Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in hollie B's Blurty:

Thursday, January 26th, 2006
9:05 pm	respect... only a small though this time. i was at a party friday night and this guy spent the entire night going with some girl then later on tried to kiss me! i mean i thoguht this guy respected me more than that. its giving me doubts...put yourself in my shoes how would you feel? surly you wouldnt be totaly oaky with. do you think im over reacting? i dunno maybe i am but ive had a while to think about it all so im not making this decison rashly i have sat down at thoguht about it, but the nital feeling i got from this really hasnt changed. Current Mood: worried Current Music: Yeah Yeah Yeah's - maps (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
8:57 pm	what do you mean i never mention andrew! hahaha! im going to do this to make a point to that annoying person who left a bitchy comment without leaving a name! andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew andrew (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
9:02 pm	my friends birthday... it was drews brithday on sunday and it made me realise somthing. i have the luck to share my 18th birthday with all my friends. we get t ocome into the 6th form block and have all our firneds rush up to us and hug us and wish us hapyp biorthday but i wont get that next year. god i wont even get that after summer. its weird im so used to seeing all my friends every day. including my best firend. im so used to working with andrew on the weekends. i really dont know how im going to cope. yeah i know ill meet new people but ive known all my fiends for years and years i just cant repalce them like that. its liek this week. cos of exams i hadnt really seen drew all week and honestly i felt like ushc a loner. like i was at a loss or somthing. going to uni and leaving everyone behind is really starting t oht home now. i really dont know how ill be able to dela with it all. i mean what if me and drew end up in universities at opposit ends of the country? i only get 6/7 weeks off a year i cant manage with seeing my best friend for hardly any time at all when i practicaly se him every day. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Dynasty Warriors 4- Straight Ahead (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 13th, 2006
11:37 pm	ive been insturcted to update... well i got a comment today to update my blurty so i thoguht i will. is weird i normaly only use blurty to post my feeling when im feeling extreamly down or to post events that have left me feeling extreamly high or extreamyl low and since i havernt felt anything that has effect me greatly i guess ive over looked updating, well i lie alot of thingshave been gonig on but oaky ill ugess ill start filling everybody in on whats bee ngoing on since december. well first of was the ski trip. i cant even begin to tell you all how much fun this was! okay it was totoaly unfiar how the nazi dictatorship the teachers put upon us ie searching our rooms and our bags, but like anything if you want to have fun you do ave to amke your own fun! liek at dinner tiems for example! they were so much fun! (power wanking! or danger wanking! i mean come on its funny but did we need to discuss it while we were eating??!!) and spending tiem in the sauna and best of all was sitting with rhys and drew while they palyed guitar and sang. oh yeah and snowboarding was fun to!!!!! then christmas has come and gone...we got a puppy! a lil king charles callled alfie john! hes lovly but hes a hell of a lot of work lol then was sum stuff invovling me and drew that resurfaced and this left alot of people getting hurt. i can normaly let things go straight over my head but this one really got me. ki have now got over it but this thing could have ended soemones realtionship! its could have borken to people up!. i did not want to get invovled with what happened but if they had borken up i never would have forgiven myself. drew is happy with luce. and drew s my best friend and i want to see him happy! but its all over and done with now and from what ive see nadn heard things are good between luce and drew. OOoooo mackey and gamsie came home for uni and christmas and we went for lunch! that was such a good itme i like seeing them two. new years eve was fun apart from what thet horribul horribul man did to mackey! oh and mackey thanks for leanding me dynasty warriors 4 ITS SO AMAZING!!!!!! i eve nbought the book, romance of the 3 kingdoms. ill lend it to you when ive finished it. then last but not least guys. i mean as far as im concernd i hardly even get guys liking me but tiher are currnetly 2. okay the first one is a really really great guy who likes all the same things as me nad doesnt think im all geeky and sad for it either, but and i know this sounds sad, but i dont find any physical attraction for him, look you can all sit thier and think 'OMG how supefical is she?!' but you all know as well as i do that you do need t ohave that elemnt of physical attraction. and the other guy i do think is personally very good looking but im not sure what ot make of him. unlike the other guy i can only imagen this guy laughing at me and thinknig me sad for likng waht i like. and i really dont want that. and ive been realyl messed around and hurt by soem people before and i can only see this guy hurting me as well. i mean i tohught this guy hated me! he hardly ever talks to me nad last time he did all he did was laugh at a spot on my forehead. hmm i dunno. im still waiting for 'the one'. is it sad that i know exaclt what i want him to be like? Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: samantha ronson - built this way (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 9th, 2005
