
I honestly don't think I believe in karma, but in your case it couldn't seem more real. Bad luck after bad luck is all you ever get...
And you deserve every. fucking. bit of it.

I don't mention you to hardly anyone. Most people don't even know I have a sister. How sad is that? If it were up to me I wouldn't.

Every morning when you wake up its like you deliberately look for something to be angry at. Every morning when I wake up I listen carefully to see if your pissed off about something, to see if your shouting about something, or stomping around through the house, or banging cupboards and doors.
Its like a cup of coffee to you. You can't wake up without your morning cup of 'infuriated'.
I think your anger is your sense of security. You can't feel in control unless you can find something to be pissed about and someone to terrorize with your anger.

Just when I start to think you're not gonna be a psycho anymore and that you are doing better, you explode and prove me completely wrong.
After 2 years of living with you, I'm just now starting to realize that you will never change. You have a sickness and you will remain sick for the rest of your life.
You will never "get better". Who knows, maybe its not your fault.
Maybe your brain really is diseased and theres just nothing you can do about it... unless of course you had it in you to seek fucking therapy...
which would never happen.
I don't think you even realize that you have a problem. You are blind to the fact that you are the only 37 year old that throws childish temper tantrums. You don't realize that you have the maturity of a 13 year old.
You don't realize that you are the only person your age that acts like you.

When will you learn that no one will ever feel sorry for you? You are by far the biggest hypocrit I have ever met.
You complain about the way people are and every single thing that you complain about is either how you currently are or how you used to be in the past or things that you do now or things that you did in the past.
It blows my mind that someone could be such a hypocrit to that extreme.
You lie about your past because your so ashamed of who you were and what you've done but yet you try to make other people feel bad when you've done the exact same things.
I find it so incredible that you can constantly complain about how much you work your ass off and how you have worked your ass off since you were 14.
Why? Because I'm pretty damn sure for as far back as I can remember, before we lived in Florida, you never had a mother fucking job.
Or hell, maybe you did work your ass off (before I was born) and just decided to spend all your money on drugs. Because you certainly have nothing to show for it now (including brain cells).

You just partied and fried your brains. You have bummed off our dad your ENTIRE adult life.
If you've been working your ass of since your were 14 like you said you have then surely you wouldn't be 37 years old and still living with and depending on your daddy for support.
Your just an immature, irresponsible little girl who feels sorry for herself and wants everyone else to feel sorry for you as well.
I work so hard, I work so hard. The world owes me this, the world owes me this. Chill the fuck out.
You wonder why your getting gray hairs. You can't ever just do anything without getting credit for it. Every single fucking thing you do has to be acknowledged by everyone.
The world just has to know what a hard worker you are.

It shocks me that anyone could be so jealous of me. I've been through complete hell in my life time. But you wouldn't know that because your too concerned with what everyone has done wrong to YOU.
Oh, and also because you were barely even apart of my life until just 3 years ago. And I believe the only reason that is, is out of jealousy.
I moved down to Florida with my dad because there was so much shit I had to get away from that was destorying me.
But you don't know about any of that. All you know is jealousy. I moved down here so you felt like if I could then you should be able to as well.

All you ever do is just talk and talk and talk about your problems, completely oblivious to the fact that your not the only one in the world with problems.
You can just reel on about your problems for 10 minutes and I could just sit there and not say a single word. Your so caught up with your self.
I only pretend to be interested in what your saying just because when your mad, the tension between us makes me nauseus. Quite frankly I could not give a fucking shit less about any of your problems. NOT ONE SINGLE PROBLEM OF YOURS DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT.
Yeah you get into some pretty shitty situations, and if it was anybody else I would feel bad. But there isn't any one in my life that I've felt less sympathy for.

