| tc |
[06 Jul 2008|01:19am] |
Went up north to see the Penski's last week. It was fun. It felt like home again. I miss it already. I'm going to write tomorrow. It's late and I have church in the a.m. ttyl
nicole
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| ?!?!?! |
[23 Jun 2008|05:05pm] |
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I'm feeling mixed emotions right now. Part of me wants to go back to bed from which I just got up an hour ago from a three and a half hour nap. I want to eat because I'm bored, well maybe because I didn't eat lunch either. I feel like a fat cow. I feel like I should be doing something. I feel lost right now.
I took my final today for metabolism. I think it went really well. I'm glad that class is over although I really enjoyed learning the material. I now just have micro until thursday and then I'm done for the summer. I can't believe how quick it went by. I hope the rest of my summer doesn't go by so fast.
I'm going back to bed til Liz gets home. I can't stay up any longer. ttyl
nicole
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| last final |
[28 Apr 2008|09:12am] |
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Tomorrow is my last day of the semester. It seems to have flown by. However I'm so nervous for the test tomorrow because I haven't studied barely at all. Somehow I'm going to try and cram it all in today. Don't know how that's going to work but I guess we'll see. I'm hoping that I won't fall asleep. That's what happened Saturday and yesterday. I just can't wait til tomorrow is over!! I know I'm going to leave that final crying. W/e. I need to get to studying. ttyl
nicole
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| random |
[09 Apr 2008|09:40am] |
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I think I'm addicted to starbucks. If I'm at school I HAVE to have it. Last week I even had it twice in one day. I guess once the summer comes it won't be as bad because I'll only be here twice a week and I won't have time to get it.
I've been eating somewhat better the past couple of days. So that's a plus.
I'm finally going to see Suzy tomorrow so I can talk to her about this medication. I'm still completely distracted and jittery. I was a little shaky today not as bad as on Sunday. I've been so tired too. I just want to sleep all the time.
I might write later. ttyl
nicole
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| pancakes :( |
[03 Apr 2008|09:47am] |
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I went roller blading last night for an hour and fifteen minutes. It was so nice. I think I went somewhere around ten miles. It was much needed. I am a fat cow. Although of course this morning I was craving pancakes. I had one and a half but they were really big pancakes. I feel disgusting right now. I was planning on eating three meals today or at least trying but I don't know after what I just ate. I'm so stuffed. I have a lot of homework to do and a lot of studying for biochem but I'm just really tired. I know I'm going to need a nap today and some motivation to get moving. I'm so sick of school. Only three more weeks thankfully because I can't do this anymore. I'm just really worried about biochem. I can't get another C in a class. I will die. Anyways I'm going to try and get going on some of this homework. ttyl
nicole
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| stupid for doing |
[02 Apr 2008|04:36pm] |
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Well I didn't eat lunch today which to me is a good thing and a bad thing. I was trying to hold off because I've gained weight but then again I wanted to try and fight the urge not to eat because there is that little part of me that wants to get better. I ate a granola bar for lunch at around 1. I wanted to eat the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I packed so bad but Elena wasn't eating anything except a granola bar so I didn't want to look like a heffer eating a sandwich and a granola bar. So when I got home I was really hungry and had some pineapple and pear. Not too bad. Although I'm kind of disappointed in myself for giving in. I wanted to try and fight it. I wanted to try and eat three meals. Obviously I'm not strong enough. I hate my life. I think after dinner I'm going to go roller blading. It's really nice out right now. I'm going to take a nap though. ttyl
nicole
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| gaining weight |
[31 Mar 2008|08:31pm] |
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I'm so depressed right now. I went over my sister's to watch Jack today. She owns a scale.
Nicole + Scale= bound to give in to weigh herself. Of course I did. O yea and the number was really depressing. I was hoping that I was just looking at myself and being critical like I usually am about my body thinking that I looked like a fat cow but now I know that I really do. I seriously weigh 113! What the heck happened?!?!
