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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in
Two Hookers and an 8 Ball's Blurty:
| Wednesday, February 5th, 2003 | |
| 1:19 am | A place where you have always wanted to make love: actually.... a cemetary... it seems so thrilling and it would be hot under the stars and so close to nature... yet dark and sexy A wonderful place where you have made love: my friends' moms bed... not wonderful, just.. sad A strange place where you have made love: on a basement floor in a little room with like 10 glow in the dark stars on the ceiling.... and a crib in the same room.. lovely A special place on your body that, when kissed, feels unbelievably good: my nape An unfulfilled sexual fantasy: shh A fulfilled sexual fantasy: i said shhhhh. A fragrance that reminds you of someone you have been intimate with: i dont like cologne crap The approx. number of sexual partners you have been with: what do you mean by apporximate? Do you mean.. like any form of sexual things? The approximate is throwing me off:) A person you regret sleeping with: I dont regret anymore about that shit A person you regret not sleeping with: Josh You feel most attractive when: someone is doing fun things to me A fantastic kisser you have known: Josh, luie, kurt, and shithead The worst lover you have ever experienced: I would like to change it to kisser... and that would be erik. The book, song or movie title that best describes your sexuality: hmmm... i cant think of titles like that. Profession: hot topic sales associate Height: 5'9 Allergies:dust, dogs, cats, penicillin A smell that makes you pause: berries... any berry scent A taste that makes you melt: berries A city you'd like to visit: toronto. A country you'd like to explore: france, germany, switzerland, italy, england, greece Your favorite meal: olive garden A drink you order most often: sprite. A book you highly recommend: catcher in the rye by jd salinger An author who has moved you: aldous huxley The music you prefer while alone: Radiohead, enigma, kmfdm While at a party: Ii sit by myself Your favorite bands: msi, nin, funker vogt A film you could watch over and over: nmbc, little nicky, bridget jones' diary A TV show you watch regularly: conan A monument you would like to have a view of from your room: umm... Your favorite time of the day: night, evening Your strangest possession: the barbie leg I carry in my purse with the rollerblade and kneepad on it Your most prized possession: my flamingos? If your house was burning and you could only save four things, they would be: cds, clothes, fishy, pillow Your most recent lie: "Jaime, Im going to bed.... yes... no i am really going to bed now.... ok bye". A lie you tell yourself: "You wont be alone forever". Someone you have killed in your thoughts: blah One thing in this world you are addicted to: crying A drug or alcoholic beverage you take on a regular basis: caffeiene If there were no side effects, you would enjoy being addicted to: marijuana... easily.. Drugs you have tried in the past: marijuana, alcohol, prescription drugs that I shouldnt have taken... A drug you will never try again: laced marijuana.. Have you ever hit a woman? If yes, explain why: yes, I hit debi when she annoys me. :) As an adult you have hit a man? umm... I kicked my ex in his nuts... hard.. when he was being an ass You have been arrested? not really. You have read someone's diary or gone through their personal possessions without asking? yea Have you purposely hurt someone emotionally: yes, because i am a bad person Have you apologized? dont remember Have you accidentally hurt someone emotionally: yes. Have you apologized? tried to Do you believe in God: Nope. What religion were you raised with:none. Do you still practice this religion: not applicable How do you picture the end of the world: i dont know, i would be dead Does life exist on other planets? yes... not around here though Have they made contact with us: sure. Have you ever been treated by a psychotherapist: yes. Three qualities you look for in a friend: trustworthy, entertaining, non-fake The friend you miss the most: josh When was the last time you saw this friend: the night we graduated A friend you lost for a reason other then death and why: because i cheated on them because I am selfish A friend you need to forgive: none that i know of? Current Mood: sad Current Music: funker vogt |
| 12:18 am | I can already taste the bile in my mouth...... and its fucking nasty. I'm back. And still pissy. Wanna taste? Current Mood: gloomy |
| Saturday, January 11th, 2003 | |
| 1:52 am | I guess you see... I had another daydream I have been pierced since tuesday and my parents havent seen it yet. I dont care. Im not going to the stupid football party tomorrow at my aunts house. Yayyyy lets all eat turkey and mashed potatos and corn and then get fat and sit and wait for the playoff games to start and then get fat some more by eating snacks. No. Instead I will stay home and sleep until 6. And then scrounge around my house looking for something to eat. Maybe order cheap food... like a pint of house fried rice from the local chinese place. So I am drinking my second can of caffiene free diet coke. I hate coke. Fuck it, I hate COLAS. Sprite, sierra mist, or Rootbeer for me, thanks. I need to paint. Painting makes me happy. I need to be happy. |
| Monday, January 6th, 2003 | |
| 1:14 am | Tonite I went to the show. It was ok.. sorta. Some of the bands were bad, the others were decent. Saw a lot of people I knew, my head was hurting by the end of the night. We went to dennys afterwards, i spent like 25 dollars on me and appetizers and part of ashlees meal. Thats a lot. A lot of people from the show started showing up.... I hung out with them for a while, but something just..... snapped. I like... suddenly just wanted to.. hit everyone that was there. I felt like standing up and just screaming at everyone. I dont know. I had to leave, left without saying bye to anyone, no one even noticed, why would they? The whole ride home I was thinking horrible things. I dont know.... I havent felt suicidal in so long.... years at least. And there I was thinking about how no one would care if I was gone. I began to ache to cut myself. I want to cut myself again, its been years, and i ache to feel that burning pain. I wont talk to anyone, ashlee isnt answering me, whatever. Fuck it im going to bed. I just dont give a shit right now. Current Mood: depressed |
