Dear Diary...

Knawing

[Thu 03 09|11:17pm]

[

mood

scared

]

Every day I'm scared.
I'm afraid its going to come back.
I'm afraid I'm no longer going to be me.
I'm afraid ill be alone.
I'm afraid I will revert back to prior conditions.
I'm afraid I won't be able to pull myself back out of it again.

I'm afraid that I don't know the answers.
I'm afraid my gut says I do.

Caught Fire

optional [Wed 02 09|11:27pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

You never realize how much you need something until its gone. Something that picks you up when no one seems to be able to keep you standing.

I'm a mess and a half and there is nothing I can do about it. I try and talk to others about it and yet its a damper on their day. So I'm just going to keep it to myself and bottle it up. It certainly didn't take me long to be able to get back into the swing of things. I really hoped though that being away would have stuck a bit longer with me than it did but I guess not. Now the plan is to work all the hours I can and keep busy so my head doesn't get ahead of me. On the other hand its as if when I get out of work and set my ass in the car, it all comes baring down on me again.

Something needs to change. I need my lifeline back. I need my strength. I need my crutch that helps me get through the day. I need a savior.

Caught Fire

in it alone [Sat 03 09|11:45pm]

[ mood | disappointed ]

[ music | paramore - brand new eyes ]

I tried talking to my mom about my pains and it didn't work out so over the last few days I've been trying to ignore it as much as possible. No luck. Idk what to do anymore but take it day to day.

I'm gonna lay down and do my bills and get some sleep but I really wish some things would be different. No regrets right? I aint got nothin but a sack full of em.

Gnight

Caught Fire

shoulder [Tue 29 09|1:26am]

[ mood | uncomfortable ]

I feel like lately I've been looking over my shoulder waiting for something to sneak up on me. I don't know what to do other than to brace myself. I mean what else can you do because it's not like I'm going to go and spill my heart open about all of my concerns with a friend or family member because then it'll create nothing but drama and people either thinking I'm crazy or get scared. Or b) I could talk to a doctor and have them think that I'm crazy too and not take my concerns seriously. At ths point I feel like I'm sitting in a heap of a mess on the floor with no way to stand up and get past it. I'm caught in a fog and there is no one I can talk to about it.

I don't want it to be true. I don't want the progress to be for nothing. I just want to be normal with regular aspirations and dreams and yet something always gets in the way.

I never had the chance to be a kid and then I got dumped into the world of being an adult without even being able to adjust. I've experienced nothing and I'm 21, then on the other hand I have more "life experience" than some 40yr olds. I just want normal! I don't want worries or being afraid of a pain or a cold. I want to feel free to drink without it effecting my medicines. I want to be reckless and not care about going out all night and making out with a guy at a club - normal young people stuff. And yet I'm stuck in this body that is worn out and achey after working an eight hour shift, or instead of going out I'm going to a million different doctor appointments and specialists to tack down what's wrong this week.

I'm done with being me.

Caught Fire

wet days. [Sun 16 09|3:27am]

[ mood | emotional ]

[ music | Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist ]

Today was full of emotions.
Extreme highs & extreme lows.

I didn't get almost any sleep last night. Well that is until this morning at like 7 when I fell asleep which in turn ended up making me late for work by an hour. Then I ended up fighting more with Kara - getting pissed off and overwhelmed. Talked to Ryan on my break - felt like shit. Called my mom with the last 5 minutes I had left on my 15 and cried because I just didn't know what to do. But thankfully after I got off the phone with her I went back and talked to Kara some more and we both apologized and admitted we were wrong. I have to admit though, it really was the first time in a while I had smiled and I needed it when she said those words - "GRAPEJELLY". I felt like a whole world of weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

After everything was said and done - other than the whole drama thing - work wasn't all that bad. Except for the fact that I was sitting by myself doing nothing but reading because it was going so damn slow. I did get most of the first True Blood book finished though over the last two days with sue not being at work. Anyways, afterwards we went back to my house and I made dinner like the nice little suzie homemaker I am, and we watched 17 again. I know I know, Kara watching a Zac Efron movie but I knew she would love it and thankfully she trusted me enough to actually watch and she did. She is even prolly going to buy it if it goes on sale at Blockbuster or something I'm sure. But I don't believe Im supposed to say that.lol