I wasn't hiding your yogurt underneath something in the fridge so I could keep it for myself. I don't even eat yogurt for fuck sakes.
And if Dominick wants to give me a ring that he got out of a quarter machine and then decides he wants it back, I'll fucking give it back to him. He's fucking 4 years old. Thats just how little kids are.
I'm not gonna fuckin cry about it. Unlike you I don't keep tabs on what everyone in the world owes me. Yes his mother owes you money, but thats his mother. Not HIM.
You have serious fucking issues if you're going to hate a 4 year old just because his mother owes you money. The kid didn't fucking do anything wrong.

It amazes me that you can have so many fucking issues with so many fucking people. How can so many people screw you over?? I honestly think the problem lies within you.
Yes there are some shitty people in this world but it just seems like EVERYONE is out to screw you over but I really don't think its because their bad people, I think YOU are the bad one.
I think people screw you over because you deserve to be screwed over and they know it.
No matter how many people screw you over I will never be on your side. I may not necessarily be on their side, but I will most definately NEVER be on your side so stop talking to me about your fucking problems. I don't give a shit. At all.
I said it once and I'll say it again, YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET.

Everytime you explode I think to myself that this is the last straw. Fuck you, I'm not forgiving you this time. But the second you start speaking to me in a normal, sisterly tone of voice I forget all about what you did.
And I hate myself for it but I can't help it. It just feels so good when your not mad, when your being normal and not being a psycho.
Every time you fuck up I think Fuck you, I don't need you, it doesn't matter if we get along or not, it doesn't matter if were enemies.
But like I said, the second you start acting civilized again, my hostility for you washes away. I wish I could just stay mad at you forever and just tell you to fuck off but when your being nice and normal again its honestly like a thousand pounds of stress lifted off my shoulders.
You have no fucking idea the amount of stress that is released when your talking normal and not yelling. Its just such a fucking relief that I just can't help but forget about it.
I wish I could stay mad at you and not speak to you anymore but I want so badly for us to get along that your wrong-doings just instantly slip my mind when your back to normal again.
I'm seriously a little fucking traumatized by all that you've done. I think in ways I never used to think before. Negative ways. And it makes me sick that I could let such a pathetic human being do this to me.
After 2 years of living with you I'm JUST now starting to get used to what a fucking psychotic cunt you are. Your anger doesn't affect me as much as it used to. Like I said... you are sick and maybe you just can't help it.


Whatever. Fuck you anyways. You'll be sorry soon enough. I'll make sure of it.

	User:	cailet25
	Date:	2008-05-11 18:59
	Subject:	Oh, ho!
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	tired

I'm supposed to be rewriting my synopsis RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Naturally, I took a few minutes to put together an entry about scrambled tofu instead.

Now I've discovered the secret to why I haven't been updating this journal with quite the regularity as I used to; I haven't needed a reason to procrastinate from writing my fiction!

	User:	cailet25
	Date:	2008-05-11 18:44
	Subject:	Scrambled tofu!
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	tired

One of the first things I ever looked to cook as a child was eggs. Scrambled eggs, over-easy, hardboiled. I made them all. Frequently.

Then, somewhere around seventh grade, I started hating eggs. I don't know what happened. Just the idea of putting them in my mouth made me sick. I hated them so much that one day when I forgot my homework at home and started sobbing and sobbing in history that I was going to get a zero on the assignment -- WHICH WAS NO FAIR! because I'd done the work -- and was then taken to the school nurse, and eventually home, I came back to school and told my friends I'd gotten sick and my mom took me to the doctor who said I was allergic to eggs! A few of them seemed skeptical. In hindsight, I think it's because they all thought I had The Cramps and didn't want to admit to it or something.

I kept that lie going for the rest of my time at that school. At sleep overs, I'd have to stay away from the omelets. You know. Because of my allergy. (I'm not sure that I've ever eaten an omelet in my life. I learned to make them my senior year in high school. But I'd cook them only for others. I never even tasted them myself.)

But a little over a year ago, I had something called Scrambled Tofu at a little hippy-ish restaurant in Portland. It was delicious! It's like, all the stuff I've been missing out on with eggs all these years. But there are no eggs included! I told my sister about this concoction and she duplicated it for me last Mother's Day. And then again, this Mother's Day! Mmmm. So tasty.

