Yesterday was hell. Complete hell. *pauses* ..I've been getting these notes, all the time. At work, to my fan club.. but never to my door, never past the gates, through the grounds to our front door.. by hand.
I'd get them every day and every day, some of the guys and I would laugh over them, assume it was a practical joke. Right before I'd toss the letter into the trash with the rest of them. Never once did I take them seriously and never once did it cross my mind that this might not just be your regular obsessive fan that every Joe who works in the limelight has to deal with from time to time.
Yesterday I got home, the second I walked through the door I felt something wasn't right, then Sarah came down the stairs and I knew it. She'd been crying, of course I asked her what was wrong, she tried to speak but nothing came out, instead she handed me a letter and burst into tears.
She had come home and found it waiting at the door, she opened it, she felt bad for opening it.. but damn right she should have opened it, I would have done the same thing. I just wish I'd have been there to explain the second she had seen it, instead of her being alone, being forced to wonder thoughts that should never cross her mind. Doubting things she should never ever have to doubt.
I told her straight, I've been getting mail like that for a while, I never mentioned it because I know how annoyed she gets by things like that and found it unnecessary, also because I thought they were stupid.. amusingly stupid.
I told her the complete truth and she knew it, she trusted me and I thanked her for that.. I mean with the detail and everything in these letters, I wouldn't blame her for having doubts, I don't want to think about what I might have thought if the tables had been turned.
Sarah is my world and it kills me to think she is suffering because of this, it irritates me beyond belief.. when she hurts I hurt and I hate that it works both ways, I would rather hurt a million times more than I do just to shield her from any pain. If there is one thing in this life that I would never do, it's to intentionally hurt Sarah. I wouldn't.. I couldn't and definitely not in the way this woman is making out that I would.
There is no other woman for me, remove Sarah from my life and I will be alone forever, I don't care how stupid that sounds. There is no and there will never be a replacement. She is my heart, my soul and the air I breathe.. this psycho chick needs to learn that without Sarah I would not be even half the man I am today.
Last night neither of us wanted to be at home, it just doesn't feel right being there right now.. knowing this psycho chick is lurking around our house somewhere, watching our every move, planning hers. Aly has been staying with us for a while, she didn't want to be on her own in her house after everything with Alexis, which is understandable, being in the house alone would be the least of my worries if I was in her position.. she's amazingly strong, especially as she overcame her home hate for us, we slept at hers last night..
Not that either of us caught a wink. The whole situation is messed up. We just sat and talked for a while before we decided it was best to at least try and get some sleep, she crawled into my arms and closed her eyes but I don't think she ever actually fell asleep.. I sure didn't. I couldn't, my mind was too full. Laying there in the dark holding her was the safest I'd felt all day.. it's amazing the extent of what the simplest of things can make you feel.
Today while Sarah was taking a shower Eliza called to see how she was, we ended up talking.. for quite a long time. I'd forgotten just how much of a friend she is, I mean I spend most of my time giving her a hard time and believe me, she gives as good as she gets. There's a constant childish banter between us, but when it comes down to it, she really knows how to put some things into perspective.. I hate to admit it, but I really do appreciate her words and especially her friendship.
I was thinking earlier today, something Sarah and I had talked about.. and I mentioned this to Eliza too, that this person, this absolutely unbelievable person who is doing her damned best to get herself thrown in jail, has got to be someone we know, really.. how else would she have access to everything to do with me and go unnoticed? If someone we didn't know was on our property, around us close enough to have such personal knowledge, we'd know.
The fact that it's got to be someone we know scares the the hell out of me, it's one thing to have a mentally unstable woman in your life.. but it's a whole new story to have a mentally unstable woman you know and trust in your life. It could be anyone; It's the worst feeling, looking at all the people you love and trust wondering "are you the one making our lives hell?" ..I can't even suspect people like Eliza and Aly without feeling awful about it.. even though I know every single person in our lives right now is a suspect. It being someone close to us is just too fucked up to comprehend.
It's hard. I don't want to suspect my friends, it's the last thing in the world I want to do. It feels wrong and untrusting.. but at the same time, what the hell am I supposed to do? Someone, one of them is doing this, one of them is giving us damn good reason to be paranoid and untrusting.
Thanks to three amazing women this post was hard to finish. I had written parts of it this morning then spoken to each of them who cheered me up beyond what I thought could be possible right now.
Now I should quit neglecting the room and get back there.