| 14 days |
[02 Aug 2006|11:57pm] |
I'm not ready to leave yet.
just as the day is close enough to count, I am forming friendships that I don't want to be without. meeting people who I am sorry I didn't invest more time in while I was around. these people I'm starting to really genuinely love, and the thought of leaving them behind causes my heart to ache.
why do I attach myself to people?
|
|
| pms |
[05 Jun 2006|12:59am] |
I miss my friends.
when you notice phone calls getting shorter over time. emails becoming less frequent. you know it's not because they stop caring - life gets us busy. simple as that.
sometimes I wish it really were a "small world." then you would't be so far away.
I work early tomorrow. I should really be in bed. but something is keeping me here, in this uncomfortable wal-mart chair, with a knot in my throat, glued to the screen. maybe I know I'll just keep awake thinking. maybe I don't want to be alone. what would I have thought about moving here last summer if I knew I'd still have no friends at this point, and I'd still miss the old ones like mad?
this is harder than I thought.
|
|
|
[14 Mar 2006|11:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
city & colour |
] |
"Hello, I'm In Delaware"
So there goes my life
Passing by with every exit sign
It's been so long
Sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight
I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades
One more night gone, only twenty more days
But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now
And there goes my life
Passing by with every departing flight
And its been so hard
So much time so far apart
And she walks the night
How many hearts will die tonight
And will things have changed
I guess I'll find out seventeen days
But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now
My body aches,
and it hurts to sing,
and no one is moving
And I wish that I weren't here tonight,
but this is my life
And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now
-City & Colour
|
|
|
[22 Dec 2005|08:36am] |
|
I think it's safe to say our beloved blurty is almost dead..! hehe. so sad.
|
|
|
[16 Nov 2005|11:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
david letterman on tv |
] |
what do you do when you are being hurt, and you know it is most likely in your head, and the person/people don't even know they're doing it.
what do you do when your life is so great, and you should really have no complaints, but you can't help feeling like something isn't right?
what do you do when you are so lonely that you don't know what to do with yourself? when your time is spent trying to keep in contact with people who aren't as desperate as I? desperate - that is a good description of me right now I think. me, a person who feeds off the energy of groups of people, and is happiest when I am surrounded. me, who is realizing the value of community as each day passes.
how is it that so many of my insecurities come back to me when I haven't heard from or seen someone in a while? I get unusually sad when my inbox is empty for days on end, after sending out numerous emails in a vain attempt to hear how my friends are doing.
what do you do when you would do anything to be there. help you. talk with you. laugh with you. but that's just not an option?
what do you do when your life consists of dreams? dreams that I believe are possible, but there's still that element of doubt.
so many questions that cannot be articulated resting on my heavy mind as I go off to bed.
|
|
| phone calls and wide eyes |
[15 Nov 2005|05:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 ecstatic |
] |
written yesterday:
today life is wonderful. I got to talk to 3 lovely ladies on the phone for a long long time, I had a great day with Layla, and it has just been such a nice day in general.
plans for africa are coming together again, AND SO exciting - it looks like I have a travelling buddy!! Yay Marsha!!! Oh man. I am so excited. So the plan now is to go next October. After Hawaii, so I'll have a couple months to fund raise, and get everything all together. Now that I have set an approximate time again, and it's not just me in the picture anymore I feel newly motivated. I am SO excited about this (as I always have been, but I get waves of fresh excitement). AHH!
Ok, I have to go to bed. I've already stayed up longer than I should have. Night everyone!!
|
|
|
[07 Nov 2005|09:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
eisley, in my head again |
] |
I found this on a friend of a friend's blog, and it was exactly what I was thinking the other day, as I watched a lady and her friends on tv in utter discust as they totally turned anyone off of the christian religion by the way they were behaving, and treating other people.
