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Thursday, September 4th, 2008
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9:53 am - hmm
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well, i just started my junior year at purchase college. i'm kind of a wreck and i don't know why. i live in an apartment on campus with three other girls now, one with whom i share a room with. they are nice, beautiful girls. maeve and hallie i hung out with all last year, and christine, my actual roomate, is very sweet and chill. i don't have much to complain about. i've been smoking more than i should, but it gives me an excuse to socialize. although it seems that i have plenty of friends, i am still the silent girl at the party. sometimes it is absolutely crippling. sometimes, its fine and i get drunk and happy just like anyone else. but in all honesty, i don't want to have this lifestyle anymore. last year, orin and i were essentially living together and every day was so bright and beautiful.. on sunday mornings we would listen to reggae and hang out in our bathrobes for hours, and every night i knew i had someone to come home to. now we both have roomates and these things are not possible, at least not in the same way, and it just seems like we are taking a step back although i know it is just circumstantial.
yesterday was spent crying during a slow day at work, with no tissues so i had to use my hands to clear my face when people came in, and my eyes were so red and puffy at the end that i found it impossible to go back to the apartment and face everyone. i don't like having no privacy. i don't even know why i was so upset. i was just feeling pathetic and socially awkward and had convinced myself of every terrible thing i am.. and from there it just got worse. orin is a senior this year which means he will graduate a year before me, and all the friends i have made will be gone too. what will i do? i depend on him so much. it is out of love, but i know that getting into a relationship right away in college probably kept me from branching out.
he's so sweet and understanding. he took me from the apartment and we sat on the grass by the woods, getting bit by bugs and i told him everything i was afraid about and tried to rationalize my horrible emotional outbursts. he loves me so much, and i know that if he didn't, he wouldn't be patient enough to deal with these kinds of things. i'm a very lucky girl. but still, there is such a stigma in college against loners. i am not a loner but sometimes i just want to be alone, i am not a 24/7 party person and i never will be. sometimes i just can't wait until we both graduate and orin and i can get a tiny apartment and live free from the schedules of others. i know this is what we both want. creating a future without him seems impossible, although i know i could do it if i had to.
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| Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
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10:34 am - wow
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I haven't updated this in a hella long time. What has been going on in my life? I worked full-time, second shift at Walmart all summer building and dismantling shelves, moving merchandise, doing mods, cleaning, bitch work. It was upsetting to be a corporate slave but I made a lot of money. Orin visited me for two weeks during the summer and I went back with him to Staten Island to visit his family for a few days. If anything, over the summer we had grown closer than ever before, and now we are basically inseperable. I'm in my second year of college now. I have a busy schedule and have to get up quite early most mornings. I still work at the library. I'm taking four classes, The Beat Generation, Classical Buddhist Philosphy, Into to Psychology, and Gender and Power. I am heavily involved in Amnesty International this year, I am the secretary actually, and have been making more friends because of that. It makes me feel good to be involved in something that really makes a difference. I enjoy having a full schedule. When I'm not working, or in class, or whatever, I am usually with Orin. We've been together for almost a year (on October 8) now and I love him so much. Every moment seems to get better. I have a new roomate, Olivia, who is very nice but a little peculiar. Her mom is a gypsy and shit herself and then took a shower in our bathroom one day. It is autumn. It is getting colder. All I want to do most days is snuggle in bed with Orin. I am still close with Ren and Andrew. I am trying to remain close with my friends from home. Laura and Katie will always be there for me, I know. Ainsley and I are growing apart, mostly because she disapproves of some of my lifestyle choices. Krystal is now dating Mike. I think that's the worst idea I've ever heard and it upsets me that she could date someone who treated her best friend (and her!) so completely reprehensibly and not even tell me about it. Unfortunately I think this may halt our friendship, not in any dramatic way, just because our lives are clearly taking very different paths, and I don't really want to be involved in anything involving Mike or the kind of lifestyle he lives anymore. I am trying to stay healthy and active though I sometimes fail. I still smoke a lot of pot. I'm still shy but I'm getting better. This year will be okay I think.
