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[24 Nov 2005|07:18pm] my new blurty. http://www.blurty.com/users/xdisinsatiablex/ post

[24 Nov 2005|03:50am] [ music | rodent (dot mix): skinny puppy ] ode to lack of sleep, and how i will catch up on it on turkey day. apparently, the doctors called my mom and told her that i now need to take penicillin for my urinary tract infection; that sulfameth won't cure it. looks like this thing will last quite a while then. :( benji opened my eyes to some things about how i have been the past couple months, sadly it opens my eyes to a new depressed feeling, one i've not felt before, and although i know i deserve it and more than likely worse, it cuts me deep. i haven't slept well in days. i slept yesterday morning from six am to nine am then came home and slept from noon to one-thirty. been up since and it's now four am. so you can imagine how tired i am. i feel like i need to take things more seriously with everyone, and more relaxed with chris. i feel like. we disagree on way too many things and that's starting to take a toll on me, inside and out; apparently. i guess i'm just gonna sleep till whenever and change the times i take medicine. anyway. i'm gonna go get in bed. post

[23 Nov 2005|02:57am] [ music | mudvayne: forget to remember ] ok, looks like this is gonna be a long entry. i'll explain why, later. today was alright, i'm guessing. i'm tired and sore from working. not too much happened, some guy hit on me then twisted it around, i'm thinking that guy is psychotic. see, he said "are you pumped about thanksgiving?" and i trust NO ONE, so i lie and say "no, i hate holidays. bah, humbug." and he goes "aww. well if i bring you some turkey, will you eat it?" and i said "i dunno, i hate turkey." lying again :] and he goes "what's your name?" and i go "..carin.." and he goes "okay, well cool. i'll bring you some turkey." and i go "..........alright." then he gets up to the other window and tells the other girl, "carin said, since we have to wait, that we get free fries." and i said nothing like that, and the other girl believed me. cuz he drove back to the menu board, and said "yeah, someone said something about free fries for waiting? were we supposed to drive around again, or what?" and i go "ummm...what?" and then the girl at the other window goes "just drive to the second window" and she said "look. i know carin didn't say any of what she just said, she just told us about your turkey story." and he goes "well she offered fries, though." and she goes "i don't care. we don't do that here, you'll have to wait for your food. please pull forward, thank you." and i walked up to the window and stared at him and he goes "thanks, carin" and i go "*nods*" so that was over with, and there were only four of us, closing, but we got out about 2 something. anyway, wes wrecked his car and i took some pics of it, so here they are: props to me, i took the pics myself about an hour ago. anyway, i'm spending the night at becks, so lat0000r. post

[22 Nov 2005|01:57pm] [ music | buckethead and friends: 3 fingers ] so, i'm contemplating on getting a new blurty. i feel like this one shows too much of my sensitive side... also, i want to change my hair color, but not the length. here are my two choices: anywho. i think i'm feeling a bit confident to work tonight. especially where i hate working. coordinating. but that's where they've got me so i'm in charge. eh. not too happy about it at times, but i can do it. anyway, i better go get something to eat. haven't eaten anything since about 6:30 last night. latorrrr. 2 cmnts + post

[20 Nov 2005|03:09pm] [ music | charlie clouser: don't forget the rules ] i'll never forget the words that made me want to sink into a pit of oblivioun and darkness when he said you just get under my skin sometimes, carin. how empty those words are. how empty and dark and soulless and loveless. and every self consuming word that aches within the walls of my mind. post

[19 Nov 2005|06:20pm] choices. the only choice i'd hate making is killing an unborn child that doesn't belong to the man i love, and losing the man i love because i gave birth to a child that wasn't his post

[19 Nov 2005|04:08am] [ music | nine inch nails: hurt (quiet) ] well, it's the six month anniversary. i'm in love, and happy, and excited to be married to chris. he's such a wonderful man. post

[17 Nov 2005|05:34pm] [ music | nine inch nails: erased, over, out ] twelve hours later...i don't know when i'll update next so i'll just update again, from this morning. the pic below is of my scars from when i cut myself. i wish that when i was that age i had gotten serious help, because maybe it would have benefited for how i feel now, but if i had, would i have met chris? i feel sad inside today and i don't know why. i feel like my insides have been cut up enough to experience extreme pain, but not enough to kill me. anyway. i have to get ready for work in about an hour so, lat0r. post

[17 Nov 2005|05:34am] [ music | nine inch nails: closer (internal) ] the blur of serenity post

[15 Nov 2005|03:42am] [ music | a perfect circle: judith ] oh-kay. so yeah. i'm drunklike. haha. i almost put drunklile. lmao. ok ok ok. so, tonight i did manager stuff. instead of just watch. it was really hands on. and i don't mean that in a pervy way. :) i'm fikina go to sleep so i can wake up when chris gets home. god. i'm so drunk. then i'll take a nap before work. oh man am i drunk. i feel kinda sick but i keep burping. i need someone to call and there's no one to call. shit. i guess i'll just go lay down til i pass out when i get done updating. ummmm... not much to update..next week is chris's vacation and we get to spend time together. woohoo! :D i love him so much. anyway ok i'mma go. post

