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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
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6:46 pm - i got flowers today..
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so um, i dont know.
people are flocking away again. making plans and then forgetting leaving me feeling ditched and unimportant. i
t feels like this is how it's meant to be. how God wants it.
i was doubting things for a while, my little theory. until nick little prayed for a car accident and he got one ..until i prayed for weeks on end for adam and now he wants me back.
it's just so weird but maybe a little comforting that i'm not being completely ignored anymore. that there aren't any backs turned to me in heaven even though there are dozens down here.
so, in conclusion, i think God came back to me.
that's all.
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| Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
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4:10 pm - if you want.
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1. Give me your number?
2. Have sex with me?
3. Let me kiss you?
4. Watch a movie with me?
5. Let me take you out to dinner?
6. Drive me somewhere/anywhere?
7. Take a shower with me?
8. Be my bf/gf?
9. Have a fling with me?
10. Listen to me if I called you crying even if you were out with all of your friends?
11. Buy me a drink if i didnt have money?
12. Take me home for the night?
13. Would you let me sleep in your bed?
14. Sing car kareoke w/ me?
15. Sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
16. Re-post this for me to answer your questions?
17. Come pick me up at 3 am because I'm lost in the middle of nowhere?
18. Do you think im pretty, beautiful, or hot?
19. Do you like my style?
20. Do you think im funny?
21. Do you care about me?
22. Would you cry if i died?
23. Would you stop me if i tried to commit suicide?
24. Would you dance with me?
25. Would you sing happy birthday to me?
26. Tell me the truth about how i look?
27. Give me a hug if i needed it?
28. Call me on the phone just to say you love me?
29. Give up your life ,if it would save mine?
30. Keep a secret if i told you one?
31. Give me your jacket if i was really cold?
32. Would you let me cry on your shoulder even if i was crying over something you thought of as stupid?
i will add to this entry. since i feel like bitching. adam was being a bitch to me last night. the plan was that we stay friends but even when i talk to him its like he wants my pity or me to want him or something. i hate it. and i wish we could at least be friends but i dont know. he's obsessed with being rich, being popular, getting whatever car. is that really what i look for in a friend? le sigh.
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| Monday, November 29th, 2004
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10:17 pm - esackly
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thirteenxregrets: here you can have this back
thirteenxregrets: Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like will leave you for the one they love tonite ur true love will realize how much they love u b/t 1 and 4am tomorrow the shock of your life will occur if you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 years if you don't pass this on tot 15 people if you get this it means the person who sent it truly cares
crazychopstick88: no really
crazychopstick88: you can keep it
crazychopstick88: Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like will leave you for the one they love tonite ur true love will realize how much they love u b/t 1 and 4am tomorrow the shock of your life will occur if you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 years if you don't pass this on tot 15 people if you get this it means the person who sent it truly cares
thirteenxregrets: no i dont want it
thirteenxregrets: Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like will leave you for the one they love tonite ur true love will realize how much they love u b/t 1 and 4am tomorrow the shock of your life will occur if you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 years if you don't pass this on tot 15 people if you get this it means the person who sent it truly cares
crazychopstick88: but i picked it out just for you
crazychopstick88: please
crazychopstick88: Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like will leave you for the one they love tonite ur true love will realize how much they love u b/t 1 and 4am tomorrow the shock of your life will occur if you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 years if you don't pass this on tot 15 people if you get this it means the person who sent it truly cares
thirteenxregrets: well i dont like it
thirteenxregrets: Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like will leave you for the one they love tonite ur true love will realize how much they love u b/t 1 and 4am tomorrow the shock of your life will occur if you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 years if you don't pass this on tot 15 people if you get this it means the person who sent it truly cares
crazychopstick88: bitch
crazychopstick88: Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like will leave you for the one they love tonite ur true love will realize how much they love u b/t 1 and 4am tomorrow the shock of your life will occur if you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 years if you don't pass this on tot 15 people if you get this it means the person who sent it truly cares
thirteenxregrets: hoeDon't ever leave the one you love for the one you like cause the one you like will leave you for the one they love tonite ur true love will realize how much they love u b/t 1 and 4am tomorrow the shock of your life will occur if you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 years if you don't pass this on tot 15 people if you get this it means the person who sent it truly cares
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
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5:19 pm - Oh, You Are The Roots That Sleep Beneath My Feet And Hold The Earth In Place
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I met you through a common friend
in the attic of my parents' house
and though I didn't know it then
I soon was finding out
Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet
and hold the earth in place
Each time a faucet opens, words are spoken
that water runs away
and I hear your name
No, nothing has changed.
