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Tonight needs to be a Jason night. I've got the perfect set up; Heineken, Ben Folds live CD, plenty of good stuff on the TiVo and myself, and just myself. I've had a shitty past few days and I don't really know why. I'm starting to think that I just enjoy wallowing in my own self pity sometimes, because I tend to do it quite often. Such as tonight. I have come to the realization that I have developed some pretty serious jealousy problems. I have turned into something I have never really been in the past, a jealous, controlling, and temper tantrum throwing boyfriend. I know how wonderful my girlfriend is, that I don't doubt, but for some reason, occasionally I find myself sabotaging my relationship. I take something that really isn't a big deal, like her talking to one of her guy friends on the phone, and blow it WAY out of proportion. I start thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts in my head, mainly that someone I don't like is getting attention from my girlfriend. Now I have my reasons for not liking a few of her guy friends. The two guy's she's closest with have admitted time and time again that they "love" her and each has their own current set of problems. One of them is on a mission, but still sends her letters with things like "I want to hold you in my arms forever" and "I could spend the rest of my life staring into your eyes" on a regular basis. I have freaked out about this in the past and she assures me they never went out, and she never has, nor never will have any desire too. I guess she can just see past the blatant come-on lines and still find a friendship in there, something I don't really understand, but I guess to each is own. Her other friend went behind her back and told her parents my real age (we had originally lied since I'm a little older than her and we didn't know how her parents would react to that) in what I consider to be a malicious manner. He has always liked her and told her over the phone before he told her parents that he "didn't approve of her dating someone my age". I get pissed off because who the fuck does this guy think he is saying he doesn't approve? I don't fucking care what you think asshole, so fuck off. Not to mention this is one of her ex-boyfriends. So my question is this... Am I in the wrong getting upset that she keeps in contact with these guys? She is definitely a "healer" and is one to give people a million chances, no matter how bad they screw up. Myself on the other hand, I am a fairly straight forward person, if you fuck me, you're done. That is unless you apologize in a way I feel is appropriate and make it up too me. I don't just automatically give people second chances. So I don't see how she can be such good friends with two guys that are basically doing everything in their power to take my spot. All of this, plus things that have happened in the past have all come together to give me my complex. I don't know what to do about it. 90% of the time our relationship is amazing, but there's the 10% that is nothing but self-inflicted pain and self loathing. How do I fix this? I've tried just ignoring it and trying to let it pass me by, but it just builds up to a boiling point. I don't understand it, this is unlike anything I have ever experienced in a relationship before... So in light of this... Tonight will be a Jason night, just me, myself, and I. |
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depressed.