wow I NEVER GET ONLINE ANYMORE and it pisses me off. i wish i could get the freaking internet at my house. but im poor. being poor rocks. im losing weight because i cant afford to buy food anymore. yeeay. thats an awesome way to diet.
im staying at my moms house for a few days. ive only been here for 24 hours and i already miss my nick. he was supposed to call me last night, but the phone at the house he's staying at is disconnected (i just found this out last night) so i dont know. im hoping he comes online or something so me can talk to him. la la la. i am so in love with him sometimes. SOMETIMES. and sometimes, he confuses the hell out of me and i have no idea what i feel about him. he told me once, when we were drinking at a friends house on new years ever, that he wanted to marry me, and i just kind of blew him off. im sure he didnt remember it. but now a few days ago he said the same thing. i told him he is delusional, but he says he loves me that much. im kind of scared. ive never been in love. im realizing that now. because i have never felt this way ever in my life, and i know it has to be love. I want to say the same things to him, but im so afraid of being hurt. i always am. thats why i dont ever get close to anyone. and i hate it so much. argh kaden needs attention. bye.
Wowzers. I haven't written in here for a long time... Not since before my life went to shit. Grrrrr i hate to sound like the, "Woe is me my life is so horrible i hate everything" type, but... god my life is shitty right now! I got a letter the other day letting me know that my driver's licence is revoked for 5 years. Grrrr to the fucking extreme. I'm not in college right now, which means I am L-A-M-E in my mother's eyes. Well I guess it kind of dissapoints me too... Hopefully I'm going to go back part time this coming semester. I miss it so much. But then again, I am so in debt it's not even funny. I have over 1700 dollars worth of traffic tickets that I am trying to pay right now, and about 400 dollars on my credit card that I want to get paid off. But its really friggin hard for me to get another job to pay this shit off when I DON"T HAVE A LICENCE!
The only thing in my life that I am happy with is my boyfriend Nick. Yeah... he's friggin awesome. We started dating November 1st, and ever since then, I've been so happy. Our relationship is so different from any other relationship I've ever been in. I'm so comfortable with him, I'm so happy. I have so much fun being with him. I'm so glad we fou8nd eachother. Actually, I'm so glad that Allie and I went to the bowling alley one night because we were UNGODLY bored. We were just sitting at a table watching all these people bowl, and I saw Nick, and the first thing I thought was how cute he was. Yeah, I'll admit it. I thought he was hot. But i also thought he looked like a really nice, really funny guy with a great personality too. And he is. Well, after 3 weeks of seeing eachother at the bowling alley, we started talking more each week, and he asked me out. AAAAHhhhh I almost freaked out when he asked me. We were sitting there just kind of talking by ourselves, and... I was in heaven. I was floating on a cloud or something. Later that night he kissed me for the first time, and IT WAS THE MOST PERFECT KISS EVER!!! I really don't know how to explain how it felt, or what exactly made it so perfect, it just was. I have never ever gotten that feeling when I kissed someone before. Never.
God I seriously cannot think of anything about him that I don't find attractive. He's so perfect. He's smart, he's really funny, he is so sweet and so caring and loving. He's amazing. I love him so much it scares me sometimes, because we've only been together for not even 2 weeks. But at the same time, it just feels so right. It feels like loving him is what I am supposed to do, what I'm meant to do.
Well anyways, I'll stop with the sappy love shit. hehehe. I need to find another job, waitressing or something. I need the moola. Really bad. I am paying 318 dollars worth of bills this paycheck, and my check was only 370.
Yeah figure that one out. It sucks. Plus I have to buy cigarettes, shampoo/conditioner and other stuff like that, and put some gas in my car this week. Even though I don't drive it, Nick does, I still make him drive me almost everywhere, so I put gas in alot.
My mom has an inbred dog. His mommy and daddy where brother and sister, and he is a flaming idiot. His name is Eastwood.
She also has a hamster named stewart and he is SO CUTE.
