Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Avie's Blurty:

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Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
12:25 pm	this is not good. not good at all. at some point, am expecting life to become simpler. but it just keeps getting more complicated. you see, i wanted to like someone. but i didnt wanna "like" someone. liking people sucks. emotions suck. everything sucks. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
5:14 pm	Ahh...it all seems so useless. I'm seriously starting to lose it lately. Bad thoughts abound. Too much stupid shit going on at once and all i wanna do is sit in a corner and quietly die. Maybe. Let's have a look at my week. I have to write 4 essays. 2 are ready to be written and 2i have not yet started. It's my fault really. I let them go too long. I gave up. I fully realize how much of this bullshit is my own fault. But i cant do anything to stop it. Its amazing to me sometimes how i can even manage to get out of bed in the afternoon. I have to study for and write 2 exams. Thats not that bad. One of them am going to ace. The other am going to fail. I have come to terms with it. The fact that they are in the AC and peters building doesnt even bother me anymore. I just really dont care. I think thats why i havent had an anxiety attack in an exam yet this year. I just dont care enough. i have to take 2 extra shifts just to make rent this month. Which means I will probably end up working on my birthday, seeing as I dont exactly have a lot of other options. Not that i really care, i mean, my birthdays gonna be pretty shit anyway. theres not much i care about these days. and at least if i work that night i can say my birthday dinner was something more than a noodle cup. i dont know if am going to do Ren on Saturday. I was looking forward to it but I dont know. I just dont see the point. I figured out my total debt a minute ago. It was depressing. It's more than I make in a summer. Its definitely more than I have right now. Even if my parents get that money and even if they give me a good portion its still not gonna matter. the amount my dad was talking about giving me is barely going to make a dent. So it really doesnt matter. Theres one more thing weighing heavily on me right now but i dont wanna discuss it here. Its nobodys business and i am sick of being treated like a child because of it. So i will make that a seperate entry. So yeah, too much shit. everytime i open a word doc to start writing i freeze and everything flashes in front of me. its a little melodramatic but its definitely disturbing. and then i wonder whats the point and it continues. something tells me i need therapy or something. i need a lot of things. i am gonna end up like my parents. whee. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: A Drug Against War by KMFDM (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 27th, 2008
1:56 pm	ahhh why does life suck so much? i hate school. all i wanna do is lay around and chill and hang out with cat and kristy and max and be happy for a while. damned school. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 6th, 2008
1:10 am	well, one day left till the start of the new term, although my classes dont start until Tuesday. I guess my distance ed. classes start right away but i dont have to leave my room for most of the week so thats cool. i've already started my readings for one of the distance ed. courses, the articles are pretty intense right now. i dont know if thats because my brain is fried from all the pot since christmas or if the readings are just really intense. i hope its my fried brain because i have no idea what this guy is trying to say right now, except that hes making some sort of connection between experiencing cultures of ancient times and literature. i think hes saying that literature is a valid route to understanding past societies, which is somewhat obvious. hes just saying it in extremely difficult ways. i mean really, how many huge words do you need to put into one sentence? apparently like 10. and his sentences are huge, really long and winding and he throws in these weird concepts from old guys i've never even heard of right in the middle and its very confusing. i hope the entire course isnt like this. in other news, i will be going to phils on sunday. i have to work on monday but i'm only gonna have a couple drinks and come home. i also work on sunday so i will have to hurry home, shower and get dressed and leave. thats good tho, because i will probably be so exhausted that i will only want to stay for a couple drinks. christmas was good. had some fun times with the family. the nights were hard though, because i missed my bed from the first night. and i hate sleeping in other peoples houses. i know my parents dont understand that its not my house, i feel like they think i could move back in and be fine if i wanted, or at least my dad seems to think that. but its really not my home and theres no way i could live with them again after living on my own. its not because i dont enjoy being with them, its just that i like my own house and being able to do what i want when i want. but christmas was fun just the same. we played lots of board games, monopoly, balderdash and scrabble, played some card games. watched a lot of movies and documentaries. i