There was this book I read and loved, the story of a ship
who sails around the world and found that nothing else exists
Beyond his own two sails, and wooden shell
and what is held within
All else is sure to pass, we cluth and grasp
and debate what's truly permanent
But when the wind starts to shift
Well, there's no argument
Now, I sing and drink and sleep on floors
and try hard to be annoyed
by all these people worrying ..about me
So when I'm suffering through some awfule drive
You occasionally cross my mind
It's my hidden hope that you are still among them
Well are you?
Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet
and hold the earth in place
Each time a curtain opens, sunlight pours in
A lifetime melts away
And we share a name
On some picturesque grave
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, November 12th, 2004
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4:08 pm
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so the art party was last night and i dont know. everyone had at least a little fun and some others had too much fun. so we were at bitsy's just hanging out. it was bitsy, jenna, melanie, ana, steph, brent, and me. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ...it was fun. i know there was (as miss kozdron would say) a little bit of drama, but i tried to stay away from it. i think we're going to the mall tonight. so come.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
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5:56 pm
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if i help others, there will be not time for me to be selfish.
But the sweatshirt that I'm holding
isn't too big for me; it's mine.
And if, by chance, I would
just snag another shirt
I'd be twice the size.
Because there'sonly one with
the right size.
It's all that's in my
bloodshot eyes.
Well, take a break see
you next fall.
Just remember you're through with me.
And I'll do my best to
talk in class.
Try my hardest just to
be famous.
If i'm feeling fake or
get half baked
I'll remember you wanted that.
(i had a desaparecidos song stuck in my head today but I didn't like the words ..so i changed them.)
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| Sunday, November 7th, 2004
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10:22 am
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i've been praying way more than i ever have but this morning i didn't. but when i went downstairs the man on the tv set way saying, "don't give up. if God hasn't answered you in yet, its because he's still making the arrangements. its because he wants it to be almost perfect when he gives it to you." and i don't think that was on just out of coincidence. and so i prayed again.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 31st, 2004
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1:51 pm
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so tomorrow is november.
i just realized that i haven't been seein bethy or brittany half as much as i used to and it saddens me. i know, people change. and people make new friends. but does that mean we have to give up our old ones?
i hope not.
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| Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
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10:03 pm
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i just remembered..
so melanie sent me this report saying what she wanted to do when she gets out of high school and so i started thinking. and i hate thinking about leaving. because even though, at times, i absolutely despise being at school and being forced to be around people i can't stand, i have no idea what i'd do without it. summer is fun but i know it'd get old and i'd miss certain people way too much. and i would end up being um ..uneducated.
but ANYWAY. i don't know what i want to be for sure but it's pretty narrowed down. at first i wanted to be like my aunt. go to college and then write or whatever. be an editor or whatever she does.
i told my dad about that and he seemed really disappointed. he wants me to go to one of the paul mitchell uh ..beauty schools i guess? i don't know, i don't see how i can do other people's hair when i haven't done my own in so long. when i was little i could really do hair. i had my own lady and i would cut her hair in layers and such and then style it. and then my dad was all proud and he'd show it off. yep.
i don't know. my dad's friend is a psychiatrist. i was talking to my aunt about that ..studying human behavior and whatnot. i just think that'd be pretty cool even though my aunt said the classes suck because they are just so boring. see, i just think i'd understand most of the stuff seeing as i can figure out most things now. most of the things people do subconsciously actually stand out to me and i spend time to think about it. if i try hard enough, i bet i could be a lani garver.