| Saturday, January 4th, 2003 | |
| 5:40 pm | Mew The weekend belongs to Aquarius. Set the tone for all of your days off during the coming year. Freedom is worth more to those who already know how to use it. I hope its a good weekend... I dont know. I have a party tonite, I dont wanna go. I havent been in the mood today to go to a party. Its gonna be a bunch of people I dont know probably. Yeah. Tomorrow I am actually going to a local show..... for the first time in my life. Two guys I work with, Travis and Josh, have both of their bands playing there. It should be fun, I hope. ---- I finally told my parents I want to see a psychiatrist again---- They want to go with me, I mean, they offered. I think that was nice of them, but I just dont think that would be good considering I have a lot of things to say about them. I dont know, I feel like they hate me anymore, like they put so much stress on me. I was gonna tell her I want a piercing or a tattoo but right before I did, she was like "so how much have you saved so far to pay us back for college???" FUCKIN A. All I want is to spend like 60 bucks on a piercing/tattoo and she has to ruin it. *deep sigh* I dont want to go anymore tonite. My whole mood just changed. I would much rather sit here and sulk and cry. And paint. I cant wait til school starts again so I can paint. Painting 1 should be fun. And soothing. Im so fucking tense... |
| Thursday, January 2nd, 2003 | |
| 3:02 pm | good afternoon.... i think its good.. Dear jennie, Here is your horoscope for Thursday, January 2: Too tired to play the rebel, you're happy to do what you're told. The system that you hate can actually be a comfort at times like this. In another few days you'll be your spirited old self again. Yes. I better be in my old spirit again, especially tomorrow. I will be hanging out with a bunch of people I like. My manager Debi, Assis manager Crystal, Ashlee and Krista (i work with them also). We are taking a ROAD TRIP! up to north jersey to do some shopping. We will be visiting a fellow hot topic store and a store hot topic owns called Torrid. Hurrah for employee discounts. So I talked to Ashlee a lot last night, about my current *crush* situation. I hate using the word crush, it makes me feel like Im 13. So that is the deal with the little * * around crush, because I dont want to use it in its pure form. Get it? I hope so. My family started our diet today. I figured everytime I get hungry and its not dinner time... I will just eat 3 childrens chewable vitamins. It equals out the same. Kinda. Ohhh I love the thought of me abusing childrens vitamins. How horrid is that? Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: msi- dickface |
| 2:06 am | why the hell. Do you ever wonder why we were made to feel so many emotions?? Well at a time like now I do. Because I cannot tell you how many I am experiencing at this single moment from events that have happened over the past 50 hours or so. Depression Sadness Lust Hatred Confusion Giddy (a crush?) Self hatred Worthlessness Ugliness Destructive Pained Betrayed Loved Hated by others I just dont know what to think or how to deal with these thoughts. Its a new year. I am hoping that somehow I can calm everything down to at least one or 2 emotions... preferably loved and happy? I dont know. And I try not to like people, because no matter how much I like a person, no matter how much I ache to be with them, to tell them how I truely feela bout them, I cannot bring myself to do it. Instead I let everything swoosh around inside and mix up and I end up hating the person or some other bad thing. I fear rejection like I fear death. I cannot tell people how I feel. And so once again, after trying to deny myself of it for over 4 months, I have another.. *crush* if you will. I tried not to. But alas, it is so. And nothing I could do could stop it. And now I want to say something to them... but I cannot. Not just because of my personal reasons, but because of other reasons that would conflict on doing so. And this time, I actually feel like I could get it out to them, without fearing rejection. Im not saying that they wouldnt reject me, bc I am sure they would, but because I have this feeling in me that I NEED to tell them. And I cant. And this makes me oh so sad. I hate being a 19 year old girl, soon to be 20 in one month.... that still sometimes cries herself to sleep because she is not happy with something. She is a brat. She is spoiled. She grew up an only child, she grew up in a trailer park (not a trashyone mind you, a nice one), she grew up not being able to afford everything great. Yet she always got more than she deserved. She always got all the attention. She was always the baby in the family. Jennie was a good girl that was so sweet and angelic and got practically anything she wanted. And now she doesnt have anything she wants. Her own spoiledness turned against her. She did bad in school. She developed depression. She gained a LOT of weight from the depression pills. She lost her best friends because they all stabbed her in the back. She lost the only person she ever loved because of him changing. Yet she stayed the same. But no oine realized that. She wears masks, hoping people wont see how defenseless and weak she is inside. She pretends to be mean, touch and bitchy, yet cries at night because she thinks people hate her and talk shit about her. She cant help it. No matter how hard she tries to stop. She is sorry... sorry for everything. Sorry for treating people like shit. Sorry for being treated like shit, since she thinks its her fault. She just needs to be loved. To feel pretty again. To gain the fucking nearly 100 pounds she gained from her fucking depression medication. Fuck her old psychiatrist who didnt take her off them pills. She needs to gain self confidence. She needs to start over, to make new friends. She already found new friends that are great, but do they really like her as much as she hopes. She just wishes this would end.... Current Mood: confused Current Music: kmfdm |
| Tuesday, December 31st, 2002 | |
| 2:55 am | /X\(..)/X\ Word to your mom, I have arrived. |