||.: Craig David .:. Rise & Fall :.
I’ll be the first to admit people make mistakes.
I will, honestly. Because God knows that I’ve made mistakes in the past. From forgetting the words to my own songs to saying the wrong things in interviews, all the way up to flirting when I damn well knew I had a girl for me at home. But some mistakes take longer to get over. Which is why I’m single.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love her. She’s the cutest dork you’ll ever see. Who else would sit and watch Lakers games with me, munching on Cap’n’Crunch and hanging out in our pajamas? Someone who genuinely cares about me, Justin, and not “Justin”? We have so much history together, everything seems to remind me of her...so I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. Hoping she’s alright. Hoping that the shit with Colin or Fred or Jerid - or whoever the tabloids have her linked to this week - isn’t effecting her. If I could just get past... what happened in our past... then we could continue with our fairytale. But I just can’t let it go. Not yet.
Last year, when Britney and I broke up.. everyone pointed fingers at me. It was my fault, I had cheated, blah-blah-blah. Because I was the male. I couldn’t possibly be hurt. Well, that was as far from the truth as you could get. And the worst part was... I found out from the other guy. Awhile after it had happened too. And I wanted to be with her. We tried to work things out. But every time I kissed her, I could only see the two of them in an entangled embrace. And it made me sick. I’d given her everything. And she’d thrown it all away. And now I have issues. All kinds of issues. Jealousy, commitment, trust.
It ended sort of ambiguous. Not like in movies. There was no real closure. No goodbye kiss after a dramatic fight. It was just a phone call. I mean, I know it's shady to do it over the phone, and I got a lot of shit for that. I have said some things I shouldn’t have. But that’s what happens when your temper flares. I can’t deny that I still love her. We were together for years and years. It’s obvious to me now. But being in love with someone, and being with someone in a stable relationship someone, are two different things. So I walked away. Moving on in my life. Or trying to.
When you suffer a broken heart, you seek refuge somewhere. And that statement is so true. Probably one of the more intelligent things I’ve said in interviews regarding the break-up. So where do I seek comfort? Heh. Well, I’ve smoked a few times. And not cigarettes. Getting drunk every night with my friends seems like a good option, too. I learned pretty quick how much my body could handle without getting sick. Beer seems to be the answer to a lot of things, and discovering sweet-tasting shots is always a fun game. My best friend Trace is always ready to party and willing to help me get fucked up. He knows how I’m feeling - he gave a promise ring to Jen, and she screwed him over.
The most obvious way to subside the pain is to change love into lust. Let myself go. I still get that feedback I crave - the feelings, the connection, the whole physical pleasure. The attention and affection that I seem to have to have. Without the real emotion tied to it. Raw sex. I’ve had my share of flings since, and being single has it‘s benefits. Going to clubs, being able to act on any attraction whenever I want. But then there’s the part of me that wishes I was still with her, the one I could talk to, the one that I know loved me for who I was, and not for the money and fame and press-coverage. It still hurts, though... the things that happened between us. Maybe breaking up wasn’t the right thing to do.
Meanwhile, I’ve been drowning out my sorrows by spending time with another former Mousketeer, my closest female friend, "Xtina" herself. Drinking. Partying. “Living it Up”, as they call it. Heh. Rumors about us are flying around. It’s entertaining, really, to read some of the junk they feed to anyone willing to listen. But there’s no doubt she’s beautiful, and I’m attracted to her spunk and wild-side. She’s so different than any other girl I know, which makes her uplifting to be around. Our joint-tour this past summer has been a blast, and I'm disappointed it is going to be over so soon. We had a good time together.
It’s easier to block out emotions. Keep them inside. Over the past year, I’ve learned this pretty well. To come off as a cocky, happy-go-lucky, nympho, nothing-phases-me guy is much easier. It means I don’t have to deal with pain. I’ve got my refuge. Some may call it living a lie, but I think of it more as dealing. I need to move on, but for some reason, it’s really hard to. I think I need another beer.
I’m keeping my options open... because a part of me is scared to connect on that sort of level with her again. And another part of me enjoys having the freedom of casual relationships. Jenna, Janet, Alyssa, and the most recent girl - Cameron. But more about her later. I've decided to stick with the life of a bachelor for now. Take things slow, be careful about falling too fast and too hard. I mean, I'm only 22!