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9:20 pm
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ah, i hate how i forget things. ummm ...well i just remembered, i'm having foods day with mr. blake, hah!
blah, i forgot what i wanted to say and it was REALLY important and i can't believe i forgot it i'm going to hang myself now bye.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, October 25th, 2004
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10:05 pm
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i can't concentrate on my homework but it needs to be done and i need to go to bed because i'm grumpy. xanga isn't working and i wanted to transfer my list of people i would like to marry into here BUT ..i can't do that. so. suffer.
i guess a lot of people have been saying this, but i absolutely love the weather. the sky is so gorgeous when it is gray, it seem to make everything else darker. but it also makes things glow more than any summer day ever could. yum.
current mood:  calm
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| Sunday, October 24th, 2004
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9:00 pm - you can be my veggie porkchop..
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ah so, i don't know. its' wierd. i've made new friends like ana and bitsy and even started talking to people like katie baublitz and just ..people. i miss brittany and eric. and beth. and ian and tyler. i miss mark too. bleh. you know, missing people ..it never helps anything.
i'm still so fucking shy i hate it. in spanish we always talk about the news and i wanted to mention something that i had seen. the thing where my old preacher's son got shot by this other boy. and just telling that made me well up with tears. i know this sounds horrible but it's not because it made me sad ..it was just that there were people looking at me and actually listening to me. i didn't really like it. i was alright when i was dressed up in a costume for the homecoming floats, but i can't do anything as myself in front of less than 20 people that i know.
i have to learn that most people just don't notice the things that i do and that not everyone is watching me and thinking about me like i think they are. or maybe it's that i know they aren't.
end.
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| Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
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11:39 pm - whats so amazing that keeps us stargazing?.. and what do we think we night see?
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i'd like to start out by stating that i absolutely HATE when i ask someone how they are and they just don't bother to ask me. HATE IT.
now then. i write in here too much. and it's getting a little pathetic. i've tried to cut down on the entries but it's just not working. so, i've decided to just give in. ..but i just forgot everything i had to say, arg.
as i wrote in my xanga, i had a nice night. it would have been nicer had i not been stressed out about my book project thing. but yea, i have a feeling i'll be okay with that. i'm just in a blah mood. but yea, fun fun night with some friends.
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12:32 pm - heil to the thief..
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so i stole this from brent knobloch. i stumbled across his xanga and it's so wierd because while i was reading some of his entries, i forgot it was HIS xanga and not mine ..yep. i like that.
current mood:: stressed out about school
current taste:: hot chocolate
current hair:: still up from last night
current clothes:: mel's curious george pj pants and a sweatshirt
current annoyence:: my procrastination
current smell:: soup and chemicals
current thing you ought to be doing:: finishing reading a book ..writing a book.
current desktop picture:: exploding dog ..i don't know what happened
current favorite band:: i'm not so sure
current book:: jacob have i loved and wasteland
current cd in stereo:: bright eyes there's no beginning to the story
current crush:: crush
current favorite celeb:: matt lillard, always.
have a dream that keeps coming back:: i used to but now i can't remember
remember your first real love:: yea
still love them:: yea but in a different way, ya know.
read the newspaper:: i haven't lately
have any gay or lesbian friends:: i'd imagine so. i have some bi friends but eh.
believe in miracles:: i guess
believe it's possible to remain faithful forever:: yeah
consider yourself tolerant of others:: most of the time i'm too nice to be ..intolerant.
like the taste of alcohol:: no
have a favorite candy:: chocolate
believe in astrology:: nope
believe in God: yes
have any pets:: abby the potato dog
got to or plan to go to college:: i want to go to college but i'm not sure ..my dad wants me to be a beautician and when i told him i want to write he sounded a little dissapointed
have any piercings:: ears?
have any tattoos:: no
hate yourself:: hate? not hate ..dislike.
have an obsession:: people
have a best friend:: i like to tell myself that
care about looks:: i try not to, but my shallowness gets the better of me <--what he said
love life:: yes
first kiss:: last march
do you believe in love at first sight:: sure ..that's what conor oberst is going to experience when he sees me yep.
describe your ideal significant other:: nice but sometimes not. confident but sometimes insecure. caring but sometimes neglectful. but then again, that's how most people are.
[ l a s t t h i n g y o u. ]
bought:: pants
read:: this survey that brent took
[ l a s t p e r s o n y o u. ]
talked to:: in person, my mother.
