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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Willard's Blurty:
| Friday, January 14th, 2005 | |
| 6:42 pm | i walk this lonely road the only one that i have ever known dont know where it goes, but its only me and i walk alone i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams where the city sleeps and im the only one and i walk alone Chorus: My shadows the only one that walks beside me My shallow hearts the only thing thst beating Sometimes i wish someone up there will find me Till then, i walk alone Im walking down the line Something divides me somewhere in my mind on the borderline of the edge and where i walk alone Read between the lines whats fucked up and everythings alright check my vital signs to know im still alive and i walk alone |
| Sunday, October 17th, 2004 | |
| 4:39 am | An open letter to everyone that knows me Dear everyone: Fuck you. Over the past few months, a lot of you have decided to abandon me in my hour of crisis. Some friends you are. Many of you have expressed concern over how I seem to "be in a constant pity party" for myself. Or how, I'm just so overweaming that you can't take me anymore. Once again, fuck you. Don't you think, that if I could do something about my situation, I would? Don't you think, that if there was something better to do but sit here and be unhappy, I would do it? Don't you think, that I've tried successfully to force myself to be happy? Don't you think, that I've tried my best in each and every situation? Do you think I enjoy sitting here day in and day out crying about the shit thats has happened, and is happening? No? Well, that just goes to show how much you know and care about me. And as a side note, were were you all when I was at my happiest moments? Give up? Most of you were ignoring me. Oh, but you care, and you love. The truth is, there is nothing else to do. I can't make someone give me a job. I can't make someone pay all my bills. I can't make someone not break into my car. I can't make someone not steal my identity. I can't make some school closer to Virginia accept me into their college. I can't make people care for me and love me. I can't make my family care about me. I can't make gas magically appear in my car. I can't make my lay-z-boy not be broken (though I've tried). I can't make God love me. I can't make God repay me for all those times that I tried to be a good person, and help out every fucking body else in the world, by giving me some hope and good luck for a change. And guess what....neither can you. Surprised that I know this? Well, I've known it for a long time. If any of you had taken the time to get to know me before abandoning me, you would know that I never asked for your sympathy. You all chose to be my friends, you all chose to care about me. A committment like that means to me, that you have to take the good with the bad. Unfortuatley, all I have to offer right now is bad. I apologize for expressing a genuine emotion. All I wanted from you was some concern....someone to listen to me. But instead, all of you chose to grow weary of me, or abandon me, or tell me "you've got to look for the postive things." But guess what, things are going to get better. How do I know this? What, you all think all I do is hypothosize about bad things? Again, fuck you. I know, that one day, I will find something that will work out for me. I know, that someday, all the millions of times that I've failed, one time will work. As a result, I'll be happy, and successful. I'm to agressive in my attempts in life not to be successful at least once. I would prefer not to have life be such a struggle, but that again is something else I obviously can't control. Life is a struggle, my choice right now is to be unhappy and pissed off about it. When I get tired of that, I'll find something else to feel about it. This is how my mind works....simple, isn't it? Then I'll look back on these times, and the people that hurt me, abandoned me, changed their minds about me, hindered me instead of helped me, turned a blind eye, and a deaf ear.....I'll remember. And do you think, once all my dreams come true, I will let you forget how you tried to hold me down? I won't. In fact, I'm angry at all of you right now. None of you know what it is to live my life. But one thing I can say, everything that I've done or not done, I've done on my own. I live alone, and I'll die alone. No thanks to any of you. Its easy for you to sit there and judge me and say that I shouldn't be unhappy. You don't have the same pressure that I have. You don't have a family that lays in wait for you to fail so they can scoff at you, since thats the only emotion they know how to express. You've never had to earn everything you have. I have. Do I want you to feel sorry for me? NO I don't. I do want you to give me the respect I deserve and not patronize me by saying "oh poor Willard....so unhappy" Furthermore, I want you to respect my decision to be unhappy. Like I said, when I get tired of it, I'll move on. But none of you see it that way. Furthermore, believe it or not, I am actually a happy person. Its just that everything is such a pain in my ass that I can't allow that genuine emotion to come through. Nor can I find anything positve out of my current situatoin, other than to wait on a someday. But what you could do, is listen. What you could do is offer genuine concern and affection. I'm not interested in "things will be better someday." I need that someday now, and I don't need to