(In case you're curious, she used firm tofu, sauteed red peppers, mushrooms, black olives, onion powder, garlic powder, and ground black pepper. All this was "scrambled" in a skillet until heated through, then topped with cheddar cheese.)

	User:	thebookofmylife
	Date:	2008-05-10 05:22
	Subject:	life...
	Security:	Public

My cousin died yesterday suddenly.....he had non-hodgkins lymphoma....he was Saimas age.

	User:	glaciercrow
	Date:	2008-05-09 07:55
	Subject:	Love Wheresgeorge.com!!
	Security:	Public

One Dollar Bill, Serial# C1257---8A Series: 2003A
This bill has travelled 4,431 Miles in 2 Yrs, 1 Day, 22 Hrs, 43 Mins at an average of 6.1 Miles per day.
It is now 1,453 Miles from its starting location

This list is in reverse-chronological order
*
08-May-08 09:10 PM Des Moines, IA 3 Days, 14 Mins 716 238
User's Note traveled from Charlotte, nc to des moines and stopped in a small bus station near tennessee. dont know the name of the town.
*
05-May-08 09:55 PM Clyde, NC 135 Days, 18 Hrs, 55 Mins 2,799 21
User's Note This is bill # 9,557 that I have entered.
Hits: #291
*
21-Dec-07 10:00 PM Juneau, AK 315 Days, 10 Hrs, 40 Mins 0.0 n/a
User's Note Used to pay juneau billiards league weekly dues. Will be deposited tomorrow or Monday. Crease down the middle, still looks strong!
*
09-Feb-07 11:20 AM Juneau, AK 188 Days, 17 Hrs, 29 Mins 7.5 0.04
User's Note Got this one at the Credit Union and gave it away there. It is in good condition. I can see that the serial numbers and series had been high lighted, it is fading a little bit, but still noticable. Cool stamps... :) See ya George!
*
04-Aug-06 06:51 PM Douglas, AK 88 Days, 23 Hrs, 24 Mins 908 10
User's Note Juneau, Alaska condition good
*
07-May-06 08:26 PM Auburn, WA
*

	User:	cailet25
	Date:	2008-05-08 22:10
	Subject:	Herbal Jazz Cigarette
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	tired

Another Nightmare of You post! Includes a baby story!

"Herbal Jazz Cigarette" - Track 5 on "Bang!" - happens to be my second-favorite NoY song. Part of the chorus goes like this:

I know, I know, I know
That I'm so crazy.
I know, I know, I know
Because you told me so


Since I listen to NoY quite frequently and know all the words to this song, I sing along when it's playing. Ella, who is almost two, likes to sing, too. She dances and gets all rowdy when this song, in particular, comes on. And she sings along in her little baby voice, "I know, I know, I know!"

So freaking adorable.

	User:	cailet25
	Date:	2008-05-08 21:34
	Subject:	Twitter?
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	nerdy

So, I know that people use Twitter for, like, posting updates or whatever. I don't know how it all works and I've been too lazy to look into it. (And my office firewalls against it, naturally.)

But now the members of Nightmare of You keep posting all these MySpace bulletins about their Twittering.

I... kind of want to know what they're up to all day long. [/hopeless dork]

	User:	glaciercrow
	Date:	2008-05-07 12:12
	Subject:	In the News
	Security:	Public

Bears slower than usual
Juneau's black bears seem to be sleeping in.

That's the read of Area Management Biologist Neil Barten of State Fish and Game who says it seems like the bears are slow to wake up.

"I think all of us would agree it's a pretty cold Spring and I think the bears are following suit."

He says they haven't heard of anything at this point, but he expects bear activity will pick up any day now. When they do wake up, Barten says they're going to be real hungry. He went out Tuesday in the Lemon Creek area and didn't like the look of it in some places where he saw garbage cans out next to homes. Local law only allows cans to go out on garbage pick up day. "People need to sharpen up this time of year," Barten says.