9:52 pm	tuesday night! WOW the fancy dress disco was so much fun! i had a great time!!!!!!!! (even if my feet did feel liek they were gonig to fall off at the end) it was so much better than last year, everyone got stupidly driunk last year and lots of people were being sick and crying over silly little things. but everyone was happily drunk this time around. hehe me and drew did lots of dancing! hehe ive never seen drew dance to anything liek that before! and watching dave clubbing was somthing i thoguht id never see! and the ski trips coming up! oh it will be so mcuh fun! im gettingreally really excited now. yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: happy Current Music: greenday - time of your life (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
8:24 pm	Which literature classic are you? J.R.R. Tolkien: Lord of the Rings. You are entertaining and imaginative, creating whole new worlds around yourself. Well loved, you have a whole league of imitators, none of which is quite as profound as you are. Stories and songs give a spark of joy in the middle of your eternal battle with the forces of evil. Which literature classic are you? brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood: giggly Current Music: Mousse T - Right About Now feat. Emma Lanford (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
12:35 pm	heya...! havent really updated this thing in a while so i think i will now. jsut had a midwife come to the house to prep me ready for my uni interveiw on monday. i cant wait it will be great! i think i really have a god chance of getting in ( well i bloody hope so but competiton is really high!) have been really offened recently by another blurty member. yes fair paly it wasnt a direct jab but what she said really annoyed and offended me! fair paly everyones allowed an opinion but she was so off the mark. yet i refuse ot say anymore becasue i dont wnat to upset her boyfriend. But im not the only person who feels this way! (which is always reasure to know that i havent jsut gone totaly off on one) plus their have been really big bust ups between a clsoe group of friends. which from what i already knew was gonig to happen anytime now it was jsut a matter of waiting to see who finaly had enough first. but all this group seem to do is bitch (or 'discuss') other members of this group behind each others back. what sort of healthy friendship does that develop anyway? none at all, thats what. they need to sort everything between them out or their risking losing everything! somthing which i know would upset them. but soem people in this group are to stubborn to admit that they might be wrong. but even i will admit (from where im standing because i AM NOT a member of this group) that some egos have grown a little bit TO big. people need to sit down and take good long looks at them selfs. all i really know is that i odnt like seeing any of them upset. they are my firends after all!!!!!!! i hope everything gets sorted out and they all start making sweet music together again! Current Mood: worried Current Music: Hikaru Utada - Kingdom Hearts (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
9:22 pm	i tohught this was amusing... Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||| 54% Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 66% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 70% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Narcissistic |||||||||| 34% Avoidant |||||||||| 34% Dependent |||||||||||| 42% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||||| 74% Take Free Personality Disorder Test personality tests by similarminds.com Current Mood: crazy Current Music: smashing pumpkins - disarm (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 21st, 2005
11:57 pm	Love and friendship and my thoughts that go with it... Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or Saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs. Have u ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own.... when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other perso n was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
