Blurty for kitto.
|Thursday, December 4th, 2003|
i have an appointment with my coulselor for tomorrow.
(haha in PERSE)
that way, if i do manage to get switched out of driver's ed (the evil class) it can be effective tmrw, and i will never ever have to sit under that aluminum roof and listen to those idiots for an hour. but i must say that mr. delgado was very nice to me today.
he said i could take the parallel parking test tmrw, instead of today.
i think this is due to two things:
1. i am a girl (the teachers only like girls)
2. whenever he sees me, he sees my hair, and the blue-ness reminds him of his favorite commercial, which he has described to me MANY times. it's a commercial for outback steakhouse, and to make a boring story short, there's a lady with pink hair and she's eating her steak and a waiter comes along and says "wow miss, you're looking pretty rare!" get it? rare steaks are pink, and her hair is pink? hyack hyack hyack. (at this point delgado grins like a child who has told a spectacularly juicy secret) (this grin is the reason i didn't leave second period crying today)
Slugman696 (8:35:21 PM): I have to go kitty.
does that sentance sound incredibly beautiful to anyone else?
or is it just my ears?
"The smell in the Manhattan morgue is not the smell of death; it is the smell of life changing its form. It is evidence that life is indestructable."
-Richard Preston, the cobra event
|Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003|
i helped put up christam lights today.
blue icicles hanging in front and on the side of the house,
every colour nets on the green things in front.
red blinky lights on more green.
reminds me that it's almost christmas.
or, for adriana, new years :)
in other news:
progress reports today.
i am failing driver's ed
how shitty is that?
i hate the fact that now i care
when i never have before.
i hate the fact that you might care too.
i hate the fact you could hurt me.
i would let you hurt me
i have let you hurt me
tiny beestings on snow white skin.
but it's kinda nice.
its kinda nice.
|Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003|
ive had a headcahe for ..... *coutns* ..... 25 hours.
i want to fall asleep.
everything beautiful in the world is purple.
|Sunday, November 30th, 2003|
i baked cookies yesterday.
and decorated them.
i made a special one for my grandpa and put extra icing on it.
icing in his favorite color.
im going to bake a million cookies.
today we put up our christmas tree. notice how i said put up.
we dont buy a tree.
we put one together from a tree made of metal and plastic that lays in a cardboard box.
this way, we dont kill another "beautiful" tree every year.
or some environmental crap like that.
but i want a REAL tree.
that smells like christmas. and will die.
not something that spends the majority of its inorganic expierence in the back of a closet.
and i want presents.
but im only getting two from my parents (pair of pants and SLC punk on dvd).
and last year i got nothing.
and its not that i want things.
but i like anticipating opening the boxes. and wondering what's inside.
and they just look so pretty!
so i think ill juts get a bunch of empty boxes and wrap them up all nicley.
at least then the tree wont look lonley.
turmixgep (7:49:40 PM): hes one of the nicest people ive ever met
turmixgep (7:49:50 PM): and he doesnt just want to get in my pants
|Saturday, November 22nd, 2003|
i need to learn as much about everything as fast as i possibly can.
except math. i dont need to know about that.
|Friday, November 21st, 2003|
im so sick of being an emotional mess.
i cried again last night.
second time this week.
this time was different from sunday, though.
it was the tragic kind of sobbing.
i couldnt stop myself from crying
the painful kind, the kind
with a certin violence to it.
a certain ripping.
your torn from yourself
forced to become the tears
flooding out of your eyes.
each drop another reason to cry
and each reason to cry another shining tear.
until you're lost,
floating in a dirty puddle.
like a baby drowning in half an inch of water.
until you've forgotten everything
and are left with no excuse to continue with such painful sobbing
but you do.
because you've forgotten how to stop.
today was nice though.
im amazed my mom agreed to let me take the day off.
i lay on the swing in the back yard for what seems like hours.
i stared at the sky.
i swear its never looked more real.
|Thursday, November 20th, 2003|
i've decided to be a better person.
eh might as well.
i figuered i'd do what The Audriana suggested and write a list of thigns i wanna change about myself.
this is what i have so far:
1. i want to be nicer. espeically when people arent looking
2. i want to be more generous.
3. i want to be more honest.
