I've changed both of my blogs so that only my listed friends can read them , so I'm free to write, uhh...freely once again!
More on this matter later. For once, I'm going to try to go to sleep soon. Yarg. Yarg. Yarg.
Drank a lot of coffeeeeee for b'fast. 8-D~
And ate a slice of apple pie--the second one I've ever made, and the more beautiful of the two--delicious.
Now I'm chatting with Jeffrey & putting off the one or two errands I have to run.
Maybe I should drink some water to wash some of the caffiene out of my body.
Drank too much today, and some I drank too late. But it's worth it. Not like I've got anything pressing to do tomorrow anyway. (Though I should go ask for letters of reference from some folks.)
I'm definitely moving to Memphis. Gotta get out of this godforsaken hole of a town before I killkillkill. (That's the coffee talking. (Mostly.)) I don't have a job, but I don't care. I'm gonna live with Sam despite the fact that my sister and mother have both expressed concern that I don't know he's going to be a good roommate. Yarg. I know I'm not moving in with another Tal because Sam's considerate and doesn't listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers overandoverandover. And he's deaf, so he's not likely get irritated at Britney's incessant whining. Like Tal did. Hahhahaha. Man, he sucked as a roommate. I should have known; he never was that good of a friend to begin with.
On a harped note: Talked to Jeffrey again tonight. He's as funny and as weird as ever, and boy have I missed it. Can't wait to see him again, but I suppose that won't be until June or July. Whenever he does come down, I plan on dragging him all over creation so that he can meet all my fantabulous friends. I'll have to indulge him with fishing, of course, but that I don't mind at all.
I found out the other day that his girlfriend is working on her master's in criminal justice and works in a correction facility. Yikes. No, I didn't ask how they met, and I don't want to know. She sounds pretty respectable though...
I've been emailing and, as of today, chatting with Jeff. I even got to talk to him on the phone a bit. He's told me about how conflicted he's felt since he got back up North. I know that he still cares for me and would like to be with me again (he's told me as much) but feels obligated to his girlfriend and her kids. Understandable. Other than that, he's doing well in school and says he's shooting for all A's.
Life in the house is good. Drew and I seem to be doing ok despite my general fuckwittage, and I'm only a little uneasy about my lack of a job. I've pretty much made up my mind to move to Memphis and just get a shitty job somewhere; I can always get a career later. I hope to get a job as a flight attendant in February, but I've got to survive until then...
I just got an email from Jeff. He says he's really sorry, hopes I don't hate him, and would understand if I ignored him. If I reply, he'll try to explain.
I just got a call from Jeff's mama, Lucy. She asked if I'd talked to Jeff, and when I said I had, she asked when. I said that I talked to him the same day I'd talked to her last and that his girlfriend had answered the phone. She wasn't surprised, and said "Oh yeah, that bitch? Did Jeffrey tell you about her?" I said that he had but that he made it sound like they weren't dating anymore. She said she was sorry and that she'd just gotten off the phone with him. She'd "chewed his ass" for not telling me the truth. She asked him if he'd called me (no) and if he'd emailed me (again, no), and then yelled at him: "Why not?" I'm sure whatever excuse he gave her only got him scolded some more.
Lucy told me that she told Jeff he'd "screwed up a good thing" and that he said he knew he'd really screwed up. She also told me that he'd talked about me the whole time we'd been separated, especially after we'd lost contact. She said she was really sorry he'd lied to me and asked me to have faith in him. I told her that I do and that I'd do anything for him. She said that she knew I would. She also said that she wanted us to stay in touch even though she "has a shithead for a son." She asked Jeff when he'd be back down (June) and said that she and Mac would be back in town then too. I told her that I've been thinking about moving to Memphis but that I'd make it to visit regardless of where I was come June. "Memphis" she said "will be a good stopping point" for them. She and Mac travel around in a big camper and don't have a permanent home address.
Lucy also told me that when I'd called to get Jeff's address last week, she couldn't find it and asked Jeff's dad, Mac, what she should do. Mac said "Well, hell. Go ahead and give her his phone number." I suppose they'd guessed that Jeff hadn't told me about Meeka and allowed me to catch him in the lie.