IMed:: i think it was jeff or mark.
hugged:: adam
kissed:: adam
had a serious conversation with:: mark
yelled at:: i don't yell ..i raise my voice so my mother can hear me
befriended:: abby martinez ..she's in all of my classes and it's cute when she giggles
FIRSTS:
First best friend: had to be one of my family members ..my cousins gabe and kristalyn and my aunt brandy. <3
First real memory of something :: 1) in kindergarten i brought my favorite toy bunny for show and tell and someone stole it. 2) the day i was standing next to my cousin's porch and it felt like i had just woken up from 5 years of sleep the moment before. i couldn't remember anything.
First funeral: my mi ma
First pet(s): elizabeth my piggie, i think.
First credit card: nope
First enemy: memory
First big trip: i went to see my aunt in boston all the time when i was little
First play/musical/performance: those little winter concerts we'd have in elementary school
LASTS:
Last good cry: i can't remember but i think it was at least a month ago
Last library book checked out: the invisible man ..late fee 35 cents
Last movie seen at movie theater: i can't even remember
Last beverage drank: hot chocolate
Last food consumed: soup
Last tv show watched: cnn? something about the stock market
Last time showered: er ..last night? or the night before? i forget but it doesn't matter ..i'm just sitting here.
Last disappointment: bleh
Last soda drank: yesterday after school
Last website visited: brent knobloch's xanga
Yes or No...
You keep a journal: yes
Do you like to cook: yes but i can't.
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: most people
You set your watch a few minutes ahead: no
You believe in love: yes
Do You...?
Take a shower every day: most of the time
Have any crushes: uh crush.
Think you know you've been in love: yes
Think you're a health freak: yea most of the time, yet, i haven't showered.
Get along with your parents: most of the time
When you see this name you think of...
Ryan: american idol
Rob: robber barons
Stephanie: teffy
Aaron: errand
Amy: sign language
Paul:y shore
Eve: halloween christmas
Justin: ashton kutcher
Ricky: i love lucy
Jack: hair
Favorites...
Number: uh ..they're just numbers
Color: green
Day: satuday ..because i don't have to wake up early
Month: august, september, october.
Food: soup
Seasons: the fall to winter transitions (it's gorgeous) <--what he said *swoons*
Drink: water
Vegetable: carrot
Preferences...
Cuddle or Make Out: cuddle
Chocolate Milk or Hot Chocolate: hot chocolate
Dark or White Chocolate: dark
Vanilla or Chocolate: chocolate
In the last 24 hours, have you...
Cried: haven't felt the urge
Helped Someone: i have a goal, boost one person's ego a day.
Gotten Sick: of people <- yep.
Been to the Movies: no
Gone out for Dinner: no
Said "i love you": yes
Written a letter: an email to savi
Talked to an ex: yes
Missed an ex: well jesse wasn't at the game, and he's an ex.
Written in a journal: yes
Had a serious talk: yes
Missed Someone: yes
Hugged Someone: yes
so now, since brent knobloch is my little new obsession. i will quote his xanga..
"There are two things today that I find very funny. The first is when other people yawn. It's hysterical to watch because, for some reason, when people yawn they lose all sense of being around other people and make some of the weirdest faces I have ever seen. Even attractive people look completely ridiculous yawning. (I'm sure I look dumb, too.) Just an obsevation I've made. It's one of life's treasures.
The second is when you've just made (or ordered) a delicious pizza. It smells great and, you know it's hot, but you just dive right in. And every time you burn yourself because of the sauce. You'd think after years of this, we'd learn, but we haven't. Each and every time we have pizza, we will burn ourselves on the sauce. It's human nature. We can't resist that tempting, hot pizza.
So, pizza sauce and yawning are two of life's wonders that go unnoticed by most. We should start paying attention to the little things. It makes life more enjoyable."
and that's when i forgot i was reading HIS xanga ..the people in hanover make up for it's lack of ..coolness.
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12:31 am
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this tree trunk i took a pic of turned out to be a skull..
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| Friday, October 22nd, 2004
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4:27 pm - yea so, i dont know.