Spring King Derby leader at nearly 33 pounds
It's official. The new Spring King Derby leader tops out at nearly 33 pounds.

Norman Zura turned in his 32.9 pound King to Jerry's Meats about six Monday evening.

The other leading fish were also turned in to that weigh in station:

Noel Algarbre also turned in a 29.7 pound King Monday.
Thomas Aberle turned in a 29.36 pounder yesterday morning, (Tuesday)
Phillip Selleck turned in a 24.3 pounder Monday.
Chris Baldwin entered a 24.05 fish Tuesday.

Twenty-eight fish are on the list at last report.

The other check points are DeHarts and the Alaska Seafood Cannery.

The fishing continues until the end of the month. Entered fish must be gutted and gilled.
The tickets are $40 and are available at outlets all around town.
A complete list or prizes, rules and the latest standings among other information is on the web

AEL&P submits new proposal...new electric rate hike to apply after April 16 avalanches
Alaska Electric Light and Power is delaying sending out the month of May's bills until the Regulatory Commission of Alaska decides on the utility's latest filing.

AEL&P today (Tuesday) submitted an amended filing with the RCA to postpone implementation of the increased tariff so it applies only for power consumed after the April 16th avalanches.

In a written statement released tonight, AEL&P president Tim McLeod said the utility is taking the action to respond to the concerns of Juneau residents.

He said "Juneau consumers are rewriting the history books when it comes to energy conservation and it's only fair that they not pay the higher tariff for electricity consumed before the avalanche".

The filing requests RCA approval of the change by today. (Wednesday)

The emergency cost of power adjustment rate will be the same as previously approved, only the implementation date will change.

The avalanches knocked down two transmission towers and damaged several others interrupting the flow of power from the Snettisham hydroelectric dam.

Juneau delegation asks Palin to override decision of disaster cabinet
Juneau's legislative delegation is asking Governor Palin to reconsider the decision of her disaster cabinet that the Snettisham avalanche electricity crises does not qualify as a disaster.

In the letter sent to the governor yesterday (Monday), the delegation states that the cabinet's decision limits the definition of disaster too narrowly and precludes Palin from exercising the same latitude as previous governors and does not take into account any future decisions made by the federal government.

The delegation also notes that there were no written findings outlining what criteria the disaster cabinet used to make it's determination.

They say the failure to declare a state disaster limits the state's congressional delegation's ability to request federal aid.

The delegation is inviting Palin to meet with Juneau residents to find out first hand how the huge hike in electrical bills is effecting them.

The delegation notes that in 1997 Governor Tony Knowles declared a state disaster as a result of the Bristol Bay salmon run collapse.

Knowles declared the disaster based on a temporary economic setback for Bristol Bay fishermen and associated workers and businesses.

State assistance totaled more than 2 million dollars.

Draft report on Juneau Icefield landings to come out at public hearing Thursday
JUNEAU, Alaska (AP) - The Forest Service plans to release a draft report governing helicopters on the Juneau Icefield.

The draft will be released during a public hearing Thursday night.

Last year, the icefield had about 17,000 landings, even though 22,000 had been approved in a 2002 decision.

The agency is reviewing whether the data from 2002 is still valid.

The hearing is scheduled from 5 to 8 p.m. Thursday at the downtown public library.

NEW - Tripod tips in Nenana Ice Classic
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) - The tripod in the Nenana Ice Classic - Alaska's version of a lottery - has tipped over.

Contest officials say the tripod tipped at 10:53 p.m. Tuesday. Ice Classic manager Cherrie Forness says contest officials are still trying to determine how many winners there are - those people that down to the minute chose the correct time for when the ice on the Tanana River went out this year.

Once that is known, Forness says those people will be contacted with the good news.

This year's jackpot is over $303,000. It is slightly bigger than last year's - despite the pinch people are feeling from higher fuel and grocery prices.