We had a lot of laughs - there were even points there were I was gasping for air laughing with either her or Ryan. Oh yeah, he came over too while we were watching the movie. All in all I think that today was very productive. We went through a lot of bullshit but at the end of the day we were in better shape than before we got into the fight. I don't exactly know what it is about us. But when it comes down to it, we do have our little tiffs and sometimes one little thing can turn into another and another, and before we know it we have a fight that is like popping a balloon and letting all the pressure free. Although I do have to say that we didn't speak from Wednesday to Saturday and that is definitely a long time for us. Especially going a full day at work yesterday without one word. Let's not do that again k?lol

After they left I put in the Unborn for my mom to watch and I tried too but I fell asleep through it all. Who would have thought that what did I wake up to, no not the screaming or anything from the Unborn but instead the sound of a collition in Armageddon. I don't know what it is with me and that movie but I love it mroe than soft pretzels when I'm nausiated.lol FYI: That's a lot! I just got done watching Degrassi Goes Hollywood and cried my eyes out like a baby. So I figured I'd go something more funny and watch Nick & Norah now.

That means I'm leaving.

Peace nikkas.

forever&always
blast from the past

Caught Fire

FUCK!! [Sat 15 09|4:01am]

[ mood | irritated ]

I can't sleep.
It's killing me.
Tomorrow is going to be long.
Especially after no sleep.

But I have to say something.

Caught Fire

Backslider [Wed 05 09|4:40am]

[ mood | hungry ]

[ music | Everywhere-Michelle Branch ]

At the moment I am in the midst of the throws of a ton of different emotions. I guess at first all I was thinking of was stopping the pain. I had no idea of what kind of process I was in for. All I thought of was being able to eat normal food without putting on orajel or chew on a certain side of my mouth. Little did I know that the pain I felt before may have been inconvenient, but at least I had chewing surface. Now all I have on the bottom of my mouth are gums in the back on both sides.

The surgery was rediculous right off the bat but that probably had something to do with the fact that the surgeon was being a dick. Then on top of that I walked away in a hell of a lot more pain than I was bargaining for, not to mention the fevers that came along with everything for more than a few days. Infact, I believe that it finally broke yesterday during the day after having been raising havoc since Friday night.

I have a re-check at 930am with the doctor so he can check back up on my pain level as well as the fever status. While I'm there I'm going to have to talk to him and see what he has to say about my eating predicament. I mean I know kids everywhere get their wisdom teeth taken out all the time. What I know they don't have to put up with is having 4 bottom molars taken as well. It is not only a confidence killer knowing you are lacking teeth as it is not attractive, as it is also quite depressing having to take 30 minutes to eat a grilled cheese sandwich or pb&j. I want chinese. I want steak. I want a cheeseburger and fries. I am just so done with mushy foods. I want substance in the form of MEAT... and this is why I could never be a vegetarian. I can't think of anything but meat and crispy fried foods while I am currently in the state of not being able to chew.

I'm done complaining. I allowed myself to take 10 minutes and vent and that is what I did. Now I am going to go and try to sleep or if I can't get to sleep soon, I will have to stay up so I can make sure Dad gets here in time to take me to the dr's. PEACE

p.s. I'm starving!

[[1]] Caught Fire

Therapeutic // [Fri 17 09|5:43am]

[ mood | artistic ]

[ music | alarm clock ]

So I think I'm going to start writing on this again. It may be therapeutic for me to express myself but in a constructive way that I also am pretty damn sure that no one reads since I haven't even written on this damn page in prolly over 3 years. Ok well its like 6am and I need to rest a little before work. I'll rearrange everything later on tonight when I have time after I get out of work because it is pretty much an understatement to say that this layout and everything is very old school for me and I have definitely changed a lot in the past 3 years. Alright, PEACE!

Caught Fire

[Mon 06 06|8:18pm]

[ mood | indescribable ]

[ music | :// silence ]

Right now I cant say how terribly sorry I am for everything I sed. I wasnt feeling well at all last night so I ended up taking some pills that I know regret taking. I have been severly depressed these past few days, and yet I dont show it. But most importantly I did something I would never have done if I was in the right mind, I questioned my own best friends motives. Sure I question everyones, but this ones different, we've been through shit you usually only see in the movies. But even worse, I made her feel like crap and like everything was her fault. When the real truth is that I will never be able to forgive myself for abandoning her for so long. Sure some would say it wasnt my fault but if I had just made more of an effort to keep things like they were before. and I could have asked my mom to go away for the afternoon while I hung out with Kara, but I didnt know how to deal with the unknown. I didnt know that by having her there with us would effect out friendship so tramatically.

Second, I mentioned that Ive given up on our friendship, well think again, I sed this before in another situation, and its something I live by, "Im in for the long hall". I cant stress how sorry I am that I even questioned your motives and everything. And to be totally honest, if anything did happen between us, I wouldnt be able to move on, Id honestly die in a short period of time from a broken heart.