Yeah I'm at my mom's house. I was really depressed last night, so I made Nick take me to meet my mom somewhere so I could stay with her last night and today. Yay. Well I suppose I should go take a shower and get ready for my mommy to take me to work. tata
voices never heard, but ignored all the while
i want to kiss you with a knife and love you without a smile
smiling is for the people who feel what i lack
love is the one thing my empty shell can't give back
i am sick of not feeling loved. it is such a crappy feeling, it is, it is. i am starting to believe lee was delusional when he thought he was in love with me... and i am pretty sure he still is delusional, thinking he still loves me. the more and more i think about it, the more and more i realize how not meant to be together the 2 of us were. i honestly have no idea why he would have loved me, or why he does love me. not because i deem myself incapable of being loved, but... i don't love him. i think i was lying to myself when i said i did, simply because i wanted to be loved so badly. i couldn't love someone like him, he is to...average. going to live a totally normal life, have 2.5 kids and live in a house with 3 bedrooms, a picket fence, and a minivan. that is completely not me. and in the long run, im sure he would have realized how not-average i am, and how much he didnt want that. but grrrr to the extreme anyways. why do i write in here? hmmm. it's alot easier than notebooks. the weird thing is, i hope no one reads these. hahaha what a loser i am. i am a little hungover today, well not really hungover just a little sick. a friend of mine from brazil is going back to brazil until august, and he is leaving today. we had a massive party for him last night, and i got pretty drunk. not trashed or anything, but it was alright. im gonna miss him! i have always had a little crush on him, even though he completely doesn't get IT, and not to mention he is way shorter than me, the amazon warrior princess on speed. but anyways, always kinda liked him but never really did anything with him. well that is, until last night. it was the end of the night, and i was saying goodbye and giving him a hug, telling him how much i would miss him, make sure you email and write me blah blah blah. then all of a sudden we were making out. weird. it happened so quick. but thats all we did was a little make-out-age. nothing more. i just felt kind of weird... well anyway, who cares. it just fits into my slut rep i guess. i am leaving now. adios.
la de da de fucking da.
i am moving.
does that excite you? because i am so excited i am totally about to instant orgasm.
i learned how to play guitar. i am so trendy right now, with my singing and writing, my piano and my guitar. word up mother. just call me avril and worship the ground i walk on.
i am leaving now
check ya later
You got me to pretend it wasn't on
I got you to lift the shackles off my wrists
You got me to love the blisters on my back
I got you to make me roses.
You told me the crooked slits held something nice
I told you that I had love inside my life
You told me the violet violence was regret
I told you to cut me deeper.
You poured love into my broken glass
I spit upon the paper thoughts that you held
You tried to sweep the shattered shards of me away
I found them and cut me deeper
You told me that love was beautiful and sunny
I told you I just wanted love to fuck me
You told me you would never destroy a smile
I told you to let me suffocate your heart.
Let me violate your empty vial of love
Let me vomit into your paper bag mind
Let me piss on your toilet covered face
Let me leave your pathetic pining behind
Let me abuse your lackluster being
Let me destroy your pride and happiness
Let me paint on your mask today
Let me bathe in the crimson mess
I got you to think my desire was true
You got me to shower you with venom passion
I got you to give me nothing that I wanted
You got me to give you all that I deserved
Yeah, so that is a song that i wrote... Super huh? yeah. don't waste your time on me.
I am over lee. I think. I still think he is a great guy... as long as I am not dating him. I went through my "Lee scrapbook" today and threw most of the crap away. Saved a couple letters and one picture. Yeah I am a sappy pack rat save a holic type person. It's pretty pitiful. I met a guy that I really really like. He's swell. His name is Jason and he has a friend named john john. heheheh.
I have a really cool friend named jack! HI JACK!!!!!!!!
I am leaving now. Superbly tired, I am I am.
Why do you prostitute my being?
Whore out my vaguely used heart.
Use me and leech of my life,
Huff and puff and blow me apart.
I need to have what I never can be,
It was stolen from me while i was fast asleep.
I don't believe your cunning smile
Twinkling and dancing while watching me weep.
You were a beautiful boy when I met you.
I longed to experience you at night
Blood red passion pouring to the ground
Corrupting all that had been white.
catch ya on the flip side.
holy freaking christ i havent written in here for awhile.....hmmm.... lee and i got back together, and now we are broken up AGAIN damn it. but this time i broke up with him. i know i know, its weird because i was just ready to kill myself because he broke up with me, but he seriously says the meanest things to me when ever he gets mad, and it really hurts me. he always tells me afterwards that he doesnt mean it, that he just says it out of anger, but it still hurts. i cant just pretend he didnt say those things, ya know? word hurt me alot, i cant just take things with a grain of salt. they ALWAYS affect me. and it sucks because i know i love lee so much, and i just dont know what to do right now. GRRRRR NESS! i am still spending half of next week at his new apartment for my spring break. i dont know how that is gonna go, but i really hope we get to talk abotu things and i hope we can work everything out because i love this guy. i love him so much!
well, moving on.... in other news, i got a new car yo! its a silver grand am.... lol dont mock me, its a nice car. a 1991 with only 80 000 miles on it. WORD UP SISTA! hell freakin yeah. i like it tho. i found a crack pipe in it the day i got it, so that was cool. anyways, check ya later...., catch ya on the flip side you i gotta bouce up outta my crib. word.
