Jason's Jazzy Journal

Subject:	Damn I Miss You
Time:	10:38 pm.
Mood:	optimistic.

I can't believe how much I miss my girlfriend. She's been gone now 4 days and I can't get her off of my mind. How is it that I have fallen so in love with someone I have known for such a short amount of time? It may be naive, but I think that it is the mark of true love, or if not true love at least real love. In most cases I don't think love starts out as a feeling that slowly and eventually grows into love. I think that love hits you like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere, with no way to stop it. At least that's my experience with it. I can honestly say I've only been in love with another girl one other time in my life. I think that I learned a lot from that relationship, but that it also gave me some insecurities [baggage] that I'm not proud of. I think most deep relationships will do that to you. When your in love with someone, all your emotional defenses are down, your vounerable and it's easy for someone you love to hurt you so bad that the scars never fade away, it happens all the time. I would say that is my number one fear in my current relationship. I have fallen so in love with this girl that it would be all too easy for her to send me into that downward spiral again. It scares me because I love being in love. There is nothing quite like the feeling you get when you truely love someone and they truely love you back. It's a feeling people would kill for, just to experience it again even for a day. I have loved and lost though, and it hurts, really, really bad. In the midst of the pain love almost doesn't seem worth it. The highest of highs that love can give, can easily turn into the lowest of lows. And it's been my [limited] experience that the more you love someone, the harder you will crash if the love is lost. Hence why I am so nervous about my current situaton. I'm not an idiot though, and I know that trying to keep a saftey net under the relationship will do nothing but damage it. I need to get over the fear of the end and plan as if there were none. I think I do a pretty good job of this already, but it is still a fear the comes into play fairly often. Especially when she's away.

The fact of the matter is these are things that go through everyones head when they first fall in love. When time is not on your side, it's easy to get scared. As time passes, you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light that means there is hope for the relationship, that she's not going to leave you and that you both feel the same way. I guess it all boils down to knowing what the other person really thinks. None of this would be a problem, if I knew exactly what was going through her head. Which now helps me realize that it's a trust issue. She's told me countelss times how she feels about me. She tells me multiple times a day how much she loves me. I just need to get over my fears and believe her.

*God I sound like a girl!

*not that that's a bad thing

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Subject:	This Sucks
Time:	8:47 pm.
Mood:	melancholy.

So my beloved girlfriend left for Fallbrook, California about a half hour ago. This brings on dark times for Jason. She will be in California for a little over a week attending her grandpas funeral. I hate when people leave. Not only am I jelous that she gets to be in one of my favorite places on earth for the next week (San Diego, CA), but she won't be here for New Years. Who am I supposed to kiss? I'll probably end up making out with my hand and calling it a night. Speaking of New Years now I don't know what I am going to do. I was originally supposed to work at Port O' Call, but since Mckell is underage, I got Russ to work for me and I was going to go out with Mckell and all of her friends. Now that she's gone, my plans are bust. I guess I still have friends somewhere out there, maybe I should go hang out with them. Why is it that when you get into a serious relationship your relationship with all of your friends deteriorates? It always happens, and I know it doesn't just happen to me. I guess it's because when you fall in love you get obsessive over the other person and don't want to be anywhere but with them. I know that's how I feel sometimes. Last night for example, a bunch of Mckells friends were going out and drinking. We thought it would be fun to go along, but then we decided that we just wanted to spend the night together and instead sat at my house, drank champagne, ate pizza and watched the third "Lord of the Rings" movie. Which is too long by the way. Anyway, we end up doing that a lot. Passing up group activities for eachother. I guess it's all good though, everyone does it. Well enough of me thinking out loud, I just felt like typing something since I already miss her. I guess I'll go do the one thing I would never think of doing around her for fear of total humiliation and go play Final Fantasy Online :).

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Subject:	Christmas
Time:	1:56 pm.
Mood:	happy.
Music:	Beastie Boys - Che Check It Out.