Thousands of people pay $2.50 a ticket to guess what date and time to the minute a tripod set up on the Tanana River ice at Nenana, 55 miles south of Fairbanks, will move downstream and trip a clock that is wired to shore.

The Ice Classic is in its 92nd year.

	User:	thebookofmylife
	Date:	2008-05-05 10:40
	Subject:	Monday Monday....
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	confused
	Music:	The Cars on the Highway

My Mom and Dustin came over for dinner yesterday...and it turned out very nice. I was worried a bit by how Saima was going to be have, but she surpirzed me and was almost back to her normal self. She laughed and talked...and seemed to actually have a pretty good time....except it was obvious thst Paige was stressing her out.

Since I clean the house just about every day, there wasnt too much to do around here B4 my Mom got here. Paige and I did clean up our bedroom some...but we would have done that even if my Mom wasnt coming over. The bathroom needed to be picked up, but I didnt really worry too much about that. It was good enough for just a casual get together. If it had been a holiday or something, I would have cleane dit up totally.

For dinner I made marinated-grilled boneless chicken breasts, baked potatoes and a tossed salad with heart of romains. And for dessert, we had a yummy chocolate brownie, frosted and topped with fresh strawberrys and sauce. OMG..!! It was perfect...!!

My Mom stayed a couple hours...but decided to leave when Saima said she was going over to Joes. I had hoped that Mom would have stayed longer, I wanted to spend some time talking with her alone, but she didnt. I guess she took Saima saying she was leaving as her cue to leave also. I also think that she decided to leave after Saimas dogs got into a serious fight. That was scarey...!!

While I was out grilling the chicken, my Mom came out and we talked abit, but we couldnt really talk too much cuz the windows were open and I wasnt sure if anyone was listening in. It was good to talk to my Mom some...I miss that. Funny how that happens....when I lived a block from her and she would stop in all the time it made me crazy, but now that she is in another town, I miss talking to her.

I told Mom that we were planning to move to Niles in June...and she got very upset. I gave her a brief explaination as to why I have made the decision to move now, instead of waiting til after Robbie graduates. She was kind of at a loss for words, I think. I tol dher that Saima hadnt come right out and said that we needed to move, but I told her that Saimas actions have been screaming it at both Robbie and I. (I told her that Robbie even came to me and told me what he was feeling about Saimas behavior). I have always been taught that actions speak louder then words....and Saimas actions are speaking very loudly and in volumes.

After Mom left (she took Dustin back to fowlerville with her...and she took Robbie so that he could go to school from her house today)...Saima called Joe and he was being very crabby towards her. As we sat on the couch she said she wasnt sure if she wanted to go over to see him cuz of his mood. We sta on the couch a couple minutes...and one of her cats made a crash in the sun porch and we went in to see what he had done. LOL, he had knocked the table over trying to get out the screen and it scared the hell out of him. We cleaned up the mess he had made and she annoinced that she was indeed going to Joes for a while, that she needed to take his mower [arts over there and that she doubted she would be there long.

After she left I gave Paige a bath and we just kind of had some Mommy and Paige quiet time until it was time to go to bed at 8pm. She was exhausted and more then ready to go to bed. Once in bed....while Paige and I were all snuggled into the pillows and covies....she rolled over and looked at me and said, "Sissy isnt very nice anymore Mommy". I wanted to cry. You know its gotten pretty bad when the 4 yr old notices it too. I didnt know what to say to her about it...so I just told her that Sissy has stress right now and is confused about things. That Sissy is still nice and that she still loves her very much and that she is still Sissys favorite little sister...!! She smiled, but I could tell that she was still very confused about the whole thing....hugged me tight around my neck and said "I love you so much Mommy". I told her that I loved her with my whole heart.....and snuggeled her tight.

While I was putting Robbie to bed I got a call from GC and we talked for a while. Hes been such a good friend to me through-out the years. I will especially miss him when I move to Niles. I cant say too much about him and our friendship or the conversation we had due to his status in our community...if someone were to read this and figure out who he is, it could cause all kinds of problems for him.