be reminded of that. You could allow me to make jokes about my situation, and laugh at them. This helps me more than any of you knows. You could stop always wanting to pick a fight with me about whos right and whos wrong (and I should too). But thats too much to ask of any of you. You are all a bunch of selfish hypocrites that are no better than any of my family who has not done shit to help me, other than kick me when I'm down or throw money at me every three or four years to shut me up. So here it is. I've layed it down for you. I won't be happy about my present situation; that would be non genuine for me to pretend to be happy. I am trying very hard to get some order in my life, and to find some happiness. If you can respect me for that, then great. If not, I don't need you. All of you can start sending me IMs and voice mails one by one saying "hey, you're not worth it anymore. And to hell with you. On the other hand, if you want to try to still be my friend, then I will try not to catastrophize so much, and to attempt to share what I find good in my life at the present time. Thats my pledge to you. But I expect you also to tell me when I'm catastrophizing and being non productive. The choice is yours. Willard |
| Friday, October 15th, 2004 | |
| 3:58 am | What doesnt kill me, makes me stronger. I've always thought to myself that the world was against me. Some people have all the luck, some none at all. I am definatley the latter. Since I've moved to Atlanta, the following has happened: +Not able to get a job. Not because I haven' tried, its just they no one wants me and God hates me. +I'm about a month away from being out of money and being forced to beg my family. +I've had my identity stolen, and all my money +I've had my car broken into and my CD player stolen. +All my friends have forgotten about me and/or have expressly stated that they no longer care about me or want to talk to me. This results in a perpetual lonliness. +I have officially become pissed off at the world. + I've seen Roseanne Barr in a backless evening dress and thefore I thnk I'm gay + I no longer have a reason to wake up in the morning. My day consists of sitting in my broken ass lay-z-boy and watching TV until 3 am + I am still very afraid of living in the city. See above. + Even if I did get a job, in a years time its all going to have to be reevaluated when I start doing my practicums. + I can't even aford a dog. +I have no friends. Thats worth mentioning again. + All the self-therapy in the world won't solve your problems if your basic needs aren't met (i.e. nourishment, shelter, money, compainionship, good luck, cigerettes, reliable internet connection) So you may be asking yourself, what is going right. So I present the following: + School is great. I think I made the right decision + I can afford to pay for rent, just not anything else. + I'm in church choir Well there you have it. I live in a perpetual hell with no end in sight. My life sucks right now. I've struggled all my life, and tried to be good, and yet, my life still insists on being hell. I just don't know what else to say or do. Current Mood:  depressed |
| Thursday, September 23rd, 2004 | |
| 12:11 am | I need a new education This week the topic in my class has been behaviorism. I really like behaviorism, because I think that everything happens for a reason. There are no corolary motivations for anything. Since I've been studying behaviorism, particularly rational-emotive behavior theory, I really think it makes a lot of sense, especially to my own life. So, in order to attempt to reeducate myself and reinforce better thought patterns, this post will be an attempt to do so. Irrational Thought: I will never amount to anything. Replacement: Its not that I won't ever amount to anything, its just that I feel aimless right now because I feel that I should be doing better with my life. Its true, that I have no job, and only a couple of friends, one of which probably doesn't want to be my friend anymore (more on that later). But these are setback, not the end all. I have a great deal going for me. I"m smart, I'm reasonably good looking (except for my weight problem), I have one college degree, and soon I'll have one maybe two more. I'm a good person; I have a genuine interest in other people and in helping them overcome their difficulties, and I believe this genuine feeling will take me far in life. I do believe that I can change the world one day, and I'm going to continue to work hard to achieve that goal. Irrational Thought: I'm a loser. Replacement: Its true that I don't have much going for me now. What I do have, I don't have anyone to share with. But I don't need other people to prove my worth. I know I'm worth something because, like I said, I'm a good, smart, funny person. My life hasn't been the best....ever. But, I am a great deal luckier than most guys, but I understand that there are people more lucky than I am. I have always done the best with what I could do. I've had bad times when things have been bleak, but I've pulled through, and I'm still here. A loser mentality is the one that settles for less than their potential, and I have never done that, and I never will. I will not stoop to the level of a loser for anyone. Irrational Thought: I'm dependant on others to feel loved and appreciated. Replacement: Love is something that feels good, and its definatley something that I desire and treasure when I have it. But I've gone without love for a long time. I don't know what its like to be loved. I would hope