Well what isn't there to say? It's 2 days after Christmas, and here's the update. I'm extreamly stoked to say I got my iBook G4 for Christmas. Things ended up working out really well. The original plan was for my dad to pay $500 of an 12" iBook and I would pay the other $500. The plan ended up changing for the better when my grandpa decided to help me out and sent me enough money to cover my end. I then decided that I wanted to get the 14" iBook (which is $300 more than the 12") and I would just pay the difference. So, after Christmas I got my laptop, some tools and a few other little things and I was about $250 in the hole to my dad. Christmas Eve, my boss ended up calling me and telling me we had an extra iPod at work that I could have if I wanted it. I took the iPod from work and gave it too my dad to give to my little sister for Christmas, we decided we would call it even for the iPod so now I owe nothing on my $1,300 laptop! Schweet.

That was the family Christmas, now for Mckell's Christmas. For Christmas I got Mckell an iPod Mini (a pink one), a bottle of Pink perfume from Victorias Secret and a pink beenie. If you can't tell, the theme for Mckell's Christmas was pink. I made her a little card with a riddle on it. I came up with it myself and I though it was pretty clever. It was:

"The panther looked pretty in the dark side of the moon" I told her to solve the riddle and to figure out the theme of her Christmas. Get it? Pink Panther, Pretty in Pink and Pink Floyd's album "The Dark Side of the Moon". Well I thought it was pretty clever. She couldn't get it but eventually her sister did. She loved her presents and then I got to open mine. It was great. She got me a really nice shirt from American Eagle, a jacket from American Eagle, a really pretty picture frame with a few pictures of us and a really pretty poem. A blanket that has my initials on it with the phrase "Always Love You" across the bottom, and last but not least one of the ugliest sweaters I've ever seen that she got from the D.I. It was great. I had an awesome Christmas. Unfortunately though, yesterday, which was the day after Christmas, Mckell's grandfather died. Exactly a 2 months after he went to the hospital and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The doctors gave him about 12 weeks to live, so about 2 weeks after he was diagnosed, Mckells mom went to California and picked him up to bring him here, where she could take care of him as his condition got worse. About a week ago he started getting really sick. He got pnemonia, but because of his condition, he was too weak to cough. He started to get really sick on Christmas and Mckell's mom decided at that point to give him Morphine which would slow his breathing and relax him. They also knew there was a good chance if he became this relaxed he would die. Well yesterday, about an hour after they gave him his first dose of Morphine, he died. Mckell and I had left to go to CompUSA to pick up a few things for my family's new TiVo (my Christmas present to them) and go visit Nate who had just gotten back from Barcelona, Spain. After we went to CompUSA Mckell said she wanted to go home because she was tired and felt like she needed to be with her family. When we got home, her mom and dad were sitting in the kitchen with some guys in suites. Her mom told her that her grandpa had died while we were gone. Mckell took it really well. She cried on and off for about an hour and then we decided to watch Napolian Dynamite (one of my Christmas presents to their family) to cheer everyone up. We watched the movie and everyone seemed happy, laughing and smiling during the whole movie. After Napolian Dynamite Mckell and her sister wanted to watch the new Lord of the Rings movie (which is 4 hours!). I didn't want to watch it at first, but did. Mckell fell asleep half-way through the first disc, so that's all we watched. We're planning on finishing it tonight.

Anyway, all in all we both had a great Christmas. It's unfortunate that her grandfather died, but it was for the best. He was really sick and deteriorating fast. He had a peacful death and everyone took it well. My presents were great and we all had a lot of fun. Christmas 2004 kicked ass.

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Subject:	Johnny's Blessing
Time:	11:04 pm.
Mood:	happy.

Things have been fairly uneventful as of late, not much to report. I am stoked to be getting an Apple iBook for Christmas. I am so sick of Windows and PC's that I want to personally put a bullet in Bill Gate's head. I know I sound like a total computer nerd when I talk about stuff like this, but Jesus! Why is it that Apple's need no virus protection? Why is it that Apple's never crash? Why is it that the Apple laptops get 5x more battery life than a PC laptop? Why is this when Microsoft is the largest company in the world? You'd think they would be able to blow Apple away but instead of releasing a decent product, all they do is overcharge for shitty software which needs to be updated on a daily basis, which requires you to buy $50 anti-virus software and $50 for spyware blockers just to use the damn thing and then doesn't come with shit but an operating system and a million "demo's" for products which are nothing more than built in advertisements. Fuck that. I'll get a Mac.

