|
[19 Sep 2005|11:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ryanhood, in my head |
] |
so SO many engangements this summer, but this one is the most exciting! I am the maid of honour.....! you are my best friend. I can't believe this. we are growing up.
|
|
|
[14 Sep 2005|12:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 recumbent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
death cab for cutie - a lack of colour |
] |
now all that's left is to sit and wait...
|
|
|
[10 Sep 2005|12:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
iron and wire - sea and the rythm |
] |
the kind of pain inflcted upon you by someone when they don't even realize they're doing it can be some of the worst kinds of pain... as each day passes this ache grows stronger and the sense of neglect and being rejected is growing with it. I am not needed anymore. I am out of your thoughts, because they are filled with others again.
I'm still here. and I still think of you. wondering when you'll think of me.
|
|
| days like these... |
[09 Sep 2005|06:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
maroon 5 in my head |
] |
I love the days when I take pictures. I headed out this afternoon not with those intentions, but that's how this wonderful day ended up. Today I actually felt like I lived here, not that I was just visiting. Walking down the streets I can now go on without looking at a map, and every single street name, I headed toward the Museum of Contemporary Photography, as I have been planning to do since day one. I paid the $4 to be blown away by a photographer named Michael Semak who has taken pictures in Canada and all over the world of every day life in the 60's and 70's, and captured such incredible beauty.... oh man. It was inspiring. I was at times grinning from ear to ear, and sometimes almost at the point of tears from the images he had captured. So when I left the museum, naturally the first thing I did was pull out my camera, seeing everythng in a different light and wanting to capture it all. I'm hoping they turned out ok, because I don't have a digital camera anymore, and my film one was acting kind of strange.. But if they do come out, I think I got a few great shots today. I'm really excited to see them. So since then I have just kind of been walking around in my happy spacey bubble that I get in sometimes, taking everything in, and really looking at my surroundings, and the people I passed by. *sigh*
I was thinking of you today. You help me see the beauty in life even from far away, and you help bring the smiles to my face.
Check out some of Michael Semak's stuff on this online gallery. The few that are there are hardely enough to get a great appreciation for it, but it's a start: http://www.artdaily.com/section/photogallery/index.asp?int_sec=210&p=1&id=271
|
|
| goodness gracious |
[06 Sep 2005|07:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
modest mouse - float on |
] |
things have taken a turn for the better this afternoon, and I am feeling ok again. ooh my life! so dramatic. haha
|
|
|
[06 Sep 2005|02:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rae - A work in progress |
] |
the word panic comes to mind when I think of my life at this moment. I am hours from home. I don't have a confirmed job. the other most prominant word is lonely. a word more common in my vocabulary than I'd like. once again - I am hours from home, and everyone is back together again. enjoying each other's company, having bonfires, playing guitars, visits to scoops, laughing, finding joy in the fact that they are once again in the place where they can be exactly who they are without being judged by the typical public. I am happy for them. I am happy for anyone who ends up there and falls in love with it as I have. they will have a great fall.
on the other hand. I am here in ottawa. one of the most beautiful cities I have ever been in. as I was walking down the block today I almost shoook my head to wake myself up. this is where I LIVE. I am not just visiting. the parlament buildings are now a part of my every day scenery. the warmpth that still lingers in the fall afternoons, and the starbucks on every corner. this is my life now. I'll get used to it in time.
|
|
| the beginning of the end |
[30 Aug 2005|02:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rae-Leigh - A work in progress |
] |
the first tear has offocially been shed over leaving... I fear that there may be more to come.
|
|
|
[29 Aug 2005|04:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
so, this is getting harder. I don't know what I expected. I am excited to go still, yes, but as the list of people I was supposed to see before I/they left continues to get shorter it gets just a little bit harder. Hearing stories of everyone together, and of course I am happy that they are together having fun again, knowing that their summer of waiting has come to an end, but I can't help but be a little selfish and wish I were there too. I remember what it is like to count the days until I get to see them. To be excited, and get the grade school butterflies the entire way there. St.Stephen, afterall, is still where my family is - during the year, and it is only natural to miss the people who mean the most to you. *sigh*
I miss.......