After talking to GC I decided to call Robbie and tell him that he could stay home again today from school...just to make sure that things were calmed down with that boy that he got into a fight with. Its a long story that I dont think I have written about...and dont really want to at this point.

I didnt have to call Robbie, he called me while I was still on the phone, so I told him that he could stay home if he wanted to. He called Saima and told Saima to pick him up on her way back here. So, she called me to verify and I told ehr it was okay. While I Was still on the phone with GC, Saima and Robbie came home and Paige was still awake. UGH..!!I finally got Paige to sleep by 9:30pm.

When I came out of my bedroom....Saima was making her lunch for today cuz she had to be to work by 7am due to some meeting. When I went into the kitchen....we started into a conversation and she said soemthing about us moving and that if it was what I wanted to do, then she would be supportive, even if it wasnt what she wanted me to do. Can you say sudden change...??!!?? I didnt know what to say to her at that point...so I just simply said that she would enjoy the peace and quiet when we were gone.

She went to bed and I got online and talked to Darrin a bit about it...and he said that I need to sit down and talk to Saima about all of this, tell her what I am thinking and how I am feeling and all of that. I agree with that, but I dont really know how to do it. I mean, I dont want Saima to feel like she has to say something she doesnt really want. I dont want her to think that she has to let us stay here cuz I am her Mom or cuz that is what might be right or expected. I want her to be honest with me about what SHE wants....and I think that if I try to talk to her about it, she wont be honest with me.

I know how hard it can be with your MOm living with you as an adult...my Mom moved in with me when I was approx 23 yrs old. But my situation with my Mom was way different then mine with Saima. My Mom had kicked me out when I was 19 yrs old (2 months after Lauri had died) and I had nothing. When I was 21yrs old, she announced that she was going to sell her house in Fowlerville and move to the city cuz she could afford the bills. I offered to sell my place and move in with her and help her pay the bills so she could keep the old farm house (hell, her house payment was only 335/mo). She said no, she wanted to move to the city and put the house up for sale. I had suggested that she sell the house to me, I was paying more then her house payment for my mobile and lot payment alone....and she said no, that I couldnt afford the bills there and that she was asking too much for the house.

The house was sold and my Mom and sister packed up and moved to the city (Garden city to be exact). She bought a small house and they moved, leaving me in Fowlerville alone. I was okay with it...I was still mad at my Mom for kicking me out like she had.

A yr later, my Mom announced that she didnt like living in the city and that she wanted to move back to Fowlerville to be with her grand children (Saima and Brandon at that point). She said she wouldnt have too much money, that she had paid way too much for her new house and that she might only break even with the sale. So...I offered for her to move in with me and my kids.

She moved in with me....with the understanding that she would baby sit for me while I worked....and she wouldnt have to pay any money to me as long as she babysat for me. I was working alot at that time and was paying out way too much in daycare.

In the begining it worked out nice. My Mom watched my kids and I worked my ass off each day. She would clean the house and make meals and what not. It was the perfect solution for me at that point. But then she started telling me that she had plans and couldnt babysit. I would call and find someone to watch the kids and go to work and my Mom would go to her friends house and drink herself stupid til all hours of the night.

Several times she called at the last minute to tell me she wasnt going to be back to babysit and I had to scramble to find someone to watch the kids so I could go to work. Many times I had to call my boss and tell him I would be late...or not come in at all cuz I didnt have a baby sitter. (I was the manager at a pizza/party store). Finally my boss had had enough, and he told me if I didnt make it for my shift I was fired.....I lost my job cuz of my Mom.

At that point I told her that she needed to get a place of her own....and that I would do what I could to help her. She finally found the place that until last summer she had lived in since moving out of my place. It wasnt the best of places, but it was hers and she didnt have to live with me. There is, of course, more to this story, but I am not going to rehash it again. I have gotten past it and it has been setteled comfrtably in my past.