As always McKell is awesome. I'm starting to spell her name Mckell without capitalizing the "K" since that's the way she does it, but it's hard to get used too. Today she started bringing me Christmas presents for the 12 days of Christmas. Today was the first day of Christmas and I got the Ugliest (uh... I mean Cutest) statue she could find. It's an indian, wearing a buffalo head dress, cross eyed and looking up to the sky. The indian head is coming out of some ghetto wood thing and there's miniature t-pees all around him. It's awesome. It's the kind of thing you'd expect to see painted on the side of a 1972 Chevy van parked out side of an Elementary school. I love this kind of thing though. Mckell definitely knows how to make me happy, and I love her to death. My biggest problem as of late has just been getting over my stupid insecurities of losing her. I fall more and more in love with her every day that passes, and sometimes I get scared that she's going to stop loving me. I think a lot of it comes from my relationship with Sarah and how it ended. Not that Sarah stopped loving me, but at the end of the whole thing I left with some baggage. Baggage unfortunately Mckell has to deal with. Thankfully she's doing an awesome job as always of taking care of me and making me feel better as soon as I talk to her. She really is amazing. I hope this lasts for a long time if not forever. I know it sounds sappy and naive, but I can't get her out of my head. She is different from any girl I have met before her. There's just something there. Something I can't describe that makes me feel as if she is the one. Of course we're only a few months into our relationship, but I don't see things changing. She's an unbelievable girl and I would be the luckiest man alive to get to spend my life with her.

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Subject:	No... YOU suck!
Time:	9:22 pm.

So I done gone and got myself written up at work this morning. The best part is I was getting written up for being late, on multiple occasions but the straw that broke the camels back was Monday when I slept through my alarm clock(s) and ended up being late to a morning show broadcast which caused the morning show to go on about 20 minutes late. The kicker is that I also slept through my alarm this morning, causing me to be late to my little write up appointment. How ironic! Anyway, it's no big deal, I've been written up before and truth is I deserved it. Now I have to be a good little Jason for 90 days... Oh well, maybe I should do my job.

So in regards to one of my last posts claiming my girlfriend to be so grand, here's the story. I knew last Monday was going to suck. I didn't get to bed until 2:30 AM and had to be up by 4:30 AM. As usual I was pissed off about Monday by about Saturday and so I bitched to McKell quite a bit over the weekend about how I'm not going to be looking forward to Monday. Well Monday came and sure enough it immediately started sucking ass. As I mentioned before, I woke up late, jumped out of bed in a panic and did about 100 mph to my remote, getting there about 20 minutes late. Then the equipment we were using to broadcast started malfunctioning. Needless to say, I was stressed. Well about 7AM who shows up but my girlfriend with doughnuts and Starbucks coffee. She knew I was going to have a bad day so she brought me breakfast and coffee and hung out with me for the first few hours of my remote. It was awesome and definitely turned my day from becoming horribly shitty to great. I know I sound sappy, but how can you not when you have such a sweet girlfriend? Answer me mother fucker! There, now I don't sound like a pussy....

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Subject:	Today
Time:	1:40 am.
Mood:	drained.
Music:	Chapelle Show on Comedy Central.

What a crazy ass day...

Today has been crazy, it started crazy and is ending that way. I woke up today by the grace of god on time, without my alarm ever going off. I had set my alarm for 7:30 AM, but somehow I woke up at about 7:40 AM never hearing my alarm clock. Not only did I not hear my alarm clock, but when I looked at it, it showed it was never set even though I clearly remember setting it the night before. Anyway, I get up and go to my buddies house where my work truck is. I start cleaning out the truck when some girl starts banging on the window. I get out and start talking to her husband who explains to me that he is my buddies roommates brother in law and that they were going to be leaving a car there and just wanted to let my buddie (who wasn't home) know so that he wouldn't wonder why there was a car he didn't recognize parked in his driveway. Anyway, while I'm talking to the dude, the girl is talking to my friends wife at the front door when she starts screaming bitch, fuck, etc... The door slams and she starts kicking the door. Eventually after a bunch of yelling, they hop in the car and take off. ???

Then I go to do a remote from 2-5 and when I get there the manager guy tells me that they close at 3 and that their agency must have screwed up the times. Anyway, I only had to be there an hour so that was cool. Instead I got to go visit McKell at work for awhile.