that when I find it, I'll know what it is. But, I don't need a girl on my arm to feel loved and appreciated. These are desires, but they aren't essiental to life. If I went through my entire life never marrying anyone, or knowing anyone else in an intimate way, life still continues. I will still wake up each morning. My entire world doesn't revolve around the world of someone else. I am my own temple, I am my own person. I don't need anyone for validation. However, being in a relationship feels really good. I love being close to someone and sharing with them. But I don't need it. Life continues. Secondly, I can't make anyone love me. As much as I try, I can't. All I can do is accept people for who they are, and love them for that. If my love isn't reciprocated, thats cool...I'm not going to stop loving, and I'm not going to change being who I am just because I was rejected. Some people aren't going to like me....sometimes thats my fault....sometimes it isn't. But its not me that they don't find desireable, its my behavior. Granted, ones behavior does dictate the type of person they are, and most behaviors are nothing more that defense mechanisms. But if someone truly liked me, they would make the effort to see through those defese mechanisms. So once again, its not me they despise, if at all, its my behavior. Though it does hurt and feel bad to be rejected...especially after trying so hard to be a better person and make someone like me....but life goes on. It always does. Irrational Thought: Everyone hates me; the world is out to get me. Replacement: This is reinforced by me not being able to get anywhere in life, or so I feel. Its not that the world hates me, its that, again, there are people better than me, and thats okay. I am who I am. Perhaps if I apply for a job, and don't get it, its because I just wouldn't work out there, or someone has a better resume than I do. Perhaps I'm just looking in the wrong place, or trying to hard. Its certainly dispariging not to have a job or anything, but things will get better. Its not like I'm on some black list somewhere and I'll never be employed again. As the wise man Curtis once said, on my first night of security guarding, "Theres always a job for a nigga". It may not be what I want, but it'll be a job, and things will be okay. When the oppourtnity does come up that I want...then I'll jump on it. No one hates me. There are 5 billion people in this world. The small number of people that I have come in contact with could not possibly all hate me, and the majority don't know me. Anyway...they'll be more later...this is just the start. |
| Sunday, September 19th, 2004 | |
| 3:07 am |  You're GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip!! You're strong, tough, and know how to kick some ass. Don't forget though, no matter how manly you think you are, you're still just a doll. God Bless America. What childhood toy from the 80s are you? brought to you by Quizilla |
| 2:52 am | Yeah, so I found this on some youngin's blurty and wanted to do it cause I can't sleep. Have You Ever... [x] been drunk. [ ] smoked pot. [ ] kissed a member of the same sex. [_] rode in a taxi. [x] been dumped. [x] shoplifted. [x] been fired. [x] been in love. [x] been in a fist fight. [_] snuck out of your parent's house. [_] been arrested. [_] celebrated new years in times square. [_] went on a blind date. [x] lied to a friend. [x] had a crush on a teacher. [_] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans. [_] been to europe. [x] skipped school. [x] hooked up with a stranger. [x] thrown up from drinking. [_] lost your sibling. [ ] played 'clue'. [ ] had a sleepover party. [x] went skating. [_] dropped x. [ ] been cheated on. [_] had a sweet sixteen. [_] had a quinceanera. [x] had a car. [x] drove. [x] had sex. Do you... [ ] have a bf. [_] have a gf. [ ] feel loved [x] feel lonely. [ ] feel happy. [x] hate yourself. [ ] think youre attractive. [ ] have a dog [x] have your own room. [x] listen to r&b/ hip hop [x] listen to rap. [x] listen to rock. [x] listen to soul. [_] listen to techno. [ ] listen to reggae. [ ] paint your nails. [x] have more than 1 best friend. [x] masterbate. [x] get good grades. [ ] play an instrument. trying too. [ ] have slippers. don't wear them. [ ] wear boxers. [ ] wear black eyeliner [x] like the color blue. [x] like the color yellow. [x] cyber. [_] claim. [x] like to read. [x] like to write. [ ] have long hair. [x] have short hair. [x] have a cell phone. [x] have a laptop. [_] have a pager. Are you... [x] ugly. [ ] pretty. [x] ok. [x] bored. [ ] happy. [_] bilingual. [x] white. [_] black. [_] filipino [_] mexican [_] asian. [_] bolivian [ ] short. [_] other. [x] tallish. [_] grounded. [x] sick. [x] lazy. [x] single. [ ] taken. [x] looking. [ ] not looking. [x] talking to someone. [_] IMing someone. [ ] scared to die. [ ] sleepy. [x] annoyed. [_] on the phone. [x] in your room. [ ] drinking something. [ ] eating something. [x] in your pjs. [x] ticklish. VERY! [ ] listening to music. [x] homophobic. |
| 2:44 am | |
| Saturday, September 18th, 2004 | |
| 4:03 am | From now on, everything that is origional will be made for my eyes only. Sorry to anyone that thinks I"m so interesting you can't get enough. |
| 4:00 am | |
| Wednesday, September 15th, 2004 | |
| 1:29 am | How many times does your heart break how many tears do you cry How long does it take to forget a love that just won't die How many nights are you lonesome how many days are you blue How many lifetimes will it take me oh to ever get over you I've tried everything from wine to someone new But nothing or no one can take the place of you How many lifetimes will it take me oh to ever get over you How many lifetimes will it take me oh to ever get over you |