I cant stress enough how I wasnt in the right mind at all when I wrote that. But im assuming that it came from somewhere, prolly just the depression setting in. I totally think that I most likely said all those things especially about me moving on, because I figured I was letting you off the hook so you didnt have to deal with me and my bullshit.

Well I am now waiting for Kara to come online, hopefully she does tonight. && just so you know, I remember every sleep over we ever had, everyday we spent together, in or outside of school, good mood days and bad, the crying, the laughter, everything. Believe me when I say this, I will fight to the death on not letting this die. But I cant do it myself. And so far it seems like you are willing to work on it too, which is awesome. But I really think that hopefully things will go back to somewhat normal once school for me starts back up.

p.s. I cant help it if I get jealous that Seth is now doing all the things with you and your family that I used to. So im sorry but I cant help but feel like Im being replaced in that aspect, but dont worry, Im working on getting over it.

Caught Fire

[Mon 06 06|1:06am]

[ mood | disappointed ]

[ music | Walk The Line Soundtrack ♥ ]

Once again, its been a while since Ive even updated this thing. But to be totally honest with you, the only reason I am is because most of my friends would read it on myspace blog but I know for a fact that no one would read it if I posted anything on here. So basically im avoiding starting having people pittying me and so on. I really hate that. and then there are those people out there that pretend like they feel bad and care when really, they dont give a shit.

Sure I have tons of people I know, and a crap load of friends. But Ive gotten to the point where Ive had to weed through those people and figure out who is really there for me, and who is standing near by just because they think thats what they oughta do just because I got cancer. yeah, I sed it!

For example, Jessy. I cant thank her enough for being there for me. She came to the hospital to visit me on more than one occasion. She tried keeping me in the loop on different activites and with certain people. But most importantly she has never made me feel pittied or like I am any different than anyone else in the world. && that is what I want most from people. I can honestly say that since I met her, nothing has changed between us, and perhaps the only thing that might have, is the amount I adore her grows with every passing day. I could never thank her enough for making me feel like part of the gang and just being a good friend to me.

And then there are those people where I feel our friendship has suffered because of this obstruction, and yet I dont understand why. We were best of friends before and yet now, I hardly get any calls && even worse, I never see you. I feel like Ive lost half of myself, essentially my reason to go on. my reason for going through the shit I put up with. And yet it just seems like you are going on like nothing has even changed. but perhaps thats because when we told eachother all those times that we were soulmates, you honestly didnt mean it. But Im happy for you that you actually found your soul mate. god knows we all need one. Perhaps I oughta stop bitching and get on with finding a new one huh? Sounds like a good idea, but it will take some time for me to cope with this. So if you could just let me do this on my own time and not when it suits everyone elses schedule, dont worry, ill be out of your hair soon enough.

Ill leave you with this....

I think I lost the greatest love of my life

[[3]] Caught Fire

Never enough____ [Tue 27 05|2:43pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

[ music | Tom Cruise | Ignorance ]

I kno that I havent updated this thing is a really long time but I think that it is a very good idea because of the current circumstances. For the ones that really arent on the up and up with me and my health ill give you the 2 cent update...My cancer came back even worse, so i had more chemo and then a stem cell transplant and now i cant be in public/school until about february march time. Okey you have been caught up.

On a more deeper and personal note, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have also been kind of alienating myself from others. i almost never get any calls at all never mind calls from my brothers friends as well but everytime the phone rings i immediately cringle because i dont want to talk to anyone (besides Kara), i even go as far as to shout, im sleeping. I really dont know why i do this but ive been doing it on aim aswell. I mean there is almost not even a chance that people will IM me and yet I have my away message up almost 24/7.

In other news, I know i mentioned a while ago how my Nana had been having some heart problems so she went in for surgery and was doing remarkably better. Although, last night I found out some more information about her health. It turns out that she is having some more heart problems because she has multiple blockages in her heart and that really isnt good. Not to mention that she has a predicted lifespan of 2 years or less. Now with that in mind, Nana is going in for heart surgery so they can try and fix what they can. But what it may come down to they sed is Open Heart Surgery. But the thing is, at the moment it is very debatable that they will actually perform open heart surgery on a woman with less than 2 years to live. Not to mention the fact that this surgery all in itself could do her in. On one hand I really dont want her to suffer anymore so if its her time to go ill get through it with the people i care about by my side. But if they choose not to do the operation because she doesnt have that much time left, im sorry but i'll have to get my ass out of bed and kick some doctor ass! I know me and her dont agree on everything, but she is my nana and she has been there for me whenever I needed her. And if you really think about it, if this is the last straw with her, I would then be the only member of my family who has had cancer and hasnt died because of it or where cancer didnt have something to do with it. and im sorry, but those odds are not good!