10:08 pm	wish i could change who i am... currently im sitting here listing to snow patrol - how to be dead. and i think its amamzing, the lyrics are jsut fantastic! but then again a depressing song liek this isnt exactly what i nedd right now. god i find myself picking me apart. listing all my faults and compairng myslf constatly to those i consider to be 'perfect' or 'above me'. i sit here soem times thinking i am who i am, each to his own, but i feel like im trying to convince a non beliver. its like trying to convert a deaf person, your mouth is moving and your using all your best lines to make them belvie what your telling them but in the end it doesnt matter because they cant hear a word. but latly ive been wishing that i was anyone but myself. god id give anything to look and act different, jsut to be a whole different person. its gotten to the point where when ever i see myself in the mirror i fucking hate what i see looking back at me. im sick of being a fat ugly spotty teenager. god i see some of my firends take people leike kate, ella, carys and lizzie ( to name but a few) thier amazing looking people with plenty of people aorund to tell tem that. i spend ages getting ready to go any where, even to schhol because i know that my beatuiful friends are going to be thier. its like these people are never alone. okay lets take guys for an example, thiers always one guy or another chasing my friends. and i know im not alone in saying this, cosi know dman well im not the only girl out tiher who feels like this, but its never hard t onotice how mcuh attention some people get. and its these people who are those beatuful size 8 that people worship. god without soundin like osme big headed bitch i would love to have that osrt of attention, if i had the option thiers nothing i wouldnt change about myself. even my personality, i hate my personality. like ive siad before i wish i wasnt so loud and weird when im around people. because i know hats what everyone thinks i am, 'weird'. im jsut that annoying weird one who annoyes people. and its only infront of people that i become hat extrovert type personality, im so differnt when im alone. i better people would like me so much more if i was like that all the time. if i was cute and giggly, if i was smart and fuuny. not into weird things like computer games. i dont like the person i am. i wish i could change who i am. im sorry i jeep writing entires like this but this is pretty much my only outlet. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: snow patrol - how to be dead (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 11th, 2005
11:24 pm	not really having the best time here, im definatly feeling like im on a very very steep downhill spiral and what ever i seem to do i cant get out of it, i jsut come home or spend time by myself and feel unterly depressed, im really not being dramtic here this is really how i feel. like otday i found out that i was the only one not invited to one of my closest firends d oat her house, you have no idea how much that hurts, it really does. i mean its bad enough that i dont feel like i fit it but this was once again just the icing on the cake. ive also realised how much people bitch and it makes me wonder what people say about me, even my best friend. people wonder why i dont like trusting them. also found out that some guy i like, likes soemone else. which isnt upsettin its jsut, well annoying, god good lets not get carried away with him im not in love him, jsut a lil silly teenage crush, but its still annoying, also it odesnt help my shamlessly low self esteam. thing is i havnet met anyone new in so long, i would love to meet some new people, i havent really seen anyone who i think is good looking in aaaaaaaaagggggggeeeeeeessssssss, and i know that even if i do find someone they never go for people like me, i mena come on how many guys fancy girls liie me?! im obssessed with anime, playstation 2 video games and some other weird stuff, it also doesnt help when i have amazingly pretty friends like ella carys and lizzie ect. you feel like poeple look straight past you and to them. god im sick of having no luck! things with me and andrew are so mcuh better,then again maybe its jsut because i said in another post that i was unhappy, its horribul i feel like i always end up following him around, and i only do it because hes my best friend. i jsut want to spend time with ihm. id never ever ask him to stop seeing his girlfriend (becasue well, shes his girlfriend) asking that of him is just plain wrong and i know how important band practice is to him. its sjut someone liek me i jsut want to fit in, and when im with my best firned i do feel so much better. but im worried about getting 'clingy' and when i worry imi worried that i annoy him which makes me scared that he jsut goes off to luce or rhys and jsut bitches about me. well i guess thats my little depressve out burst for now, lol sorry for putting you threw that. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: setuik de nami (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