| Monday, September 13th, 2004 | |
| 4:03 am | I can't sleep, and this song came to mind. It has really beautiful imagry: Whiskey Lullaby Sung by: Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind Until the night He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger And finally drank away her memory Life is short but this time it was bigger Than the strength he had to get up off his knees We found him with his face down in the pillow With a note that said I'll love her till I die And when we buried him beneath the willow The angels sang a whiskey lullaby The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath She finally drank her pain away a little at a time But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind Until the night She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger And finally drank away his memory Life is short but this time it was bigger Than the strength she had to get up off her knees We found her with her face down in the pillow Clinging to his picture for dear life We laid her next to him beneath the willow While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby |
| Saturday, August 21st, 2004 | |
| 10:52 am | This sums it up too You'll Think of me Keith Urban woke up early this morning around 4am With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms I've been tryin' my best to get along But that's OK There's nothing left to say, but Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need 'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me I went out driving trying to clear my head I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this And all the baggage that seems to still exist It seems the only blessing I have left to my name Is not knowing what we could have been What we should have been So Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need 'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me Someday I'm gonna run across your mind Don't worry, I'll be fine I'm gonna be alright While you're sleeping with your pride Wishing I could hold you tight I'll be over you And on with my life So take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me So take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need 'em Take your space and all your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we got nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah And you're gonna think of me Oh someday baby, someday |
| 10:49 am | This sums it up So much for my happy ending oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh Oh oh, oh oh, oh... Let's talk this over It's not like we're dead Was it something I did? Was it something You said? Don't leave me hanging In a city so dead Held up so high On such a breakable thread You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be CHORUS You were everything, everything that I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh Oh oh, oh oh You've got your dumb friends I know what they say They tell you I'm difficult But so are they But they don't know me Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me All the shit that you do You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be CHORUS It's nice to know that you were there Thanks for acting like you cared And making me feel like I was the only one It's nice to know we had it all Thanks for watching as I fall And letting me know we were done CHORUS X 2 Current Mood:  exhausted |
| Friday, August 6th, 2004 | |
| 12:21 pm | Rantings of a weary old christian backslider I have spent 22 years of my life here on this earth. 22 wasted years. Despite what others think, I am a hard worker. I work hard at promoting things that I believe are worth promoting. I work hard at my chosen occupation. I have always tried my best in school. But I've pleased no one. No one is proud of me. No one cares about me. I could stick my brand new Glock .45 into my mouth and blow my brains all over the walls of my room and the only thing anyone would say to me is "Damn...look at the mess he left." I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. I have spent half my life in religious pursuits. I sacrificed a great deal to promote christian ideals, while attempting to support my church in various ways. I have done everything from sit through boring politically motivated board meetings to newsletters, to being the founding member of a church. The pastor of that church likes to tell the story about how out of the 150 letters he sent to the good solid christians in the area...I was the only one to show up and help start what is now a thriving congragation filled with two-faced people. This is why I left church. Well, thats not the only reason.....just one of them. God doesn't care about me. Everytime that I have chosen to walk down God's path and I finally get some happiness in my life...he yanks the rug out from under me. I thought I had found happiness in a girl. I guess I should have expected the worst given my track record, but nevertheless I allowed myself to trust someone. She used that trust to her advantage and got everything she wanted out of me and left me heartbroken and alone. Furthermore, I find not even three weeks later after telling me that she would never love again (once again I believed her shit) that she has found my replacement and that they are happy