|
|
| The love of my life |
[24 Aug 2005|10:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
David Crowder - How great |
] |
Sitting in my room
Reflecting on the night passed
With the loves of my life
- my family -
No matter how hard I try not to,
I can’t escape that they mean the world to me
Driving home in the jeep with no roof,
Wind blowing through our hair,
Breathing in the beautiful country air that takes that same breath away
Looking up at thousands of stars
And I wonder how long it will be until I see them like this again
Wonder if I’ll see them at all in my new home.
My dad nudges my arm and points to the back seat
Where my little sister is sitting,
All bundled up, staring at the sky
So intently that she doesn’t even notice we’re watching her
I sing loud and obnoxiously,
And we joke about what our hair is going to look like
Once we’re out of this bumpy, yet somehow peaceful ride
There is no one on earth who I feel more comfortable with,
They know my every flaw
Somewhere in the back of my mind
I find myself wondering if there will ever be anyone else
to share that comfort with
My family
I will miss you when I’m gone.
|
|
| one week from today |
[24 Aug 2005|01:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ryanhood, in my head |
] |
so I just got back from my second, of an ever growing list of going away parties. as I was driving home I realized that this was the first time I was ever actually the one leaving. I have been left my many others on countless occasions, but never have I been the one leaving. I was always the one dropping them at the airport, or watching them drive away, and then going back to my regular life. instead, this time I am the one doing the leaving. the one who has to turn and walk away. it's scary. not knowing when I'll be home again. not having answers to so many of the questions being driven at me from every direction. trying to stay lighthearted for those around who I can see are begining to have a problem with it. *sigh* being the one to leave is a hard thing. but still, I am excited. I am counting the days until I can go and start this new chapter of my life.
|
|
|
[22 Aug 2005|09:04am] |
|
home from boston. missin rae.
|
|
| Make it stop |
[12 Aug 2005|12:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
Tonight as I was reading the SSU newsletter that is online I found myelf almost wishing that I could push SSU out of my memory altogether. Right now all the memories hold for me is pain. The pain of missing the people I love, the pain of never being able to get to that place of contentment I had when I was there. I keep trying to get back to that magical bubble I lived in, which now only exists in my imagination. The cold truth that I cannot be there is almost unbearable... Maybe I could take it if I knew I was finished there. If I did my 4 years, and it was offocially time to move on.. but that's not how it is. I was forced to leave because of circumstances beyone my control, and now I am forced to watch my class move on without me. To see them go to Asia on the same trip I had been so excited about less than a year ago.. To have them all together and know that even if I did go back, I wouldn't be with them (academically). Right now all SSU holds for me is pain, and longing. I know it was wonderful - but that's why it hurts. I want it to go away.
|
|
|
[04 Aug 2005|10:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
I'm in the process of writing a song WITHOUT the chords B and C#m in it! hah. definate breakthrough, I'd say. (*insert me rolling my eyes here*).
|
|
|
[31 Jul 2005|11:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
shaydid, in my head |
] |
I hurt him.
That is a fact I have been running away from since April when we last saw eachother,and the fact he blatantly told me tonight. This guy who has been my friend for years! I totally ignored him because I was wrapped up in my own problems, and cut off that wonderful relationship. Tonight is the second time we have talked about it. The first was the weekend after it happened, and I ran away because I was scared. This time we got it all out, and I still feel like the biggest jerk in the world. I don't know who he is anymore, and he knows nothing about me. As I was trying to convince him to drive from Moncton (2 hours away) to come watch movies with me tonight since my family ws gone, I realized that that could also lead to a bigger problem that I didn't want to get into with him.. The fact that I have been in "Jen needs a boy" mode for the past month, and then being emotional about this situation and him coming over... all not such a great combo. Especially since I was convinced at one point that he was the guy I was going to marry, hahah. Oh, the things I get myself into... ugh. Somebody save me.