GOD DAMMIT GUYS SUCK SO BAD. i want to die. i dont understand lee, i dont understand men in general. i am so unbelievably pissed off right now.
ok i got off work tonight at midnight, so im kinda hungry and i decide to go to taco bell. so im sitting in the drive thru and i order my 7 layer burritto (mmmmmm), and i wait. and wait. and wait and wait and wait. like 10 minutes. then i finally get up to the window, and all the stupid ass had to do was give me my DAMN burritto and take my money, but instead he sits there with the window closed and takes the persons order when there are like 5 cars in line who's orders have already been taken and have been waiting almost as long as me. so i yelled what the fuck REALLY loud, and he looks at me, looks at my burritto sitting right on the DAMN COUNTER, smiles at me, then walks away. i was so pissed, i was about to bust a freakin cap in his ass and miracle whip his buns. but instead i floored it outta there pretty damn quick. squeeled my tires hardcore, left some pretty nice black marks.... oh yeah baby. with my mom's car too lol. i felt so cool. i love to just throw fits sometimes. its very stress relieveing.
so yeah... then theres lee. we are talking now. he keeps telling me he loves me and cares for me and all this other bs, but he doesnt know what he wants right now, so we arent dating. and it is confusing the HELL out of my emotions. i cant handle not being with him, just being friends. i always thought that if we ever broke up i would always want to be friends with him, but now i realize that that is way to hard. i cant handle him telling me he loves me and at the same time that he doesnt want to be with me. if he doesnt make up his mind about me soon, i have to tell him that i cant even be friends with him anymore. its too hard for me. life is so damn confusing sometimes i dont understand.
lee called me today.... god knows why, but he chose to call me at 8 00 in the morning, while i was on my way to school. he could have called me any other time in the past 4 days, but he chose to call me then!! but its alright because i was just so happy to talk to him i didnt even care. well we argued on and off all day... he told me that the other night when i thought he told me to never bother calling him again he actually said dont bother calling me tomarrow... . so i guess techinically he didnt "break up" with me. i still dont understand why he didnt answer his phone for like 4 days but whatever. i guess he was really mad at me and in a way i totally understand. well after arguing almost all day, we said some pretty mean things to eachother. he told me that he was going to stop caring about the things that i did, he wouldnt care if i hung out with other guys or anything like that, which is what i have wanted him to do for a long time, but i dont see it as not caring, i see it simply as trust, knowing that im just hanging out with these people for fun, and he can have 100 percent confidence that i will never cheat on him. the way he was wording it though made me feel kind of bad... well alot of the things he was saying made me feel kind of bad. i was crying alot, but then again i am a crying machine when it comes to certain things...... well anyways, i ended up telling him that i hate him, he said a few choice words to me that rhyme with witch and start with a b.... im sorry but it bothers me SO MUCH when people use that word, and he knows that it bothers me, but he used it anyways. well i guess we decided to just be friends for awhile. well actually he decided we should. he asked me what i thought, but what am i supposed to say when i know he only wants to be friends? i cant very well make him be in a relationship with me can i? so i'm just going to go with it for awhile. i love him so much as a person, and even though alot of the things he says to me are so hurtful, i know in my heart he said alot of them out of anger. so i am just going to go with the flow for awhile, at least i get to have him in my life at all. its just that i cant imagine not hugging him and kissing him the next time i see him, i cant imagine not being in his arms, its going to be so very hard. but im going to do it because its better than not having him in my life at all, right? right.
oh yeah, my friend chris was upset that there was nothing in here about him. so i guess i better say something about him, huh? so yeah. chris is cool. i like talking to him about kinky sex and midget porn. heheheheheh.
what does this have to do with pop tarts? hmmmmm........
you know, i wish i could get over lee. i really do. and i want to get over him. he is STILL ignoring me. but he is the best friend i have ever had, he made me feel better about myself than i ever have, and i dont want to let him go. GOD life is so confusing sometimes.