together and that this relationship seems to have a future. Too bad I think he's seeking a piece of ass...and shes going to give it up to him....and I'm going to laugh. I hope to God I'm wrong...cause then I'll have to kill him. But at least she grew because of our relationship and now shes ready to have a mature relationship. I don't know why she thinks I'm incapable of a mature relationship....but whatever. I can't make someone love me. But I can sure make them lie about loving me to get something. Oh but its all okay...shes sorry she treated me the way she did. That makes it all better. But then she lies about how much this man means to her when I ask her about it. It makes me wonder why I would trust such a compulsive, manipulative, liar. I'm actually happy that I was able to make her grow up. I seem to have that effect on people that I get involved with. It goes like this....I get involved with them, they profess to love me, I show them what it means to love someone, they get scared, I'm left alone, they grow from the expierience and move on to have a meaningful relationship with someone other than me. I sometimes wonder if I"m the only one in the world that knows what it means to love someone. Love means that you committ to someone. If you choose to love someone, then you have to accept them for who they are. It even means catering to them every once in awhile. Even if it means that you have to listen to them babble on and on about something. Love means that what may be of great importantce to them, and means nothing to you, you still suppor that and encourage that. Love means that you listen...no matter how long it takes someone to finish talking. Love means attending a few pity parties every once in awhile, but yet having the wisdom to say to them "okay, you've sulked...now what". To love someone means to be patient, because you never know when you're being tested. You fail the test, it takes a long time to build that trust back up. Love never dismisses or belittles one's feelings. To love someone is to be honest with them always...even when it may hurt the person. To share with them as much as they share with you...and more. A committed relationship that is based on love takes even longer to sort out. This only comes after all the tests have been given, and all the emotional baggage sorted out (bullshit in one pile, legitimate needs in another, trauma in another, and skeletons in another), then and only then can you have a relationship. For someone who has had a traumatic life, like me, they have visable scars to show it. You can see it in their eyes how much they hurt inside. People that have been involved with me have the false assumption that I need them to heal my scars. I have earned my scars; I wouldn't be the same without them. But because I have those scars, I'm easily scared again....and that person with whom I'm involved with has to work a little harder to wade through all the bullshit I throw at them. That wisdom that allows someone to wade through all that is called love. I really am a good person. I know I am. No matter how many people try to put labels on me and tell me what I am....I know that I am a good person. I know this because I have worked damn fucking hard to be a good person. Yes, I'm bitter. Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder. But, I earned all of that too. I am proud of who I am and what I have done because there is not another single damn person in this world that has taken the time to be proud of me. And look what I have to show for it. Nothing. When I move to Atlanta, I no longer will have a home. I am alone...again. I never have had a family. I have been dispensable to even my bestest of friends. I have myself. Every place that I have ever permanently left, I have been alone. I would even bet that when the time comes for me to go...there will be no one to show me off. All I have is this small flicker of hope that maybe things might be better for me someday. Hope that maybe someday, I can actually be happy. This is a hope that is dwindling very fast. I know that I"m in trouble. I know that I need to seek help. But how...I don't have time for that. Who's going to catch me this time. God? Where is God, but the one who allowed me to get in this position in the first place. I have spent my entire life in the service of others. I have sacrificed a great deal of my own time, my own life, to help others....to give others a glimmer of hope. I have been there for people that were dying. I have tried my best to make sure that they smile again...that they see another birthday. I have worked tirelessly promoting God, and helping spread God's word to others. I have been a good steward; I have been the salt and the light on this world. BUT WHERE IS GOD FOR ME WHEN I NEED HIM? I have spent my life working for good. Most of the time there is no selfish gain to be had in what I do, other than the satisfaction that I did it...a very human emotion. And where is God but right there to pull the rug out from under me again. I am very angry. Just when I have my life in order; when I have a plan A and a plan B....the rug just gets swept out from under me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm scared. What am I going to do in a big city with people I don't know. I have a place to live...but no way to pay for it. Nothing I do is worth anything. Its all worthless. Everything I do, and when I die, all I'm going to do is rot....just like the billions of people that have come before me, and the billions that will