7:56 pm	my two cents hmm today has been another one of THOSE days. rhys and andrew were tlaking about somthing today and when i gave my opinion, the opinion im ALOUD to have he jumped right down my throut, yeah so what im not in their band, doesnt bother me to be honest but i still felt i was in my right to have my 2 cents over the subject. since it invloved someone i knew! hmmm maybe me and rhys were jsut saying the same thing in a diffeent way and confusing each other, but he been so fukin moody with me latley, worse than normal, well if he wants t obe liek that he can, im not going to go out of my way to be friends with someone who cant be bothered back. he really really offened me today. how dear he tell me that becasue im not in his precious band that i cant have an opinion! god he doesnt have to listen to what i think! oh well at least lunch time was better, be and drew went down the bridge at lunch which wsa good, latly i fee llike i hardly ever get to spend real time with jsut him. we had a laugh mind. i looked so silly, i had cherry randy and coke to drink in a brandy glass hehe. i like being in small groups, you know one or two people. OOOooo and ive been inform of somthing rather scary about boo! gah very creepy young man indeed. lol Current Mood: angry Current Music: kryptonight (Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
5:20 pm	hmmm got to admit what i worte last time was a little intense, maybe a bit TO dramatic? i dunno. god made me feel better tho! lol Current Mood: embarrassed Current Music: madonna - dont tell me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:20 am	my first entry...so this is where ill tell it, as i feel, it is... good god at the moment i have ot onestly say that up thier, inside my head, is awash with confusion. thiers so much going on that its begining to bring me down. seriously down. but naturaly with me being me ill do m best from stoping you seeing this, thats me. i am the emotional rock. i tend to deal with everything by myself. thier has only been one time where i have ever had to turn to anybody for support. it was, as pernormal with me, all over a guy. after what i would call a very horribul night invloving someguyi got really pset, far more upset than normal with me, and i reang my ex in floods of tears. now i know this seems weird but i fear being weak infront of people, i dont like letting my guard down in front of anybody and doing this, did make me feel better for actualy talking to someone, but you have no idea the ocurage it took for me to do somthing as simple as tell someone how i was really feeling bout tht person what they had done and all my silly teenage troubles at that moment. its gotten t othe point now where thier is one person who i want to tell alot of things to but i havent, and i swear thier are very good reasons, well i think thier good, why i havent. the thing is this person has told me alot of things over the past few months and blevie it or not im having a really ard time accepting/beliveing what it is he tells me. there are alot of reasons why. but thier are so many things i want to tell this person. im not going to ever tell that person face to face becasue my time would be very bad since he's seeing some one and after messing round sorting my head out i dont want to bring up and 'me and him' situation right now. but bottom line is i dont think this guy really knows me, and i mean really knows me. im a mess pure and simple. people never see jsut how messed up i realy am. my self-asteam is constantly rock bottom to a point where ihate my slef, totaly and utterly hate myself. how ever dramatic this seems i can assure you this is waht i feel. this person is so self assured that i honestly dont think he would even want a girlfriend like that. ive seen what hes like with his girlfriends especily his current one, and tyhier jsut so full on with each other, jsut really phsical and that the type of people he likes and im not like thati am far more subdue than that. i honestly think that as soon as he would realise what im like he would thin kthat everything between us is exactly the oppisit from what he wants. but on top of all his its kinda how he makes me feel now. im not the smartist person in the wrold but thos guy makes me feel so dumb. everything thing i say every comment i make im always wrong or need correcting in some way. you have no idea what its like to be surrounded by so many smart people and to feel like your getting constantly put down by them. for so one iactually call my best friend, in my personal opion i dont know why i do. how ever hardi try i fall second best to everyoe else. i actually have to fight for my best friends attention. i cant ever see myself being with that person. i cant ever see him being my 'prince charming' that every girl wants. its kind of sad really. then again my absoulte and totaly self harted doesnt help. i really on this guy as my best friend more than i think he knows. even if i choose not to tell him whats wrong, that fact that hes actually spending time with me is more than enough to help me, but when yo feel like such a freak that you jsut dont fit in anywhere wher else do you turn? ive never really fitted in and i have to try twice as hard as anyone else t od othat.how sad does al this seem, my god all i want to to actaully feel accpeted into a group of people, an finaly establish enough trust in one person, have someone who wont betray my trust to able t otell all this sort of stuff to. funny isnt it how looking at me and how i act that you would never have guessed that this is the shit that fills my mind daily. i have officaly perfected the art of coverin up how i truly feel to put that same mask on that i put on daily to fool you all.. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: 1000 words (2 Comments |Comment on this)