okey now im going to try and lighten the mood. I am currently 17! As of September 21st I am now an old son of a bitch.lol no jp. But I really thought that the whole day was going to be a total waste. I really didnt even want to wake up. So i didnt get up til about 2 which just so happened to be right before school let out. And low and behold, The first call I get is from my one and only Kara.Lorraine and i loved it. Then I got a few Gifts from classmates and a few visitors aswell. And let me tell you, I needed it. For 20 minutes I forgot I was sick at all and I was just me again hanging out with Jessy and Mark. I also got several [home made] cards from people like Kara, Matt, and Kyle just to name a few. ((Love the pooper thing Kyle))

Presents wise I wasnt really expecting anything at all. And like i sed before, I really just wanted the day to be over with so presents werent even on my mind. But I got several movies from Tanya, Picks and a gift card from my brother, a $30 gift card to target from someone I dont know, a China Garden Gift certificate and last but certainly not least, I got a Benji Madden Signature OLP Guitar, including a guitar bag, strap, picks, amp cord, and beginners book so i can learn the essentials of guitars. Sure I know how to play a little but now that I have a lot of time on my hands, i might as well spend my time learning new things and trying out new things.

Well Im gonna go for right now. An interesting show is coming on nd I really wanna see it becaue its talking about depression and how Tom Cruise and Brooke Sheilds have been having their dispute on this matter. I guess it interests me because I too suffer from depression and I think that Tom needs to shut his fucking mouth because he doesnt know what hes talking about. He has never had to wake up one morning just afraid of waking up. Sure he may e a scientologist, but really, that gives him no right to say what he has ben. Okey im out for real... adios!!

even when your ~~hope is gone~~
move along just to make it through

Caught Fire

champagne dream [Sun 01 05|7:58pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

[ music | _________Fuel | Bad Day_________ ]

i fucking hate my family. Its not even fair. Last night i got yelled @ in front of TJ. That rocked my world. I just want to cry right now. infact im getting teary eyed. All they do is yell at me and i hate it. Its bad enough that i feel like shit because of this god damn cold. But now starting last night all ive ben hearing is yelling. I even woke up to it. And then i get kicked out of the living room so my bro can watch wrestling. it doesnt even start until 8 and yet he is still bitching so i just got out of there. Now i have tears running down my face and i dont know where to turn.

Last night besides the yelling, was pretty awesome. TJ came over and we had the whole house to ourselves. it was awesome. I died his hair black and then i gave him a hot oil treatment and then straightened it. It looked wikkid awesome. Then he camera-whored on my webcam. He took some awesome pics and they look really hott. But then when he was leaving my dad started yelling. you have no idea how furious i was with him. and then billy started to do the same. i just cant take it. I went to sleep to yelling, had a nightmare i had 2 little siblings and my dad was beating them and no matter what i did i couldnt do anything or help them. i was so helpless. And then i woke up to yelling. Now recently i have ben kicked out of the living room so billy can watch wrestling and i cant take it. Its as if im being pushed around and i hate it!

At the moment it is like i have all of these feelings inside and yet i cant get them out. and i think that is what my dream is trying to tell me. But im not really sure.

Im not going to be in school tomorrow. I have to go to boston for some testing and to go to the Jimmy Fund to see my doctors. Cant wait huh?

All i want to do right now is crawl into my bed and hide from the world. i just want to die! Why cant it just end? Why couldnt i have just ben put out of my misery all those months ago when i was deathly ill and on my dealth bed?? It would have ben so much easier on me and on so many other ppl. Then they wouldnt have to worry about lil ol me. Ofcourse i mean for those people that actually worry. which i doubt that there are many at all.

Well im out for right now because i just want to lay down and get away from the world. Adios!

Lauren
xoxo

Caught Fire

Would you care? [Wed 27 05|12:00am]

[ mood | _______empty ]

[ music | Senses Fail | Hand Guns & 2nd Chances ]

So i know this is the second time im updating tonight but i cant help it. I feel so empty inside and i dont know how to fill it. It is as if everyone i love is drifting off and i am second best. Dont get me wrong, im not acting selfish. Im just seying, i use to be someones someone and now i sit in my room, dont get calls, work, eat, and once in a while i talk to someone online. And not even like about good things. usually its about how so and so is being like this and i love this person and yata yata. Im sorry but im tired of hearing all of this shit!