4. i want to hate less people.
5. i want to love more people unconditionally.
6. i want to be able to be vulnerable
7. i want to be braver
8. i want to like myself
9. i want to do the right thing.
wow im turning into my mom. wirting lists for everything.
i went for a bike ride today.
i picked yellow and purple flowers for my mommy.
i heart them.
|Wednesday, November 19th, 2003|
lauren had a bad day today.
you should all know and be nice to her.
write her love letters.
but dont mail them.
she'll know youve written them. dont worry.
is corruption inevitable?
can you ever recover from that inevitable corruption?
so what's the point?
why bother trying to live a good life if all your efforts are eventually wasted?
even if it means delaying the inevitable destruction that awaits our race,
that destruction is still INEVITABLE.
*someone argue with me*
"And on the eighth day God made the art of war
And laughing planned the end"
"Nothing is final and no one is real"
"I might be standing in the entrance of something big, and inside lay a world that belonged to Kumiko alone, a vast world that I had never known. I saw it as a big, dark room. I was standing there holding a cigarette lighter, its tiny flame showing me only the smallest part of the room.
Would I ever see the rest? Or would I grow old and die without ever really knowing her? If that was all that lay in store for me, then what was the point of this married life I was leading? What was the point of my life at all if I was spending it in bed with an unknown companion?"
~ the wind up bird chronicle, Haruki Murakami
|Tuesday, November 18th, 2003|
today mr medina talked about the Revrend (spelled right?) Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
you could see that he admired him (though he tried to hide it)
it was so nice.
yesterday i asked you a question and now im confused by the answer you gave me.
it didnt suprise me,
but i need an EXPLANTAION.
otherwise its useless.
trying to be a good person is tiring.
|Monday, November 17th, 2003|
|Saturday, November 15th, 2003|
i talked to lauren today
she called at like 10:30 but i was asleep.
i had woken up around 7 but lay in bed yil 9:45 when i finally fell back asleep.
mom woke me up and told me to vacuum around 11:45.
i feel so out of it.
i cant concentrate on anything.
i cant think straight and i want to get out of this house.
but i cant
i feel so strange
like someone has rejected me.
like someone has decided im not good enough for them.
like they're dissapointed in me.
and im sorry i dissapoited you.
but i never pretended to be what you wanted.
i never thought i could live up to your standards.
you made a mistake by seeing in me something thats not there.
but im sorry anyway.
and it makes me want to cry.
i dont know who im apologizing to,
or why i am,
but i feel like i should.
gad im crazy.
i need to get out of my skin
i need to spend the day in someone else's mind.
lend me your mind.
i had a dream last night.
all i remember is the feeling of being in a small space
i feel so trapped.
whats worse is im not supposed to feel this way.
it feels so unnatural,
i feel out of place in this saddness.
i feel lost and confused.
its not right.
im supposed to be happy.
why have you made me so sad?
|Friday, November 14th, 2003|
i still feel awful
but today's its different.
its inside me.
and it wont come out.
i want to cut me open,
to slice me up,
to take all my skin off and sit around in my bones.
then the saddness would have nowehere to hide;
it would be exposed and i could comprehend it.
i could ask it it's name
and why it was within me
and it could tell me everything i needed to know.
at the end of the day,
after our lovley chat,
i could ask it "would you please find someone else to haunt?
your a dreadful guest,
and i've grown weary of your company."
and it would reply,
"why of course,
and maybe then,
i wouldnt be so sad inside.
the possibility of the possession is gone from my mind.
it could never be mine.
my mommy and i were listening to lucky by radiohead on the car ride to school,
and i told her that the song filled me with joy.
she said it made her want to cry.
and i listened to the words,
and i realized my joy was so
so corrupted with pain,
that it really wasnt joy.
so every time i've thought i've felt joy,
ive felt pain.
in a very clever disguise.
|Thursday, November 13th, 2003|
today was a sad day.
i woke up feeling tired.
and still am.
luis wasnt here today.
where has he gone?
me: i love you albie *pats albie's arm*
albie : your so strange.
me : why?
albie : well you always telling me you love me and you scream "albie!" and wave very happily and energetically
whenever you see me in the halls.
me : so?
albie : dont you have aboyfriend?
me : yes.
albie : *small gasp* you whore!!!
me : *bigger gasp* *exasperated noises* but but...
albie : i'm just kidding. it's ok. your not a whore.
me : you promise im not a whore? *saddness*
albie : yes, i promise your not a whore.
me : *sigh* ok.
and i keep repeating the words "it could be mine" in my head.
and it could.
at least i think it could.
but even assuming that i could be mine,
would i even take it?
it's all speculation.