dont think my parents taste in movies is quite like my own anymore, which kind of sucked. but on the whole it was a good visit. and now i shall possibly finish this article and then smoke a bowl. i wish i had something good to watch but i really dont. i deleted almost everything i had downloaded for my parents to make room for more things and now i have nothing of my own to watch. i am downloading the fourth season of that 70s show but its taking forever with this stupid Rogers internet. if we had sympatico the download would be long finished. damn you rogers. new years was fun too. we stayed home here, just me, max, kristy and emily. we smoked some weed and drank some alcohol and ordered chinese and watched Immortal Beloved. and we fired off the confetti guns i bought in my room...which was hilarious and messy. i'm gonna be finding chunks of confetti for years i think, but it was worth it. well i guess thats about it for my life right now. nothing really exciting going on right now. cat was supposed to chill with me tonight but shes still in toronto so kristy and i watched the food network for like 3 hours. it was amusing. the iron chef thing was cool, and gordon ramsays shows are always funny. plus hes kind of hot, we discovered. he took off his shirt like three times. so yeah, thats my life right now. hopefully this term will be fun and exciting and not too academically brutal. Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 18th, 2007
1:17 am	ugh...i so dont want to write my last essay. its majorly late. like 2 weeks. i have little or no motivation and all i wanna do is get high and sit around but i dont even have weed. it blows. aside from that i only have one more exam...stories and the sacred on thursday. wednesdays gonna be a busy day. i have a shitload of errands to do and then cats supposed to come over and chill at some point. plus i have to study for the stupid exam. but am hoping to get the most of that studying done tomorrow night after work. i hate school sometimes. i cant wait to just be able to chill without exams and deadlines looming over my head. its stressful. i am stressed. i need alcohol, weed and relaxation. i will possibly get all three when am at my parents house but its not the same. am looking forward to new years. we're gonna chill here and order chinese and watch movies and smoke copious amounts of weed. and drink champagne. i was originally hoping to go out to Ren or something but i dont feel like i have the energy anymore. i just wanna eat, drink, toke and laze. so yeah, this is basically my life right now. its not fun. but next term shouldnt be too bad. i have 3 distance ed. history courses and 2 regular religion courses which means i only have to leave my house 3 times a week for classes, and the earliest class is at 4pm. so thats nice. will also mean i can work more, and make more money. money is good. anyway...i should probably finish writing this thing. i have 3-5 more pages to write so it wont be too bad i guess. its a horrible essay tho. its basically me vomitting information onto the paper. yay for info vomitting. Current Mood: stressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
11:36 pm	one essay done, 3 more to go. its not that much of an accomplishment but i do feel alright about it. a little more motivated and a little less overwhelmed. finishing one helps me see that there is an end to this, even if it is not in the immediate future. in other news, other news is going well...as well. stuff is fun. yeah, that made no sense. maybe soon i'll be able to elaborate. am excited about christmas finally. came a little later than usual this year but hey, better late than never. the only blah about the holidays is am gonna miss the delicious harveys party. and by delicious i mean sitting with people i dont really like for a long time outside of work, but theres also tasty food and free drinks care of Mohammad. ah well. i am continuously working on dad's christmas gift, since am not spending much money on it i want it to be amazing. and it shall be. other than that theres really no news. my life is fairly boring, stressful and bleak :P essays, not going to class, going to work, thats pretty much my life at this point. but soon...soon it will get better. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
10:35 pm	sometimes i just dont see the point in getting out of bed at all. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
5:00 pm	ahhh! so much stuff going on, i dont have time to get into it. midterms suck. i will say that. so do essays. now i must eat, nap and ready myself for midterm 2 of 4. yay. and tomorrow i get to do the other two. cant wait for saturday! alcohol and costumes! Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 11th, 2007
2:50 am	eh, crappy-ish day. been feeling lonely the past little while. stressed, too. schools piling up, moneys tighter than hoped for, works just work and am all pms'ing. life sucks. i think drew made it worse, altho it wasnt his fault. he and i have a lot in common. mostly sad things, i think. maybe i am just coming to the realization that i am utterly unimportant. to everyone. i know its just my mood but at times like this, i really cant imagine anything good happening to me, ever. Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007