|
|
|
[27 Jul 2005|01:22pm] |
|
..wow...
|
|
|
[27 Jul 2005|01:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
a song I just tried to write, in my head |
] |
my hair is in ringletts - only the second time i've worn it down curly since I got it cut and my fingers are burning from running my fingers up and down my guitar's coarse metal strings. I have been playing for hours and instead of putting it down contentedly, I am more frustrated than when I started. maybe it's because I couldn't get my thoughts out on to paper tonight and write the song that has been trapped inside all week, or the fact that I don't know how to play guitar good enough to be able to hear something in my head translate it into song. I have a limited amount of chords that I use over and over and over! It drives me insane. I feel things that I want to be able to change into sound, but it ends up sounding the same as everything else. grrr... I am at a plateau with my playing, and I hate those stages.
I had the day off today, so I slept for most of it... I started reading a book that my friend's mom just published (Shiela Davidson - it's really good), and the Narnia series again too. But when I wasn't reading, I was sleeping with the book in my hand and now I can't get to sleep! hehe. I suppose there are worse things in the world than reading and sleeping.
Marissa is gone for the week, so I'll be bored at night time without her to talk to. Exciting news, though! Within the next couple months I will get to see quite a few former, and current SSU people! I am so excited, because one of the main reasons I was sad to leave was not being able to be in St.Stephen the day everyone got there and see them all again. So instead I get the chance to see a few of them before they head back, and some as they're just passing through. I am so well taken care of.
Ok, I think I'll try to get to sleep again. I'm hanging out with Mike and EJ tomorrow before work. Despite all my dramatic entries lately life is good, and I am happy. hehe. Night.
|
|
|
[25 Jul 2005|11:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ry and Joel |
] |
my toughts are in that town again
the town where I found my place
the town where I found my family
my heart is forever part of that place,
even though I don't know when I'll ever return
or how long the distance will go between our visits
my heart is divided, but my mind stays in the same place
so much is changing
but those memories will stay the same
the pub, walking to the peir at sunrise, the kitchen at 3am
I miss it.
If I had it my way I would never have left.
I don't even have the words to explain this feeling.
the feeling that leaves this pressure on my brain,
leaves my stomach in knots.
but this summer I will see many of the faces that I've had to leave behind too many times
it will be so great
I can not wait.
it will get me through the next few months, or years, until I see you again.
*sigh*
I miss you.
|
|
| this morning.. |
[19 Jul 2005|12:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
spent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
my guitar |
] |
my eyes are puffy,
practically swelled shut
sensitive to the light.
my voice, strained.
the remains of a night spent crying -
literally for hours.
wishing with all I had that I could scream,
but that would have woken the peaceful sleepers upstairs,
and brought them down with questions I didn't have the answers to.
I thought through eveything last night.
everything.
revealed the secrets I had been keeping even from myself.
let myself break down;
to feel what I needed to feel.
whishing more than anything in the world
that I had someone there to comfort me.
to tell me that it would be ok as they played with my hair;
that I am not a horrible person.
I came to terms with the fact that "I am not ok."
I'm tired of trying to be strong. I can't do it anymore.
I am tired of trying to be happy.
I'm tired.
today I am starting over.
|
|
| ...goodnight.. |
[19 Jul 2005|02:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
reeling |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mutemath - reset |
] |
I sleep to make it go away. maybe when I wake up it'll all be gone.
|
|
|
[14 Jul 2005|01:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
these are dark lonely days. there is too much death, and heartache surounding me. I can't take care of everyone, I just can't. believe me I'm trying, but I'm getting tired. I almost broke down yesterday, but I almost feel guilty because so many people around me are facing such harder things. what is missing a friend miles away to having that friend gone forever? it's nothing! I can still call and talk, I can still visit. I guess I'm just in a pessimistic mood right now...
wishing you were here to rescue me, even just for a couple hours. *sigh*
|
|