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i mean, i really don't ..know. a lot of things have been pissing me off lately and i don't know if it's true ..that' i'm being a bitch. or if it's just everyone else. i'd like to think that it's everyone else but yea, whatever.
so ..even though that brent's nice sometimes and he always apologizes when he's an ass to me, that's just it. he's a major ass to me. he says he is to everyone else but that is so not true and i'm not falling for that. i know how brent acts around his friends and it's not even close to how he acts around me. he says i don't know him as well as his friends (so i guess that makes me ..not a friend?) yet he's not helping with that in that he doesn't tell me anything about him. i send him the pics of him he's been asking for and he sends me pics of all of these other girls and tells me how gorgeous they are and it just pisses me off. if they are his friends and he can admit they are gorgeous, why can't he at least say i'm pretty instead of treating me like "one of the guys" all of the time? and also, you just don't do that. tim and jesse and i never do that. i remember tim and i had this duscission about it one night over the summer when we couldn't sleep. it's just wierd, for me, thinking about him and girls. it's like having your brother or sister tell you every nasty detail and it's just ..like that. yep.
adam has been being wierd and i don't know if he's just tired or what. i'm hoping it's nothing big or maybe nothing at all. i wish i could say something sweet to him that would just make him happier but i know anything i say will just end up sounding lame no matter how original or how straight from the heart it is. i guess stuff like that just gets old for him. but that has been stressing my out more than pissing me off ..anyway.
yea, people are just pissing me off in general. i think how everyone has at least one little group that they hang out with and i don't really have that. just at least one person that you can spend most of your weekends with or whatever. most of my classes are with abby and she's really cool but we don't hang out. ana is the best but she's been busy with the play and everything. melanie is with josh. she wanted me to go somewhere with her tonight nd i said no so i guess i shouldn't be complaining. but yea, whateva whateva. i've got to stop sitting in my room all of the time.
current mood:  blah
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
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6:13 pm
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i hate how you treat me so differently from everyone else. like i'm a class lower than all of the others. you say i deserve it but that's what i've been told for so long ..and i can only believe it for so long. i deserve to be treated just as good as you treat everyone else and if you can't see that then maybe you need to take a step back and actually think about a couple of things instead of just assuming that you're right and that i'm the problem.
oh and, since i caved into peer pressure and got a xanga, it will now be used for pictures.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: this city has sex <3
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| Sunday, October 17th, 2004
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1:00 pm
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| Saturday, October 16th, 2004
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7:29 pm
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this morning we went to harrisburg to get my grandmother. she's staying with her sister for a little because my grandpa is in rehab and whatnot and she doesn't like staying home alone because she's convinced that there is this ghost that chases after her when no one is around. we met her at tu to's and shopped around for a while. i got a tin of jasmine tea and all that good stuff. then, mammy wanted to go get fresh cookies and we got lost trying to get to the store and ended up driving around for about an hour.
when we got to mifflintown, we went to see my mom at the shop. he did my hair but listen to this. last week he went to a hair show and he was supposed to be in it. for those of you who don't know about these things, they are huge. they are like concerts and stuff to hairstylists and it's just wierd. well my dad was supposed to be in it but he didn't know. he would have gotten paid 500 dollars per hair-do. so instead he just ended up on stage watching the other guy named rob or something. this rob guy charges 500 dollars, not only at shows, but at his regular shop as well.
so today i got a 500 dollar haircut and style for free. *twitches* daddy also gave me a bunch of makeup and whatnot. so now i have 2 shoe boxes full of all of this stuff and i think i may have to sell some of it, yep.
cleopatra, my kitty, she died. *cries* she ran away two weeks ago with these other kitties and they gave her some virus. like 3 days after she got back she got sick and they took her to the vet that night and she died there. she was my favorbit too. but when she died someone gave my daddy this cuckatoo or however you spell it. i think i could grow to like this thing. her name is baby and she pants like a doggie when you pet her.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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11:01 pm
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you know, i just got made fun of by a bunch of strangers for being "emo."
i don't really care, fools. conor oberst is only 2 hours away from me and i'm going to rape him. and you WILL be jealous.
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