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| Monday, May 7th, 2007
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9:34 am - dream
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i had a weird dream last night.
what happened was i ran into mike at some sort of gathering.
and, apparantly we had had a child- a little girl named hope. i guess i had given birth to her right before i went to college, but we decided to let mike take care of her so i could go to college.
i was off for summer- and i wanted to keep her for the summer. i was in my living room talking to ashlee and mama about it. ashlee said to watch out, she didn't want me hanging around mike. but i said that i had to, how else could i see my daughter? and when i asked mama if i should keep hope over the summer, she said "well, i know you always keep your promises."
meanwhile, mike had been raising hope with his new girlfriend dawn. orin wasn't around to help me raise hope because he was home for summer too. anyway, i didn't like the way mike and dawn raised hope. they gave her crappy food, watched nascar with her and stuff. but i don't think he was neglecting her or anything. i think that he grew up a lot. so i tried my hardest to teach hope good habits, but it was hard. i loved her, fed her fruit and sat with her in the garden. of course, this meant i couldn't really work over the summer.
in the same night, i don't know if it was before or after the dream about hope, i dreamed i went to india with mama. i really liked it. there was some kind of crazy fight between an elephant and... some other kind of animal, im not sure what it was. but then we got chased by a herd of elephants. which we weren't too scared about. but mama had to go home and wouldn't take me because she didn't want to pay for my plane ticket. i was too scared to try to go home alone, arrange a flight and all that- especially because i didn't know the language. i was really terrified to try to get out of this country independantly. so i called ashlee, told her "i'm in india and i don't have a way to get out. could you please pick me up?" she was understandably annoyed, and said, maybe, but i would have to bring scott with me.
then i woke up because the fucking guy was mowing the lawn directly by my window right by my head.
the way i see it, is in my future, i see a struggle between wanting to settle down, having children, having security, and doing things i always wanted to do, like traveling, but that being scary because i am so dependant on other people. i wonder what the better course of action is because i really want to do both.
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| Saturday, April 28th, 2007
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3:32 pm - shrooms
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i did shrooms last night with andrew while orin "babysat". it was amazing.
i ate them and they didn't taste bad. i felt really naseous and dizzy for a while, but then we went out into the forest and everything got really cool. we lay down in the mud and looked at the river. it didn't look like water, but more like gasoline rainbows, kinda marbleized. and then i lay down and looked at the sky (it was crazy foggy) and the trees were all wiggly and moving, it was nuts. we walked through the skunk cabbage, looked at puddles (which seemd to have a million components to them) the air and ground breathed with me. andrew puked into the river. the forest was linked with strings, it was some project that a kid did, music in nature, and the strings were tied in all the trees and made a low bass sound when you plucked them. so then i saw strings everywhere and was obsessed with "string theory". after staying in the forest for a long time, we walked through alumni village, and there were colored lights and in the fog, it looked like there were sunsets everywhere. all the patterns were moving, colors were beautiful, and i felt extremely euphoric, i would just laugh and then cry a little and my nose ran like crazy. i really felt connected to nature, as much as a cliche as it is.
we went back to my room, i just got really happy. casandra came in and i hugged her and told her what a good roomate she was. and i couldn't stop hugging and kissing orin. even though he occasionally fucked with me by making weird ass faces and stuff. orin looked at pictures on my computer of me and my friends and my heart was just so touched. everything was significant and full of love. but then i was having a strange sort of existential dilemma, i picked up a thing of multi grain cheerios and i couldn't move myself to eat them or put it down, it was a symbol of my indecision. and i felt like i realized a million important things.
it was a really good experience. on the other hand, i can see how a bad trip would be really fucking scary.
i went to bed with orin, couldn't go to sleep because i was still tripping a little bit. and stephen was playing a violent video game loudly, and they kept going, "uhhhh! graaahhhh!" and my stomach was killing me. but it was so nice to sleep in his arms. i woke up with a killer headache.
anyway even writing this i can tell it sounds stupid but these things were really great and important at the time. i would do them again.
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| Friday, August 25th, 2006
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9:07 pm - wow..