So....yeah, my situation with Saima is alot different then my situation was with my Mom.

Oh well....enough for now I think. It looks like its going to be a beautiful day in the neightbor-hood today...and I need to get some work done around here. Actually, there isnt too much that needs to be done, just basic picked up and straightening.

	User:	cailet25
	Date:	2008-05-04 18:34
	Subject:	Driving tempers.
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	tired

From as long ago as I can remember, my mom always had the road rage going on. She'd get pissed about whatever some other driver was doing and shout at them from safely inside our car. "Why don't you learn how to drive? Yeah, you. Idiot."

It was embarassing for me. And I'd feel sorry for the other person sometimes who was getting called "buddy" or "dumb broad" or whatever. Like, maybe they weren't such a bad person! They just made a mistake! Why judge them for this ONE little incident when they might be totally nice in other situations? Why all the hate?

But when I started driving, I understood. People out there are fricken IDIOTS! No joke. My own insults were more colorful. "Dickhead" was a favorite. For men and women! And then my younger sister would get embarrassed and feel sorry for the people. "Just because she cut you off doesn't mean she's a 'dickhead,' does it?"

Oh, yes. It did mean that. Totally.

But then Lindsey grew up and learned to drive. I think she might be the worst of the three of us for getting that hate on. She cusses, she honks the horn, she flips people off. Oh, my!

She doesn't do these things unprovoked or anything. Only when dumbass mother fuckers really deserve it, I'm sure. ;-)

	User:	thebookofmylife
	Date:	2008-05-03 10:41
	Subject:	More of the same...
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	depressed
	Music:	Some show Paige is watching

Well, things havent changed much since the last time I wrote. Saima is still being very distant from Robbie, Paige and I...spending all of her spare time with Joe at his folks place...with his folks there. Paige is getting mad at her cuz she is never here and even her dogs have started to become depressed cuz she is never here anymore.

I am just simply amazed at how Saima is behaving lately. Its like she is mad at Robbie, Paige and I for being here. I know that she no longer wants us here and is counting down the days that we move out in June. I had serious reservations about moving in here, but I had no idea it would go as bad as it has in such a short period due to Joe...!! No one can for that matter. I have talked with my Mom and sister and brother and they all say the same things. It has come as shocker to everyone.

So....its official, Robbie, Paige and I will be moving to Niles mid-June. Randy is buying his Moms house when she moves to Texas and we are going to move in with him.

I have a few reservations about moving so far away....nothing about Randy....but more about taking Robbie away from Fowlerville in his senior year, leaving Dustin here with no place to call home (if he decides not to come with me), and leaving Saima here with Joe-all alone.

I think the move will do us all alot of good (those of us who go, I mean). Change like that can be a very good thing, and I think it will be good to get away from here....from all the bad memories and such. The boys can get away from their father and the constant reminder that he doesnt want them in his life. The stigma of his last name and the way that people preceive them cuz of their last name. It will give them a new start.

And for me...it will be a brand new start with a new chapter of my life. There is so much negitivity here for me...that I just cant wait to get away form here. Dont get me wrong, I love Fowlerville....but there isnt much here for me anymore.

But, like I said....I am concerned about changing Robbies school during his senior year. I know that will be hard for him...even though I know he is a personable kind of kid and will make friends fast there. He has said that he wasnt sure about playing football his senior yr anyways. I know that he could play in Niles, if he wanted to....cuz we are considered "displaced" or "homeless"....so that would negate the semester policy.

As for Dustin, I have asked him if he would like to move to Niles with us......and his answer was, "what about my GF that lives in Grand Blanc"...?? Apparently he goes to GB once a week to see his GF and feels that Niles will be way too far away for that kind of trip. (Niles is 3 hrs from Fowlerville, GB is an hr from Fowlerville the other way). My answer was you can still go see her once or twice a month....but of course that wasnt good enough for him. He also mentioned that he needs to finish school too and that he will need to make 3 credits next yr to graduate. I told him that he could stay at Grammas place til he got those credits and then come to Niles. He said he would have to give it some thought. I told him I wanted to talk to him more about it soon.