Do you care Im alive? Do you care if i was to cut? Do you care if i was to be hit by a car? Do you care if i was to fall and sprain something?

I just want to know that there is someone out there that feels as strongly as i do about them and they openly show it as i do. Is that so much to ask? is love to much for a person like me? im not even asking for money or possessions. and thats a lot different from other ppl.

No one is prolly even reading this so im going to stop here and just go lay down. I fell asleep earlier, perhaps i can do the same now. I doubt it tho.

I'm too ~~scared~~ to live tonight
Please tell me I'm not wanted

Lauren
xoxo

Caught Fire

Never Good Enough [Tue 26 05|7:46pm]

[ mood | frustrated ]

[ music | Screaming | In my head ]

i just got home from Ryans house. It was fun and i liked hanging out there. But then i got home and i got bitched @ because of homework and everything. She started complaining to me about how i need to do last terms work for LaCombe. and to be honest with you, his class has ben better than ever lately. And to be honest, lately i have ben feeling so shitty and depressed that it doesnt even bother me anymore if i fail or if i was to die. It just seems as though it doesnt matter to me anymore. I want to go and crawl into a hole and just hide from everyone. It seems as though no matter what i do, it will never be good enough. For example, Good grades : Not good enough ; Beat Cancer : Not good enough. If i was a famous hero, to the people i really care about, it still wouldnt be good enough

Well im going to go for right now and go to 7-11. I cant deal with this shit so im going to get out of this house. see ya later guys.. like you care.

Lauren
xoxo

Caught Fire

my love for violent things______________ [Fri 22 05|12:45am]

[ mood | numb ]

[ music | senses fail--bite to break skin ]

im going to keep this short and simple. @ the moment i dont give a fuck. Nothing matters anymore. Im on my way down and rock bottom is coming fast.

Tuesday concert with Kara and TJ was so awesome. It couldnt have gone any better. After the concert we went home and for a bit i talked to TJ online while i was hanging out with Kara at my house. She went home the next day early which sucked. I had to work. But it was okey because work was fun. And we made the day by the time i left which was awesome.

Last night ryan slept over. It was fun. But then today i woke up and felt like total shit so i stayed in bed for most of the day. then threw on some clothes and went to see sarah. @ first i was quiet and started off slow. But then by the end of it i was like FUCK THIS, FUCK THAT! and i was so out spoken i literally wanted to rip my hair out because i was finally getting so much shit off my chest. It felt awesome. Yet at the same time, i had to leave and the second i stepped out of that door, i was quiet and down. And then as usual, the second i got back home i sat in my computer chair and just sat. I cant deal with it anymore. I did talk to jessy tho. I miss her like crazy. when she comes back we are gonna go get her deck hopefully and then she might sleep over.

well im going to go and watch a movie now because once again. i dont give a fuck! im so frustrated inside and yet i cant even show it as an expression on my face. Oh not to mention that i think i found out the reason to me not sleeping and barely eating... SCHOOL! and now im out

xoxo

Caught Fire

Its not how its suppose to be + + + + [Sat 16 05|11:19pm]

[ mood | pessimistic ]

[ music | [[Senses Fail-NJ Falls In2 The Atlantic]] ]

So as most of you that i talk to on a daily basis, you know that lately i havent ben doing too well. Ive ben depressed all the time just out of the blue. Not to mention that i have ben questioning my reason for being here. It seems as though im not needed. Everyone seems as though they have a shit load of fun without me around and even when i am around, im in the corner by myself because they have all learned to live without me. I know that ive ben out of school lately. And it wasnt easy for my friends, but its as if they are acting as if im dead and they need to carry on without me. Call me crazy but these are just my feelings.

Last night i went to the mall with kara. She asked if she could bring seth along. Kara promised me that last night was about me and her and that he wouldnt get in the way of that. But that was totally wrong. The WHOLE night she was hanging around him and he had his arms around her and everything. I understand that they are going out and everything but last night was suppose to be about me and her. So i stepped off into the corner and didnt talk. I really wished i had my MP3 player. Its my relief. It sooths me. But Id really have to say that the best parts of the night was when i was hanging out with TJ and when i was hanging with Mexico. When im with TJ he makes me feel like we are the only two ppl in the world. Its as if at that moment, its only me that matters to him. Dont get me wrong, i dont like him like that, I just love that feeling. I need that more often. And infact its that feeling that got me through the summer. Except i thought that it would be kara looking at me like that. So to say the least, last night was not at all what i expected.