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i'm leaving tommorow..
when i woke up yesterday andy was here. we caught up. we talked. i copied ray's pictures and for this he gave me a quite substantial amount of weed. smoked with andy, ashlee came over, smoked with her. went to mary's party, smoked a few bowls in this old empty field with scott, krystal, and ingram, smoked with ashlee in her car.
katie and laura slept over, all in each other's arms. cried. katie fell asleep. laura and i went out at 1 am and decided we needed to swing on the swings of our elementary school playground. cops came. we ran, hand in hand. they caught us. laura sweet talked her way out of a confrontation. god, i miss eluding cops with her. she could make me do anything running and laughing.
laura actually smoked, she smoked with me on the hammock, like we used to so long ago, it was so wonderful, i love her and miss her, she amazes me. we had the best time just talking, laying together and talking, on the hammock, then inside, and how we make each other so insane, i gave her an egg to hold in the kitchen and she held it and i explained to her the amniotic conceptual lifeform it is, we boggle each other, and we fell asleep holding each other, woke up with the hard rain like we used to, holding each other, hungover, and she bought me breakfast, helped me pack, it was all so tragic. i really think she's my soul mate sometimes. we made brownies. and ate them, and she had to leave, and we held each other for a half hour and just cried.
im going to miss everyone so much..
my room looks empty..
i don't know if i can do this..
current mood:  sad
current music: waiting for my ruka-- sublime
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| Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
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11:49 pm - whew
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today was.. definitive?
papa and cat took me out to dinner at this lovely japanese restraunt.. it was fantastic.. i had vegetable tempura ohhhhh.. and fried green tea ice cream. damn.
then katie laura ainsley and sarah came over.. ate candy and cuddled.. ainsley and i had a tearful goodbye. i gave her the half-empty bottle of jameson whiskey on my bureau and taped a picture of my face on it and gave her it to remember me by.. it was sweet and creepy..
god i'm going to miss them all so much. for some people it isn't really goodbye, but for others, sadly, i think it may be..
but laura and katie are going to drive up to see me on monday. ill probably cry all over them
current music: patty-- half japanese
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| Saturday, August 19th, 2006
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4:09 pm - le sigh
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i'm bored.
i'm lonely.
i want hugs.
i want someone to share a joint with.
i want for someone to sit on the closed toliet bowl and talk to me while i take a bath.
i'm bored.
i'm lonely.
current mood: bored. lonely.
current music: lets go get stoned-- sublime
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| Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
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11:01 pm - um
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last few days have been strange.
yesterday laura and i made an absurdly complicated black forest cake, then krystal scott and katie came over and we all had a fine candlelit dinner of fettucini alfredo, tomato salad, and red wine.
the girls stayed over- we had a small ceremony, we gathered all the empty alcohol bottles from my room (there was about half of a garage bag full, about a third of them bukoff), tried to conjure a story from each of them, and deposited them in the dumpster by the high school at exactly midnight.
then we walked up to prospect, and lay in the wet field and looked at the stars for quite a long time.
the next day we all went to the beach in rhode island. i forgot to put suntan lotion on and became golden brown, and by golden brown i mean bright red. but it was nice, and relaxing, and laying down flat after being within the waves is a phenomenon i will always fully appreciate.
and when i got home, the small independant zine in which two of poems are published arrived! and it made me really happy!!!! because it was the first time any of my poems were printed except when i was ten and wrote that dumb seasons poem that got into the highlights magazine and then two newspapers wrote stories about me and took pictures of my dumb fat ten year old purple wearing self.
i was washing dishes and mike came over. i fail at not having sex with mike. i served him a piece of the cake, gave him a prolonged back rub, and then we had hours of insane, ridiculous and highly creative sex of a quality of which i did not know either of us were capable of. i don't feel bad about it yet. there is really no way to rationalize it. i try to tell myself that i am using him because i am lonely, and he is using me because he is horny, but that is no reason to have sex anyway. oh well. whatever. i'm not going to think about it right now.
i wish he wouldn't say things like he loves me and can't believe his best friend (me??!) is going to be leaving him soon. I don't know whether to immediately dismiss everything he says as bullshit, feel bad for not believing him and telling him not to say such things because he is actually telling the truth, or just realize that he is confused. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
current mood:  drained
current music: beautiful girl-- the gadjits
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| Monday, August 14th, 2006
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7:40 pm - woodland adventure?