"I mean, how hard would be to at least pretend to be a loving, open, genuine, forgiving, intelligent human, just for a week? Would it kill you to be nice? The pagans can be nice. The buddhists, and the mormons, and the democrats can all be nice. Hindus and muslims and animal rights activists, hippies and vegetarians can all be nice. Why is it always the christians with the patronizing smiles looking down their noses saying "so you're not a christian then?"Those smug little smiles, I wanna just slap them right off. Do they think that by catering to their pride they're somehow doing the will of God?? They are doing damage. They are hurting people in the name of God. They are making it so much harder for those of us who actually care to communicate anything positive as christians.Does anyone else feel this way?? Does anyone know what i'm talking about?"
|
|
|
[04 Nov 2005|01:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
eisley, in my head |
] |
no crappy job anymore!! well, technically I still work at the Delta, but that won't be for much longer if I have anything to say about it. If you haven't heard already, I am now a nanny during the week, and work with a photography company on weekends!! I am completely stoked, it is a dream come true, life in ottawa is fantastic, and I'm going to bed!
goodnight all!
|
|
| la la la |
[02 Nov 2005|01:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tv in te background |
] |
So, I'm updating because I told Jon I would, and I'm killing some time until I can call Hawaii. hah, who says that??
Umm, not to much is new with life here in Ottawa. Still have a crappy job, still sitting home hours on end worrying about money. But! this week has been a good one. I got to see a bunch of people from home!! Three Season Ant was here this weekend, so I got to hang out with them a bit, and see them play (while taking pictures for them!!) and then yesterday Andrew came over to the apartment, because he's here in Ottawa visiting his girlfriend, and she was doing a paper so he wanted to give her some thinking space, hehe. Very fun. I like seeing familiar faces, and being reminded that I actually do have friends, somewhere in the world.
well, I think that's about all! It's getting pretty chilly here lately, and the leaves are starting to all be on the ground instead of the trees. the scary ottawa winter is coming!
|
|
| let the music take you away, if just for a moment |
[21 Oct 2005|03:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
poetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"a beautiful mind" soundtrack |
] |
this is the most quiet, beautiful, peaceful night I've had in a long long time. I am overwhelmed with a sense of calm, and find myself just sitting here content and smiling. comforted by thoughts of loved ones - not saddened. I feel like I could stay awake for hours, yet if I fell asleep it would be a sleep of the most peaceful kind. a sleep with happy dreams, and quiet undisturbed rest.
maybe it's this music - have you ever listened to the "a beautiful mind" soundtrack? do it. it's... beautiful :)
I am frozen. too in awe to move, and scared of causing this serenity to vanish. moments like this make days like these bearable.
|
|
| all the colours of the rainbow |
[15 Oct 2005|02:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
emotional... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
stuff I'm digging up on myspace |
] |
sitting in silence
a fuzzy haze of vision, and a blur of light
is all I see through my unfocused staring eyes
eyes that are burning
and there's a lump in my throat
trying so hard to remain positive, but this lonliness is simply unbearable
I am not alone, and I am thankful for that
I would be lost
but my heart longs for community
hours spent in solitude is wearing it thin.
there are words forming, never to be spoken
countless lyrics, robbed of melody
intense, trapped, "un-channelable" emotion.
my head is screaming at this lack of direction
I call my life.
plans, and dreams are piling up
and as they do, doubt climbs up right behind.
these days, when colours seem flat
when minutes seem like hours, and when the silence is deafening
I feel stuck.
....................................
now to contradict myself
....................................
these weeks here have been fantastic
living with one of my favourite people on the planet,
and someone I look up to more than most.
I smile guiltily to myself every day as I get up at noon and peek in your room
on the way to the bathroom, and see that you're already up and gone
I am excited to wait up to see you when you get home -
to hear all your stories,
and miss you when our days keep us apart
I love knowing that when I get home, and am ready to scream
we will end up laughing until we cry
and everything will be ok again.
I love that we joke about how embarrasing it'd be
if "anyone else ever saw us like this"
I love having this experience with you, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don't want you to feel unappreciated,
because without you I would be a wreck.
I'd have given up.
I miss my friends, yes
but you are my sister
I love you more than I could ever say
and I love being here with you
|
|
|
[10 Oct 2005|03:26pm] |
at the place where tears touch the surface
where my heaert is sinking slowly
as visions of your faces pass through my minds eye
dreams of you are a nightly occurance.