Another thing that is bothering me is that me and Kara were going to go to see Amityville Horror. I was so looking forward to it. But then she sed she was going to go with Catie. And then she sed that she would just go with the both of us, like at seperate times. But then she all of a sudden changes her mind about that and states that she doesnt want to go twice. After I got off the phone with her, i cried a lil. I know that sounds stupid, but ive ben so depressed lately. All i wanted to do was REALLY hang out with her. Just the two of us. But it just seems like that was the last chance we have for a while. Next friday she wants to go bowling and so do i, but then we are planning on inviting a bunch of our friends and i can guarentee that seth will be all over her, and catie will be talking to her like crazy, and i will probably say 5 words to the girl all night. And i hate that!

In other news, i am going to the Senses Fail concert @ Lupos on Tuesday. I cant wait. TJ and Kara are going with me and my mom. I just want everything to go perfect. I know they wont but a girl can have her dreams. But im pretty sure that Kara will stand there not talking or sit in the car not talking. And then i will be there with TJ having a blast. But then when i see her i will flip on myself for me letting my best friend not have the best time she can out on the town with me. I mean come on, when i am around her and my other friends i put her first priority. A lot of ppl tell me not to but i cant help it. What the fuck, im going off again. But whatever.

My doctors think that i may have Post Traumatic Depression Syndrome. Idk if i sed this before but im seying it now because it is the reason i have ben acting so down and everything.

Lastly, i recently got certified in Microsoft Office in the programs Word and Excel. idk if any of you care. Im getting ridiculed by a lot of ppl but i dont give a fuck anymore. Everyone but like 5 ppl have ben getting on my nerves. Im sick of it. Im sick of ppl. I want to take this vacation and just get away from everything negative. But knowing me, i will just draw myself back to it. I want to fucking get away!

JUST GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
TJ:: is the only one that gets me.. and i love him so fucking much for it!! I owe you my life sweety!

[[6]] Caught Fire

this is ourselves under pressure___________ [Wed 13 05|10:46am]

[ mood | nauseated ]

[ music | Under Pressure::The Used ./. MRC ]

I know i dont update often, but lately i have good reason. It seems as though i have wanted to update and tell everyone what has ben going on in my laim excuse for a life. But the truth is that lately i have ben feeling so shitty i almost dont know what to do with myself. I almost cant sleep, my eating habits have steadily declined to a point where i have only ben eating the bare minimums and even when i do i almost throw it all up instantaneously. Not to mention the fact that i think i may be dehydrated. I never drink anymore and when i do, it is only a small glass for almost the entire day. I dont know what is wrong.

They increased my does of Zoloft because i told them it was urgent that they do. I think i was going to go crazy before. I just dont see the point of living in missery if they have a way to make you feel better. Am i wrong? Because i see alot of my friends suffering and i hate it. It is as if i just want to slip them a little something. But then again, the difference between me and them is that i refuse to live in this kind of pain, but them, they continue to suffer and push the people they love away. I really need to stop worrying. I mean, it is their decisions right? But then again, i love them so that i dont want them to hurt. ARG

In other news, i recently got a hawt new skateboard. Jessy went with me to get it. And i guess it oughta be a good one because even Jessy was going on about it and how she loved my fancy trucks and everything. But whatever. I love it and soon i will be doing tricks and everything on it. Especialy for how much i paid for it, im not going to just let it rot away in a corner.heh Oh also :: Me, Kara, TJ, and perhaps Jessy will be going to see Senses Fail next tuesday. Kyle is being an ass about it because he doesnt want me to see it but i dont give a fuck what he seys. I cant wait. The tix are wikkid cheap. But i might have to borrow some money from my mom til pay day so i can get a sweatshirt or something from the show. ugh i cant wait!

Well im going to go now. Im feeling rather nautious again. Gotta love it huh? Oh and last but not least.. Kara:: are we going to be hanging out this friday? Because you know how i have it off and i really want you to sleep over or something. Get back to me on it. Love ya babe! Layda Party ppl!!

xoxo
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure

Caught Fire

And It's Not Even Over_________+ [Tue 22 05|9:16pm]

[ mood | confused ]

[ music | ____________headache____________ ]

So im going to keep this simple for the moment. As you may know from my last few entries.. Ive ben a little depressed. The terrible part of it all is that even as bad as i am right now.. its not rock bottom yet. It sure as hell feels like it tho. I dont feel like getting out of my pjs in the mornings. I dont want to go to school. I barely have energy to go to work. All i do is sleep and at the moment that is all that im good at. Not to mention it is the only thing that i am actually happy doing. But what sucks is that a lot of the time.. i cant even sleep all that much because i will wake up with a headache or with Hot flashes. I just dont feel good all over.