In the begining, when I had said something to Saima about me and the kids moving to Niles, her response was NO WAY, you cant move that far away. Now, things have changed I guess cuz she wants to know when we plan to move. HA, nice, huh....!!

I have told her that she can have "visitation" with Paige alternating weekends or whatever. I also told her that Randy and I would meet her half way so that she didnt have to drive the whole way. She said she didnt think she could take Paige alternating weekends, but that when she had 2 days ina row off she would like to have Paige. My gut tells me that in the begining she will take Paige often, but that will taper off and she wont take her very often cuz of Joe.

I have mixed feelings about letting Paige spend too much time around Joe since I have seen first hand how he behaves towards Saima. I dont trust him not to do something stipud around Paige. Plus, the one and only time I let him watch her by himself since I moved in here (the day I went to court for my house), Paige ended up getting hurt. She has nurse-maids elbow and we have to be very careful with her arms. Well, when I got home she told me that Joe had pulled her by her arms and that she was hurt. He told me that he was playing with her and grabbed her by her arms and she got hurt. Of course, I have no idea if he did it in anger or not, but he knows about her arms and knows that he isnt supposed to pull her by her arms, so I dont know.

Anyways......

.....the tension here is thick. I feel completely uncomfortable here and it is very obvious that Saima doesnt want us here...and that she doesnt want to be here while we are here. She doesnt hardly say 2 words to either Robbie or I. She hasnt had dinner with us since Joe moved out (but she went out to dinner with Joe and his Mom). We dont talk-about anything. Hell, I dont even know what her schedule is anymore...and I always knew it even when I lived in my own house.

Okay, enough whinning about this.....cuz it isnt going to help anyways. Although, it does kind of help to get it off my chest, somewhat. I hope that the next month and a half doesnt ruin the relationship between Saima and I completely. I have a feeling it will do alot of damage though, and that hurts alot. It doesnt make much sense to move into an apartment for a month and a half though and I really have no place else to go. If I did, I would move now...to try to help save my relationship with Saima, but I dont. *sigh*

I am still having the panick attacks...but I am starting to be able to control them a bit. Robbie knows that I am having them, but no one else does. I just simply say that I have a headache and excuse myself to my bedroom. I have started sleeping alot more at night, very often I go to bed when Paige does and just stay in bed. Its easier then having to deal with my life and the issues right now. Plus, I figure that Saima doesnt want to be around me so I give her the space she is wanting.

Oh well, enough for now. I have invited my Mom over for dinner Sunday, so I need to get the house cleaned up. Ha, seems that all I do anymore, is clean and organize this house. Its an every day thing here. I try to concure one major thing each day. Although yesterday I just kind of let things go to the way side and I vegged all day. It was nice, but I hate feeling lazy like that. So now today I need to catch up from yesterday, cuz no one else did anything. No, I take that back, Robbie did sweep the floor and cleaned off the fireplace hearth...we had a fire the last couple nights cuz it was so cold.

	User:	glaciercrow
	Date:	2008-05-02 12:14
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

“Desire is half of life; indifference is half of death.”
-Kahlil Gibran

	User:	thebookofmylife
	Date:	2008-04-30 14:47
	Subject:	Panick Attacks
	Security:	Public

Ive started having panick attacks again. I havent had them in MANY years....since the boys were younger and I was still with Mike. I dont know how to stop them and I do not want to start taking meds again, I dont like the way they make me feel.

I just need to get the stress out of my life and find some peace and quiet once and for all.....

	User:	cailet25
	Date:	2008-04-30 10:36
	Subject:	If only it were real!
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	weird

I frequently receive emails about scholarships and grants I've been awarded, iPods I've won, free trips to Costa Rica, and the like.

I must be crazy because I simply delete these emails. Think of all the hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash and prizes I fail to collect every month. It's mind boggling!