McKell was having her family dinner for her birthday that night, I wasn't going to go because I had work, but for some weird reason my friend that couldn't help me out ended up being able to help so I went with McKell and her family to Buca di Bepo for dinner. It was fun.

Now for the big part. So I'm driving my friends work truck (the Eagle truck) down to the Everclear show after picking up Dustin. A few blocks from his house I went over a dip and heard a weird sound. Then I noticed the trailer was moving all over the place, so I pulled over and found out that the entire trailer had become un-hitched from the truck and was dragging along the ground. Luckily the safety chains did their job and kept the trailer from just rolling into the back of the truck, or someone's house. It took us about an hour and a half to figure out how to get the trailer hitched back onto the truck since somehow the crank that lifts the trailer had broken in the process and the trailer weighed too much to lift. We finally figured out a way but the trailer still wouldn't sit on the ball right, so we drove at about 2 mph back to Dustin's and dropped the trailer off at his house, and there it remains. Unfortunately this prevented us from getting to the Everclear show so I missed it. I'm pretty bummed, but oh well. Instead Dustin and I went to Brewvies and had a glass of beer and some nachos.

The last thing that happened today is McKell called and was acting really sad, she kept insisting she was just sick, but I think something else was up also, but I couldn't get her to tell me. Either way, she's not feeling good and that's how our conversation ended, so now I'm not feeling great. I hope she feels better tomorrow, there's nothing I hate more than when she's hurting and I feel helpless to do anything about it.

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Subject:	I Don't Like This Feeling
Time:	2:32 am.

Argh I'm frustrated. I guess I should be frustrated at myself more than others, but I still can't help but be frustrated in general. I realize what my problem is. I get too focused on relationships and never want to hear anything but the good stuff. I don't want to hear talk of "when we break up" or "if we break up". Instead I'd rather dream of what will be "when we get married" or "when we're older". I know it sounds childish and unrealistic, but it's not in my head. It's not like I am planning on marrying any time soon, nor that I plan to marry anyone in particular right now, it's just the fact that I don't like to even talk of the end when there isn't one in sight and things are going so well. I don't know why I'm trying to mask what this is about, nor why I'm masking who it's about, it's obvious this is something McKell and I were talking about.

Basically McKell has a much more rational view than myself, and she likes to look at things realistically. She never comes straight out and says "when we break up..." although she did a long time ago, but she never talks about "when we get older..." either. Instead she takes the middle road, explaining that we don't know if we'll be together or not so she keeps it realistic. The problem is she likes to talk about different situations, for instance tonight we were talking about what would happen if she got pregnant tomorrow. My stance was that I would probably want to keep it and do everything in our power to work things out between the two of us, and aim for the eventual marriage and the happy family scenario. Her stance was that she would put it up for adoption, regardless of how I felt. She didn't feel that with the pressure of a baby on our relationship it would work in the long run. Also that we were both young and just could not provide for a child like a prepared and ready adoption family could. I do agree with her that we may not be as prepared, but I don't think that would prevent us from being good parents and providing for a child. It would be hard, and definitely trying, but I feel confident in myself that I could do it. Either way, I don't want to hear the realistic version. I'm in love, I want to hear the love drenched best case scenario version, the version in which we get married, work it through and live happily ever after as a family. Sure that's a stretch, and most people can't pull it off, but why not us? We're above all that aren't we? We can make it through anything together can't we? Well in my head we can, but maybe realistically we couldn't. The bitch of it is that realistically we're probably not going to work in the long run. There's a big age gap, I can't tell you how much I've changed since I was 18, I'm a completely different person in a lot of aspects. So that worries me. Also, I plan on going to school in New Mexico this fall, McKells planning on going to Southern Utah University, long distance relationships rarely work. Last but not least is we have slightly different religious views. Although we're the same in most aspects morally, she's LDS, and I'm not. Eventually her faith will come into play, if she decides to embrace it, we're doomed. The LDS religion believes marriage in a LDS Temple is the only way to be "officially" married. I never have, nor never will be Temple material. So if she one day decides to embrace her religion, as she's done in the past, we're through.