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i had a woodland adventure today.. it was spectacular and insanely diffcult.. my feet are quite cut up. but it was nice and satisfying, after trudging through the raw thorny pathless forest for miles, we found a hidden beach, with cool sparkling water, and dragonflies, and we put our feet in the river and smoked a joint together, since it is tess' last day here and she is moving to pittsburgh tommorow morning and i'll have the house to myself for three consecutive days. yay.
new college schedule:
culture and society in the west, monday and thursday, 2:30-4:10 PM
freshmen seminar- wednesday- 3:00-4:20 PM
history of philosophy I: polis 1000- 321 BC.- tuesday and friday-10:30-12:10 AM
philosophy of religion- tuesday and friday- 12:30 AM-2:10 PM
photography for non majors- tuesday- 7:00- 9:50 PM
nice except tuesdays are rather busy.
i don't know, seeing my schedule like this makes it a little more exciting, just because i feel like it will be really drastically different from high school which is awesome. of course i'm worried and nervous. but i'm feeling better about my roomate, maybe we don't have much in common but it's too early to know, and she's been really nice to me.
a change is neccesary anyway.
current mood: burnt out
current music: bob marley-- no woman no cry
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| Saturday, August 12th, 2006
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11:04 pm - today
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today was so-so
went to roraback with ash and tim, sat in the shade under the bridge with the water all rushing by. and smoked a few bowls. tim dropped the bowl in the water, took it out and continued smoking from it. three of us went back to ash's, smoked and talked a little. it was a fairly alienating experience though i can't say why.
then i hung out with my mom and watched "the drug years" on vh1 and she told me about her LSD days and it was a little awkward. then ainsley came over. we laughed and talked and took pictures. but then i was looking at all the pictures and i looked so happy and hideous and it bummed me out.
i don't want to go to college i changed my mind.
also im terrified of wednesday mike is coming over. he's expecting things. i kinda feel like giving him a boner and then chopping his dick off actually. too bad a small part of me still melts when i see him or hear his voice.
so, every once in a while i get the overwhelming urge for him (or anyone else, for that matter) to fuck me and slap me really hard in the face simultaneously, the kind of hard pain that instantly triggers tears, i think it would be awesome, i'm really sick and i don't know why i want these things. bruises would be good, too. i want to be covered in bruises and look at myself naked in the mirror and weep. secretly i wish mike was abusive and i wish that he would have channeled his anger onto me when we were dating, secretly it bothered me that he never layed a hand on me, god i'm sick. that's disgusting. i don't know what's wrong with me. i should not think like that. women are humiliated and destroyed by real abusive relationships all the time, and it's horrible and wrong, and it's a real problem that lots and lots of people have, and it can break a person. but the concept just turns me on. sick sick sick.
current mood: ugly
current music: tangled up in blue-- bob dyaln
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| Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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10:42 pm - fucking christ
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im not feeling very good about my ability to judge sincerity-
i talked to krystal, laura, and katie about my situation with mike.
the consensus was that mike is very good at mind games
i always knew he was good at manipulating people and - clearly he's manipulating me now, which is semi-acceptable, but i guess i just have trouble understanding how one can lie to another person a whole year- i hate to justify all those acts that i considered so wonderful and caring i loving as ways to alleviate lonliness, or, worse, boredom, but i guess that's the way it was.
how could i have given myself to him so wholly? i really loved him- a part of me still does
and i always considered myself someone who was generally skeptical of people-
but here's this guy, who treats me like shit, and i still sleep with him to make him feel better about himself- and make myself feel better about myself. except it makes me feel worse about myself.
but he's a jerk, when i think about the way he has treated not only me, but everyone, all of his friends, it makes me sick to think i was so in love with him
he's fucking with me and he's always fucked with me.
why do i let myself get fucked with?
he does terrible things to people
also, i don't think this sets a very good example for what my future relationships will be like.
not that i am being abused, but that i am well aware that i am being used and im letting it happen.
course i didnt know it then- i dont know. it bothers me so much that i still want to stroke his ego, tell him how great he is, give him what he wants, because that's exactly what he's asking for.
and that's what he's getting.
and the reward for him repeatedly breaking my heart is that he gets to sleep with me when he's particularly desperate.
regardless that i know all these things, i think he's going to come over next wednesday. i would like to just talk to him like a human being, maybe tell him what a dick he is, maybe not. but the second i see him, i forget these things and i just want him. its a bad situation. i dont know what to do
current mood:  frustrated
current music: yellow ledbetter-- pearl jam
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| Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
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12:43 am - blah
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i'm cheap.
i thought all relations with mike were over, but i don't think so anymore.