But werse than the physical shit is the emotional shit. Im definitely in a spiral motion and im goin down. I need schedule and normalcy. And i know what you are thinkin... "What is normal?" but what i mean is.. normalcy to me. As in what i had before all of this crazyness. I mean.. I woke up in the morning on time.. i went on the bus, then went to school and hung out with my lovely friends, and i would love every class, then i would come home, do my homework, be online, watch tv and so on. I need that back! If i continue the way i am.. im just going to get worse and wose. And i def dont want that. I dont want to be in the position i was in last year when i was cutting. I dont want to be crying my eyes out every day... even though i do cry when i watch certain movies.. but some people know why that is. And i think you know who you are.

I just dont want to be in that place again. I hate how i felt before and im not ready to deal with all of that again. Especially when i have to deal with my new baggage and im still trying to cope with all of the changes in my life. The changes that are just for now.. and the changes that are forever. I dont even feel like i have anyone here with me anymore. I need someone there to hold my hand thruogh all of this. I sit here thinking why me and how come it isnt all happening to a bad person. But really... maybe I am that bad person. Am i that bad person? I just dont know what i did to diserve this.

But dont worry about me. Im back seeing Sara once a week again. I felt it was time to get back into the swing of things and i cant do it without her. She is an awesome person and helps me through everything. If it wasnt for her.. i think i wouldnt have ben so willing to stop cutting. She helped me through it and she sticks up for me whenever she can. Im so totally honest with her its sick. I feel like i can tell her anything and she doesnt even judge me. Its so awesome. I love her to death.

Well im out. Im gonna go and do some make up work and watch some tele. Im gonna hope that kara calls me back.. if she dont.. well. Whatever i guess then.

maybe ~~someday~~ you
will get to know me
XOXO

[[18]] Caught Fire

______Nothing is ever going to change ='( [Fri 18 05|1:27pm]

[ mood | drained ]

[ music | Ryan C____True ]

Im not gonna pretend like everything is all peachy fukkin keen. But im also not going to be a huge mega bitch. So i sit over here in my seat. I keep to myself and i dont talk to people much. Infact i havent even really talked to anyone for a long period of time today. I really miss sitting over with Kara. Even being near her made me feel comfortable and i could be myself. But now it's as if I am always putting on a face for everyone. Even worse than that is the fact that for some reason, I'm getting the feeling that she doesnt even want to sit with me. I mean, for example. She could have sat in Chad's seat because he wasnt in today. But instead she is over in her seat hangin out with Megan, Sweeney, and Gloria. It's as if the only person that really talks to me in this class anymore is Mike *starts to get teary* I feel so alone in this world these days. I dont even talk to TJ as much.

Lucky me gets to go to work tonight in this mood. But I really like work. It will pick my mood up. But i really hope that a lot of people that i know dont just come into the store and stand in the middle. I really hate that. And even worse is that my managers really hate it too so it looks bad on me. I mean, i love that they want to be around me and all, but why do they have to pick that time? they could call me or IM me. I haven't been on a whole bunch lately because i have ben getting my headaches back but i can deal with them. Its my depression that is getting out of hand. Sometimes i just wanna use a razor blade or over dose on morphine or something. I dont care if i puke my brains out or anything. I just want the pain to be gone. Is that so much to ask? I mean, i know myself and i can tell that Im getting to where i was before when i was at my worst. I havent felt this bad since then. But maybe they were all right when they said that i never got a chance to be depressed before because i was always running around. I know that its true but i dont want it to be. I wanna go back to that happy place where my friends were there for me. I need my ryan. I need my Kara. And most of all. I just want them to be around me like they were before. Before when i was sick they called and they would always want to be around me because they were worried. But for some reason, something in me is telling me that now they arent around me anymore because i dont need them. But i have some new... I do need them! i need them so much that it hurts. I mean physically. My heart aches because Im so alone in this world.

Ive ben through shit in my life. The people that know me know that i hava ben through a whole lot of shit. But I have the feeling that this is not the end of it. I sure wish it was. Im tired of all of the pain, mentally and physically. I just want to be normal. Never have I ben normal in my life. I have always had a vision problem, or a transportation problem when i had broken legs. Or I needed to be taken extra care of because of the cancer or something. and now i need to be taken care of and watched because of this depression getting out of hand. Can you really imagine how it feels to be me? Some people complain if they get a cold or if they are just in a bad mood. I know people that if they are in a bad mood. They make damn sure that they make everyone around them in a bad mood. Well Im not liek that and you know it. I keep to myself and dont bother anyone. You dont know what its like to have to take your last bit of energy and put on a smile when you barely even have energy to get out of bed.