I love being the mutherfuckin' winner in this contest.
So I just got done sobbing and snotting all over myself because Murph and I watched What Dreams May Come, the best movie to watch if you're in the mood to cry like a child that's just seen his favorite pet run over by a logging truck. I saw it when it first came out, but despite the fact that I knew everything that was going to happen in the film, I cried anyway. Just like the first time I saw it. Except then, I was with cw and tried not to weep as openly as I did tonight.
I've been in a bad mood all day partly due to the dreams (figures) that I had last night. I dreamed that Jeff and I were talking about his lying to me, or his not telling me the whole truth, if you will. We were face to face, and he was very upset with himself. But he told me that, yes, he'd been dating Meeka for two years and living with her for about as long. He paused, and then started crying. I asked "What else?" because I was going to get all of the truth out of him. He said, "And I got married." I asked "To her?" meaning Meeka. He said, "No" and kept crying. I asked, "To the blonde one then?" meaning Tara, the mother of his son. He said yes, her, that they'd gotten married because of the baby, not because they loved each other. He said that it didn't work out and they haven't been together since, but that they were still married.
I guess I woke up to that, but went back to sleep because it was only 9am, and I sure didn't feel like starting my day with that. So instead, I woke up to a phone call from my former boss who proceeded to tell me for about ten minutes some information that should have take about two minutes to convey. A student from one of my classes this past semester came to her wanting to know why *exactly* why he'd flunked my class. Of course, he mentioned that he'd been to class almost every day and that they didn't see any midterm grades. He failed, however, to mention that he never really came to me for help, participated much, or that he couldn't write a paper to save the life of his own mother.
As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be a teacher again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never teach again.
Oh yeah, and before I watched the movie with Murph, I told my sister about Jeff's girlfriend. She spent the whole conversation ignoring my reasons for needing to try things with Jeff again (which I know seems like a stupid, stupid idea that can only end badly, but I don't have the energy to explain myself right now) and shitting on my hope.
I called Jeff's mom today with the intention of getting his address. She couldn't find it, but had his phone number, which she gave me...Yes, Loyal Friend, I too thought that the numbers Jeff gave me were the only ones and was sad that they were disconnected. So I called the number. A female voice answered but handed the phone to Jeff when I asked for him. He made no mention of who she was or why she answered the phone.
I asked what he'd been up to, and he answered that he'd been up to nothing and had been sick lately. He also said that it'd snowed. I asked him why he hadn't called me, and he said that he doesn't really call people. I said that I didn't care, that it hurt my feelings that he hadn't called. He said he was sorry (I think. I don't really remember what was actually said as I was rather shocked by the whole event.) He got distracted by Gage or tried to change the subject several times during our brief conversation. Ignoring his attempts to change topics, I asked him if it was his girlfriend who'd answered the phone. He said she was, and tried to change the topic back to his being sick or by saying that he couldn't really talk because he was getting in trouble. I said that, that wasn't my problem and asked how long they'd been dating. He said about two years or so. She's very jealous; I know because he'd already told me about her last month but neglected to clarify that he was still dating and, I now assume, living with her. I think I told him that that would have been good to know a month ago. He said that he starts school on Wednesday (in a week) and that he'd email me once he started school. I told him he could have already emailed me from the library, but he said that he didn't go anywhere when it was cold. Again, I told him that I didn't care, that it'd hurt my feelings he hadn't called or anything. He said he couldn't call until he got a phone card but that he'd email me next week.
We got off the phone, I cried, I called my best friend Sherry, cried to her, and asked her what I should do. She said that I should call him back and tell him how I feel about him and about the whole situation, so I called back but got an answering machine. The message said, "Hi, this is Meeka. I'm not here right now, so leave a message." So I called Sherry back and got madder.
I spent the rest of the day faxing a resume for a job in Memphis and buying groceries. G was nice about things; for a guy, he's a very sympathetic girlfriend, and I appreciated that. Murph was a lot more skeptical about the whole Jeff situation, as usual. But she didn't want to bring me down any more and was nice too. She fed me some delicious tuna steak she cooked last night, which then inspired me to go back upstairs and eat a tuna salad sandwich, which was delicious in a different way.
