| 18 hours of sleep....i feel nice and....rested? | ||||
| 12:27pm 14/04/2003 | ||||
|
||||
| Read 3 - Post | ||||
satisfied| perfection is an illusion...unless youre blear...then you are truly perfect | |||
| 05:56pm 26/02/2003 | |||
| thank you blear. your entries are always entertaining although i think never that long. i tried to do what you said. i forgot about you for a week and tried a girl. i thought she was perfect and guess what? i fucked myself over again. everyone is so different from you. this seriously proves that you are the one for me. you are the only one left to break my heart and you have it....trust me. i knew it wouldn't turn out. didn't i tell you? it's ok though. i have you. i hope for always. so ansleigh is still supposedly loving me and i'm all how bout no. *shrugs* snowed last night. we're off again today mom says probably the rest of the week too. michelle got sad when i told her that normal people suck and she is now normal like everyone so i decided i'm making her a cd of emo music to make her feel worse HAHAHAH god im a bitch with relationships. no not really it's just the fact that i get so jealous and i mean when you fuck around with people and you don't even know their names? that's just bad. and i know .....i fucking know it'd hurt with her. but hey ya know it's cool. people were made to be a disappoiontment to me. i'm very hungry. but finally i've caught up on my sleep! so hah blear! in yo face ! *booty dance* i'm feeling cuddly. blear you know you wanna be here to be my cuddle bunny! or me be there....with your broken glass. and....dress up. :) you make me happy love. talk to you when i can......bye! | |||
| Read 2 - Post | |||
| 03:02am 24/02/2003 | |||
|
blear you best update yo gul dern journal for i whip you....wait....that'd be fun....DON'T UPDATE YOUR JOURNAL! anyways i love you and as a result of that bothering me (although it's not so bothersome because it keeps me alive) i can't sleep! see the time! it's 230 or 300 or sometin....hmmm my keyboard is LOUD it's all clicking at me. my life is uneventful. i need to meet people. later |
|||
| Read 1 - Post | |||
| oh god | ||||
| 12:30pm 17/01/2003 | ||||
well. whoever said i'm chicken shit should be happy now. i walked out of school yesterday. all the way downtowon in a tshirt....no coat. yeah that's right. FUCKING COLD long walk as well. so anyways i left not because i was bored not because i was sad ....well ok that was half of it. not because i wanted to feel cool , but because i was fucking pissed. and to tell the truth unless they wanted me to go columbine on their asses it's a good thing i did leave. but not only was it cold....i was on a highway. with...like...wind and stuff. brrr. ok here's the story. i was in the guidance office 2nd block. i was talking to lawrence about shit. about like how my compulsions and obsessions are getting worse and how like social anxiety is as well. i mean jesus i can hardly talk anymore. and she's all well take it day by day and minute by minute and just...fuck everyone they don't matter. she's like just tell yourself 5th period will be ok. so i did and this was the odd part because i normally never take her advice. but today i thought...hey why not. let's give this shit a shot and see if this bitch knows what she's talking about. so i mean i had my wool gloves on ...during school because ...so i wouldn't pull my hair out and pick my skin open anymore...you know trying to break my habits. she's like that's really awesome that you're taking steps to do things better. i'm like yeah ......and then we talked about the staring thing. of course for the past like...week with the exception of the days i ran out of normal clothing i have been dressing really really normal. like preppy even. but anyhow i'm like i'm preppy but people still look at me. she's like well think of it this way ash....they're most likely not even staring at you. why would they care that much to stare at you for that long? i'm like i dunno....(but they do). so i walk upstairs to geometry and as i'm walking.....i pass an LD classroom at which the kids are standing outside. now keep in mind i stare at the floor when i walk. i don't look up for fear of confirming my thoughts that people are staring at me. so i'm walking....not even fucking LOOKING at those idiots.....and one goes woah what's up with the gloves??? then they all crack up laughing. at which point everything that lawrence has just explained to me has proved to have been a lie. i hate lying to myself. so i walk into geo throw my shit in my bag, take of my gloves and throw them in there then run down to guidance again. i walk back in her office and there is someone back there talking to her but at this point i don't care. i'm yelling and shaking really fucking bad but i don't care because i need to tell her. so she excuses herself from the girl and the girl looks at me like i'm fucking insane and i must look it because .....i look scared as well as mad. and i am. i'm on my own now. no one is standing up for me but myself. and i always back down when it comes to this. but i've reached the breaking point that's taken me so long to come to and i'm through playing games with these people. so i tell her what happened and i tell her that she lied to me and i had to lie to myself and she asks if i care that they were LD and i say i don't give a fuck if they're the most popular jock in school it's still making fun. i tell her i'm tired of getting made fun of by everyone despite what i do or wear i'm always made fun of and nobody cares. i say i hate this school i'm leaving and i catch the receptionist's eye as i walk out the door with tears running down my face because i'm so mad and she looks terrified. i don't even bother going to my locker. i walk straight out the foreign language hall doors down