I just wanted to stay home today but i knew that i had to come. And now i have to go home and this weekend i have to finish my shit load of homework that i have due. The teachers dont even know. Especially that asshole of a teacher Mr.LaCombe. He thinks hes the shit. He doesnt know one thing about me. None of them do. All i do is make jokes and everything. But they dont know the truth. They dont know the fact that i have become so depressed that i have ben getting sick and giving myself even more headaches. I cant help it but its just me. Im not the one making myself sick but at the same time, i am. Its def not purposful. I want to be able to enjoy the company of friends and just laugh. And the sad thing is that a lot of the time that i am laughing and shit with them, im faking. I want to be true. I want to feel something besides pain. But it wont be happening in the near future.

I love Mike. Hes prolly the only one that has really spent time with me today. He came over and he jsut strikes up conversation. Just a few minutes ago i was about to cry but i didnt because he was talking to me and for a second i was happy. He gave me a neck massage. I love him to death. Its a suprise that i use to hate this kid. But i cant help it now. A lot, if not most, of the time that i spend with Mike I am smiling. And i mean about half of the time it is because i want to and not faking. (Derek just put his ass on me... gotta love that kid aswell. lately he has ben actin a lil mature.)

Im going to go now. I dont really know what im going to go and do. But we have about 15 minutes left of school and then we are going home. I forget what i have to do after school but i remember that my mom said that we have to go somewhere right after school. ooh well. Im sure she remembered. Well ill talk to you guys later. Or not. its all up to you. I prolly wont tho. No one ever IMs me.

my ♥~~heart~~♥ keeps falling faster
XOXO

[[2]] Caught Fire

____Is it even worth it?? [Tue 15 05|2:03pm]

[ mood | numb ]

[ music | ___Papa_Roach::Be Free_______ ]

Okey so im back from BPA. It was a blast!! Treasure and me got so much more closer. But don't get me wrong, there were so many times that i felt alone and all of those depressed feelings. I hate when i dont have anyone to talk to and thats how it was. Kara wasn't there so I would just be there with 500 people and it was like i was standing in a room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one would notice. I missed her so much and i tried calling multiple times. I think it was at least 10 times that i called and got no answer. But its okey i guess. She had family over so and she can't help that. But at the same time, i cant help my feelings. And just to hear that she doesnt know if she will be going next year just tears me apart. Kara said that she doesnt want to because of the preasure and the work, and i cant blame her because sometimes people just dont like preasure like that. But at the same time i dont understand because it's a whole lot of fun. If you just enroll in one or two simple ones like i did its not that much pressure at all and it is all just a day of seminars and opens and all of that. I just dont know what to do or say anymore.

On another note (not much happier) I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I dont have anymore energy or will to do anything anymore. Especially when it comes to school. On a daily basis I run from my academic teachers. And whenever academic week does come, i get so stressed out that i just get myself so sick from worrying. But whats even worse is that at times, i dont even care. I dont care about anything past sleeping and laying around.

I put on a happy face and walk around giving hugs. But on the inside I'm dieing. I can honestly say that im never truly happy anymore unless Im sitting on my bed watching a DVD. I dont even go online anymore. Do people wonder why im never on anymore? I dont think so. I dont even think that people really worry about me in general. Well i mean anyone beyond my mom or family or whatever. But i mean really. I dont talk to my friends as much as i use to. and even when i do, they either insult me or just sit there trying to be nice by talking about something that is totally out of the blue. I dont know myself anymore. And i dont even think i really know my friends anymore. Thats a major problem for me and i dont know how to figure out the problem to fix it. Can you please help me fix it???

I know for a fact that my Zoloft is working anymore. And i know this because of the fact that lately i havent found a point to my life. Im back to square one and i wanna use that blade to end it all or atleast prove to myself that i do feel emotions. Can i just once? Will anyone notice? I dont think they will. So i just might. Its not going to be hurting anyone but myself so i dont see the big damn deal about it all. I dont know anymore. I dont know anythimh anything anymore. Just let me know that it matters and that i matter. Dammit i dont know what to do. This whole entry is about assumptino and not knowing whats going on. But i cant help it. Im using this for its intended purpose... Im stating what i feel. Isn't expressing emotion good??

[[1]] Caught Fire