i might be buying a new car. its a volkswagon something or other, like halfway between a station wagon and a regular car. its really really cute. and thats all that matters right? yeah thats the reason i bought my old car and LOOK WHERE I AM NOW dammit. but volkswagons are good cars right? i hope so. well i am feeling kind of sick right now so i am going to sleepy. i love you.
lee still did not call me last night. i'm sure i know where he was, there was this chic named megan that he was kind of friends with and he always made it perfectly clear that the minute we broke up he was going to call her up. maybe thats why he was so eager to break up with me and wont let me explain anything at all. i think he was starting to like her more than me..... but how do i know for sure, cuz the jerk wont even talk to me at all. but i'm almost positive that that's who he was with last night, and that hurts really bad. while i sit at home, wallowing in my own self pity and feeling like my life is ending, he gets to go out and have fun with some chic. i'm starting to think that i wasn't anything special to him at all. i mean, this doesnt seem to be bothering him at all. granted, i haven't talked to him, but he hasnt been home.... i can't believe how empty i feel right now... its a feeling i've never felt before, i just feel so blah, like i am nothing, i have nothing, i will always be nothing. you know that old saying, its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? well that is bullshit. if i had never been in love, right now i would be totally happy, cheerful, bubbly, crazy, dorky me, just like i always was until now. but having been in love, and knowing that i have lost the only love i ever had and ever wanted, that hurts so bad, never having loved and not knowing what i was missing would be much better, because there would be no hurt at the end.
well i have to be going to work now, time to act all cheerful and helpful to the good old folks at wally world. last night while i was working a crabby woman came through my checkout lane, and i was not feeling the greatest, so when she said something i didnt understand, i said what? well she stops what she's doing, looks at me and says, "it should have been excuse me, not what." then she went and complained to one of my managers about me. i just sat there and laughed because i was extremely NOT in the mood for that. but yes, i better be on my merry way. later.
i just want to say that.... i love billy corgan. yes, billy corgan, the lead singer of the single most amazing band EVER, THE smashing pumpkins..... who are no more, but they still never cease to amaze me each time i listen to a cd. it almost makes me forget how empty i am without lee.... its really crazy how music can do that, it influences you're mood so much, especially sp. but then i just think about how lee opened my eyes to them, and i feel empty and alone again. he was so amazing, and i cant even tell you exactly why. he was so unbelievably not my "type"... actually quite the opposite.... but his love, for awhile there, was so real, he made me feel so wonderful about myself, so happy to be alive. and he is gorgeous. so unbelievably gorgeous. i love him so much, every time i speak or write his name i want to start sobbing uncontrolably. actually most of the time i do start crying at least a little bit. i love him, i dont think i will ever stop.
i feel like i want to die at the moment. i am so empty and so alone right now. my boyfriend lee broke up with me last night, and i feel horrible. he has trust issues, and he was so convinced that i was going to cheat on him, so convinced that i was talking to guys online, etc, and calling them, and a bunch of bullshit like that. well he made up some new name yesterday on yahoo and was talking to me, and i knew it him! i mean, come on i know my own damn boyfriend. well i got him to call me, and pretend he was this other guy, and he expected me to not know his voice? well i hung up on him and i called my boyfriend back at his house, and started talking to him, and as i was about to tell him that i knew it was him, he says, oh yeah by the way, i'm jason. i was that guy you were just talking to. he then hung up and didnt answer the phone all night. am i wrong to think that that is bullshit? he has major trust issues, and lately he has been telling me he was going to start trusting me more and stop accusing me of lying all the time, but that whole time he was just bs-ing me. god it hurts so bad. i dont know how to have a life without him, he is everything to me, and i love him so much, but at the same time right now i am so hurt, and so angry at him for doing this. i wish i would have told him earlier that i knew that it was him. he was the only good thing in my life, the only thing i loved, the only thing that brought joy and happiness to me. when i am with him, i feel like my life is complete, like i am done searching for the love that i have been searching for for so long, i feel like i belong with him more than i have ever belonged anywhere else. why did he have to do this? why doesnt he trust me? i dont understand it at all. i love him. without him i cant be myself.
damn. my car broke down yesterday, and what a crappy day it was. but not only did it break down, i blew the engine. so its BYE BYE car. and that makes me crabby. now i need to buy a new one. and i have no money whatsoever. so grrrrr.
um yeah other than that..... i love my boyfriend. maybe i can write more later. adios