the hill climb over the barbed wire and walk downtown. i sat in the daily grind and sipped hot chocolate until all the foam was gone. then i called jamie and he took me home. when i got home i called mom then i slept until it was time for my psychology appointment. mom wasn't mad. she said ashley i know you were upset but you can't walk out on all of your classes like that school is important. i'm not mad. trust me i'm not. i just don't want you walking out on such a cold day without your coat. i called lawrence and she asked where i was i said home she said you really left? i said.....i don't lie. then hung up. i'm tired of people's bullshit and it's starting to show. i'm not able to keep it inside anymore. i've been making everyone upset. lashing out a lot. saying things i don't even mean. but what do they expect when they shove false information down my throat......the bad things will explode.....i just don't know when. forgive me. |
||||
| Post | ||||
aggravated| 10:48am 06/01/2003 | ||||
i think you don't love me anymore as much. but that's ok. it's expected. people get bored. if you still love me then i am suprised. i stayed at lauryn's house saturday night. it was fun. i saw pogo at the mall and he gave me a flyer for an upcoming kittie show. right on. although sik are gonna be there *sticks tongue out* i hate them. but i have a kittie fetish. i missed staying at lauryn's house though. we used to be such good friends. we listened to pop goes punk in her room with the lights off but the black lights were on. she lit a bunch of candles. we saw ansleigh at the mall. i made her mad cuz i kept picking at her. *shrugs* but it was funny. we're cool now though i apologized. i had to sleep in will's room cuz i didn't feel like sleeping on her floor so i slept in his bed. there has never been a family so obsessed with blacklights...i swear. and i'm one that can sleep with no light preferrably or not sleep at all....so. so in the morning i woke up because i needed to go to work and her mom told me to wake her up. i woke her up but she made lots of sleepy noises so i went back downstairs. in other news. it snowed yesterday which resulted in our getting out of school again. i'm starting to think we'll never go back. which is fine with me. i miss blear.....so much. i keep having these dreams. not only sex dreams...well i mean i have sex dreams but ...ahhhh...um..what? meagan moved to her dad's in west virginia. i'm literally jumping for joy. she just...moved..hahah. it's like hey i feel like moving today. ON THE OTHER HAND. she still has my distillers cd....god fucking damn ex girlfriends. good bye. |
||||
| Read 1 - Post | ||||
| she bites the heads off her mutual friends | ||||
| 11:09am 27/12/2002 | ||||
1. Jason we're talking again....talking sort of. but we are not and will not be friends again after he pulled that shit on me and also after i have finally broken free of the strain on my mind....the kind that kept me coming back for more even though it hurt and i felt worthless. to truly understand this friendship we had and i do use the word HAD you'd have to go back before the magic tournaments....before the band....before he liked ian better....shit before he even knew ian because keep in mind he just met ian this year thanks to me. you'd have to go all the way back to the point when he used to look up to me. not the other way around. when i used to be one of the originals before.....all of this shit they have now. to when he was to nervous to even talk to me although we had similiar classes. yeah....that's how things used to be. before ....yeah just before. 2. Santana ex girlfriend maybe. but potential friend still. yeah over two years she's treated me like utter shit. complete scum. but no....i came back ever time to fix it. the love never faded. because i was a sucker. and if you asked me now i'd still say yeah i miss that. not the pain. not finding out she made out with my ex girlfriend. not her getting drunk and doing god knows what. not her saying that i was fucked up. i missed the hugs the kisses the holding hands. optimistic relationship blow hard. but now i read her journal of course friends only and she is disgusted with me yet again. first off because jason told her that that night was my fault. second off people are probably saying me and meagan are together. third off....so many others....so many possibilities. but i tell you man. i'm allowed to have mutual friends also. no mine aren't fuck buddies. those are yours. i'm different. i'm not a fucking sheep basking in the glow of irrational movement. fuck them. 3. Meagan fuck off 4. Blear my only one. ok i wish i could just scream it to everyone instead of reinstating it time after time. blear is the one i want. she's the one. perfection wrapped up in the cool silky paper with a blue bow. (cuz i like blue) if ....if only so many things were changed. i swear on macaroni and cheese (because god isn't swearable) that i would conform to anything for her. i'd die live hurt be happy.....anything. all for her. the feelings are indescribable. it's something i have absolutely no control over. it's missing her 5 minutes after hanging up the phone.....it's the good part of the relationship but then again.....there is no physicality. no i'm not talking about sex (although i could) i'm talking about stupid emo things like holding hands or just laying somewhere holding her in my arms and feeling the jolts of emotion that only comes from someone elses touch. that is what i want. more than anything. more than talking to jason or being friends with santana or fuck even getting meagan off my back. i'd give up anything.....the end |
||||
| Post | ||||
melancholy| anything when i'm high | ||||
| 05:59pm 22/12/2002 | ||||
|
||||
| Read 1 - Post | ||||
|
mutilateme |
||
|
Friends Info Calendar Shit. |
||