1:38 pm	argh. i feel like shit and its because i got way too hammered at phils on sunday. hungover in the extreme. so far i havent vomited or worse today, so class should be alright....i feel like barfing tho. why do i make my life more complicated? oh yeah, i know. i wanted to dance! sometimes i ponder my own sense of logic. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: No Hard Feelings by The Bloodhound Gang (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
12:49 am	i have noticed a weird and disturbing trend the last week or so. everyday my romance horoscope has nothing but bad news for me. every single day. its always "the stars are blocking your path....so forget about anything involving romance," or some shit. and yes, i read my daily romance horoscope. but not seriously or anything. just because its right there beside my regular daily horoscope. it used to be amusing, in a dark sort of way. when things were really bad with cat (like the last 6 months) it would always say uplifting things like "this is a great time for you and your honey to get closer." and it was funny because, well, she was in toronto grinding at the phoenix when i would read it. this is such a pointless entry. i just thought it was funny that the horoscope has been so down lately. arent they always supposed to say happy things? maybe the person who writes them got dumped or some shit. now that would be funny. so yeah, thats my story. shutting up now. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Walk Like An Egyptian by The Bangles (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
7:11 pm	i have no idea what to say here. I dont even know what I should or shouldn't say, even though I know there are few people who even read this journal still. Kristy, and maybe Ashley from time to time. The reason for my hesitation is that I know full well that my friends are getting sick and tired of hearing me go on about this. I'm sick of hearing me go on about this. But I dont know how to make it stop. I dont know how to get over her. I've had this feeling all summer, and I could never articulate exactly what it was. I just knew that everything felt slightly wrong. Nothing felt right. It's like nothing makes sense without her. I know that's a horrible thing to say, that it's not empowering and all that bullshit. But it's true. I can be happy without her. I can be happy alone. I dont need to be with someone just for the sake of not being alone. I'm not afraid of being alone. But my life doesnt seem to make sense without her. Nothing does. I know its pathetic. I know she's happier without me, that she doesnt love me and doesnt miss me and that she has dating prospects again and thats fine. I'm happy for her. I truly am. All I ever wanted was for her to happy. But now I am left with my own problem. The only time I ever feel even somewhat at peace is when she's around. Even just talking to her on msn, with all the things left unsaid and all the issues skirted around, it still makes me feel more at peace than any other time. Even at Kristy's birthday party (before things got weird) I felt at peace. I knew nothing would happen between us, that it was over, but she was there. And she was talking to me, like friends do and even with those scraps I felt good. I know none of this is logical. Everyone likes to talk to me as if I'm a child who doesnt understand that this is ridiculous and they act like I should be able to just pick up and move on. But I am fully aware that its illogical and that it doesnt make sense and that, yes, it is extremely pathetic. But it's the way I feel. And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Comfortably Numb by the Scissor Sisters (Comment on this)
Friday, September 21st, 2007
3:03 pm	nothing makes sense anymore. nothing at all. everythings upside down. i think i must have wandered into bizarro world on June 15th. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Kiss You Off by The Scissor Sisters (Comment on this)
Monday, September 10th, 2007
10:00 am	yay first day of classes. i only have one and its at 4pm so thats also sweet. had a week long visit at my parents house and relaxed there, shopped, napped, read. was pretty nice, de-stressing even though someitmes it was a bit boring. came home last night and ended up getting so completely stoned. like, i was so high only dogs could hear me. it was fun, but i ended up crashing out really early cuz i hadntls eltp much the night before. work is stressing me out again, they're being douches cuz i tried to book off a friday. am gonna put my resumes out again and see what happens because harveys is so pissing me off right now. other than that, not much to relate. am tired and need to shower at some point, but i've got lots of time. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: You Give Love A Bad Name by Bon Jovi (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 24th, 2007
11:10 pm	i've started writing in my real, paper journal again. havent really done that since highschool. but since i have highschool feelings right now i thought it would be fitting. theres just a lot of stuff that i cant really write in this journal. because people read it and because it would make me sound like a lunatic. so i got a lot of emotion out in the other journal. and that made me feel better. the entry doesnt make a lot of sense i think. but it made me feel better. and thats what counts. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Monday, August 13th, 2007