BAH i hate specualtion.
especially when it's pointLESS
but without specualtion....
i feel lost.
most of all lifeless.
as if somone has drank up whats inside me like i was a box of juice,
and thrown me out as an empty container.
why do i feel this way?
my dad always used to yell at me for not coming to the dorr when he got home.
and when my mom gets home, he runs (literally runs) to the door.
but today, i got home, and was home, and two hours later he told me to feed the cats.
no hello, no how was your day. nothing but an order. and two hours after i'd gotten home.
not that i care.
it's just been a bad day.
i just feel alone.
i feel abandoned.
and i feel stupid for feeling this way.
like ive grwon too attached to people and i use them to make me feel better,
like im nothing when im alone.
i dont feel like thinking about it now.
i really only want to sleep.
or lay next to someone.
even if its only my mom.
i need to feel someone next to me. i need to feel like im not the only human left on earth.
i need someone to touch me,
to confirm my existance.
gad i hope my mommy never dies.
then my house would be like this all the time
(shes not home and im stuck with my dad).
id stop talking.
|Wednesday, November 12th, 2003|
today was an insanley happy day.
i woke up on the sofa (looks like i fell asleep on the sofa) and got yelled at for waking up on the sofa (and falling asleep on the sofa). then went to school. my mommy told me im slacking off. i started laughing.
then i relaized I AM.
and stopped laughing.
then i got to school.
and the library was closed (today was a bad library day, but ill go into that later) so i couldnt do my homework.
but theni found adri and brittany and tried to read that awful bradbury story, but couldnt since adri kept laughing and interrupting her own reading. gad he's an awful story writer man person.
then i was in first period and blah blah blah and im walking in the hall and OH MY GOD ITS ALBIE!!!
"i love you my albie!!
my life is empty without you."
and it is.
no im in 3rd and im reading my passage for philosophy and crap whats a praxis? wow i love the way this guy writes. i want to read his book, ill get it at the library.
now im in philosophy and im sitting at my wonderful desk and its not so cold. the air is nicer in here. i love mr. medina. you were right, he is like a giant teddy bear
*shutup susan zisman**you dont know what your talking about*
math and japanese are over
YAy! going home time.
but wait no. we went to the library instead.
ERRAGH they had NO books. no natsume soseki, no terry pratchett, no neil gaimen, no good michael crichton, NO NIETZCHE (for chirtst's sake people!) and the vast majority of philosophy books were all under refrence, so none could be checked out. BAHH the library SUCKS.
but im still happy. i cought a book by that hypochondriac guy...whatshisface?....mmm yes richard prestion i think. well he wrtoe this book about the ebola virus and it was good
well, as good as a book about ebola and marhburg can be.
*ick bleeding from every orafice and having seziures*
and now im online.
wasting my life.
im in love with the world.
I THINK ILL MARRY IT!