I tried to tell myself that it was okay, that this is what I'm aiming to do to get better but it didn't work. When I got home I went running. Now I know that running is not a bad thing but I'm guessing that running for the reason that I do is not so bueno. I don't want to start this all over again. I always go through these cycles. I gain weight then I work out like mad until I go down between 105 and 110. That is precisely what I was aiming for when I went running today. It was late and I knew it was going to rain but I just didn't care. I went anyways and got caught in the rain, thunder, and lightening. I hate myself for being like this but I have to get below 110. I just need to lose five pounds. Although this sounds all too familiar. I always say if I could just lose x amount of pounds then I'd be happy and I'd be okay with myself but I'm never happy and I'm never okay with myself. Why do I strive to be this certain weight when I know it's not going to make me happy?!?!? This is so frustrating. ttyl
nicole
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[24 Mar 2008|08:47am] |
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So I get to school early. English starts at 8:30. It's a pain for me to get up and get ready as for most people. On a typical day I get ready and then start my car 10 minutes before I have to leave and then check my email and go on the internet until I have to leave. Well not today. I decided to watch tv until I left. Idiot. I got to class and was waiting for my teacher to come so I went on the internet from my phone. I checked my email and there was one saying that class was cancelled. So I could be at home right now sleeping because I don't have class til 10:40 now but no I'm here. It's pretty darn annoying. I'm really tired and didn't sleep well last night. I tossed and turned the whole night and kept waking up. I woke up at 3:30 honestly thinking that it was time to get up. I think maybe it's because I'm home alone this week. Idk. Anyways I'm going to work on some philosophy. ttyl
Nicole
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[12 Mar 2008|11:30am] |
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My daddy came home yesterday. I was so glad to see him. To be honest though I was getting used to him not being here. When he called me I was out buying stuff for my sister and so I asked him if we could go out to lunch. We went out to Logans and Audra came too with Jack. I ate so much food it was disgusting. I really felt like purging but I didn't. When I got home Andrew called and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. So I went over his house. I left a note for Jeana and Penski not to worry about dinner for me. When I came home it was kind of later. It was around 8. We were watching American Idol when Penski asked me how my eating was. I told him I had breakfast and lunch but then I didn't eat dinner. He seriously got pissed. He was like, "Something's gotta change. We had a deal." I was scared. Although back in August when we talked about me moving in Jeana and Penski said the only rule they had for me was that they wanted me to eat. I have clearly been breaking that rule for the past week or so I would say. I have just not been getting hungry. It's not that I'm ignoring the hunger trying to starve myself but I am just not getting hungry. Yea there is a part of me that is glad that I'm not getting hungry because I feel like I'm gaining weight and I would like not to. Plus I have to wear that costume in front of thousands this weekend. Leggings. Who wears leggings with fat thighs?!?!?!?! This is terrible. w/e. I have to get ready. I have not done anything this week at all! ttyl
nicole
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[05 Mar 2008|04:53pm] |
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I have slept literally all day. It's now almost five and I've only been awake for three hours on and off all day. I don't know what's wrong with me. Penski came down a couple of times. He said he was worried about me. I don't know why I wanted to sleep all day or why I was so tired but I just couldn't get out of bed and when I did it was for a half hour or at the longest an hour. I finally forced myself out of bed at four and I'm kind of regretting it. I'm tired and would like to go back to bed however I know that I won't be able to sleep tonight if I just keep sleeping all day. I've been telling Penski if given the chance I would sleep all day and since today was a snow day what better a day than today? I did get some of my reading done today at least. I have all day tomorrow to work on homework and the only thing I have left to do is biochem. Shocking I saved the worst for last. I don't think I'm going to be doing anything for the rest of the night. I'm really not feeling like doing anything. I might write later. ttyl
nicole
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[28 Feb 2008|07:33pm] |
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Well I went to see Dr. Gottlieb today. It went well. We talked a lot about sending the letter to my mom. I told her about the whole wanting to get a divorce thing. She was kind of shocked but then I told her about my mom wanting to see a counselor. She was like, "See don't you think that your letter did some good?" I don't know. I guess it did some good. She said even if it didn't change things between us she said it was good for me. She said that I need to know that I can tell people how I feel without being afraid. At the end I told her that I've been feeling really bad about myself and asked her how long she thought it was going to take until I was okay with myself and she said, "Sorry hun but it's going to be a lifetime." That's not exactly what I wanted to hear but then again deep down I knew it was going to be a struggle for a long time and it felt good to hear that from someone else. She said, "You know you can always try medication. We've talked about that before. Just something to think about." I'm honestly thinking about it because I'm so sick of feeling this way. When I eat I feel like a fat cow and when I don't eat I feel better about my body but then I feel terrible because I know that I should eat. It's like a never ending situation. It's extremely frustrating. I just want to feel okay about my body. ttyl. more later.
