Where Did I Go?'s Journal
Ok so this my first entry, used to have Blurty many moons ago and now Im back, this is, or was mainly for me but then thought it'd be good to share, maybe it wont be, I suppose anyone reading this will be the judge of that.
So right now you know abit, well less than abit about me from my info, my life will come out bit by bit here because everyday something usually happens that takes my thoughts back to my past.
But for now this is now.
Im gonna be honest here, why lie? So yeah Im 34, dont look it, dont act it, dont really wanna be it. Im a single mum with a very annoying and disturbed 'baby father' in my life, hate the word baby father but dont know how else to describe him other than demeaning put downs, which will happen, trust me.
Im on benefits now, but Im not a scrounger, I worked in good jobs since i left school, but then I got ill and then I got my child :) Id love to get back to work but there are certain restraints on me which will become clear.
Life for me right now is very up and down, I suffer depression which I play down but is actually very much alive and kicking although most people dont see it. im very good at putting on a mask and being 'ok'. I dont like to rely on people, I dont like to open up, i dont like to burden people with my problems and the result is I keep it all tucked away inside and then cry myself to sleep most night where no one can see my tears.
Im actually really unhappy inside.
I feel lost right now, Im overweight because I feel so sad, so I comfort eat and then I get sad about that so I get more down, so i comfort eat more, nasty circle lol. I have no self confidence, but at the same time I can be the most opinionated person around. I suppose I have no self confidence in terms of the way people see me, if someone wrongs me I can soon stand up and and and open my mouth. I always say I dont care what people think of me, but I do really :) I had a complete breakdown a few years back and it lead to self harming, i have ALOT of visable scars, I also have a lot of tattoos, and people often look at me with that pre judge "you must mental" look, but if only they got to know me, theyd know i was the most honesty, trust worthy, caring person around. I have a lot to prove because of my scars and my tattoos and I feel I have to prove it everyday.
I live a boring life where my routine never changes and that makes me sad cos times not standing still is it.
I love my daughter, she is the most beautiful, funny, witty, loving child anyone could ask for, sometimes I think she doesnt deserve me. Id give my life for that little girl, Ive made some wrong choices where shes concerned, choices I thought were right because i thought i could trust. I live for that child and Im sorry to her for the things shes had to see, those things will also come apparent in time. I live for her right now and if she wasnt around, I doubt I would be.
So Ive given you a vague picture of a depressed, unhinged layabout on benefits, tattoos scars with a child that doesnt deserve her!
But the reality also is, we laugh alot, i laugh alot, Im childish in my humour, i have clever humour too, i love music and put all my effort into making my home nice and making sure my childs neat, clean and wants for nothing, I have a bank account that some might wish for because Im really careful (and Ive been really lucky)
I want for nothing (other than a simple life with an erased past), I speak well, I have manners, we dont live on junk food and rubbish meals, I do cook from scratch, I have friends that I choose to keep at arms length and we have life ok.......yes my life is very catch 22!
Well for today, another day of being lied to like Im some sort of fucking idiot by my daughters useless dad. He smokes weed, has done since I met him but i gave him the choice, stop the weed or stop being with me, he choose me but got sneaky and over the past 4 years its been rocky and rough, ive been lied to, abandoned and treated like Im an idiot by him. We've been apart for 2 years now but he still has this notion "he can win me back" hahaha even though I continually tell him to go get another girlfriend and get on with his life, he still thinks I love him even though I went to court to take away his parental responsibility of my daughter and put a non molestation order on him (due to some very silly actions by him) and he still has the nerve to say "the door will never be shut, i will win you back" !!! He is an idiot, makes wrong choices and pisses me off daily. He can be a good dad but for the most, hes shit. So today he let me little one for the millionth time so he can go hang with his drug friends cos its so cool to knock about wioth people who steal off you and use you, but hey ho, he knows best i guess! Im pretty much anti drugs. But i dont preach. ive been there which is why Im so anti, I used to be a crackhead, best dressed and most healthy crackhead youd ever of seen though :) I wasnt one of those ones in the dirty ripped clothes and mud covered faces with scabs thats homeless and shop lifting to fund it, no, i had a home, I had money but yeah I did knock around with those sort of people. Ive been clean now 6 years, 7 next April and I did it by myself, it was hard but I done it. So I dont care if anyone else doe drugs, thats down to them, but I do care when it the idiot ex who now has physcosis because of weed, and I care because he lies and says he doesnt smoke it when he does, I care because hes not safe to be around my child un supervised and I care because he spends so much money on it that 1 day after payday he begging me for money. So i really dont like him right now cos he puts his drugs and drug friends before vistation with his own child.
So back to today, me and my gorgeous made princess fairy cakes, played in the sandpit, he took her to the park for the hour he could spare and we've had an ok day in the sun, me and her.
But i still cried 3 times today. because im lonely, because im emotional, because i looked at my child and prayed to god i could be a better mum. And no doubt I will burst into tears when I go to bed.
But tomorrow will be a new day. Cos i get to see my daughters face pushed into mine at 7am in the morning going "mum....mum....mum...ben 10, i dont want breakfast....mum can i play dsi, can I watch telly" and that for me will start my day off good especially when she kisses me on the lips and says "morning mum" even if its an hour after we get up. Got some stuff to do tomorrow, gotta see the idiot ex, thats how ill refer to her dad from now on i think. So yeah another night gone and another day full of the same shit tomorrow.
Current mood: discontent.
Current music: Jettie - Start Stop.