|Monday, November 10th, 2003|
The BELIEVE IT OR NOT Side
100. Do you believe in angels?: in a way.
101. Aliens?: hee hee they're funny.
102. Hell?: HA no
103. God?: yes.
104. Yourself?: as much as i believe in hell.
The HAVE YOU EVER Side
105. Been on a plane: Mmm yes i love airplane rides!
106. Cried in public: repetedly (four times a year)
107. Climbed a tree: aww yes!
108. Fell asleep in a Movie Theater: hmm i dont think so.
109. Kissed a guy or girl: i kiss boys. (though i wanted the shirt taht says "i kiss girls")
110. Been scared to get a shot: noooo
111. Shopped at Abercrombie & Fitch: YES! i have a shirt and a skirt.
112. Said, "I love you" and meant it: yes. i love my mommy.
113. Made prank calls: hee hee yes.
114. Skipped school: mm yes. good old days.
115. Loved somebody so much it made you cry: loved somebody so much i couldnt breathe
116. Gone to a theme park and checked out all the cute guys/girls: HA no.
The WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU HEAR Side
117. Bill Clinton: ick
118. Lollipops: yum pop
119. Dreams: ouch
120. Love: pain (wow what a stupid response)
121. Whipped Cream: *laurens orgasmic noises* (dont ask)
122. South Park Vs Smurfs and Power Rangers: i hate power rangers
123. Boy Bands: aww how stupid
124. Guys/girls: girls dont like boys girls like cars and money...
125. Death: *blank*
The WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE Side
126. Dog/Cat: Cat!! then i could marry my cat.
127. Blue/Purple: pruple.
128. Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate.
129. Underwear/Bra: bra.
120. Pen/Pencil: pencil. im biodegradeable
121. Plumber/Trashman: magician
122. Ear/Eye: eye (but only if i was blue or green) ear (but only if i was May Kasahara's or Kiki's beautiful ear)
123. Rich and unhappy/Poor and happy: poor and alone
124. Tall/Short: short *sniff sniff*
The QUESTIONS THAT DON'T MATTER, BUT I'M STILL ASKING Side
125. Do you sleep with a stuff animal?: several.
126. Last time you showered: this morning
127. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: violet red, or banana yellow.
128. Do you like this survey?: its too long.
129. One pillow or two, cotton or feather?: no pillows. they cramp my style
130. Last CD you bought: requium for a dream, remixed
131. How long are you in the shower?: 3 minutes to an hour
132. How do you eat a Reese's Peanut Buttercup?: ick dont like those
133. Feelings on abortion: used too much, but in principle mostly good.
134. Is Tupac alive?: naww.
135. Thoughts on Britney Spears: she got ugly. but i liked her in the 5th grade
136. Who do you most admire?: i dont admire anyone
137. Right, Left, or Ambidextrous?: right
138. What is under your bed?: nothing. my mattress is on the floor (but i sleep in a different bed, in a different
room....there only fluff under that bed)
139. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?: i always bite them
140. Do you like the person that sent you this survey?: i stole it from another journal. im a theif....
which reminds me, im suppos to stop reading other ppls journals. i do it too much now. it cant be healthy.
but i still have to read baka_chans. cant live without it man.
today was eh
the highlight was biology, when i got bored taking my test around question 10 (out of 50)
so i just bubbeled the rest in B.
that someone is annoying me.
i need to yell at them
my mother has decided that now, im not annorexic anymore, im FAT. (aout time biznotch)