i had given up and assumed we would never speak again after i had called him twice in a two week period and he didn't answer.
but then he talked to me online and he said, sorry i didn't answer your calls but i still want to fuck you.
and i accepted that??????
when did i turn into this girl?
if i am over him, why can't i say no to him? actually, why don't i WANT to say no to him?
if i KNOW i am being used, why doesn't this bother me???
jesus christ grow a fucking spine
i must not have any respect for myself, because i have absolutely no intention to stop.
at least i know college will stop it
current mood: frustrated
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| Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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1:30 am
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today was nice despite the ridiculous heat.
hung out with laura and shannon. after we dropped shannon off, me and laura went to cumby's for slurpies and cosmic brownies, then went to baldwin park, laid out her sleeping bag and stared at the stars. driving through the streets at 1 am in summer there is a very distinct smell, of distant flowers, of warm rushing air, of something vaguely impatient.
then the police came. what kind of shitty ass world do we live in where it's illegal to lie down in the park at night and look at the stars?
so we went to my backyard instead
god i'm going to miss her
current mood:  calm
current music: tangled up in blue-- bob dylan
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| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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7:27 pm - roomie
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my future college roomate just called.
her names cassandra. she seems nice. nice but peppy.
we have the exact same schedule so hopefully we get along!
she paints and photographs... she plays softball.. she's blonde and thin and pretty.. likes shows and parties.. she seems really friendly so that's cool.. i just hope she's not uber-peppy.. although i guess i could deal with that.
i think we'll get along. i guess we're going to hang out before we move in..
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11:40 am - wow
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so i failed my driver's test.
not by a small margin either.
not because the instructor was a dick, not because i was nervous, just because i'm a bad driver.
what a fucking idiot.
i had to keep myself from crying in the dmv.
who does that?!
probably i should just blow it off and say maybe in six months, but my immediate instinct is to find an appropriate way to punish myself. not much has changed
god i would hate to be the parent of a lazy unemployed eighteen year old who cant drive
sometimes i wonder why they aren't more ashamed of me
i vaguely want to tell mike that i failed so he can tell me how much of a lazy boring failure i am. then i would feel ok about thinking these things about myself. he wouldn't answer the phone probably
current mood: disappointed
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| Friday, July 28th, 2006
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10:30 pm - woah
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driver's test on tuesday, woah, how'd that happen?
i hope i pass.
cross your fingers.
also dave matthews band concert tommorow night. how'd that happen? i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that i am a stereotype, ie a college student from connecticut who goes to dave matthews band concerts.
sigh. sometimes you just can't fight it.
ashlee and I spent the day rolling joints together on my low bed for tommorow's occasion. then i bought sweaters for the brutal new york winters i will soon face.
anyway. i don't talk to mike as much. we see each other perhaps once a week, with no phone calls im between. good thing. i go to his apartment, we watch a movie, have sex and then he drives me home. it's not alltogether bad. i find it impossible to believe i was in a relationship with him for so long. honestly, this way makes sense to me, for this point in my life.
he wants me to sleep over, spend the night. i'm not sure if i can. as tempting as it sounds, i fear it could border on an emotional connection. as milan kundera said, "making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two seperate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends toan infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman)."
i would like to rid myself of any love i have for him. i don't think i could bear his body pressed against mine all night. it might make me fall in love with him again. if he wants to fuck me, that's fine. but i want him to drive me home after. is that too much to ask?
current mood:  curious
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| Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
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11:26 pm - things i miss
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i miss mike lamarre. i miss how happy i was to have a fleeting hug from him, just the right amount of sweat, before he went crazy and made bombs in his basement and stole from his best friends.
i miss steve. i miss his angularity, the chain-smoking, the nicknames he had for strangers, the long conversations about tea and old hungary, before he started doing coke and not having sex and scowling at everything.
i miss the old laura, who swore she could outdrink me and then hugged the toliet all night, who would lay her head on my stomach as we talked about all the adventures we would have. i miss the bits of weed stuck in her long slender fingernails, before she realized she was pretty and sober and could get any guy she wants, then throw him away.
i miss andy tonn, how we all used to make him uncomfortable. i miss the old band. i miss julia, her drumming, her easy smile. i miss krystal's cautious bass solos. i miss sitting on the amps and talking about how good we would be someday.
i miss getting drunk in the cemetary, i miss when everyone was friends and was in love with each other.