[14 Nov 2005|06:01pm] [ music | 50 cent: blood hound ] well i could just scream until my face falls off. or flies off. either one will work. :) sometime this week i'm supposed to see somebody about the way i feel. last time i did this, i was 14, and they let me down, which made me wanna die harder. i'm trying my hardest not to ... do .. anything, but with what's going on in life lately, everything is making it harder and harder to not. i wish i would have gone to stacy's yesterday, but i was too tired to drive all that time. i'm glad i didn't go, basil was supposed to be there, and chris wouldn't have liked that very much. anyway, i should get ready for work. lat0r. post

[11 Nov 2005|01:37pm] [ music | nine inch nails: hurt (quiet) ] i saw you in the mirror but i did not see myself my skin looks like seams without the strings to hold it together. ._. post

[10 Nov 2005|07:17am] i feel exquisitely calm this morning. like a calm cup of warmish irish flavored coffee and a calm cigarette. it's calm in its own lunacy. i feel like everything that was chaotic is finally slowing down to its own comfortable steady pace; which, of course is always a good thing. always. i feel in love with my true love-> chris of course. and i feel like everything, for once, is going my way. instead of in some unstable other direction that leads me to no where but dry empty deserts of heart. at least i can breathe again. lat0r. post

[09 Nov 2005|05:17pm] [ music | nirvana: you know you're right ] well today has been mostly uneventful. stayed up til about 4 am, chris thought i was high (but i wasn't). :) anyway, i have to get my phone charger back and i'm still waking up from the nap chris was supposed to join me with, but he didn't, cuz he's working on some counterstrike game level thing. really completely complicated. i kind of feel rotten inside that he didn't join me in that nap when he said he would. anyway. i'm starting to dance the pee pee dance so i'mma go and update this mutha fuckah lat0r. post

[07 Nov 2005|03:23pm] [ music | kelly clarkson: because of you ] well, i have almost half of an ounce and i can't smoke it cuz i promised chris i wouldn't smoke it til i got up there. and i have two or three smirnoff's left in my trunk, that i a., haven't brought in yet, and b., promised i wouldn't drink til i got up there...but i left my pipe at becky's anyway, and she hasn't called me. and i was high and i drove jen and d home, and i was fine til i was by myself for the half hour, when i kept nearly falling asleep. i almost fell asleep completely, when i had a flash in my head, and in my mind i saw someone sitting in the passenger seat, and it woke me up. scared me so bad i kept looking over, seeing a silhouette. i think it was my guardian angel... and in a seventy-two hour time frame i slept twelve hours and worked eightteen. so you can imagine why i was tired. i gave r five bucks to get me a morphine pill, but he says he keeps forgetting. he owes me either a., that pill or b., my five bucks and i'm getting kind of irritated. becky wants her movie back from him, i'm thinking, i should have never said "yeah, loan it to him. you'll get it back," am i ever eating my words. anyway, i'mma go. lat0r. post

[06 Nov 2005|12:47pm] hoorah. post

[05 Nov 2005|04:42am] [ music | ... : kissed by a rose ] my horoscope: Relationship issues are emphasized in the weeks ahead as someone close to you pushes you to take more responsibility -- whether or not this is your wish. You may feel as if this other person is trying to dominate you, but don't get pulled into emotional struggles that are not yours. Tough love may not seem easy, but your withdrawal will help both of you become more flexible. post

[04 Nov 2005|11:01pm] [ music | three doors down: let me go ] i ♥ chris post

[03 Nov 2005|05:41pm] [ music | regina spektor: ode to divorce ] the food that i'm eating is suddenly tasteless • i know i'm alone now • i know what it tastes like • so break me to small parts • let go in small doses • but spare some for spare parts • there might be some good ones • like you might make a dollar • i'm inside your mouth now • behind your tonsils • peaking over your molars • you're talking to her now • you've eaten something minty and you're making that face that i like and you're going in for the kill kill • for the killer kiss kiss for the kiss kiss • i need your money it will help me • i need your car and i need your love • so won't you help a brother out • won't help a brother out • won't you help a brother out out out out • just break me to small parts • let go in small doses • but spare some for spare parts • you might make a dollar • you might make a dollar • so won't you help a brother out • won't you help a brother out • won't you help a brother out out out out out • just break to small parts • let go in small doses • but spare some for spare parts • their might be some good ones • you might make a dollar post

[02 Nov 2005|09:14am] [ music | regina spektor: the flowers ] good news - beck found my money. tho, it was only 25 bucks, she found it. i was like. WOOT! anyway. i'm tired. i was up late doing um...dirty things. very late. i'm in such a good mood this morning. and i don't have to leave to pick my sister up til 11. i wish i new that this morning, cuz i woke up at 8...wanting something to eat. so i had noodles and fanta for breakfast. i want strawberry fanta. yummy. i love the flavor of strawberry anyway. and fanta's my new craving. and i'm supposed to go hang out with d and jen at d's house on saturday. i'm happy that i only work til 5 this afternoon cuz i'm so tired. anyway my brains going *pasheeeew pasheeeew* so i'mma find something to drink cuz i feel as dehydrated as an alcoholic, and bleh feeling. lat0r.. post

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