so no more forcing kit ot eat in this house
|Sunday, November 9th, 2003|
01. Full Name: Katherine Lucy Kelley Jayne
02. Nicknames: kit, kitto, the kittness, kittle, skittle, kit-pooh (my fav) so on and so forth
03. Age: 21
04. G.P.A.: 3.5 i think
05. Sex: so girly its disgusting
06. Birthday: week after valentines day
07. Zodiac sign: Pisces (the fucked up zodiac sign)
08. Location You Were Born: aqui
09. Height: i refused to be measured....im taller every time. it makes me sad...
10. Weight: ideally 93 pounds. but like hell that'll happen.
11. Hair Color: blonde
12. Eye Color: bluuuuu
13. Siblings [name(s) & age(s)]: none HAHA im a spoiled only child.
14. Parents names: Patricia (who i want to call Patsy after patsy in AbFab) and Loy (the ugliest name i have
15. Hobbies: hobbies are lame-o
The CRUSH Side
16. Crush: im already married to three people (jenny, lauren, and myself), a crush would be too much to
17. Girlfriend/Boyfriend: one or the other
18. If you could go out with anyone in the world, who would it be?: id want my cat to be a human, then id date it.
19. What do you first notice about the opposite sex [looks alone]?: differs from person to person
20. Your idea of a perfect date: quiet and nice. warm.
21. How romantic are you? [1-10]: dont know. 7 8 maybe
22. Biggest turn-on: SKIN ahh its so sexy. i want someone with gorgeous skin. and nice arms and a nice back
23. Ideal girl/guy: thom yorke
The PAST Side
24. Memory [thing] you miss most: my mom
25. If you could go back in time, where would you go: when i was 6 and lived at my grandparents house and
danced and sang all day long and was so full of joy
26. Thing that you regretted doing after you had done it: telling people the truth
27. Memory you would like to forget: OICH only one id really REALLY like to live without
28. What'd you do yesterday? [just curious]: chillaxed with jenny and lo and ate cookie dough
29. Last person you talked to on the phone: mesiour
30. Last thing you said: momma STOP!
31. Last song you listened to: radiohead, the tourist
32. TV show you wish they would re-air again: AbFab (on comedy central)
33. Occupation: sleeper
34. Dream Car: something purple....HEY why cant i remember seeing any purple cars?!
35. Marriage: doubtful
36. Kids: 3 boys (girsl suck)
37. Future son's name: im not allowed to name my children.
38. Future daughter's name: like i said....
39. Honeymoon: moon
40. Where will you live?: london or new york
41. What are you doing tomorrow?: school *bleh*
The FAVORITES Side
42. Food: ice cream (duhh)
43. Drink: diet coke or tea or COFFEE (french vanilla YUM)
44. CD: OICh too many
45. Band/Group: radiohead, deftones, postal serivce, yak yak yak
46. Singer: jesus
47. Color: the color of a radioactive kitten
48. Actor: kevin spacey and edward norton and john cusack
49. Actress: Angelin Jolie (so sexy it hurts) and Monica Bellucci (same sexiness)
50. Weekend Activity: laying in the sun with someone warm
51. Day of the week: saturday
52. Month: febuary and may
53. Holiday: none
54. Number: 12 and 27 and 3
55. Cookie: chocolate chip and M&M, or any cookie jenny makes (shes the Queen of Cookies)
56. Phrase to overuse: im in love with you, will you marry me?
57. Toothpaste: not the kind i have. it closhes with the taste of me.
58. Ice Cream: snickers. or anything with caramel
59. Candy bar: twix
60. Type of music: crazy beepy music
61. Shampoo/Conditioner: coconut
62. Song: AIRBAG!!! ahh i love that song. it makes me die inside.
63. Music Video: dj shdow and unkle - rabbit in your headlights.
64. Sport: sleeping (it is a sport damnit!)
65. Relative: mom grandad cousin
66. Hangout: grass
67. Friend: lauren (sorry everyone. it was close)
The PEOPLE YOU KNOW Side
68. Friends: some
69. Best Friend(s): all my friends are bets friends. there are too few for them not to be.
70. Funniest: jessi and jenny
72. Loudest: adri (no question)
73. Craziest: your all insane
74. Skinniest: lauren and jessi (i hate you both)
75. Best at keeping secrets: hmm prolly adri
76. The one you had, but wish you didn't: if i want to be friends with someone, i am.
77. Smartest: adri
78. Most Innocent: dont kno. lauren was (not sure if she stil is) and im just naieve
79. Sweetest: donno.
80. Hottest Guy/girl: laurens hot.
81. Weirdest: were all bizarre
82. Hyperest: depends on our moods
83. Biggest flirt: LAUREN! ha she s ho!
84. Most annoying: me (by far)
85. Quietest: donno
The ONE OR THE OTHER Side
86. N*Sync OR BSB: N*Sync (dont kill me jenny-kins)
87. Peanut butter OR Jelly: both. mixed up.
88. Coke OR Pepsi: pepsi.
89. Boxers OR Briefs: naked bare skin
90. Matt OR Ben: ben. i love her
91. Apples OR Oranges: orange sherbert
92. Vanilla OR Chocolate: chocolate
93. Flowers OR Candy: both. wrapped up all nice
94.. Romantic, Comedy OR Horror: crazy
95. Book OR Magazine: both
96. TV OR Radio: AbFab
97. [a] Is the glass half full OR half empty?: I HATE THIS QUESTION!!! iit makes me make an ugly face.
99. [b] If you've gotten this far, you rock!: i kno i kno.
40 questions left. ill finish it later.
I have all the time in the world.
I feel new and shiny.
I feel reborn.
I feel hopeful.
I feel good.
(What a great way to wake up)
My mommy took me to see the last matrix movie yesterday. It was eh. I find it ironic though, that the machines move like animals. The swim (like fish), in a swarm (like bees), and move like water. There’s something so unshakably organic about them.