i miss head, my guru, when she was happy.
i miss jamie, the cheek-kisses he gave to everyone, when he used to teach me songs on the guitar, then got sidetracked, talked fast, before he was an orphan, before he did heroin. sometimes i hear people say that they see him on the streets begging for food. it breaks my heart. it absolutely breaks my heart.
i miss tim, how he used to call me and mike deer-and-wolf, the crazy woods adventures, railroad tunnels and such, drinking straight vodka and eating walnuts with him in andy's barn attic. the barn parties.
i miss amanda and trish.
i miss trevor rhett and mad j. i miss scott before i knew him, when i was the only person he knew. i miss sam klaneski's parties. i miss painting with carissa on ashlee's crazy slanted attic walls. i miss the extended haikus.
i miss mark. i miss listening to in-a-gadda-da-vida while we talked about how the government was fucking us. i miss scott hamel, how he thought of me as such a peaceful person. i miss his translucent eyes.
i miss being a virgin.
i miss being lonely, because i had millions of friends at that time, it seems.
i miss bonfires, mike before we had a history, when he used to give us free donuts when we wandered in drunk in the middle of the night.
i miss ainsley, when we told each other everything, and acted like sixth graders when we were to old to do so.
i miss the wild concerts, flailing with laura to the casualties, the wild clothes i used to wear, the crazy colors i used to dye my hair, how alive i used to feel.
i miss everything.
current mood: disappointed
current music: crickets
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| Friday, July 21st, 2006
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9:20 pm
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mike's drunk and suicidal. i don't know what to do. i want to hold him and say its ok because i'm here and i love you. but that would be wrong of me, i think. this is hard.
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| Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
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11:39 am - yesterday
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was kind of cool.
hung out with ashlee, head, lisa, mary & shannie in laura's empty house, went swimming in her lake, made cookies and played with shannie's adorable new kitten!! oh kittens
but head and ashlee abandoned me the bastards, and i had to call tess for a ride home.
mike was trying to get ahold of me all day i guess. so i called him when i got home, then i went to go and see his new apartment in bristol. had dinner there with him and jen and josh. it was nice but kind of weird because i wasn't sure what to think of him as. went into his room and talked for a while then watched a movie then fucked a lot. guess that's what we do now. i'm not that worried about it considering i don't want him back because i know we aren't supposed to be together, and i'm fairly certain that when he said he missed me and wanted me back he meant "i'm lonely and want to get laid". but i am a little worried, because when i spend time with him alone, i can see the good in him. and also a little worried because he still says he loves me, even asked me to move in with him, and when i said "no, im going to college" he said "fuck college and spend the rest of your life with me". i know he doesn't mean these things and i don't know why he says them. it's a little upsetting. i would be lying if i said i didn't have any feelings at all for him- i still want him to be happy. also we discussed if we were going to mess around with other people. i said, yes, probably, if i get the chance. he said he wouldn't, which i also know is a lie because i happen to know he was trying to get with both jen and krystal the other day. but that was before he tried to get back together with me. which kind of makes me feel like i was the last resort. so i don't know. there is a lot of ambiguous things going on.
i figure if its hurting me too much, or if i feel like im getting attatched, i'll stop. right? and i have to stop when i go to college anyway. so..
then i slept over katie's, swam in her pool, had a couple of beers and blackberry brandy. didn't get particularly drunk. slept, and woke up and took a shower and went with her to get her prescription filled and her oil changed. have to go to the dentist today. then my dad's. i don't know. i probably make really bad decisions but i don't really care.
current mood: tired
current music: the entertaining of a shy girl-- donovan
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| Sunday, July 16th, 2006
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10:48 pm - oh, jesus christ
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yeah... so mike came over.
and begged for me back.
and said he was so sorry.
and cried and cried cried.
and told me every part of me that was beautiful.
it was hard but i said no, we can't get back together.
and told him every thing he ever did wrong.
and we said we were going to try and be friends.
then we did some very friendly things.
bleh im such a slut.
i had it in my mind that i didn't want him at all.
maybe i didn't.
i told him i was using him.
it made it easier.
semi successful? maybe? if i pretend?
well, we're not together.
hes not my boyfriend.
thats what i wanted.
ohgod.
current mood: confused
current music: watch this-- the slackers
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