nicole
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[25 Feb 2008|09:42am] |
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This weekend was a rough one. Friday I went to Chuck's house after school and worked on philosophy until I had to go to work. I closed togo and got home at around 11:30. I had a hard time sleeping and woke up at 7:30. I just really badly wanted to sleep in but that didn't happen. I worked on homework although not as much as I had hoped. Maybe I shouldn't have napped so much. I went to work and served saturday night. When I left work at 12 I was so exhausted. I cried the whole way home, in the shower, and for like forty five minutes in bed. I think I'm just getting really stressed out with school and work. Especially work on the weekends. Saturday was seriously a nightmare. I ran my butt off and people are just so rude and then leave you $2. It's so ridiculous. What really kills me is seeing the way some of the parents treat their kids. It was 10:30 at night and one of my tables had two kids that were two and three years old and were crying. The mom was yelling at them. And I wanted to say duh your kids are tired. Hello it's way too late for them. I'm just getting frustrated because I wonder if all the work I do running around for my tables is worth it when they leave me $2. I really don't think I'm a bad server. Half the time my tables tell me that I'm such a good server and then they leave me less than $5. I just don't get the logic. So then yesterday I worked 1:30-9:30 serving. It went just about as good as Saturday night. I absolutely hate it but I'm caught because it has made things so much easier monetarily. I wonder which of the two stresses is worse though-stressing about not having enough money or stressing about working too much. I'll probably just keep serving because if I go back to togo then I'm lowering myself. I don't know. I could honestly have enough money if I just served two days. I could literally work only two days and be fine with the money I make. Although just yesterday my mom asked me if I was able to pick up any days at work. I was like mom I can't even handle what I have right now. I think she thinks I should be a machine or something. I'm not like her. I'm not a workaholic. I don't know why she bugs me so much or why I let it bother me. There is just something about her that bothers me. Whenever she says something that bugs me it magnifies like ten thousand times. She just seems to have that effect on me.
Change of subject... I ate pretty bad yesterday. I had a bagel on the way to church and then when I got home I had a turkey wrap and some pretzels. For the rest of the day the only thing I had was a cookie at work. I felt so weak and dizzy. I think that might have been part of the reason I was in such a bad mood. I'm going to try and do better today. I had an english muffin for breakfast and now I'm eating a fruit cup from Delilah's. I packed a granola bar too so I'll eat that in a couple of hours. Dinner is a give because the Penski's always cook:) I'm going over Chuck's house after school so if she eats then I'll eat. So it shouldn't be too bad of a day. I just don't need to gain any more weight. I was 108 a week ago so I'm probably still somewhere around there although I feel like I weigh 158.
more later ttyl
nicole
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[21 Feb 2008|12:32pm] |
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Seriously someone kill me. Biochem is a nightmare. I have been working on my problem set for an hour and a half now on top of the four hours I put into it Tuesday and I'm still not done. I think it's bs that he gives us problems with information that is not even in the book. It is absolutely ridiculous. I'm so exhausted from all the work that I have done this week. All the reading and nutrition assignments and nutrition lab write ups. I'm so done and I need a break. I thought spring break was a week and a half away and it's really two and a half weeks away. Next week is going to be a nightmare because I have a philosophy test and biochem test on wednesday and then an english paper due next Friday. I know that I'll get it all done but I just hate looking at my schedule seeing everything that I have to do. I won't see Andrew this weekend because I have so much studying to do. I'm just complete stressed!!