10:41 pm	well, shes not dating the guy. it made me feel better for a while but then i realized that if its not him, its gonna be someone else, sooner or later. and that made me sad. i thought this was supposed to get better with time? it seems like it just gets worse with time. i miss her like crazy every day. i miss everything about her and i dont know how to make it stop. its been two months. you'd think that would be time enough for some of to feel better. this whole relationship thing sucks ass. am never doing it again. no way. never gonna let someone make me feel like this again. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Jealous Girls by The Gossip (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 9th, 2007
9:12 pm	Enough Said Turn around stand up like a man and look me in the eye. Turn around take one final look at what you've left behind. Then walk away from the greatest lover you have ever known. yes walk away you're telling me that you can make it on your own By yourself all alone without my help mister you just made a big mistake. You think you're a man but you're only a boy You think you're a man you are only a toy. you think you're a man but you just couldn't see You were not man enough to satisfy me. Shut the door take a look around and tell me what you find. Shut the door take a giant step for you and all mankind. Then don't come back I always gave you so much more than you deserve No don't come back 'cause no one makes a fool of me You've got a nerve to walk away mark the words I'm gonna say Mister you just made a big mistake: You think you're a man but you're only a boy You think you're a man you are only a toy. you think you're a man but you just couldn't see You were not man enough to satisfy me. Shut the door take a look around and tell me what you find. Shut the door take a giant step for you and all mankind. Then don't come back I always gave you so much more than you deserve No don't come back 'cause no one makes a fool of me You've got a nerve to walk away mark the words I'm gonna say Mister you just made a big mistake: You think you're a man but you're only a boy You think you're a man you are only a toy. you think you're a man but you just couldn't see You were not man enough to satisfy me. ~You Think You're A Man by Divine (Comment on this)
Friday, July 27th, 2007
4:47 pm	so we finally went to Ren last night. it was so fun. we were only going to stay until 11:30 because kristy has work, but she decided to call in sick so we watched the drag show and got trashed and danced until close. then we went to a drag queen's house and hung out there for a bit and then grabbed a cab and came home. then i threw up and passed out. it was much fun. unfortunately, there werent very many lesbians at the gay bar. quite a few straight kimmy fag hags, but not a lot of dykes. i talked to one for a while outside about piercings and then later we shared a smoke. but nothing happened. i wasnt attracted. i wasnt interested. so far no girls have really interested me. i know some people think thats because am still holding onto the past, and it might be a little, but i think it has more to do with the fact that i dont wanna be with anyone. i wanna be alone. at least for the time being, anyway. i dont even want to bring someone home for random sex. i mean, i miss sex. i really do. but sex generally means having to deal with another human being and i dont think i have the energy for that right now. and besides, girls are fucking insane. so yeah, thats my random tangent about sex and girls. ren was amazingly fun tho. i felt like i could have danced forever, it just felt so free. alas, that will probably be the only Ren trip this summer, but it was good. in september we will have to go again. maybe i wont get so drunk then. yeah, probably not. Current Mood: hung over (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
9:07 am	its my day off. am stoned. went for a wake and bake that was interrupted when the landlord's girlfriend came home. am glad i bought a little pipe that is discreet. my new pipe is amazing. its blue-ish glass inside clear class with red accents and red projectile-type bumps running down the side of the bowl and onto the shaft. its purty. i named it Ruby Tuesday. i also got a very handy little case for it. am all set for inconspicuous toking. no idea what else am gonna do today. probably should do laundry. and maybe clean my room. maybe go to taco night if other people are going. hmm. i downloaded some lesbian movies. i forgot how depressing lesbian movies can be. very sad stuff. i am so sick of Harvey's right now. its so meaningless and demeaning. none that am a manager i deal with customers more, and customers are evil. its like i'ce traded places with Deanna, cuz now shes always on grill and am always up front. now i know why she complained about people so much. people are idiots and assholes. anyway, am gonna go be stoned. maybe make coffee. Current Mood: stoned (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 7th, 2007
12:10 am	life is far too depressing to contemplate. i dont even know what am doing half the time anymore. i just wanna lose myself in a cloud of smoke and disappear forever. (Comment on this)