come after me. I will have dedicated my life to the service of others, and when I die, I rot. Why God? Why me? Why do you punish me? Oh I know its not my place to question God. How dare I have a thought of my own and actually want to know the logic behind why the very God that professes to love me (see above) whom I've faithfully served for most of my life seems to want to continually destroy my existance. That very God who wants to make me stronger by allowing adversity to happen to me, is killing me more and more every moment it happens. Is this the way that God treats someone who has dedicated his life to stewardship and putting others ahead of me? Why? I'm sorry...I need an aswer. I'm tired of mindlessly going through life believeing in a higher power when that higher power isn't looking out for me. Where are you God? Oh I forgot....God doesn't listen to me. God doesn't hear me cry myself to sleep every night because of the things that he allows to happen to his servant. He doesn't hear my pleas for mercy and my cries for help. Why would he. He's to busy looking out for people that are incapable of learning even the simplest of concepts. Why would he bother with someone that has strived to make him happy and no one else. He only took my family away from me. He only allowed my home to be taken away. All my assets depleted over and over again. He only allowed me to have to struggle through life to accomplish jack shit. He makes sure no one in this WORLD loves me or cares about my existance. Why would he have time for me? Hes all I've known, and all I've ever had....yet even he doesn't care. I don't renouce God. I just want him to spend a little time with me. |
| Wednesday, July 7th, 2004 | |
| 1:57 am | Its over. Everything I have ever hoped for. Dreamed about. Thought about. Its over. I wanted happiness. and I had it But I lost it Because I can't appreciate it. I dont know what it is. I want the pain to end I want the lonliness to end but it never will. I'm to blame Its all over. |
| Wednesday, June 30th, 2004 | |
| 11:07 pm | I wrote this on the way home from another one of Tracy's family functions: Hi honey: On the way home I thought about what transpired today and the conversations that I had last night. I also had a long, tearful deliberation about us?.more importantly about me. God has a plan and a purpose for each and every one of us. God works for the good of those that love him. These two paradigms I have believed in since I was six years old and could comprehend what it was to be a Christian. I was raised Christian, baptized Christian, and remained a Christian. Then my world fell apart?yet through it all I remained steadfast in my faith. Then, I witnessed the collapse of the lives of everyone around me. People that exemplified what it was to be good. So, being the good Christian that I was?.I prayed. Yet, their lives still began to fall. I grew weary and frustrated. When I witnessed the lives of others falling and then reflected on my own difficulties, I grew very bitter and angry toward God and toward society. This has grown to become the monster that it is now. I have been foolish and blind not to see what God has been doing in my life. He has been the only constant thing in my life regardless of how far I have tried to run. God has a purpose for me?which though I have not yet fully rationalized the entire extent of his purpose?I now see that his purpose for me is to be that rock for people in need. To be the one that brings order to chaos. The more I think about this, the more it amazes me how much God has worked in my life despite me knowing it. I have always been attracted to service jobs. I have always been the one to go to a party and hang out with the lonely girl by herself in the corner crying. But I have tried desperately over the past five years to run away from my purpose. I have tried desperately to run away from God and religion and everything else. But it is what John said to me last night that brought me back. When I asked him?as someone that has been in the ministry for 25 years ?why do bad things happen to good people.? I smirked expecting the polished church answer. That?s not what I got. God gave us free will for a reason. He wants us to be able to fend for ourselves; to decide for ourselves what is good or not. If God controlled every aspect of what experiences we have, then we would be without this. God allows us to go through things to make us stronger. To enable us to fulfill our purpose. Tracy, I have tried so hard to run away from God, I don?t know how to get back. Hell, I don?t even own a bible anymore. I have replaced the good and virtue in my life with anger, bitterness, frustration, malice, and hate. Instead of being my own example, I relied on others to be emotionally fulfilling to me. That is not a task that someone should have to have thrust upon them. This is where you come in. I was too busy being hurt and angry at the world that I couldn?t appreciate what I had. Not just with you, but with everything. I expected you to be my emotional support. I expected you to be my rock?and that isn?t your purpose in my life. When you commit to a relationship, you agree to a certain level of support. But, I expected you to fill in the gaps of what I was missing in my life. That was unfair of me. It is highly improbable that one single earthly person could heal my emotional scars. You gave me all that you could, but I never appreciated it. Instead, I saw you as an opportunity to explode all of my malice and frustration, and