On top of everything I am a beeched whale because I think I'm about to start my period so of course I'm bloated. Just keep piling everything on. I don't mind. I guess I bring this all on myself though. But it still helps to be able to vent about it. Anyways I think I'm going to take a break from my problem set and do some biochem reading. ttyl
nicole
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[19 Feb 2008|07:53pm] |
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I am exhausted and even though I got a lot of homework done today I feel as though I have gotten nothing done. It's really quite frustrating. I would be fine this semester if I just didn't have biochem. That class is killing me. I spent as much time on that as I did all the rest of my classes combined today and still didn't get that much done. In fact I barely got anything done. I'm so done with that class.
On top of everything I ate pizza today for dinner. I'm such a fat cow and I go and have pizza for dinner. It's not like I could say no because it's what Jeana picked up. I had two pieces and a breakstick. I am disgusting. And now I feel like a cow even more.
nicole
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[18 Feb 2008|09:55am] |
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I am so tired. I even slept forty-five minutes later than normal. I went to bed at 12:30 after I got my english reading done. I read all of philosphy except for three pages so I just finished that a few minutes ago. I'm so mad that I didn't get to any of my biochem homework. I was supposed to work on it and then bring in a copy of my answers so that I could compare with other people in my class but obviously that is not going to happen. I'm also supposed to meet with them after class but I have philosophy right after so I'm hoping that Lianne will give me their answers. I have no clue how to do any of them. That's probably why I didn't attempt to do any of it.
I'm totally not eating that much today. I feel like such a fat cow. I had breakfast and I packed a granola bar and I'll make dinner tonight but that's it. I'm skipping lunch and I'm going to make a light dinner. I need to get a lot of my homework done. I need to stay focused because I'm falling behind in all of my classes and I just have this week and next week and then I'm on spring break. I just have to have one more big push to do my best and then I can rest for a week. I might pick up one shift during the week but that's it. I don't care what my mom says. I'm not working my whole break. I hate that place.
I'll write more later. ttyl
nicole
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[17 Feb 2008|01:00pm] |
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My weekend has gone pretty well so far. Friday I worked to go so it was a nice break. I wasn't running around like crazy. Yesterday Andrew and I went to my sister's house because he hadn't seen the baby and then we went to campus martius. It was great fun. I didn't fall so that was good. Andrew is so patient with me. I am terrible at ice skating but I like doing it and Andrew is actually somewhat good at skating. He lets me hold on to him and he was trying to teach me how to skate backwards. I wasn't successful but it was fun trying. Maybe another day I'll get it. However I got a huge blister on the inside of my right foot. I just did a little surgery on it a little bit ago. It's not feeling so good. I put so much neosporin on it though. I'm hoping it helps.
My mom called me at 6:30 this morning to tell me that the roads were bad. I wanted to kill! She called me again at 7:30 and talked to me for forty-five minutes! It amazes me that she has that much to say. She initially called me to ask me how I found Dr. Gottlieb because she wants to start going to counseling. She said that she has all these strong emotions and sometimes they just burst like she did on me a couple of weeks ago. Also, she said that Richard wants to go to counseling too. I guess they want to try and work things out. Part of me is sad because I really don't like Richard but the other part of me is glad because I think it would hurt Savanna in the long run if they split up. Although this doesn't mean that they are all of a sudden going to be better and there still is the chance that they could get a divorce.
Then my mom got into a whole discussion about my sister and Ryan and how she really doesn't like Ryan. I feel bad for my sister but she got herself into this situation. I know she's not happy and my mom today told me that she talked to Katie and apparently Audra broke down to Katie saying she wasn't happy. I think Ryan has been playing video games more than I thought. I really don't like the way he is when I'm over their apartment. Yesterday when I was over there he told me that I couldn't kiss Jack on the lips because I would transfer bacteria. I was kind of rude and just said I don't care and did it anyways. He is ridiculous. On top of that I was holding Jack while Audg was doing laundry and house work and Ryan was playing video games. He had the nerve to start complaining that he was hungry and that Audra needed to cook something or go get some food. He just makes me so mad. I can tell my sister is exhausted and Ryan doesn't seem to be helping much. There is nothing I can do at this point though.
