And I used to be such a nice person.'s journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile

Wednesday, April 5th, 2006
The shows wen't very well. Well except for opening night with Waiting for Death where we all kinda stumbled through -- mess ahoy.
But the end result was overwhelmingly promising.
I have a job offer, back with my old boss at his new property, better pay? Maybe. Better environment? They say definetly.
I'm skeptical. Will see in the near future.

In class I've been a lazy bum. Mostly because I am not motivated at all. I've been ill for a long time and I've been frequently severly depressed. I can't sleep at night. I can't eat regularly. I hate myself. I hate the world. I want so desperately to destroy something.
I've spent over twenty years alive. I feel like every second has been a waste. I push everyone away, I make enemies every second and I don't even live up to a fraction of my potential. I told Evie these were feelings everyone has at some point. But I've had them for so long.
I really think I have some form of major depression. I'm not even dissapointed in myself most of the time. I just kind of throw myself at the mercy of the world.

I spent a lot of time with Rose.
Relatively anyway.
I feel. I feel like it all melts away with her. Usually you can find me somewhere between the shadows and the cobwebs of society but around her ... yeah. But she belongs to another world. I could never make her happy. And when I saw her with that guy today I realized that not only were me and her a terrible match ... but she's beyond me.
In my head are flashes of her teeth -- with the couple of teeth that are kind of out of line -- and that one little birthmark by her left ear, the blush she gets when it's cold, the way her brown eyes seem to flow, they look so deep, so dark, so comforting.
It hurts to be like this all the time.
I know it's all a sham, it's all not as bad as I make it seem. But I can't help feel like this.
I love her. I really do.
Rose is beauty, beauty Rose.
Maybe I play the victim. But it's happened so many times. I get close. I can peek at some sort of happiness. It's nice to have someone there for you. It's nice for someone to want you as much as you want them. It's nice to feel like no matter what you have someone there.
The world feels heavy to me.

Today I found myself cursing the God I don't believe in.
I was enraged. I was like a ball of fire. I hated everything. I hated Rose even. Though that feeling gave way to a wave of depression. Rose. I'm sure there'll be another, and another, and another. It'll just be me trying to find the her I lost long ago. I know where it all leads back to. I know what started it all, but she's been long gone and I don't see any return to those summers and falls.
Not like I would want to anymore. She was a real bitch when I look at it.

Rose. I really wanted it to work. She could make me happy. I'd do everything to make her happy. I still have dreams about her. We're together. We're happy.
I hate waking up.
I hate having to.

No joke. I don't know why I breathe anymore.

current mood: sad
current music: "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls

(comment on this)

<< previous day [calendar] next day >>

> top of page