I am surrounded by millions,
yet it's as if I'm on an island
and am the lone inhabitor.
I feel cut off while so many lives swirl around me.
today - the day of giving thanks - I am missing home
the country, and my family.
missing community, and relationships.
I am searching for the relationship that was my core,
my source of life
but failing to see its existance here.
although the light at the end is getting brighter,
and I am again regaining strength
I wonder if I will ever step out of the tunnel
so be patient.
I am coming.
it's just harder than I thought, and there's so much holding me back
but I'll be there, back with you, soon.
|
|
|
[10 Oct 2005|02:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tim hughes |
] |
home alone on thanks giving. woohoo. oh well, I'm getting ready to go to Paula and Craig's house for turkey with the Blue Oasis crew. still, I can't help missing home, and the maritimes, and friends right now. I guess it's only natural...
I feel like I haven't talked to any friends for a long time. today is just a cold, cloudy lonely day. but things are good here. I got paid on friday which is always a good thing. It wasn't as much as I was hoping, but it turned out to only be for one week. So that made me not as worked up again. I also got some money for working at blue oasis before it opened - more than I expected, so things are good.
it's strange trying to be a good big sister from far away. this morning, when I was already so lonely for home, my little sister came on msn and started trying to make me feel guilty for being in Ottawa. she was like "we don't get to have sister days anymore, or go to the mall, or go to the movies!!" and I was trying to explain to her that I can't stay at home forever, but she doesn't get it. we have been talking a little bit, though, about boys and stuff she wouldn't talk to me about in person at home. she offocially has crushes, and goes to parties... all stuff that makes me very very nervous and over protective. I don't know how kids today work. I hear horror stories, and then pray that she has a good enough circle of friends to stay away from that kind of stuff. I hope that she really cares about what she hears in church, and stays true to that under pressure. I am just terrified my little sister will get hurt in some way, and I'm not there to even forsee any of it, and stear her away.
anyways. I'm just emotional/thoughtful today. I need to go finish getting ready for wonderful turkey, and head down to blue oasis.
|
|
| you can take the girl out of the country, but... |
[05 Oct 2005|07:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
noise outside my window. |
] |
every time I hear sirens I still, or at least get and overwhelming urge to, run out on to my balcony and see what's going on. haha. sitting here about 2 minutes ago that just happened, and I tried SO hard NOT to because I was like "no way. I live in the city now. this is sound completely normal. I should just keep doing what I'm doing like nothing's going on like the city people" haha, but I ended up outside looking to see what was going on. I am so hopelessly from the country, and I love it! hehe.
|
|
|
[01 Oct 2005|12:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
U2 - Sunday bloody sunday |
] |
She turns like the ocean
She tells no emotion
She's been gunning down the fight
She's just reminiscing
Blood sweat and one things missing
She's been breaking up inside, inside
-Switchfoot
Today is a hard day - you guys have been on my mind for its entireity. At work, tears secretly filled my eyes, now at home they are freely flowing. Tonight this distance is crushing. The dissapointment almost too much to bear. Why can't I be there with you? Why are you in foreign countries without me, when this was supposed to be my time to go too? I am so sick of these questions. The questions that are constantly ringing in my ears; lying in the background of every thought and every conversation. Tonight I don't understand my life. Tonight I don't understand why I'm not there. Tonight I am, once again, missing you and not knowing what to do with myself.
I know you'll tell me it's allright, and that I am in the right place. But that isn't so convincing at moments like these.
|
|
|
[28 Sep 2005|03:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Alanis - Prescious Illusions |
] |
(That's a scary cranky face! I don't look quite like that when I'm cranky. hah)
Today I sit here waiting to go to work with an overwhelming need for escape. Not from where I am now, but just from life. From everything. I am overwhelmed with junk today, and I just want it to be gone for a while. I want to like my job, I want my parents to get into contact with me just to say hi, and for once not remind me of how much money I owe them. I just want out. Out of my head.