anger that I had for life and for the world. I took it as an opportunity to exploit you and expect you to support my sometimes fragile emotional state. In other words?..I tried to push you away. I realized as I drove home this afternoon that I have been successful. I realized that I did not appreciate all the love you had to give me?.which was a lot?and so you stopped. I did not appreciate the support you had to give me?.so you stopped. This is what any reasonable person would do in the situation. I also realized that I can?t make you love me. I cant make you be considerate of me. I am really truly sorry that I have let you down. I promised to change, and I realize now that I was going about that change the wrong way. I was trying so hard to run away from God and everything good in my life that I completely alienated myself from it. All I saw was negative because that?s all I allowed myself to see. But with tearful sorrow, I don?t know how to get back any more. I don?t know how to undo all the bad that I?ve created for myself. I don?t know how to be religious?or a Christian?or whatever you want to call it. That?s why I humbly and sincerely ask for your help. I don?t want you to be my rock, or my emotional crutch, or to attempt to be my daily dose of Prozac to make me feel better. I want all you have tried to give me. I want your love?and I want you to be happy. But I realize that I have most likely fucked things up beyond reconciliation. I take all the blame and responsibility for it?..which is why I?m not begging. Like I said, I can?t make you love me. I have thrown your love back at you for so long, that you probably have no more to give. I understand. I am really truly sorry that I have let you down. I am really sorry that I was too selfish to be someone that cared about you. All this time I thought that you were selfish, but when someone bombards you with something, all you can do is take shelter. In your case, you withdrew into yourself. Closed the door on me. And I understand. I have made the decision to follow God?s plan for me, even though I don?t yet have a clear picture of what that is. I don?t plan to get super religious. I don?t plan to become a bible thumper. I wanted to thank for helping me see that that is what I was missing all along. Half the time we have no idea what influence we have had on someone, and you have made such a significant difference in my life?.you just don?t know. I am really happy to have known you, and I thank you for all you have done in my life. And believe it or not?.I really truly love you and I wish you the best in all that you do. |
| 10:54 pm | WTF What the hell was I thinking? This weekend I had the privilage of attending Tracy's family reunion. Now, you must understand that when I think of family reunion...I think of a bunch of people that don't like each other getting together and talking about each other. Either that or a white trash, beer drinking, kareoke singin, hoe down (which is ironic considering most of Tracy's family is from West Virginia). But it was actually fun. I don't know what its like to have a family that is warm, inviting, approachable, and that has a sense of cohesion. I was highly impressed and shocked. It was really surprising to me that not only did this family allow me to eat with them and fellowship with them, they also allowed me to be in the sacred familly picture. My family would have shit a brick, shot me, thrown me in the lake, and then talked about me for the next 20 years if I even dared bring Tracy to a family reunion...muchless participate in the picture or give her a t-shirt. Because of this, and many other reasons, I asked Tracy to marry me on Sunday. Sitting in the Hooters' parking lot. Granted, it wasn't the most romantic spot to ask someone to marry them. I've never been one to pick good moments for things. But I asked her...she said yes with reservations. Ever since the first time I saw Tracy, I knew she was the one. Ever since the first kiss, I knew I was sure. We've had some rough times, but for some reason that just seems to make our relationship stronger. I think its because we both have an understanding of why we do the dumb things we do to each other. We both have walls that need to come down. This is why even though I've done asked for her hand, I'm in no rush to actually get married. That and we can't agree on how to get married (Vegas with Elvis vs. Big Church Wedding). But I have to admit, I'm scared. And so is she. Thats why I'm afraid that I may have scared her off. She hasn't called in two days. I was really hoping that we could discusss (yeah I'm a damn psyc major...shoot me) how we feel about things. But shes not the type to discuss. It's sortof frustrating to me, but then again there are some things that should be discussed face to face. On the previous Wednesday, I knew I was crazy over this girl. I drove to her house in the middle of the night because I thought our relationship was ending. I just can't let her go. I fought her and myself to be with her, and I've been fighting ever since. I don't know what I would do without her. This is why I believe myself to be crazy. Insane. Cookoo. A few bricks shy of a load. Not the sharpest crayon in the box. Current Mood:  crazy |
| Monday, April 12th, 2004 | |