So kill me if I like to be optimistic, the truth is rarely as wonderful and exciting as our dreams. If we never dream, we will never have anything to live for. Sometimes our dreams are the only things that can get us through.

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Subject:	Tonight, Tonight
Time:	6:09 pm.
Mood:	excited.
Music:	Weird Al Yankovic - You Don't Love Me Anymore.

Tonight I'm taking McKell out to The Roof restaurant for her birthday. Technically her birthday is this Sunday, but since her family is celebrating her birthday Sunday and we have Green Day Saturday that leaves only tonight to take her out to a nice dinner. This "The Roof" place ranked #2 on CitySearch's top 10 most romantic restaurants in SLC so hopefully it's a pretty nice place. I don't know what we're doing afterwards, but I'd like to do something fun... We'll see, I've been really bad at coming up with ideas of stuff to do ever since the cold weather set in. I'm great at thinking of things in the summer, but winter makes things 10x harder since everything has to be done indoors.

As for Green Day tomorrow, I couldn't be more stoked for the show. Not only do we have bitching seats (and G.A. tickets if we want them) but we get to do some party with Green Day in the green room thing that sounds pretty cool. I assume we get to go into the catering area and eat with the band, or something like that. Either way I get to meet Green Day tomorrow. I've met a lot of rock stars in the past and the last time I remember being this excited to see a band was Zwan since I got to meet Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberland from the Pumpkins. Anyway, tomorrow will kick ass, I'm sure I'll give a full report afterwards...

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Subject:	Jerry Springer Rules
Time:	3:03 pm.
Mood:	amused.

A short and solem moment of reflection, for my favorite TV show... Jerry Springer:

Do you know what I just saw? I just saw a 470 pound fat ass guy take off his shirt, pants and underwear and dance on a pole after telling his wife that he had been cheating on her for 4 years during every single one of her pregnancies. He then told her that he didn't care about her or their kids and that he was going to leave her for a prostitute he met a few weeks ago since she is pregnant again. After he told her this, his wife attacked him and managed to rip off his shirt. This was when the entire crowd began to chant for him to take off his pants, then after he did that, to dance on the pole. Beautiful!

The other thing I love about Jerry Springer is how it can go from a talk show, to a drunken frat party during the Q&A portion of the show. Most of the guys in the audience end up calling on the guests of the show, sometimes charging the stage after the mic is taken away from them only to be stopped by Steve. While the girls just ask for their "Jerry beads" and show their tits. This goes on for about 5 minutes until it's time to get serious and listen to Jerry's Final Thought. The Final Thought is an obvious attempt to give the show a sliver of credibility, but fails miserably. I think I can speak for almost everyone when I say the channel changes when they go to commercials before the final thought.

Either way, when I want midget incestual love affairs, or white trash family love triangles, it's nice to know I have a place to go. A special place where we're not judged by our race, sex or social status, we're only judged by whether we do what the crowd chants and either "kick his ass" or "take it off"... Words to live by.

Thank You... Jerry Springer!

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Subject:	Love Hurts
Time:	12:17 am.
Mood:	drained.

God damn love is a funny thing. I have one of the most wonderful relationships I've ever been in, yet it can also be one of the most painful. The fact of the matter is that I am dwelling on things that happened in the past, and I'm letting them affect our current relationship. McKell made some big mistakes early on in our relationship, and she admits to them. She was dishonest to someone that values honesty higher than most anything else in a relationship. It nearly cost us everything, but she re-paid me. She did an amazing job of proving how much she cares for me, and reminds me of it every day. Yet I still let the past affect me. Why? I don't understand why I sometimes sabotage something so wonderful. When I do slip into this state of mind, I hurt what is so dear to me. I make McKell feel as if as hard as she is trying to prove herself to me, she's failing. I make her feel as though she still owes me for things she has re-paid me for 1,000 times over. She can only be pushed so far. Not only do I hurt McKell, but I hurt myself by resurfacing all the emotion that I felt when everything came crumbling down. A feeling I never want to feel again. So why do I do this?

The fact is I need to stop. Digging up these old bones will do nothing but anchor our rising relationship. I need to focus on how I truly do feel; loved, adored and blessed. Not how I felt before I was given the opportunity to truly be with one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I will stop sabotaging the wonderfully amazing thing we have together and focus on how beautiful true love can be.

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