I need to say this to someone, but if I did I would have to explain why I was laughing at him or her, and the explanation would ruin everything I’ve worked so hard to establish, so let me just say:
HAHAHA! You’re so predictable. It’s wonderful.
Anyway. I thought I had clarified something yesterday. Something that’s been annoying me due to lack of clarification. But now, after a bit of thought and such, I realized that my supposed clarification means nothing. SO GRRR.
I had a delicious dream last night. It gave me a feeling of hope. Gave me the feeling that I still had a chance. I like that feeling.
I had a lovely time at Jenny’s last evening. We watched ‘Pay it Forward’ and confirmed that Lauren is NOT a good person (shame shame shame little Lauren).
Thank God we only have 3 days or school this week (I’m going on a field trip Friday, haha!). Having Tuesday off is actually very nice. It makes Monday so much more pointless. Too bad I have my stupid weekly bio test tmrw. Grr bio sucks.
I should start studying now. I have three chapters packed with retroviruses, restriction fragment length polymorphism, and other words I can’t pronounce. But i just can’t focus. My mind is forcing me to relive my dream. And that’s all very nice, but I need to study, I don’t need to be happy.
There’s someone I need to slap. And to yell at. Yell and scream. But they only kind of deserve it. And I guess I can live with it. It’s just SO DAMN IRRITATING.
I can feel your quickened breathing
And I pray this will be real.
Pull me out of the aricrash.
Pull me out of the lake
Because I’m your super hero
We are standing on the edge.
radiohead rocks my socks off.
|Saturday, November 8th, 2003|
my favorite color is purple now.
can you tell?
i feel better.
BlueAngel557: i was so proud of my self today
BlueAngel557: when i woke up this morning, i looked in the mirror, and just out of nowhere i said to my self "my life doesnt suck"
BlueAngel557: and i was actually happy
neoncupcake: you should be
neoncupcake: i feel kinda happy too!
neoncupcake: its like wierd
BlueAngel557: i know
BlueAngel557: im like wow this is how it feels to be happy again?
neoncupcake: this is fun!
*in insane screaming voice*
"THAT'S FUCKING PUNK ROCK!!!!!!"
-the terrifying paul bagley
and when i say terrifying i mean it. i was actually able to observe his personality, and all the people who have said that he's an asshole are so right. all he does is yell at other people in this really icky voice. i dont like it. it made him lose 10 sexy points. i understand what lucy meant when she said she was afraid of him. he's scary.
we lost the first (and last) football game i went to. 28 to 30. HAHA palmetto sucks.
we (lo and i) went with her brother, mike the jew, lucy, paul bagley, joe roy, and the infamous crazy dan.
i dont like that group. i mean their fine, i have nothing against them,
just wouldnt want to spend any time with or around them.
lucy didnt bother me. she's the same as she's always been.
funny i never noticed it before.
i would rant on about how stupid high school football games are, and how everyone hates the cheerleaders, and how all the girls looks like prostitutes, since i did have it all planned and written out in my mind last night, but eh. you should already know that. plus, i dont want lauren to think im any more of the "abnormal teenager" archetype then she already does (ill explain later, lauren)
i went to panther prowl too. it was better last year.
but probably only b/c ryan matzner was dancing around in a cheerleading uniform.
the sophmores (or as various male japs would put it, the "hard"mores *hyuck hyuck*) sucked ass.
we gots last place in the hallway contest and our skit....caca. but i ate yummy cookies so it was kinda worth it.
only kinda though.
i really just feel like complaning about eveything.
discontent seems to be a major theme in my life at the moment.
i dont like school. (well i moderatley like it)
i dont like home. (only for sleeping and watchin AbFab)
i dont like me. (but thats nothing new)
i dont like people. (beyond my limited friends)
i dont like the cold. (shiver)
i dont like the heat. (or the humidity)
i dont like eating. (but the parents force me)
i dont like being alone. (but who to spend my time with?)
someone should just kill me and put me out of my miserey.
it would be better though, if i was all grown up and had a child (a son, named something beautiful) and i was leaving him all my money and my belongings and he was old enough to live without me, and i hired a hit man person to kill me.
then he'd get all my things. my death would acomplish something.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
Blurty for kitto.