I hate watching movies with people who can't just sit and watch the movie. (I'm so anal-retentive sometimes.)
Jerry Lee Lewis and Ike Turner
If I were an alien, I'd abduct cows. The background is an abstraction of the night sky and trees, rendered as to evoke a Sears Portrait Studio backdrop.
Everyone keeps asking if I've heard from Jeff. I haven't, but I seem to be the only one not bothered by his not calling. I know he will call eventually, and though I'm eager to hear from him, I'm by no measure upset that I haven't yet.
Maybe the people who are upset by his not calling forget that I went for three years not hearing from him or even about him. I can wait a few weeks, probably months, if I have to. At least now I know how to get in touch with his parents if I need to.
Please just get me the fuck out of Starkville. I'm starting to really, really hate it here. I have no real reason to, I guess, other than this town just doesn't seem to have anything to offer me anymore.
Or maybe I just don't want to clean my apartment.
From art historian Tricia Cusack's essay about the patriarchal imagery of snowmen:
In both the UK and US, Christmas has been gendered as women's realm in its emphasis on children and family [...]
The snowman's location in the semi-public space of garden or field reinforces a spatial-social system marking women's spheres as the domestic-private and the men's as the commercial public.
Pizza at Dave's on Tuesday: Free.
Drinks at Dave's on Tuesday: Likely upwards of 10 dollars/person.
Birthday party with friends and strangers at Dave's on Tuesday: Priceless...
We're having the pizza bash a day early so G the New Neighbor can come as he's leaving town for Nashville the next day. Though he says it's to see his g'friend, I'm sure it's because he hates my birthday.
Since seeing the preview for Tim Burton's Charlie & the Chocolate Factory at the beginning of A Series of Unfortunate Events, I'm obsessed. Johnny Depp, my truest imaginary love, is Willy Wonka, and I couldn't be more pleased. I'd read that Burton's film isn't really a remake of the one with Gene Wilder (another, though more innocent, love of mine) but will be more faithful to the book. So I bought the book. I went to Books A Million where I bought the book, a mid-size tea and sat down to read it in an hour and a half. Frankly, the Wilder Wonka isn't that different from the book. Some things are different but not spectacularly so.
Nevertheless, I'm eager for the Burton/Depp flick. Mmmmmm....Delicious Chocolate-covered Depp, with Nuts.
I don't know why, maybe it's Murph's period-depression rubbing off on me, but I'm ridiculously sad. Jeff said he'd get his phone turned on yesterday, but I still haven't heard from him. I know I'm an idiot for being so upset, but I feel like I've vested a lot of energy into an old relationship that I have absolutely no contact with. I can't talk to him, I don't hear from him, and I'm afraid that I won't soon. I feel certain that I will eventually, but because I haven't yet, I'm just afraid.
Maybe I should give up drinking and work more on personal growth. Maybe it's the bunch of irritants I spent the evening with. I love Taboo, but if a twenty-year-old spaz on the opposing team stands over my shoulder and tells me, the High Priestess of Taboo, that Anne Frank is Jewish, then the game really starts to suck big time.
I know Anne Frank was a goddamn Jew, but my knowing that doesn't make my teammates guess the clue any faster, and a nosering with a buzzer yelling it in my ear didn't help either.
Play on your own goddamn team.
I feel a bit paranoid.
Maybe it's all the Smashing Pumpkins
...but I think it's all the Jeffrey.
My favorite band that Jeff doesn't particularly enjoy: U2.
Song I asked Jeff to listen to once in high school that he requested this past Wednesday night: "Ultraviolet (Light My Way)" by U2.
Nickname best friend Sherry gave me in high school: Stick (I didn't like it much, but Sherry did.)
Nickname Jeff took upon himself at some point: Stickman
Time I've spent thinking/talking about Jeff: Constantly.
Time Jeff said that he's spent thinking about me since he left MS: Constantly, even in his dreams.
Number of friends I've made vomit with my incessant talk about Jeff: None known (yet).
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)