But for now, I will sit here counting the hours, with butterflies in my stomach, until I go to work. I will put on my loud music and let my mind absorb into it and filter everything else out, until I look at the clock again and count down the minutes until I have to go - all the while thinking of the things I should be doing before I go... Ugh. Somebody save me.
|
|
| cathartic ramblings of a dramatic Jen |
[26 Sep 2005|07:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rosie thomas |
] |
a month into this and still no friends to call my own in this city. so I pass my time alone, wondering if I set my standards too high. wondering if these aquaintences will ever blossom into something more, and wondering what you're doing. if I called, would you mind? would you be there?
looking for a reason to get out of my pijamas at 8:00 and having nothing come to mind, I sit here with rosie serenading my restless soul. me and my music - what a duo.
|
|
|
[24 Sep 2005|02:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
barry white - can't get enough of your love |
] |
so I'm dancing around my apartment to barry white and the mix I made for my trip up to Rae's, and it is making me so happy! haha. today is a crisp, sunny, fall day, and I am content. dreams of my future have been filling my mind, once again, and I am excited (but at the same time scared) about what is to come. someday I will have a job I love, and someone to share it all with. someone who won't leave and be forced to stay in contact from thousands of miles away (for long, anyway). *sappy sentimental sigh*
life is an adventure, and this is just the beginning. I have my ENTIRE life!! wow, I'm in a funny mood right now, haha.
|
|
| planning my future, once again. |
[22 Sep 2005|03:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ambitious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ryanhood |
] |
I'm in a really poetic mood today. Whether it's because I'm in a sappy "I need a boy" mood, I'm not sure - but everything I see today lines are running through my head. I wish they were all connected, and not just random dramatic phrases each having nothing to do with the other. hehe.
so, here is something I found myself saying while I was talking to mike last night:
Jen says:
I just want to have adventures for my whole life. is that too much to ask?
Seriously though! we got talking about it, and why shouldn't it be possible? I decided that I want to go to Brooks Institute of Photography (that was decided before this conversation taking visual journailsm) and then go work for National Geographic and travel for the rest of my life and get PAID to take pictures and do what it is that I am passionate about!! Honestly it is NOT that unrealistic. I'll save up for a nice camera, then when I go to Hawaii and Mozambique I'll get stuff for my portfolio, and then apply to work and travel for National Geographic!
Just a thought. We'll see what I'm thinking in a year. Hopefully it will still be along the same lines, hah.
|
|
| orange and red crinoline |
[20 Sep 2005|09:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
st.germaine. really great electro-jazz stuff. it's awesome. |
] |
SO, since I'm offocially allowed to be publically excited about this now...! Here's something I wrote yesterday (seems so long ago already!!):
she called this morning at 6am - 12am her time. I thought it was just a normal phone call. the fact that we are so far apart in extremely different time zones makes calling at this time in the morning almost normal. we talked for a little while, as I tried to wake up and form coherant sentences. we were talking about an email I had written her the other night, and then during a thoughtful pause all of a sudden she asks "Jen. Do you wear orange?" since that's her favourite colour I just laughed and said "well.. sometimes" Then she says "would you wear it for me?" and I laughed again, and told her I would figuring she was going to send me a shirt from Hawaii or something. Then she says "Do you wear red?" again.. laughter, then me saying that I do sometimes "would you wear it for me?" haha, and once again I say I would - getting a little confused, but just assuming it is normal silly Marissa. Then she says "would you wear those colours for your maid of honour dress in my wedding?" ......*pause*.......... "WHAT?!! AHHHHH!! Of COURSE I would!!!!!!!" *much girly screaming ensued* (or as much as I could at 6am, not wanting to wake Becky) along with some tears. So then she preceeds to tell me the whole story of her engagement which had only happened a couple hours before she called. So we talked until the sun was completely up and te city was alive, and until her phone was about to die. Marissa - my best friend - is getting married...! to a guy I've never met, no less. I am going to Hawaii to be in her wedding next summer. This is insane! We are growing up...
|
|