Nathan and Kyle left on Friday and Jeana and Penski left yesterday and I already miss all of them. I never thought that I would become so attached to them. I never thought that I would love them. It's amazing that I consider them my family. It sucks though because I feel that I can't say that to anyone. If I were to ever tell Elena or anyone especially my mom and sister that I loved them and considered them a family to me they would freak. It's like they are my secret life or something. But I love them so much and I find it amazing how God has used all of them to help me. I'm really thankful.
Eating yesterday was not so bueno. I ate breakfast and lunch but then nothing for the rest of the day. I kind of had a headache at the end of my shift at work but it wasn't too bad and it went away. I went to Alicia's after work last night because her family is out of town so she had a party. I didn't drink anything. I'm pretty much done drinking. I might have one here and there but as for partying I can't do it anymore. I didn't stay for more than an hour and a half. Elena and Alicia wanted Taco Bell so I took them to get that. I didn't go to bed until 2:30 so I didn't get much sleep. I spent a lot to time in prayer last night. Lots of things I've been thinking about, lots of people to pray for. Although I didn't sleep very well. I don't know why I tossed and turned all night. Especially after my mom called me at 6:30. I slept upstairs though and it was sooo warm. I only wish my room was that warm. lol. i gtg. work soon :/ ttyl
nicole
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[14 Feb 2008|09:14am] |
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The last couple of days have been kind of crappy. I went to see Dr. Gottlieb on Tuesday. We talked mostly about my mom. She read my letter and said that I absolutely need to send it. I don't know why it's so different when she tells me to send it than when Penski tells me but when I went home I put it in an envelope and then gave it to Penski to put in the mail so that I wouldn't change my mind. By the end of the night I had already changed my mind and was asking for it back. Dr. Gottlieb asked me if I had cut and I said yea. She was like you are not going to get better if you don't send that letter to your mom telling her how you feel. That's my biggest problem-my mom. I've just never told her how I feel so I think that this is going to be real bad. I just really hope she just doesn't care. That would be worst case scenario for me. Dr. Gottleb said in that case I can at least say that I tried and then we'd have to deal with that. I'm just sick now because I just have to sit and wait for my mom's phone call. And as always I don't know if she's going to be okay with it or blow up on me. It's quite possible that I could experience both of those in the same conversation.
On top of everything I was on my way home from school yesterday when something fell off the back of a truck, went under my car and hit twice. I was on my way to my dad's to check on the cats when my car all of a sudden decided it didn't want to go any further. It was leaking red liquid so I called Andrew. He said that the liquid is transmission fluid. So my car is not driveable. I don't have the money to be able to pay for that. I was just about caught up to where I was going to be able to start paying Penski back for my tires but if I have to pay for this then I won't be able to. Just my luck right? So my mom is going to try and take care of everything with insurance today and she'll be getting the letter real soon here. I'm sure she's not going to be too happy after she's helped me out when she gets that letter. Really bad timing on the letter. I guess we'll see. ttyl
nicole
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[10 Feb 2008|09:52pm] |
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Lots has gone on this weekend. I'm pretty stressed by it all.
First of all my sister had her baby on Friday. It was a really long day. I had just gotten down to wayne state when my mom called and said that Audra was on her way to the hospital with contractions five minutes apart. So I went and picked up my brother from school and then we followed my mom to the hospital. It was a long day. We did a lot of walking. She finally gave birth at 6:47pm. Jack is 6lb. 9oz. I was in the delivery room and it was a really amazing thing to see him be born. I finally got home at around 10:30. I was exhausted. I took a shower and then started watching a movie. I was really upset about cutting the day before too. I had to be really careful at the hospital not to roll my sleeves up because I didn't want anyone to see the cuts. They still had blood on them from the night before. Penski came downstairs after awhile and asked what was wrong because usually after I take a shower I come upstairs and talk but I didn't Friday night. So he just took a guess that I had cut. He laid with me for an hour until I was about to fall asleep. It felt good.
So then yesterday I slept in until about nine. Laid around for a little bit and then went to my dad's to pick up bills. It was so disgusting. The cat litter hadn't been cleaned so the cats were pooping on the floor. It smelled disgusting. I felt so bad for them. I finally found my dad's tax information so I'll be able to do my fafsa that I think is overdue. I'm really just stressed about the whole situation with my dad. I haven't talked to him in probably a month now. I don't know when he's coming home. I just can't worry about my cats anymore. I don't want to leave them there but I can't get rid of them. I don't know what to do.