| 6:04 pm | What do you do When the one you love Decides that she never loved you. What do you do. When the one you adore Adores another, and you become the distraction. What happens when the person she does adore, breaks her heart. Then she in turn runs to you for comfort. What do you do? Do you suck up your feelings, and listen? Try to be a good friend. While on the inside, you die. Your heart breaking into little pieces. Tourturing to the point of anguish. Knowing that all along, what you had was a charade. Can you move on from that? Can you fulfill another role, even after that one is destroyed? My heart cries out as it never has before. I want to take all your pain away, and much more. But I can't stand to hear you talk about the other, the one you adore. Its too much to compete with. I don't have a history or a promise. I don't even come close to the image of him in your mind. I never will. So what do you do? When the one you love, decides that she never loved you. When you become the distraction, and can't compete. Do you shelve your emotions? Do you take advantage of the oppourtunity? Do you decide its too much drama...and run away screaming? I know, perhaps better than you, the one in your life that walks on water never does no wrong. No matter what, you'll forgive him, and we'll be right back where we started. Our hearts broken. I tried to hard to compete. Worked hard in my selfless autuistic pursuit to impress you. To win your love, and your satisfaction. But that never happened. Maybe I was too good. Maybe I had too much will... too much ambition... Maybe I tried to hard... I've been guilty of that before What didn't I do? Where did I go wrong? All I asked from you was honesty regardless of what it was. What do you do? When the person you love, never loved you. When the person she adored, wasn't you. You were mearly the middle man; the distraction. What do you do? |
| Tuesday, March 30th, 2004 | |
| 11:23 pm | Guess who's back? haha I used to be broke, confused..no joke Got used, smoked dope, paid dues Refused to give up quick, Now theres 10 million motherfuckers on my dick So what, say how, say who Fuck what, fuck me, fuck you Come clean, you know I will Drink a fifth of Jim Beam and still stand still uh I'm the illest fool Cooler than the water in a swimmin' pool Fly like a seagul, kickin' like a mule More jams than a beetle from Liverpool I deliver fool Now who the fuck are you? I'm Kid motherfuckin' Rock from the old school Got more money, than Matchbox 20 Get more ass than Mark McGrath They say I'm cocky, and I say What? It aint braggin' motherfucker if ya back it up They say I'm cocky, and I say What? It aint braggin' motherfucker if ya back it up I'm from the outskirts of Detroit rock city A shirts, cadilacs, big titties Skinny models you can keep those I like big corn fed mid western hoes Dont you know? Talk fast, pimp slow Show up to black ties in t-shirts and slippers Sippin' liquor, fuck models, love strippers Known as the big tipper with the big dipper I got queens holdin' keys to my slipper Fuck a real good girl, I got the baddest bitch in the world They say I'm cocky, and I say What? It aint braggin' motherfucker if ya back it up They say I'm cocky, and I say What? It aint braggin' motherfucker if ya back it up You think you got it good in Hollywood I got acres of land laid back in the woods Holdin' shares, cool like Fonzy Rollin' Lake St. Clair in my 40 ft. donzy You got a Bently? Wow! I got jets with web bars and trucks with gold plows Bitch bow when I pimp through For the Kid the Rock the red, white and blue Who knew the Kid would be Everything from old George Jones to Jay Z Baby I'm sick of gettin ripped off So pissed 'bout to be pissed off Mackin' me cause you know I'm paid That's why I'm clapin' my gardners and fuckin' my maids Nevermind my age but if we're takin' number 15 million sold motherfucker They say I'm cocky, and I say What? It aint braggin' motherfucker if ya back it up They say I'm cocky, and I say What? It aint braggin' motherfucker if ya back it up Cocky, and I say What? It aint braggin' motherfucker if ya back it up They say I'm cocky, and I say What? It aint braggin' motherfucker if ya back it up |
| Friday, February 20th, 2004 | |
| 3:38 pm | The Plan for the Rest of my Life I decided I wanted to write out the plan thats been stuck in my head for awhile. Mainly because I know how highly the people that read this think of me (reference: I am God). Also, so those of you who think so highly of me can have something else to use against me. Career plans for the rest of my life: Objective: To start a new life, yet again, somewhere elsewhere in the world so that I never have to worry about the things that I had to worry about in high school and college again. Plan A: Go to Grad School, get a master's degree. Become LPC. Teach at a community college (or equal thereof) for a couple years while seeing clients on the side. Write many journal articles on a topic and develop my own theory and resoning. Get Rich and Famous. Plan B: Find a medeocre job to work and be unhappy just like everyone else. Get Master's degree in something later on. See Plan A. Teir 1: Challenge Job Fair (completed preleminary testing for VBPD) Teir 2: Healthcare Jobs Teir 3: Public Relations/Marketing Jobs Teir 4: Social Service Jobs Teir 5: EMT jobs, somewhere that pays decent. Plan C: Stay at Longwood two more semesters and attain a second Bachelor's in Communication Studies. Then refer to plans A and B. Plan D: Win the Lottery or Sue someone and refer to plan A. Add to that the nill need to worry about finding a place to live and finally having time to concentrate soley on my education (something I have never been able to do). Plan E: Become alcoholic. Live off of welfare for the rest of my life. |