After I left my dad's I went to Chucks and we worked on our nutrition test and quizzes. I went straight from chucks to work where I found out that I was going to have to close. I was not happy. On top of that we got slammed so we didn't get out until real late. I got home at 12:30. Penski was waiting up for me because I though I was going to be home somewhere between 10 and 11. We talked for about a half hour then went to bed. I was telling him that I'm just stressed. I missed school on Friday and was at the hospital all day so I couldn't get any homework done. Saturday I worked on nutrition and I still had so much to do. I had an english paper to write, philosophy to read, and english to read. Not to mention the fact that I'm so far behind in biochem it's ridiculous. Plus I had to buy litter and go to my dad's house again to put more in the litter box. Luckily I got my paper done before work. I only had six more pages to read for english and I gave up on philosophy because it was so confusing. I haven't seen andrew in over a week now and I miss him so much. I never see him:( I love him.
Luckily I got home from work early today. I was home by 8. It was nice because I needed some time just to relax. I finished my english reading and I just want to go over my paper again one more time tonight before I print it out. I'm still feeling pretty stressed though. I just want one day where I can sit and do nothing. I'm so tired.
On top of everything I wrote my mom that letter but I just can't send it. I think that it's going to make things worse. I'm going to see Dr. Gottlieb on Tuesday so I'm going to take it in to her and have her read it. Maybe she can encourage me because at this point I won't send it. I'll just let everything go like I always do and it'll eat me up like normal. Penski said he would send it for me but I just don't know if I'm ready. Maybe Wednesday. Idk.
Anyways I have to get things ready for school tomorrow. ttyl
nicole
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[07 Feb 2008|07:23pm] |
I'm not feeling so good. I tried to eat more today than usual but I think I failed. I ate just as much as I normally do. However that's not why I'm not feeling so good. I've been working on a letter to my mom. Dr. Gottlieb told me to write it. I had Penski read it on Tuesday and he said it was good but he asked me if there was anything I'd add. So I added some more stuff today and I just started crying. I don't know why. I haven't cried in like five days or something like that. Things with my mom have been bothering me but today isn't any different than any other. She still hurt me but what's new. I've been able to suppress my emotion I guess until now. But why now? Some of the things I added to my letter maybe sparked this emotion. Idk. I wrote to my mom that I felt afraid of her. Just about the fact that I felt I couldn't talk to her for fear of getting yelled at. And also the other thing bothering me was that I don't feel she really cares about me. She never asks me how I'm doing. She just doesn't care and it's a terrible feeling. All I want is to be loved. I just want to know that she cares because it really doesn't seem like it. And I don't know why it bothers me because ever since I can remember it hasn't really seemed that she cared much about what I did. I think that I tried to be a rebel somewhat in high school just to see if she cared and she really didn't. I ran amuck and did whatever I wanted. Most kids would want that but I just wanted a mom. I don't know if I'll ever get one. It bothers me but I guess I just have to work through it. The only thing I can change is the way I am when I have kids. My problem is that I don't know how to be a mom because I never had one. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Anyways i gtg. ttyl
nicole
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[07 Feb 2008|09:16am] |
Yesterday was ridiculous. I got my test back for biochem and it was not so good. I got a 69 and the average was 67. I usually score around 10% more than the average. Although my 69 was a C according to his grading scale and I still have a B in the class with my other points figured in. As long as I stay B range then I'm good. I think my philosophy test went well. Elena said she thinks she bombed it so that doesn't make me feel good. Because I probably think that I did well and probably didn't. I guess we'll see on Monday.
Straight from school I went to work. It was the biggest waste of my time because I was there for three hours and made $14. I was so mad. I only had three tables. I hate serving. I would have made more in togo. W/e I'm hoping to make good money this weekend. I'm serving Saturday and Sunday so hopefully I will make at least $200. Although I was hoping to make $60 last night and look how well that turned out.
Anyways I need to get some homework done. I have lots of it to do. ttyl
nicole
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